The Fast Show s01e04 Episode Script

Please release me, let me go, for I don't love you anymore.
Her lips are warm while yours are cold, release me my darling, let me go! It's an hour before dawn, and Elsa Richardson has already been to meet the returning fishing fleet.
Elsa is head of the Marine Research department at Durham university.
I'm the head of Marine Research at Durham university.
She has spent the last six years investigating pollution in the North Sea.
I've spent the last six years investigating pollution in the North Sea.
These fish, from this morning's catch, all display the symptoms of mercury poisoning.
These fish, from this morning's catch, all display the symptoms of mercury poisoning.
As you can see from the state of the gills Er, I'm sorry.
As you can see by the state of the gills Sorry.
As you can see by the You go first.
As you can see by the state of the gills that the fish suffer from - Fishing industry here in the north of England has been… I'm sorry, I thought you'd finished.
As you can see by the state of the gills, these fishare suffering - Although, to tell you the truth, I'm not really interested in fish.
So why don't you push off.
As you can see by the state of the gills You haven't got any friends, have you? just fish I thought so.
Elsa Richardson is a sad, and lonely woman.
Her only friends are fish, and she has a fat arse.
I heard that! There now follows an advertisement for "northern" types.
D'you like cheese? D'you like peas? Well, you'll love these: Cheezy peaz! A combination of cheese an' peas to form cheezy peaz! They're great for your teas! Come on, mam, think cheese, Think peas, Think cheezy peaz! It's easy-peasy with cheezy peaz! Pleeease! Mornin' Sarge, rough night was it? Oh, don't rub it in, Bob, you know I hate this mornin' shifts.
Wanna cup o' tea? No, I think I need somethin' a bit stronger.
Mornin' Sarge, mornin' Bob.
Mornin' Tennison.
Listen, er, any news on your posting? Yeah.
I'm moving to the Fraud Squad next month.
Food Squad? Brilliant.
Fraud Squad.
Oh, right.
How about you? Yeah, I start with the, Frying Squad, next week.
Super.
Here Bob, come here a moment, would you? Guv? - I need a hand with a "case" I'm workin' on.
Drugs? Cheers! You ain't seen me, right? Aren't kids brilliant these days? They're 'appy just sittin' 'round playin' video games.
You don't 'ave to worry about 'em gettin' run over, or owt! Fantastic! When I were a kid, I used to get dead bored.
Huh! Me dad used to say, when he were a kid all I needed were a bit o' string.
Then he'd 'it us 'round the 'ead.
Brilliant.
Fantastic.
Aren't shops brilliant? Cos if you want summink, no matter what it is, you can get it in a shop like a magazine, or anything.
Even some milk.
Or Cheesy Peas.
Aren't Cheesy Peas brilliant? They're a combination of cheese and peas to form Cheesy Peas.
Brilliant.
An' y'know, if we din't 'ave shops, we wun't be able to buy 'em.
You wun't be able to buy owt! An' we'd all prob'ly die, an' that would be terrible, wun't it? Aren't pavements brilliant? Cos if you think about it, right, if we din't 'ave em, everywhere'd be just one big road.
An' we'd prob'ly keep gettin' run over all the time an' we'd all die.
That'd be terrible, wun't it? I mean, really terrible.
In't the sky brilliant? I mean, where does it end? Fantastic! I just swallowed a fly.
Brilliant! The survival skills of the Aborigine are famous throughout the world, and Duncan Hooper here has relied on these skills for all the twenty years he's spent prospecting in the outback.
Duncan, g'day to ya, mate! G'day to ya, Carl! Right, you're gonna show us some of these skills now, I believe.
That's right, mate.
Well, as you can imagine, the, er, primary problem in the desert is thirst, right? An' many times my life's been saved by one o' these little fellahs, here.
Yeah? Now, that's a honey fly, mate.
Right.
And if you look here, there's a little sac… Yeah.
on his back there, and that contains some honey, or common nectar, from which Can we see that on the camera, there? You see it? Right, OK.
The, the little pod there? An' if you give it a little squeeze mate, you get a nice little drink out of it.
That's great.
I know! D'you wanna give it a go? Oh, no, not me mate! Go on, mate, have a try! Well, OK.
Just give it a little squeeze.
Just that bit here? That's right.
Right, well here goes nothing.
Oh, that's disgusting! That tastes foul! Ah, huh, sorry mate, I've given you the wrong fly.
This is actually a shit fly.
Bloody shift it! Shift it, cloth ears! Go on! Ya daft bastard! Cuh! Was that our lad on, earlier? Was he? He was, wanne? Daft bugger wi' stupid 'at on, sayin' "everything's brilliant, everything's brilliant".
Well, it's not.
It's not brilliant.
