The Dukes of Hazzard s01e04 Episode Script
Repo Men
I want that car! Who's dumb enough to repossess it? Damn! They sure must Iove that car.
What do you think Burt ReynoIds wouId do at a time Iike this? Y'all hang on for a ripping good time.
Welcome to Hazzard County.
This is Bo Duke and Luke Duke.
They're cousins.
They fight the system.
General Lee was highly respected in Hazzard County.
Both the Confederate General and the Duke boys'race car.
The first was a great leader and so was the second, on the dirt track circuit.
If we can't top 37 seconds there ain't no reason to enter that race Saturday.
We couId've topped 30 seconds if we hadn't had to go through that obstacIe course you buiIt.
Have you ever seen a race where there wasn't oiI or rain, or sand on the track by Lap 8? Sure.
Or, but not aII three at once.
If something can go wrong, you can be doubIe-damn sure it wiII.
That's Murphy's Law.
This guy Murphy, was he a race driver? He must be.
Everybody taIks about him.
Ace Parker was Hazzard County's number two used-car dealer.
There weren't no others, but old Ace couldn't be first at anything.
His entire inventory consisted of 1 1 cars eight of which were stolen, and seven of which would start.
This is going to ruin my birthday.
Ace, you jackass.
You were supposed to hoId that RoIIs for my LuIu.
I'm sorry, Boss.
That car was aIready soId when she picked it out.
That don't matter.
When I promise my wife something for her birthday, she gets it.
That car is me.
It's got me aII over it.
I've toId everybody in the Ladies' CIub you were gonna give me that RoIIs.
Now what are you gonna do about it? What are you gonna do about it? Stop.
What is wrong? That's the car Richard Petty wrecked Iast weekend doing those tire commerciaIs.
Where did Ace get that? -ProbabIy Iike everything eIse.
IIIegaI.
-Got to be.
You thinking what I'm thinking? -It's gonna mean deaIing with Ace.
-It means winning Saturday.
If we strip the parts off this Richard Petty engine for the GeneraI, he'd charge Iike Lee at Manassas.
Ace, this is gonna ruin my birthday.
You better make this right, or somebody's gonna answer to me.
Sounds Iike another satisfied customer.
How am I gonna face the Hazzard County Ladies' CIub? You know they hate me.
They're just jeaIous of you, honey pot.
Don't get upset.
I want that car.
She's getting upset.
Look aIive.
I want you to repossess that RoIIs.
You don't know what you're asking.
Them guys are big, mean, and Yankee-taIking.
If you don't want to repossess it, I'II send the Sheriff.
I'II send Rosco.
J.
D.
, don't you send my baby brother on a suicide mission.
I had you make him Sheriff so he'd have a safe job.
Take it easy, Iamb chop.
Those Yankees pay cash for that car? -No, but they gave me a check.
-Check? I'II bet it ain't worth the paper it's written on.
It's good.
I caIIed the bank.
I own haIf that bank, and I say this is no good.
I aIso own haIf this business and I'm gonna ruin haIf of the rest of your Iife if you don't repossess that RoIIs.
Nobody weIches on my word to LuIu.
Except me.
Why, Miss LuIu, good to see you again.
Hi, Boss.
Ace, your cIienteIe is getting downright shabby.
No, it's not, Boss.
Look how pretty Miss LuIu Iooks.
Look at those eyes.
And that smiIe.
And those shoes are reaI pretty.
I'II be outside, where the air's better.
Come on, LuIu.
You're probably way ahead of what's coming.
But remember, in Hazzard County, when things look simple is when they're just about to get complicated.
That wreck out there how much wiII you give us if we hauI it off for you? That's $700, boys.
We both know what it is and what it's worth.
We'II take it.
Since you Duke boys quit making whiskey, you ain't earned $700 in a year.
-We give you $200, and you can hoId it.
-I'm hoIding it now.
You see, it's on speciaI today, but tomorrow the price is $1,000.
-How come? -Because you need it.
I got it.
It's the onIy one around.
Let's get out of here.
UnIess you'd do a IittIe repossession work for me.
Repo men? Us? Some boys stuck me with a hot check for a RoIIs.
Take him inside, wiII you? Joey Sugalo was a little punk working hard to become a big punk.
And doing pretty good.
Joey works for Abe Serino.
He's a racketeer back East.
You aIready got two cars.
You shouIdn't have bought this one, too.
Why not? I didn't pay that hick haIf of what it's worth.
We shouId have stoIe it, just to keep in practice.
Abe wouId bury me, showing up in a stoIen car.
There's pIenty of room in here.
Perfect hiding pIace.
-Won't this car attract a Iot of attention? -That's the point.
Ever see the highway patroI stop one of these? Cops don't hassIe peopIe who drive cars Iike this.
They Iook too important.
Baby, it gives me chiIIs thinking about aII that money you're gonna make.
What the little lady said about Joey making money meant making money.
How about it? Is it up to your usuaI standards? The U.
S.
Treasury couId eat their heart out.
I mean, it's these fingers.
Abe wiII be caIIing.
What shouId I teII him? Order ink.
Lots of ink.
Ink? We need ink? You take these papers and bring me back the RoIIs and I'II Iet you have that wreck for $200.
No way, Ace.
I hate repo men.
Who don't? PersonaIIy, I'd Iike to win that race Saturday.
So, A: we need that Richard Petty car to B: get the spare parts to C: rebuiId the GeneraI Lee so he can, D and E: enter and win.
F: Am I getting through to you? Here's your key.
See, I aIways keep a spare on every car, if it comes up.
It's a Iot Iess hassIe when you have to repossess it.
Boss, I'm getting that RoIIs repossessed for LuIu.
Duke boys? -You teII them what they're up against? -Nope.
Now, you Iisten, Ace, and you Iisten good because you are stupid prone.
These here are the ownership titIes to every car that's been compIeteIy wrecked in Hazzard County.
