The Crew (2021) s01e04 Episode Script

I cannot tell you
how disappointed I am in this team.
Chuck, hand me my eye drops.
I'm dryin' out here.
We talked about this.
Hand me everything
until the patch comes off, okay?
I'm workin' with one eye, Chuck. One eye!
Okay, I never thought
one of you would betray me,
so imagine my surprise
when I found out who it was.
[dramatic music plays]
[tools whirring]
[engine revs]
- 12.47.
- Yeah, great stop, guys.
- Wow. That was really fast.
- Yeah. That's how we do.
Did we do everything? That was fast.
[mutters]
I think that was the last pit.
- We're gonna make top ten.
- [Chuck and Kevin groan]
- What are you doin'?
- What?
You guys have some stupid superstition?
- It's not superstition. It's science!
- Oh, you really kicked us in the jimmies.
It's not too late. Cut your hair.
I just spent two years growing out
breakup bangs. No one touches my hair.
Just cut a piece! You gotta cut a piece.
This is unbelievable.
What? No
- Wait. Wait. Where's the vibration?
- How bad is it?
Wait, wait, wait. What's going on?
Jake's car
is supposed to be attached to that.
Science wins again. [sighs]
"Nobody touches my hair."
[quietly] So selfish.
[theme music playing]
Morning, guys.
Hey. Why doesn't he have to wear
the new uniform?
Maybe he couldn't undo the button
and get the shirt over his head.
How do I put this delicately?
Uh, I'm the driver,
so I'm more important than you guys.
[chuckles] That is funny.
That's what the last driver said
before I fired him.
- I'll take a men's medium.
- Yeah. I think
If rock-hard abs
make anyone uncomfortable, look away.
- Jake, what are you doing?
- Uh, crunches, mostly.
Um, I try to eat right.
Okay. Good morning.
Uh, everybody gather round.
You're all looking good in your new unis.
After yesterday's race,
we're back down to 27th in the standings,
but, on the bright side,
the wheel finished fourth,
so… good job, wheel.
Pretty cool seeing that flaming wheel
hop into the infield. Huh?
[chuckles] Looked like a shooting star.
I wanted to make a wish.
You know what that wish would be?
That wish would've been,
"I wish we had four wheels."
Well, on to more positive news.
Fake Steak is thrilled with the reaction
they're getting from Jake's commercial.
- [all murmur]
- Come on. Lay one on us, Jakey.
- I don't know.
- [Chuck] Come on, Jake.
Do your thing.
Yep.
- [Beth laughs]
- [all cheer]
I have a few other new, exciting upgrades
that I made around the office.
Starting today,
we are replacing all of our junk food
with healthier options.
Huh. A tire fell off our car,
and donuts are our problem.
Well, you haven't tried the new stuff.
It's delicious.
[Kevin] Yeah. I'm sure
there's a perfectly good reason
Catherine's making us eat, uh
Ooh. Seaweed strips? [chuckles]
That was a bad pull.
Uh… Ooh. Kale chips?
Boy, it just gets worse from there.
There's not a good one in the bunch.
Actually, studies have shown
that eating healthier
dramatically increases productivity.
Yeah. I read that in Bore Fest Magazine.
I know change can be hard,
so to sweeten the pot,
I've instituted
a new Employee of the Month program.
Okay, so to motivate the team,
you made yourself Employee of the Month?
Congratulations, Catherine. That's huge!
You haven't even been here a month.
No, no.
I just put my picture in as an example.
If I were eligible,
I would just glue this in here.
Yeah. I'm sure
people will be just as impressed
with my Employee of the Month plaque
as they are with my two Purple Hearts.
I thought it was one.
Did you fight another war
over the weekend?
I fight that war every night, Kevin.
All right,
I see you're not motivated by pride,
so how about I throw in
a cash bonus of… $1,000.
- [Jake] Oh, yeah!
- Yes. I can finally get my gutters fixed.
Please tell me that's code for something.
[chuckles] Nope.
Do you realize how sad that sounds?
- I do now.
- [Kevin] Yeah.
You got a second?
I know what you're gonna say. And, yes.
If you make me Employee of the Month,
I will wet your beak.
What does that even mean?
That means if you give me $1,000,
I will kick you back $300.
Five hundred.
Congratulations.
That was a test, and you passed.
So what are we gonna do about Ed?