It's not brilliant, it's rubbish.
Everybody knows that.
Rubbish.
Answerphones? They're rubbish.
People who've got them? They don't know what side o' the bloody bed they were buttered on.
Rubbish! Absolute rubbish! Telephones? They're rubbish an' all.
Telephones? If you've got somethin' to say, say it to their face! Bloody rubbish! All this is bloody rubbish.
'olidays? They're rubbish.
You go on 'oliday abroad, it's rubbish.
You stay 'ere an' 'ave a 'oliday, it's always bloody rubbish.
I tell ya what else is rubbish: pop music.
Take That? Take That? Take what? They're rubbish! East 17? They're bloody rubbish an' all.
East 17 Abba are makin' a come-back? They were bloody rubbish in the first place! Everything all right for the shoot on Saturday, Ted? Ah, yes, oi think so, sir.
I've booked all the bit.
And Clive's leg all right? He'll be all roight, sir.
No worries.
Good.
Good.
And, er and Ted… do you think you could wear the green overalls? The green overalls, sir? If it's no bother.
Oh, it's not a problem, sir.
Oi'll have to get Mrs Ted to give 'em a bit of a wash.
Oi got a little bit of oil on them, tinkerin' with the tractor the other day.
Yes.
Yes, I remember that.
You definitely wanted the green overalls, sir? Yes.
Yes, I think so.
Yes.
Er why would that be, then, sir? Ooh, er I just think they rather suit you, Ted.
Well, I, erm ooh, I-I shouldn't have come down here like this, Ted.
I'm terribly sorry, interrupting you while you were working, and, erm, dictating to you what you must wear.
Er, you-you must wear what you like.
Erm I'll leave you, I'll leave you in peace.
Damn it! It's not a problem, sir.
It's not a problem.
Take your time, madam, there's no rush.
You ain't seen me, right? I was thinkin' o' gettin' one o' those new C-class Mercedes.
Nah, you don't wanna get one o' them, they're rubbish! You wanna get yerself a Jeep.
One o' them Cherokee Jeeps.
Plenty o' family car, you get six kids an' a dog in the back o' one o' them, no trouble.
Ain't that big, Dave.
No, they're not really, when you get a look at 'em.
No.
Sort of a bit pokey really, ain't they? 'ere, all right for a fam'ly o' midgets an' a chihuahua, eh? Huh.
Eh, you wanna get yerself one o' them C-class Mercedes, they're unbeatable.
Yeah, they're not as good as a BMW, Dave.
'at's what I mean.
No, nuffing's as good as a BMW, is it? German's 'ave got it taped, ain't they? Brilliant safety record.
Unbeatable.
I don't think they're as safe as a Saab.
No, well nothing's as safe as a Saab, is it? Swedes 'ave got it taped, ain't they? Worrabout those new Jap cars? Some o' those are pretty safe.
Oh, don't be ridiculous! Er, no, yeah, some o' them Jap cars are great, ain't they? I mean, ain't they? I dunno anymore.
Calm down, Dave, 'ave anuvver drink.
Nah, I'm goin' 'ome.
I've gotta get 'ome.
Oh, behave, Dave.
It's only 'alf nine, 'ave another pint.
Is it? Yeah, all right, yeah, go on then, I'll 'ave a pint.
Pint o' what? - Carlsberg.
Carlsberg? - No, no, no, no, not Carlsberg, no, no, no, no way, no.
Guinness.
Yeah, I'll 'ave a Guiness.
What about one o' those new ciders? Yeah! No! Short? - Yeah, I'll 'ave a short.
No! Dave, 'ave whatever you want, mate! I don't know what I want! The timeless beauty of the Pennines, unchanged for hundreds of years.
A place of peace and tranquility.
Where the sounds of nat… Oh, surely not.
Hello, there.
We're now going to see a piece of film set in the First World War.
And this really was a very, very sad time for everyone, including me.
I was the youngest private ever to fight for the British Army.
And although the guns wasn't as modern, believe you me, those bullets still hurt.
Now, I'm gonna read you a poem that I writ at the time, and it really does evoke a terrible memory for me.
The ghastly damp trenches and the gunfire, the mustard gas, the starchy uniforms… Erm, it's quite sad, but then, it was a sad time, really.
It's simply entitled, "Arnhem Days".
You all right, Taffy? Yes, sir.
Don't worry about me, sir.
Actually, tell you the truth, sir, it's my first time in combat.
There was a first time for all of us once, Taffy.
Even me, believe it or not.
Sir, you know what it feels like, then, sir? I mean it's… In fact, I'm bloomin' terrified, sir.
It's just the not knowing, isn't it? Republicca presente totalla bien cantesera Chanel Nine! Bono estente.
- Bono estente.