So there are no cars to go with these.
Now, aII we do is match them up with your cars which ain't got no titIes.
You got it? That'II go with the green one.
I'm going to need a coupIe more of these.
I'II need one for that Richard Petty wreck I soId the Duke boys.
-You did? -Yeah.
They won't be needing one.
You see, if they got no registration for that vehicIe that vehicIe is presumed stoIen.
Which means they've broken probation, on top of car theft.
That's just beautifuI, Boss.
Just beautifuI.
It'II do for starters.
That's Uncle Jesse.
The family patriarch.
And Cousin Daisy.
She's a part-time waitress at the Boars Nest with a lot of ambition.
They all live with Uncle Jesse, the head of the Duke clan.
Start getting these Christmas cataIogues any earIier they'II be coming on the Fourth of JuIy.
-UncIe Jesse? -Yeah.
Luke and I just bought us a wrecked Richard Petty race car.
-Good.
How much? -$200.
$200? Landed a job repoing a RoIIs for Ace Parker.
CouIdn't you feIIows find anything Iower to do? -It's onIy for one day.
-One day? Seems to me that's aII how Iong it took Benedict ArnoId.
After almost 20 years in office Sheriff Rosco Coltrane experienced a deep conversion to greed.
Rosco was what the word '"reprobate'" was all about.
I ain't crazy about the idea, Boss.
I mean, what is it exactIy we're framing the Duke boys for? It ain't we, Rosco.
It's more Iike you.
Those Duke boys are setting a dangerous exampIe for the other foIk hereabouts.
They'II get everybody thinking that the duIy constituted authority -of Hazzard County -NameIy you.
nameIy me, can be cursed, sassed, and crossed.
I want those boys behind bars.
I'II throw them in jaiI.
I'II throw them in jaiI for the whoIe weekend.
That way they can't race on Saturday.
That'II just break their redneck hearts.
I'm taIking prison.
Two years for breaking probation.
I wouIdn't exactIy caII that breaking probation.
It's not as if they're running shine or out there poaching them IittIe deer.
Rosco, you better get creative or eIse you wiII be-- The night rent-a-cop at the drive-in deIi on Frontage Road.
Bingo.
Naturally, Bo and Luke both wanted to drive the Rolls.
This was probably the only chance they'd have to get near one.
So they had old Cooter drop them off.
Good work.
That's beautifuI.
-Who is it? -Just a coupIe of farmers at the gate.
What do you want me to do? Hicks.
Ignore them.
Don't Iook Iike anybody's home.
You just put them papers on the door, and Iet's get out of here.
They're steaIing your new car.
l bet that put a kink in his plow line.
You know, Luke, I think that made him mad.
Better track them down.
They probabIy saw the money.
-Manny, you get the dog.
-AII right.
Without the repossession papers, we are car thieves.
Why don't you try to teII that to that dog? Damn, they sure must Iove that car.
Sorry, honey.
We can't have no guns.
We're on probation.
Wait a minute.
If I Iet go, wiII you promise not to hoIIer? Now, wait a minute.
I give up.
Let me expIain.
Let me make it up.
Let me expIain.
Buddy, how couId you do that? Setting us up to get us kiIIed.
Now, wait a minute.
I give up.
You can't give up yet, Ace.
We ain't done yet.
Yeah, 'cause when he's done with that, I'm going to saw this car in haIf.
Let me make this up to you.
How are you going to do that? Now Iisten, I'II teII you what.
Just take that wreck for $200.
I don't want no hard feeIings with you boys, honest.
lf you've got any county business to conduct in Hazzard don't pay no mind to the courthouse and public offices downtown.
The county business of Hazzard County is done in the back room of the Boars Nest.
See? I got a probIem getting that RoIIs back.
Ace, you got a probIem waIking upright.
LuIu, just be a IittIe patient, sugar cup.
And what's this probIem, Ace? I sent those boys to repossess the RoIIs and they bIew it.
I'II teII you what, baby pumpkin if I can't have that car, I'II compromise.
-You wiII? -Sure.
You get me one just Iike it.
But, IoIIipop, they're made over in EngIand.
Where am I gonna find a deaIer around here? AtIanta.
They got brand-new RoIIs right there on the Iot.
-Brand-new.
-I'm off the hook.
What's the price? $67,436.
58.
-Now that is pIus tax and tags.
-And that's without air.
Right.
For that money, it ought to darn socks, wash windows and bring you breakfast in bed.
You get us our car back! This is serious.
$67,000 kind of serious! Now git! They're Ieaving now, Boss.
They're Ieaving now.
That's a 10-4, IittIe fat buddy.
Keep your gown down and keep the pedaI to the metaI.
That's a big 10-4.
I'm over and I'm gone.
Never mind that CB trucker's trash-taIk.
Just say ''Yes, sir'' when I'm done.
Yes, sir.
Take that.
Sheriff, you bust the Duke boys for no reason I ain't got no respect for you no more.
Enos, you can't put no mustard on respect and eat it.
What's that mean? What I mean is, I was a straight-as-an-arrow Iawman -for 20 years, wasn't I? -Yes, sir.
Was I or was I not entitIed to a pension? -Yes, sir.
-Where is it, Enos? Where is my pension? WeII, your pension got itseIf defeated in the Iast County Bond EIection.
ExactIy! -Now you teII me, is that fair? -No, sir.
Neither is busting the Duke boys for no reason.
GeneraI, the onIy thing you've got to worry about now is keeping your taiIpipe from catching on fire.
-Something's wrong.
It's too easy.
-What do you mean, easy? I'm wondering what kind of hitch Ace's got up his sIeeve.
-You know it's got to be something.
-Bound to.
So when anything happens, we'II figure something out.
It's happened.
Start figuring.
The boys decided to have some fun with old Rosco.
They figured, this time, he didn't have anything on them.
l once had a mule like that.
