The Franchise (2024) s01e04 Episode Script

- (TRAILER ENGINE REVVING)
- (ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYING)
- Here it comes.
- (TRAILER BRAKES HISSING)
Cameo day. Many Man is dropping in
to sprinkle us with his fuckdust.
Mmm. Big yummy lines of fuckdust.
This cameo is our lifeline, Dag.
The main artery into the
heart of the franchise,
and we need to suck it dry.
Yeah! Suck that artery, bitches.
Maestro? Oats to go. Giddy up.
Daniel, chill out.
We could do this scene
backwards and in heels.
Eye, Tecto, enter Many Man.
A fight, but then a conversation.
- But then a fight.
- Yes.
Hey, guys.
Looking forward to working
with a genuine A-lister today.
Yeah, I Maybe I'll learn something.
- Yeah. (CHUCKLES)
- DAG: Uh, Adam?
Sorry, I think your brain
might be leaking from your nose.
Oh, no, it's it's French Blue.
It's just eye drops, you
know, to make them baby blues
pop on on screen.
They have competition
today, so, yeah. (CHUCKLES)
It's true. Many Man.
Very fuckable eyes.
Adam, we're gonna get
you cleaned up, okay?
ADAM: Yeah! Yeah, yeah.
ANITA: Daniel, why is there antifreeze
leaking out of Adam's nose?
Adam's nose is fully
under our control, Anita.
- We have this.
- Yeah, hope so.
'Cause in a way, it's the only scene
in the film that matters, isn't it?
A more famous hero from a bigger movie
turns up for three
minutes and then leaves.
- Well, no
- Absolutely, a hundred percent.
DAG: So incredibly
cynical, which I love.
DANIEL: Let's finish
hooding the Many Man clones,
we're seconds away.
- Many Man incoming.
- Oh, God.
It's like meeting the Pope.
If the Pope were cut,
and could self-replicate,
which he cannot.
Hey, everybody, so
Who's ready to get gurgly?
(GURGLES)
Um, guys? That ain't Many Man.
Daniel, who the fuck is this? Please?
(UPBEAT ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYING)
(MUSIC CONCLUDES)
Anita, where the fuck is Many Man?
I don't know, Dan, and
that is why my eyeballs
are sliding from my skull.
I have real-time Pat.
"Emergency reshoots. Many
Man is needed elsewhere."
Pat would like us to make
use of the Gurgler instead.
- God, no.
- Pardon my ignorance.
The Gurgler?
DANIEL: The worst Centurio in the team.
Even worse than the one who just
flicks bottle caps really hard.
- That's just plain rude.
- Excuse me, but he gurgles?
Yeah, it's his power.
He hawks up toxic mucus.
- Throat-based proton blobs.
- God, these stories are so rich.
I rearranged everything, my entire life,
for the fucking Gurgler,
Anita. What is happening?
Can we internalize our panic?
Internalizing panic, please, folks.
ANITA: Look, he's here
now, and he's the talent,
so let's pre-vis our happy faces
and go tell the man we hate
how much we love him. Mm-hmm?
Kyle. Hi, hi. Anita, producer.
I just wanted to say we
are just delighted to hear
- that you're going to be cameo-ing for us.
- Mm-hmm. (LAUGHS)
I mean, it's almost like
Christmas came early, right?
Like Christmas came gurgly.
- (FORCED LAUGHTER)
- Relax, relax.
I know that you guys
were expecting Many Man
and then I show up, creepy
little gurgle pervert.
- (MUMBLING IN DISAGREEMENT)
- Everyone hates the Gurgler.
It's totally cool. I don't give a shit.
Oh, no. There's a lot
of love for the Gurgler.
Shane loves your work. We really does.
Oh, this is the team.
Uh, lawyer, manager, assistant, and
This is my dad, Steve.
Oh.
- Such a pleasure meeting you.
- Likewise.
I'm fucking with you. This is my agent.
I have no idea what his name is.
Kyle? What are you doing here?
- Hey! Adam. I'm your cameo.
- (CHUCKLES)
- KYLE: What's up, bro?
