The Iliza Shlesinger Sketch Show (2020) s01e04 Episode Script

1
[upbeat opening credits playing]
Slip into your house shoes ♪
There ain't nobody like you ♪
And with all your favorite friends
Playing pretend ♪
Pretend, pretend ♪
Oh, oh! ♪
- [cursor whirs and ticks]
- [screen chimes]
- [audience applauds]
- And so, what you have is actually
the hottest accessory this fall.
Yes, it's a real must-have.
It works when you're going out,
it works when you're staying in.
And I know, for me, what I love about it
is that it looks like a normal baby pouch.
That's right.
But it's actually filled with
- hummus!
- Oh, my God!
- [audience applauds]
- Look how cute!
[both laughing]
[lively music plays, then fades]
- [screen chimes]
- [cursor ticks]
So then, it turns out
that it's not her actual last name.
She's been using a dummy name.
Sean told me that she changed it.
She's not even married.
I don't know why she had--
[waitress] Hey, guys.
Welcome to Wolf and Grandy.
How is everyone tonight?
- Just
- Good.
kind of in the middle of a story, but--
Great. So, have you guys
dined with us before?
We have. Um, she has not,
and she's never
been to a restaurant before.
- Sorry, what?
- [man] I'm sorry.
I'm right. Right, Maggie?
- You haven't been here before?
- No, but I've heard stunning things.
No, I meant, Ma'am
you've never been
to any restaurant before?
That's correct.
I was raised in the Canadian wilderness
of Nunatsiavut
by a pack of wild dogs,
and I'm only recently
integrated into society,
so I might be a little blagh!
- [friends laugh]
- But, please,
don't let me interrupt you do your spiel.
I won't be too annoying.
Also, one question.
[silverware clatters]
Are these your underpants?
- [soft music plays]
- Okay, great.
[inhales] So, if you look
at the top of our menu,
the little section
is obviously going to be
things on the smaller side.
- [bar patrons chatter faintly]
- Oh. I
I'm pretty hungry, so
So, I might I might need your big food.
Okay, well, here at Wolf and Grandy,
we don't do big.
We do littles, middle nibbles,
and then slabs.
[gasps] You guys,
we have to get the scallop crudo slab.
It's amazing.
Oh, guys, unfortunately,
we are out
of the scallop crudo slab tonight.
I'm so sorry.
[both] Oh, no.
Oh [screaming] No!
I'm
I'm sorry. Do we scream now?
No, you don't have to.
Kim and I were just bummed
about the crudo.
Yeah. We're fine.
This place is amazing.
- Whatever you pick will be awesome.
- [man] Mm.
[breathlessly] Okay.
[takes a breath] Okay, so
Um, any food allergies,
dietary restrictions,
- whatever?
- [Maggie] Yeah.
Actually, dairy is like,
a total problem for me,
and it's a big mess
for everybody else, so no dairy.
Oh, uh
I'm up for eating the spinal cord
or stomach, whatever's left over.
I'm also totally down
to watch you guys eat
and then you vomit, and then I can lick
whatever's left off your faces,
but you'll probably be sleeping
or pooping by then, [fading] so
And also, I don't eat dairy, either.
So, no
- No dairy.
- [Kim] No dairy.
I actually have like a little bit
of a questionnaire.
On the cocktail menu,
the Lay Low, My Sweet Lover
- [waitress] Mm.
- says that there's gentian in it.
Is that in a gentian amaro
or gentian liqueur?
- It is an amaro.
- It is.
Okay, that's disgusting.
[clicks tongue] I'll have two vodkas.
Okay, great. Can I get drinks started
for anyone else?
Yes. I will have the IPA. Kim?
- Uh I think I'll do this
- [both] rosé.
- I knew she was gonna say that.
- [laughs] He knew that.
- I knew she would say that.
- He knew.
Uh Shot in the dark here.
Do you have warm milk from a nipple?
[loudly exhales]
No, no, we don't.
- No.
- It's no problem.
I will just have water.
Will you do me a favor?
- [silverware clatters]
- [doors rattle]
[laps loudly]
[friends laughing]
Okay. I'm gonna work on those drinks
and give you guys a minute.
- I love the painted brick accent wall.
- [Kim] Ooh
Oh. Sorry, it-- Painted brick,
it's sort of, played out.
- So
- [Kim] Mm.
Oh, I'm so embarrassed.
Girl, do not worry about that.
You'll learn this stuff.
Okay.
[waitress] So, we have
a raw pork nest
- cradling a quail egg
- [Kim] Ooh!
with a sprig of ramp.
- [man] Wow. Look at that.
- Little gift from the chef.
- [Maggie] Ooh
- Gift?
