The Chinaboy Show (2017) s01e04 Episode Script
Episode 4
1 Screw Hollywood.
I'm going to China for my shot at stardom.
My mate just won an Oscar for starring in a Chinese Film.
And it seems like that's where it's at.
I've got a huge audition with a really big name in the Chinese film industry.
Oh ah! - Oh, I'm pretty psyched! - (TAPS A BEAT ON HIS KNEES) Samantha Sawley reporting from China.
We now follow film director Martin as he searches for the star of his next film, which happens to be about an Australian.
Bring in the next one.
Bring the next one! Hi there, guys.
Tell us a bit about yourself.
My name's Scott, and I'm interested in playing the lead role of Michael Smith.
Michael Smith? The Australian surfer from Sydney? Yeah that's the one.
No! Wang Chung already playing Michael.
- So perfect.
- So perfect.
You will auditioning for his dumb, ugly, friend Steve.
Uh OK, alright.
Sure.
OK, Steve, try act.
Oh, look, it's Scott.
Just act, Steven! Mater, what are you talking .
.
about, bloody oath.
Shi ma.
Uh hi, Michael.
Um I'm not your friend.
I want to be honest with you.
Since the I mean, since the cancer set in Stop! Stop that (BLEEP) now.
- Did I stuff up? - Where's the voice? The voice? The bogan voice.
Accent.
It's more funny.
You know the, 'Mate, mate, how you do?' 'Mate, shrimpy!' Bunning Warehouse! Oh oh, yeah, right.
The bogan voice.
Um Yeah, honestly, I don't think, if I can be frank, that the voice is going to make it funnier.
You want the job or not? And why you talk back to me, Frank? It's Scott.
What the (BLEEP), Frank?! Don't talk back! OK, right.
Um I'll give it a crack.
Um (CLEARS THROAT) (OCKER ACCENT) Listen Mike, mate.
I'm not your top bloke anymore.
Sheila, dazza, Aussie, oi oi oi.
Are you sure these are the lines? (BOTH LAUGH) They're so good.
- This Frank.
- His name Steven.
Whatever.
I don't care.
He's good.
Very good actor.
I like him.
(HUMS) D-d-dong ding dong ding dong! Yeah, it's chicken there.
Whoo! Mmm yum.
- (FOOTSTEPS) - Hmm? - Look, Mum.
- Oh, wow! Toby and I are getting married.
Oh, that's great.
But (SIGHS) But what? Why no baby? Mum, are you serious?! (SIGHS) OK, OK! I'm just lonely and want grandchildren.
Sorry I ask too much! Well, we are getting married in four months and Toby has organised everything.
(SIGHS SADLY AND THEATRICALLY) (SIGHS LOUDLY) (SIGHS EVEN MORE LOUDLY) What's wrong? Why no baby?! So, Franky, my friend, can you surf? Uh no, actually.
Do I need to learn? And by the way, the name's Scott.
Oh, an Australian who can't surf? - That's not right.
- That's not right.
- Is he disabled? - Hmm? Is he disabled? I said is he disabled?! Oh maybe.
Uh His feet like tree trunk.
They are huge.
- He's like a fashionable caveman.
- Excuse me? So, Frank, can you catch a crocodile? (LAUGHS) What? Uh n no.
Of course I can't.
Of course not.
But Steve Irwin can.
Are you sure you're Aussie-stralian? Maybe he lying.
This is good acting.
This is very good acting.
OK, welcome.
Hello.
I'm Sally.
Welcome to Anger Management for .
.
Asians.
OK? You're all here today because you don't know how to control your .
.
rage.
OK.
- Alright, let's start with you.
- (BACK SCRATCHER RASPS) You with the back scratcher.
We're just going to run through just a little I don't want to run! I don't like exercise! Oh, no - not physically.
It's just a little demonstration.
Mentally? - Mentally.
- Mentally.
- Yeah.
- OK.
I don't want to.
Why I have to do this? I don't have rage.
OK, so let's pretend that this is your son.
I I don't have a son.
I'm sorry.
It says here that the reason you're here is because of your son.
Like I said I have no son.
I have no son! - OK.
Alright.
Please relax.
- (BREATHES HEAVILY) - I am relax.
- Alright.
Um let's pretend this is your nephew.
But my nephew fatter and have a face.
- Doesn't matter.
- It matter to me.
(SIGHS) Let's pretend your nephew comes home from school.
- School good.
School good.
- OK.
And he says (HUMS HAPPILY) (ASIAN ACCENT) "Hello, Aunty.
Today I fail my math test.
" (HORRIFIED GASPS) You fail math? You dishonour your family! You disappoint me! Your family had high hopes for you.
