The Comedians (US) (2015) s01e04 Episode Script

1 Oh.
Mother[bleep.]
.
Occasionally a show needs to find itself.
Here at FX, we're interested in getting it right, and that's why we've decided to delay the premiere of The Billy & Josh Show.
Did they say when they were delaying it to? They said they would say very soon.
They said they would say? That's what they said.
We just want to give Billy and Josh a chance to gel as a comedy team.
Our philosophy is the best shows come from happy creative teams.
So in fact, this delay is a vote of confidence.
This is a disaster.
Quick question.
Is it possible, even theoretically possible, that this is somehow not a disaster? Right.
Like mold.
Everybody thought mold was a big disaster at first, and then, whoop, penicillin.
Look at that.
We have to do something.
This is the bottom of the ninth.
We're at DEFCON 5.
Point of fact: I'm reading a book on NORAD right now, and I believe the lower DEFCONs are the worst ones, the lower ones.
- Really? - Yeah.
Well, we're at DEFCON [bleep.]
.
No, no, no, no, Dennis didn't say anything about the show being in jeopardy.
Of course he didn't.
That's not how they kill you.
They smile.
They tell you everything is great.
Keep doing what you're doing.
Then one night you're at a diner like Tony Soprano, eating a big bowl of gabagool, and boom.
Cut to black.
You're dead.
Actually, I was listening to an interview with David Chase on NPR, and Tony Soprano did not die.
He didn't die.
I was speaking metaphorically, Josh.
Do you want to hear what David Chase said in the interview or not? Because you don't need to be mean about it.
Here's a question: Are you guys happy with wardrobe? I'm so excited.
Billy and Josh are rolling up their sleeves and just digging in, and they--they haven't always been on the same pa--pa-- Say, I-I--can I take that over, please? I'm gonna-- So how you doing? How's that thing going with FX? You know, I never had a partner.
- No.
- So they teamed me - with this young man.
- I know the guy, Josh Grad.
No, Gad.
G-a-d.
He's gotta change his name.
- That's crazy.
- Why? It just doesn't work, you know? - He's doing okay.
- All right.
- Let me give you an example.
- Okay.
Okay, I'm a big movie executive.
Right.
Yes, Mrs.
Smith, who's in the outer office? Uh, Cary Gant? Um, okay, have him wait.
Yes, Mrs.
Smith.
Who's in the outer office? Cary Grant? You're kidding! Cary Grant? Send him in! Send him in immediately.
- The R-- - Is very important.
- I think it's critical.
- He's really good, Mel.
You saw him.
He's really funny.
Oh, I know, he's talented.
We're good.
It's not, you know, - you and Carl.
- Carl? - Carl.
- Carl.
- Reiner.
- Ah, I'm kidding.
- I know.
- Carl Reiner.
Incredible.
Handsome.
And then time took him in an alley and beat the shit out of him.
You don't want to-- You don't want to see him today.
- No.
- But, anyway, this kid-- - Gad.
- Gad.
Something's not right.
We're just not clicking.
I don't know, the show's going good but not great yet.
I don't know if we need a big swing, if we need guest stars.
A guest star? Gimmicks don't work.
- Yeah.
- Gimmicks never work.
See, that's what I think.
Can I give you some advice? You didn't give me water, so I should get an advice.
- No, it's fine.
It's fine.
- No, please.
Oh, look at that.
- Boy, do I envy that stream.
- There you go.
Now, please.
And when you leave here, and you tell people, say that I gave you water.
- Okay.
- All right.
My advice is very simple.
- You're both talented.
- Right.
- And that's really important.
- I hear you.
Believing in yourself, being true to yourself.
- It's called integrity.
- I got you.
- That's my advice.
- All right, thanks, Mel.
- Bye.
- Take care.
Gad? Gad? Is he out of his [bleep.]
mind? What he doesn't seem to understand is, there's no show without me.
- Totally.
- I mean, don't get me wrong, I love Billy.
I love him as much as anybody else, but Billy Crystal alone, they chose not to put that show on the air.
Absolutely, not till Joshua Gad - came on board.
- Exactly.
Exactly.
Gad got it done, my friend.
Gad got it done.
I need to assert myself.
Dude, great plan.
I'm coming off of a huge Broadway show.
I did the biggest animated movie of all time.
- I can sing.
I can act.
- Triple threat.
No, I can't dance.
Then I'm-- - Double threat.
