The Jim Gaffigan Show (2015) s01e04 Episode Script

1 [man beatboxing.]
[man humming and beatboxing.]
Do you think the kids know I'm charging them for all these drop-offs and pickups? Do I charge you for all the things I do? Ah, it's different for you.
You're a caretaker.
I'm a provider.
You take care of people, and I provide you with someone to take care of.
You love your kids.
Not as much as I love making 'em.
Oh, hello there, young lady.
What is happening? Stop! [laughs.]
- [buzzer sounds.]
- Oh! Daniel is coming over.
- I totally forgot.
- [sighs.]
All right, I'm getting out of here.
I'm not in the mood to deal with the snarknado today.
You don't have to leave.
I got to meet Dave anyway.
You know, maybe if you greet Daniel with kindness, he'll be nicer to you.
Hey, it worked for Poland in World War II.
Why can't you two just get along? You don't understand why I don't like being insulted constantly by your ex-boyfriend? Jim, he's gay.
You say that like it justifies his behavior.
"Your Honor, I did dump the toxic waste, but I'm gay.
" - You're being ridiculous.
- Yesterday, he told the kids my head was originally a case for carrying regular sized heads.
- [laughs.]
- You think that's funny? Now, I have to go stuff food in my mouth until the feelings stop.
- Morning, Jeannie.
- Good morning, Daniel.
Good morning, Daniel.
Good morning, Jim.
Oh, here.
I got you the cronut from Dominique Ansel Bakery.
I stood in line for an hour behind Heidi Klum.
No makeup, still gorgeous.
You got me the cronut? The c Wait.
What do you want? Nothing.
Can't I just do something nice for my friend Jim? Is it poisoned? Show me where the poison is; I'll eat around it.
Jim, I'm in a good mood.
I sold two apartments yesterday.
I got invited to the super-secret sale at Barney's, and my father is visiting from Palm Beach.
(Jeannie) Oh, no.
I see what's going on here.
Oh, yeah.
What's going on here? Jim, every time Daniel's father comes to town, he invites us to dinner so that you can serve as a buffer between him and his father.
- That is not true.
- That is true, Daniel.
Your relationship with your dad is never gonna get better if you always bring Jim along.
Daniel thinks his father finds you more interesting than him.
Why wouldn't he? Daniel, Jim just said that he's more interesting than you.
How do you feel about that? - He might be.
- Aha.
I knew it! Daniel, it's obvious that you're using Jim.
You're using me? I should've known.
You think you can just get me a delicious, flaky, still warm cronut, and that I'll forget all the abuse you levied at me, and I'll just go out to dinner with you? - Is that what you think? - Well, why wouldn't you? Why wouldn't I? Why wouldn't I? Well, for starters, Daniel's father is a big scotch drinker.
- Do you remember what happened the last - Yeah! time we went to dinner with him? I mean, no.
What what happened? Yeah, that's the problem.
Ah.
Sorry, Daniel.
Your dad's a nice guy, but I'm not going.
And this is not about Jeannie.
I make my own decisions in my house.
It's up to me.
C can I keep the cron all right, just take it.
You know what? It was a dumb idea.
I apologize.
You're probably busy, anyway.
Yeah, well, I got Dave's mom's benefit, so I can't do it.
All right.
Well I guess it'll just be me and my father, alone, dining together at Smith and Wollensky.
Daniel, that is just dirty.
Smith and Wollensky's, huh? Yeah.
If I went not that I'm gonna go if I went, um could I get the porterhouse? Of course, and a wedge salad with that crumbled blue cheese you love.
- It's so crumbly, right? - Mm.
- How many sides? - Hypothetically, if you were gonna go, as many sides as you want.
Definitely, the hash browns.
Well, you have to get the hash browns.
That's just it's stupid to go there and not get the hash browns.
Jim, I-I know you're in the middle of a hash brown flashback, but didn't you just say something about a previous commitment? - What time's your show, Jim? - I go on at 9:30.
Well, dinner's at 7:00.
You can eat a lot of perfectly aged steak in two and a half hours, fella.
Daniel, just go to dinner with your father, okay? And Jim, for your own self-respect, be strong.
Can we visit the meat locker where they age the meat? Just let them try and stop us.
Let me see if Blanca can babysit.
I I can't believe you're gonna go out to eat before my show.
Dave, I'm always eating.
I eat before I do stand-up, after I do stand-up.
I'm still trying to figure out a way to eat while I do stand-up.
