The Full Monty (2023) s01e04 Episode Script

1
[CLATTERING, METAL CREAKING]
[MOTOR WHIRRING]
[ENGINE STARTS]
[CUSTOMS OFFICER] Welcome
back to the United Kingdom.
Where have you come from today, sir?
Uh, Holland.
[OFFICER] It's the Holland ferry.
Can you be more precise, please?
Uh, yes. Amsterdam.
[OFFICER] Business or pleasure?
Do I have to say?
[OFFICER] I'll ask again.
Business or pleasure?
Uh, pleasure.
[OFFICER] On your way.
[VEHICLE DOOR OPENS]
[DOOR UNLOCKS]
Took your time.
Seventy grand's worth. Right there.
Bloody hell, kid.
I never thought you'd
actually go and do it.
[LOMPER] I've remortgaged
the café for this.
High stakes player, me, Vince.
This'll show Dennis what sort
of a man I really am, hmm?
- Cheers.
- [GLASSES CLINK]
Well, come on then.
[COOING]
[LOMPER] As soon as
she lays an egg, Vince,
we're gonna be rich.
[VINCE] Ey up. The boyfriend's here.
[COOING]
[COOING GROWS LOUDER]
This had better work.
This is every penny I've ever nicked.
[PIGEON FANCIER] Never failed yet, mate.
You'll have an egg in ten days.
[CHUCKLES]
[COOING]
[GROANS]
Should've laid by now, right?
May be discombobulated from travelling.
She's a racing pigeon.
Travelling's what they do.
[STAMMERS] Weather's
been bad. It affects 'em.
And hanging over her with a shotgun
ain't gonna relax her much, is it?
Listen, I raided the Christmas Club subs
for that there pigeon.
- There's a lot at stake here.
- Yeah, well,
she doesn't know that, does she?
Then tell her!
[COOING CONTINUES]
- You heard.
- [PIGEON COOING]
Get laying.
Go on.
Go on.
[HORN HONKING]
["HEAVY STEADY" PLAYING ON RADIO]
[SCATTING]
[HORN HONKING]
[SCATTING CONTINUES]
[HONKING CONTINUES]
- [SCATTING CONTINUES]
- [CONSOLE BEEPING]
[HORSE] Shit.
- [HORN HONKING]
- Oh. Oh, shit.
Shit. [GRUNTING]
Oh! [SCREAMS]
- [TYRES SQUEALING]
- Oh! Ah, shit!
[SONG CONTINUES]
[HORSE SCREAMING]
[HORNS BLARING]
[SIGHS]
Come on, love. Gotta open up!
[JEAN] All right, I'm comin'.
[DAVE] Wow.
It's either the Oscars
or parents' evening.
What you talking about?
You in your finery.
Well, you [SIGHS] You
can't let yourself go, can ya?
[INHALES SHARPLY]
[FOOTSTEPS DEPARTING]
[SIGHS]
[JEAN] Come on, love.
I thought you said we had a hurry on.
[DAVE] I'm coming.
[HORNS HONKING]
[GRUNTS]
- [HORN HONKS]
- [SHOUTS]
[GRUNTS]
[GRUNTING]
[SNIFFS]
[SPITS]
[SIGHS]
[SIGHS]
- [PHONE BEEPS]
- [GUY'S PARTNER] Guy, love,
hope the conference is good.
If you tell me what time you're back,
I'll make something
nice. Just ring me, eh?
- Love you.
- [HORN BLARES]
All right, you cock! Just give us a sec.
[BRAKES SQUEAL]
[SEAT BELT CLICKS]
Horse?!
Are you there?
Yvonne! Hi!
It's all a bit Robinson
Crusoe, this, isn't it?
Me battery's flat!
I'm on me way to, uh, a benefits
assessment thingy in Castleford.
I'm that late, if I miss me slot,
they're gonna cut me bloody money!
- I'm going that way!
- Are ya?
Hop in, Horse.
What did you do with
the rest of Man Friday?
Oh, I cooked him and I ate him!
- [CACKLING]
- [YVONNE LAUGHS]
[COOING]
[SIGHS]
[BIG BILL] Yeah. I've had
a part exchange come in.