- Yeah, double threat.
I gotta-- I gotta save the show.
- I guess I gotta do it.
- Yes, yes, do that.
All right, man, I gotta jump, but hey-- Hey, you got this.
- Okay, pal? - All right.
- All right.
- I'll speak to you later.
- Love you.
- Don't--bye.
What if I'm like an older version of Justin Bieber who's totally let himself go and gotten super fat? Hmm, I'm not sure we can do that 'cause we're gonna actually do a project with him, - actually, yeah.
- Really? Wow, okay.
- I love him.
- No, we're not.
- Oh.
- It's just a really terrible idea.
No, I think we can go-- - Just spitballing.
- I think we can go deeper.
I got one, I got one.
How about we'll be the songwriters and we write the song? And you sing it? Jesus.
Way to be a dick about it.
Hey, Billy! Billy! - Hey, you got a second? - Hey.
Sure.
I want to introduce you to my very close friends Bobby Lopez, Kristen Anderson-Lopez.
Oh, hi, how are you? - Hi, I'm a huge, huge fan.
- Oh, me too.
They wrote the music to a little something called Frozen, highest grossing animated movie of all time.
Josh, I get Variety.
And, get ready for your head to explode, they have agreed to write a song for a little sketch comedy show date TBD, The Billy & Josh Show.
Like a theme song for us? No, like a-- Like a sing-- Like a song, song that we would sing.
That we would sing? Yeah.
Don't act so surprised.
It's what I do, right? I-I seem to recall a couple standing Os on Broadway.
And you can--can you sing? A little bit, not like--not like you.
But I did sing on the Oscars every year for, - like, a billion people.
- Right.
- That's not--listen.
- Right.
That's not a Broadway house of 1,400 a night.
It was just a billion every year.
But, hey, yeah.
- How did I forget that? - It's just a billion.
All right, so, uh, we'll talk about this later? - Bye, Billy.
- See ya.
Nice guy.
Did you get hit in the brain with a pipe? I'm serious.
You're an idiot.
And he says, "What are you crying for?" He says, "I forget where I live," ah? I love that joke.
It's a good story.
Hey, how you doing? Sit down, you next.
First haircut today.
Oh, first haircut.
No wonder you look so nervous, huh? I'm gonna make your head an offer it can't refuse, huh? Hey, it's a Godfather reference! Hey, I'll make your hair look like the kid from Lassie, ah? It's a reference to the movie about the dog.
Just don't be scared.
Everything gonna be okay.
I've been giving haircuts since before my balls dropped.
Oh, my.
Don't be frightened, little boy.
It's just a haircut.
- Giuseppe! - I do a little trimming Oops.
I just wish you had spoken to me first.
I know that they're your friends, they're really talented, I mean, they won an Oscar, for God's sakes.
I just don't want to sing a big song and dance number to open the show.
It just feels gimmicky, It feels desperate.
I mean, it's like, Please don't cancel our show, Denis We've got hookers and blow, Denis Josh.
- I thought we were riffing.
- We weren't.
No.
Okay, my bad, I misread that.
Yeah, I don't know what the big deal is, 'cause you're the one who said let's go for a big swing.
No, I know, I know.
But this? I was having lunch with Mel Brooks the other day-- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Mel Brooks? Yeah, we were talking about-- Did somebody just say Mel Brooks? - Yes, him.
- I love Mel Brooks.
Everybody loves Mel Brooks.
Could you get him to guest star? - Holy sh--that would be - Amazing.
Guys, that is not on the table, no.
Billy, talk about a big swing.
Look, you don't want to sing and dance, I get that.
I could actually have Bobby and Kristen write a song for me and Mel.
Oh, it's Mel now.
First-name basis? That--that seems right.
I mean, the song he did from History of the World: Part I-- - The Inquisition? - Classic, classic.
That is probably the one single thing that inspired me to go into comedy.
And a lot of the stuff you did.
Hey, how's it going? Ha! We said the same thing.
Twice in a row! Okay, this is getting weird now.
No, really, though, stop talking, so we can-- Okay, I'll stop talking.
Now I'll talk.
Shit! You haven't heard anything? I hear everything.
Like, mostly shit I do not want to hear.
If you hear anything about me, please let me know.
Whenever a show's in trouble, they always wind up firing the costume designer.
As if that's the problem.
I thought you were the wardrobe girl.
That's the same thing.
Your term's just more offensive.
Oh.