All right comedians bring drinks on stage.
Why can't I, you know, have some ribs up there? - You're kidding, right? - Kind of.
You know, it's it's gonna be fine.
Dinner's at 7:00.
I go on at 9:30.
I'm only doing 20 minutes.
It's not just any 20 minutes, man, all right? It's my mother's Hadassah group, - so don't do any anti-Semitic jokes.
- I'll try to hold back.
Attell's going on right before you, okay? So so try and stick to some of your safer, blander material.
What am I talking about? That's your whole act.
- Just do any of it.
- Relax, it's just a show.
We do 'em every night.
Yeah, trying telling that to my mother.
She's been hounding me about tonight for weeks, you know? I mean, I I I I hate performing in front of this woman.
I I feel like I'm auditioning to be her son.
You're just going on before your highly critical mother and her judgmental friends.
- No pressure.
- Good, now that's in my head.
Why? Why, why, why? [beatboxing.]
So that means that you have to pick up James at 2:00 on Thursday.
- Jim? - Sorry.
I was just thinking about what I'm gonna eat tonight.
That's frightening but typical.
- I don't want you getting drunk.
- Please, give me credit.
We've discussed this.
I'm going for the free food.
Alcohol will only take up valuable steak space.
One beer.
I'm serious.
All right.
Besides, I have Dave's show afterwards.
Watching him bomb in front of his mother is gonna be the highlight of my year.
You look amazing.
Thank you.
So do you.
It's nice to see you dressed up.
Hold on.
You didn't wear a blazer to Maggie's Christening, but you're wearing one to eat steak? That was just church; this is Smith and Wollensky's.
[beatboxing.]
Ah, there's my favorite human garbage can.
- Hey, sweetie.
- Hi.
He talks about food like a Shriner talks about hookers.
- We've all got our goals.
- [laughs.]
Arty, nice to see you again.
- Danny, what's up? - Your table's ready.
- We're gonna go through the kitchen.
- Only way to go! The kitchen.
We're going through the kitchen.
- Oh.
- Are you moaning? I'm I'm just excited.
This is gonna be amazing.
Danny, let's get some drinks here.
- Jimmy, you want a scotch? - I'll have a beer, thanks.
You want a tampon with that beer? [laughs.]
No, I, ah, got kind of drunk the last time we did this, - so Jeannie and I agreed - You're gonna let her boss you around? I don't let her.
She makes me.
Hey, Yoko.
Let your husband have a real drink for Christ's sake.
Danny, scotches all around.
I will have a Grey Goose Martini up with - olives, please.
- Nonsense.
You'll get a scotch.
Four scotches coming right up, Art.
It is so good to have all of you here because I have something I want to say.
- [groans.]
- Whoa, Dad! Dad! Are you okay? Dad? Gotcha.
[laughs.]
That's dirty.
Look at his face.
Your face was amazing.
Jim, one scotch.
Please, you don't have to worry.
- One.
- [laughs.]
We got to get the hash browns.
We're getting the hash browns, right? [laughter.]
Sorry, everybody! Ugh! Thank you.
Thank you.
What's your problem, Yoko? (Jeannie) That is your third scotch.
Well, they must not be very strong, 'cause I'm not even drunk.
Sorry, Danny.
Can I interest anybody in some dessert? If I had any more interest, I'd be a bank.
[laughs.]
Can we get four pieces of cake, and you guys want something? [laughter.]
Coffee, please.
Enough to sober up a horse.
Maybe even a pail of it.
Cakes and coffee, coming right up.
Thanks.
Jim.
Jim, you got to slow down.
You gonna let her talk to you like that? You're not the boss of me.
- Excuse me? - Nothing.
Sorry, boss.
Art, did you hear that Daniel sold two apartments yesterday? That's great, son.
You know, you never even really believed I was gay.
You always thought it was an act, admit it.
What are you talking about? I've known you were gay since you were a boy, and I never cared one bit.
I was talking to Jim.
Oh, I always knew you were gay.
I just never liked you.
[laughter.]
Thanks a lot, Dad.
Come on.
Daniel, get him back.
This guy's like a walking recessive gene.
This is a layup.
That's a basketball term, Daniel.
[laughter.]
Ah, oh.
[Art stammering.]
Dad, come on.
It's not gonna work again.
No, no.
God, this I'm serious this time.
Oh.
- Dad? - Art.
- Dad! - Got you again.
[laughter.]