- ADAM: Yeah. Wow.
Oh, you know each other? Great.
Yeah, we, um, we were
on a show together.
A sitcom.
- Brad and Butter.
- ADAM: Brad and Butter.
Oh, God.
Early 2000s, about the two brothers.
The hot one and
- (CHUCKLES)
- The fat one, yeah.
- I used to be fucking huge.
- No.
Lost the weight the old-fashioned way.
- (RETCHES)
- (UNCOMFORTABLE CHUCKLING)
Anyway, Brad and Butter.
Brad the hot one, Butter the fat one.
Butter would eat so
much food every episode
that he would shit his pants.
That was one episode. It was
It was a Ha Halloween special
and it Uncle Frank's chili.
- (LAUGHS) The whole thing.
- Yeah. Whatever.
I don't even fucking
remember. It doesn't matter.
It was a great show,
and we were brothers.
Yeah, we were.
Are you still playing
golf with your mom?
Sometimes, yeah.
Aw, that's so nice. (CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
Yeah, she still gave you a
couple strokes beforehand?
Sorry, who's this?
Ah, Adam was just ranking all the races
in order of sexual attractiveness.
- No, I wasn't, though, but
- You have excellent energy.
- Peter Fairchild.
- Nice to meet you.
- Genuine fan.
- PETER: Charmed.
Okay, you guys got it
from here. See you later.
Bryson, quickly.
Okay, shall we stagger
through what we have?
- ADAM: Mm-hmm.
- Yes?
Little throat clearer. (GURGLES)
- (QUIETLY) Fuck me.
- KYLE: Trademark gurgle.
ERIC: Okay, this is Tom and Benji.
Our new gag writers.
Punch up. Little bit of
zip, little bit of sparkle.
(SOFTLY) Mm-hmm.
Jaz, uh, can I have the
Reality Crystal, please?
ADAM: (INHALES SHARPLY) Wow.
- KYLE: Wow.
- PETER: Oh, wow.
- Adam's cosmic butt plug.
- (LAUGHS)
Can he stay forever? I'm serious.
I'm at LOL. Borderline ROFL.
This is so beautiful.
- It It almost looks real.
- It is real.
It's an actual real crystal.
Mined from a mine by miners.
Miners, not minors. We hope.
No CGI. Mm-mm.
This is reality.
It's the realest thing in my movie.
Maybe in any movie.
Yeah, it's beautiful.
It's beautiful, Eric.
Should we say grace? Uh,
nose clips on. (SNIFFS)
Let's eat shit.
- Amen.
- Amen.
- Thanks, Peter. And
- (ADAM BREATHES SHARPLY)
ERIC: action.
A crystal blacker than
a million black holes.
The Reality Crystal.
We are but ants
to the infinite power of restorcium.
Resourcium. Without the T.
Made of resourcium.
- That's what I said, restorcium.
- Resourcium.
No, that that that's not right.
It's a made-up word, Peter.
I made it up.
Yes, but you're mispronouncing it.
Uh, not to split hairs,
but Shane does have
his own pronunciation.
- Of my fucking word?
- Correct. It's resour-see-um.
- STEPH: Resourcium.
- BRYSON: Resour-see-um.
- Resourcium.
- (BOTH) Re-sore-cium.
- There's no T, Peter.
- (OVERLAPPING PRONUNCIATIONS)
Rizz or semen?
See, you're all saying
it slightly differently.
I'm gonna jump off a house.
Okay, fuck it. Let's just riff one.
What do you mean, riff?
B.F.O.G.T., Big Fight Over Glowy Thing.
I've shot this scene
three times in two years.
I grab the crystal from turtledick.
ADAM: Please don't call me turtledick.
Blah, blah, blah, bullshit, bullshit.
I hope you're writing this down.
Yes, then, bam! Fighty,
fighty, grabby, grabby.
Whoop! Yoinks!
Careful. It's a very rare crystal.
This? This onyx ballsack?
It's very rare. And it's my subtext.
And I'd like it back.
Yeah, go on, Kyle. Give
Eric his subtext back.
Okay, I'm sorry. Here's your subtext.
