The Drew Carey Show (1995) s01e04 Episode Script

Suzie. Great,
thanks for coming by.
Uh, please have a seat.
So, how you been?
Fine, yourself?
Oh, little of this,
little of that.
Okay, Suzie,
this is never easy.
But, uh, you're fired.
What? You're kidding me.
Well, you, you've been
late for 22 odd little
odd little last 30 days.
Okay, there's an answer
for that.
I hate to say anything
bad about anyone
but, the driver in my carpool
is on drugs.
Then there are those suspicious
waste basket fires
that seem to follow you
from department to department.
Employees smoking.
I can give you names
if you want them.
How about constantly blaming
others for everything
that you do wrong.
That's not my fault,
that's your fault.
You hired me.
Give me that paper back.
I'll stamp a few more times
just to make sure.
Lemme know if you
need any references.
Have you discussed
this with your boss?
No, I don't have to.
This isn't Mr. Bell's job,
this is my job.
Now, just kindly turn
in your register key
and, and leave the store.
I can't find my register key.
I think
someone stole it.
Alright, that's it.
Out!
Goodbye!
What brings you here, Mimi?
Well, I guess,
it's your clovin' hooves.
Oh, oh, I'm so hurt,
you're really hurting me.
Like I never heard
that one before.
Oops.
Did I just overhear
you firing Suzie?
Well, I was firing her but I was
thinking of you the whole time.
Drew, play a little
game with me.
It'll be worth your time.
Oh, goody.
Charades, okay.
Eye.
Eye lighter.
I've, a, oh, uh,
I fire, I fired.
[grunting]
Your father,
I fired your father.
Okay, Cosimoto.
I get it.
Uh, oh, Bell.
Uh, oh, Bell! Mr. Bell!
I fired Mr. Bell.
I fired Mr. Bell's what?
[mimics engine whirring]
I fired Mr. Bell's
pencil sharpener.
Oh, my God!
Moon over Parma ♪
Bring my love to me tonight ♪
Guide her to Cleveland ♪
Underneath
your silvery light ♪
We're goin' bowlin' ♪
So don't lose her in Solon ♪
Moon over Parma tonight ♪♪
Hey, uh, mind if I crack
the window just a little bit?
No, it's too cold out.
Oh, yeah,
that'll be unhealthy.
What was I thinking?
Oh, I heard what you did today,
Drew. Good for you.
Yeah, it's all
over the store.
Firing
Mr. Bell's girlfriend.
Way to go, bonehead.
Hey, I did
what had to be done.
I don't care who you are,
who you know.
We have standards
in the store.
If you don't meet the standards,
you know, you're out.
Did you know she
was his girlfriend?
Of course, I knew.
I know everything
that goes on in the store.
I'm, uh, I'm Batman.
So, how come you didn't fire
any of his other girlfriends?
- How many were they?
- Oh, there have been dozens.
I barely escaped myself.
Uh-huh!
Well, this is just one of many,
probably won't even miss her.
No, apparently he and Suzie
were getting pretty serious.
He even agreed to do
with her in bridal wear.
How come I don't
know any of this stuff?
I eavesdrop
at the water cooler.
I even put up my feet
in the stalls
so no one knows
I'm there.
What I gotta do,
buy a Miracle-Ear?
Well, it is all
just rumors.
I mean, you know
half of the rumors are wrong.
I mean, we heard
you are already fired.
[laughter]
Oh, no, that's not a rumor,
it's going to be tomorrow.
[instrumental music]
Hey, Drew.
What you doin'?
I'm putting up a clothing
partition between our homes.
Whoa, nice shirt.
Little lady would love
to see me in this.
Can I buy it?
What? No.
Come on, Drew.
Be a friend.
No. Got to the store
and buy your own shirt, Jules.
They don't have shirts
like this in stores.
I'll give you five bucks.
Drew, Jules.
Kate, Drew won't
sell me this shirt.
Drew, sell him the shirt.
You have lots of shirts.
What?
Am I crazy?
Just 'cause someone leaves
something outside
that means it's for sale.
Oh, look,
it's the Washington Monument.
That'll look great
in my front yard.
Just leave him
a couple of bucks.
What? You got all these shirts
and I got nothin'.
Get the hell
out of my yard, Jules.
Oh, it's like that now.
Great. Now, I can't
leave 'em out here.
Drew, as long as you
taking them down
can I use this line
to hang up my starships.
What do you put
stuff everywhere?
I'm already, uh, regretting
letting you use my house
for that sci-fi party.
Drew, you don't even
know what a sci-fi party is.
I've been to lots of those.
Well, you know, few times.
I went to one in college.
Okay, never been.
So, uh, who goes
to these kind of things, anyway?