We can't keep a guy
who forgets to put a tire on.
[sighs]
He didn't forget to put it on, all right?
He… forgot to attach it to the car.
I'm way ahead of you.
I was already planning on firing the guy.
I'm just thinking about
the best way to do it.
Crazy thought. Um, just walk up to him
and say he's fired.
I find it helps if you bite the inside
of your mouth so you don't smile.
Okay, here's the thing.
I hired Ed because he's very strong
and he can throw around
heavy things really fast.
I'm a heavy thing.
[rock music playing]
Hey, Ed.
This where you, uh… eat lunch? Whoa.
What you got going on there?
Uh, this is Waldo.
He's a little sad today.
Pepper didn't come home last night.
Yeah. I, uh,
think I might have seen Pepper
on the side of the road, "sleeping."
You know what I'm saying?
Listen, I wanted to talk to you
about what happened on Sunday.
That was totally on me.
Yeah, well,
you know what's gotta happen now, right?
Yep.
I'm gonna finish lunch,
get back in there, and be better.
Hmm, that's not what I'm sayin'.
I'm sayin',
I think your future's less in there
and it's… it's… it's more out there,
kind of with… with Pepper.
[chuckles] Well, that's the dream.
Let me be very clear,
but not in a way that angers you.
- It's time to leave Bobby Spencer Racing.
- What?
Catherine was very adamant,
and if you're upset about it
and wanna take it out on something,
that's her car.
It's the red one. Go crazy.
- I just want us to be cool. You know?
- Yeah, we're good.
- [Kevin] Okay.
- Okay?
I'll pack up my stuff
and get outta here, man.
Okay. How about a fist bump
on the non-porcupine-saliva hand?
- They're both saliva hands. Bring it in.
- Okay. In I go.
That's rabies on the jacket.
[on speaker] Hi. You've reached
the voicemail of Catherine Spencer,
president and CEO of Bobby Spencer Racing.
But enough about me.
Tell me about you. After the beep.
[line beeps]
Hey. I just wanted to let you know
I, uh, handled the Ed situation.
Uh, I was kind but firm.
Just like I am with the ladies.
I was just joking there. Um…
Not how I am with ladies.
I'm always kind with them.
You know, it's, uh
Ugh. Not that I need
to let you know how I treat ladies.
It's not like I'm hitting on you.
Not that there's anything
wrong with you. Uh…
You seem like
a perfectly serviceable woman.
Anyway, uh, Kevin said he fired Ed.
This is Amir. Goodbye.
Kevin, we have got to do something
about Catherine.
Hey. Shh. I don't want her to know
we're talking about her, okay?
Now she's definitely gonna know.
People close blinds all the time.
Why'd you close the blinds?
Who are you talking about?
Catherine.
Ugh! There's literally
nothing to eat out there.
I've been licking Advil
for the sugar coating.
And am I the only one
who's concerned about the security cameras
she put everywhere?
I don't need the government
watching everything I do.
I'm sure the CIA
wants to watch you trim your toenails
by the loading dock.
- Yeah, we see you.
- Okay. Okay.
I forgot. Are blinds closed
"don't come in" or "do come in"?
I got it wrong once with my parents.
Come on. Come on in. Come in.
We're complaining about Catherine.
[sighs] I know. Right?
These shirts are the worst.
I don't care about the shirts.
I just miss Bobby.
He'd visit my desk, ask how I was doing.
He'd bring me cannolis on my birthday.
He'd always ask me
if I wanted to go golfing.
I'd remind him I don't golf. [laughs]
Oh, we would laugh.
The bottom line is, I used to look forward
to coming to work and seeing Bobby.
Now I just hope
I don't run into Catherine.
You're the boss, Kevin.
You gotta fix this.
Okay, listen.
She's the worst, okay? But what can we do?
I tried to quit last week.
There's nothing out there. [sighs]
We just gotta make the best of it,
all right?
Think of this as war, all right?
Our best odds of getting home
in one piece is to stick together.
Actually, your best odds
are to shoot yourself in the calf
and scream for a medic.
So, just to be clear,
you've earned no Purple Hearts.
Jake, did you notice the front end
tightened up more when we put more wedge
- Is that a real donut?
- Uh-huh. There's a whole box. Grab one.
No, no, no. Catherine said
she doesn't want us to eat this.
This could be a trap.