- ERIC: Kyle
- Oh! And then there's this.
Do you mind?
Please don't sabotage my film.
All right. I'll go put the crystal back.
Relax, okay?
ERIC: Thank you.
- (ZIPPER CLOSES)
- DANIEL: Eric, shall we take five?
(CLEARS THROAT) All right. Hey, Adam.
- What?
- Did you see they made some anime of our two characters?
- ADAM: What?
- Yeah.
- That's cool.
- It's them fucking.
Okay, that's not cool, actually.
And on go the spectacles.
KYLE: Yeah. You wanna see it?
That's dumb. And it
doesn't look like me.
- Oh, come on, turtledick.
- (LAUGHS)
ADAM: And don't call me turtledick.
Stay
Oh, that is great. Oh,
that is so depraved.
(FOREBODING MUSIC PLAYING)
STEPH: The Gurgler.
That is the worst surprise cameo
since my neighbor fell
through my garden fence.
Eric, mate, this is your
movie. You need to push back.
I feel like every time
I find a hill to die on,
I end up dying on it, and
then I'm just dead on a hill.
And I cannot keep recovering
his body from that hill, Daniel.
Uh, Eric, question on the mollusk.
- Hello again.
- Ah, Mollusk.
(CHUCKLES) Finger bowls
at the ready, girls.
For the new body mold,
we will need to shave him.
Yeah, obviously.
Tip-to-toe wet shave,
pin him to a stand gurney,
plaster of Paris for four hours.
Drinking straws up
his nose for breathing.
However, getting married on Saturday.
Ah!
Would prefer hair for his wedding.
(SIGHS)
Firstly, congratulations.
Thank you. I'm thrilled.
Her name's Jules.
Oh. Jules.
Can we hold off shaving him till Monday?
The schedule's already
in danger of capsizing.
It would really help us if
we could get shaving today.
Agreed. Let's see how
Jules likes him bald.
Okay.
Monday's fine.
- Postpone the shaving.
- Oh, thank you, thank you.
Hairy. Hairy on my wedding day.
Congratulations.
What? It's his fucking wedding.
How about we preserve some humanity
for the shellfish man?
I want my set to run on positive vibes.
No, you're right. It's nice to be nice.
So, Props are freaking the fuck out.
They can't find the Reality Crystal.
What do you mean?
We think the cameo man
might have taken it.
Or maybe it was Iran. (LAUGHS)
Sorry, um Unhelpful joke.
Daniel, have the Centurios
stolen my Reality Crystal?
- DANIEL: On it as always.
- (ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYING)
They stole my fucking prop.
And they're supposed
to be the good guys?
What a bunch of cunts.
KYLE: Poor turtledick.
- Half-melted fuckdoll.
- (PETER LAUGHS)
Has his mother wrote his birthday card?
- (KNOCKING AT DOOR)
- (KYLE AND PETER LAUGHING)
Come in!
Oh, hi. You asked to see me?
Hey, Steph. Close the door
Close the door, please.
How do you feel about, um
pulling some lines for me?
You know, from from old drafts?
- Lines?
- ADAM: Yeah, like comebacks.
Quips. Quip backs, you know,
just some razzes. (LAUGHS)
Kyle likes to riff, so
STEPH: Oh! Improvisation. Improv.
It's bullshit.
ADAM: So he was doing
this bit on me earlier.
I ordered my lunch,
and, like, he replaced my
chicken salad with batteries
from the walkie-talkie. So
when my lunch came, he was like,
"Oh, if you wanted chicken,
why did you order the batteries?"
And I said, that is uncalled
for and I didn't like it.
And then he just kept going with the bit
and it was like non-consensual.
It was like it was
like non-consensual improv.
And everyone was laughing.
Oh, sweetie.
And then he said the
safeword was "yes, and."
I said it, and I know it's a bit,
but he just kept going, so
What is that guy's prob? Lem? Problem.
- What (MUTTERS)
- ADAM: Can you help me?
(CHUCKLES) Be my cornerman?
Get me ready for improv?
Adam, I would be honored,
honored to be your cornerperson.