What's your best price
on a 2007 Ford Focus?
Fifty quid scrap?
Okay. Well, unless I can
find some idiot to buy it
[CHUCKLES] Yeah, well, you
wouldn't want to be seen
driving that pile of junk anyway.
Tell you what. Give me
60, and I'll drop it round.
- Ta-ta. [INHALES DEEPLY]
- [HANGS UP RECEIVER]
["OH YES BABY I LOVE
YOU SO" PLAYING ON RADIO]
Lomper.
You don't want a car, do you?
No, thanks.
Be seated.
No, I'm
He can always tell, can Bill.
[CHUCKLES]
He got a sixth sense.
Should be on the telly.
I-I got a load of leads out.
Couple of bites from buyers abroad.
It's looking good.
But bird's a bit late laying.
I-I need an extra week.
The repayment.
The second instalment. Due today.
It's funny, Bill. The
end bit's always the same,
but the first bit's always different.
[SMACKS LIPS] It's fascinating.
Yeah.
You're definitely the
first person we've had
whose life has been
endangered by a pigeon.
My life?
Oh, he exaggerates.
We'll give you an extra week.
Won't we, Bill?
'Course we will.
And to help you along,
we'll give you a car.
I was thinking a nice 2007 Ford Focus.
Lovely little runner.
Lovely.
Five-hundred quid to you.
[SONG CONTINUES]
It's an elephant.
[FLORIST, ON PHONE] Lilies
are a bit more expensive.
So what we talking? Total figure.
With the church, table decorations,
bridesmaids' posies, and the bouquets,
it's around about, uh,
eight all in, I'm afraid.
Eight thousand?
[FLORIST] Yeah.
[GROANS]
More flavour in the packaging.
[FLORIST] Still there, Yvonne?
Mmm. [SMACKS LIPS] Yep.
Decision made. I want the lilies,
so I shall have the lilies.
And, uh, Guy shall have a fit,
but, hey, you only get
married once. Let's do it!
- [FLORIST] On it.
- [CLICKS BUTTON]
Weddings, Horse. A lot of bloody money.
Yeah. Eight grand for a wedding, eh?
No, that's just for the flowers, love.
Wow. [STAMMERS] I never knew
you and Guy were getting married.
Guy gave you an invite.
- Did he?
- Yeah, you RSVP'd.
- Did I?
- Said you were visiting
your rellies in
Liverpool, couldn't come.
- But I haven't got no rel
- Hey, what do you think
about this for a business
idea? Botox Rocks.
- Is that a band?
- Botox
and hot-stone treatments
at the same time.
I've got the hypodermics
and gel in my bag right here.
I'll do you a freebie!
Well, I've got to be
at the assessment centre
- for, uh Yeah.
- No bother.
Doesn't have to be today.
I've not got a lot on at
the moment, to be honest.
Guy's busy with work, and I'm just
sort of waiting about for the baby.
I mean, there's the
wedding, of course, but
Sometimes I just drive around.
It's nice having company.
Yeah.
Yeah, it is.
[ASSESSOR] Good, good. Next question.
Are you able to stand up independently?
Um, you've just asked me to sit down.
No, I mean as a rule at home.
Oh. Um
well, I can't do it
without me stick, you know?
'Cause, um, I sleep in the lounge now
because I find it difficult
getting up and down the stairs.
But with the stick, you can stand up?
- Uh, yeah, yeah.
- Good, good. So that's a yes.
Are you able to prepare
and cook your own meals?
I like MasterChef, you know?
But, um, I think, like,
I'm I'm more of a, uh,
Pot Noodle man, if I'm honest.
But you could?
Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I think so, yeah.
Good, good. I'm going
to put another yes.
Uh, short journeys. How's your mobility?
I see you've managed to get here from
Sheffield. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, but it wasn't
easy, love, I'll tell ya.
We broke down on the on
the the dual carriageway,
- like, I know
- And yet, here you are.
So, well done, you.
It's another yes.
Good, good.
[LAUGHTER, INDISTINC
CHATTER IN DISTANCE]
[FOOD TRUCK ATTENDANT]
Here you go, love.
£1.25, please.
[CUSTOMER] Thank you.
