The Crazy Ones s01e04 Episode Script

Wait, you're going on vacation? Why is that so shocking? Well, because you've never done it for as long as I've known you, and last Labor Day, you spent the entire time in the office replenishing the staplers.
It's Labor Day.
Why does nobody ever get that? Okay, truth? My dad's forcing me to take a week off.
He said if I show up at the office, he's authorized security to tase.
There you go.
But I can't hang out tonight.
I'm hanging with a buddy.
You don't have "buddies.
" Nobody has "buddies.
" I have buddies.
I went to college.
I was on the tetherball squad.
So where is it? Where is it that you're going, anyway? Hawaii.
It's this women's group thing.
Women's group? For, you know, busy professionals on the go.
Sweetie, are you excited about your lesbian adventure? - It is a women's adventure group, okay? - Okay.
It's called Victory Tours, and it's been around for a really long time.
Victory Tours.
And their motto again is? "We put the 'V' in adventure.
" They said all orientations welcome.
You'll be very welcome.
You have a good time.
Next stop, Hawaii.
Bring me back some macadamia nuts.
And a plastic lei? I thought your mother was in Europe.
Fine.
But I'm coming straight to work on Saturday from the airport.
With a brand-new Subaru.
Why are you wearing a cardigan? There was a briskness in the air.
Oh, my God, there is no "buddy.
" You're dating her again.
You're back with Nancy Cardigan! Her name is Nancy Norris.
Andrew, I thought we were done with her.
I mean, she's so bossy and controlling and shrill! Well, so are you, and I like you.
And I like cardigans, too.
Woo-woo.
The devil takes such cozy forms.
God, she sounds like the worst.
Yeah, I can't wait to see you either buddy.
I'll pick one up on the way back.
No gluten, no cheese.
Who wants those things junking up our pizza? The worst.
So what are you doing tonight? Uh, I, uh, have a date with, uh, this girl.
- Girl have a name? - They usually do.
Sydney, bon voyage.
Godspeed, cheerio, now get out of here.
You know what? I still have some filing.
Actually, I think I'm just gonna hang back Nope, end of the business day.
Your vacation starts immediately.
You should be doing poi shooters by the pool by now.
- Simon? - Hmm? We just got a call from the burrito people.
They need to move the pitch up to tomorrow morning.
Tomorrow? That wasn't supposed to be - till next week.
- We're not ready.
We don't even have the idea yet.
Look, this is a really big account.
- I'm canceling my trip.
- No, you're not.
I'm the 11th hour guy.
I live for this.
We're cutting to the good part of the movie.
No fall from glory, no montage of me punching a locker full of meat.
It's me leading a group of inner-city kids to spelling bee glory, in a clown nose.
What is this movie? Come on, kids, we can do this in a couple of hours.
You'll still have your nights.
And, Lauren, you can still make your poetry slam.
Why does she get to stay? Poetry slam? I started writing to get over the break-up with my ex, Charlie.
A lot of people don't know this, but you can channel hurt and pain into art.
So true.
Dad, please Sydney, no, go, go.
Enjoy your trip.
Come on now, when have I ever let you down? Oh, look, there's your mom.
Fine, everybody gets to stay and work, and I have to go to Hawaii.
Are you even hearing yourself? This is so unfair.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-oh Oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh Do you know what this is? The most expensive coffee bean in the world.
- Do you know where it comes from? - The break room? Poop.
The civet cat of Indonesia eats these coffee beans.
It then passes into its intestinal tract, where fermentation takes place.
Its essential flavors are condensed kind of a fecal fusion and then the cat poops out the beans and voilà! Pure gold.
Right.
Right, right, right.
So how does this relate to the burrito campaign? I don't have a clue.
I was just hoping you'd make the connection, you know, and Are you giving the "you never know what gem is gonna come from cat poop" speech again? I knew I had a point to this.
What are you doing here? I changed my flight.
I booked a puddle jumper that arrives right on time for the "Exploration of the Flower" seminar.
Are you sure they mean flower flowers? What else would it Oh.
