The Cleveland Show s01e04 Episode Script

[SINGING.]
My name is Cleveland Brown And I am proud to be Right back in my hometown With my new family There's old friends and new friends And even a bear Through good times and bad times It's true love we share And so I found a place Where everyone will know My happy mustache face This is The Cleveland Show [CHUCKLES.]
All right, Herbie Hancock's coming to town.
Hey, old man, buy me Herbie Hancock tickets.
You don't know nothing about Herbie Hancock.
What? Don't you tell me I don't know about Herbie Hancock.
- I love Herbie Hancock.
- Me too.
"Rockit.
" [HUMMING "AXEL F".]
- "Rockit.
" - That ain't "Rockit.
" That's "Axel F.
" How does "Rockit" go? [HUMMING "AXEL F".]
Oh, doggone it.
Now you've got me doing it.
You've Herbie Hancock-blocked me.
Kids, I've told you three times now to go make your beds.
You get two more times, then a final warning and then I go to work angry.
I already made my bed, Miss Donna.
Is that sarcasm, Junior? Because if there's one thing I do not understand, it's sarcasm.
No.
I'm telling the truth.
Oh, well, then thank you.
What kind of idiot makes their bed? Damn fat fool done made his bed? Shoot.
Now I gotta make my bed.
Damn.
I'm proud of you, son.
Now, maybe you could work on eating a little slower, and not as much and not so often, and maybe you could exercise.
- Maybe you could get a job.
Heh-heh-heh.
- Ha, ha, oh.
You know I been looking.
I just haven't found the right one yet.
Last week, I answered an ad for an old grizzled cop two days from retirement.
[GUNSHOTS.]
Okay, Brown.
Go draw their fire.
But I'm two days from retirement.
All right, I'll go.
[SCREAMING.]
Oh, well, I'm two days from retirement.
And then I tried my hand as a singing spokesman for a furniture flea market.
[SINGING.]
Living room, bedroom, dinette We got it, you need it You'll find it, it's just like It's just like a mini mall Hey, hey, you heard me Come shop I said flea market Stoolbend, it's just like It's just like a mini mall Hey, hey, living room, bedroom, dinette Oh, yeah You can find them at the market We talking about flea market Stoolbend, it's just like It's just like a mini mall Hey, hey, don't stop Let's make it a dance Come on now, to the left, to the left To the right, to the right Let's do this dance Hey, to the left, to the left To the right, to the right Let's make this a dance Flea market, Stoolbend It keeps you a-jumping It's just like, it's just like a mini mall - Can I have a beer, please? - Me too.
And I as well.
Give me a Stoli Red Bull, sugar-free.
I've got my father's hips.
Just order a beer, fool.
Whoa, watch out for this guy, huh? Cleveland, what's up with the short fuse, man? Oh, I'm just having trouble finding gainful employment.
- Oh, yeah, yeah.
Finding a job is hard.
- I've never found one.
Yeah, I had to ask Jesus to lead me to the job of my dreams.
And when he did, I knew that he was the guy that I wanted to keep going to to ask for things.
Last year, I asked Jesus for tickets for the ESPYs.
He didn't come through.
I just watched it on my plasma.
- In your mom's basement? - Shut up.
You know, Cleveland, there's an opening in my department down at the cable company.
I could put in a good word for you.
Telemarketing? Yes.
Yeah.
Why does everyone always say it like that? Telemarketing is the chatter of the global marketplace.
Ring-ring.
Hello? Cleveland, it's your future.
Are you going to answer it? Or quietly whisper to me: [WHISPERING.]
"Tell them I'm not here.
" [IN NORMAL TONE.]
Plus, for every new employee I bring in, I get a $200 bonus.
And I sure could use it after I donated all that money to help fight bear AIDS.
[BEAR GROWLING AND MAN SCREAMING.]
Did you get the bear to wear the condom? Oh, cool.
Cubicles.
Hey, good morning, Mr.
Waterman.
- Everything okay here, Tim? - Oh, yes, thank you.
Say pineapple if you want me to get security.
Oh, no.
Mr.
Waterman, this is Cleveland, the guy I was telling you about.