[[INDISTINCT CONVERSATION]
[DOG BARKING IN DISTANCE]
[LOMPER] Yes!
- What you doin'?
- [GASPS, STAMMERS]
Uh, nothin'.
Uh, we need another 20
litres of sunflower oil.
Not at 2:30 in the morning, we don't.
I'm just trying to help.
By waking me up?
S-Sorry.
[LOMPER] We finally got a buyer.
He's coming over from
South bloody Korea, Vince.
Sang-Chol, he's called. Mr
Sang-Chol. I Googled him.
He's a-a software
billionaire, apparently.
Knows his pigeons, oh,
that that's that's right.
Has he paid you then,
this Sang-Chol fellow?
First 20 grand banked.
Oh, now we're talkin'.
- So, when can you pay me back?
- Not just yet, Vince.
But there's another
20 once he's seen it,
and he's checked over all
the paperwork and she's laid.
Yeah, and about that,
when is she gonna lay?
Oh, any day now, Vince. Any day.
And I've named her. Lewis.
Like that detective off the telly?
No, like Lewis Hamilton.
Fastest pigeon in Europe,
she were, in her day.
Yeah? Well, I wish she'd get a shift on.
She will, she will.
Trust me, Vince. Trust me.
[UPBEAT SONG PLAYING ON PIANO]
[BRAKES SQUEAL]
[SONG CONTINUES ON PIANO]
- Nice to meet ya.
- [SPEAKS KOREAN]
Mr Sang-Chol is very happy
to make your acquaintance.
Oh. [STAMMERS] Well, me too.
[SPEAKS KOREAN]
My name is Mun-Hee.
[STAMMERS] Lomper. Pleased to meet you.
This is a great day for Mr Sang-Chol.
He's most desirous of seeing
the eggs of the propitious pigeon.
Uh, the propitious pigeon
hasn't actually laid yet.
[SPEAKING KOREAN]
No?
No.
- [SPEAKS KOREAN]
- [SPEAKS KOREAN]
[MOTOR WHIRRING]
[COOING]
[SHUTTER CLICKS]
Just tea bags.
[CUPBOARD DOOR CLOSES]
[SHUTTER CLICKS]
[SPEAKING KOREAN]
Mr Sang-Chol will stay at the
hotel until Lewis has laid.
You will pay for the unheralded
extension to his stay.
- Oh, right.
- If you need to contact him,
he is in the presidential suite.
[STAMMERS] That That's nice.
[CLATTERS]
[SPEAKS KOREAN]
[DOOR CREAKS]
He don't look like the sort
of fucker you mess with.
[SIGHS]
I can't force her to bloody lay.
[PANTS] I didn't know they
even had a presidential suite.
[COOING]
I've been thinking.
What if she's a ringer?
She isn't. I got all the
paperwork and everything.
- Paperwork.
- Yeah.
- Paperwork?
- Yeah.
You can do owt on a computer these days.
- Oh.
- And what about
that male pigeon?
Shooting blanks, maybe.
No, he's famous. He's sired
half of Britain's best racers.
Oh, we can all have our
rough days on that front.
- Oh.
- Ask Ellie.
- On second thoughts, better not.
- [SIGHS]
[STAMMERS] If she
hasn't laid by tomorrow,
I'll take her to see Reg, yeah?
At least get her checked
over by a specialist.
Oh, come on, Mrs Pigeon.
It doesn't take that
long to lay a bloody egg.
Come on. Get on with it.
[COOING]
[REVENGE CHOIR] What is this I see? ♪
- Oh! ♪
- You don't come home to me ♪
Oh, no! ♪
When you don't come home to
me, can't deal, can't bear ♪
You keep tellin' me lies ♪
But to your surprise ♪
Look, I hope you're happy ♪
Since you're caught out there ♪
I hate you so much right now! ♪
I hate you so much right now! ♪
[SHOUTING]
I hate you so much right now! ♪
I hate you so much right now! ♪
[KNOCKS]
[SINGING CONTINUES]
Hey.
It's harassment. It's musical bullying.
It is pretty good though, isn't it?
Yeah, but that's not
the point, Mr Amagee.
Not at all.
Hey, Jean.