Oh, cannolis?
Nope.
Nope.
- Uh-uh.
- What are you doing?
Checking for jelly.
Money. [smacks lips]
Why don't you do what the rest of us do?
Guess, and when you're wrong,
choke down something you hate.
Just keep pushing it down.
Bite after bite.
And hope it gets better.
But why should it? Nothing's gonna change.
You know, if you ever decide to go off,
you'll tell ol' Chuck first, right?
Morning.
- Oh! You all right?
- What happened?
Yeah. No, no, I'm fine.
Everybody's fine, thanks to me.
[sighs]
Neighbor's cat got stuck up in a tree.
Way up there. It was crying.
And I saw this white-tailed hawk
just circling, so I
I said, "Know what? Not today, hawk."
And I just shimmied up there.
What, what? Hold on, Kevin.
Since when do you shimmy up anything?
When a cat is in danger
and my adrenaline is flowin', okay?
I can shimmy whenever I want.
The point is, the hawk came at me.
I went to throw a palm strike to it.
It dodged the palm strike,
got in close, tried to peck me.
I grabbed it,
whipping it around, feathers everywhere.
Threw it out.
On the way down, talon, right to the eye.
You punched a hawk and then got donuts?
You're like a cop but in the sky.
I didn't get donuts.
If you didn't get 'em, then who did?
Oh, no. This is a trap.
Morning.
Oh, no.
Yeah, I'm okay. Don't worry about it.
It's the hawk
who's in trouble. Big trouble.
Featherless hawk,
floating around somewhere now.
Amir! Try a cannoli.
Yeah, Amir. Try a cannoli.
[muffled] Thank you.
I thought
you didn't want us eating anything good?
Ah, I reconsidered.
I do have a fun side, you know.
- I can see by the way you're telling us.
- Hey. Sorry I'm late. I had a morning.
- And so did you.
- Yeah.
Kevin's pretending
he saw a white-tailed hawk
1,000 miles from its natural habitat.
Work on your lies, Kevin.
I'm sorry I'm not in my shirt.
I spilled coffee on my uniform,
and this was the only clean thing
in my car.
My grandma bought it for me
for our bingo Tuesdays.
And before you make any jokes, she's dead.
Relax. I love that.
On weekends, you'll often find me wearing
my "Rosé All Day" shirt. [chuckles]
[chuckling] Oh, cut loose.
Besides, I've been thinking,
we're all in uniform
when we're at the track.
Nothing wrong with showing personality
around the office.
Question. Uh, is shirtless a personality?
If it was, I'd be life of the party.
[shaver buzzing]
Hey. Did you notice how Catherine
brought in donuts this morning?
Oh, boy.
We have officially run out
of interesting things to talk about.
No, no, no. Hear me out.
The other day, everybody's bitching
about all the changes,
and today, what? She's undoing them?
'Cause I'm okay if we just sit here
and cut each other's hair in silence.
Like… like… like the cannolis.
Amir mentioned those in private.
How did she know about those?
- Uh…
- Well, you're done.
Huh. That is a little weird.
Then you didn't talk to her?
No. Which means somebody in that room did.
Huh.
And after you told all of us
that we had to stick together?
I… I don't know, Kevin.
Maybe someone did it
to become Employee of the Month.
Get that 1,000 bucks.
That is a solid motive.
I've done more for less.
- Could be any one of them too.
- [shaver buzzing]
- I mean, Amir's weak.
- [Chuck] Mm.
Catherine would crack him open
like a pistachio.
Yeah, and you could trick Jake
with a ball of string.
And Beth, Beth's a woman,
and Catherine's a woman.
- [Chuck] Mm-hmm.
- Know what I'm saying?
- Woman and woman. Oh! Here she comes.
- Yeah.
Uh… they would go to the House,
and they would vote on it,
and then it goes to the Senate
- You don't want it vetoed
- Right.
- Hey, Catherine. How you doing?
- Oh.
Cutting your hair by the food.
I am cool with that.
Hey, Kevin. While I've got you,
remember how you fired Ed yesterday?
Yeah. Ugly part of the job,
but sometimes you gotta drop the hammer.
That's why I'm… I'm the arm of justice.
Who's that carrying the tire?
[quietly] That would be Ed.
All right. I'll finish you up later.
Go get 'em, hammer.
