The Catherine Tate Show (2004) s01e04 Episode Script
Episode 4
1 - I seen Jackie today.
- Did ya? - Yeah.
- Has she seen shelley? - No.
- She ain't seen shelley? - She ain't seen her.
- How do you know? - She told me.
- What did she say? - She said, ''I ain't seen her.
'' - She told you that? - I said, ''you seen shelley?'' She said no.
- She said no? - She said she was on holiday.
- On holiday? - She's gone on holiday.
- What for? - I don't know.
- Where's she gone? Ibiza? I said, ''where's she gone, Ibiza?'' She said, ''no, Zimbabwe.
'' she's gone Zimbabwe? She's gone Zimbabwe.
What's she gone Zimbabwe for? - I dunno.
- I thought she was going Ibiza.
I said, ''I thought she was going Ibiza.
'' She said, ''no, Zimbabwe.
'' I said, ''what's she go Zimbabwe for?'' She said, ''I dunno.
'' it's funny, innit? I couldn't believe it.
Where is Zimbabwe? I dunno.
On the high street's fine.
- How much will that be? - About 12 quid.
No, no! It's washed! - Just a quick wash.
- No! It's clean.
Please.
They don't take no for an answer, do they? No.
It's unbelievable.
Every day they do that.
Every day I have to say no.
- You know what you could do? - What's that? Well, you could just get out of your car and just say, ''no! No! No! I said no!'' then sling his water over his greasy, flea-ridden head, and he'll be like, ''ow! That's hot!'' and then just give him one backhander, one swift backhander right across his steamy red face.
- Well - Hitler-worshipping pikey scum! Actually, just round the corner's fine.
Was it ¼12? No, just call it ten.
- Am I late? - No, bang on time as usual, Geoff.
- Have we got company? - No, it's two for one on theakston's tonight.
Shall I have that one and get the next round in? Er Well, I've nearly finished this one, so Right.
Right, I'll just No, I won't bother.
I can't stop for long.
Bunty, do you want to take your hat off? Thing is, it's a new one.
I'm trying to break it in before the nationals.
- Maybe just for this meeting.
- You're the boss.
We've got your presentation to organise at some point.
- I wanted to go through a few details.
- I told you.
I don't want a fuss.
Come on.
How many people do you know that have been a majorette for 25 years? Most kids have had enough by the time they're 15.
What can I say, Geoff? I love spinning a Baton! It's me life.
Aye.
Now - I wanted to tell you the line-up for Leeds.
- Fire away.
Ok.
Front row, I've got Lauren, ashleigh, Danielle and little Gemma Graham.
Right, can I stop you there, Geoff? Gemma Graham on the front row? Shouldn't she be in tiny tots? - She was, but there aren't awards in tiny tots.
- Sorry, but Gemma should be in tiny tots.
This could be the tip of the ice cube.
I mean, if you put her in the main team this year, who knows what her demands will be next year? Bunty, she won't have any demands.
She's six.
I'm putting her in the main team and that's that.
Come on, Geoff! On the front row? Gemma Graham? Isn't she going to look a bit foolish with one year's twirling experience standing next to me on the front row? You're not on the front row this year.
Right.
Well, I suppose second row is better than nothing.
You're not on the second row either.
Oh.
I see.
Is there anything else I should know? Sorry, love.
I didn't mean to tell you like that.
It's just thatYou're 31.
Every year, we think you're gonna call it a day, but you keep coming back.
I'm sorry, love, but we all feel the time is right now for you to leave the spinners.
Bunty, love are you all right? Oh, Geoff, you really don't understand, do you? It's not about medals or trophies.
It's not about getting me picture in the local paper.
Yes, I may be a legend in some people's eyes, but I have to step into me catsuit one leg at a time just like everyone else.
It's about marching shoulder to shoulder with your fellow majorettes.
It's about watching each other's back when a high throw goes up.
It's having that sixth sense that tells you that, even though you can't hear the music properly, you know you're more or less in step with everybody else.
It's a feeling there are no words to describe, when 25 individual majorettes become one living, breathing animal with the instinct of a fox and the grace of a soaring kestrel.
I'm a Doncaster spinner.
And you'll never know how proud I am to say that.
And if the spinners asked me to leave, wellI'd go, and of course I'd carry on living, but believe me, Geoff, my heart would die.
I'm sorry, love.
It's over.
all by myself don't wanna be all by myself - you don't know what's happened today.
- What? - I've not told you, have I? - No.
- It was so funny! You won't believe it.
- What happened? You won't believe what I've done.
- It was so funny! - What have you done? I can't believe it! - Come on.
What have you done this time? - I can't tell ya! - Why can't you tell me? - You'll die! When you know what I've done, you will die.
- You've got to tell me.
- I nearly died.
It's so funny! - What have you done? - I've not told you, have I? You ain't said a word! Eight o'clock this morning, I've gone into work.
I've put the kettle on, made a cup of tea.
