The Exes (2011) s01e04 Episode Script

Wendy, I had a great time last night.
You are a cutie.
I ain't gonna argue with you there.
[both laugh.]
Yeah! Morning, Haskell.
Shh! Hold on.
Just 'cause your date is over doesn't mean mine is.
Oh, you online with your cyber-squeeze? Yeah.
We should double sometime.
I'll bring my laptop.
Wow, you and Rebecca have been dating for a while.
Seems like you guys are getting kind of serious.
Haskell's got a girlfriend? [laughs.]
Sorry, I didn't mean to sound so shocked.
You've got a girlfriend? What is so strange about that? In fact, we're on a date right now.
"How is the weather in Seattle?" Ah, so the girlfriend's from Seattle, huh? Yep.
So she comes here? Nope.
So he goes there? Nope.
Hang on.
Haskell, have you ever actually Been in the same room as your girlfriend? Nope.
But I spent 12 years in the same room With my ex-wife.
Trust me, it's overrated.
So, you've got this girlfriend, But all you do is sit around and video chat? No, no.
No video.
One can express oneself so much more intimately With just words.
I don't mean to pry, But how do you have sex? Oh, there's an app for that.
Oh, hey.
Listen, guys-- Oh, holly.
Holly.
Prepare to be weirded out.
Haskell's on a date with his virtual girlfriend.
Oh, Rebecca? Tell her I said hi.
All right, listen.
Um, there's a, uh, problem down in the laundry room And I need a man, phil.
Whoa, hey, hang on, hang on.
I mean, how come you automatically, you know, Go to Phil? He's not the only man here.
Okay, fine.
Um, there's a big, scary homeless man Down in the laundry room, And I need help booting him out.
You want to get that, Phil? Oh, I would, But I'd rather sit here and watch you squirm Like a scared little girl.
All right, butch, you're up.
[upbeat music.]
do-do do do do-do dee da do do do do That the homeless guy? No, Stuart, that's the party planner from 4c.
All right.
[clears throat.]
Don't worry, I got this.
Whoa.
That is one large bum.
It's go time, cupcake.
Listen, buddy.
This--uh, this laundry room is for tenants only, So I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.
Now, we can do this the hard way Or we can do it the easy way, And I, for one, am praying for the easy way.
I didn't mean to upset anyone.
I'll get out of here right away.
Sorry.
No, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to be such a bully.
You know what? Take your time.
And finish that spin cycle, Or you'll never get the wrinkles out.
What are you doing, Stuart? I'm showing something called compassion.
By the way, sir, I didn't catch your name.
My name's bob.
Hi, bob.
I'm Stuart.
This is holly.
We live here in this building.
Why don't you just tell him I live alone? Oh, great.
Now I just told him.
Just stop overreacting, okay? He's not a threat.
[scoffs.]
Uh, here you go, bob.
Thanks.
Why don't you just open him up a 401k? Listen, stranger.
Just finish with your business, And then you'd best be moving on.
When did I turn into the sheriff of tombstone? Hey! What are you doing barging in here? Can't you see I want to be alone with my lady? Sorry.
Sorry.
Didn't realize you were on a date.
Ah, you're stuck in here too, huh? Come on, man.
He's got a lady over.
All right, look.
I'm a pretty open-minded guy, okay? Man and woman.
Woman and woman.
Man and man.
It's all great.
Man and laptop? I'm not marching in that parade.
Oh, God! No! No! No! No! Haskell, is everything okay? Rebecca's flying into town tomorrow And she wants to see me.
Ah, well, it's about time.
What's wrong with that? I don't think she would recognize me From the picture I posted.
What'd you do? Put up an old picture of yourself? No, I put up a new picture Of you.
Haskell, why? Why would you put a picture up Of me and not yourself? Well, let's face it.
My male modeling days are over.
Sure, I might get some hand and foot work, But the pretty is gone.
Now we've got a big problem! What do you mean "we"? Well, she thinks I look like you, Which means you're gonna have to go on the date With her and tell her that you're me.
Even if I agreed to this, How am I gonna make it through a date? You guys know everything about each other.
I'll teach you.
I'll train you.
I'll become your sensei.
Before I'm done with you, You will eat, sleep, and breathe Haskell Lutz.
You trying to talk me into this or out of it? Phillip, I think these got mixed in With my laundry by mistake.
Um, they're mine.
Ooh.
Perfect, you can wear them on your date with Rebecca.
You're finally gonna meet Rebecca? Uh, Phil is.
Oh, no, Phil's not.
Check out what this genius did.
He posted my picture online instead of his, And now he wants me to pretend to be him.
Can you believe that? That's only fair.
What? You owe him.
Come on.
You think you're easy to live with? How many times has this guy had to deal with angry women Banging on the door because you never called them back? One of them kicked me in the crotch and said, "give this to phil.
" Fine.
One date.
Two drinks.
You're buying.
Oh, thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Aww, you guys worked it out.
I'm proud of you.
I'm raisin' me some fine boys here.
Now I'm talking like a widowed rancher.