[rock music playing]
Ed, could I, uh, talk to you for a second?
What's up, boss?
Sweet patch. I had one once.
Oh.
- How'd you get injured?
- That's a little personal.
I'm kinda surprised to see you here.
You remember when
you were gonna pack up everything
and you said you were headin' home?
Yeah. I… That day off was good for me.
Gave me a chance to get my mind right.
Right, yeah.
Look, look. This is on me, but I think
your days as a tire changer are over.
What do you mean?
Well, maybe it's time for a new challenge.
Is there something else
you've always wanted to do?
I wanted to draw Garfield,
but turns out they got a guy.
Okay. Well, until that guy dies,
any other career goals?
[sighs] Well, I've always wanted to be
a pit chief. Like Jerry.
Well, there you go.
And I think you would be great at it.
But I think we can both understand
that you're not
a tire changer here anymore.
I'm not?
No. And that's comin'
straight from the boss, Catherine.
That's her office right there, by the way.
[scoffs] All right, Kevin. Uh, thanks.
I appreciate the push.
You got it. All right.
Much love.
Jerry.
Got some bad news for you.
Kevin just promoted me. You're out.
[engine idling]
Ah, nice work, Chuck.
Ah. That's what I do.
You know an engine's runnin' smooth
when it makes your fillings rattle.
I fixed the engine.
- Amir, don't do it, man. You look petty.
- No.
This always happens.
Would it kill you to once say, "Great job.
You should be Employee of the Month"?
- You hear that, Chuck?
- [Chuck] Mm-hmm.
- He wants to be Employee of the Month.
- Interesting.
So you're hurtin' for cash.
I hit eBay on Ambien last night.
There's a good chance
I bought Pat Sajak's sweater.
I don't know if he wore it or signed it,
but it's coming Thursday after 3:00.
By the way,
I might have to leave early Thursday.
Uh, I have a doctor's appointment.
Okay.
Hey, what is this?
Catherine said we could wear what we want.
You look like a four-year-old
in a pumpkin patch.
Trust me,
urban rural is the next big thing.
Six months, you'll all be wearing these.
So you really hated wearing
that uniform, huh?
You would have done anything
to get out of it.
- Ah! Here are my favorite people.
- Where?
Oh, us?
You're so funny, Amir.
Mm, he's really not.
- [gasps] Wow.
- Too much?
Maybe not enough.
- Uh… love it.
- Thank you.
Oh! And happy belated birthday, Amir.
I was looking in your file
and noticed you're a fellow Taurus.
Two bulls. Hope we don't lock horns.
[chuckles]
Oh, I don't believe in astrology.
We Tauruses are very skeptical.
Oh, and I couldn't find
your personnel file.
Uh, and you won't find my photo either.
- There was a fire.
- When?
Right after your dad
made a personnel file for Chuck.
Message received.
I'll let you all get back to your jobs.
And you're coming up September 7th.
I was thinking ice cream cake and karaoke.
What do you say, Kev?
How's your J.Lo and Ja Rule?
I… I never named them,
but since I switched
to boxers, they're fine, I guess.
- What?
- What did you say?
All right, I'm gonna go process this.
Literally everything
we talked about, she knew.
The food, the uniforms,
the fact that she's not fun,
that she didn't know our birthdays.
So, what?
She knows what we think about her.
I mean, maybe it's a good thing.
Okay, that's not the point.
Someone in our inner circle
is feeding her information.
- Who?
- I can't figure it out.
And it's killin' me
that it's any one of them.
I mean, Jake is like a son to me.
Chuck is like a brother.
Amir is like that guy who marries
into your family, and you're like,
"Well, I guess
he'll probably be nice to her."
We're a family.
I gotta know who I can trust.
Who am I in this family?
You're the mom.
I'm your mom?
No. I'm the dad.
- So we're married?
- No. I don't know.
My first wife died
in a farming accident, and… [sighs]
…I needed someone to raise the kids,
and I met you at church.
I felt bad for you
'cause all you had was the piano.
- Saw the blinds. What's going on?
- Look, we got a problem.
Is Ryan Blaney wearing overalls?
'Cause I did it first!
No. He's still dressed like a man.
Listen, what we say in here is sacred.
Now, I know one of you is talking
to Catherine, okay?
Now, I'm not mad.
But just understand this.
I can forgive you, we're friends,
but you need to admit it
so we can move on.