I'm at me desk, sorting through some stuff and I can hear something behind me.
- What's behind ya? - I thought, ''what's behind me?'' I turned around like that to have a look, - and it's only shona, innit! - What's she doing there? She's standing by the kettle and she's laughing.
What's she laughing for? I said to her, ''what you laughing for?'' She said, ''I thought you were gonna make a cup of tea.
'' I said, ''I am.
I just put the kettle on.
'' She said, ''no, you ain't.
It ain't plugged in.
'' I said, ''what do you mean?'' She said, ''you've plugged in the cafetiére instead.
'' you didn't plug the kettle in? I ain't plugged it in! I've put the water in the kettle, I've put the tea in the pot, I've put the pot on the side, and I have plugged in the cafetiére instead! Why didn't you plug the kettle in, babe? I dunno! Well, we have fell about.
She said, ''you're going mad, ain't you?'' I said, ''I am, ain't I?'' - you're going mad! - I am going mad! Well, then, it's dawned on me what must have happened.
- What? - You know what I've done, don't ya? No.
I've suddenly realised.
I've got the leads mixed up.
- Is that what's happened? - It must be.
- It make sense, don't it? - I suppose it would.
I've told shona and she's looked at me like that.
She said, ''I don't believe you.
What are you like?'' It was so funny! She told the other girls in the office, and they have absolutely collapsed.
Mary, she's wet herselt she's laughing so much.
Pauline, she can't breathe she thinks it's so funny, and by this time, poor shona's nearly choking.
It was absolute bedlam! She said, ''you are a liability.
What are you like?'' I said, ''well, you know what I'm like.
'' She knows what I'm like.
What's a cafetiére? I dunno! - ErmDo you mind if I sit here? - No, not at all.
- It's busy in here, isn't it? - Yeah.
- Is it always busy? - Yeah, it's very popular.
Anyone who's paid for vegetarian lasagne, it's all gone, but you can have aubergine bake or butternut squash Risotto for the same price.
I don't believe it.
- Was that you? Oh, how annoying.
- Oh, well, never mind.
- You know what you could do? - What? You could just grab the dirty little soap-dodger by the scruff of his hemp shirt and say, ''listen, moon unit, why don't you think as much about how many veggie lasagnes are left ''as you do about saving the whale, ''or whatever it is you do when you're not rolling around in shit, ''you stinking, unicycle-riding, tofu-eating hippy?'' then get a big bloody steak, and he'll be like, ''no, no! I don't eat meat!'' and poke it right down this throat so he can't breathe, and then, just give him a backhander, just one swift backhander right across his scabby vegetarian face! I think I might just get something else.
The aubergine bake is lovely.
In future, why don't you just admit you can't read maps? In future, why not tell me that the squiggly blue lines are different to the squiggly green ones? You have to have every painfully obvious thing explained to you - things that everybody else takes for granted - - just in case you balls it up.
- Ok.
I won't interfere next time.
- Can I have that in writing? - Do it yourselt.
See how you get on.
- We'll get there sooner.
- Shut up.
# no one else can make me feel # the colours that you bring # stay with me while we grow old and we will live each day in springtime I mean, why can't you just admit defeat and say, ''I think we may be lost?'' - shut up! You're like an old woman.
- Instead of pretending for two hours! Two hours! Jesus Christ! All right, all right, you've made your point - .
.
Little man.
- What? - Little man syndrome.
That's what you've got.
- Don't be stupid.
''I'm a short little man.
I get all angry about things because I want to be taller.
'' - you're pathetic.
- At least I can see above the dashboard.
- Shame you can't fit in the back seat, though.
- What? Nothing.
# 'cause loving you # has made my life so beautiful and every day of my life is filled with loving you - are you saying I'm fat? - I didn't say that.
Maybe you're a little bit sensitive about still having a jelly belly.
Excuse me? - You thought you'd be back in jeans by now.
- What has that got to do with anything? You're still wearing maternity slacks.
Concentrate on the road, you evil little dwarf! LA-LA-LA-LA-LA - calm down.
We'll soon be at dunkin' donuts - midget! It's been such a mental day today.
You wouldn't believe it! Lunchtime, right, I tells hayley I fancy a jacket potato.
She says, ''I'm going to pret a manger,'' so I walks down with her 'cause it's on the way.
In the end, we've ended up sharing jacket potato, cottage cheese and a salade niçoise.
We've gone back to work, we've got in the lift, next thing I know, the doors have opened, she's walked out, I've followed her out, I've taken one look around me I'm only on the fifth floor, ain't I?! I'm only on the fifth floor in human resources! - You don't work in human resources, babe.
- I know! I'm on the fifth floor in human resources.
I'm supposed to be on the third in personnel! Well, we have gone off into uncontrollable hysterics! She said, ''what you doing up here?'' I says, ''I've only followed you out, ain't I?'' she said to me, ''you're a lunatic! What you gonna do now?'' I said, ''I think I'll just walk back down.