Haa Naya neus, aujourdo.
Phhht! Nada.
Nayo occurencia hortorto.
Naya nieuws politica, naya militaria phhht! Nada happendidos! Apologios.
Poutremos? Er Kolothos? Chris Waddle? Poutremos! - Sporta? Antonios? Bono estente.
E resultos sporting at weekend.
Bobsleigh: Et Team Sporting Bobsleigh (Republica), tuto morte, accidento bizarro.
Ballbasket: Et Team Sporting Ballbasket (Republica), tuto morte, accidento bizarro.
Atletico: Et Team Sporting Atletico (Republica), tuto morte, accidento bizarro.
Eh, eh, eh, eh, Antonios! - Eh? E vera tuto morte? Nyah, mio joko.
Naya sporting neus.
Tedioso.
Poula, meteorologicos? Fffff! Scorchio.
Y manyana? Scorchio.
OK.
Messago sponsoro.
Beneres? Nikko fuerto tippo magico, te "auto-gizmo".
Novello proboscis multo multo kinagrophos.
Tefaselos action-pumpo! Vo, tidiaka mit fon shoni veronico.
Zo, nea shopping, nea collo, te "auto-gizmo".
Ow-auto-gizmo! Se a lamores ches? Se a lamores pes? Tule munto munto pour les chesy-pes! Combinazione ton ches y pes.
Hoopla! Chesy-pes! Oncore, naya neus.
Kolothos? Nada.
Aah.
- Er boutros, boutros ghali.
Boutros, boutros ghali.
Eh, Poutremos, beach, beachy? Splash, splashy? Eh? Poula? Antonios? El beach? Y laddos? Antonios? No, drinko.
Neither my sister nor I eat vegetables.
We like them! But we don't eat them.
Yes! Yes! We're from the Isle of Man.
See this? It's an F.
A.
Cup Final ticket.
Though knowin' my luck, they'll prrob'ly cancel t' game.
So ah've decided not t' risk it.
Ahm just goin' t' sit 'ere, with a nice glass o' beer, an' watch it on t' telly.
Ohhh, bugger! I'll get me coat.
It was me, actually! We took four laboratory mice, and for six days exposed them to Mozart's "Clarinet Quintet".
After the six days was over, we then placed an actual clarinet inside the cage with the mice, to see if the mice had grasped the subtle nuances of classical music.
The results were disappointing.
Next time, we will feed and water the mice.
Now, Dave, with a sideways look at deoxyribonucleic acid.
Dave.
Why can't, why can't I just say "DNA", it's so hard, that, y'know.
Oh, we've just come back from Paris, in France, haven't we, Roy? We got off the train, I said, "Oh! It's so Parisienne.
" What did I say, Roy? It's so Parisienne.
I mean, French cuisine, it's the best in the world.
Y'know, the chips are so thin an' crispy.
I said, "Roy, we'll come 'ere again".
What did I say, Roy? We'll come 'ere again.
I mean, we had some trouble at the hotel, y'know.
We'd booked a room with a bath, an' when we got there it were a shower.
Y'know, I said, Roy, call the concierge.
What did I say, Roy? Call the concierge.
Which is French, for "hotel-porter-man".
Y'know, but Roy, he will not take a shower.
He will not take a shower.
Cos of 'is legs.
Why won't you take a shower, Roy? Cos o' me legs.
So the concierge came down, y'know, he couldn't have been nicer, no.
He pretended not to understand at first, like they do, an' I had to look it up in the bilingual book, what a word for a "bath" was, an' it was bain.
What was it, Roy? Bain.
So they moved us to a room with a bain, and no bloody view from the fenetre.
I don't know, we're back in England, I can't stop talking French! And so, I said, "Roy, we won't let it spoil our holiday".
What did I say, Roy? Do you want a Kit-Kat? No, he doesn't want any Kit-Kat, Roy! Hi, I'm Ed Winchester.
Tide's gone out, Ed! Darn.
Manchester United? Blackburn Rovers? Wolverhampton Wanderers? Sheffield Wednesday? The Arsenal? Isn't it? Tottenham Hotspur? Preston Northend? Charlton Athletic? Crystal Palace? West Ham United? Mmm? Reassuring names, aren't they? When you're listening in some far flung corner of the globe to the World Service on a Saturday afternoon? Crackly reception? Interference? Cosy? Marvellous.
Ooh, result! Four-fourty-five? Grandstand? Isn't it? Highlights on Match of the Day? Somehow comforting, isn't it, you know? Legendary names? Tony Gubba! Fathers and sons, on the terraces? Cheesy Peas at half time? Pipe for Dad, Mum's at home making the tea.
Everything's all right with the world, isn't it? Saturday afternoons? It's football.