I guess I can miss that one.
I'm okay with you missing that, too.
Besides, it's your vacation.
You should be passed out in a kiddie pool somewhere.
Nope.
It's all good.
You guys have me.
I'm here.
I'll just, uh, sit down, and I'll jump in when I have something.
- Okay.
- Burrito.
- Burri-to.
- Gotcha.
Burrito.
So, Lauren, you getting all these gems? Yep.
Cat poop coffee, Sydney realized her flower is her vagina, Simon doesn't like talking about Sydney's flower-slash-vagina, and burrito, burrito, burrito.
We've got some good stuff there.
Okay, people, time to roll up our sleeves and really dig in.
- Lauren? - Yeah? Time for one of your poems.
Wait right now? We' just getting to work.
This is the work.
Sometimes, honey, the best ideas come from life.
And nothing celebrates life more than poetry.
Except haikus.
They're just lazy and sometimes very stimulating, but please, go on.
"Light" by Anonymous.
I'm Anonymous.
"I tie the rope with a careful touch.
"A simple noose that kills and such.
"The kicks and moans till half past noon.
"It's okay, I say, it's all over soon.
"A timeless love, an affair so bright.
Goodnight, sweet Charlie, head toward the light.
" That inspire anyone? It inspired me to renew my concealed weapons permit.
But we can work with this.
How about this? "Murder your breakfast.
" - Breakfast of death.
- Your last meal.
- Choking the cheese.
- Yes.
- Guac-a-murder.
- Torture-tilla.
I guess it is beneficial to know which road not to go down.
I'm gonna change my flight to Monday.
Honey, sweetie, please.
We've only been at this for 45 minutes.
We're almost there.
We're gonna find this idea in no time.
How about this one? Uh, carne con carnage, huh? Sal-sassinate your appetite.
Sal-sassination.
Finally.
It's been driving me nuts.
It's been two weeks since the power outage.
Six more clocks to go! Dad, no more clocks.
We've need to land on an idea.
Honey, you're gonna miss your flight.
I always try and get there an hour and a half early, especially when I'm keistering hash, but that's just me.
Time to hunker down, people.
We have to get creative from life.
Now, who has a personal memory involving a burrito? - I have one.
- Hmm? Um, well, actually, this this girl Natalie I'm-I'm seeing has a has a funny story about a burrito.
Um, she was six and staying with her Aunt Bunny in Margate.
- Oh, Margate.
- Her parents were splitting up.
Super, super tough summer for her, and, you know But Aunt Bunny, um, took her to a Mexican restaurant for the first time.
And oh! She was so excited that she, uh, she asked for a "boweeto.
" "Boweeto.
" It's I mean, you got to hear her say it, 'cause it's so adorable.
Anyway, that's just a story I heard from this girl Natalie.
I think that's her name.
Whatever.
Oh That's something.
Oh, my God, you were gushing.
You like her.
I do not like her.
You better be in love with her after that pointless story you made us listen to.
Zach, don't lie to us.
Fine.
Yeah, yeah, I like her.
But you think I'm proud of myself? This is sick! I hate what I've become! - Aw - This is beautiful.
This is your first crush.
Sydney's was a homely neighbor boy, but this one this is something I can be proud of.
Zach, tell us more.
Inspire us.
Can we just talk about something What about the Congo? We've all got our problems.
How about the conflict here? - Sydney - We need a campaign! Do you not trust me? Look, I-I know that your process involves art and music and, I don't know, living with monks in Tibet for a month Even with a vow of silence, those guys can be catty bitches.
- But we don't have that kind of time.
- Mm Dad? Sorry, my mind wandered.
I was thinking about my nemesis at the monastery.
Brother Wu.
He said my chanting was pitchy.
It may have been.
- I trust you.
I promise.
- Okay.
Really? And I'm gonna go on my trip, okay? Just let me help out a little more, okay? Give me 20 minutes.
I think I have a super fun way to move things forward.
Not the creativity binder! El binder de los muertos! We should come up with a more universal standard for the word "fun.