'' what's human resources? I dunno! Hello? Allo? Oui, je sais c'est moi.
Oui, je t'embrasse.
Je t'embrasse.
A tout à l'heure.
Oui, je sais.
Salut.
Who was that? I dunno! - You want kids, don't you? - Yeah.
One day.
We have spoken about it.
It would be nice.
Jenny topley's had another one.
I'm surprised she's got time.
- Not her first, then? - Her first? You know Jenny topley.
- Do I? - Jenny topley from the canteen.
- I've talked about her loads of times.
- Oh, yeah.
Guess how many kids she's got now.
- How many kids has she got now? - I haven't a clue.
- Have a guess.
She's always pregnant.
- I really have no idea.
Yes, you do! Come on! Jenny kids r us topley.
How many? Just guess.
- I don't know.
- How many kids has she got now? - Have a guess.
- 12? 12? Who has 12 kids? She's a woman, not a cat.
All right.
Three? Jenny topley? Three? She's been pregnant all her adult life.
- Five.
- Am I speaking another language? - No, she hasn't got five.
- Eight.
Seven.
- She's got seven kids.
- Seven? Wow! That's a lot of kids.
Yes, it is seven more than you'll ever have, you barren old crow.
- I just don't see the point of it myselt.
- This area has a long history of street theatre.
Yeah, I've seen 'em here before.
- I can't see what he's supposed to be doing.
- It does get on your nerves a bit! Makes you want to walk up to him, get him in a headlock and say, ''what in the name of Christ are you doing with your life, ''mincing around like a big old Mary-Anne, dressed like some sort of deviant? ''You're nearly 5o, for God's sake! What do your children say? '''My daddy hangs around public places, wearing make-up and scaring people''' someone should just give him a backhander, one swift backhander right across his saggy-jowled, painted old face.
That would bring him to his senses, wouldn't it? - I like the man that does the juggling, though.
- Yes! He is wonderful.
- Hello, Lauren.
How can I help you? - I've got like this to give you, innit? One second, Lauren.
- This is a request to be excused from games.
- That's why I'm giving it to you, is it.
You should give this to miss Harris.
I tried to find her, yeah, but she weren't here.
Find miss Harris and give this to her.
I can't excuse you from a subject that I don't teach.
- Am I bothered? - I'm sorry? - Am I bothered, though? - I can't help you.
- I'm not bothered, though.
- You're not even listening to me.
- Am I bothered? - Where do you get this attitude? - Are you talking about my family? - Pardon? - Are you disrespecting my family, though? - I never mentioned your family.
- Are you ignoring my family? - Lauren - You're a bright girl - Do I care? - You could do well.
- Do I care, though? I don't care, mate.
Go and find miss Harris or you'll be marked absent.
Do I look bothered? No, Lauren, you don't look bothered, and neither do I.
But am I bothered? - Have you had a holiday yet? - Yeah, we went to cornwall.
- Nice.
I booked my holiday this morning.
- Good for you.
You deserve a break.
- Two weeks.
- Brilliant.
Do you mind if I do this? Sorry.
Egypt.
Cairo.
Land of the pharaohs.
- The pyramids.
- Sounds amazing! We get there by boat, down the nile.
- Boiling hot.
- Lovely.
- Tutankhamen.
- Do you mind if I just finish this? - Four stars.
In the middle of Cairo.
- Brilliant.
En-suite bathrooms, camel rides - Waiters in local costume - You've done really well.
Packed lunches on the excursions.
Wow! - Guess how much I paid for all that? - Oh - How much did I pay for all that? - No idea.
- Have a guess.
- I don't have a clue.
Just have a guess.
En-suite bathrooms.
- I don't know.
- Take a wild guess.
Camel rides.
- I wouldn't like to.
- Have a guess! - Have a guess! - I don't know.
- It won't kill you.
Guess.
- I can't think.
- Say a number.
- £8o.
£8o? £8o? I'm going to Egypt, not phoning it.
- Sorry.
- You couldn't go to croydon for that.
- £2oo.
- Were you listening? - It's the holiday of a lifetime.
- 5oo.
- Have you ever been on a camel? - 65o.
- 7oo.
- 7oo? And 11 pounds.
Did you say packed lunches on the excursions? That's really reasonable.
Yes, it is you'll have a lovely time.
Shove it up your arse! - Hello, nan! - Here he is! - You come up and see me? - Yeah.
You come up and see me, ain't ya? You are a good boy.
Want something to eat? - No, thanks.
- Do you want a sandwich? - I've eaten.
- Have a sandwich.
- Nah, I don't want anything.
- Have something.
A cup of tea at least.
- I'll have a coffee.
- What? - A coffee.
- I ain't got time for coffees.
Come on.
Clear that lot up.
- I'm expecting company.
- Who you expecting? It's Thursday - meals on wheels! - It's only Brenda.
- That's where you're wrong.
