The Bisexual (2018) s01e04 Episode Script

1 Can I ask, do you have any plans to start a family? Of course.
I like you.
Me, too! Are you mad at me? When you're with your roommate, you remind me of a girl from a Judd Apatow movie.
I'm sorry.
It's fine.
Why do we have to lie about you and John Cruise? Because Leila doesn't want anyone to know she's sleeping with a man.
Sadie? Sadie, stop.
Who was that guy? He's a friend of Gabe's.
Are you fucking him? I think we moved too fast.
We should cool it.
You are an emotional intimacy whore! Hey.
Leila? Hey, I'm Leila.
You already knew that! So, full disclosure, um I'm a bisexual.
And I'm just getting out of a ten-year relationship.
And I'm trying not to be an emotional intimacy whore.
Because I've been accused of being an emotional intimacy whore.
OK.
I just want to try something, and I can't tell if it'll be hot or disgusting.
I've seen it in porn.
OK, sure.
What? Can you can you spit in my mouth? Yeah.
OK.
Yeah, OK.
Erm I think it has to be more of a fast spit than a slow plop.
- OK.
- OK.
Now, I know my chances are impossibly low, but I did wonder if there's anything I could do to increase my odds of getting pregnant this round.
Try to avoid stress.
Stay healthy.
Lay off the booze and fags.
For what it's worth, there's a fair amount of anecdotal evidence that a higher state of arousal around insemination helps increase your odds.
Oh, well.
While you're down there might as well give it a go! I'm joking.
I'm so sorry.
I completely forgot where I was.
Sadie, would you mind going over these files for ? It's a thing we do.
She's like, "I'm going to ignore you!" It's an inside joke.
It's hilarious.
SHE LAUGHS She's so funny.
Did you send them your CV? Yeah.
It's been such a shitshow since they broke up.
I think it's just a matter of time before the whole thing shuts down here.
You know Leila's dating men now? That doesn't surprise me at all.
Like, not in a mean way, but if I'm being honest, she kind of looks a bit mannish, so it's almost more gay for her to be straight.
I heard about you and Sadie, and I'm really sorry.
No, you're not.
Yeah, I am.
I'm sorry you got caught up in our bullshit.
I'm not resigning.
I'm not asking you to.
We're lucky to have you.
Go fuck yourself.
Oh, boy.
Do you know, I can't believe I looked up to you.
You are both so full of shit.
I know you fill your fancy Esop bottles with Imperial Leather, which is actually a perfect metaphor for who you both are as people.
Like, sophisticated and overpriced on the outside, but cheap and fucking Yeah, Hye Me, I get the analogy.
OK.
Hi, Greg.
Ever since you guys broke up, the vibe has been super tense and uncomfortable.
Yeah, I know, that's why I'm holding this meeting.
I write about this a lot in my blog.
My parents went through a really ugly divorce.
And the reason I'm bringing that up is that this whole thing is just really bringing me back to that year, and those feelings, and I don't need that in my place of work.
OK, this is what we're going to do.
Everybody is going to write down their feelings and their thoughts, and we're going to do it anonymously.
We will leave you in the room and then come back.
I haven't got time for this.
You're going to make time for this! "We promise to respect each other and our differences and to try to avoid entering into romantic relationships, but understand that we cannot make promises when it comes to matters of the heart.
And vow to remain respectful of the Mind Community and our shared space.
We promise to comply with the mutually agreed upon temperature of the room.
" Please excuse me.
Ignore her, carry on.
- She's not very helpful.
- Well "Section one: general vibe.
We all agree to " This is a fancy place.
Don't worry about it.
You should've brought Leila.
She's in a meeting.
You're very tense when she's not around.
Thank you, Mother.
Guess who's pregnant? Is it Kate Middleton? That poor woman.
Each pregnancy gets a little harder for her, but you'll never see her complain.
Jennifer.
Lived on our street? Kerringtons' girl.
Which were the Kerringtons? You know, Sonny had a cleft palate.
Well, she's just had a baby on her own.
Why on her own? Because she's single.
Oh, so the baby's got no dad.
Lots of babies have no dad! - I had no dad! - But not by choice.
Oh, that's very selfish.
If she was mine, I'd talk some sense into her.
Are you ready to order? No! Give me a minute! Mum, what was I like when I was little? Oh, not so different.
Moody as fuck.
Nearly bit my tits off.
Angry little baby, you cried all the time.
Why do you ask? No reason.
Just curious.
Motherhood is shit.
You're lucky you're the man.
Tea? Thanks.
Can I ask what your meeting was about? No.
Can I ask how long you've been fucking that guy? We're not seeing each other any more.
Was it just sex or did you like him? It wasn't just sex.
You know, it's funny.
I blame myself, you know, for not being able to satisfy you.
How long have you fancied men? Why didn't you tell me? Because it didn't matter.