But we didn't get him anything.
No, no, no, sweetie.
Um, he gives this out to everybody,
and he calls it a gift,
but it's really more of a brag.
- No
- So, do you guys
- need a few more min--
- [screaming] No, no, no!
[thuds hand on food] No, no!
No!
This meat died scared!
It died on its knees!
It wasn't ours to take!
- [dishes shatter]
- No!
[dramatically] No! It wasn't ours
to take!
No! We stole it
from the Great Mother! [wheezes]
[sighs calmly]
[friends laugh]
[together] Oh, Nell!
- [upbeat music plays]
- [audience cheers and applauds]
[upbeat music fades]
[spokesman] When the game heats up,
there's no slowing down.
When I'm going hard in the paint,
I don't have time for distraction.
[lively music playing faintly]
I just wanna focus on some ball,
not on what I'm wearing.
[spokesman] And now, you don't have to.
Introducing Nude Toned bike shorts.
When I'm out here hoopin',
I ain't got time
to be worried about clothes.
This is basketball, baby!
This ain't a fashion show!
[spokesman] You'll love
Nude Toned bike shorts because
It's the closest I'll ever get
to playing basketball naked.
- [whistle blows]
- Before Nude Toned bike shorts,
- basketball was hard.
- [ball thuds]
Sorry, guys.
I'm just a little distracted by my shorts.
[spokesman]
Not with Nude Toned bike shorts.
Now, we can focus on the game.
I got next.
Here, my guy.
- Hey. [slaps hand] Thanks.
- [men yelling indistinctly]
[spokesman] Nude Toned bike shorts.
You look naked,
but you're not.
Now available in Freckle and Hair.
- [all yelling] Great game! Yeah!
- [spokesman] Brought to you by Traegus,
- for the problems you don't have.
- [music fades]
I'm way too big,
and I wanna go back to before.
Coming up, we all know we're going to die.
- [crowd applauds]
- But are you?
One expert says yes.
- You're gonna die.
- [upbeat music plays, then fades]
- [screen chimes]
- [cursor ticking]
- [pop music playing]
- I'm Laura. I'm 35 years old,
and I'm from Traegus, New Jersey.
[women murmur]
- [woman 1] And it's So sad.
- [woman 2] Gross. Help her.
[Laura] I like my clothes,
but I wonder how I really look.
- [pop music softens]
- I know my friends love me,
but I don't think they're being honest.
[low-energy] No, Laura. You look so good.
[robotic] Fierce, sexy diva,
rock star mama, queen.
So cute.
Girls will be jealous of all your jelly.
- [friends agreeing]
- I don't know.
- Your milkshake is so creamy.
- What?
- [slurping]
- It's creamy.
Look out, weekend. Here she comes.
[low-energy] Look out, weekend.
Here I come.
[Laura] So I'm here today
to get the honest opinion
of three moms from the Tri-state area.
[transition whooshes]
I'm Deb.
I think you should play up
your good features,
and hide your bad ones.
- [transition whooshes]
- I'm Marie.
I've always struggled with my thighs,
and I like to think
that I passed that neurosis
onto my daughters.
- [transition whooshes]
- I'm Ronnie.
and I think women should wear stockings,
because they're sexy.
Also, because knees
- are the wrinkled elbows of the leg.
- [transition whooshes]
[pop music fades]
- [women snicker]
- Holy shit. [laughs with a wheeze]
[dramatic music playing]
What're you saying with this?
[lazily] That I'm a feminist
with a to-do list.
To do what?
To make all these boys
[unsure] come to the yard.
What the hell does that mean?
[Laura] To slay all day.
Rosé.
Yeah.
You carry all your weight
like right here, you know?
You'll always be a little thick
right here. A little bulky.
You can't diet that down. [hushed] Yeah.
Your chin is great.
- Great chin.
- You should go with
something-- Play that up.
I have an idea. Go in the dressing room.
We'll bring you some clothes.
But I'm serving a hot look.
Go in the dressing room!
We're gonna bring you clothes!
Well, I brought you three moms here
for your wisdom.
So I guess I have to listen.
[alarm beeping]
- I hear some buzzing.
- Just a little bit.
- She doesn't have to be 12 ft. tall.
- Are you ringing?
- Oh.
- Platforms?
- [Marie] Oh.
- Mom Alert.
- [transition whooshes]
- [lighthearted music playing]
- I don't know. I think I just--
- Give me it. Let me see.
What, you turned it off?
- [Deb] No.
- Wait, I got it. No, wait.
- I think it has to be this--
- [Ronnie] No, you gotta--
Let me just-- Ooh, wait. You're calling--
I'm calling someone.
- You're Facetiming someone.