I got meselt a new chap, ain't I? Got meselt a new chap bringing up me dinners! What's happened to Brenda? Don't talk to me about that dirty, thieving bastard.
- What have you done now? - I got rid of her.
I got meselt a new chap.
Oh, you wanna see him.
Lovely head of hair he's got.
He's called Gavin.
He's better than that thieving shithouse that robbed me blind.
Who's that? - That's him now.
- Have you given him a key? Course I have.
Who do you think he is, Harry fucking Houdini? # I won't dance, don't ask me # I won't dance, don't ask me # I won't dance, madam, with you # my heart won't let my feet do things they should do so if you hold me in your arms I won't dance what did I tell you, eh? Have a look! Oh, how are you keeping? Lovely.
I got you something special this week.
There was only one left and I saved you it.
You are a good boy, coming up all this way.
- I'm Jamie, mrs Taylor's grandson.
- Yes, yes, I can see you are.
You're obviously a family of lookers.
Yeah, he's very short.
I bet you've broken a few hearts with those eyes.
I bet he's broken a few hearts with those eyes.
He's got glasses but he won't wear 'em.
He'll be blind by the time he's 3o.
While I remember, here's your tights and - .
.
Your change.
- Oh, you are a good boy.
I've got a nice bit of salmon in that fridge.
Have it for your dinner.
That salmon's for you.
You asked for it.
Mind your own business.
He gets on my nerves, keep coming up here.
I can't make him out.
You'd think a boy of his age would be interested in girls, but no.
I wouldn't worry about it.
I was the same at his age.
I am interested in girls.
- When Gavin's gone, I'd like a word with you.
- Make us a cup of tea.
- I can't stay.
- No! Got a rehearsal tonight, soGot to get over to dulwich after I've fed my girls.
Oh, you are a good boy, ain't you, running about after people! What a darling! So I'll see you next week.
Not if I see you first! Ta-ta, sweetheart.
What did I tell ya? Oh! What a smashing fella! Oh, we do have a laugh.
He's brought me tights up an' all.
What a darling.
I don't know what I'd do without him.
''American tan''? American fucking tan? - Who does he think I am? Carmen Miranda? - Come on.
I thought he was your new chap.
He can't even get me a simple pair of tights, the lazy, fat, bug-eyed fairy! What's he brought me up 'ere? Not lamb! Not fucking lamb, is it? That's all I need.
Oh, don't turn me stomach.
Look at it.
Not even a drop of gravy on it either.
Nan, you like lamb.
This would never have happened with Brenda.
That's you, that is, making me get rid of her.
You got shot of me lovely Brenda, just so's you could make eyes at that bow-legged, 'umpty-backed freak show! Worrying the fucking life out of me with song and dance routines! They want shooting, they really do.
Nan, you like lamb.
''Nan, you like lamb'' shut up.
Get me some mint sauce, you useless poof.
Come on! It's getting cold.
This is from that new sandwich shop.
Avocado, tomato on wholemeal, mayonnaise.
£3.
2o.
Lesbian! I once met a man with a sense of adventure he was dressed to thrill wherever he went he said, ''let's make love on a Mountain top ''under the stars on a big, hard rock'' I said, ''in these shoes? ''I don't think soi'' 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50 51 52 53 54 55 56 57 58 59 60 61 62 63 64 65 66 67 68 69 70 71 72 73 74 75 76 77 78 79 80 81 82 83 84 85 86 87 88 89 90 91 92 93 94 95 96 97 98 99 100 101 102 103 104 105 106 107 108 109 110 111 112 113 114 115 116 117 118 119 120 121 122 123 124 125 126 127 128 129 130 131 132 133 134 135 136 137 138 139 140 141 142 143 144 145 146 147 148 149 150 151 152 153 154 155 156 157 158 159 160 161 162 163 164 165 166 167 168 169 170 171 172 173 174 175 176 177 178 179 180 181 182 183 184 185 186 187 188 189 190 191 192 193 194 195 196 197 198 199 200 201 202 203 204 205 206 207 208 209 210 211 212 213 214 215 216 217 218 219 220 221 222 223 224 225 226 227 228 229 230 231 232 233 234 235 236 237 238 239 240 241 242 243 244 245 246 247 248 249 250 251 252 253 254 255 256 257 258 259 260 261 262 263 264 265 266 267 268 269 270 271 272 273 274 275 276 277 278 279 280 281 282 283 284 285 286 287 288 289 290 291 292 293 294 295 296 297 298 299 300 301 302 303 304 305 306 307 308 309 310 311 312 313 314 315 316 317 318 319 320 321 322 323 324 325 326 327 328 329 330 331 332 333 334 335 336 337 338 339 340 341 342 343 344 345 346 347 348 349 350 351 352 353 354 355 356 357 358 359 360 361 362 363 364 365 366 367 368 369 370 371 372 373 374 375 376 377 378 379 380 381 382 383 384 385 386 387 388 389 390 391 392 393 394 395 396 397 398 399 400 401
- Did ya? - Yeah.