I was in love with you.
- It wasn't relevant.
- It's relevant.
You couldn't satisfy me because you stopped trying.
You're so fucking rigid.
It's like you like what you like, how you like it, when you like it, and that's it.
You know why I'm like that! You have to be a robot to be successful in this industry! My mother, have you any idea what it takes to be a dyke growing up in Burnley in the '80s? - Tell me.
- No.
I fucking won't because you are not my girlfriend any more, thank fuck.
I was better off on my own before I met you, and I'm better off now.
I'll tell you what it was like growing up in Burnley in the '80s being a dyke.
It was giving Kevin Henderson a blow job in the school car park in front of a load of kids just so they think you were normal, and your mother couldn't meet people's eyes in the supermarket.
It was faking it, when you were fucking frightened cos you didn't have a fucking clue what you were doing! But it's fine.
It was fine.
And this is fine.
It's for the best.
It's not working.
All right, have a good night.
WEAKLY: All right.
You OK? Bad day.
You just going to lie there like that? Tanya's having a party.
But everybody hates me.
Ah Don't be don't be sad.
Why do women need so much attention when they're upset? Come on, get up.
My sister's doing a roast.
I'm doing a show.
Yeah, well, the world doesn't stop just because you decide to do a show.
Ow! Did you see that? Did you see how he hit me? How can you tell him how you're feeling without hitting him? - Words.
- And what do you say to Gabe? - Stop talking.
- Gabe, what do you say? Motherhood has ruined your intellect.
She's so annoying.
You did this to her.
No phones at the theatre, Gabe.
Go, go Go row the boat To safer grounds But don't you know We're stronger now My heart still beats And my skin still feels My lungs still breathe My mind still fears But we're running out of time All the echoes in my mind cry There's blood on your lies The scars open wide There is nowhere for you to hide The hunter's moon is shining I'm running with the wolves tonight I'm running with the wolves I'm running with the wolves tonight I'm running with the wolves I'm running with the wolves tonight I'm running with the wolves I'm running with the wolves tonight I'm running with the wolves God, I love your home.
It makes me nostalgic for a childhood I never had.
Thank you.
Thanks.
You know, when Marlow and Aldous are 20, you'll be like in your 60s.
What's your point? Well, by the time I find a woman, marry her and impregnate her, - and the kid ages 20 years, I'll be like - Dead.
You'd be experienced enough to handle it.
I'm deep into my second act.
I haven't found my leading lady.
Or have I? I mean, is Francisca my leading lady? It's weird because your entitlement keeps this a singularly male complaint, but there's something amazingly Bridget Jones-y about you right now.
How long were you guys together before you knew he was the one? Don't know.
The countdown broke, and I wasn't bothered.
Like aren't you nervous you're going to wake up one day and like hate each other, maybe? Shit happens.
If we do, he'll be easy to share custody with.
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard.
Mum, wipe my bum, please! If he's old enough to ask, he's too old.
- Goodnight.
Thank you.
- Bye.
God, you're so lucky to have a sister like that.
I think you're the lucky one.
Why am I lucky? 'Cos no-one on this continent loves me? Well, yeah, that, but also you don't have to lock yourself down to anyone.
Why don't I have to lock myself down to anyone? Isn't that the deal for bisexuals? Do you honestly think that? No.
It's a good thing.
You don't understand what I mean.
What I'm saying is they don't expect you to because - there's so many people that you're attracted to.
- Uh-huh.
Because of that reason, monogamy's not possible for you, - which is great.
- SHE LAUGHS You're free.
Why are you talking to me like I am a different species from you? You think because I'm bisexual I can just fuck any person I meet? Why are you shagging half of London, then? I've slept with three people in ten years! How many girls have you fucked off Tindr alone? I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to offend you.
Jesus, you can't say fucking anything these days without getting it wrong.
I'm not going to stand here and wait with you for your Uber.
Goodnight, Gabe.
I'm sorry I'm so late.
Everyone just left.
Shit.
I was hoping to catch Sadie.
Do you want a beer? Thanks.
How did she seem? Better than I've seen her in ages, actually.
Good.
Glad to hear it.
Is everyone disgusted with me because of that guy? Nobody cares about that guy, and if they do, they'll get over it.
Sadie cares.
Sadie would care no matter who it was, but she doesn't get to have an opinion on who you're fucking.
No, I guess not.
Nobody does.
Do you have an opinion on who I'm fucking? In a way.
In that I'd like to be fucking you.
Fuck it! I want you inside me.
That's it.
Is there a problem? I'm a friend of Francisca's.
I had to escape The city was sticky and cruel Maybe I should have called you first But I was dying to get to you I was dreaming while I drove the long, straight road ahead, oh! I could taste your sweet kisses, your arms open wide This feeling for you is just burning me up inside I drove all night To get to you Is that all right? I drove all night Crept in your room Woke you from your sleep To make love to you Have you ever been with a man? Sure, yeah.