[sighs] I'm gonna respect
whoever steps forward,
I promise.
Really.
Kevin, maybe all of the stuff
that she's done is just a coincidence.
Oh, Beth, Beth,
Beth, Beth, Beth, Beth, Beth.
How is the weather in Simpletown?
I don't know. I only go to visit you.
Oh, listen to me.
This is not a joke, all right?
She knew about Amir's birthday.
- Nobody cares about Amir's birthday.
- I don't even care about it.
If you don't fess up,
we'll do it the hard way.
Amir, can you get into security footage?
I didn't set it up.
I don't have the password.
I'm in. It was "password."
Look for anything suspicious.
Anybody talking to Catherine.
Okay. End of the day, everyone's leaving.
Wait. Hold up. Beth went back in.
This is stupid. Turning on each other,
it's not gonna help.
No, no. You lost your chance to talk.
And to think, I was gonna let you raise
my imaginary children.
I didn't talk to Catherine.
- Then what did you do?
- I wanted a yogurt.
Is that a crime?
And a banana.
[Chuck] Four rolls of paper towels?
- You just took all the string cheese.
- It was expiring the next day.
[chuckles] You're welcome.
I don't have time to shop.
I've been doing it for years.
It's built into the budget.
Okay. Hold on.
Chuck's leaving Catherine's office
wearing a bathrobe?
- I trusted you.
- Dude!
Put that away.
My house is gettin' work done.
I've been staying here.
The hardest part
is hiding from Beth when she's shopping.
Why take a shower in her office?
There's a shower at the gym.
Hers is handheld,
so I can get my undercarriage.
Man Just keep going.
I can't believe that any of you
would think that I'm a narc.
Okay. Oh! Kevin's doing something weird.
That's not weird. I'm taking out
the recycling. Keep moving forward.
You don't recycle. You always throw it
in the regular trash and say,
"You don't have kids,
it's not your problem."
Yeah. And if my dirty little secrets
are getting spilled,
I wanna know what he's doing.
[Beth] Are those porcupines?
[Kevin] I was worried about Waldo
and Pepper after I fired Ed. Okay?
[Chuck] Mm-hmm.
[Kevin] All right, turn it off.
Turn it off.
Okay. We don't need to watch this.
Turn it off.
A white-tailed hawk in Charlotte.
You should be ashamed of yourself!
It may not be on the tape,
but I know one of you
is talking to Catherine. Who?
Come on, Amir. You know it was you.
It wasn't me.
Lying gives me hives,
and I have a normal amount right now.
What about the guy who was so eager
to get out of his uniform
so he could dress up like an extra
from a Kid Rock video?
Jake, you have something
you wanna share with us?
I'm not 100% sure
what we're talking about.
One of you is a traitor.
Why does it have to be one of us?
Why couldn't it be you?
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
No, don't apologize. He's right.
Maybe you're accusing us
so none of us think it's you.
You picked a real bad time
to get smart, Jake.
Yeah. I'm with him.
I bet you staged that little run-in
with the porcupines
to throw us off the scent.
And I don't think
there's anything wrong with your house.
- What do you think about that?
- How dare you!
- [all shouting]
- [Beth] Stop it! Enough!
- Enough! Enough!
- I love string cheese!
What? We are turning on each other
for no good reason. We are friends.
Who cares if someone
accidentally said something
in conversation to Catherine?
So, you're admitting it!
No. You are unbelievable!
I am not doing this!
Can I leave too?
What? You wanna run out, tell Catherine
about the conversation we just had?
[whimpering] Okay. Full-blown hives.
Oh! He said he gets hives when he's lying.
I lied. Everything gives me hives!
[rock music playing]
- We need to talk.
- Yes, we do.
I think someone's using my shower
and they are ripping through my body wash.
That is weird.
Anyway, I wanna tell you a little story.
Okay. But don't be offended
if you see me texting.
It's just me telling a friend,
"Wow. I am hearing the best story."
When I was 12,
I read my older sister's diary,
and I found out
she was smoking cigarettes.
I didn't know what to do.
Should I tell on her and lose her trust,
or should I stay loyal to my sister?
So worried about it.
Wish I'd never read the stupid thing
in the first place.
I told on her.
My parents gave me a bike.
But… our relationship was never the same.
I am so glad you shared that with me.