Mmm? You ain't seen me, right! they really were a pair of tasty birds, if a little tough.
Nowthere'sexcuse me really not much to choose between these two guns in terms of action and accuracy, but you you will notice a marked difference in weight.
The gun The gun on my left, here, the, er, the the Boxlot is the gun on my left here, the the Boxlotthe Boxlot the gunon my left, here The gunon my left here, The boxlot is… The gun on my left…the gun on… Right, day six, the Hill.
The Hill.
The Hill.
Now, this baby behind me's gone an incline of one-in-three.
It is a truly monster hill.
Then it's twenty miles across some of the roughest terrain this side of the Gobi Desert.
That's right across this old Army Training Ground.
And I can assure you Lindsay, there are some mega stonking craters there.
Excellentio! One-in-three, you say? Child's play.
Won't even have to change down.
Ok, let's off-road! Bloody map! I can't find first, Si.
Huh! See you in the pub later, Baz! See you, Baz! Let's rock! I think it's, er, a bit steep, actually, Si.
Er, right.
Er, plan B.
Oh, yeah, er, plan B.
Might be simpler if we went 'round.
We'll go 'round, Baz.
Dolphins? Whales? What's that about? What's that about, dolphins and whales? Who gives a monkeys? It's all rubbish! The "green issue"? The "ozone layer"? Rubbish, that's what it is.
Absolute rubbish.
Then you've TV, what oi, what 'ave you got, TV? Four channels, right? Well, that's rubbish for a start.
Then you've got the news, that's borin', that's rubbish.
Then you've got entertainment, like nothin', which isn't entertainin'! That's rubbish! Then you've got sports and sport's no good, now.
So, I mean, that's rubbish.
So, I mean, you know, TV Rubbish! I thought I heard a voice cry… Sleep no more! Macbeth does murder sleep… Innocent sleep… sleep… that knits up… the ravelled sleeve… of care.
I'll be all right, it's all right, you go on.
The death… The death… Don't mind me! The death of each day's… life.
Just another tickle.
Go on, I'm all right now.
Sore labour That's got it! I wear a layer of silver foil beneath my clothing.
I'm from the Isle of Man, as well.
Come! Is this physiotherapy? Ah, Mr.
Green.
You ever 'ad any physiotherapy before? No.
- Brilliant! Perhaps you'd like to just pop up 'ere on this bed then, and tell me what the problem is.
Well, it's my right leg.
I was playin' football last week, and I twisted it.
It's really painful.
Well, you see the thing about muscles is, they're all connected.
The problem may be in your back.
But, it's manifestin' itself in your leg.
What I need to do, is a little bit of what we call manipulation.
I see.
I'm glad he does, I dunno what I'm talkin' about! Complete load of bollocks! Now then, I'm goin' to pull you about a bit, an' some of the things I'm goin' to do to you might just hurt a little.
So, don't be surprised at all.
All right, Doc, do your worst.
Now then, you probably felt a little bit of pain when I did that, did you? Yeah! I thought you might.
What about this, then? Oh, now that's lookin' a little bit worse than when you came in.
Would you like to get up now, and face away from me? Now… feel a bit tight, does it? Yes! A little bit of pain in the old arm? Yes! Stop! An' you thought it was all in your leg! Right, now, sit down 'ere.
Now then, you'll probably feel a little bit of pain in the next few days after you leave here.
In fact, you'll probably feel totally crippled.
But, that is only to be expected.
Because I'm not even remotely qualified to be doin' this job I'm a complete fraud.
That was spectacular! Roger, delta, tango, whisky, walnut whip… Mars bar, popcorn, corn chips, lager, bitter, fags, chocolate buttons… Any biscuits? I'll ask him.
Biscuits? I said, I'll ask him.
Got any biscuits? Hi, I'm Ed Winchester.
Tides come in, Ed! Darn.
Ted, I Ted, I… I I just wanted to say I am I'm sorry.
No, no, it's my fault, sir.
then there's films.
Films! What choice 'ave you got, these days? What, what can you go an' see? You go t' pictures, you go to one o' them massive places wi' twelve different screens.
Twelve! Twelve screens they've got! An' what're they showin'? Twelve screens of rubbish! Absolute, bloody rubbish! Don't miss on next week's show, "The Insecure Woman.
" Look, does my bum look big in this? Do these earrings make me look fat? Can you see my tits from here? Are they a bit saggy? Can you see that my tummy's fat from here? Do I look all, do I look all right? Does the jacket hide it? 'K.
Does, does, d'you think my hair looks crap like this? Should I have my fringe, like, over my face? Perhaps a bit longer? Should I have all my hair cut off? Will it make me look fatter? Will I look like a pinhead with a big fat bum? Does my bum look or is the jacket covering it? Anyone fancy a pint?