Have you thought more
about, you know, what I said?
Thought about it? Dil, I've
thought about nothing else.
- And?
- Oh, Christ. I don't know.
I don't wanna sneak
around anymore, you know?
- [SINGING CONTINUES]
- It's It's not us. It's wrong.
It's deceitful.
- We need to be honest.
- Yeah, I know.
Even if it hurts people we care about.
I know.
But to your surprise,
look, I hope you're ♪
[BIRDS CHIRPING]
Come on, now. Give me some good news.
There's a love.
- [GROANS]
- I booked the vet's for 1:30,
so you better get going.
I need to nip to the bog first.
Terry's blocked it again.
Gone for the plunger.
[GROANS] Well, I'm gonna
have to stop off at the café.
Yeah? Well, don't be late.
I wanna know what the hell's
going on with that bird.
Okay.
You want more lettuce?
Yeah, if it's not a problem.
Problem? No. No.
Not at all.
Dennis. I've got this letter.
Oh, won the pools, have we?
It's from the Benefits Agency.
They're telling me
that I'm fit for work,
and I don't quite know how to
I'm right busy, Hor
Here.
[GROANS] I'm not stayin'.
Where have you been?
Cut some more lettuce, will ya?
It says you're a fit and
functioning member of society.
- Congratulations.
- But I can't even
Look, I'm in a bit of a hurry.
Yes! The lettuce.
[GROANS]
Now where's he gone? [SIGHS]
Oh, not on the prep table!
How many times?
[SIGHS]
[COOING]
Oh! [GROANS]
Oh, go on! Out! Out!
- [PIGEON SQUAWKS]
- [DENNIS GROANS]
Dirty fucking things!
[SIGHS]
- [DOOR OPENS]
- [TOILET FLUSHES]
- [GROANS]
- [DOOR CLOSES]
Ooh, that's better. Caught short there.
I have told you one million times
- I'm just gonna
- shut that back door.
I have just had a bloody pigeon in here.
- A pigeon?
- Imagine if the health inspector
had been on patrol.
He'd have shut us down.
What
- Where is it?
- [DENNIS] What?
- The pigeon.
- In the salad.
- [CUSTOMER] Excuse me?
- [DENNIS] Nearly there!
Your bloody Majesty.
- [LOMPER] Where's the
- I've shooed it out!
What do you think?
- What Out?
- [DENNIS] Yes.
But W-W-Where did it
If it went Which
If you're having a
stroke, could you wait
till the lunch rush is over?
[DISH CLATTERS]
- [DOOR BELLS JINGLE]
- [PANTING]
[GASPS]
[HORSE] Hey, Lomps.
- Lomps, I've got this letter.
- [PANTS] Oh, no.
- I don't know what to do.
- Not now, Horse.
Um, oh, all right. All right.
[PANTING, WHIMPERING]
Oh, God. Oh, God.
[PANTING, WHIMPERING CONTINUES]
Lomper, I called the vet.
I know you never showed.
Just so you know,
the last person who double-crossed me
lost both his kneecaps.
Call me! Urgently!
I hope you know the
Korean for "fuck up", love.
'Cause we've got one.
- Where are you?
- [DOOR BELLS JINGLE]
I had to do the whole lunch
rush on me own. Call me.
Honestly.
[SIGHS] What can I get you, gentlemen?
Lomper. You can get us him.
He's not in.
[BIG BILL] Oh, dear.
Bill.
[CLICKS TONGUE] Indeed.
[INHALES DEEPLY] Personal
question, so, you know,
feel free not to answer it.
But married, are ya? You and Lomper?
We are, as a matter of fact. Yes.
Ah, so what's yours is
his. What's his is yours.
- Mmm.
- For richer, for poorer.
Ain't that how it goes?
Uh, I seem to remember something similar
from the marriage vows, yes.
Well, that is a big
relief. Isn't it, Bill?
- Relief?
- Huge.
'Cause your husband owes us £17,500.
He what?
And if he hasn't paid
the next instalment
by the end of the week,
plus the one that he's just missed
well, then we're coming
to get it from you.
- This?
- Mmm.
We'll see you soon.
Ta-ra.
- [LITTLE BILL] Mmm.