- [Marie laughs]
- Give it back.
- I had something like
Doesn't it spread open?
- Can I have it?
- It's off.
I don't even think this thing is on.
Are you sure it's on?
- [Deb] It's Facetiming--
- It's on, look. See?
Oh, wait. I'm on an app.
[all muttering]
Oh
- Yes!
- Oh!
- [Marie] Yes!
- [Ronnie] Yeah, absolutely.
- [Deb] Say "yes".
- [Marie] You look fine.
- [Ronnie] What a change.
- [Marie] Yes, exactly.
You feel it, girl. That's right.
Now, this is an outfit.
Miss Amer-- Miss America.
[Marie] Look at you. Look at you.
I feel old.
You are old.
You're 40. Aren't you 40?
- I am 35!
- Really?
- [hushed] I don't think so.
- [hushed] She's not.
I just need to make this my own.
[heels tapping]
Don't itch too much.
- [transition whooshes]
- [pop music plays]
You know what they say,
"If you've got it, flaunt it."
Look out, summer. Here I come.
- [pop music fades]
- There's stuff going wrong there
There's nothing really right about this.
- [screen chimes]
- [cursor ticks]
- [lively music plays]
- Go.
What is books? And could it help
for people brain be less dumb?
[stilted] We talk
We'll say it later.
- [audience applauds]
- After the break.
[all laughing]
You guys, game night is the best.
- Yeah.
- It really is.
What should we play this time?
Uh How about charades?
[high-pitched] Mm It's kind of boring.
- [group oohs]
- Maybe Apples to Apples?
- [group] Oh!
- Fuck you! That game sucks shit!
- I was just-- We were brainstorming.
- You know
- Uh
- Jesus Christ.
[stammers] I know what we could play!
[spokesman] Introducing It Me!
The personality party game
that'll keep you guessing.
- [animated music playing]
- Ah I love that game!
- Oh, he loves it!
- [group laughs]
[group murmurs]
He loves It Me!
- Let's do it!
- Yeah!
- Let's do it!
- Let's do it! [clinks glass]
Okay.
Um I'm obsessed
with a certain kind of food.
Uh, it's a kind of food
that everybody loves,
but I'm always posting about it.
I'm always saying like, "Nom, nom, nom."
Um, and if it were Valentine's Day,
I would say that this food's my date.
Oh! You're the girl
whose whole personality
is that you love pizza.
- [yells] Yes! It me!
- [bell dings]
- Yes!
- [all laughing]
Um I'm a person who
I act like life is really hard,
and I want you to think
that I'm very stupid.
[stammers] I can't do basic things.
I want people to treat me
like a small, small baby.
Oh! Your whole personality
is talking about how adulting is hard.
- [bell dings]
- It me!
- Yeah!
- [group cheers]
- You're so good.
- Yeah.
[spokesman] The party game testing
your knowledge of people
who just have their one thing.
You know 'em.
- [timer ticking]
- Okay, I'm, uh
kind of putting on a fake persona?
Ooh! You're the woman who says
she's always down
to go to a strip club with men.
- Damn, that was fast. It me! [laughs]
- [bell dings]
- Me too.
- Well, it me too.
- Okay.
- It me too.
- Oh, okay, this is a good one.
- [timer ticks]
I just went through a breakup,
and I'm, like, "Time to check the scope."
Oh! Someone who's always
abbreviating everything.
- No.
- [buzzer rings]
Oh! Someone whose whole thing
is that they live in a submarine.
- [buzzer rings]
- No. Wait, what?
- What?
- Oh, I know.
The person who's into astrology,
but, uh, only when
- their life is going poorly.
- [yells] It me!
- [bell dings]
- [group cheers and laughs]
- [lively music resumes]
- [spokesman] The game pack comes with tons
of personality cards,
which include "Mom who does triathlons,"
"Someone whose whole thing is weed."
"Person who pretends
to have a question at a Q&A,
but it's really just an excuse
to monologue about their life,"
and more, including the brand-new
couples expansion deck.
Uh, all right,
we're not gonna get divorced,
but we definitely do have issues.
[stammers] The whole thing
might be a sham
Oh, oh! [stammers] The couple who has
a Red Sox themed wedding!
- It us!
- [bell dings]
- [group cheers and laughs]
- It us! It us!
[spokesman] It Me! has over 15
different fun categories.
Oh, okay, uh,
I'm the person if you came over
to my house for dinner,
we would say things like,
- "Oh, these, we call these daddy beans."
- Oh!
The person whose family
has fucked-up names for food.
- [bell dings]
- Yes! It me!
It me! It me!
Okay, uh, I'm someone who calls bee pollen
"a creamy treat."