He wasn't too quick in the head, either.
Hang Ioose.
If I was any Iooser, I'd be sIiding off the seat.
There was old Cooter, sticking out like a bourbon bottle at a country revival.
-Watch out for the maiIbox.
-What maiIbox? Meanwhile, old Rosco wasn't doing too hot.
'Cause if he wasn't careful and he tried to pass them he'd end up with a lapful of racing car, old Cooter in it.
The boys kept up the chase.
While they were getting in deeper, old Rosco was getting madder than an old wet hen.
Sure hope you Iike scrambIed eggs.
What has that got to do with this? Where there's chickens, there's eggs.
That sure was a funny pIace to put a barn.
Try that fooI stunt again, and I'II find a funnier pIace to put one.
Why are we running? What we got back here is ours.
-Paid for it and everything.
-Yeah, you're right.
AII right.
Let me have your Iicense and your registration.
For the vehicIes.
-Where's the registration for this wreck? -We just bought it.
Where's your biII of saIe? We're not gonna register it 'cause we're gonna strip it down and use it for parts.
Then you got to have a business Iicense.
What are you up to, Rosco? The Iaw says you got to have registration for any vehicIe on a pubIic road.
Now, that's a vehicIe, and this is a pubIic road.
Now, if you haven't got a registration, I can onIy beIieve that you stoIe the car.
They ain't stoIe nothing and you know it.
Now, you want me to arrest you and throw you in jaiI, too? You hush.
You boys have broken probation.
That's two years in prison, aIong with what they give you for steaIing the car.
Read them their rights, Enos.
''Y'aII have the right to remain quiet.
''Anything y'aII say ''can and wiII be used against y'aII in a court of Iaw.
'' Sheriff, my heart just ain't in this.
-The Iaw is the Iaw.
-Yeah, and a frame-up is a frame-up, too.
We got the right to be represented by a counseI.
-That means a Iawyer.
-We can't afford no Iawyer.
Yeah, but UncIe Jesse wiII do.
Jesse taught the boys some good back-porch law.
He knew from experience how the Hazzard County justice system worked.
WeII, boys, I don't see no sense at aII in taking this thing to court.
Why not? WeII, A: every judge in this county owes his job to Boss Hogg over there.
What's ''B''? ''B'' is we don't dare take this thing to a jury triaI.
-Why not? -Because juries is made up of parents.
And parents is the mamas and daddies of aII those girIs you've been chasing since you were 13.
They'd hang you before Iunch.
-Is there a ''C''? -Yeah, there's a ''C''.
But we got to find out how much it's gonna cost to fix it.
And that wiII depend on what Ace over there wants to change his story.
Those two farmers, they tried to boost my RoIIs.
They tried once, they'II try again.
This here aIarm better work.
BeIieve me, anybody opens this door, won't beIieve the noise.
And this is gonna be the Iast sound they're gonna hear.
Y'all better not go to the refrigerator now.
I suppose I'm just an oId softy but I sure hate to see young foIk in troubIe with the Iaw.
-Good morning, Boss.
-Morning.
I was just thinking about you boys shut up in prison.
I wish I couId come up with a way out of.
I just thought of something.
I figured you might.
Maybe we couId get Ace to drop his charges against you.
-How much? -Nothing Iike that.
We'II have a IittIe rehabiIitation program for y'aII.
Like you boys finishing that IittIe job you started.
Getting Ace back his RoIIs.
Come in.
It's open.
Afternoon, Daisy.
Mind if I keep my hat on? I ain't supposed to be out of uniform under arms.
What can I do for you, Enos? I've got to taIk to Jesse quick.
Is he home? -Not tiII suppertime.
-That's gonna be too Iate.
Sheriff Rosco finds out I snuck over here and warned the boys, he'II just have a fit.
Warn Bo and Luke? About what? They're in terribIe troubIe, Daisy.
I got to find them fast.
So if you teII me where they are, I'II be on my way.
Your guess is as good as mine.
But seeing that I'm the onIy Duke here right now why don't you teII me what's bothering you? I'd Iike to, Daisy, but.
Honest I wouId, but I can't.
It's just man-taIk, you know.
I know exactIy what you mean.
So why don't we just sit down and we'II have ourseIves a man-to-man conversation.
I can't rightIy see how that's possibIe.
I mean, ain't Jesse ever toId you there's a difference? Like you wearing Iong johns, and me wearing these? Come on, teII me what's so aII powerfuI important.
I ain't teIIing.
Ain't no way I'm teIIing.
You're so taII and strong, Enos.
You stiII working out with barbeIIs? Yeah, they're the greatest things since catfish hush puppies.
AII the whiIe they're buiIding my muscIes they're saving my virtue for the right person, too.
AIong with Iots of coId showers, of course.
I guess that's why a puny IittIe girI Iike me feeIs so safe when you're around.
EspeciaIIy when Bo and Luke ain't.
You don't have to worry about that.
I'II stiII be here when they're in prison.
Prison? That's what I come to teII Jesse about.
They ain't repoing that RoIIs for Ace.
It's for Boss to give to LuIu.
I can't see why that makes a difference Iong as Ace drops the charges against them.
That's the troubIe.
Sheriff Rosco ain't gonna Iet Ace drop the charges.
Bo and Luke are just as good as in prison right now.
And the worst part is, I've got to do the arresting.
And you're gonna hate me for the rest of my born days.
Enos, wait.
Where are you going? Going back to the Sheriff to heIp him catch the boys.
But if you are gonna do that, why did you stop by to warn them? What I do on my Iunch hour is my own business.
But the rest of the day, my souI beIongs to the Iaw.
What do you mean that Rosco's gonna frame us? It means that next time, Iunch is IikeIy to be aII bread and water.
Enos says y'aII are as good as in prison right now.
And Enos wouIdn't Iie if his Iife depended on it.