" Make all the jokes that you want, but my system, or "Sydstem" You see what I did there? works.
Look, these are tried-and-true methods to help me with my ideas, okay? The first thing that we do is we draw a discovery circle.
- Whoa - Amazing.
What? Your circle it's flawless.
Do it again.
- Come on! - Whoa! Now do it with your eyes closed.
- Draw a hexagon, just for fun.
- She's not human.
It's like a portal into a bland dimension.
As much as I'm enjoying this and trust me, I'm flying right now we need to fill those bad boys with ideas.
See you soon.
You, too.
Sorry.
That was a, uh, buddy.
Oh.
So why'd you say "you, too"? Because we have a fun relationship.
For example, one fun thing we do is end each phone conversation with a trivia question.
Tonight's was "What's your favorite band?" My answer, naturally, was "U2.
" You're wearing a cardigan.
Why? No reason.
No reason at all.
Of course there's a reason! Only insane people and gypsies wear cardigans.
He's back with Nancy Cardigan.
I knew it! Shouldn't you be shaming yourself at a hula class? Excuse me.
Who's Nancy Cardigan? Andrew's on-again, off-again, horribly annoying ex-girlfriend that he swore he would - never get back together with.
- She's not that bad.
She takes the light out of your soul.
And makes you use big words.
That's patently fallacious! She also "doesn't own a TV" as if that's even a thing and then she makes him act like - he doesn't watch Atlanta Housewives.
- Ugh! She sounds like a monster.
Well, I don't watch that show.
It's beneath me.
Oh, suddenly you're too good for Nene and Phaedra and what's her name, the one that twirls? - Kenya.
- Oh! I guess you do watch it, huh? Damn it! Okay, fine.
But you know what? Nancy elevates me as a person.
And besides, you guys don't even know her.
How can you hate someone you don't even know? Don't know Hitler, don't like him.
All right, can we get back to work? Yes.
As soon as you agree to break up with her before she makes you layer your polos again.
It was not a good look.
- Tell me, son - Yeah? What do you really feel about Nancy putting you in this cardigan? Do you like it? Well, I don't It's soft.
I mean, keeps my arms warm, lets my middle breathe - But do you like it? - It's got these tan buttons Do you like it? No! Okay? I hate it! I hate everything about it! I knew there was a reason why the inspiration wasn't coming to us! Your spirit is blocked, and you've blocked us all! Burn it! Wait, Dad, I don't think that's really a good idea.
Oh, no, we have to burn it, honey.
Listen to me.
The creative gods are angry.
They need blood.
They want sweater blood.
In the name of Mr.
Rogers, I command you! - I don't know if this is a good idea.
- Oh, come on now, Andrew.
You've become a slave to wool, and you're trying to pull the wool over our eyes.
And these fibers are as unnatural as this ruse of a relationship.
Burn the demon fiber and set yourself free! Set us all free! Yes! Be gone, demon lint! Don't! Be gone! Oh, yes! We need more water! My binder! Leave the binder! - Andrew, my binder! - Save yourself! - God! - No! They shut the door! - My binder! - Save us! My binder! I can't help but feel a tiny wisp of responsibility for this.
- A tiny wisp? - Mm.
You were literally playing with matches.
- Honey, it's all part of my - Process? What's next, teasing dogs we don't know? Well, to crack an idea, occasionally I have to break a few metaphorical eggs.
You know, sometimes in life, you have to start some fires.
- Sir? - Mm? I'm now legally required to ask you if you're sexually aroused by starting fires.
It depends.
Every fire's different.
- I'm canceling my vacation.
- Mm-hmm.
I mean, clearly, I cannot leave you unsupervised.
Well, this all happened under your supervision.
I wonder if they have a Dalmatian.
I'm not going! Okay, Andrew, you and I are gonna get out of these wet clothes, and then when we get back, we are gonna nail this pitch.
Safe to say nobody will be making their plans tonight.
Maybe it's for the best.
I mean, if I like Natalie, I could love her.
