The Jeff Dunham Show (2009) s01e04 Episode Script

Font color="#ffff00" captioning sponsored by triage entertainment Achmed: greetings, infidels.
And now please welcome The only man who signed my turban when i broke my skull, Jeff dunham! (Audience cheering) thank you so much! Wow! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you so much! Wow.
Thank you for that.
You know, on the way here i was sitting in traffic Thinking about how i still can't believe that i'm here Doing my own television show in los angeles.
Then i got shot at on the freeway, Some old lady flipped me off, And then i realized, "yep, i'm in los angeles.
" Well, we have a great show tonight, And who better to start it off with Than my good friend peanut? (Audience cheers) (Laughing) Hi.
How you doing, peanut? I'm doing pretty good.
I'm fine.
But before we start the show, I have a big, big announcement to make.
-You do? -Yes.
(Clears throat) I, peanut, have decided to go solo.
Solo? Yeah, you know, where i'm by myself.
Wha what? What, are you deaf? Read my lips.
By myself! I know you're upset.
Don't cry.
You can call me.
I have a new phone number.
It's (555)555-5555.
That's not a real number.
I know.
You know in twilight when edward dumps bella? Yeah.
Well, you're the anemic white chick with no powers.
(Applause) Maybe you'll find a horny she-Wolf somewhere.
Do you really think you're gonna go solo Because you recorded this one dance song? It's not one dance song, it's the dance song! Whassup, players?! It's your homeboy peanut, And i'm at paramount recording To lay down an off-The-Hook club hit for rhapsody.
Com.
Helping me out by singing backup is the one and only shakira, Which in spanish means "An ass you can bounce a quarter off.
" Ha! And since every huge recording star needs a posse, meet mine.
Wow, this recording studio's really neat.
Did you see the giant woofers? I need you to act cool for once, Not like you're the 40-Year-Old virgin.
So, uh, where's that girl shakira at? She's not on the list.
We don't have shakira scheduled to come down.
I can't believe it.
I sent a text to her web site and everything.
I know.
We're in hollywood.
Right.
So we'll just get some other hot piece of ass who can sing.
How about you, josh? No.
Can you sing like shakira? No.
Close? No.
You both have long hair.
Okay, josh, let's try this.
Repeat after me: i want your peanut child i want your peanut child for the ladies for the ladies think it, like it, talk to it think it, like it, talk to it How high are you right now? Yeah! How the hell am i gonna find a backup singer? Walter's wife's bowling partner? Yeah.
This woman must be 900 years old.
This couldn't be less gangsta If i was being backed up by ryan seacrest.
I like ryan seac Just don't talk.
Knock-Knock -Hi.
Peanut: -Hi.
I'm kundry black.
You're walter's Wife's friend? -Yeah.
Okay, out, everyone! Get the hell out! So, um I think we've got chemistry, kundry, But, uh, i make no promises That you're gonna vacuum this purple rug, you dig? Oh my god.
So i thought we'd, uh, get to know each other By making a little mix on rhapsody.
Com.
You know, rhapsody offers subscriptions To music to match any mood.
They paid me to say that.
So, kundry black, what kind of music do you like? I like the old soul music.
That's good.
How about, uh, let's see, sir mix-A-Lot "Baby got back"? Okay.
That's a pretty odd one, But yeah.
That's a classic, wouldn't you say? Yeah.
So what do you want to put on this thing? How about, uh, santana? "Oye como va.
" Ooh, whatever you just said, i like it.
Yeah, okay, it-It's french.
Yeah, let's do that one.
Yeah, i like that one.
(Breathy): it's getting hot.
Very hot.
Pretty creepy.
I am feeling the vibe.
Nick, let's, let's do this! (Hip-Hop beat playing) my name is peanut, and i likes to get crazy i was on the move like an eye that's lazy can't help it if i'm mental, my dna's insane just like bubba would be smarter if he only had a brain i give the finger to the media lyin' wikipedia, dumped a girl on her birthday 'cause she was actin' needy-A some people say the ladies will leave because i'm wack but once you go purple, you never go back ooh, he gets peanuts he gets p-Crazy he gets p-Wild he gets peanuts he gets p-Stupid i want his peanut child how do i get crazy? I kick it up a notch i once put itching powder in sweet daddy's crotch i once broke out of prison by dropkicking the jailer i once stole a keg out of bubba j's trailer i took walter's bowties and sold 'em on e-Bay put dunham on the dating site that's all about the gay pay attention 'cause i'm coming 'round the bend drop the chorus, shakira, i mean walter's church friend ooh, he gets peanuts oh, yeah! he gets p-Crazy he gets p-Wild, yeah, yeah he gets stupid.