Oh, man.
Oh, man, man, man, man, man.
Whoo, wow.
Yes, Mitch? Oh, man, I mean, this might be the adrenaline talking, writing sketches for Mel freaking Brooks, but this is cool.
Show's on the line, it's clutch time, and it is up to Mitch to just make it happen.
That's exactly how I feel about replenishing the snacks.
Mel Brooks! A musical number? The show is bleeding money! I wouldn't say bleeding.
No, this show is significantly over budget.
And now you're telling me to find more money for a musical number and for Mel Brooks.
I can just see the 19-year-olds doubling over in laughter at the first shtetl joke.
Could be good for the show, little bit of music.
I mean, look what it did for The Voice.
Kristen, the show is fine.
The problem is Billy and Josh.
They just have to get on the same page.
I know.
I just want to reassure you that I am on this and we are gonna get it done.
Good, that's great, 'cause, uh, frankly, this is beginning to sound like panic.
We're--no one is panicking! We're not panicking! Are you panicking? Denis? You know what? Let's just both say something completely random and be done with this.
Ready? Go.
Alien butterscotch Lyndon Johnson fart parade-- What is happening to us? Hang on, my phone is ringing.
Hey, Reba.
Your wife's name is Reba? None of them? They're good.
They're quite good.
They're just not Mel Brooks good.
Mel Brooks good.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
I get what you guys are going through.
You know? I'm a writer.
And I get the temptation to do B+ stuff.
So we should just write A+ sketches-- You should write for this man.
'Cause what you're writing right now is more for that--for Paul Giamatti.
And what I think is, we want to write for a legend.
Right.
- All right, great.
- I trust you.
That's why you get paid the-- The bucks.
- The bucks.
- All right, cool.
- All right? - Yeah, well, yeah.
- Just keep it up.
- Okay.
Okay, cool.
Thanks for sticking up for us back there, man.
Oh, yeah, you're welcome.
Actually, what I was doing-- What were you doing? It's kind of like judo.
In judo, is the purpose of judo that someone gets just the shit beat out of them? 'Cause that's what you did.
And then you tried to slap him five.
- Ugh, that's just pathetic.
- I don't recall that happening.
Hi, Sharon.
Good morning, guys.
How's it going? Hey, Billy.
Slaving away in the comedy mines.
Yeah, I can see that.
This place is a sty.
What happened, the cleaning crew didn't come in after you guys left last night? We--we didn't go home.
You stayed here the whole night working? Wow.
Well, that's dedication, guys.
You know? I appreciate it.
I'm really proud of you.
Look at that.
What's this? "Miracle Max meets the 2000-year-old man"? For you and Mel Brooks.
Mel? - We were told that Mel was-- - No, I'm sorry.
I can't do it.
I can't ask Mel.
This is a mistake.
I feel terrible.
- I'm gonna find out.
- Okay, thank you, Billy.
All right.
This is complete bullshit.
I'm outta here.
Good night.
You know how you stand at the edge of a cliff And you look at the drop, and you wonder What if? Or you stand near the tracks of an oncoming train And a weird, tiny voice starts to scream in your brain Do it! Just do it! We were thinking you might yell that part, maybe.
It comes in a surge At the moment I'm feeling a similar urge I-- Oh.
Hey.
- Sounds funny.
- Right? Can I borrow you just for one second? I love it.
My only question is can Mel Brooks sing that high? What the hell are you doing? What are you talking about? I never said that I would ask Mel.
You never said that you wouldn't ask Mel.
Josh, this is putting me in a very uncomfortable position.
The writers are in there writing sketches for one of their heroes.
Hell, he's my hero.
I can't ask Mel Brooks to do a favor like this.
- So, question.
- Yeah? Should I not have had my agent call Mel's agent to tell him how excited we were about having him on the show? You mother-- Are we in hell? This must be hell.
Purple! Damn it.
I'll kill you.
You don't have to do this! Neither do you! So stop! You stop! Reba? What's happening, Alfonso? Your husband's name is Alfonso? Wife swap? Mel, I know that Josh got ahead of himself.
He called my agent.
Are you kidding me? I know, but you know what? I started to think about it.
It would be fantastic if you were the guest star.
We could do a really funny bit.
You come out as a 2000-year-old man, then I'm Miracle Max from The Princess Bride, and I go, "Boy, I thought I was old.
" You know? It could be funny.
Ah, Billy.
I love you.
