The Cool Kids (2018) s01e04 Episode Script

1 - (LAUGHS) - I had a great time with you last night.
Well, this morning wasn't too bad either.
- Don't you forget to hydrate.
- (CHUCKLES) Those are your friends over there? (SQUEAKY GRUNTING) I've never seen them before in my life.
No, Hank.
For the last time.
This is the signal for "W" This is the signal for "P" Wait, what's that the signal for? Oh, I don't know.
It's just something weird my arm does.
Don't even tell me what you guys are doing.
I don't want to know.
If you must know, Margaret, I got to pass this eye test so I can renew my license for my golf cart.
So to make sure I'm gonna pass it, we runnin' a little scam.
To be real, the eye test is the scam.
It's Western medicine, man.
You know, the government designed this test - to make our eyes worse.
- MARGARET: Mm.
But you're wearing glasses right now.
Yeah, I know.
I am a victim of it myself.
But think about this.
What are glasses made of? Glass.
And what is glass made of? Sand.
And where does sand come from? The Middle East.
I'm not getting glasses.
That's the first stop on the road to death.
Hank, just don't drive a golf cart.
You could use the steps.
(BOTH LAUGHING) "Just don't drive a golf cart.
" (LAUGHING) Ah (SOFTLY): Margaret.
The dating scene at Shady Meadows is a pyramid.
At the top of the pyramid, that's the stallions they have the golf carts.
- Right.
- At the bottom, those are the walkers, the slugs.
Me, I'm a stallion.
I crush those slugs under my thundering hooves.
Mm.
The thundering hooves of your golf cart.
- That's right.
- Boy.
Is there anybody normal around here I can have breakfast with? Howdy, folks.
Boy, it's a nice day to drink beer, watch football and not have sex with men.
Did y'all buy that? What is going on, Sid? My son Walt just told me he's dropping by for a visit.
In an hour, Margaret.
An hour.
Well, what is wrong with that? Why are you dressed like Woody from Toy Story? I'm trying to dress like a straight person, because Walt does not know I'm gay.
(LAUGHING) Wait a minute.
You're not out to your son? How could he not know? I see the struggle that you're having there, Margaret.
It's a struggle that we've all had ourselves.
- Yep.
- Now, what we've landed on and no offense, Sid is that, um, that boy's just not bright.
Wait.
I-I'm just still trying to wrap my head around the fact that somebody could see you and know you and think that you're straight.
Kids just believe their dads.
You know, I get the dad thing.
I always thought my dad was a rich dentist.
Turns out he was just the guy that shot JFK.
Well, as great as Charlie's example is, I I still think you should just try telling your son the truth.
I can't.
I can't.
I've lied to him his entire life.
If I told him the truth right now, it would blow up our entire relationship.
He'd be shattered.
Just shattered to smithereens.
He really doesn't know? Okay, Walt's gonna be here in 30 minutes.
I removed all the gay stuff from my room.
Tell me if I missed anything.
I'd say you missed everything.
Okay, this couch looks pretty straight to me.
One second.
- Oh! - There.
Perfect.
And I brought you a bunch of straight guy stuff from my room, so you could hang it up here.
I'm giving you my football phone.
My bikini girl poster.
And, uh Charles Barkley cologne.
Don't get this on your skin; this is clothes only.
Am I pretending to be a straight man or a 15-year-old boy? If you figure out the difference, let me know.
Now, I got to look and see that there's football all weekend so we can sail through till Sunday.
Yeah, or here's a crazy thought.
You could maybe just communicate with your son.
(LAUGHTER) Margaret.
Communication between fathers and sons is a series of nods and grunts and decade-long bouts of silence.
My dad gave me a grunt of approval once, and I wept.
Later on, by myself, in the dark so he couldn't see me.
(CHARLIE GRUNTS) Thank you, Charlie.
You know what? I want no part of this.
I'm just gonna go back to my room and try not to think about what Hank has done to that poster.
What'd you do to that poster? I don't do it to the poster, I do it to myself.
- (DOORBELL RINGS) - Oh, he's here! He's here.
He's here.
I mean, uh let's get ready to rock and roll, people.
- Walt.
- What's up, Pop? - Oh, my little man! - (GRUNTS, LAUGHS) BOTH: Ho, ho, ho! Ha-ha! How are Tammy and the boys? Oh, Tammy's good, and the boys bite each other a lot.
- It's hilarious.
- (LAUGHS) - Oh, you fellas must be - I'm Charlie.
Charlie and Hank.
- Yeah.
- How are you? We must be.
Walt, what's with the surprise visit? Well, I came to see where you live.
And see who your friends are, what your life's like.
You keep making excuses for why I can't visit you, so I decided to come on my own.
Plus, it's the big game.
- The Cowboys.
- Oh, the Cowboys! The Dallas Cowboys! I love 'em! They're the tits! Which I also love.
You caught last week's game, right? You see all those sacks our boys got? Oh, did I ever! It was Sacks Fifth Avenue out there.