- Has she seen shelley? - No.
- She ain't seen shelley? - She ain't seen her.
- How do you know? - She told me.
- What did she say? - She said, ''I ain't seen her.
'' - She told you that? - I said, ''you seen shelley?'' She said no.
- She said no? - She said she was on holiday.
- On holiday? - She's gone on holiday.
- What for? - I don't know.
- Where's she gone? Ibiza? I said, ''where's she gone, Ibiza?'' She said, ''no, Zimbabwe.
'' she's gone Zimbabwe? She's gone Zimbabwe.
What's she gone Zimbabwe for? - I dunno.
- I thought she was going Ibiza.
I said, ''I thought she was going Ibiza.
'' She said, ''no, Zimbabwe.
'' I said, ''what's she go Zimbabwe for?'' She said, ''I dunno.
'' it's funny, innit? I couldn't believe it.
Where is Zimbabwe? I dunno.
On the high street's fine.
- How much will that be? - About 12 quid.
No, no! It's washed! - Just a quick wash.
- No! It's clean.
Please.
They don't take no for an answer, do they? No.
It's unbelievable.
Every day they do that.
Every day I have to say no.
- You know what you could do? - What's that? Well, you could just get out of your car and just say, ''no! No! No! I said no!'' then sling his water over his greasy, flea-ridden head, and he'll be like, ''ow! That's hot!'' and then just give him one backhander, one swift backhander right across his steamy red face.
- Well - Hitler-worshipping pikey scum! Actually, just round the corner's fine.
Was it ¼12? No, just call it ten.
- Am I late? - No, bang on time as usual, Geoff.
- Have we got company? - No, it's two for one on theakston's tonight.
Shall I have that one and get the next round in? Er Well, I've nearly finished this one, so Right.
Right, I'll just No, I won't bother.
I can't stop for long.
Bunty, do you want to take your hat off? Thing is, it's a new one.
I'm trying to break it in before the nationals.
- Maybe just for this meeting.
- You're the boss.
We've got your presentation to organise at some point.
- I wanted to go through a few details.
- I told you.
I don't want a fuss.
Come on.
How many people do you know that have been a majorette for 25 years? Most kids have had enough by the time they're 15.
What can I say, Geoff? I love spinning a Baton! It's me life.
Aye.
Now - I wanted to tell you the line-up for Leeds.
- Fire away.
Ok.
Front row, I've got Lauren, ashleigh, Danielle and little Gemma Graham.
Right, can I stop you there, Geoff? Gemma Graham on the front row? Shouldn't she be in tiny tots? - She was, but there aren't awards in tiny tots.
- Sorry, but Gemma should be in tiny tots.
This could be the tip of the ice cube.
I mean, if you put her in the main team this year, who knows what her demands will be next year? Bunty, she won't have any demands.
She's six.
I'm putting her in the main team and that's that.
Come on, Geoff! On the front row? Gemma Graham? Isn't she going to look a bit foolish with one year's twirling experience standing next to me on the front row? You're not on the front row this year.
Right.
Well, I suppose second row is better than nothing.
You're not on the second row either.
Oh.
I see.
Is there anything else I should know? Sorry, love.
I didn't mean to tell you like that.
It's just thatYou're 31.
Every year, we think you're gonna call it a day, but you keep coming back.
I'm sorry, love, but we all feel the time is right now for you to leave the spinners.
Bunty, love are you all right? Oh, Geoff, you really don't understand, do you? It's not about medals or trophies.
It's not about getting me picture in the local paper.
Yes, I may be a legend in some people's eyes, but I have to step into me catsuit one leg at a time just like everyone else.
It's about marching shoulder to shoulder with your fellow majorettes.
It's about watching each other's back when a high throw goes up.
It's having that sixth sense that tells you that, even though you can't hear the music properly, you know you're more or less in step with everybody else.
It's a feeling there are no words to describe, when 25 individual majorettes become one living, breathing animal with the instinct of a fox and the grace of a soaring kestrel.
I'm a Doncaster spinner.
And you'll never know how proud I am to say that.
And if the spinners asked me to leave, wellI'd go, and of course I'd carry on living, but believe me, Geoff, my heart would die.
I'm sorry, love.
It's over.
all by myself don't wanna be all by myself - you don't know what's happened today.
- What? - I've not told you, have I? - No.
- It was so funny! You won't believe it.
- What happened? You won't believe what I've done.
- It was so funny! - What have you done? I can't believe it! - Come on.
What have you done this time? - I can't tell ya! - Why can't you tell me? - You'll die! When you know what I've done, you will die.
- You've got to tell me.
- I nearly died.
It's so funny! - What have you done? - I've not told you, have I? You ain't said a word! Eight o'clock this morning, I've gone into work.
I've put the kettle on, made a cup of tea.
I'm at me desk, sorting through some stuff and I can hear something behind me.