And we all know what that leads to.
Suburban murder/suicide.
Or what-what were you thinking? That Charlie got out in the nick of time.
And how are you totally dry? I learned to take cover under tables during my summer in Juarez.
What about you? Oh, don't even start with me.
I'm soaked.
I must look terrible.
Oh.
"Grab a Can"? From the Pringles campaign.
Yeah, I know where it's from, I just don't like drawing attention to my You'll be fine.
You know, you almost have an ass.
Or a place where your back and your legs meet.
Are you bringing a blazer to the beach? What possible use could you have for that there? Maybe, you know, over a bathing suit or to a luau.
Or while tandem parasailing with Nancy Pelosi? Okay, so maybe I might have this recurring fantasy or something.
Oh.
Well, you could share.
Okay! Um, so I'm in Hawaii.
- I'm listening.
- And there's a tsunami.
- Of course.
- And I'm on the beach, and everyone is washed away.
But then I look up, and there's one half-naked man.
And that's when I realize it's the Dole executive I've been trying to meet.
So I put on my blazer and I give him the pitch of my life.
That's the single stupidest sexual fantasy I've ever heard.
It's a recurring fantasy.
- It's about work.
- So what? - It's incredibly sad.
- So are you.
What's sad about me? You're whipped by a girl who hates gluten - but likes everything else that sucks.
- What? Andrew, she's pretentious.
She says "Budapesht.
" That's the correct pronunciation.
She puts artisanal jam on something called a cronut.
It's a donut-slash-croissant, and it's delicious! The only reason you're criticizing her is because you don't even know her.
It's because I know you.
And-and look at you.
You're smart and handsome and funny and tall, and you're none of those things when you're dating her.
- She makes me less tall? - You know what I mean.
I just don't want you to settle.
What would you have me do instead? Go with your heart, you know? Find someone that loves you for you, who doesn't want to change you.
Wait, what are you doing?! - I was just reading the signs.
- What signs? There were no signs.
I signaled nothing! You signaled.
You were signaling a lot.
You said that I should break up with my girlfriend, you told me a sexual fantasy No, a business fantasy! You said that I was wonderful and that I should follow my heart.
And then you did a little striptease number.
My God! None of that was intentional.
So you weren't? No! You and I are, you know, buddies.
Buddies who don't kiss, who see no need to improve on a donut.
I've destroyed everything.
No! No, you haven't.
It's fine.
You know, we'll just forget it ever happened.
No, no, I'm just gonna have to call HR on myself.
It's gonna be an awkward call.
I'm the HR watchdog for this entire floor.
No, we'll-we'll just forget it.
I mean, distant memory.
Everything is so weird now.
I'm sorry, but I can't stop talking about it.
I can.
Well, I'm one of seven sisters.
We communicate, marinate, we discuss our feelings while we quilt.
Okay, well, I'm from a family of addicts, and we shove things down.
You know, pills, food, feelings, anything we can, so when the EMTs arrive, they're not disappointed.
- Hey.
- What's going on? Why are you dressed for a rousing game of Parcheesi? Where is my father? Well, he left this note.
"It's clear the idea isn't here.
"Went out to find it and grab a bite.
Andrew, you're wrong about Housewives.
It's an allegory for our times.
" Where do you think he went? Oh, I have an uncle who finds people.
Just say the word.
I know where he is.
That makes absolutely no sense.
It makes perfect sense.
This is what he did for a living before he got his start in the ad world.
Whenever he gets really blocked, he comes here to work.
He says putting himself in the middle of life gets his creativity flowing.
Um, can we go inside? My butt says, "Grab a Can," and that right there is a leather bar.
Okay, I got a cat in the hat! I got two tuna melts and a herd of burgers! Steak up, still mooing! Betty, come on! I got shrimp dying in the window here, huh? - Dad.
- Hi, baby.
This help you come up with a campaign? Not yet, but I'm circling it.
"Not your typical breakfast.
" "We do know beans from potatoes.
" "DVR DanceMoms"? Well, you know I like 'em mean and hefty.