Well, most of them are trekkers
like Lewis and me.
And some of them are a little
weird, but they're cool.
Plus there's always a few
"Starwars"
and "Babylon 5" fans.
Like that stuff is real.
You going to the party, Oswald?
No, I got a little star date
of my own,
"Captain's Log, Aroused."
You're not planning
on taking her back
to the apartment,
are you?
You know, why do have
to mess up our apartment?
Can't you just disappoint her
over at her place?
Hey, I may not be good,
but at least I'm fast.
Nice, by the time she realizes
how bad you are
you're outta there.
Yeah.
Drew, if I tell you something
do you promise
not to say it's stupid?
Okay, we can talk
about anything you want
as long as
it's not about work.
Okay.
At work..
what do you think about me
pitching Mr. Bell a day spa?
You know women come in,
get facials
manicures,
that sort of thing?
Hey, that's a great idea.
Thanks, I'm glad you like it.
You know, I don't wanna spend
my whole life selling lipstick.
And I really think,
this could be my big break.
Would you help me
pitch it to Mr. Bell?
Yeah, while you might wanna wait
a couple of days on that, uh..
I just heard around the office
some dork with fat glasses
and death wish
fired his girlfriend.
(Kate)
'Oh my God! You're kidding.
Why would you do that?'
Well, you know, I haven't woken
up in a cold sweat in weeks.
So I thought, "Hey, what if I
fire the boss' girlfriend?"
I didn't know
it was his girlfriend.
There's a breakdown
in office gossip.
Is there no grapevine?
Well, who was it?
Tell me? Oh, oh.
I know, it's the woman
who's already drinking
on the job in shoes.
- Someone's drinking in shoes?
- Oh, no. I got it.
It's that woman who always spits
in the perfume testers
before she sprays people.
Yes, right?
- Uhh, I use those testers.
- Oh, I know.
It's that woman who's always
drawing cartoons of you
that make you look
ugly and stupid? Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah,
that's the one.
What's her,
what was her name again?
Forget it.
People really enjoy
those cartoons. What?
Ah, it was Suzie
in Sportswear.
These people should wear
signs around their neck.
"Don't fire me,
I'm doing the boss."
Wellmay be
he'll find someone else.
Yeah, but who?
Oh, I know,
may be that-that woman
who draws
those really funny cartoons.
What was her name again?
Well, she signs her work.
So, you could check
the ladies room.
Oh yeah, which one?
All of 'em.
- Which floor?
- All of 'em.
Actually, my favorite's
on the third floor.
It's inside the bowl.
[instrumental music]
(Drew)
'That's not why I was in there.'
I'm not pervert.
I'm an art lover.
I put unflattering
naked drawings of myself.
Mimi, help me out here.
He's a pervert.
Hey, do I bother you
when you go to the men's room
to use the urinals?
Those cartoons
aren't so realistic.
I don't have flies
hangin' around my butt.
It's not that funny, Kate.
That's not what I'm smiling at.
Mr. Bell loves my spa idea.
You pitched it.
Congratulations.
[telephone ringing]
Yes, Mr. Bell?
(Mr. Bell)
'I understand, you let go'
'of an employee yesterday,
Carey.'
Um, may be, may be not.
How can I help you?
(Mr. Bell)
'Apparently rumor circulating
that she and I'
'were somehow connected.'
'You know there's no place in
this company for gossip, Carey.'
Absolutely, sir.
And there's, uh, no truth to
that rumor, is there, Mr. Bell?
'Do I pry into
your business, hmm?'
'Do I ever ask you
why you keep those catalogs'
'in the middle drawer of the
left hand side of your desk?'
You know, Mr. Bell, I'll be
happy to rehire Suzie, sir.
'No, no, no. I don't wanna make
a big public spectacle.'
'I'm sure you did
the right thing.'
Phew. I knew
you'd feel that way, sir.
So, I guess it's okay to fire
your nephew in Housewares. Ha.
'I don't think
that'd be a good idea, Carey.'
No, sir, just makin'
a little joke.
Had to see my face for that one.
'And while I've got you,
your friend Kate'
'has a wonderful idea
for Cosmetics.'
'I think we should all sit down
and talk about it.'
Great. When do you wanna sit?
'Why don't we do
something different?'
'Say, where do you people
go for drinks?'
Drinks, well, you know,
the Warsaw, but I--
'Warsaw sounds fine.
I'll call Kate.'
'If that little go-getter
can tear herself away'
'from the Cosmetics counter.'
'Hey, how's 7:30?
Oh, and Carey..'
'This Warsaw Bar, is it
the one near the Motel Six?'
Um, uh..
Uh-huh.
'Do you know,
if they rent rooms by the hour?'