You didn't tell me he was [CLEARING THRO AT.]
Okay, here's your desk and your phone.
The keypad has several buttons with numbers and other things on them.
You probably just use the ones with the numbers, though, I would think.
Okay, so I got you down for one deluxe package with high-speed Internet.
No.
Thank you, sir.
I just made my first sale.
TIM: Holy smokes.
I've never seen beginner's luck like that before.
Okay, bye now.
Hey, my phone is filled with silver dollars! Bees! [SCREAMING.]
No! [CLEVELAND GRUNTING.]
All right.
No.
Great job, Cleveland.
Sorry for judging you earlier today.
I did what I grew up watching my mother do: Underestimate minorities.
Of course, she'd sleep with them.
She sounds like someone I would dislike, and then like a lot and then dislike again.
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
[SIGHS.]
So no two months gets the same exotic coffee, right? Portugal? Do they know coffee in Portugal? Oh, that sounds expensive.
We have Folgers crystals.
You have Folgers crystals.
Yes, you have my card on file.
Thank you.
I'm gonna go and take out the trash.
Okay, but when you get back you're gonna crawl down under the sheets and take care of Mama Bear.
MAN [ON TV.]
: You're watching Ike Turner Classic Movies.
Why don't you come up and see me sometime? - What the hell did you just say? - I didn't say nothing, Ike.
Why'd you make me treat you like this, huh, huh? Roberta, Rallo, Cleveland Jr.
Folded the laundry.
And I think you two should put it away.
Put away my laundry? It's not my job to pick up after myself.
I'm not my mother.
You'll get this back when you're done with the laundry.
Oh, man.
Now what am I supposed to? Oh, there's a book.
Don't laugh, America.
Don't laugh.
Can I have your attention, please? Due to his remarkable sales I'm giving this week's Employee of the Week Award to Cleveland Brown.
Hurray! As part of your Employee of the Week Award, here's $200 bonus.
Neat.
Tim, you wanna come out with me while I mindlessly blow through all this extra money? No.
No.
No, thanks.
You go on ahead.
I'm gonna stay late and try to make a few more sales.
Okay, I might just go buy myself a top hat.
[SINGING.]
Gonna get myself a top hat Top hat [SIGHS.]
- What are you doing? - Oh, uh, hey, Arch! - What are you doing, Tim? - Oh, nothing.
Tim, those are for us at work, not to take home.
Yeah, well, I didn't use any today.
I figured what I didn't use, I could take home.
No.
That's not how this works.
Well, it's just that my wife, she puts these in her diet sodas because she likes so much chemicals, you know? - Then what are the coffee filters for? - Uh Why don't you go ahead and put everything back? Look, it's been a hard month.
Sometimes months are hard.
You bring in extra stuff when things are going good? Well, see you tomorrow, Arch.
No, you won't.
Taking a vacation day.
- Whoa, what's this? - My chore wheel.
It makes doing chores even more fun.
Watch.
Gutter patrol.
All right.
We gotta stop this before it's too late.
I know.
Look what happened when nobody stopped Robert Redford.
Let me get this straight.
For only $ 10,000 I can have every inch of skin replaced with fried chicken? That's correct.
I'd be a fool not to.
Oh, no way.
Terry Kimple's in the house, y'all.
Hey, Cleveland.
Holy smokes.
What are you doing here? Just trying to be as cool as you.
Well, you're gonna need some tighter pants.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
Hey, Tim.
Terry here was my best friend in high school.
He even saved my life once.
Oh, I just did a solid for a friend.
You'd have done the same thing.
Hey, man.
I needed this.
Thank you.
No problemo.
Hey, what are you kids doing? [GIGGLING.]
Shh.
Shh.
I assume this is yours.
Oh, that is racist.
Come on, wise guy.
Let's go.
Now, hang on, chief.
Cleveland didn't know nothing about this.
That there weed, it belongs to me.
Terry, you could get expelled.
That's all right, man.
Your future's a hell of a lot brighter than mine.
You could be the first black president of the United States.
You take this opportunity and you use it, Cleveland.
Let's go.
You use it.