Oh! (LAUGHS) (FAKE LAUGHING) Hilarious as always, Dad.
Well, park it, buster.
Let's watch some football.
I'm gonna sit right on these chips, 'cause it doesn't bother me at all.
(GRUNTS): Yeah.
- (GRUNTS): Yeah.
- Yeah.
BOTH: Mm-hmm.
Whose kimono is this? Mi My, my, my.
Well, whose is it? Whose is it? Whose is it? Whose? Whose, indeed.
Well, well, isn't that the, um, doesn't belong to that, uh, babe you been hooking up with? You know, the hot babe.
That's right.
That's right.
It's a it's a beautiful lady's kimono.
She took it off for the intercourse.
It's all comin' back to me now.
- Hmm? - Mm.
BOTH: We got to go take an eye test.
Dad, you're seeing someone? That's great! I mean, I haven't heard you talk about a woman since Mom.
Well, that's true I haven't touched a woman since your mother.
Uh, let's get back to football.
Want to? - I love football.
Mm-hmm.
- No, hang on, Dad.
Who is this woman? Tell me more about her.
Well, as you probably gathered from the kimono, uh she's Japanese.
Of, uh, royal blood.
But she's very down-to-earth.
She's actually worked in the earth.
Uh she's a coal miner.
Wow.
She sounds like an incredible woman.
What's her name? Her name? Uh, uh, her name, uh Oh.
Margaret! Yeah.
Me, Margaret.
I forgot my purse.
You also forgot your kimono.
Walt, meet Margaret, my royal Japanese coal-mining lover.
I cannot believe that I agreed to this.
I'm sorry.
I tried to get us out of it, but he insisted on lunch.
Just so you know, I don't approve of any of this at all.
And you're gonna do my income taxes this year.
Well, that shouldn't be hard I think I can add zero to zero.
You really want to insult me right now? I'm sorry, I'm just a Stressy Bessy.
All right, just bring me up to speed on all this nonsense you've spewed.
So I'm a Japanese coal miner? Royal Japanese coal miner.
Oh.
That makes much more sense.
I had a kimono in my hand and a gun to my head.
I was free-associating.
At least you're interesting now.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Uh, sorry about that.
Tammy was just checking in.
The boys set off firecracker in the toilet.
And I'm pissed.
I mean, you hate to miss the important stuff.
All right, stick to the story and don't add anything.
- Got it.
- So, let's get to know each other.
Where'd y'all meet? - Here.
- The bayou.
(WHISPERING): Margaret.
Margaret.
Margaret, I think my dad wants to talk to you underneath the table.
Why did I say bayou? I was gonna ask you the same question.
Well, what should we do? Not this.
Well, yeah, uh, we met here.
When I said "bayou," I-I meant "by you.
" Of course, I was referring to you, being Margaret, my lover.
I love you, baby.
We're back on track.
Hank! Hear you might need glasses.
Pretty soon, you're gonna look as cool as me.
Take a hike, Dudley.
I hope this works.
How am I supposed to pass this stupid eye test? I stole the shock collar from Betsy Donahue's Pomeranian.
Put it in your pocket, and I will buzz you for each letter.
One for "A," two for "B" That's beautiful, Charlie.
Yeah, I'm not done.
Three for "C" Yeah, I-I got it, and I love it.
This stallion's about to be set loose.
(LAUGHS) By renewing his license to drive an electric golf cart.
- See? - (WHINNIES) Yeah, you hear that? That's the sound of freedom.
Horse freedom.
(SPUTTERS) What's up, guys? I'm Dr.
Chad.
Oh, another mindless disciple of Western medicine.
Nice to meet you, "Doctor" Chad.
We're here for the, uh "eye" test.
Does he need to be here? Do you need to be here? Okay, Hank, let's start with the top line.
If you don't pass this test, I will be shocked.
(BOTH LAUGH) All right then I'm gonna start on the (CLEARS THROAT) top line with that big one right there.
- And it is - (BUZZER SOUNDS) Ooh! Geez.
"A"? Correct.
(QUIETLY): How big is that Pomeranian So, I told my, um, coal miner, uh, foreman that, uh, just because my dad is the emperor, um it doesn't mean that I should get special attention.
Isn't she amazing? Wow.
That is an incredible story.
Margaret, I-I got to say, and-and forgive me if I'm speaking out of turn, but you do not look particularly Japanese.
Walt, I didn't raise you like that.
No, that's fine.
I get it all the time.
Actually, I'm only, uh, half Japanese.
- Yeah.
- Which half? Uh the the bottom half.
Neat.
Well, it seems like lunch has come to a natural conclusion, so, how about we catch that Cowboys game? Well, that's my cue to leave, because I hate football.
It was really nice to meet you, Walt.
- ROBERT: Here you are, sexy.
- MARGARET: Oh! I've been looking everywhere for you.
(LAUGHING): Oh, Robert, this is not a good time.