Uh-huh.
Well, well, uh..
Why do you ask?
'No reason.'
[telephone beeps]
[instrumental music]
Excuse me.
Hey, how are you?
Hey, nice costume.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Think I stepped
on yourtendril.
You might wanna
have that looked at.
[knock on door]
- Permission to enter.
- Granted.
[whooshing]
Lewis, is there any more beer?
Yeah. In the basement, babe.
[indistinct chatter]
Excuse me, I..
hope you don't mind me
sayin' that you've got
your phasers set on stunning.
First sci-fi party, huh?
Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize
you were here withsomething.
[knock on door]
Hey, Drew.
Are you, uh, ready to go?
Yeah, but you're not goin'
dressed like that, are you?
Dressed like this?
Have you looked around the room?
I'm tryin' to protect you here.
If Bell hits on you
and you turn him down
he's gonna make me fire you.
Drew! I can take care of myself.
I'm a big girl.
Besides, if he was
gonna hit on me
why would he invite you along?
Three words.
Mr. Bell. Sandwich.
[scoffs]
Drew!
Here's a news flash for ya.
Mr. Bell might
be more interested
in you than in your ideas.
Oh, come on.
Kate, I'm gonna tell you
somethin' about men
that only your best friend
would tell ya.
Guys will listen to anything
if they think
it will help 'em score.
I mean, guys will pretend
to be interested in art
literature, history,
politics, romance.
So, you mean to tell me
that no guy
has ever been interested
in anything I've ever said?
- I'm sorry.
- Oh!
This is so sad, Drew.
You don't think I see
what's going on?
Bell loves my idea,
and you're just jealous.
Jealous? Please. I can have Bell
in a second if I wanted him.
Agh.
Let's just keep
the conversation on business
and we'll try to get
through this without a disaster.
Fine.
Woosh. Woosh.
Oswald, I thought
you had a date.
Uh, she cancelled,
and so did their DJ
so I thought I'd pick up
a few bucks spinning records
for the freaks.
- Nice costume.
- Who cares?
It cost me 75 cents.
Great, then you're just about
break even on the game.
Sorry you guys
can't stay for the party.
Yeah, well, maybe,
I'll find a rip
in the space-time continuum
and I'll be right back.
Huh.
Oh, look.
Here I come now.
[instrumental music]
It's not too late.
I'll give you my pants.
Oh, would you stop it.
You're like, a slightly
less masculine version
of my mother.
(Mr. Bell)
Up here.
Mr. Bell.
I see you made it okay.
Hope you weren't thrown off by
that best Western a block up.
Gee, I hope we didn't
keep you waiting.
'No. No. I had the time,
had a few drinks.'
A couple of beers.
So, face spa.
Let's talk.
'Relax, Carey.'
'Alright, let's take some time
to get to know each other.'
'So, Kate, uh,
tell me about yourself.'
'Where did you grow up?'
Well, I've lived
in Cleveland my whole life.
Boy, I can remember her
in elementary school.
- Spa. Spa. Spa.
- 'Alright. Alright .'
'Let's make Drew happy,
and talk about this day spa.'
'Uh, what's your angle, Kate?'
Well, I see it this way.
We already have the women
in there buying makeup.
And it seems to me
they would buy a lot more
in a comfortable..
more relaxing
therapeutic environment.
Mr. Bell?
'Now, keep goin' on.
I'm with you.'
(Kate)
Help me.
- Ahem.
- Ah!
Oh, I'm sorry,
was that me?
Oh, I've..
I, uh..
I have to go.
This isn't even my dress.
(Mr. Bell)
'Well, no, no, let me get, uh,
towel from waitress to help..'
But, um..
And my grandmother died.
No! Not grammy!
No, the other one.
Oh.
I-I've gotta go.
I'm really sorry.
'No, that's okay.
I understand.'
'Damn it! Did I come on
too strong?'
No, sir, I think that, uh
grammy just couldn't
say no to gravy.
'So naive, Carey.
So young.'
'Uh, w-w-what are you, 50?'
Actually, sir,
I'm in my 30s.
'Come on!
That's the booze talkin'.'
Carey, you gotta,
you gotta talk to Kate.
'Tell her what a good guy I am.'
'You're her friend.
She'll believe you.'
'Make her go out with me,
or I-I-I don't know'
'what I'll do.'
To tell you the truth, sir,
I'm not all that comfortable
mixing my personal life
with my business life.
'You know, I-I was actually
doing pretty well'
'mixing my personal life
with my business life'
'but then, the woman
I was seeing was fired'
'by, uh, some idiot.'
'Follow me, Carey.'
Yes, sir. And I'll
update the idiot later.
[crickets chirping]
Oh, my God!