Use it, man! Use it! So how did your life turn out? Well, when my adulterous ex-wife took my house in our divorce I moved back to town and hastily married a woman I had not seen nor spoken to in 20 years.
So in addition to my own emotionally fragile son I'm now responsible for two ill-mannered stepchildren which is why I got an entry-level telemarketing job at the cable company.
So pretty good, I guess.
What? Oh, sorry, man.
Sorry.
I was just checking out that pair of legs down there.
Ha, ha.
I see Terry Kimple hasn't changed.
Yeah, the ladies love my cable truck.
It's a hot fur magnet.
Hey, you know what? You should come out with me on my calls today.
We could catch up.
TIM: Lord Jesus, could you please encourage Cleveland to go with Terry in his hot fur magnet so I can catch up to his sales? - Tim, will you be all right if I leave you? - Oh, yeah, yeah.
Have a good time.
Thanks, Jesus.
Okay, now maybe we can talk about bringing back Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
[TUBA BLOWING.]
Hey, Cleveland Jr.
, my day's going well.
How about chores? That's a funny way to say it, but it's going all right.
Don't be smart.
You listen to me, Jack.
You better stop cleaning up around here, or things are gonna get messy.
- Like this.
- No.
Tuck in the corners just like Mommy did it.
Like things were when Mommy did it.
And don't divorce the sheets.
The sheets must never be divorced.
Fuck, dude.
So I said, "I don't care if you're pregnant.
That's a three-way in my book.
" [LAUGHING.]
This is humorous.
Why aren't you laughing, Tim? Yeah, what is it? Is your wife having her bear period? CLEVELAND: Oh, gross.
- Why would you say that? Let me get the next round.
I'm still playing with that sweet bonus.
Oh, actually, Cleveland, do you think I could use the $5 you would spend on that beer maybe for a sandwich for me? Seriously? What, am I buying rounds of food now? [LAUGHING.]
Hey, I tell you what, Tim you show us your bear penis and I'll buy you a whole steak.
[LAUGHING.]
Hey, Yogi.
Is it bigger than the average bear's? [LAUGHING.]
He has a bear penis.
TIM: Go ahead and laugh at the financially struggling bear.
I hope I hope Jesus makes something bad happen to you.
There, I said it.
So were you serious about the penis-for-steak deal? You okay to drive? You're a little drunk.
Hell, thanks to my mama, I was born a little drunk.
[CLEVELAND LAUGHS.]
- Oh, no, no, no.
Oh, no.
This is bad, man.
- Oh! Uh-oh.
This will be my third DUI.
I'm gonna go to jail.
I'm gonna lose my job.
They're gonna make me cut my hair.
That there weed, it belongs to me.
Oh, I just did a solid for a friend.
You would have done the same thing.
[LAUGHING.]
Oh, ET's finger.
Phone home.
[SIREN WAILING IN DISTANCE.]
You go on and get out of here.
I was driving this truck.
You're a good friend, man.
Thanks.
[TIRES SCREECH.]
- Check him for drugs.
- Oh, that's racist.
No, this is racist.
Asian people are horrible drivers.
- Ooh-hoo.
- Now get in the car.
- Ah.
- Ah.
So [LAUGHING.]
Thanks for bailing me out, sweetheart.
Baby, I'm a ride-or-die bitch.
You know that.
You're a good man, Cleveland Brown, covering for your friend.
And I am proud to be your wife.
But we're in trouble, Donna.
I'll probably get fired for this.
And what if you go to jail? The thought of my man in prison, lifting rusty weights all day getting hard, fighting for his life in the shower all soaped up and shiny [SIGHS THEN MO ANS.]
Mm-hm.
Beating down a man for fronting me in the yard.
Oh, yeah.
I mean, who the hell does he think he is anyway? - What makes him think I won't cut him? - Oh, Cleveland.
[TIRES SCREECH.]
CLEVELAND: Okay, flip me over.
I'll be the girl first.
DONNA: What? - This is prison we're talking about.
Hey, Junior, Roberta and I think you're obsessively cleaning everything because you have some unresolved issues about your parents' divorce.
I'm totally fine with the divorce.
As a matter of fact, I've never even cried about it.
Not one tear.