- Yes?
- (LAUGHS) Yeah.
And I'm gonna fill your
head so full of jokes,
they're gonna call you
the, um (CLICKS TONGUE)
You know. Um
You jo joky (LAUGHS)
They'll call me
- the (GARBLES)
- STEPH: Um
You know, joke man. (SPLUTTERS, GROANS)
Jumping Jack Joker.
The J No.
No, I it's it's
harder than it looks.
I'm gonna, um Okay.
Anyway, I'm on it.
I'm on it like, um (CLICKS TONGUE)
you know, like a Okay, bye.
(INTENSE MUSIC PLAYING)
BRYSON: Welcome to Centurios
2. Put these on, please.
ERIC: Do you think they make Werner
Herzog wear these shoe covers?
Uh, yes. Actually, yes. I think they do.
Look, just tell them we
want to trade in our cameo
for someone else. Anyone else.
Blue Anchovy. Hailstone. Mr. Pencil.
Navigate a complex
piece of studio diplomacy
with shower caps on my feet. Got it.
Tentpole set. Get your geek on.
(DOOR BUZZES)
(EPIC MUSIC PLAYING)
(INDISTINCT FILM CREW CHATTER)
DAG: Wow.
Oh, my God. It's so massive and golden.
It's like a Saudi
Arabian car dealership.
ERIC: Four Technocranes?
It's like Jurassic Park,
but for Technocranes.
One day all of this will be mine.
- Sorry, what was that?
- Nothing.
PAT: Ah, there they are!
Team Tecto, the real heroes!
Shoe covers. Forget those. Huh?
Give your feet a treat.
By order of the Fun Stick.
- Fun Stick? - Yeah,
Uncle Pat's Fun Stick.
Part of our vibe.
One big sandbox of creativity and joy.
That was very fun.
Yeah. Come on, who wants
to take a swing at me?
Huh? Anita? Eric? Come on.
I will. (LAUGHS)
(LAUGHS) Thank you,
I really enjoyed that.
I'm sorry, what's your name again?
Dagmara Nwaeze, N-W-A-E-Z-E.
We've actually met
before, several times.
Well, I'm gonna remember you now.
Great. (CHUCKLES)
Pat, two things.
First up, uh, can you connect
Eric with your director?
Who, Xan? Xan the Man?
Nah, Xan's in his
tower, in the tone zone.
ERIC: Xan has a tower?
PAT: Xan is directing our tentpole,
he gets whatever he wants.
Well, at the risk of
sounding like Eric's mom,
uh, there is a prop
that went missing from our
set, and he would like it back.
- Isn't that right, Eric?
- That is correct, Anita, yes.
I heard about this.
A joke, I think, between productions.
- (FORCED CHUCKLE)
- Hey, toss me that paperweight.
Hey, be careful. That's a rare mineral.
It's genuinely Ugandan.
Now, listen, we're one big family here,
so anything we can do
to help, anything at all.
Could you give me another Technocrane?
I don't think so. Mango cup?
- ANITA: Pat, can I have a sec?
- PAT: Huh?
Yeah.
Are you fucking me?
The Gurgler? The fucking Gurgler?
I know. It was either him
or the one who flicks
bottle caps really hard.
I feel like my movie, the movie
that you talked me into taking,
is becoming a refugee
camp for displaced IP.
All right, listen.
Xan the Man is an obnoxious,
spiky-haired asshole,
and this movie is totally
fucking over budget.
Centurios is?
Yeah, why do you think I'm
out here with the Fun Stick?
I'm a clown in the kiddie ward, Anita,
keeping morale up while
the blood tests roll in.
Yeah, well, Tecto isn't
exactly Bergman either, huh?
Berg Man? Which one's Berg Man?
The iceberg guy?
I need a cameo, Pat.
I need him bankable and fuckable.
I'm sorry, I can't do it, all right?
I know it's a heavy load,
but if you could
swallow that load for me,
I'd take it as a huge personal favor.
Already swallowing.
Sorry, uh, what is this?
Oh, I showed Xan your little crystal
and he liked it.