- [DOOR BELLS JINGLE]
That was fuckin' lovely.
[DOOR SLAMS]
We're going to have to close. [PANTING]
Now. Personal circumstances.
- So sorry.
- Well, I was in the middle
of a very interesting conversation
with a Nigerian lawyer.
Apparently, I've been
left some money in a will.
- Come on. Out you get.
- [MUTTERING]
Okay, thank you.
- So sorry. Bye, bye, bye.
- [CUSTOMER MUTTERS]
[SIGHS]
[LOMPER] I can't get to me
phone, so leave me a message.
[PHONE BEEPS]
Lomper, what the hell is going on?
[PANTING] Where are you?
[DOOR BELLS JINGLE]
[SIGHS] Sorry, we're closed.
I said we're
[DOOR CLOSES, DOOR BELLS JINGLE]
[SPEAKS KOREAN]
Mr Sang-Chol is not
interested in a cup of tea.
Mr Sang-Chol is interested in
the whereabouts of Mr Lomper.
Who are you?
Mr Lomper owes Mr
Sang-Chol a lot of money.
He does?
How much?
- You, out.
- Gladly.
- [DOOR BELLS JINGLE]
- This place is a madhouse.
- Oh, my God.
- [DOOR CLOSES]
He's not upstairs.
[GASPS, YELPS]
So, where is the bastard?
[THUNDERCLAP]
[THUNDER RUMBLING]
- [LINE RINGING]
- Amsterdam?
- [PERSON ON PHONE] Hello?
- Oh, hello.
Um, it's Dennis Godfrey here.
- Uh, yes, Lomper's husband.
- Ah, right.
[INHALES SHARPLY, STAMMERS]
Who am I speaking to, please?
This is Richard.
Richard?
As in Lomper's Uncle Dickie, Richard?
Yes.
But
you're dead.
- Is he here?
- Who?
Oh, don't give me that. I've
seen the way you look at him.
- My husband, that's who.
- Lomper?
- Oh, so you do know.
- Mate, you just told me.
Enjoy Amsterdam, did ya?
- Amsterdam?
- Ah, so you admit it.
I'm not understanding the rules
of this conversation at all.
[YVONNE] Guy?
Do you know what your
boyfriend gets up to, Yvonne?
Eh, do you? His proclivities, hmm?
Do I know Guy's bisexual
and went out with Lomper
25 years ago? Yeah, I do.
Oh.
Very modern, I'm sure.
Dennis, mate, what's up?
He's gone, Guy.
He's got somebody else.
It's all been a tissue of lies.
[DENNIS SIGHS]
[GRUNTS]
I might have known I'd find you here.
[LOMPER] Best view in Sheffield.
Oh. I'm sorry, Dennis.
I guess you know.
If you mean Amsterdam, oh, yes, I know.
- Right.
- And the remortgage.
Uh-huh.
So how much of our money
have you frittered away,
you old fool?
About 70 grand, give or take.
70 grand?
Oh. Well, that's us
bust, good and proper.
Got a name, this dirty,
little secret of yours, eh?
- Lewis.
- Lewis, oh?
[CHUCKLES] Nice.
- Where'd you meet him?
- Her.
[GROANS] Worse and worse.
Online.
So predictable.
I've been looking for a couple of years.
You think I didn't notice
all those late-night
sessions on the computer?
Disgusting.
Picked her up in Amsterdam.
Had to smuggle her in, like.
Trafficking?
Jesus Christ, Lomper.
I were trying to breed from her.
You swore blind you never wanted kids.
Just not with me, it seems.
[STAMMERS] Lewis is
a Northern Light Black Busschaert.
You think I care what
you call the bitch?
A pigeon.
Right. I know that.
Hang on a sec.
You spent 70 grand on a bloody pigeon?
You really are a fucking idiot.
Well, wh-who's the fucking idiot
who kicked it out the kitchen door, eh?
[GRUNTS] Oh.
[DAVE] What? This is
what we're looking for?
Oh, yeah. Now, I think I've
seen this one in the bins
round the back of the
school with all its mates.
It's a pigeon.
- Answers to the name of
- Health hazard.
Pecker.
Lewis, if you must know.
