The Hotwives of Orlando (2014) s01e04 Episode Script

Previously on Hotwives of Orlando Oh, you need to calm down.
I'm not angry, I'm full of love! Amanda! - Amanda.
Amanda.
Amanda.
- Seriously! This one Thank you.
Is this a dildo party? I think age is really just a number.
My vagina's young.
Men want to have sex with me, women want to watch.
God made me perfect, so amen to big boobies! Who am I? I I don't know.
I spent my daughter's college fund on throw pillows.
I am 50 percent heart, 50 percent business and 200 percent Phe Phe.
I'm more than just a trophy wife, I'm also smoking hot.
My baby is turning five today.
Wait six.
My baby is turning five or six today.
So, I'm throwing her a small family affair, nothing crazy, just a little party.
Ugh! You call this a tablecloth? A tablecloth should shimmer.
This has not one piece of shimmer in it.
I mean you call yourself a tablecloth person, isn't that what you call yourself? What is that? I want these chairs to be sexy.
I expected sexier chairs.
Put 'em up.
That is not what I asked for.
You! Why aren't you in a white shirt? Can someone move this fountain? My daughter's fifth birthday.
I want her to feel the sexiest she's ever felt.
I want her to own this place and feel like she owns you.
I'm very disappointed in your work.
- Hi.
So, uh, the pony is here.
- Hi.
Where did you want him? What do you mean by pony? I ordered a unicorn.
Your website said I was getting a unicorn.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
So how we do that is, we have these horns, and I will just glue it onto his head.
I just need 10 minutes and then - No, no, I don't want a - When we're done we just Detachable.
Detachable horn.
No, I don't want you to glue a horn on the head, I want a real unicorn.
That's what I was promised.
This is just like the time the leprechaun wouldn't give me his gold.
Said he was a "dwarf.
" I don't want no horn glued on a pony.
I want a unicorn, that's what I paid for! To get a unicorn.
So, I don't want a pony! You go back to your boss and you get me a unicorn, 'cause that's what I asked for.
Right.
Okay, yes, of course.
I'm sorry.
- Let me put the pony away - Thank you.
- And I'll bring the unicorn.
- Ah! Thank God.
How does that sound? Because that's what I saw on the website.
- I saw a big, beautiful unicorn.
- Yes, of course, yes.
Now, does it shoot a rainbow? It (BLEEPS) rainbows, but you're not going to get on the day, that won't happen.
Um, yeah, I was, uh, I competed in the Beijing Olympics, um, in dressage and fences actually, and, uh and I broke my tailbone.
So Everyone has to do something, right? Ahh! Tell them to get out of my Tell these balloons get out - Shauna! - Ahh! What the hell! You bought a car for a five year old? Hey, what! I'm supposed to keep driving her? I'm sick of it! You idiot! Don't you know they can't even drive until they're 21? No, our daughter is going to drive earlier.
She deserves that.
Okay, what about this tree house, you've refurbished it just for the birthday party? Well, yeah! People are going to go in there, - what they should think she's - It has marble floors! Why do you need marble floors for a tree house? Because the tree house has wood floors.
That's disgusting! And plumbing? What, she shouldn't have a bidet? Oh, madonna, you are such a dumbass! Aw.
I love it when you speak Italian to me, sexily Hi! Hi! - Hey! - Oh! Hi, baby! Aw, thank you so much for coming - Ah! I would not miss - To my daughter's birthday party.
Sheena's fifth or sixth birthday for the world.
It's Shana.
It's Shana.
I'm so happy to be here.
Of course, I would never miss my goddaughter Shenise's birthday party.
You're my best friend! And you're my best friend.
I can't believe we were ever not friends.
And I don't think it's weird, that I brought my trainer Heath, with me.
I mean, what if I had an ab emergency.
We're sisters, soul mates, sisters sinners.
Being attacked by a ghost at a seance? Oh, my God! Really makes a girl realize what's important in her life.
Like her alive friends, like Tawny.
Thank God you're back in my life.
Ah! I love you so much.
You look gorgeous! No, you look amazing.
Your nostrils! Aw! Your lip part, right here, right here - I wish I had that.
- Oh! Your skin has a bit of bumps under.
