The John Bishop Show (2015) s01e04 Episode Script
Episode 4
1 APPLAUSE AND CHEERING MUSIC: Hey! Pachuco! by Royal Crown Revue Hey! Pachuco! Hey! # Summer '43 # The man's gunning for me # Blue and white mean war tonight # They say damn my pride # And all the cats living down the east side # Tonight, there's no place to hide # Hey, Marie # You better grab my jack and zip gun for me # Cos I'll face no shame Tonight's the night I die for our name CHEERING Hey! Pachuco! Hey! CHEERING Hey! Pachuco! Hey! CHEERING Ladies and gentlemen, please put your hands together for Spark Fire Dance! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE How great is that at the start of the show? And to be fair, I don't think there's anything more English than fireworks.
We invented fireworks, obviously, to celebrate Guy Fawkes, who's a man who came down to ruin the English Parliament.
SCATTERED CHEERS We don't need it now, we've got the SNP.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I'm not having a go! No, I'm not having a go, I don't want any Scottish people to go mad, I like the SNP, I like Nicola Sturgeon, she's like that maths teacher that you fancy but you just don't know why.
Are there any Scottish people in? CHEERING Listen, we love Scotland, I love Scotland, some of the funniest things that have happened to me have happened in Scotland.
It's also the place where I had the best heckle ever.
A heckle that I had no answer to.
I was doing a gig at the Edinburgh Festival, if any of you have been, you'll be familiar, there's a gig at the festival called Late And Live.
It starts at one o'clock in the morning.
One o'clock is when it starts.
You can imagine the audience you get at one o'clock in the morning.
It runs for the month, but of a weekend, what happens is you get all the local people come in.
So, you get the people from Leith, and Paisley, and Glasgow.
All the rough lads, the builders.
They all come in.
They all get drunk during the day and they go, "We'll go to one show in the Edinburgh Festival.
"We'll go to Late And Live.
" They've been drinking, it's the first show they've been to, it's one o'clock in the morning.
It's a nightmare.
I'm waiting to go on stage, three acts have been on before me, this is about eight years ago, this.
Three acts have been on before me, they've all been booed off.
All been booed off.
I'm waiting to go on, and what's mad about it is, you get all of these rough Scottish builder types in there, but you also get the people from Cambridge Footlights.
In the same audience, it's like the bar in Star Wars.
You know, when you've got people from different worlds, who should never be in the same place? You've got tattooed builders from Leith, and lads sat there wearing cravats, it makes no sense.
You don't know how to pitch the comedy.
I walk on stage, and everyone's been booed off, I thought, "Right.
"I'm not going to get booed off, I'm not going to show them I'm scared.
" I walked on with a stool.
I just sat on this stool, it was about 1.
45 in the morning when I got on.
Surveyed the room, and I just sat down.
I said, "All right, everyone, I'm John.
" And then this fella shouted something out in a Scottish accent.
But not the nice Scottish accent.
No, to be fair, there's two Scottish accents, isn't there? There is! There's the Sean Connery Scottish accent, where you think, "Ooh, I can almost smell the heather off the glen, "and taste the whisky and hear the bagpipes.
" And then there's the other Scottish accent that sounds like they've been drinking Irn-Bru with gravel in it, and you think, "Jesus, I'm going to get stabbed in the head.
" It was THAT Scottish accent.
I just heard this voice going, "Hey! Are you a Scouse?" You know one of those voices where you think, "God, he's been punched a lot.
"And I better not look at him, because I know he can fight me.
" But I thought, "I won't show I'm scared.
" This is a drunken room full of disparate people, like baying dogs, if I show I'm scared, they're going to jump on me.
I just thought, no.
So I just casually went, "Well, if by that, you're asking me was I born in Liverpool" LOUD WHOOPING I've got to be honest with you, the enthusiasm wasn't that great.
I said, "Well, if you're asking me, was I born in Liverpool? "The answer's yes.
" And then almost immediately, someone from this side of the room shouted out, but a posh voice, "Uhh uhh uhh!" You know when you don't even have to see them to know what they look like? HE BRAYS When someone's that posh, they don't need vowels.