Like Lewis Hamilton?
Yeah. Like Lewis Hamilton.
- 'Cause she's fast?
- Brilliant, Horse.
It's all about the tyre
changes, apparently.
You got slicks, uh,
wets, intermediates
Shut up, you.
- [LAUGHS]
- What?
Laugh all you like, but
there's a thousand-pound reward
for the person who finds her.
A grand? For a flying rat?
If that's the reward,
then what's she worth?
My life, literally.
He really lights up a room, doesn't he?
Come on then.
["NEEDLE IN A HAYSTACK" PLAYING]
- Well, well, I once believed ♪
- [COOING]
Too late, too late ♪
[COOING]
Too late, too late ♪
Girls, you'd better get
yourselves on the right track ♪
'Cause findin' a good man, girls ♪
Is like findin' a
needle in a haystack ♪
- What'd I say, girl? ♪
- Needle in a haystack ♪
Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
[SINGERS VOCALISING]
[COOING]
As far as I can tell, any
of them could be Lewis.
- Or none of them.
- Or none of them.
[DESTINY] Lewis!
Lewis!
Well, I don't know, do I?
I don't mind looking daft for a grand.
They'll tell you that
their love is true ♪
[BOTH] Lewis!
- [DESTINY] Lewis!
- [CAL] Lewis!
- [TABANI] Lewis!
- [DAVE] Lewis!
Is like findin' a
needle in a haystack ♪
What did I say, girl? ♪
Needle in a haystack,
yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
[SINGERS VOCALISING]
[DENNIS GROANS]
What kind of celebrity
bird would hang out here?
Before you leave ♪
Bottom line, a pigeon's a pigeon.
Yeah, though some silly fucker
would still pay £70,000 for one.
Uh, look, I thought, you
know, go big or go home.
I would go home, but
you've remortgaged it!
The real betrayal is the
deception and the lies.
Not a word to me after 22 years.
- Well, you'd only have said no.
- Seventy grand on a thing
with feathers you can't
even wear on a Friday night?
- You're damn right I would.
- Yeah, you have no faith in me.
None at all. You never have had.
You think I'm usel [GROANS]
[GROANS]
Is like findin' a
needle in a haystack ♪
What did I say, girl? ♪
Needle in a haystack ♪
This is ridiculous.
How many CEOs are out looking
for pigeons, do you think?
Needle in a haystack, you better ♪
I only went out with
Lomper for a few months.
Boy, have I paid for that.
Nope.
[SIGHS] I've got way
too much on for this.
When he leaves you alone, girl ♪
- Needle in a haystack ♪
- What did I say, girl? ♪
- [TABANI] Lewis!
- [DAVE] Lewis!
- [DESTINY] Lewis. Lewis.
- [DAVE] Lewis.
[CAL] Lewis. Lewis.
[TABANI] Lewis.
[SONG ENDS]
[DESTINY SIGHS]
Oh, don't tell me Lewis is in
there getting a bit of shopping.
Nah, it's menswear.
See this hoodie?
Is that
[SCOFFS] I don't know.
Could I wear that?
- Guess so. Why not?
- Mmm.
You'd be bang on trend
with that, Mr Horsfall.
- You're not taking the piss?
- No.
All right. I'll catch you up.
[ALL CHUCKLING]
[PIGEONS COOING]
I can see you moving.
- What?
- Oh, Garry.
I thought you was one
of them living statues.
- You're not, are you?
- No.
Funny way to earn a
living, if you ask me.
You wanna get yourself
a proper bloody job.
Not that there are any
proper bloody jobs anymore.
I'm looking for a pigeon.
Not often I say this about you,
but you have a success story
on your hands here, kid.
No. A particular pi
Andy.
Don't move.
I don't much these days.
[COOING]
I've got it.
I'm a grand up.
[LAUGHS]
[GAZ SIGHS] Stood there
most of the day, I was.
One particular little bugger
on me head most of the time.
- [CHUCKLES]
- Still, worth it.
Do you do cash, Lomps?
[LOMPER GRUNTS]
[SIGHS] That's not her.
It is.
Got the thingy on its leg.
Has to be. Look, the tag.
Tag's from Barnsley Loft.