How was that, fellas? (Audience cheering, applauding) (Cheering continues) What? Since when did they put you in my video?! I'm-I'm your-Your posse.
And that's why i'm going solo! It's bubba j.
Next up, i go to the pretty doctor lady, And after that, the terror guy talks to a mannequin And walter makes funny noises like this (belches) (Chuckles) i burped.
it's walter's relationship advice! Walter: i hate this already.
What's your frickin' problem? Uh, well, i kind of miss my country.
I want to move back to europe.
And it's been really hard to find a job here.
Why do you think you deserve to steal a job From an honest, hardworking mexican? that was walter's relationship advice! Walter: holy crap.
(Applause) (Laughing) That was funny, and i didn't get it.
So, bubba j, how are you feeling tonight? Well, feeling like having a beer.
Bubba j, you drink so much, i just worry about your health.
Oh, i'm healthy as an ox.
Ah.
No, wait, a horse.
A budweiser horse.
(Laughter) I love those horsies.
They're all named clyde and dale, did you know that? And they pull around a magical beer wagon.
Filled with the delicious elixir of mind-Numbing golden nectar Of the drunken gods.
In the great honky-Tonk in the sky.
Are you okay? I think i'm thirsty.
(Laughter) Does your wife drink, too? Oh, it's more than two.
What has your doctor told you about drinking beer? Uh, i don't like to go to the doctor.
Why? Watch the giant television.
Ooh.
Hello.
I'm dr.
Hsu.
So you're here for your checkup today, right, bubba j? They said i had to get a checkup.
-Right.
-And that meant a doctor, And that means a scary hospital place.
Well, i'm going to try to make it As-As-As least scary as possible.
-Okay.
-Okay? Not doing any good.
I'm still kind of ready to poop.
Oh.
What's that scary thing on your neck? It looks like something that you'd use to catch a dog.
This is a stethoscope.
See, here, look, i'm just going to put it on you, just very gent (Groans) aw.
What does it do? Well, if i put this in my ear I can listen to your heart and lungs.
The aliens on the spaceship said they just wanted to listen To my heartbeat, too.
But then they took pictures of my insides And stuck things in my butt.
That was the worst new year's eve ever.
I'm not going to put Anything in your butt, and i'm not going to take pictures of your insides.
But i am going to listen to your heart.
-I don't know.
-Oka You sure? It's okay.
No, it looks too big.
It what? No! Oh, okay.
You're making me all freaked out and stuff.
We'll try something else.
Can i look in your mouth? You're not going to pull the teeth? Not going to pull your teeth.
Okay, 'cause just take a look.
it took me a while to get 'em at this angle.
Ah Aw, too close! Am i done? The next thing is, We're gonna try to check your blood pressure.
-Please.
-Here we go.
Okay.
And now it's just going to squeeze you for a second.
It's getting real tight.
Yeah.
All the beer is going to pour out.
It's not going to pour out.
It feels like snakes on a plane! Get it off of me! Take your squeezy machine and go back to space! Okay, okay, okay, okay.
That's what you are.
This is how they did it on the ship.
You're not a pretty doctor lady.
You're an evil alien in a pretty lady body.
You're like hillary clinton, i knew it.
Don't kill me with your death paddles.
Now i know how this goes.
First, you're all like, "this isn't gonna hurt.
" Then i wake up in a field three days later With a hangover and a metal rod coming out of my corn hole.
So, bubba, i'm gonna send you To a colleague of mine who i think will be able to help you get over Your fears of doctors and hospitals.
A colleague? Yes.
Does that mean he went to "colleage"? So bubba j, i want you to tell me, why did you come here today? Well, debbie, i was kidnapped by an alien, And they probed me in my downstairs And now i'm scared of doctors Because i also think they're aliens Who are going to go in my downstairs.
Okay, bubba j, i want you to take a deep breath.
(Loud inhale) That's good, and just let it out through your mouth.
(Loud exhale) Just imagine a place that's very peaceful And very relaxing.
You talk slow, like we're related.
Allow yourself to continue to go deeper and deeper.
That's what she said.
When was this first experience? The first experience with the alien? Yes.
Or with my cousin? With the alien.
Those two get confused together, 'Cause it involves some of the same things.
Bubba j, could you describe the aliens for me? One had a sombrero.
Oh, and then i saw An alien selling oranges at the bottom of a freeway ramp.
The males had big mustaches, And the females had bigger mustaches.
And then they tried to take my job.
Fortunately, i don't have one.
Well, bubba, i think i know what your problem is.