HE BRAYS And from this side of the room comes, "Hey, hey! "Hey, does that mean you were inbred?" GROANING And I just went I said, "Inbred? Inbred? "Coming from someone whose voice obviously indicates that "they're coming from a very small gene pool? "Somebody who's lived on the privilege of other people, "who's kept the workers down because you've had the false economy "that's kept you in a position that you didn't believe "because it's not a meritocracy, it's an aristocracy, that evolved people like you?" CHEERING That's what I should have said.
But instead, I said, "Hey! Knobhead! "If you're suggesting that cos I'm from Liverpool, "we've all been inbreeding with each other, "I'm going to come downstairs and kick your teeth out.
" "Then he went, "Oh, oh, no, no, what I meant was, "were you in the '80s sitcom, Bread?" APPLAUSE There's just no answer, is there? I just went, "Er No, sorry, mate, no, I wasn't.
" Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for your first act? AUDIENCE: Yes! Everyone on this show has been somebody that I've picked, genuinely, all hand-picked.
Every show I do, I try and get this guy on because he's been funny from the moment I met him.
Please welcome to the stage, Mr Hal Cruttenden.
CHEERING Oh, hello! Lovely to be here, this is beautiful, isn't it? Hackney Empire, so beautiful, in such a very rough part of town.
It's not rough, of course, it's not rough.
Nowhere in the UK on a world scale is rough.
Yeah? If you were someone from, I don't know, Colombia, or Mexico, or South Africa, or Iraq, and you heard someone going, "Don't go to that area of Hackney" You would piss yourself with laughter, wouldn't you? That's like us hearing someone say, "There's some very rough areas of Leamington Spa.
" We talk about rough, nowhere We love talking about crime.
I was sitting with my friends talking about what we'd do if someone broke into our house, and all my male friends become ninjas.
Yeah? All my male friends do that thing of going, "Whoa, whoa, hold on a second.
"Well, umif someone broke into my house, "with my wife and kids inside "I don't want to be held responsible for what I'd do to that person.
" I'm just sitting there thinking, "God, I don't want to be held responsible either, "because I might crap myself and run away, I don't know.
" I had a friend who literally said, "Someone breaks into your house, "grab them, drag them upstairs, beat them up upstairs, "when the police arrive, tell them they came upstairs "and that's why you attacked them.
" And I was going, "I've got a bad back, I can't drag someone upstairs!" I'd have to be subtle.
I'd have to go, "Oh, you've broken into my house.
"Perhaps you'd like to come upstairs?" I do have a bit of a camp voice, don't I? I do have a camp voice.
I am heterosexual.
I've been married to my wife 15 years.
People say stupid things, don't they? "15 years, ooh, you get less for murder.
" You don't, do you? I've checked.
LAUGHTER And why do we compare marriage to prison? There's far more sex in prison, isn't there? APPLAUSE It is wonderful to be married for such a long time, it is wonderful to wake up every day with the same face beside you in bed.
For the rest of your bloody life.
Joking! It's not the same face - my wife's ageing quite rapidly.
I promise you, that is not true, my wife is stunningly beautiful, stunningly beautiful.
This is how we met - I'm in a bar, she walked in, I saw her and literally went, "Wow".
Like that.
It wasn't like that story your grandad tells.
Always like, "Your gran walked in the room, "and I turned to my mate and said, 'I'm going to marry that girl.
' "And women's rights being what they were, she had no option.
" LAUGHTER No, but it was amazing, my wife is way out of my league, and it just happened, the planets were aligned a certain way that night, it was luck.
I was so drunk, I had no fear.
And she'd just come out of a dodgy relationship, her self-esteem was on the floor - bang, the magic happens, amazing! Five-and-a-half months later we were married.
People say, "You just know.
"We just knewshe was pregnant.
" And she's quite exotic, as well, she's Northern Irish.
We got Northern Irish people here? Yeah.
It's not a great accent for the bedroom, is it? NORTHERN IRISH ACCENT: "TAKE ME NOW!" "OK, great" "GUESS WHAT I'M WEARING UNDER THIS DRESS?" "I don't know, bulletproof vest? I'm not sure.
" "DO YOU WANT ME TO TIE YOU UP?" "If you let me go free, I won't tell a soul.
Not anyone.
" It's a wonderful country, Northern Ireland's a wonderful place.
I went to the Titanic exhibition in Belfast.
Amazing.
Only in Northern Ireland could they celebrate building a ship that LAUGHTER .