I love it! Oh, God! I just want to be you sometimes.
I wanna cut you open and crawl in your skin and wear you like a suit.
I love you so much.
I brought a little something for Shana And all her little girlfriends.
This is from my new handbag line.
They are my new tight little pursies.
You got these for the children? Yes, you're welcome.
Look at your gorgeous pursies.
They retail it for $249 and they are tight, tight, tight little pursies.
Oh, God! Did you make them yourself? Oh, God, no! Little girls in China made them.
They have the littlest hands.
Thank God for the Chinese and their tiny fingers, or we'd have nothing.
And we certainly wouldn't have such tight little pursies.
Do you have some without the little fur? I'd like one.
- Clean.
I have a clean one.
- Yes, thank you.
I love your tight little pursies, Tawny.
Oh Tawny knows I support her business endeavors, but I think it's nice that Heath supports her too.
He knows so much more about fashion than I do, because he's so gay.
Phil, I thought you were gonna bring everything in.
This is almost everything.
Phil, go back, please.
Phil, grab grab the tight little purse.
Thanks, buddy.
When I think about it, I feel bad for Phil.
Good thing I don't think too much.
Speaking of new pursies, where's Veronica? She was supposed to be here.
She said she was coming to my daughter's party.
Oh, her dog is sick.
Are you kidding me? That is no excuse! I didn't wanna tell you.
This is a birthday party.
It's Shana's fifth or sixth, and you should be really upset about that! Shana is gonna be so upset.
- I gotta go.
She - Oh! Okay.
- Where you going? - I gotta take a nap.
- Okay, I understand.
- I'm tired.
No, I get it, you came here, that's a lot.
It's a lot for me.
Love you, baby.
Love you.
Say hi to Shana for me.
I will.
Thank you.
- Let's go, baby.
- It's Shauna.
Really? Your dog is sick? I could wait to confront her, because this is my daughter's special day.
But there was no way I was gonna do that.
- Hello? - Veronica? It's Shauna.
If you didn't want to come to Shaina's fifth or fourth birthday party, all you had to do was say so.
Of course, I wanted to come, darling, but I couldn't, because poor Lover is ill.
That is a bull (BLEEP) excuse.
Your dog is sick? Excuse me! This is not a bull (BLEEP) excuse.
You know, have you ever cared for something so deeply? I think I do.
I have children, remember? You don't have a dog.
I breastfed my children, they are my flesh and blood.
I get it.
But they're not dogs! You will never get it.
I gave birth.
Not to a dog! You can't understand! I was really pissed off at Veronica.
But then I realized, she's right.
I don't have a dog.
I'm shooting a commercial for Prune Juice.
Action.
Florida Prune Juice.
I am Prune Juice.
Is as easy going in, as it is going out.
My entire life is going to change.
Today, I am back on top! We're gonna need more make-up! I'm shooting a commercial for Florida Prune Juice.
It's the 30th anniversary of the campaign, that I started when I was a little girl.
Florida Prune Juice.
As easy going in, as it is going out.
Ah, we're not as popular as, you know, Florida Orange Juice or Florida Grapefruit Juice, but we are the 18th highest rated juice in Florida, just behind beef juice.
Okay, you're gonna have to put that down for a second.
Okay? Oh! All right, uh, on action.
Mom, you pour the juice.
Katy, you drink it and then you say your line.
You got it? Absolutely, thank you so much.
All right.
Uh And Action! Florida Prune Juice.
Enjoy your Prune Juice, sweetie.
Cut! Um, we just keep you, you just stay up, don't crouch down.
We'll just do the line.
Okay, so we don't need the improv.
Is it okay to give her a note - on her delivery? - No, no.
Cut! No! We don't do that, that's weird.
Let's just put it down.
See this.
You pour it like a human being would pour it, and then you put it down.
- Hmm.
- Okay? Action! Florida Prune Juice.
It's as easy going in, - as it is - As it is going out.
No, cut! No, don't do that! Okay, let's just, you know what? You're just like, we cast a torso and you're the torso, and, but, you can't move.
Like, this side of you had a stroke and it can't move - Okay.
- And you just stand there like that.
Okay.