How many? Erm That many you have to think about it! I was a teenager.
I didn't get laid as a teenager! Why? Did you like grow up religious? No, I grew up ugly.
I'm sorry.
I wasn't meant to laugh at you.
That's OK.
You can laugh at me.
No, I lost my virginity to my first boyfriend when I was 13.
13?! Fuck me, that's young.
How old was he? I think by that point he was 18.
How'd you meet him? He was my foster brother for a while.
Seriously? Yeah, my mum put me into foster care when I was ten.
Holy shit.
What did you guys, like, do together? I don't know, like, normal teen shit.
We were really into grindcore for a while.
You remind me a bit of him.
How? You're both a bit Never mind.
Say it.
You're both really tall.
No, that's not what you were going to say.
What was it? You're both a bit self-involved in the same way.
I didn't mean for it to be an insult.
In what world is self-involved not an insult? Like when I hear self involved, I hear egotistical piece of shit.
What do you hear when you hear self-involved? OK, I think we have different definitions of what it means.
I didn't mean for it to be an insult.
No, I don't think this is a matter of semantics.
I think your real feelings about me seep to the surface and Look, can we just go back? I'm sorry that I said that.
I didn't mean it.
It's OK.
It's just I'm really sad I'm like this.
You're not like anything.
It just came out wrong, so Could you stop crying? You stop crying! I'm not crying.
Please don't be upset.
It's OK, I'm just emotional right now.
And I'll go home, and I'll sleep, and I'll feel OK.
I just have to get out of here.
Are you just going to lie here all night and feel shitty about this? Oh, I'm fine.
I have trouble sleeping anyway, so What's go to make you feel better right now? Like, affection.
It's OK.
I'm sorry.
It's OK.
It's OK.
Sh.
It's OK.
Just close your eyes, OK.
I'm just going to stay here until you fall asleep.
Hey, you want to get under the duvet? No.
You're going to have to have some water so you don't have a headache tomorrow.
I don't like Argentina.
Why not? It's stupid.
England's pretty stupid.
There's no love in my family, and I hate it there.
Your category is Literature.
The rain pattered dismally against the pains, and my candle was nearly burnt out, when by the glimmer of the Hey, what's up? Not much.
Are you good? Sure.
You're heading in the right direction.
It was Mary Shelley Tanya hurt my feelings, and then I hurt her feelings, so I had to fuck her till she calmed down.
Could you put it back on Channel 4? Labia there, as well.
I enjoy that.
Just a cute hint of labia.
Yes, there's all sorts of labia.
There's where there is a lot of external labia.
- Frilly.
- And then there's well tucked-in.
There's I call it the cheeseburger That's Sue Perkins' girlfriend.
Does she get naked? No.
You're fucking Gabe's faggy friend.
Not any more.
I haven't seen him in weeks.
Why didn't you tell me? I didn't tell anybody.
You told Gabe.
We live together.
I couldn't hide it from him.
Say it.
Why did you pretend to be a lesbian? I wasn't pretending.
I'm disappointed.
I know.
I'm still the same person.
Nobody's going to be straight up with you, but it does change things.
I'm just pissed that you weren't honest with me.
You didn't tell me you applied for a job at The Dove! You want a text every time I take a fucking shit? How do you even know about that? Fucking lesbian mafia, hey? It's not the same legal offence.
Why do you get to make all the rules? Like, it's not OK if I date a guy, but if you give up on becoming a chef, it's just done? Stop being so fucking middle-class.
I applied for a job and, of course I wasn't good enough, so now I can move on from the idea.
You didn't even try! Of course your first job application was rejected! Nobody succeeds at shit unless they get the door slammed in their face 40 fucking times.
I haven't got 40 times.
I can't just do whatever the fuck I want.
Why not? - I'm not like you.
- You're not like what? Nothing, I'm just not like you.
You're not selfish.
You don't abandon your family.
You didn't even come out for their sake.
I'm a shit daughter, and I'm selfish as fuck, and thank God, because I have no resentments and no regrets and I'm happy.
Are you saying I'm not happy? I'm saying it's a fucking waste that you're spending your days in this shop.
Leila, who the fuck are they going to get to replace me? Anyone that they've ever hired has screwed them over.
I didn't know that.
Being close to my family makes me happy.
Knowing that they're OK and I don't have to worry about them makes me very fucking happy.
OK? What makes you so happy? It had a really long foreskin and it was always very stretchy.
You can tell he looks after himself! Yeah, he's got a nice shape to his legs OK, Blue.
Hi, Blue.
You can tell he's tall.
- Long legs.
- Yeah.
- Nice big hands.
- Oh, are hands important? Yeah, so when you're holding hands, you feel small and they feel nice and big.
OK! It's time to make a decision.
Which colour do you think you're going to say goodbye to?