(GRUNTS, SIGHS) (TUTS DISAPPROVINGLY) Enjoy your life cleaning toilets, you piece of (BLEEP).
OK.
So now (CLEARS THROAT) What would you say or how would you react if this was your son? (SCREAMS) You bad boy! Why? Why can't you play piano like Ping Ling? No, no, no, no, no.
- Let's get you back up here.
- No, don't touch me! - Let's get you up.
- (BREATHES HEAVILY) Now let's just leave that alone.
What would you do if this was your son? Oh! (SCREAMS) OK, can I get a bit of control in here, please? Alright, this is just out of hand.
Oh, oh! Tim, I can't give you the villain role, which is upsetting because I hate your face, but I do have another role.
OK.
Um what's that? It's the 13th supporting role.
His name is Dong and he's a Shanghainese monk.
And he can't speak English.
So the character's Chinese? Uh I'm not sure that I can play a Chinese guy.
I mean, can I? What you mean, Chinese guy? Are you an actor? Actor can do anything.
Tom Cruise was a Last Samurai, Tilda Swinton was a Tibet monk.
Well, she was The next Mulan is probably going to be white as Anne Hathaway.
You white people love acting not white, don't you? (SIGHS) Yes.
Listen, Wang Chung is playing an Aussie surfer because he's an actor.
Maybe even win the China Horse Award for excellence in acting! You say you're an actor.
If you're not an actor, what are you doing here?! Yeah, Tim! What the (BLEEP) are you doing here? OK! OK! I'll give it a go.
Sorry.
One sec.
Um Um (CLEARS THROAT) (ASIAN ACCENT) Ni hao, Michael.
I I am Feng Shui.
Stop! Stop that! That is pretty good.
But I want more Chinese.
More Chinesey.
Look more Chinese.
Squint your eyes, maybe.
Yes, more.
More.
Good.
- But don't be racist.
- Uh Show your front teeth.
Good.
Yes, very nice.
I I Guys this is in Chinese, the whole script.
You can't speak Chinese? You live in China and you don't speak Chinese?! - I'm trying to learn - Get out of here! Go home! - I just - BOTH: Out, Scott! - He was great.
I liked him.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Too bad he no speak Chinese.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE) And the China Horse award for excellence in acting goes to .
.
Wang Chung as Surfer Steve.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE) Xie xie, xie xie.
(BLEEP)! I just wanted to thank my mother.
When she die, I don't have to be doctor anymore.
I become actor and win this award.
So for my mother, thank you for dying.
I'm going to China for my shot at stardom.
My mate just won an Oscar for starring in a Chinese Film.
And it seems like that's where it's at.
I've got a huge audition with a really big name in the Chinese film industry.
Oh ah! - Oh, I'm pretty psyched! - (TAPS A BEAT ON HIS KNEES) Samantha Sawley reporting from China.
We now follow film director Martin as he searches for the star of his next film, which happens to be about an Australian.
Bring in the next one.
Bring the next one! Hi there, guys.
Tell us a bit about yourself.
My name's Scott, and I'm interested in playing the lead role of Michael Smith.
Michael Smith? The Australian surfer from Sydney? Yeah that's the one.
No! Wang Chung already playing Michael.
- So perfect.
- So perfect.
You will auditioning for his dumb, ugly, friend Steve.
Uh OK, alright.
Sure.
OK, Steve, try act.
Oh, look, it's Scott.
Just act, Steven! Mater, what are you talking .
.
about, bloody oath.
Shi ma.
Uh hi, Michael.
Um I'm not your friend.
I want to be honest with you.
Since the I mean, since the cancer set in Stop! Stop that (BLEEP) now.
- Did I stuff up? - Where's the voice? The voice? The bogan voice.
Accent.
It's more funny.
You know the, 'Mate, mate, how you do?' 'Mate, shrimpy!' Bunning Warehouse! Oh oh, yeah, right.
The bogan voice.
Um Yeah, honestly, I don't think, if I can be frank, that the voice is going to make it funnier.
You want the job or not? And why you talk back to me, Frank? It's Scott.
What the (BLEEP), Frank?! Don't talk back! OK, right.
Um I'll give it a crack.
Um (CLEARS THROAT) (OCKER ACCENT) Listen Mike, mate.
I'm not your top bloke anymore.
Sheila, dazza, Aussie, oi oi oi.
Are you sure these are the lines? (BOTH LAUGH) They're so good.
- This Frank.
- His name Steven.
Whatever.
I don't care.
He's good.
Very good actor.
I like him.
(HUMS) D-d-dong ding dong ding dong! Yeah, it's chicken there.
Whoo! Mmm yum.
- (FOOTSTEPS) - Hmm? - Look, Mum.
- Oh, wow! Toby and I are getting married.
Oh, that's great.