- What's behind ya? - I thought, ''what's behind me?'' I turned around like that to have a look, - and it's only shona, innit! - What's she doing there? She's standing by the kettle and she's laughing.
What's she laughing for? I said to her, ''what you laughing for?'' She said, ''I thought you were gonna make a cup of tea.
'' I said, ''I am.
I just put the kettle on.
'' She said, ''no, you ain't.
It ain't plugged in.
'' I said, ''what do you mean?'' She said, ''you've plugged in the cafetiére instead.
'' you didn't plug the kettle in? I ain't plugged it in! I've put the water in the kettle, I've put the tea in the pot, I've put the pot on the side, and I have plugged in the cafetiére instead! Why didn't you plug the kettle in, babe? I dunno! Well, we have fell about.
She said, ''you're going mad, ain't you?'' I said, ''I am, ain't I?'' - you're going mad! - I am going mad! Well, then, it's dawned on me what must have happened.
- What? - You know what I've done, don't ya? No.
I've suddenly realised.
I've got the leads mixed up.
- Is that what's happened? - It must be.
- It make sense, don't it? - I suppose it would.
I've told shona and she's looked at me like that.
She said, ''I don't believe you.
What are you like?'' It was so funny! She told the other girls in the office, and they have absolutely collapsed.
Mary, she's wet herselt she's laughing so much.
Pauline, she can't breathe she thinks it's so funny, and by this time, poor shona's nearly choking.
It was absolute bedlam! She said, ''you are a liability.
What are you like?'' I said, ''well, you know what I'm like.
'' She knows what I'm like.
What's a cafetiére? I dunno! - ErmDo you mind if I sit here? - No, not at all.
- It's busy in here, isn't it? - Yeah.
- Is it always busy? - Yeah, it's very popular.
Anyone who's paid for vegetarian lasagne, it's all gone, but you can have aubergine bake or butternut squash Risotto for the same price.
I don't believe it.
- Was that you? Oh, how annoying.
- Oh, well, never mind.
- You know what you could do? - What? You could just grab the dirty little soap-dodger by the scruff of his hemp shirt and say, ''listen, moon unit, why don't you think as much about how many veggie lasagnes are left ''as you do about saving the whale, ''or whatever it is you do when you're not rolling around in shit, ''you stinking, unicycle-riding, tofu-eating hippy?'' then get a big bloody steak, and he'll be like, ''no, no! I don't eat meat!'' and poke it right down this throat so he can't breathe, and then, just give him a backhander, just one swift backhander right across his scabby vegetarian face! I think I might just get something else.
The aubergine bake is lovely.
In future, why don't you just admit you can't read maps? In future, why not tell me that the squiggly blue lines are different to the squiggly green ones? You have to have every painfully obvious thing explained to you - things that everybody else takes for granted - - just in case you balls it up.
- Ok.
I won't interfere next time.
- Can I have that in writing? - Do it yourselt.
See how you get on.
- We'll get there sooner.
- Shut up.
# no one else can make me feel # the colours that you bring # stay with me while we grow old and we will live each day in springtime I mean, why can't you just admit defeat and say, ''I think we may be lost?'' - shut up! You're like an old woman.
- Instead of pretending for two hours! Two hours! Jesus Christ! All right, all right, you've made your point - .
.
Little man.
- What? - Little man syndrome.
That's what you've got.
- Don't be stupid.
''I'm a short little man.
I get all angry about things because I want to be taller.
'' - you're pathetic.
- At least I can see above the dashboard.
- Shame you can't fit in the back seat, though.
- What? Nothing.
# 'cause loving you # has made my life so beautiful and every day of my life is filled with loving you - are you saying I'm fat? - I didn't say that.
Maybe you're a little bit sensitive about still having a jelly belly.
Excuse me? - You thought you'd be back in jeans by now.
- What has that got to do with anything? You're still wearing maternity slacks.
Concentrate on the road, you evil little dwarf! LA-LA-LA-LA-LA - calm down.
We'll soon be at dunkin' donuts - midget! It's been such a mental day today.
You wouldn't believe it! Lunchtime, right, I tells hayley I fancy a jacket potato.
She says, ''I'm going to pret a manger,'' so I walks down with her 'cause it's on the way.
In the end, we've ended up sharing jacket potato, cottage cheese and a salade niçoise.
We've gone back to work, we've got in the lift, next thing I know, the doors have opened, she's walked out, I've followed her out, I've taken one look around me I'm only on the fifth floor, ain't I?! I'm only on the fifth floor in human resources! - You don't work in human resources, babe.
- I know! I'm on the fifth floor in human resources.
I'm supposed to be on the third in personnel! Well, we have gone off into uncontrollable hysterics! She said, ''what you doing up here?'' I says, ''I've only followed you out, ain't I?'' she said to me, ''you're a lunatic! What you gonna do now?'' I said, ''I think I'll just walk back down.