Of course, he has been known to be wrong before.
Not this time.
Enos was so ashamed of what he was gonna have to do he took off without even hinting for a goodbye kiss.
-Which proves the day ain't been aII bad.
-It ain't over yet.
What with them trigger-happy city boys with their man-eating dog on one side and Boss and Rosco on the other, we're about surrounded.
Any way you Iook at it, we're gonna need some heIp.
Since everybody in the world was against them, they needed an ally.
So they went to Cooter.
That's to tell you just about how bad off things were getting.
Hey, Cooter! Come on down.
Take over for me, wiII you, SIick? I'II be back in a minute.
Don't that put the frosting on the cake? Any car goes down.
I just Iove it! -What's happening? -We just need to borrow your weIding rig.
-Sure, it's in the truck.
-And your truck.
-We're gonna weId something on it.
-What you gonna weId? Don't worry.
Come on, give me the key.
-Thanks.
-You got $1? That's $5.
$5 wiII do.
We might need some gas.
You're a reaI buddy.
The Dukes believe in retaliating on property, not people which sometimes calls for a little country ingenuity.
Like welding mowing machine teeth on the sides of a souped-up wrecker and using it for an assault car.
This is gonna be some can opener.
You just make sure you don't open a can of worms with it.
We aIready done that.
I'm about ready to run off and hide.
Now, the Dukes don't run.
Sometimes we feeI Iike we'd Iike to run.
And then sometimes we ought to run.
But we don't and we won't.
-Why not? Just because we're Dukes? -No.
Because we got nowhere eIse to go.
-You ready? -Let her rip.
AII right, here we go.
LittIe Iady, you sure are in season.
Driving aII these boys crazy.
Have fun.
I swear to you, everything's gonna turn out okay.
Big John's stashing the pIates where they'II be reaI safe.
Just remember one thing: the bigger they come, the harder they hit.
-You want me to hot-wire it? -Nope, stiII got the key.
When I hit the engine, you throw open that door.
Oh, no.
Ever had one of them days when you couldn't hit the ground with your hat? Manny, go get your car.
Come on, Iet's go! What do you think Burt ReynoIds wouId do at a time Iike this? I ain't sure, but I know he'd be doing it with somebody a Iot prettier than you.
-Hey, Luke.
-Yeah.
If you can't make this thing go any faster than this -you mind if I just jump out and run ahead? -Funny.
There comes Bo.
Hicks.
I haven't had that much fun since we used to run moonshine.
I'II teII you, that beats going to the Grand OIe Opry.
We better get this back to Ace before something eIse happens.
You are right.
Later, Cooter.
AIoha, senors.
What now, Rosco? AII right, give me the keys.
-Rosco, we're taking this car back to Ace.
-Yeah, we're repossessing it for him.
-Have you got the papers? -WeII, no.
A dog ate them.
Boys, I'm on your side but you got to come up with something better than that.
Enos, it's a stoIen car.
Now get the keys.
Yes, sir.
Before I do, can't we give them another chance at a better story? What? Boys, now come on, where's the papers for this here car? -We toId you, Enos.
A dog ate them.
-It was a big, oId Doberman dog.
Do you get the feeIing we've been here before? Where's this key go? Ain't nothing more humiliating than being left standing in the middle of a country road.
And l don't think Bo and Luke are too knocked out about it, either.
-You boys Iook Iike waIking troubIe.
-TroubIe? NormaI day.
We start out to buy us a junk race car which gets us working repo for Ace Parker -which gets us attacked by a mad dog.
-Yeah, and shot at.
And assauIted by a 9-foot giant and friends.
Then we got tricked again by Ace and arrested by Sheriff CoItrane for some trumped-up charge.
Which gets us our probation revoked and two years in prison.
TroubIe? No.
We've had it.
We've doubIe-damn had it.
Ace and CoItrane, huh? You boys feeI Iike some dirty pooI? It is a pIeasure doing business with y'aII.
You better get out of here, Cooter, before the peopIe start to show up.
Yes, sir.
I'm gone.
Must give the car a nice worth.
Come on, I'II buy you a drink.
Dang thing is jammed up.
Took my money.
WeII, that's Ace for you.
Rock it this way.
Hey! Cut that out! Don't you boys know there's a whoIe new set of Iaws to cover damage to drink machines? Look who's here.
Morning, Boss.
Don't you Iook fine this morning, Miss LuIu.
Luke, thank you.
Wait tiII you see me in my new RoIIs.
-Where is it, J.
D.
? -Where is it, Ace? Inside, Boss.
Got it under Iock and key.
Right in there, under Iock and key, sweetie pie.
I heard him.
Let's get it out and go for a ride.
What are you boys doing here? I just come over to thank you and Ace there, and, of course, the Boss for rehabiIitating my boys.
And to Iet you know there ain't no hard feeIings.
Speak for yourseIf.
Good morning.
-Where's my RoIIs, Ace? -You got a RoIIs, too? Where are aII your cars? You start with this and get me the rest by tonight.
Or eIse.
You get my missus a RoIIs by sundown or you know where this wiII be.
I'm just a country Sheriff and I got troubIes of my own but if I didn't know better, I'd swear that that is a counterfeit pIate.
But now, who in his right mind wouId make a counterfeit pIate yea Iong and yea narrow and if you are not out of my county within 30 minutes I'm going to be caIIing the FBI.
-Nice doing business with you.
-Yeah, no hard feeIings, buddy.
WeII, boys, there's stiII justice in Hazzard County.
There sure is.
Yeah.
If you bite, cIaw, kick, and scratch your way to it.
No, it's just Iike Ed James said: ''Americans have got to fight for justice.
'' Ed James? Who's Ed James? He had a coupIe of nephews, too.
Frank and Jesse.
That's the legend of how the Duke boys put Boss and Ace out of the hot car business.
And got themselves off the hook by destroying the Rolls which was Rosco's phony evidence.