But (SIGHS) But what? Why no baby? Mum, are you serious?! (SIGHS) OK, OK! I'm just lonely and want grandchildren.
Sorry I ask too much! Well, we are getting married in four months and Toby has organised everything.
(SIGHS SADLY AND THEATRICALLY) (SIGHS LOUDLY) (SIGHS EVEN MORE LOUDLY) What's wrong? Why no baby?! So, Franky, my friend, can you surf? Uh no, actually.
Do I need to learn? And by the way, the name's Scott.
Oh, an Australian who can't surf? - That's not right.
- That's not right.
- Is he disabled? - Hmm? Is he disabled? I said is he disabled?! Oh maybe.
Uh His feet like tree trunk.
They are huge.
- He's like a fashionable caveman.
- Excuse me? So, Frank, can you catch a crocodile? (LAUGHS) What? Uh n no.
Of course I can't.
Of course not.
But Steve Irwin can.
Are you sure you're Aussie-stralian? Maybe he lying.
This is good acting.
This is very good acting.
OK, welcome.
Hello.
I'm Sally.
Welcome to Anger Management for .
.
Asians.
OK? You're all here today because you don't know how to control your .
.
rage.
OK.
- Alright, let's start with you.
- (BACK SCRATCHER RASPS) You with the back scratcher.
We're just going to run through just a little I don't want to run! I don't like exercise! Oh, no - not physically.
It's just a little demonstration.
Mentally? - Mentally.
- Mentally.
- Yeah.
- OK.
I don't want to.
Why I have to do this? I don't have rage.
OK, so let's pretend that this is your son.
I I don't have a son.
I'm sorry.
It says here that the reason you're here is because of your son.
Like I said I have no son.
I have no son! - OK.
Alright.
Please relax.
- (BREATHES HEAVILY) - I am relax.
- Alright.
Um let's pretend this is your nephew.
But my nephew fatter and have a face.
- Doesn't matter.
- It matter to me.
(SIGHS) Let's pretend your nephew comes home from school.
- School good.
School good.
- OK.
And he says (HUMS HAPPILY) (ASIAN ACCENT) "Hello, Aunty.
Today I fail my math test.
" (HORRIFIED GASPS) You fail math? You dishonour your family! You disappoint me! Your family had high hopes for you.
(GRUNTS, SIGHS) (TUTS DISAPPROVINGLY) Enjoy your life cleaning toilets, you piece of (BLEEP).
OK.
So now (CLEARS THROAT) What would you say or how would you react if this was your son? (SCREAMS) You bad boy! Why? Why can't you play piano like Ping Ling? No, no, no, no, no.
- Let's get you back up here.
- No, don't touch me! - Let's get you up.
- (BREATHES HEAVILY) Now let's just leave that alone.
What would you do if this was your son? Oh! (SCREAMS) OK, can I get a bit of control in here, please? Alright, this is just out of hand.
Oh, oh! Tim, I can't give you the villain role, which is upsetting because I hate your face, but I do have another role.
OK.
Um what's that? It's the 13th supporting role.
His name is Dong and he's a Shanghainese monk.
And he can't speak English.
So the character's Chinese? Uh I'm not sure that I can play a Chinese guy.
I mean, can I? What you mean, Chinese guy? Are you an actor? Actor can do anything.
Tom Cruise was a Last Samurai, Tilda Swinton was a Tibet monk.
Well, she was The next Mulan is probably going to be white as Anne Hathaway.
You white people love acting not white, don't you? (SIGHS) Yes.
Listen, Wang Chung is playing an Aussie surfer because he's an actor.
Maybe even win the China Horse Award for excellence in acting! You say you're an actor.
If you're not an actor, what are you doing here?! Yeah, Tim! What the (BLEEP) are you doing here? OK! OK! I'll give it a go.
Sorry.
One sec.
Um Um (CLEARS THROAT) (ASIAN ACCENT) Ni hao, Michael.
I I am Feng Shui.
Stop! Stop that! That is pretty good.
But I want more Chinese.
More Chinesey.
Look more Chinese.
Squint your eyes, maybe.
Yes, more.
More.
Good.
- But don't be racist.
- Uh Show your front teeth.
Good.
Yes, very nice.
I I Guys this is in Chinese, the whole script.
You can't speak Chinese? You live in China and you don't speak Chinese?! - I'm trying to learn - Get out of here! Go home! - I just - BOTH: Out, Scott! - He was great.
I liked him.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Too bad he no speak Chinese.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE) And the China Horse award for excellence in acting goes to .
.
Wang Chung as Surfer Steve.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE) Xie xie, xie xie.
(BLEEP)! I just wanted to thank my mother.
When she die, I don't have to be doctor anymore.
I become actor and win this award.
So for my mother, thank you for dying.