So he copied it, and
made it bigger and better,
and he's putting it in his movie.
ERIC: His movie?
The one that's being released
immediately before mine?
Exactly.
Fun Stick. Knock yourself out.
Okay, Xan, the floor is yours.
XAN: Lining up,
everybody. And let's fuck!
(MUSIC CONCLUDES)
Good bit of mango, to be fair.
I fought for us as hard as I could,
but sometimes in movies, as in life,
you've just got to suck shit.
Yeah, no, totally. Thanks for trying.
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING)
Eric, here's the facts.
Anita's not on our side,
the studio's organ-farming us,
and pretty soon, all you're going to be
is an appendix in a bucket.
Is that what you want?
I don't want to be
anything in a bucket, no.
Then stand up. Be a difficult man.
Oh, he can be difficult. Believe.
You know that time
when we ordered takeaway
and you assumed rice was included.
- Should have been more clear.
- So be more difficult.
Locate your temper.
Because good vibes don't
make good movies, Eric.
If it was me, I'd tell
our art department,
blow Centurios 2 out of
the water, whatever it takes.
Make them work all
night if necessary, okay?
Yes. Brief the art department.
I want a new crystal.
But even bigger. And sparklier.
"If you win, you need
not have to explain."
Exactly. Who said that?
It's a good t-shirt.
Hitler. It was Hitler.
Fun fact, also a very difficult man.
Hey.
Uh, hey, can you put this in
the car? I'll meet you there.
- Of course.
- Thanks. Thanks.
Yeah, so I have culled all the jokes.
- Yes, okay, ready.
- Yeah, harvested some jokium.
- Great.
- You ready?
- Yeah. Joke me out.
- Yeah, okay. Um
"Locking me in chains?
What happened to dinner
and a movie?"
It's great, great, that's
smart, that's smart, yeah.
Uh, "Well, that went well."
That went well That went well.
STEPH: It's usually
said immediately after
something went badly.
Oh, irony. Yes, that's smart.
"Nailed it." Again, ironic.
(LAUGHS) The tone is so smart.
Yeah, um, here's a club banger.
Um, "Proton phlegm is
such a good superpower
said no one ever."
- You're That's so funny.
- (LAUGHS) Yeah.
I mean, it works for everything.
- Yeah, said no one ever.
- Well, not that, though.
Okay, here's one of mine.
"Cat caught your tongue,
or is it in your throat?"
- More of like a riddle.
- Yeah, no, it's cool.
I'll probably use that
in my YA novel, actually.
- So
- Cool, great.
- Hey. Thank you so much.
- (LAUGHS) Aw.
- Sleep well, okay?
- Yeah, said no one ever.
- What?
- Yeah, again, that didn't work.
Ignore me, okay.
- Bye!
- ADAM: Good night.
(OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING)
(WORKER 1 WHEEZING)
SUPERVISOR: (MUFFLED) More lacquer.
More lacquer.
Morning, guys.
How are you getting on
with the Reality Crystal?
SUPERVISOR: (MUFFLED)
What do you fucking think?
What do you fucking think?
Thank you for your service.
(WORKER 2 COUGHING)
Status update from art department?
They're coughing up
black from the fumes.
Kind of like an origin
story, but for lung damage.
It's quite a powerfully
horrible vibe in there.
Okay, don't need all the details, Dag.
Eric, still no prop,
so we're going to have to
start with close coverage.
- Okay?
- ERIC: Fine.
do the scene. So you
just take a deep breath
DANIEL: Ready for shoot, please!
Yeah. Just go get him, champ.
Okay? Said someone ever.
- That was kinda hard.
- (CHUCKLES) Okay. Okay.
Yeah? Nailed it.
PETER: Oh, hello, turtledick.
Oh, hello, Peter, how are you?
Okay, hey, are you guys cool
if we just, uh, riff one?
- Improvise a little bit?
- Oh, yeah, yeah.
- Damn straight.
- Get one out of our system?
Eric, can we just do one loose?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. (CLEARS THROAT)
Let's go, Eric, come on. Let's do it.
- Okay, Daniel.