You're good at that.
You're good.
- You're good.
- That's not funny, Art.
- It's not funny.
- Why are you two even a couple? He's so fun.
Oh, you're the designated downer.
[laughter.]
Jim, why did you marry such a lightweight? Dad, Dad.
Leave her alone.
Now, Art, I am many things, but I am not a lightweight.
I gave birth to five children in our bathtub.
It's true.
She was screaming so loud, I woke up a couple times.
[laughter.]
I'm gonna have another one of these.
- Make it a double.
- Coming right up.
Do you want a tampon with that? [laughs.]
It's not as funny when you say it to a woman.
[all speaking at once.]
.
All right.
All right, all right.
Dad, let let let's get you in a taxi.
Hey, nonsense.
What? It's 9:00.
Man, the night is still young.
- This is New York City! - Argh! Let's go to a club, Jimmy.
I can't.
I got to do a show.
- He's got a show.
- Ooh, fun.
Where's your where's your show? Ah, I don't know, I ah but it's important, and it's for old people.
And you're an old person.
You should come.
Sounds excruciating.
Dad, let's go.
Come on.
Daniel, we'll go see Jimmy do his thing, and then we'll get a nightcap.
(Jeannie) Those bastards lost my coat, my favorite coat.
I g I'm gonna sue.
I told that coat check girl she's never gonna check coats in this town again.
I got I got your coat.
- Oh, thanks, honey.
- I'll get a cab.
I will have a scotch and a Med-Alert bracelet for Rumpelstiltskin.
[laughs.]
Kidding.
He'll have a scotch and one for the mopey gay guy.
Wait, w where's Jim? He's probably in the bathroom or eating or both.
Okay, good because Attell just did a 20-minute bit about his grandma's douche powder.
And if you want to see 60 elderly Jewish women frozen in terror, you should step right inside.
Art, this is Dave.
He's a degenerate.
- Hey, Art.
Bringing it in, huh? - Hey, come here, you.
Okay, lots of hugging.
Hey, so I hope Jim's the sober one in the group.
- He's sober as a mud fence.
- All right.
I don't know what that means.
Tell Jim he's on in two minutes.
I'm gonna go count the fatalities.
- So wow, wow.
So good.
So good.
- I don't think they got the - douche powder thing.
- No, no, no.
That was good.
- No, that was good.
- Where you going? What are you looking at? Relax, Wolf of Wall Street.
Can I get yes, thank you.
Okay, I think you'll really I think you'll really nah, you're going to enjoy this next guy quite a bit, I think.
Ah The Wall Street Journal called him the king of clean comedy.
No need to fasten your seat belts.
It's gonna be a very smooth ride.
My good friend, Mr.
Jim Gaffigan.
Thank you very much.
Thank you so much for thank you.
It's, ah I don't know why I have to be introduced as a clean guy.
I mean, that's kind of bull [bleep.]
.
I mean, it's not like I'm just, you know, like the guy who's just how about I'm just the funny guy who doesn't have to say [bleep.]
and [bleep.]
and [bleep.]
And [bleep.]
bag and [bleep.]
, you know what I mean? It's just like called "Mr.
Clean Comedy.
" - [bleep.]
you.
- Oh, my God.
- How do I do that for an hour? - That's why the dirty thing just worked.
(Dave) That was I know, I know.
I went short.
I'm sorry.
Short? Really? You thought that was gonna be my critique? It's Art's fault.
- He's an in badfluence.
- No, it's a blue flaten a flat bluance.
What have you guys been drinking, lighter fluid? We're drinking scotch.
You got a problem with that, Jack? Wow, charming and an angry drunk.
I'm not angry.
You're angry.
And you know what else? You're short.
I hope all you guys are driving.
(Art) Here.
Your anxiety is making me sober.
[laughter.]
I'll tell you something.
That show might've been a train wreck, but my mom and her friends - thought I did the best.
Yay, let's go to Sardi's to celebrate.
(Jeannie) Oh, yeah! We're all going to Sardi's, everybody! Jim's paying! Well, not everyone's going.
I mean, ah, it's a private thing.
I don't I don't I don't know you.
Why can't I have a father, you know, who likes shopping and and and and talking on the phone? I think that's called a mother.
(Daniel) Look at him.
He's he's so pompous, you know, and and and argumentative.
He's constantly insulting people.
He is? Man, I thought I hated looking in the mirror.