- Oh! You're anorexic.
- [buzzer rings]
Um My friend is actually anorexic,
- so please, don't say that.
- Oh!
You're someone who gets offended
on behalf of people you know.
But otherwise, you don't actually
get offended, and we're all like,
what's your deal?
Do you actually have to know someone
to be offended?
- [bell dings]
- It me!
[group cheers and laughs]
Whoo!
Okay, um
I'm the worst.
- Ooh.
- Oh
Oh, uh
- That's true.
- I'm the worst.
Ooh!
You're someone who says
they're not really that political--
Oh, yes, that is the worst.
- [buzzer rings]
- But no, I'm I'm the worst.
Someone who's really good at karaoke
even when everyone else is bad at karaoke,
and it's like,
"Why don't you be bad like us?"
- [buzzer rings]
- No. I'm I'm.. the worst.
Oh! [stammers] The friend who's always
reading books about milk!
- [buzzer rings]
- No! What friend is that?
No. Come on, you guys. I'm the worst.
Oh, you're a middle-aged man who puts
his hand on the small of your back,
and gets offended
when you say you're creeped out.
- It me!
- [bell dings]
Yes! Creepy!
[group cheers and laughs]
- Ah!
- [group laughs]
Ooh, someone who believes in ghosts.
Someone who posts non-stop
about their social media break.
Someone who's always breaking their neck,
and then never getting it fixed.
- No!
- Who are the people you know?
I don't know
- [goofy] It me!
- [playfully] It me!
- It me! It me!
- [bell dinging]
- Girl
- [group laughs]
- it be me.
- [dinging continues]
Lock me up in jail
and throw away the joke,
'cause you better believe this me.
- It me!
- [bell dings]
[group laughs]
And there was still sand
in the plastic timer.
[spokesman] Buy It Me! and spruce up
game night today.
I'm me!
[animated music stops]
[yelling] I don't know how
to play the game!
- [upbeat music plays]
- And guys, fellas,
you might think you have a normal life,
but could your wife be
a bit of a dude?
We'll sit down with the creator
of the hit show, Husband Wives,
when we come back.
- [audience applauds]
- [fist thuds]
Ow! Motherfu--
- [screen chimes]
- [cursor ticks]
[easygoing music plays]
I'm Patricia Palmer,
and I'm the CEO of Dermapress,
the world's most successful
skin graft company.
I guess my day is [blows raspberry]
pretty typical.
I wake up at 4 a.m. and run full speed
up a vertical treadmill
until I see black. [chuckles]
I then make a quick
water and bone marrow smoothie,
and take a titanium helicopter
to the office.
Here, I spend most of the day
going clomp, clomp, clomp
all around the building
in my high heeled shoes,
and doing big meetings
about buying skin. [takes a breath]
I have a boiling hot latte for lunch,
and once that throat stops bleeding,
I do an Ironman.
I don't have a lot of free time right now,
because last month
I gave birth to three Teslas.
I'm writing a book about feminism
called Don't Stop, You Weak Bitch.
[inhales] I hope little girls read it.
I guess I'm just a relatable
girl's girl everywoman.
Stay Traegus. You'll have to get Traegus.
[whacks model]
- [screen chimes]
- [cursor ticks]
- [guitar riff plays]
- I'm Sammy Nashville,
and this is "The Step and Cry."
Let's mess some shit up and get hurt.
[all yell] Yeah!
[country rock music plays]
[country rock music fades]
[women whooing]
[scale rattles]
Did you guys fuck with the scale?
[woman yell and laugh] Yeah!
It's a really shitty number.
- [helmet rattles]
- Dude, we're the same size.
- You saying I don't look good?
- I'm not saying that.
I'm saying I work out a lot. Like--
Why are white women
so weird about their weight?
Hey, you know what? Now I'm mad.
I'll hug you guys.
All right, what can we do?
- I hate men.
- Who needs love?
[automated voice] Mom Alert.
Just watched a new show,
forget what it's called.
Dad didn't like it,
and I fell asleep.
- [audience applauds]
- Okay, so,
what is this?
I don't know.
And how does it work?
I don't know, I
I found it.
And then I came here. I got--
I came here on
To the-- to the show.
Cool. So
Can you tell us
a little bit more about it?
I I came on to--
[easygoing music playing]
[upbeat ending credits playing]
Slip into your house shoes ♪
There ain't nobody like you ♪
And with all your favorite friends
Playing pretend, pretend, pretend ♪
Oh, oh! ♪
You're the captain of the pontoon ♪
Now it's time
Yeah, you know it's true ♪
And with all your favorite friends
Playing pretend, pretend, pretend ♪
Oh, oh! ♪