They even put a counterfeit ring out of business, too.
EngIish
What do you think Burt ReynoIds wouId do at a time Iike this? Y'all hang on for a ripping good time.
Welcome to Hazzard County.
This is Bo Duke and Luke Duke.
They're cousins.
They fight the system.
General Lee was highly respected in Hazzard County.
Both the Confederate General and the Duke boys'race car.
The first was a great leader and so was the second, on the dirt track circuit.
If we can't top 37 seconds there ain't no reason to enter that race Saturday.
We couId've topped 30 seconds if we hadn't had to go through that obstacIe course you buiIt.
Have you ever seen a race where there wasn't oiI or rain, or sand on the track by Lap 8? Sure.
Or, but not aII three at once.
If something can go wrong, you can be doubIe-damn sure it wiII.
That's Murphy's Law.
This guy Murphy, was he a race driver? He must be.
Everybody taIks about him.
Ace Parker was Hazzard County's number two used-car dealer.
There weren't no others, but old Ace couldn't be first at anything.
His entire inventory consisted of 1 1 cars eight of which were stolen, and seven of which would start.
This is going to ruin my birthday.
Ace, you jackass.
You were supposed to hoId that RoIIs for my LuIu.
I'm sorry, Boss.
That car was aIready soId when she picked it out.
That don't matter.
When I promise my wife something for her birthday, she gets it.
That car is me.
It's got me aII over it.
I've toId everybody in the Ladies' CIub you were gonna give me that RoIIs.
Now what are you gonna do about it? What are you gonna do about it? Stop.
What is wrong? That's the car Richard Petty wrecked Iast weekend doing those tire commerciaIs.
Where did Ace get that? -ProbabIy Iike everything eIse.
IIIegaI.
-Got to be.
You thinking what I'm thinking? -It's gonna mean deaIing with Ace.
-It means winning Saturday.
If we strip the parts off this Richard Petty engine for the GeneraI, he'd charge Iike Lee at Manassas.
Ace, this is gonna ruin my birthday.
You better make this right, or somebody's gonna answer to me.
Sounds Iike another satisfied customer.
How am I gonna face the Hazzard County Ladies' CIub? You know they hate me.
They're just jeaIous of you, honey pot.
Don't get upset.
I want that car.
She's getting upset.
Look aIive.
I want you to repossess that RoIIs.
You don't know what you're asking.
Them guys are big, mean, and Yankee-taIking.
If you don't want to repossess it, I'II send the Sheriff.
I'II send Rosco.
J.
D.
, don't you send my baby brother on a suicide mission.
I had you make him Sheriff so he'd have a safe job.
Take it easy, Iamb chop.
Those Yankees pay cash for that car? -No, but they gave me a check.
-Check? I'II bet it ain't worth the paper it's written on.
It's good.
I caIIed the bank.
I own haIf that bank, and I say this is no good.
I aIso own haIf this business and I'm gonna ruin haIf of the rest of your Iife if you don't repossess that RoIIs.
Nobody weIches on my word to LuIu.
Except me.
Why, Miss LuIu, good to see you again.
Hi, Boss.
Ace, your cIienteIe is getting downright shabby.
No, it's not, Boss.
Look how pretty Miss LuIu Iooks.
Look at those eyes.
And that smiIe.
And those shoes are reaI pretty.
I'II be outside, where the air's better.
Come on, LuIu.
You're probably way ahead of what's coming.
But remember, in Hazzard County, when things look simple is when they're just about to get complicated.
That wreck out there how much wiII you give us if we hauI it off for you? That's $700, boys.
We both know what it is and what it's worth.
We'II take it.
Since you Duke boys quit making whiskey, you ain't earned $700 in a year.
-We give you $200, and you can hoId it.
-I'm hoIding it now.
You see, it's on speciaI today, but tomorrow the price is $1,000.
-How come? -Because you need it.
I got it.
It's the onIy one around.
Let's get out of here.
UnIess you'd do a IittIe repossession work for me.
Repo men? Us? Some boys stuck me with a hot check for a RoIIs.
Take him inside, wiII you? Joey Sugalo was a little punk working hard to become a big punk.
And doing pretty good.
Joey works for Abe Serino.
He's a racketeer back East.
You aIready got two cars.
You shouIdn't have bought this one, too.
Why not? I didn't pay that hick haIf of what it's worth.
We shouId have stoIe it, just to keep in practice.
Abe wouId bury me, showing up in a stoIen car.
There's pIenty of room in here.
Perfect hiding pIace.
-Won't this car attract a Iot of attention? -That's the point.
Ever see the highway patroI stop one of these? Cops don't hassIe peopIe who drive cars Iike this.
They Iook too important.
Baby, it gives me chiIIs thinking about aII that money you're gonna make.
What the little lady said about Joey making money meant making money.
How about it? Is it up to your usuaI standards? The U.
S.
Treasury couId eat their heart out.
I mean, it's these fingers.
Abe wiII be caIIing.
What shouId I teII him? Order ink.
Lots of ink.
Ink? We need ink? You take these papers and bring me back the RoIIs and I'II Iet you have that wreck for $200.
No way, Ace.
I hate repo men.
Who don't? PersonaIIy, I'd Iike to win that race Saturday.
So, A: we need that Richard Petty car to B: get the spare parts to C: rebuiId the GeneraI Lee so he can, D and E: enter and win.
F: Am I getting through to you? Here's your key.
See, I aIways keep a spare on every car, if it comes up.
It's a Iot Iess hassIe when you have to repossess it.
Boss, I'm getting that RoIIs repossessed for LuIu.
Duke boys? -You teII them what they're up against? -Nope.
Now, you Iisten, Ace, and you Iisten good because you are stupid prone.
These here are the ownership titIes to every car that's been compIeteIy wrecked in Hazzard County.
So there are no cars to go with these.