Oh, you think your kids are gonna like you when they grow up? I don't know, but they're gonna like me more than they like you.
[laughs.]
Just go talk to him, my God.
Ask him to dance.
He's good.
(Dave) Hey, ah, what do you say next time, we go someplace where there are, like, some women under 60.
I feel like I'm in a Viagra commercial.
Oh, my God.
Sweet Emotion Sweet Emotion [rock music.]
[music slows.]
Hmm.
[clears throat.]
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Hmmm.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Mmm.
[laughs.]
- Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
- Your face.
- I love felafels.
- Those are gyros.
I love those too.
(Jeannie) All these years I've lived in New York, I've never been on the ferry.
I love this.
Lady Liberty.
The lights of the city.
The breeze in my face.
It's so beautiful.
[retches.]
She okay? Oh, yeah.
She's been pregnant five times.
Throwing up's a second language to her.
- [retches.]
- You all right? Get it out, baby.
Get it out.
[Art laughing.]
Hey, Dave.
How you doing? Coo coo ca choo, Mrs.
Robinson.
(Jim) I didn't know we were on the love boat.
You know what? You're not funny.
- I don't think you're funny.
- You know what? Tough beans, Daniel.
It's what I do for a living.
People think I'm funny.
- I was talking to my dad.
- Oh.
You're not funny, either.
You know, Daniel, I've always tried to be a good father to you, and I've always accepted you for who you are, but you have never accepted me.
I just wish Oh, come on, Dad.
- Oh, is he pretending? - We're not falling - for it.
- I love when he does this.
Dad, please.
All right.
Work it.
Work it.
Get all the attention, Dad.
Stand back.
I'm a nurse.
He's fine.
You're a nurse? That's hot.
Somebody call 911.
This man is having a heart attack.
- What? - No, no, no, wait.
No, no.
Hold on.
Hold on.
- Wait.
- That can't be.
You guys you guys look like you've been to Kabul.
[laughter.]
It was a blood pressure spike, not completely serious, but I've contacted his cardiologist.
He's totally stable now.
Let me just get a release form signed, you'll be good to go.
Thank you, Doctor.
Now, that's a nice looking doctor.
[laughter.]
We should probably let Art rest.
- How about waffles? - Jim.
I'm not saying Art has to make 'em.
I have to get ready for my grandson's Bar Mitzvah.
- Oh, mazel tov.
- Yeah.
We're gonna go get some coffee from the cafeteria.
- Coffee's okay, but not waffles? - Jim, stop.
That was a close one.
Listen, uh Dad, I, uh You know, that's as close as I've ever come to a near-death experience, and at the moment when I hit the deck, I thought, "I wish I were closer to my son.
" What's the deal with us, Daniel? I don't know.
I I don't know how to talk to you.
Well, maybe it would be easier to talk if there weren't so many people around.
The next time I come to New York, it'll just be the two of us at dinner.
Yeah, and I'm afraid we'll just sit there - staring awkwardly at each other.
- Ha That's what my father and I did.
Hell, why should it be any different for us? I love you, son.
I love you too, Dad.
Ooh, you guys.
- That was so beautiful.
- So nice.
- I'm so sorry.
- Oh, what the hell? Oh, we thought that was the exit, and it's not really the exit.
We heard you guys talking.
- We didn't want to interrupt.
- It was great.
(Dave) Had to stick around 'cause it was Art, you are free to go.
- Hey! - Here, have a little.
You want to join us for breakfast? - Someone brought up waffles.
We could - Jim.
How about the two of us go alone, Dad? All right.
That's a good plan.
- Yup.
- Oh Oh, ah, it it it wouldn't be weird if we were at the same restaurant but different tables, right? I mean what? I mean, the waffle thing was my idea.
There could be, like, a father/son table, - and then a husband and wife table.
- Okay, we're gonna go.
Dave, what about a friend/friend table? - Don't talk to me.
Please.
- You like waffles.
Your friends are stinking drunks.
Yeah, I know.
I hate them all.
[beatboxing.]
[Blanca speaking Spanish.]
Mommy! Daddy! Mommy, Daddy, Mommy! Why is there a strange man in our tub? I think he's dead.
What? Is that Art? [Jim grunting.]
[laughs.]
[laughs.]
Did any of you guys get the number of that little hottie I was with last night? I think it was 70.
70.
Is that Brooklyn? (Simon & Garfunkel) Coo coo ca choo, Mrs.
Robinson Jesus loves you more than you will know