Uh, oh, maybe later, then.
I'm up until 9:00.
Ah.
Dad, what's going on? Uh yeah, is there something going on between you two? Well, we're-we're trying not to put any labels on it, Sid, you know, except for one uh, "wow.
" This isn't what it looks like, Walt.
Shouldn't you be saying that to my dad? This is not what it looks like, Sid.
The hell it isn't! You two are running around, 'hind my back.
Sid, what are you talking about? I mean, what-what do you care if I go out with Margaret? What-what does he care?! He cares because Margaret's his woman.
(LAUGHS) That-that that's, uh, impossible.
- Why? - Why? Well, because Sid's You say one more word, Robert, and I'll knock your block off! Don't you make me get up on this chair.
We-we really should go, Robert.
And Sid, bye.
We'll always have Tokyo.
Oh, no.
You best go on and git! And don't you ever come back.
You ruined my life.
You ruined it! She'll come crawling back.
They always do.
- (BUZZER SOUNDS) - Ooh! (PANTING) "H"? Okay.
Took a while, but that's right and next? - (BUZZER SOUNDS REPEATEDLY) - Ooh! Oh! Ooh! Ooh! (GROANING) "E.
" Sorry, Hank.
That was actually - (BUZZER SOUNDS) - Oh! I mean "F.
" Are you okay? Why do I keep smelling burnt hair? Seems like the sort of thing a real doctor would know.
Come on, man.
Let's keep going.
Okay.
Just 24 more to go.
And next? - (BUZZER SOUNDING REPEATEDLY) - Ooh! Ooh! Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh! All right, this is too much.
I can't take it, man.
Enough! Is that Pomeranian still alive? We got to go save that dog.
You guys were trying to cheat on the eye exam? (LAUGHS) Well, neither of you will be getting a lollipop.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Can't you just pass me, man? Sorry.
I took an oath.
What if I gave you $200? Works for me.
What about your "precious oath"? I oath the bank 100 grand in student loans.
You're doing the right thing.
You made this stallion very happy.
(SPUTTERS) I am so sorry about what just happened with Margaret, Dad.
Are you okay? Oh, I'm I'm-I'm-I'm fine.
Uh, easy come, easy go.
'Nother day, 'nother ho.
Dad, you don't have to pretend.
You can be honest with me.
I'll be honest with you.
I'm worried about you.
That's why I'm really here.
You never talk about your life.
And are you happy? I I am happy Walt.
Are you really? You just got cheated on.
By the lower-half, half-Japanese woman who's the heir to the Japanese empire.
Well, about all that Um I need to talk to you.
I want to tell you something.
Uh, you don't have to worry about me, 'cause I'm happy.
I'm really happy.
I mean, I think that I would be happier if you could see the real me, because I'm Sorry.
What'd you say? I I'm I'm sorry, Dad.
I'm still not getting it.
(LOUDLY): I am gay.
Thanks for the newsflash, Sid.
(GROANS): Oh! Walt, I, um I've always been gay, and I'm I'm really sorry that I kept it from you, but I like ice dancing and musical theater and making love to men.
I suppose that last one's the main takeaway.
Wow.
My dad is gay.
I have a gay dad.
That explains a lot.
This is awesome.
Oh, I'm happy for you, Pop.
Oh, thank you.
I'm so glad.
I Oh, I'm so relieved.
I should have done this years ago.
But I must say, I was hoping for a little dramatics.
Some-some tears or a slow clap.
Well, it's a little late for that, Walter John.
I'm glad you finally told me.
- I love you, Dad.
- Oh, I love you, son.
Oh, Sid, I broke up with Robert.
You're-you're the one that I really want.
Come back with me to Japan.
It's okay, Margaret.
- I told him the truth - Oh.
and you buttoned your sweater wrong.
Oh.
Huh.
Oops.
So, Robert and I didn't really break up.
I love this.
I feel seen.
You see the real me.
- HANK: I can't see.
- CHARLIE: Brake, Hank! Brake! (HANK WHOOPS) Well, I got my golf cart license back.
You drove into a building, man.
You're a stallion, Hank.
- You guys okay? - Oh, they're fine, Margaret.
Hank, Charlie, I have got some really big news.
Now I have got even bigger news.
Everybody, listen up.
Now, this is very hard for me to say, but I've been living a lie.
And the truth is (clears throat I can't see.
I need glasses.
There, I said it.
I need glasses.
How brave is this guy? Are you friggin' kidding me? Walt, you have been through a lot this weekend.
But, can you handle one more truth bomb? Another one? I actually do not like the Dallas Cowboys.
Whoa! Well, now.
That's gonna take some time to process.
If it makes you feel any better, I like cowboys in general.
I guess that's just gonna have to be enough.
By the way, Dad, I'm loving your real look.
Yeah, you dress just like the guy who runs the bake sale at our church.
(GASPS) Wait a second.
Is he? Oh, honey.
He is.
That's pretty good.