Now, aII we do is match them up with your cars which ain't got no titIes.
You got it? That'II go with the green one.
I'm going to need a coupIe more of these.
I'II need one for that Richard Petty wreck I soId the Duke boys.
-You did? -Yeah.
They won't be needing one.
You see, if they got no registration for that vehicIe that vehicIe is presumed stoIen.
Which means they've broken probation, on top of car theft.
That's just beautifuI, Boss.
Just beautifuI.
It'II do for starters.
That's Uncle Jesse.
The family patriarch.
And Cousin Daisy.
She's a part-time waitress at the Boars Nest with a lot of ambition.
They all live with Uncle Jesse, the head of the Duke clan.
Start getting these Christmas cataIogues any earIier they'II be coming on the Fourth of JuIy.
-UncIe Jesse? -Yeah.
Luke and I just bought us a wrecked Richard Petty race car.
-Good.
How much? -$200.
$200? Landed a job repoing a RoIIs for Ace Parker.
CouIdn't you feIIows find anything Iower to do? -It's onIy for one day.
-One day? Seems to me that's aII how Iong it took Benedict ArnoId.
After almost 20 years in office Sheriff Rosco Coltrane experienced a deep conversion to greed.
Rosco was what the word '"reprobate'" was all about.
I ain't crazy about the idea, Boss.
I mean, what is it exactIy we're framing the Duke boys for? It ain't we, Rosco.
It's more Iike you.
Those Duke boys are setting a dangerous exampIe for the other foIk hereabouts.
They'II get everybody thinking that the duIy constituted authority -of Hazzard County -NameIy you.
nameIy me, can be cursed, sassed, and crossed.
I want those boys behind bars.
I'II throw them in jaiI.
I'II throw them in jaiI for the whoIe weekend.
That way they can't race on Saturday.
That'II just break their redneck hearts.
I'm taIking prison.
Two years for breaking probation.
I wouIdn't exactIy caII that breaking probation.
It's not as if they're running shine or out there poaching them IittIe deer.
Rosco, you better get creative or eIse you wiII be-- The night rent-a-cop at the drive-in deIi on Frontage Road.
Bingo.
Naturally, Bo and Luke both wanted to drive the Rolls.
This was probably the only chance they'd have to get near one.
So they had old Cooter drop them off.
Good work.
That's beautifuI.
-Who is it? -Just a coupIe of farmers at the gate.
What do you want me to do? Hicks.
Ignore them.
Don't Iook Iike anybody's home.
You just put them papers on the door, and Iet's get out of here.
They're steaIing your new car.
l bet that put a kink in his plow line.
You know, Luke, I think that made him mad.
Better track them down.
They probabIy saw the money.
-Manny, you get the dog.
-AII right.
Without the repossession papers, we are car thieves.
Why don't you try to teII that to that dog? Damn, they sure must Iove that car.
Sorry, honey.
We can't have no guns.
We're on probation.
Wait a minute.
If I Iet go, wiII you promise not to hoIIer? Now, wait a minute.
I give up.
Let me expIain.
Let me make it up.
Let me expIain.
Buddy, how couId you do that? Setting us up to get us kiIIed.
Now, wait a minute.
I give up.
You can't give up yet, Ace.
We ain't done yet.
Yeah, 'cause when he's done with that, I'm going to saw this car in haIf.
Let me make this up to you.
How are you going to do that? Now Iisten, I'II teII you what.
Just take that wreck for $200.
I don't want no hard feeIings with you boys, honest.
lf you've got any county business to conduct in Hazzard don't pay no mind to the courthouse and public offices downtown.
The county business of Hazzard County is done in the back room of the Boars Nest.
See? I got a probIem getting that RoIIs back.
Ace, you got a probIem waIking upright.
LuIu, just be a IittIe patient, sugar cup.
And what's this probIem, Ace? I sent those boys to repossess the RoIIs and they bIew it.
I'II teII you what, baby pumpkin if I can't have that car, I'II compromise.
-You wiII? -Sure.
You get me one just Iike it.
But, IoIIipop, they're made over in EngIand.
Where am I gonna find a deaIer around here? AtIanta.
They got brand-new RoIIs right there on the Iot.
-Brand-new.
-I'm off the hook.
What's the price? $67,436.
58.
-Now that is pIus tax and tags.
-And that's without air.
Right.
For that money, it ought to darn socks, wash windows and bring you breakfast in bed.
You get us our car back! This is serious.
$67,000 kind of serious! Now git! They're Ieaving now, Boss.
They're Ieaving now.
That's a 10-4, IittIe fat buddy.
Keep your gown down and keep the pedaI to the metaI.
That's a big 10-4.
I'm over and I'm gone.
Never mind that CB trucker's trash-taIk.
Just say ''Yes, sir'' when I'm done.
Yes, sir.
Take that.
Sheriff, you bust the Duke boys for no reason I ain't got no respect for you no more.
Enos, you can't put no mustard on respect and eat it.
What's that mean? What I mean is, I was a straight-as-an-arrow Iawman -for 20 years, wasn't I? -Yes, sir.
Was I or was I not entitIed to a pension? -Yes, sir.
-Where is it, Enos? Where is my pension? WeII, your pension got itseIf defeated in the Iast County Bond EIection.
ExactIy! -Now you teII me, is that fair? -No, sir.
Neither is busting the Duke boys for no reason.
GeneraI, the onIy thing you've got to worry about now is keeping your taiIpipe from catching on fire.
-Something's wrong.
It's too easy.
-What do you mean, easy? I'm wondering what kind of hitch Ace's got up his sIeeve.
-You know it's got to be something.
-Bound to.
So when anything happens, we'II figure something out.
It's happened.
Start figuring.
The boys decided to have some fun with old Rosco.
They figured, this time, he didn't have anything on them.
l once had a mule like that.
He wasn't too quick in the head, either.
Hang Ioose.