You sure?
Looks nowt like her, Gaz.
Great.
Pigeon shit all over me jacket.
[DOOR CHIMES]
[POP MUSIC PLAYING ON SPEAKERS]
[SIGHS]
I see you're hiring.
Uh, yeah.
How are you with cappuccinos,
frappuccinos, espressos, mochas?
I can do coffee.
[DOOR CHIMES]
[HORSE SIGHS]
[THUNDER RUMBLING]
[TYPING]
- Hiya.
- [TYPING CONTINUES]
Hiya, love.
Been out?
Yeah.
[TYPING CONTINUES]
I have.
Mmm.
So, uh
what do you think?
Of what?
- The The togs.
- Hmm?
Oh. Been raiding the
lost property box again?
No, no. I went shoppin'.
Did ya?
What for?
Well, uh smarten up a bit.
Oh.
[GRUNTS] Good for you.
Um, listen, I've, um, gotta
- Uh, there's, um
- [TYPING]
half a half a lasagne
left in the, uh
in the, uh in the kitchen
[TYPING CONTINUES]
if you're, uh you're hungry.
[TYPING CONTINUES]
[SHOP WORKER] Sorry, man.
I hope you find something.
[SIGHS]
[GROANS, SIGHS]
[SIGHS]
[SIGHS]
[BELLS JINGLE]
[LOMPER] No, couldn't find her.
[BELLS JINGLE]
I know I moan about this place a lot
but I will miss it.
It's more than a café. It's
a place where people come.
I mean, who else is gonna
give Horse free cake?
[STAMMERS] You give him free cake?
Of course I do.
He hasn't got two pennies
to rub together, has he?
Where are folks like him
gonna go when we shut, eh?
Do you think Costa and Starbucks
are gonna give them free cake?
It had a purpose, this place.
I had a purpose.
How did we come to this, Lomper?
[STAMMERS]
I don't know.
All that debt, the risk.
Those people in cheap leather jackets.
I mean, I say leather.
[SIGHS]
What possessed you?
I wanted you to notice me.
Well, mostly, I'm invisible.
Then, every once in a
while, you spot I'm here,
and there's this look crosses your face
like you really don't like me anymore.
Well, I do.
You said you want wanted
adventure in therapy that time.
Uh, I thought with Lewis,
maybe I could do something
a bit adventurous,
something to surprise you,
to make you proud of me.
The surprise bit worked.
I mean, every couple has
their ups and downs, right?
When was the last up?
Old Andy's 70th.
[STAMMERS] That's only
'cause you put Gaz's cocaine
on your dinner.
[CHUCKLES]
Best chips I've ever had.
That were eight years ago, Den.
Really?
I disappoint you.
I do. I wish I didn't, but I do.
[SIGHS]
I'll go sleep up on Edge.
You never know. She may come back.
But even if she don't,
you deserve better, Dennis.
[DOOR BELLS JINGLE]
[CRYING]
[DESTINY] The not-so-funny
put-down jokes ♪
The not-so-subtle trying
to lech through my clothes ♪
The not-so-accidental gropes ♪
No, you've not pulled,
do not get your coat ♪
Tie 'em in knots,
grab 'em by the throat ♪
Throw 'em in traffic
on Ecclesall Road ♪
Check the status quo,
I'ma do it on my sen ♪
Patriarchy full of creeps,
they're not your friend ♪
He's creepy ♪
He's creepy, creepy, creepy ♪
Creepy, creepy ♪
- [MUSIC STOPS]
- Get out me room!
- You're scaring the neighbours.
- Get out my fucking room!
[CHUCKLES] See, that's what
I'm talking about, innit?
If I start sharing
the rent with your mum,
then is it your fucking room?
Discuss.
Look, I'm trying to be reasonable here.
Your mum and I love each other.
You don't like that. I get it.
So, 500 is a deposit
on a room somewhere.
And you can stop paying
me back for the windscreen.
My mum know you're
trying to blackmail me
out me own house, does she?
[CHUCKLES]
And who do you think
she's gonna believe?
[BRIAN INHALES SHARPLY]
[SIGHS] Worked out well
last time, didn't it?