I'm sorry.
I didn't find an idea.
Maybe you were right not to trust me.
The next time I ask you, "When have I ever let you down?" remember this date, which you should know anyway, because it's the same date in 1979 that I peed on Andy Warhol's shoe in the ladies' room at Studio 54.
I did not know that.
Okay, people, I'm pulling the plug.
I'd rather no pitch at all than present some half-assed idea.
This is a first.
How can we not come up with anything? So weird.
Maybe there's something in the air.
I'll tell you what's weird.
When Sydney and I were changing in Oh, my God, we're going there? Fine.
We kissed, okay? But he kissed me for, like, a millisecond, and it was not a big deal.
That's funny, because neither of you seem good enough for the other.
That closes the lesbian chapter.
As I was saying, when Sydney and I were changing, we discovered she'd invented the beach blazer.
But thank you for spilling that horribly private moment we were never gonna speak of again.
I should be under a palm tree with ladies wearing chain wallets.
I feel terrible.
I ruined your vacation you never wanted to go on.
And you guys had plans for the night.
Maybe there's a way to make this night not a total loss, still have a little fun.
"The ocean so blue and oh, so deep.
Just three more steps till eternal sleep" And it wasn't so much that we were stranded in Munich, but it's like they expect you to speak German.
So we're at this kiosk, and we're ordering a pretzel, right? I thought was, like, a thing there, you know? I guess it's not.
We had trouble communicating.
So, looks like she's really into you, huh? Yeah, yeah, I never want to see her again.
So maybe she's not "the one.
" But at least you had your first like.
How do I make her stop talking? Marry her.
"Though Charlie ripped out my heart, laying bare a fragile soul.
"Her touch still makes me shiver, her warmth still makes me whole.
" Huh, Charlie's a her.
Maybe Lauren should have taken your vacation.
I don't think we should label her.
She's probably more advanced than us.
Oh, it's Nancy.
Hey, what are you doing up so late? Well, of course your tummy hurts.
You know you can't have cinnamon at this hour.
I'm not jealous.
Uh-huh.
You could have fooled me.
That's the same look you gave April Westerfield in third grade when she held hands with Brice McFadden.
I don't know anyone by those names.
Whoa.
That was Rhonda's daughter.
Ever meet Rhonda? Short hair, Gulf War vet.
We were only married for six days, you know? Doesn't matter, she wasn't "the one.
" All I'm saying is, you know, Andrew, Zach, Lauren They all have lives outside of work.
Don't be afraid to have one, too.
Just hard for me to let go sometimes.
But you got to learn, or else you end up like me at your age, spending all my time at the office, not experiencing life.
I want more for you.
Thanks, Dad.
Right.
I don't even know what happened with Andrew.
It just Am I a cheat? Say that again.
Am I a cheat? Whoa.
Wait, why do you have that look? 'Cause I think my half-assed idea just went whole.
Bless you.
You've been good all week.
You deserve a splurge.
So forget the fiber and do what you really want to do.
Cheat on your breakfast.
Ah, yes! You killed it, boss.
Adultery and breakfast together at last.
Client's gonna be here in, like, a half an hour.
Maybe we should squeegee the conference room.
Yeah, I'm gonna go see if my clothes are dried.
This looks a little intimidating.
You know, I have to admit, last night was - kind of fun.
- Right? - And technically, I was your muse.
- You were.
- The messier my life - The better the idea.
- Let's never do it that way again.
- Agreed.
Uh, still a little dank.
You gonna call me as soon as you get back? Will do buddy.
And don't be offended, but I, uh, feel compelled to, uh, grab your can.
I am not a toy! Do it again! Give me a chance to clench! This fun guy, and caliente guy Boom-boom! Come on, con carne, con carnage Boom! What about you? Back up! Back up! Back up! Back up! Yeah! Rice and beans! Ah! Burrito in the hole! Yeah! Bagel.
Bagel.
What, just bagel? What about you? Oh, don't even start with me.
I'm soaking wet.