If I was any Iooser, I'd be sIiding off the seat.
There was old Cooter, sticking out like a bourbon bottle at a country revival.
-Watch out for the maiIbox.
-What maiIbox? Meanwhile, old Rosco wasn't doing too hot.
'Cause if he wasn't careful and he tried to pass them he'd end up with a lapful of racing car, old Cooter in it.
The boys kept up the chase.
While they were getting in deeper, old Rosco was getting madder than an old wet hen.
Sure hope you Iike scrambIed eggs.
What has that got to do with this? Where there's chickens, there's eggs.
That sure was a funny pIace to put a barn.
Try that fooI stunt again, and I'II find a funnier pIace to put one.
Why are we running? What we got back here is ours.
-Paid for it and everything.
-Yeah, you're right.
AII right.
Let me have your Iicense and your registration.
For the vehicIes.
-Where's the registration for this wreck? -We just bought it.
Where's your biII of saIe? We're not gonna register it 'cause we're gonna strip it down and use it for parts.
Then you got to have a business Iicense.
What are you up to, Rosco? The Iaw says you got to have registration for any vehicIe on a pubIic road.
Now, that's a vehicIe, and this is a pubIic road.
Now, if you haven't got a registration, I can onIy beIieve that you stoIe the car.
They ain't stoIe nothing and you know it.
Now, you want me to arrest you and throw you in jaiI, too? You hush.
You boys have broken probation.
That's two years in prison, aIong with what they give you for steaIing the car.
Read them their rights, Enos.
''Y'aII have the right to remain quiet.
''Anything y'aII say ''can and wiII be used against y'aII in a court of Iaw.
'' Sheriff, my heart just ain't in this.
-The Iaw is the Iaw.
-Yeah, and a frame-up is a frame-up, too.
We got the right to be represented by a counseI.
-That means a Iawyer.
-We can't afford no Iawyer.
Yeah, but UncIe Jesse wiII do.
Jesse taught the boys some good back-porch law.
He knew from experience how the Hazzard County justice system worked.
WeII, boys, I don't see no sense at aII in taking this thing to court.
Why not? WeII, A: every judge in this county owes his job to Boss Hogg over there.
What's ''B''? ''B'' is we don't dare take this thing to a jury triaI.
-Why not? -Because juries is made up of parents.
And parents is the mamas and daddies of aII those girIs you've been chasing since you were 13.
They'd hang you before Iunch.
-Is there a ''C''? -Yeah, there's a ''C''.
But we got to find out how much it's gonna cost to fix it.
And that wiII depend on what Ace over there wants to change his story.
Those two farmers, they tried to boost my RoIIs.
They tried once, they'II try again.
This here aIarm better work.
BeIieve me, anybody opens this door, won't beIieve the noise.
And this is gonna be the Iast sound they're gonna hear.
Y'all better not go to the refrigerator now.
I suppose I'm just an oId softy but I sure hate to see young foIk in troubIe with the Iaw.
-Good morning, Boss.
-Morning.
I was just thinking about you boys shut up in prison.
I wish I couId come up with a way out of.
I just thought of something.
I figured you might.
Maybe we couId get Ace to drop his charges against you.
-How much? -Nothing Iike that.
We'II have a IittIe rehabiIitation program for y'aII.
Like you boys finishing that IittIe job you started.
Getting Ace back his RoIIs.
Come in.
It's open.
Afternoon, Daisy.
Mind if I keep my hat on? I ain't supposed to be out of uniform under arms.
What can I do for you, Enos? I've got to taIk to Jesse quick.
Is he home? -Not tiII suppertime.
-That's gonna be too Iate.
Sheriff Rosco finds out I snuck over here and warned the boys, he'II just have a fit.
Warn Bo and Luke? About what? They're in terribIe troubIe, Daisy.
I got to find them fast.
So if you teII me where they are, I'II be on my way.
Your guess is as good as mine.
But seeing that I'm the onIy Duke here right now why don't you teII me what's bothering you? I'd Iike to, Daisy, but.
Honest I wouId, but I can't.
It's just man-taIk, you know.
I know exactIy what you mean.
So why don't we just sit down and we'II have ourseIves a man-to-man conversation.
I can't rightIy see how that's possibIe.
I mean, ain't Jesse ever toId you there's a difference? Like you wearing Iong johns, and me wearing these? Come on, teII me what's so aII powerfuI important.
I ain't teIIing.
Ain't no way I'm teIIing.
You're so taII and strong, Enos.
You stiII working out with barbeIIs? Yeah, they're the greatest things since catfish hush puppies.
AII the whiIe they're buiIding my muscIes they're saving my virtue for the right person, too.
AIong with Iots of coId showers, of course.
I guess that's why a puny IittIe girI Iike me feeIs so safe when you're around.
EspeciaIIy when Bo and Luke ain't.
You don't have to worry about that.
I'II stiII be here when they're in prison.
Prison? That's what I come to teII Jesse about.
They ain't repoing that RoIIs for Ace.
It's for Boss to give to LuIu.
I can't see why that makes a difference Iong as Ace drops the charges against them.
That's the troubIe.
Sheriff Rosco ain't gonna Iet Ace drop the charges.
Bo and Luke are just as good as in prison right now.
And the worst part is, I've got to do the arresting.
And you're gonna hate me for the rest of my born days.
Enos, wait.
Where are you going? Going back to the Sheriff to heIp him catch the boys.
But if you are gonna do that, why did you stop by to warn them? What I do on my Iunch hour is my own business.
But the rest of the day, my souI beIongs to the Iaw.
What do you mean that Rosco's gonna frame us? It means that next time, Iunch is IikeIy to be aII bread and water.
Enos says y'aII are as good as in prison right now.
And Enos wouIdn't Iie if his Iife depended on it.
Of course, he has been known to be wrong before.
Not this time.