Okay, Haskell Lutz pop quiz.
Rebecca and I share a common passion, which is? A love of astronomy.
I always wanted to be? An astronaut? Because? At a young age, you realized you loved space And had a gift for sitting on your ass For enormous periods of time.
Ahh.
I had the right stuff.
Just too much of it.
And Rebecca? She smells.
No! She's a perfumist.
Oh, right.
Right.
She creates scents.
Which reminds me.
Hey! Hey! It's the scent that Rebecca blended especially for me.
"summer Lutz.
" Oh, well, I smelled Lutz last summer.
It didn't smell anything like that.
Hey--ooh, nice-lookin', phil.
Yeah.
But no Phil here.
For the next two hours, I'm Haskell Lutz.
You sure you can pull this off? B.
S.
-Ing a woman and then sending her on her way? Yeah, you're good to go.
Stuart! Are you happy? You fed the cat, and it came back.
Homeless bob is down in the laundry room again.
Well, I'm not surprised.
Because the stains on his clothes are one thing, But there's no detergent strong enough to remove the stains Society puts on a man's soul.
Wow.
I can't remember the last time someone So completely wasted my time.
Go toss him! [gasps.]
Haskell! Rebecca! Rebecca.
The perfumist from Seattle.
[clears throat.]
okay.
[nervous laugh.]
I have to admit I'm a little nervous.
I was afraid that when we met in person It wouldn't be as special as what we have online.
The, uh, chemistry wouldn't be there.
Oh, but it is.
[both laugh.]
Yeah.
The chemistry is happening.
The atoms are mixing.
We got it going on.
[laughs.]
It's funny, Haskell.
You imagine how someone's gonna sound in person, And you're not it.
Oh, well, that's because, Rebecca, I'm also nervous.
As a matter of fact, I'm as nervous As that time in high school when I was a drum major And I accidentally led the marching band onto the freeway.
Which was a blessing in disguise, Because if you hadn't gotten kicked out of band, You would have never joined the diving team.
Haskell was a diver? [confused.]
led your team to state.
Shut up! Haskell, I'm getting a weird feeling.
Something doesn't feel right.
No, wait, no.
Look, Rebecca, can I be honest with you? Yeah.
Okay.
Okay.
Being here with you, Seeing you for the first time, I'm forgetting who I am.
[chuckles.]
yeah.
But sitting here with you, Holding your hands and looking into your eyes, I know this is right.
That is the sweetest thing you've ever said to me, Haskell rascal.
I don't know about you, But this rascal could use a drink.
Let's order our favorites.
Okay.
Okay.
UmYou know what? Why don't you order it? All right.
Two virgin lavender lilac martinis, please! Flowers and no alcohol.
Let's get this party started! Hi, holly.
Oh! Jeez-- Stuart, you scared the crap out of me.
Oh, sorry.
Sorry.
What are you doing here? How did you even get in? Oh, I used that emergency key you gave us.
Stuart, that key is only to be used If you haven't heard from me in a couple days And there's a horrific smell coming from underneath my door.
Well, trust me, I had a very good reason.
[water running.]
Is that my shower? Stuart, who's in my shower? Well, you see, Phil was tying up the bathroom Getting ready for his date.
Oh, my god.
Haskell's in my shower? No.
No.
No.
Of course not.
Homeless bob is.
What is he doing in my shower? Holly, I went downstairs to kick him out, We started talking.
You know, he got laid off, his wife left him, He lost his money, he-- look, he just-- He just needs a little help to get back on his feet.
I want him out of here, Stuart, And I want him out of here now.
Hello.
Hello yourself.
I hope I'm not imposing, okay? I'll just-- I'll just go get dressed.
No hurry.
No hurry at all.
Um, here you go, bob.
Actually, I-I bought you some new clothes.
I hope they're the right size.
Yeah, size big.
Thanks, Stuart.
You know, this is gonna help me get my life back on track.
Step one is looking good.
Big ol' check on step one.
Anyways, thank you both for your kindness.
I meant what I said about a new start.
I'm not gonna disappoint you.
Oh, god bless you, bob.
I mean, look at you.
You're out there.
You're starting a new life And keeping in terrific shape.
You are a very caring woman.
Oh.
You know, I don't mean to be forward, but I'm gonna be At that bar downstairs later, And I would love to buy you a drink.
Well, why don't you wear what you have on So I'll recognize you? Finally, you're back! You were a diver? [laughs.]
Forget about that.
Tell me about Rebecca.
What was she like? What did you talk about? What kind of scent did she wear? [sniffs.]
oh, my god.
Roses and hibiscus.
Stop sniffing me.
But the most important thing Is she believed you, right? Oh, absolutely, man.
She's on her way back to the airport right now.
In a couple of hours, you can go back To feeling up your laptop.
[sighs.]
That's all I ask.
[doorbell.]
Hi, is Haskell here? [knock at door.]
[groan.]
I'm sorry, but Haskell Lutz does live here, right? Yes.
Yes, he does.
Haskell.
