The Critic s01e04 Episode Script

1 Hello.
Jay, this is your sister.
You got a lot of laughs on the tonight show last night.
Um, did you mean to have your fly open the whole time? It stinks! Wakey, wakey, eggs and bakey, New York! It's the first day of spring, the season of romance.
So cuddle up tight with the one you love most.
Oh, you're still here.
Speaking of love, this one goes out to Jay, from your ex-wife ardeth.
She'll never forget how you spent your honeymoon.
Oh, that's sweet.
She still remembers the good times.
Now, Jay, your wife ardeth said, "you have the sex appeal of" A dead mackerel.
We won! We won! Ugh.
Jay, ardeth wants you to know she's bought a billboard outside your window.
Yo, taxi! Hey, taxi! Hey, get out of here, it's mine.
Forget about it, pus face.
My God! You're stunning.
No.
You are.
Share my cab and my life.
What do you think you're doing? Is called driving, you pig-eyed smell stick! My God! You're stunning.
Marry me and make me a citizen.
Uh, we have a problem here.
Is this seat taken? No, go right ahead.
Ah! Oh, thank you.
My pleasure.
Yo, sal! I, uh "Dear Jay, I think you're the sexiest man alive.
" Ha! Well! "I'm currently a resident of the New York men's correctional institution.
" A phone-sex line? Ah, those are for losers.
Hello.
What's this? "1-900-1-p.
H.
D.
-Girls.
" Ha-ho! Now that's uplifting.
- How do I love thee? - Let me count the ways.
If you'd like to be loved as the flower loves the rain, press one.
If you'd like to be loved by 3 women in a tub of jell-o, press 2.
Yeesh! Well, if they got rid of the women, mmm.
Excuse me.
That's ok.
I wonder if this is it.
The chance encounter I've always dreamed of? I wonder if he knows I'm really a man.
There's the greatest woman in New York.
You know, when you really look at her, she's pretty hot.
Jay, I'm more than just a symbol.
I'm a 151-foot woman with needs.
Oh, sweet liberty.
Ahem.
Mom, dad, I've decided to come home because I'm feeling so unloved.
Oh, my God! Maybe you should have knocked first.
Well, who who knew you still I'm as shocked as you are.
Blink? More like stink.
Ah, my favorite critic.
Ahem, this time we really need something quotable for our ads.
How's this? This movie is so good, it makes h.
U.
D.
Look like c.
H.
U.
D.
, and I loved c.
H.
U.
D.
I love it.
You haven't even seen the movie yet.
I'm going to report you to the national film critics association.
Uh-huh? They're over there at the free buffet.
Uh, excuse me, folks.
This buffet is just for Roger ebert.
I'd like to sleep with your wife, and I'm prepared to pay $6.
Last time, you paid us $1 million.
I know.
At the time, i was worth $1,000,006.
Well, then, uh, what can I get for $5? Government cheese.
Thank you and good night.
Excuse me.
Hello? Oh, hiya.
You must be the projectionist.
I'm Jay sher man.
Oh, nice to meet you.
Well, now I'm about to take off my shirt.
A feeling of mild nausea is normal.
Doris, I'm about to do something very unprofessional.
I'm about to review a movie I didn't even see.
Why not? Someone fell in love with me and couldn't wait.
You? Oh, my poor lung.
You know, there are certain women who find my offbeat good looks very attractive.
And this is one of our monsters from terror time theater.
It takes 5 hours to apply all that makeup.
Idiots.
Hello, I'm Jay sherman, and this is coming attractions.
Tonight I'll be reviewing the latest Tim Burton movie, Edward plungerhands.
Please shoot me.
But first, let's start with a film I saw just today, indecent proposal ii.
Well, I didn't see all of it.
For one glorious minute, I was doing the horizontal bop.
Oh, there goes my appetite.
Would somebody please change the channel? Hello, I'm William shatner, and this is celebrity autopsy.
Oh, that's better.