Thank you for stopping by.
My point is,
if someone's trying to suck up to you
by spilling dirt on the rest of us,
it's not good for morale.
No one's trying to suck up.
We know someone told you
all of our complaints.
So, you're all angry that I gave you back
the stuff that you were mad I took away?
Yes.
So, if you just tell me who,
I can restore order back to the garage.
I haven't talked to anyone.
[sighs] Then how do you know what we said?
Chuck, hand me my eye drops.
I'm dryin' out here.
We talked about this.
Hand me everything
until the patch comes off, okay?
I'm workin' with one eye, Chuck. One eye!
Okay, I never thought
one of you would betray me,
so imagine my surprise
when I found out who it was.
All of you.
I did not see that coming.
I am alone on an island,
and I don't even have a volleyball
to talk to.
I don't care if you're innocent.
You're all guilty
because you're covering up for someone.
You're all dead to me.
Oh, Beth and Catherine, how convenient.
Forget everything I said. It was Beth.
Actually, Kevin, I know who the mole is.
This was on my voicemail yesterday.
[Kevin on phone] …you seem
like a perfectly serviceable woman.
Anyway, uh, Kevin said he fired Ed.
This is Amir. Goodbye.
[Chuck] Kevin, we have got to do something
about Catherine.
[Kevin] Hey. Shh. I don't want her to know
we're talking about her, okay?
The message goes on for 13 minutes.
Because you probably hit
the wrong button to hang up.
Oh, yeah. They're very close together.
I see that right there.
Okay. Well, mystery solved.
Glad we fixed that,
and Beth, if you could label
my phone buttons a little better,
we'll be okay for the future.
Let's get back to work. What do you say?
You put us through hell.
I think I got diabetes
from those cannolis.
You accused a military hero
of being a liar.
- Wait, what has been going on down here?
- I'll tell you what.
Chuck's been using your shower.
- And Beth's a dirty grocery thief.
- What?
Yeah. And just because I hit my eye
on a forklift
doesn't mean
I didn't battle a freakin' hawk.
Palm strike!
[rock music playing]
I want to apologize.
Once I realized what was on the voicemail,
I shouldn't have kept listening.
It's like reading your sister's diary
just to get a new bike.
Oh, Beth loves tellin' that story.
You know she's the smoker in there, right?
Eh,
I wasn't really paying attention. [sighs]
I… I just don't understand
why everyone loved my dad and hates me.
[sighs] Nobody hates you.
Well, there's
a 13-minute voicemail that says otherwise.
We don't hate you.
We hate all you do and the way you do it.
That's all.
Other than that, you're golden.
All right. Good talk. Thanks.
Look, you're new here, okay?
I mean, we have a history with your dad.
When he would hire somebody,
he would trust them to do their jobs.
Yeah. Well, that's a two-way street.
If my dad had an idea,
I bet you wouldn't have said,
"Well, that's impossible,
and that's not the way
we do things around here."
And, "I won a race
30 years ago at Talladega."
Okay.
I'm not sure who that's an impression of.
And it was Darlington.
Look, you're just moving too fast.
That's it. You went from donuts
to kale chips in one day.
Yeah.
I hear you.
And I know you're great at your job.
And I know I should trust you more and
Why is Ed telling the rest
of the pit crew what to do?
You gotta be kidding me.
I'll take care of it.
Look, if anything happens to me,
just give everything to Chuck. All right?
And… throw $1,000
to Beth to let her fix her gutters.
- Kevin?
- Yeah.
I really am fun.
I'm sure you are.
I should have been very clear
from the start.
You're a great guy, but you're fired.
All right? You're not on the pit crew.
You're not the pit chief.
You don't work here in any capacity.
If you need to hit me,
just do it from this side
so I don't see it coming. Okay?
Now I know how Jerry felt
when I had to fire him.
Do you know where he went?
We need him back here by Friday.
All right, Kevin. Thanks for,
you know, being straight with me.
I'm gonna try to grow from this.
Okay.
We realize it's not gonna be here, right?
You don't have to tell me twice.
Actually, I told you three times.
[Ed] I don't need this job.
Whole world of opportunity out there.
[Kevin] Ed! Ed!
- [porcupine chitters]
- Porcupine, I will palm strike you!
[thuds loudly]
[weakly] Son of a bitch.
My good eye.
[theme music playing]