You do? Hey, bubba j, how are you? I'm doing a lot better now.
It turns out i ain't afraid of aliens, I'm afraid of illegal aliens.
Jesse: excuse me.
Do you validate parking? (Screaming) (Applause) So, bubba j, are you still afraid of doctors? No.
In fact, the hypnometizer lady Said if i came back she could analyze my dreams.
What dreams? The dry ones.
(Laughter) What? Okay, um, what? The, you know The ones of me running on the beach with danica patrick.
Oh, that's a good dream.
And i'm naked.
We didn't need to hear that part.
And she reaches over, smiles and shifts me.
(Applause) Greetings, infidels.
Coming up next, I show you my skills in tae kwon do.
Don't change the channel or i keel you! (Audience cheering) Oh, thank you! Greetings, infidels! So, achmed, you've been threatening to destroy america For a few years now.
Yes, i have.
Is there anything about this country that you actually like? The cheesecake factory.
What else do you like about this country? Professional foot with balls.
What? You mean, "football.
" Oh, of course, yes.
And what do what do you like about football? I like to watch the guy with the balls get tackled.
Although, it would be quicker if they just shot him.
Do you have football where you're from? (Gasps) you've never heard of the cacasbul cacas? -All right.
-Yes, but in our version, -When the quarterback throws a bomb -Yeah? it is actually a bomb.
Of course.
-And we don't have a coin toss.
-No? No, it's a hand grenade hot potato.
Achmed, i never knew you were so into sports.
Are you kidding me? I am an orange belt in taekwondo.
-Really? -Yes.
I began taking taekwondo With my instructor here, master lima.
But ever since i started, One thing has really been bugging me.
What the hell is That place next door? "A touch of romance.
" Adult videos? I have never seen an adult video.
If i'm not back in an hour, call the police.
Hi.
Welcome to a touch of romance.
Holy chocolate easter bunny.
Who are you? My name is mo.
How can i help you today? I'm here to learn about your store And to watch my first adult film.
I've been looking and not understanding what it is That i am seeing in this place.
This is an adult novelty store.
We have a bunch of goodies.
Is it like bubble gum that tastes good for adults? Now, i have bubblegum lubricant, If that's what you're looking for.
What am i trying to lubricate? Whatever you're trying to enter.
Please don't rape me.
Hello.
I am achmed.
Uh, i'm here just doing this thing For a tv show that i'm the star of.
I didn't think it was that cold in here.
You could cut diamonds.
Hey, honey.
I'm kind of a big deal on youtube, okay? So drop the attitude.
So, achmed, We have a bunch of movies for you to choose from.
Is there anything with will farrell? I'm a big fan of his.
No will farrell here, unfortunately.
No will farrell? I might want to start you off a little mild.
We have these here.
If you can see Holy camel crap! Mo, don't look.
There's naked parts on there.
It's okay.
No, don't look! My eyes! My eyes! Okay, let me put that back.
Oh, thank you.
I have other types of movies.
I have, um, milf.
I'm not sure what this milf is.
It stands for "mother i'd like to" (Gasps) -Yeah.
-Fry? -Not quite.
-Okay.
It's with the more mature ladies.
Deep-Fry? That's right.
Yes, i thought so.
I also have instructional, too.
I have gonzo movies.
I have fetish, which has whips and chains And all that good stuff.
(Whimpers) Master lima, i am freaking out.
There are more adult videos in the world Than black kids at madonna's house.
Is there any taekwondo wisdom Which will help me make my choice? You know, like, "The thoughtful bear always defeats the frivolous monkey"? Yes, my "home-O-Work.
" I don't know what home-O-Work is.
But home-O-Work? Did you say "home-O-Work"? Homi home-O-Work.
That's kind of like what i saw next door.
Some of the videos.
They were doing their "home-O-Work.
" Holy crap! All right.
You two have fun.
I'm glad you're here.
(Funky music plays) Did you mean what you said? Of course i did.
Why did she order a pizza If she didn't have enough money to pay the guy? Achmed: will someone please explain what's going on? Master lima, i do not understand the plot.
I told you he was a genius.
(Cheering and applauding) So, jeff, what is your favorite adult movie? Oh, i-I don't watch that stuff.
But you have all those tapes in your home And the dvds And the videos on your computer and your ipod.
We-We'll be right back.
(Cheering) This is going to sound like a pick-Up line, But i haven't blown up anyone since we met.
And not that it matters, But seriously, real or fake? That's our show.
Thanks for watching.
We'll see you next time.
Good night! Captioned by media access group at wgbh access.
Wgbh.
Org