- All right, let's turnover.
- (BELL RINGING)
- (ADAM CLEARING THROAT)
- CREW 1: Alpha mark.
- CREW 2: Marking.
And
Let's fuck!
What?
Apologies, I just tried
something new. And action.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)
A crystal blacker than
a million black holes.
The Reality Crystal.
We are but ants
to the infinite power of restorcium.
Just hand over the crystal, Tecto,
- and we can all be friends.
- No. No.
No.
Also, your helmet looks
like one of those things
babies wear to reshape their heads.
(PETER CHUCKLES)
Said no one ever.
Sorry, what?
Said no one ever.
No, I heard you. It just
doesn't make any sense.
What is happening?
STEPH: Improv. It's
okay, Adam can handle it.
Don't worry, we'll I'll get it back.
- (CLEARS THROAT) Oh, hey, Gurgler.
- KYLE: Yeah?
How about you put your
head in a nugget bowl?
- The fuck is a nugget bowl?
- (CHUCKLES)
I mean, go cry to your mom. She
Sweaty bitch never
paid taxes in her life.
My mom passed away last year.
That's Said no one ever!
Dude, it's not making any sense.
- You know, okay. (CLEARS THROAT)
- (LAUGHS) Said no one ever.
- Now, about that Reality Stone.
- Said no one ever.
- I heard you, man.
- Irony. Nailed it!
Hey, you want to do this, turtledick?
Oh, turtledick, that's it.
Oh, yeah! Dinner and a
movie, said no one ever.
KYLE: Is that what you wanna do?
- ADAM: Oh, let's go! Send it!
- Okay, cut.
No, no, no, no.
- Popcorn at the ready.
- No, no, we're good!
Let's keep going.
- Yeah, number one wants to keep rolling.
- Okay! Yeah!
- Let's go. Gloves off.
- You wanna go?
- Right now. Let's go.
- All right.
- ADAM: Yeah, let's go!
- Yeah. You ready?
Mm-hmm. Said no one ever!
You know what they call you,
Tecto, the other Centurios?
Yeah, they call me the man.
KYLE: No.
- No. No.
- No?
- They call you Nothing Boy.
- ADAM: No they
Mr. Five Percent.
Because you are so nearly the guy,
but you're just missing,
like, five percent.
You spend your weekends with your mom.
You go on vacation with your agents.
You're a limp dick Dorito with no soul,
you desperate man.
You're fucking sweaty.
And you stink out every single room
that you walk into.
But hey, you're a real A-lister.
Said no one ever.
(WHISPERS) What a piece of shit.
I think we should cut.
Well, I think we got it.
Video have playback if you want to
I don't wish to rewatch
the take. Thank you, Daniel.
Eric, we have your new energy crystal,
fresh from the art department.
And it doesn't sparkle, no?
Um, apparently Centurios 2 used up
all the metallic paint in Europe.
And this is what I get for my movie?
The unsparkly energy source?
Eric, do not let them win, okay?
The studio is laughing at you,
and they are laughing at all of us.
STEPH: I'm so sorry, Eric,
but, um, apparently Centurios
2 has taken our swordfish.
And catering just wants to know if,
um, you'd be all right with cod instead?
(SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING)
Would you excuse me
for a second, please?
(SIGHS)
(EPIC MUSIC PLAYING)
Resour-see-um. The God molecule.
Enough energy in a single fingernail
to fuel the next three millennia
as time and space
PAT: Holy freakin' shit crap!
(ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYING)
Fuck your mango cups!
The fuck is wrong with you?
- Someone needs to check on Adam.
- I broke it. I'll fix it.
Daniel, Eric just nine-elevened
himself in a golf cart.
Yeah, no, I'm gonna
need a little more
(CLAPPING)
Daniel, what's up? I want to shoot.
DANIEL: Yeah, we can't. No Adam.
- Then pull something up.
- It's all Mollusk Man.
- He's not camera ready till Monday.
- Then shave him.
Shave him right now and bring him to me.
Yes, Daniel. Shave him
and bring him to us.
Let's fuck!
Yeah, you heard the man.