He live here.
Can I come in? Of course! Come in, Rebecca.
How do you know my name? IKnow everything about you.
Haskell! He-he talks about you all the time.
I'm, uh-- I'm Phil, His handsome, devil may care, bed-hopping roommate.
So, uh, Phil, could you, Uh, get Haskell for me? Of course! Yes, uh, Haskell! You've got company! What? Man, I'm in the middle of-- Ha-ha-ha! Hey! Rebecca! I put you in a cab.
Why aren't you in a cab? I booked a later flight.
I realized I wasn't ready to leave After we kissed good-bye.
Kiss? There was a kiss? Uh, Phil, can I see you in the kitchen? Oh, hey.
You must be Rebecca.
Yes, and I'm Haskell.
I'm phil.
Am I still Stuart? Of course you are.
What are we gonna do? What are we gonna do? Okay, first, you need to calm down.
It's all your fault.
I never said to kiss her! What sweet nectar of the gods did her lips taste like? [groans.]
Oh, forget it! I don't want to know.
Just being near that woman is exquisite torture.
All right, I'm gonna take care of this.
Haskell rascal is gonna make sure That Rebecca gets back in that cab.
She used my nickname? She is my love, my life, my everything.
Now get her the hell out of here.
Hi, hi.
Hi, Eden.
Uh, holly? Why are you wearing a party-till-you-drop top With I've-given-up-hope sweatpants? Because there's this really gorgeous guy Waiting for me in the bar downstairs, But I'm having second thoughts.
About what? Which part to jump first? I'm sorry, I'm not getting the problem.
Well, you see, he's kind of the outdoorsy type.
H-he moves around a lot.
Okay.
He's homeless.
Well, what? Does he smell? Is he missing any teeth? Are his best friends not really there? No.
Then what are you waiting for? You need to pounce on that.
It's just that I'm torn.
I mean, I've always had this image of the kind of guy I should be with, and I-I don't ask for much, But a roof would be nice.
Holly, listen to me.
You're a single woman living in new York Who has the inside track on a hot, available guy.
I think it was a huge mistake you even told me.
You know, you're right.
Guys who live indoors haven't worked out so well.
Maybe it's time to widen the net.
I'm gonna go for it! Oh, yeah, you are! Wait till everyone at the office finds out Your drought's finally over.
I'm so happy, I don't even care If I lose the pool.
So this is the computer where all the magic happens.
The typing, the lols, the omgs.
You know, where we get online funky.
We don't need a computer, Haskell.
I'm right here.
Right next to you.
Hello.
Hello back.
Smiley wink.
[laughs.]
I love how you're shy, Haskell.
To tell you the truth, It brings out the bad girl in me.
[phone rings.]
Slowly move away from the woman on the couch.
I'm trying, man.
Haskell, we're finally together.
You and me.
This moment has been building up inside of me for months.
The wanting, the needing, The having to have you take me.
Take me now.
You got it, baby.
You son of a bitch! What the hell's going on here? I'll you what's going on.
That man is an impostor.
He is not Haskell Lutz! Are you crazy, of course he is! Yeah, are you crazy? Of course I am! Oh, really? Does he know that your favorite poem is ode to a nightingale, Which happens to be your favorite bird? Does he know that--that you cry when you watch comedies? That your favorite aunt has a fruit farm outside Spokane, Where your father proposed to your mother Under the watchful eye of a three-legged dog named Scotty? No, of course he doesn't.
And you know why? Because he isn't Haskell Lutz.
I am.
Oh, my god, you are Haskell.
Yes.
It's me.
I don't know what kind of sick game You two are playing, But I am out of here.
Wow.
So how'd Scotty lose his leg? Oh, bob! Thank god you're still here.
I'm sorry I was late.
I was just having these silly little thoughts Because of you being, you know, Roof-challenged.
But then I just thought, you know, why not Just give the guy a chance And look past all that? So here I am.
You know, I'm sorry, holly.
I-I met somebody else.
Wha-- When? While I was waiting for you.
But it was only 20 minutes! Eden was right.
I had the inside track.
I should have pounced! I should have pounced! Look, holly, you're a great girl, okay? I got some friends I can introduce you to.
My buddy, scratch, is single.
Please, I'm not that desperate.
Have him stop by the laundry room.
Hi, Rebecca? You again? Just give me a minute, and then I'll walk away.
Okay.
Rebecca, I am so sorry about what happened.
About deceiving you.
It's just that the relationship we had Was so special to me That I was afraid to lose it.
It was special to me too.
Haskell, the man I met online Was a sweet, sensitive, smart, wonderful man.
I am! I'm that guy.
I'm sorry, but you lied about who you were for five months.
I don't know how I could ever trust you again.
I just wish you would have believed in yourself.
Wait a minute.
Are you saying that if I used my own picture, You and I would have happened? Well, now we'll never know.
I'm sorry, man.
Yep.
I'm sorry too.
You're not the only one who had a bad night.
Holly got dumped by homeless bob.
I should have pounced.
I should have pounced!