[thud]
- What happened?
- Drew, I can explain.
- Some people came--
- Oh, what's this?
It's an ear.
There's ears everywhere!
Let me guess.
Did theFerengis
invade Klingon airspace
and start
an inter-planetary war?
No. We ran out of beer
and the freaks went wild.
I tried to stop them, buddy.
Look, I'm really sorry
about the house.
Hey, he put up
a good fight though.
Hey, I gave one guy
three black eyes.
That's it. No more
your weird parties at my place.
And somebody go chop up
that pod with the black glasses
in the backyard.
It's giving me the creeps.
Drew, what happened
with you and Bell?
What took you so long?
There was an awful lot
of songs about loneliness, Kate.
Boy, did he wanna hit on you.
You put me in this position.
If he still had his girlfriend
he wouldn't be going after me.
Oh, yeah, well,
if frogs could fly..
Well, we'd still
have this problem
but wouldn't it be cool?
Look, we're both
in trouble here.
If we don't do somethin',
we're both gonna get fired.
[sighs]
This sucks!
You know, for once I thought
I was being taken seriously
and it ends up being
the same old crap.
You shouldn't have
to sleep with someone
just to get them
to listen to your ideas.
I've done that,
and you know what?
It only works, like,
I don't know, 50% of the time.
Well, I think it stinks.
I think anybody
who does that is a creep.
You know what Bell
wanted me to do?
He wanted me to get
you to date him.
Which would be totally out
of the question, right?
Yeah. I know.
How dare he?
[instrumental music]
Gosh, Mimi! It not like you to
destroy food.
I don't know what you did
to upset Mr. Bell
but he told me to tell you
that until you supply him
with what he requested
the other night
he wants you to go through
all the employee evaluations
and check for punctuation.
Oh, man! Most of these people
don't even work here anymore.
Work here anymore?
Most of them are dead!
[chuckling]
Oh, on a personal
note, Drew
I realized you're going
through a difficult time here
and I just wanna let you know
that you are alone!
[chuckling]
Sorry, I'm late, but..
I got stuck behind the Amish.
We've all been there.
Boy, am I glad to see you,
Suzie. Please have a seat.
So I guess you
discovered the truth
about all those incidents
you were blamin' on me.
Well, the truth
is such a gray area.
The fact is we just missed
your bright face
walkin' in here at,
oh, whatever time
you felt like it
in the mornin'.
So how'd ya like
to come back to Winfred-Lauder?
Can I be
employee of the month?
Well, actually, that's voted--
Oh, sure. Okay.
Can I get a handicapped
parking spot?
Well, okay.
How much can Mrs. Henderson's
oxygen tank weigh anyway.
Let her dog carry it.
Welcome back!
And, uh, you might wanna
go see Mr. Bell right now.
Let him know you're here.
Hey, everybody, there goes
the handicapped employee
of the month.
- I've got great news!
- So do I.
- Well, let me go first.
- No, let me..
Well, pick a number
between one and ten.
Oh! Six!
Damn! I gotta get a new number.
I just talked to Mr. Bell.
- What?
- You should have seen me.
I was on fire!
I went in there and I told him
that I would be happy
to work hard for him,
but if he was looking
for anything more than that,
he'll have to look elsewhere.
How brave of you.
Where're you gonna work next?
- The day spa.
- He went for your idea?
That's right, I told him
to look me in the eye
and he still wanted
to look at my chest
so I met him halfway,
and I pitched it
with him looking somewhere
around my neck.
I am really proud of you, Kate.
One day, Mr. Bell's gonna
look you right in the chin
and say "Welcome to Management."
[telephone ringing]
- Yes, Mr. Bell.
- I'm glad I caught you, Carey.
- Oh, hi.
- 'Kate, you're there? Good.'
'I've found just the person
to run the day spa.'
'Suzie Clark.'
Suzie? But she was fired.
'Carey just hired her back.
Good thinking, Carey.'
- Uh, thank you, sir.
- But what about me?
'Hey, don't worry. We'll get
you a free day of beauty.'
'Oh, not that you need one.'
'Hey, Carey, you work out
all the details.'
'And by the way'
'I had a hell of a time
the other night.'
Why end it there?
Did you know that tonight
is karaoke night at the Warsaw?
Actually, every Monday night
is karaoke night at the Warsaw.
'Wonderful. Well, meet you
at 7:30, then, Carey.'
'And keep your Mondays open.'
[dial tone]
You know, if Mr. Bell
was still after you
and you just found out
that I re-hired Suzie
you would love me
so much right now.
But I do love you.
And I appreciate
what you tried to do.
And now..
You know, if you think
I didn't like that
you're wrong.
[instrumental music]
[theme music]
[chuckles]