Sweetheart, have you seen Timmy, Becky, and Alex? You're going to be really mad at me.
Oh, no! What did you do this time? Honey, i laminated the kids.
I wanted to look my best for you, so this morning, I put on my tiger briefs and did a sit-up.
Mmm.
Is Jeremy hawke in there? I'm supposed to have lunch with him.
Yes, but I can't let you in.
Look, I'm a powerful film critic, and you're a lowly security guard.
But if you treat people like me right, next year, you could be head of this studio.
No.
Last year, I was head of the studio.
12-picture deal with shelley long seemed like a good idea.
Smith and Wesson rescue scene, take 3.
Prepare to die, Wesson.
Not one more step, Smith, or I'll chop your friend into cop salad! Hold the cop salad.
I'm making kill slaw! Ahhh! Yoo-hoo! Anyone here seen Jeremy? Oh, it's you.
That unconvincing character actor that always plays the killer.
What do you know about acting, man? Go ahead, I know it's a prop knife.
Die, critic, die! Keep it up.
It tickles.
Don't! Don't! It was the weirdest thing.
She just kept staring at me from the projection booth.
Can I have your pickle? Sure.
They give me gas.
Me, too! Mmm.
The whole thing is so thrilling.
The platter of film going around, the danger of knowing Leonard maltin could walk in at any moment.
Sounds fantastic.
It is.
But just once I I wish she would talk to me.
Jay, bubeleh.
What relationship with a woman has ever been enhanced by having a conversation? Hey, you don't understand.
We Americans aren't like you Australians.
It's not just about sex.
We want to make love to our mothers.
Mmm.
Wait.
For once, we're gonna have a conversation.
What are your hopes? What are your dreams? Oh, no.
You have a weird voice.
I knew it was too good to be true.
No, I just had a gummi bear stuck in my throat.
Thank God.
I thought you were some kind of freaky alien chick.
Not that I still wouldn't go out with you.
You want to go out with me? Oh, look, I'm a lonely guy.
You're a lonely woman.
Maybe this could grow into something meaningful.
I don't know.
Whenever I get into a relationship with a man, they tend to get dominating and overcritical.
I can see your point, although I wouldn't have used "overcritical," and I think your delivery was wooden and unconvincing.
Maybe you should go.
What no! I I don't want to lose this chance.
Look, you're all I think about all week.
I can't get those beautiful eyes out of my mind.
Please, go out with me.
All right.
Why don't you come over to my place? We'll have some wine, cuddle by the fire, and watch love story.
Make it cookies, the refrigerator, and eraserhead, and you've got a deal.
Bonsoir, madame.
Flowers.
Half a box of chocolates.
Hmm.
You seem to have a psychotic obsession with me.
I like that in a woman.
I'm your biggest fan.
Wow! You even have the Jay sherman videotape rewinder.
Ahem! And that's not all.
Surprise! From when your book came out.
I hooked it up to my clapper.
Buy my book! Buy my book! Buy my book! Buy my Bo yeah, they pulled them out of bookstores after a brentano's manager shot himself.
How about some wine? Fabulous! Well, here's to my number one fan.
PassingOut.
WineDrugged.
No time forHors d'oeuvres.
Well, maybe just one.
Hello, Jay.
Why are you doing this to me? I like every movie that comes out.
People laugh at me and think I'm stupid.
Now I have you to tell me what's good and what's bad.
Well, here's a clue for you.
Tying me up is bad.
Untying me would be good.
You're funny.
We'll be right back.
What happened? You've been out for 4 days.
4 days! Nobody does this to me! I'm Jay sherman the What happened? Well, you've been out 5 more days.
5 days? You'll pay for this! You'll curse the day you crossed Jay sher What happened? 4 more days, Jay.
4 days? You can't ha! Oh, how time flies when you're having fun.
Hello, Mr.
hawke.
Gee, I never realized you were so short.
Oh, blast! Excuse me.
I'm here about Jay.
He's been missing for more than 10 days.