You're my pal, so I'm gonna save your show.
Thank you, Mel.
By not doing it.
I take back my thank-you.
A guest star would just get in the way.
Because you and Josh-- What's his last name? Gad.
He still hasn't changed it? No.
A guest star would only interfere.
You need to trust each other.
Right.
Listen to each other.
You need to both get on board.
I'll never forget, I worked with a guy--it was in the Catskills-- What the hell was his name? Jewish guy.
Well, that narrows it down.
It didn't work because we didn't listen to each other and we didn't trust each other.
What was his name? Mel? Mel! Hope! Bob Hope! Bob Hope? And he--we just didn't-- We didn't click.
And nobody ever heard of him again.
Writing for a show like this, I won't lie, it is hard.
But occasionally, you get rewarded.
I mean, Mel friggin' Brooks is going to be saying stuff that I wrote.
Me.
Mitch Reed.
From Muncie, Indiana.
So it's pretty cool.
You know how you stand at the edge of a cliff And you look at the drop and you wonder What if? Or you stand near the tracks of an oncoming train And a weird, tiny voice starts to scream in your brain Do it! Just do it! [audience laughing.]
It comes in a surge At the moment I'm feeling A similar urge I kind of want to kiss an old man There's nothing that would please me more than Giving his wrinkly lips a little lover's peck Then what the heck I got a mind to stick my tongue down his neck And keep it there as long as I can I kinda wanna kiss that old man Why's that fat kid looking at me that way? Doesn't he know that neither of us are gay? Yes, human sexuality is on a sliding scale But if I'm gonna slide my scale to male It's gonna be for Benedict Cumberbatch I need at least a six He's more like a two That big, fat, sweaty, scene-stealing Jew Let's kiss, old man Not this old man And now I'm gonna kiss an old man I'm not that kind of old man It's all going according to plan I like vagina Come here, old man, I want my tongue to touch your tongue You're not a girl, you're ugly, and you're way too young I bet you taste a little like bran - I like vagina - I really wanna kiss - Josh.
- No, Billy, really, listen Josh, fine.
I'll let you (both) Kiss an old man I kind of want to kiss a different old man.
- That was unbelievable.
- Thanks.
- You were incredible.
- Well, hey, number was great.
I would not mind going back to a time before our tongues touched, however.
I take for granted you're healthy.
Yes, you take it for granted.
Listen.
I think maybe we were wrong before, about thinking that we needed a, you know, big change, you know, to take a big swing just to please the network.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
'Cause maybe it's not a music thing.
Maybe it's not a guest star thing.
Maybe it's something that is just, um, really more at the core of what the show is.
You know what I mean? I mean, after all, it's The Billy & Josh Show.
You think-- You think maybe it's the title? - No.
- No, I'm kidding.
- That's not what I'm saying.
- I'm just kidding.
I have no problem with the title even with your name being first and everything.
Listen, whether it's Billy and Josh or Josh and Billy, it doesn't matter, it's still two guys.
You know what I'm saying, and sometimes, two guys are meant to be a team, and sometimes - Yeah.
- Yeah.
Or maybe we're just overthinking it.
- I think maybe we are.
- Yeah, yeah.
Maybe it's just something simple.
- Question.
- Mm-hmm? Kind of off topic but kind of not.
Are you happy with our wardrobe? I'm excited.
We have a new costume designer starting next week.
It just feels like we've righted the ship.
It does; it feels like we've sailed through the storm, past all the icebergs-- Not that-- Not that there were icebergs.
Pushing this premiere date was-- It-- It was a blessing.
We fought for you, but the network is just, you know - Got it.
- And can I just say, you are truly one of the best wardrobe girls I've ever worked with.
Costume designer.
No? Okay.
- Ready to go back to work? - I am, yeah.
- You? - Yeah.
Great.
How was it for you when you started out? I wasn't worried.
I had one thing that I knew could always make me a living, I knew I was better at than anybody in show business.
- What's that? - It was a cat sound.
Cat sound.
Yes.
A cat sound.
Ladies and gentlemen, Mel Brooks and the world-famous cat sound! - Reow! - Oh, boy.
That's the greatest cat sound I've ever heard.
I could've saved The Godfather.
Remember when Brando had that cat - They had the cat.
- In his lap? You come to my daughter's wedding and - Right.
- Daughter's wedding.
Oh, jeez.
Why--why--why, Francis, what happened with the cat?