No! No! Stop it! Like a Price is Right model.
It's a local Prune Juice commercial! Just keep your hand there.
You have that.
Oh! Give me some.
Let's just get you over here.
We're just going to move you over here.
We're just going to get the line clean.
This is just for coverage, - so you just stay over here all right? - Sure.
And we just need the coverage, and we'll get the line on it.
On three, two, one Action! Mmm, it was like no time had passed.
It was so great to be back.
Florida Prune Juice.
Get out of the chair! Cut! Cut! Get her out of there! We need to get her out of here.
No, get out! I am not leaving! And the best part? I'm in the media again.
Ba-boom! Pow! Old gentile lady, that's me.
Christ, you're strong! Prune Juice.
Forget it! Get her out! O-G-L.
Somebody get the doors! After the Prune Juice incident, I realized, I really need to help my sister Amanda get sober.
I mean, it is my number one priority.
Well, no, actually my number one priority is my husband, and then the Lord.
And then my Bible study group, my condo, my turtle, my hair extensions.
Since Crystal had way too many other things to do than help her sister, I decided to throw an intervention.
Phe Phe loves a partay! Okay, we can talk about the food later.
The liquor is the most important thing.
And what I want is a gin fountain, right here.
But, it's gotta be a safe distance from the fire eater.
You're going to have liquor at an intervention party? That's tacky.
That's Tallahassee tacky.
What did you say? I mean, I know how to throw an Orlando party! Uh-uh, no-no, mmm-mmm! I was born and raised in Orlando.
Tallahassee? Who does he think he's talking to? But you don't seem to know how to throw an Orlando intervention party.
You've got to class it up.
Oh! Did you say, "Class it up"? Class it up.
When I threw David Caruso's intervention party, I had a mime act out his drug addiction and all of the grievance letters were read by Morgan Freeman.
He was sober almost three weeks.
Do you know who you're talking to? Do you know who you're talking to? No, no, no, no.
Do you know, who you're talking to? No-no-no-no-no, do you know who you're talking to? No, baby! Do you know who you're talking to? Do you know, who you are talking to? Do you know who you're talking to? Do you know who you are speaking with? Oh! It turned out, we did not know who we were talking to.
But, after becoming familiar with each other's résumés Oh! Huh! Ha! We realized we didn't want to work together anyway.
It's been an honor.
Chill.
I feel bad things didn't work out between me and Antoine.
But It's hard for me being around men right now.
Even gay ones, because my divorce to Rodney just went through.
Ah! I'm just being Phe Phe.
And I had an airtight pre-nup that hit him where it hurts.
It's not just that she got 50 percent of my future earnings.
She got 100 percent of my Beanie Baby collection.
I love my Beanie Babies.
Damn! You're mine now, bitch.
Hi! Happy intervention! I've seen the movies.
They get together, start complaining about their man.
Okay, all right, that's enough.
Break it up, break it up.
Then they have a kissing contest and next thing you know, they're smashing their vitals together.
The theme for the intervention party is the roaring '20s, so everybody can really get their drink on.
I mean, just because Amanda can't drink, doesn't mean the rest of my guests have to suffer through her intervention sober.
Get me a drink.
Michael Jackson.
Earthworm Jim.
Graceland.
Video.
It's not charades! Hi! Happy intervention! You look so good! Oh, so do you.
Where is Anthony? Oh, it's Oh, it's a funny story.
He can't be here because he says you guys are the biggest (BLEEPS) in the whole world.
Okay, I do not like your husband's story.
No, it's better when he tells it, he's so much funnier than I am, but he hates you guys.
Hey! I thought Tawny and I were friends again, because she came to my daughter's birthday party, but then, I couldn't remember if I was mad at her for something else? Am I? You don't even Don't you Shauna and I were friends again, and then I remembered, she said I was cheap.
Wait, oh, that was Veronica.
Honestly, I can't remember if me and Shauna are friends right now.
I just didn't want to get it wrong, you know.
So in these situations, silence is the best medicine.
Phe Phe! Hi! Oh! I was excited to go to the intervention, because I wanted to introduce the girls to my new man.
I would like you to meet my new beau.
This is Billy.