'' what's human resources? I dunno! Hello? Allo? Oui, je sais c'est moi.
Oui, je t'embrasse.
Je t'embrasse.
A tout à l'heure.
Oui, je sais.
Salut.
Who was that? I dunno! - You want kids, don't you? - Yeah.
One day.
We have spoken about it.
It would be nice.
Jenny topley's had another one.
I'm surprised she's got time.
- Not her first, then? - Her first? You know Jenny topley.
- Do I? - Jenny topley from the canteen.
- I've talked about her loads of times.
- Oh, yeah.
Guess how many kids she's got now.
- How many kids has she got now? - I haven't a clue.
- Have a guess.
She's always pregnant.
- I really have no idea.
Yes, you do! Come on! Jenny kids r us topley.
How many? Just guess.
- I don't know.
- How many kids has she got now? - Have a guess.
- 12? 12? Who has 12 kids? She's a woman, not a cat.
All right.
Three? Jenny topley? Three? She's been pregnant all her adult life.
- Five.
- Am I speaking another language? - No, she hasn't got five.
- Eight.
Seven.
- She's got seven kids.
- Seven? Wow! That's a lot of kids.
Yes, it is seven more than you'll ever have, you barren old crow.
- I just don't see the point of it myselt.
- This area has a long history of street theatre.
Yeah, I've seen 'em here before.
- I can't see what he's supposed to be doing.
- It does get on your nerves a bit! Makes you want to walk up to him, get him in a headlock and say, ''what in the name of Christ are you doing with your life, ''mincing around like a big old Mary-Anne, dressed like some sort of deviant? ''You're nearly 5o, for God's sake! What do your children say? '''My daddy hangs around public places, wearing make-up and scaring people''' someone should just give him a backhander, one swift backhander right across his saggy-jowled, painted old face.
That would bring him to his senses, wouldn't it? - I like the man that does the juggling, though.
- Yes! He is wonderful.
- Hello, Lauren.
How can I help you? - I've got like this to give you, innit? One second, Lauren.
- This is a request to be excused from games.
- That's why I'm giving it to you, is it.
You should give this to miss Harris.
I tried to find her, yeah, but she weren't here.
Find miss Harris and give this to her.
I can't excuse you from a subject that I don't teach.
- Am I bothered? - I'm sorry? - Am I bothered, though? - I can't help you.
- I'm not bothered, though.
- You're not even listening to me.
- Am I bothered? - Where do you get this attitude? - Are you talking about my family? - Pardon? - Are you disrespecting my family, though? - I never mentioned your family.
- Are you ignoring my family? - Lauren - You're a bright girl - Do I care? - You could do well.
- Do I care, though? I don't care, mate.
Go and find miss Harris or you'll be marked absent.
Do I look bothered? No, Lauren, you don't look bothered, and neither do I.
But am I bothered? - Have you had a holiday yet? - Yeah, we went to cornwall.
- Nice.
I booked my holiday this morning.
- Good for you.
You deserve a break.
- Two weeks.
- Brilliant.
Do you mind if I do this? Sorry.
Egypt.
Cairo.
Land of the pharaohs.
- The pyramids.
- Sounds amazing! We get there by boat, down the nile.
- Boiling hot.
- Lovely.
- Tutankhamen.
- Do you mind if I just finish this? - Four stars.
In the middle of Cairo.
- Brilliant.
En-suite bathrooms, camel rides - Waiters in local costume - You've done really well.
Packed lunches on the excursions.
Wow! - Guess how much I paid for all that? - Oh - How much did I pay for all that? - No idea.
- Have a guess.
- I don't have a clue.
Just have a guess.
En-suite bathrooms.
- I don't know.
- Take a wild guess.
Camel rides.
- I wouldn't like to.
- Have a guess! - Have a guess! - I don't know.
- It won't kill you.
Guess.
- I can't think.
- Say a number.
- £8o.
£8o? £8o? I'm going to Egypt, not phoning it.
- Sorry.
- You couldn't go to croydon for that.
- £2oo.
- Were you listening? - It's the holiday of a lifetime.
- 5oo.
- Have you ever been on a camel? - 65o.
- 7oo.
- 7oo? And 11 pounds.
Did you say packed lunches on the excursions? That's really reasonable.
Yes, it is you'll have a lovely time.
Shove it up your arse! - Hello, nan! - Here he is! - You come up and see me? - Yeah.
You come up and see me, ain't ya? You are a good boy.
Want something to eat? - No, thanks.
- Do you want a sandwich? - I've eaten.
- Have a sandwich.
- Nah, I don't want anything.
- Have something.
A cup of tea at least.
- I'll have a coffee.
- What? - A coffee.
- I ain't got time for coffees.
Come on.
Clear that lot up.
- I'm expecting company.
- Who you expecting? It's Thursday - meals on wheels! - It's only Brenda.
- That's where you're wrong.