[SIGHS]
[KEYS JANGLE]
[POWER PLUG THUDS]
Oh. No hurry.
[PIGEONS COOING]
Vince.
Vince, I've seen her near the stadium!
Call Dennis for me!
- [WHISTLE BLOWS]
- Let's go.
Make sure the ball gets to
feet. Let's have good headers.
[CHATTERING]
Gaffer, gaffer.
I'm not good with heights, Vince.
Not Not good at all.
No? Then how about I don't push you off
if you get the bird?
Deal.
Come on. Lewis.
Lewis. Come on, Lewis.
Come on. Come on.
Since when's a pigeon
turn its beak up at grain?
She's a quality bird,
Vince. I've always said so.
[DENNIS] Lomper! What are you doing?!
Come down!
No!
Please, don't be an idiot!
I'm I'm not! I-I've found her!
Lewis!
Oh, no.
[MR SANG-CHOL SPEAKING KOREAN]
Mr Sang-Chol would prefer
that Mr Lomper comes to Earth.
Yeah, me too, darling. Me too.
She's gone down here,
Vince. I'm sure of it.
I'm coming, I'm coming.
I'm right behind ya.
[SPEAKING KOREAN]
He says that at least it
would be an honourable death.
Right. Well, you tell him
another comment like that,
and I'll bloody drop him. That's
my man we're talking about.
- [MR SANG-CHOL SPEAKING KOREAN]
- [DENNIS] Lomper!
[MUN-HEE SPEAKING KOREAN]
I found her, Vince!
I think I know why she's not coming.
[SIGHS] Oh, let me guess.
The grain's not fucking organic.
No, I know exactly why.
- Come on. Come on.
- [COOS]
[DENNIS] Lomper!
Lomper, what the hell are you doing?!
[MR SANG-CHOL SPEAKING KOREAN]
- [GROANS]
- [VINCE] Lomper, get back here!
Jesus, now what's he doing?
[MR SANG-CHOL SPEAKING KOREAN]
[GRUNTING]
[DENNIS] Lomper, what
the hell are you doing?!
[GASPS] I think she's laid!
I don't care!
For God's sake, come down!
No. Whatever happens,
you're not losing Grand Pain.
Grand Pain. How many times?
[LOMPER] What?!
Look, I don't care about
Le Grand the café.
I don't care about anything except you!
[VOICE BREAKING] I love ya.
[GRUNTS]
Really?
- Oh!
- Lomper!
[LOMPER GRUNTING]
[DENNIS] Lomper!
- [GRUNTING CONTINUES]
- Come down, for God's sake!
[GRUNTING]
[GRUNTS]
[GRUNTING]
[MOUTHING WORDS]
We have eggs!
Yes. Yes!
[GRUNTING]
[GRUNTING]
- [SIGHS]
- [LOMPER SIGHS]
[PANTING]
Is that enough adventure for ya?!
- [VINCE LAUGHING]
- [DENNIS GROANS]
[BOTH LAUGHING]
["LOVE REALLY HURTS
WITHOUT YOU" PLAYING]
[APPLAUSE, CHEERS]
- Oh, Lomper!
- You run around town ♪
Like a fool and you
think that it's groovy ♪
Hey, no, Dennis.
Dennis, Dennis, wait, wait. No, no, no!
Oh, you daredevil!
- [DENNIS GRUNTS]
- [EGGS CRACK]
[SONG STOPS]
[LOMPER WHIMPERS, PANTS]
[BOTH GASP]
[DENNIS] Oh.
[LOMPER GROANS]
[GASPS]
[SIGHS]
[BOTH SIGH]
[DENNIS GROANS]
[VINCE GROANS]
- [GASPS, LAUGHS]
- Game on!
- [ALL LAUGHING]
- [SONG RESUMES]
- [GASPS]
- [ONLOOKERS CHEER]
[DENNIS] Oh!
Love really hurts without you ♪
Love really hurts without you ♪
And it's breaking my heart,
but what can I do, baby? ♪
Baby, love really hurts without you ♪
Baby, love really hurts
through and through ♪
And it's breaking my heart,
but what can I do, baby? ♪
Baby, love really hurts without you ♪
[SONG FADES OUT]