Billy this is Phe Phe.
Thanks for inviting us to your party, Miss Reed.
It's super fun being out on a school night.
Oh! I could just eat him all up.
Oh, I mean in an oral sex way, of course.
Oh, thank you, that will do it.
Can I get you something to drink? A soda? Oh, yes, you know what else? I think I've got bendy straws too.
- No! - That boy was so young, I didn't know whether to offer him Prosecco or a push pop.
I'm so good at being Phe Phe.
Bam.
Hi, sweetie! How's Amanda? I don't know.
Oh! Okay, all right, it's enough.
Break it up, break it up.
Hey! Hey! Let's make some room for the Holy Ghost, ladies.
Open it up, open it up.
That's it, Indigo Girls.
Let's go, come on, go.
- I love you.
- I love you.
You're the best.
You mama, you mama! Ah! I don't like other women putting their hands on my wife.
Lesbianism is a disease you can catch.
It's a fact, Jack.
To Amanda's sobriety! To Amanda's sobriety! Chin chin! What's sobriety? Come on, come on, come on, come on! Whoo! Come on! Hello! Amanda! Well, hello, hello, hello! Sorry I'm late, I had to pick up my date.
This is Tom.
It's Dan.
Dan! I picked him up at McManish Tavern.
He tried to steal my purse And my heart, and he got both! Where's your bathroom? The one with the medicine cabinet? Um I gotta take a (BLEEP).
Okay.
- He is just such a gentleman.
- No.
He'll always tell you when he has to take a (BLEEP).
Is he homeless? Um, I will find out.
That girl has got some seriously bad taste in men.
Bam! Bein' Phe Phe! But seriously, this party is about helping Amanda fight her addiction.
A drink-ah! Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah! Unfortunately, I did not remember what the party was about, because I was so drunk, but, you know, I think Amanda really got it.
Amanda, what are you doing? What's wrong with you? I'm sorry, Crystal.
I'm so ashamed, I really do wanna change.
This isn't about you! Uh It's not? What the (BLEEP) is her problem? I thought I thought this was my party.
Let's (BLEEP).
In the butt.
Ah! Yeah! I tried, sorry.
I tried every loving thing, I could think of, to save my sister.
I tried berating her, humiliating her.
I got her really drunk and filmed her, for America's Funniest Home Videos.
Everything! God! I'm gonna pray for my sister.
No, do not pray for her.
You've got to save it for the Lexus.
I told you, Jesus only grants a finite amount of prayers.
Oh, wait, wait.
Wait, wait, wait! What time is it? What time is it? I don't want my mom to worry.
Oh, here, here, here.
Just drink this, all right? - Okay.
- Oh, here you go! Just drink it down.
Yup! That is so me! Oh! That's better That's better! Shauna and I have experienced an intimacy.
We had sex with each other.
What did she say? Overall, I would say the intervention party was a huge success.
Except for the intervention part.
But, I proved to myself that I can have a good time without Rodney, and that's what the night was all about.
Mmm Don't you ever tell She's Shauna.
Put your finger out of my face.
Put your finger out of my face! Ah, you know what, Shauna, I don't wanna your drama.
I don't want drama.
When I heard Tawny say, "I don't wanna your drama," I was like, damn! That will make a good song.
When Phe Phe said, "I don't wanna your drama" would be a good song, I was like, yeah, but who's gonna produce it, you? And she was all Yeah, I'm a music producer.
And she was like Awesome, let's do it.
And she said - Yeah! - So we are.
Friends gotta help friends.
And that is why I helped Amanda.
And now, she's on the road to a full recovery.
And that's what the night was all about.
You're welcome, Amanda.
You're welcome! Wow! Interventions are never easy, but they sure are fabulous, and the important thing is, Amanda looked really pretty.
Shalom, y'all, it's me Matty G here and I'll be coming at you with a very special Hotwives Cool Down.
Where I'll be joined by Dr.
Sanjay Gupta, as we talk about addiction and its effects.
Don't forget to tweet us your questions and also pics of your boobs, 'cause I bet he's a real tit man.
Holla! And I'll see you soon and don't forget to stick around for the premiere of our new show, Millionaire Trees! Cheers!