I got meselt a new chap, ain't I? Got meselt a new chap bringing up me dinners! What's happened to Brenda? Don't talk to me about that dirty, thieving bastard.
- What have you done now? - I got rid of her.
I got meselt a new chap.
Oh, you wanna see him.
Lovely head of hair he's got.
He's called Gavin.
He's better than that thieving shithouse that robbed me blind.
Who's that? - That's him now.
- Have you given him a key? Course I have.
Who do you think he is, Harry fucking Houdini? # I won't dance, don't ask me # I won't dance, don't ask me # I won't dance, madam, with you # my heart won't let my feet do things they should do so if you hold me in your arms I won't dance what did I tell you, eh? Have a look! Oh, how are you keeping? Lovely.
I got you something special this week.
There was only one left and I saved you it.
You are a good boy, coming up all this way.
- I'm Jamie, mrs Taylor's grandson.
- Yes, yes, I can see you are.
You're obviously a family of lookers.
Yeah, he's very short.
I bet you've broken a few hearts with those eyes.
I bet he's broken a few hearts with those eyes.
He's got glasses but he won't wear 'em.
He'll be blind by the time he's 3o.
While I remember, here's your tights and - .
.
Your change.
- Oh, you are a good boy.
I've got a nice bit of salmon in that fridge.
Have it for your dinner.
That salmon's for you.
You asked for it.
Mind your own business.
He gets on my nerves, keep coming up here.
I can't make him out.
You'd think a boy of his age would be interested in girls, but no.
I wouldn't worry about it.
I was the same at his age.
I am interested in girls.
- When Gavin's gone, I'd like a word with you.
- Make us a cup of tea.
- I can't stay.
- No! Got a rehearsal tonight, soGot to get over to dulwich after I've fed my girls.
Oh, you are a good boy, ain't you, running about after people! What a darling! So I'll see you next week.
Not if I see you first! Ta-ta, sweetheart.
What did I tell ya? Oh! What a smashing fella! Oh, we do have a laugh.
He's brought me tights up an' all.
What a darling.
I don't know what I'd do without him.
''American tan''? American fucking tan? - Who does he think I am? Carmen Miranda? - Come on.
I thought he was your new chap.
He can't even get me a simple pair of tights, the lazy, fat, bug-eyed fairy! What's he brought me up 'ere? Not lamb! Not fucking lamb, is it? That's all I need.
Oh, don't turn me stomach.
Look at it.
Not even a drop of gravy on it either.
Nan, you like lamb.
This would never have happened with Brenda.
That's you, that is, making me get rid of her.
You got shot of me lovely Brenda, just so's you could make eyes at that bow-legged, 'umpty-backed freak show! Worrying the fucking life out of me with song and dance routines! They want shooting, they really do.
Nan, you like lamb.
''Nan, you like lamb'' shut up.
Get me some mint sauce, you useless poof.
Come on! It's getting cold.
This is from that new sandwich shop.
Avocado, tomato on wholemeal, mayonnaise.
£3.
2o.
Lesbian! I once met a man with a sense of adventure he was dressed to thrill wherever he went he said, ''let's make love on a Mountain top ''under the stars on a big, hard rock'' I said, ''in these shoes? ''I don't think soi'' 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50 51 52 53 54 55 56 57 58 59 60 61 62 63 64 65 66 67 68 69 70 71 72 73 74 75 76 77 78 79 80 81 82 83 84 85 86 87 88 89 90 91 92 93 94 95 96 97 98 99 100 101 102 103 104 105 106 107 108 109 110 111 112 113 114 115 116 117 118 119 120 121 122 123 124 125 126 127 128 129 130 131 132 133 134 135 136 137 138 139 140 141 142 143 144 145 146 147 148 149 150 151 152 153 154 155 156 157 158 159 160 161 162 163 164 165 166 167 168 169 170 171 172 173 174 175 176 177 178 179 180 181 182 183 184 185 186 187 188 189 190 191 192 193 194 195 196 197 198 199 200 201 202 203 204 205 206 207 208 209 210 211 212 213 214 215 216 217 218 219 220 221 222 223 224 225 226 227 228 229 230 231 232 233 234 235 236 237 238 239 240 241 242 243 244 245 246 247 248 249 250 251 252 253 254 255 256 257 258 259 260 261 262 263 264 265 266 267 268 269 270 271 272 273 274 275 276 277 278 279 280 281 282 283 284 285 286 287 288 289 290 291 292 293 294 295 296 297 298 299 300 301 302 303 304 305 306 307 308 309 310 311 312 313 314 315 316 317 318 319 320 321 322 323 324 325 326 327 328 329 330 331 332 333 334 335 336 337 338 339 340 341 342 343 344 345 346 347 348 349 350 351 352 353 354 355 356 357 358 359 360 361 362 363 364 365 366 367 368 369 370 371 372 373 374 375 376 377 378 379 380 381 382 383 384 385 386 387 388 389 390 391 392 393 394 395 396 397 398 399 400 401