Let's fuck.
(MUSIC CONCLUDES)
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
- Come back later.
- (DOOR OPENS)
- (CLEARS THROAT)
- (DOOR CLOSES)
Kyle, please, please.
Just, I I can't.
I come in peace.
- I'm sorry.
- No, please just stop.
- KYLE: I'm sorry.
- Stop. Stop.
- What was that?
- You want to know?
ADAM: Yeah.
Last season of Brad and
Butter, you leave the show,
go off and make movies.
I get left behind.
I'm shaving six times
a day to pass for 14.
I start hiding vodka in my sippy cups.
(GASPS) No.
I need a boogeyman, man, and
you fit the bill, and I'm
I'm really sorry.
I I I didn't I didn't know.
(SCOFFS)
We're still Brad and Butter. Right?
I miss you, man.
How about one of these?
Yeah, we're cool. Yeah.
Now where was that
chemistry on set, huh?
(LAUGHS) Relax.
It's a joke.
I am in love with you, though.
(LAUGHS) I'm kidding.
All right, I'll see you
on set. (CLICKS TONGUE)
(PENSIVE MUSIC PLAYING)
Congratulations, Dr. Frankenstein.
You just created a difficult man.
(MUSIC CONCLUDES)
Apparently Eric just rammed into
our tentpole with a golf cart?
Yeah, well, fuck around, find out.
You can only push the underdog so far.
They are pulling our cameo.
Bullshit. They can't.
They're schedule-fucking
us. No cameo, no fuckdust.
Oh, God, we're being disenfranchised.
Cut the connection
with the main franchise
and one day we drift
off and get mothballed.
Do not interfere in
studio politics, Dan.
That is my job.
Yeah, well, you know, maybe
if you were better at it.
Excuse me, what did you say?
You're not protecting us, Anita, okay?
- You're scared of Pat.
- I am trying to make this movie.
This middling fucking plank of a movie.
Right, because you think
you're too good for it?
Yes, I do.
Because I am.
Because we all are, Dan.
It is a movie about a guy
who can make earthquakes
happen with a fucking glove.
Always looking down your nose.
Anita! Uncle Pat is not fucking happy!
My word, it is all kicking off.
Well, we poked the bear,
and now it's going to poke us back.
Nice work, Dan.
(MYSTERIOUS ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYING)
Yup, fully shaved. Head and eyebrows,
but, uh, featured extra. So
Don't cr Don't cry. Don't cry.
He's a He's a professional
wedding photographer.
He'll figure something out, you know?
A beanie hat and I'll
paint some eyebrows on.
Jules?
Yeah.
(UPBEAT ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYING)
We all have codpieces.
You can sort of see mine here.
Mine's basically natural.
Adam's is stuffed to the gills.
You guys gotta see in wardrobe
before we start shooting.
- (LAUGHS)
- They fill it with literal cod.
And that's why he smells of fish.
INTERVIEWER: How is it
working with Kyle again?
Did you talk to him?
INTERVIEWER: Oh, yeah, yeah.
We already interviewed him.
Yeah. I mean, he has
such a wild imagination.
I mean, wild.
I'm joking.
We love you, Adam. I love
you. I'm in love with you.
I'm I'm I'm joking.
I'm not in love with you.
But, like, I love you like a brother.
Like how a brother might love his wife.
Now, would you like to hear
about my time when I stayed
at the Chateau Marmont
- between '95 and '97?
- Yeah.
I played a lot of golf off that
top balcony with Nick Nolte.
- (LAUGHS)
- Yeah.
He's got that huge head.
You know those guys who
have those huge heads?
Yes, he does. Like Elizabeth Taylor.
- Elizabeth Did you ever meet Elizabeth Taylor?
- I did.
I used to jerk off to Elizabeth Taylor.
- Did you?
- Yeah. Yeah.
The Internet was down for
a whole weekend one time.
- (LAUGHS)
- So I had a
I just had this,
like a DVD box of Who's
Afraid of Virginia Woolf?
And I just went to town.
- And that's what got me into film.
- (LAUGHS)
(MUSIC FADES)