What? Why would I cry? I mean, nobody died.
Just a family.
A family died.
That's all it is.
A dead family.
That boy's in denial.
He's got to get it out.
You know, it's not like he doesn't have plenty of reasons to cry.
Yeah.
He's so fat, he'll probably die in his 40s.
Rallo, that's mean.
What if he heard you say that? He'd probably cry.
What's the name of that Jewish comedian? - Don Rickles? - Get him on the phone.
Oh, man.
Has Waterman talked to you yet? Not yet.
I hope he doesn't fire me.
I should be the one getting fired.
Fired by Jesus Christ, our lord and savior.
Big deal.
You showed your penis for food.
We all been there.
No, I was so jealous of Cleveland's success that I prayed to Jesus that something bad would happen to him.
I'm so sorry, Cleveland.
Tim, you are dumb.
Out of pity, I accept your apology.
Bye-bye.
Cleveland, I'm sorry, but I can't tolerate the destruction of company property.
The truck is one thing.
But if anything had happened to Terry, well, l I don't know what I would've This company would have done.
He's a good worker, a good man, a strong robust, tastefully cologned man.
Okay.
Here's your tea, Mr.
Waterman.
Oh.
The point is, Cleveland, I'm afraid I have to let you go.
Oh, that's too bad.
I sure am gonna miss Terry.
He and I go a long way back.
We were on the swim team together.
- Did he wear a Speedo? - Yes, he wore a Speedo.
That is, when you could get him to put on a bathing suit.
Hey, Junior.
Get in here for a minute.
- What's going on? - We decided it's high time you cried.
But we got to ease you into it.
Good evening.
And welcome to the Roast of Cleveland Brown Jr.
A man so huge, his butt has its own zip code.
[PEOPLE LAUGH ON RECORDING.]
[LAUGHING.]
Are you saying I'm as large as a municipality? And now, a young lady who goes to third base faster than Rickey Henderson my sister, Roberta Tubbs.
Rallo Tubbs, everyone.
Or as he's soon to be known, "That's him, officer.
" [LAUGHS.]
And Cleveland Brown Jr.
, or as you're soon to be known the poor bastard they buried in a piano case.
[PEOPLE LAUGH AND GRO AN ON RECORDING.]
Speaking of Jews, here comes one in a big gross diaper.
Don Rickles impersonator Keith Lieb.
Thanks, Rallo.
Hey, look who it is.
A colored Shelley Winters.
That's hurtful even without knowing the reference.
Hey, Don, let's leave the colored out of it.
All right.
All right.
Look at this fat son of a bitch.
You put a hot plate in this kid, you got a Manhattan studio apartment.
[CRYING.]
Stop making fun of me.
There it is.
Let out all the pain from your parents' divorce.
I promise you'll feel better.
I love you, guys.
Thank you.
We love you too, Junior.
What? Did KFC go out of business? I better get out of here before I get killed.
He's from a different time.
And that's why we called him the Wet Banana.
Oh, I could tell unnecessarily graphic stories about Terry all day but I gotta go pack up my desk.
Well, let's not be too hasty.
It's possible I overreacted.
- I assume you're sorry.
You're sorry, right? - Very.
And if you stayed, you could tell me stories.
Say, one every morning over tea? Stories that, you know, Mrs.
Waterman wouldn't need to hear.
Stories that only a man should hear.
Well, if I come back, I'd like to work with Terry as an installer.
I don't wanna be chained to a desk.
Plus, Tim's your salesman.
- The bear? - Yeah, you don't wanna lose him.
In fact, you should give him a raise.
- Have you seen his wienie? - I have.
- Me too.
Magnificent.
- Isn't it weird? Isn't it weird? Yes.
[GRUNTING.]
I don't know how you got out of it, but you did.
So, what's the plan, amigo? You're getting laid, I'm getting paid and we're doing it drunk.
- All right! - Whoo! [CLEVELAND & TERRY WHOOPING.]
TERRY: Hey, Cleveland, check it out! CLEVELAND: Huh? - Oh.
TERRY: You owe me a steak.
CLEVELAND: Put that away.
TERRY: Ha, ha, ha.