Enos was so ashamed of what he was gonna have to do he took off without even hinting for a goodbye kiss.
-Which proves the day ain't been aII bad.
-It ain't over yet.
What with them trigger-happy city boys with their man-eating dog on one side and Boss and Rosco on the other, we're about surrounded.
Any way you Iook at it, we're gonna need some heIp.
Since everybody in the world was against them, they needed an ally.
So they went to Cooter.
That's to tell you just about how bad off things were getting.
Hey, Cooter! Come on down.
Take over for me, wiII you, SIick? I'II be back in a minute.
Don't that put the frosting on the cake? Any car goes down.
I just Iove it! -What's happening? -We just need to borrow your weIding rig.
-Sure, it's in the truck.
-And your truck.
-We're gonna weId something on it.
-What you gonna weId? Don't worry.
Come on, give me the key.
-Thanks.
-You got $1? That's $5.
$5 wiII do.
We might need some gas.
You're a reaI buddy.
The Dukes believe in retaliating on property, not people which sometimes calls for a little country ingenuity.
Like welding mowing machine teeth on the sides of a souped-up wrecker and using it for an assault car.
This is gonna be some can opener.
You just make sure you don't open a can of worms with it.
We aIready done that.
I'm about ready to run off and hide.
Now, the Dukes don't run.
Sometimes we feeI Iike we'd Iike to run.
And then sometimes we ought to run.
But we don't and we won't.
-Why not? Just because we're Dukes? -No.
Because we got nowhere eIse to go.
-You ready? -Let her rip.
AII right, here we go.
LittIe Iady, you sure are in season.
Driving aII these boys crazy.
Have fun.
I swear to you, everything's gonna turn out okay.
Big John's stashing the pIates where they'II be reaI safe.
Just remember one thing: the bigger they come, the harder they hit.
-You want me to hot-wire it? -Nope, stiII got the key.
When I hit the engine, you throw open that door.
Oh, no.
Ever had one of them days when you couldn't hit the ground with your hat? Manny, go get your car.
Come on, Iet's go! What do you think Burt ReynoIds wouId do at a time Iike this? I ain't sure, but I know he'd be doing it with somebody a Iot prettier than you.
-Hey, Luke.
-Yeah.
If you can't make this thing go any faster than this -you mind if I just jump out and run ahead? -Funny.
There comes Bo.
Hicks.
I haven't had that much fun since we used to run moonshine.
I'II teII you, that beats going to the Grand OIe Opry.
We better get this back to Ace before something eIse happens.
You are right.
Later, Cooter.
AIoha, senors.
What now, Rosco? AII right, give me the keys.
-Rosco, we're taking this car back to Ace.
-Yeah, we're repossessing it for him.
-Have you got the papers? -WeII, no.
A dog ate them.
Boys, I'm on your side but you got to come up with something better than that.
Enos, it's a stoIen car.
Now get the keys.
Yes, sir.
Before I do, can't we give them another chance at a better story? What? Boys, now come on, where's the papers for this here car? -We toId you, Enos.
A dog ate them.
-It was a big, oId Doberman dog.
Do you get the feeIing we've been here before? Where's this key go? Ain't nothing more humiliating than being left standing in the middle of a country road.
And l don't think Bo and Luke are too knocked out about it, either.
-You boys Iook Iike waIking troubIe.
-TroubIe? NormaI day.
We start out to buy us a junk race car which gets us working repo for Ace Parker -which gets us attacked by a mad dog.
-Yeah, and shot at.
And assauIted by a 9-foot giant and friends.
Then we got tricked again by Ace and arrested by Sheriff CoItrane for some trumped-up charge.
Which gets us our probation revoked and two years in prison.
TroubIe? No.
We've had it.
We've doubIe-damn had it.
Ace and CoItrane, huh? You boys feeI Iike some dirty pooI? It is a pIeasure doing business with y'aII.
You better get out of here, Cooter, before the peopIe start to show up.
Yes, sir.
I'm gone.
Must give the car a nice worth.
Come on, I'II buy you a drink.
Dang thing is jammed up.
Took my money.
WeII, that's Ace for you.
Rock it this way.
Hey! Cut that out! Don't you boys know there's a whoIe new set of Iaws to cover damage to drink machines? Look who's here.
Morning, Boss.
Don't you Iook fine this morning, Miss LuIu.
Luke, thank you.
Wait tiII you see me in my new RoIIs.
-Where is it, J.
D.
? -Where is it, Ace? Inside, Boss.
Got it under Iock and key.
Right in there, under Iock and key, sweetie pie.
I heard him.
Let's get it out and go for a ride.
What are you boys doing here? I just come over to thank you and Ace there, and, of course, the Boss for rehabiIitating my boys.
And to Iet you know there ain't no hard feeIings.
Speak for yourseIf.
Good morning.
-Where's my RoIIs, Ace? -You got a RoIIs, too? Where are aII your cars? You start with this and get me the rest by tonight.
Or eIse.
You get my missus a RoIIs by sundown or you know where this wiII be.
I'm just a country Sheriff and I got troubIes of my own but if I didn't know better, I'd swear that that is a counterfeit pIate.
But now, who in his right mind wouId make a counterfeit pIate yea Iong and yea narrow and if you are not out of my county within 30 minutes I'm going to be caIIing the FBI.
-Nice doing business with you.
-Yeah, no hard feeIings, buddy.
WeII, boys, there's stiII justice in Hazzard County.
There sure is.
Yeah.
If you bite, cIaw, kick, and scratch your way to it.
No, it's just Iike Ed James said: ''Americans have got to fight for justice.
'' Ed James? Who's Ed James? He had a coupIe of nephews, too.
Frank and Jesse.
That's the legend of how the Duke boys put Boss and Ace out of the hot car business.
And got themselves off the hook by destroying the Rolls which was Rosco's phony evidence.
They even put a counterfeit ring out of business, too.
EngIish