Our family's worried sick, and we don't know what to do.
Will you help me find him? Margo, when my first movie kegger party at hanging rock came out, only your brother gave it a good review.
Let's go.
Broke a heel.
This is the day I start killing you.
Start? The way I do it, it takes 16 days.
This is step one.
I'm gonna give you a stupid haircut.
No! I'm stopping at the store after work, is there anything special you want? A hat.
I liked you better when we just had sex.
Did Jay have any enemies? Let's see, uh, rob lowe, Steven seagal, Dr.
haing s.
Ngor If you ask me, he should've gone to the "acting fields.
" I'm sorry, Mr.
hawke, we got nothing to go on.
You've been in a lot of cop movies, but this isn't Hollywood.
It's real life.
Now I'm asking the questions, cop! Ugh! File him under "g," for garbage.
Help me! Somebody, please! Help me! Did you say something? You can hear me? Oh, thank God! Well, bless my soul.
One of my cats has learnt to talk.
I knew if I lived 85 years, something interesting would happen.
I'm not a cat, I'm a film critic.
Well, now, that's no job for a talking cat.
Lady, don't take this the wrong way, but you're nuts.
Oh, you sound just like the toaster.
So, you see, looking back, I think the other kids always picked me last for sports because I was smarter than them, not because of my unpredictable bladder.
What do you think, Esther? You talk too much, talking cat! Ladies and gentlemen, of the press, today, I'm not here to talk about my movies or my work as spokesman for save the dingo.
I'm here because film critic Jay sherman has been missing for more than 10 days and we have no leads.
Any questions? Is it true you fired the caterer on your movie for bringing you the wrong kind of biscuit? Hey! My lawyer has instructed me not to answer any questions relating to tea biscuits, scones, or figgy pudding.
Besides, we're here to talk about Jay sherman.
If Jay sherman was the wrong kind of biscuit, would you fire the man who served him to you? Well, that's better.
I wait a minute! If you're not gonna listen to me, maybe you'll listen to Jay's parents.
Please, Mrs.
sherman, for the good of your son, don't hold back your emotions.
I understand.
I think you media jackals are a pack of filthy muckraking scum! What you did to poor Dan quayle is a disgrace! I hate you all, except for you good people at the new yorker.
Bravo, Mrs.
"s.
" And now, Jay's father would like to say a few words.
If I could be a vegetable, I'd be a carrot.
Very good choice.
Prepare to die! I mean, couldn't you just die? He's so cute.
Huh? Well, it looks like I'm gonna have to do something to keep you from moving around.
Please tell me we're going to build something.
No! Oh, my God! My ankles! They're so swollen and discolored.
What have you done to me? Nothing.
I retain water.
So you're the 9 liberal judges who outlawed unreasonable search and seizure.
Souter made us do it! You better lock the doors, 'cause we'll be rewriting some laws tonight.
She just kept staring at me from the projection booth.
Can I have your pickle? They followed me home.
It's time for you to die.
Drop that knife! Jeremy, you're just an actor.
You don't know how to use that thing.
It's just a gun, for God's sake, not a bloody xerox machine.
Ow! You idiot! Oops.
Uh, can we take that again? Buy my book! Buy my book! Buy my b sorry.
It had to be done.
Why? All he said was, "buy my book!" "Buy my book!" "Buy my book!" I'll be quiet.
Jay, I can't believe you asked me out on a 2nd date.
I know you tried to kill me, but you did have sex with me.
That puts you a little ahead in my book.
I brought some wine.
Oh, great.
Uh-uh-uh! So, how was prison? Oh, they treated me pretty bad at first, but then, they found out I tried to kill a film critic.
You know, in Texas, it's not even a crime.
I'm well aware.
At the Houston film festival, only half of us got out alive.
Oh, you! Don't hit me.
Some celebrity voices are impersonated.
No celebrities were harmed in the filming of this episode.
Excuse me, sir.
The show's over.
I'm stuck in the chair.
Shh.