.
sank on its first voyage.
They have a saying in Belfast about the Titanic, this is absolutely true.
NORTHERN IRISH ACCENT: "It was fine when it left here.
" That's what they say.
I'm not sure it was.
You watch the film Titanic, you will hear southern Irish accents, English accents, American accents, southern European accents.
You won't hear one Northern Irish accent in that film.
They built the bloody ship, they must have been offered freebies.
"No, no, it's fine, you go, enjoy yourselves.
"Don't count the lifeboats.
"Enjoy the craic.
" "There's a crack?" "I'm saying nothing.
" Do you know, on the Titanic, if you're a woman, your chance of survival was 75%.
If you're a man, your chance of survival was 20%.
Cos of the incredibly unfair "women and children to the lifeboat" rule.
LAUGHTER I'd have been trying to get in a lifeboat.
I'd have been putting my wife and kids, going, "Are you sure you don't want me to come with you?" "No, we're very proud.
" "I am the main breadwinner, aren't I?" "We've got insurance, we love you!" We do this the whole time.
We prize women's lives as more important than men's.
Something terrible happens - "Women and children were among the dead.
" Children, that's always awful when they die, always terrible.
Women LAUGHTER How'd you get into the kids' group? What you doing in there? How'd you wheedle your way in with the kids?! I'm guessing maybe it's recompense, recompense for the fact we live in a very sexist world.
I believe that, totally true.
We are allied to Saudi Arabia, a country where women are second-class citizens.
It's horrendous, buthas anyone ever had that fantasy about taking their wife there for a surprise weekend? I know it's wrong! I know it's wrong! It's a fantasy.
Get on the plane, doesn't know where she's going, land in Saudi, turn to her and say, "Put that on, shut the hell up.
" It's just, it's just, it's fantasy! I would not do that to my wife, I really wouldn't.
My wife grew up on a tough Northern Irish council estate, she is not to be messed with.
I went to private school in West London, I've I've already been messed with.
I don't agree with private school, I really don't, I think they're a disgrace, I think they should be gotten rid of, razed to the ground, destroyed on the day my youngest leaves sixth form.
Get rid of them.
They're terrible, they take away from state schools.
There are great state schools, especially the Church schools.
Oh, the Church schools are great, aren't they? My kids went to a Church primary.
I don't know if any other parents here just read the Ofsted reports and the Sats results from the Church school and just felt that God was calling them.
LAUGHTER It's terrible, we had our own prayers.
We were at the back of the Church going, "Dear Lord, please deliver us from the nasty secular primary.
"But lead us not to the temptation of going private.
"For thine is the Church school, top of the Ofsted reports "for ever and ever, amen.
" We are so shallow down our road, if they built a massive school on our road called something awful, like The Isis al-Qaeda Terrorist Faith Fundamentalist Primary School .
.
but the Ofsted reports and the Sats results were off the scale there'd be middle-class mums standing outside in full burqas going, "Sarah, is that you?" "Yes, it is, Jane.
" I bloody promise, I promise you.
"Well, little Jack did so well at Taliban Tots, we're just" You've been a delight, you really have.
Thank you very much for having me, I've been Hal Cruttenden.
Thank you, thank you.
CHEERING Smashed it.
Ladies and gentlemen, Hal Cruttenden! AUDIENCE: Woo! Brilliant.
And also, to be fair, very, very true.
My kids actually went to a Church primary school, I got married in a Catholic church.
And I have to tell you, that was an experience.
Because what happened, my family moved out of Liverpool when I was very young, so we moved away before I could get into the whole cycle of the Roman Catholic Church, and when me and Melanie were getting married, she said, "I want to get married in a Catholic church.
" I said, "OK.
" And we went to meet the priest, he said, "Are you christened a Catholic?" I said, "Yeah.
" He said, "Have you got your Holy Communion certificate?" I said, "No.
" He said, "Well, you're going to get married in a Catholic church, "you need to take your Holy Communion.
" I was in love.
I AM in love.
LAUGHTER I said, "That's not a problem.
"Of course, for love, I'll take my Holy Communion.
" People in here who are non-Catholics won't know that you take your Holy Communion, depending on the diocese, somewhere between the age of seven and ten.
That's when you take it, not when you're 25.
I turned up at church to take the Holy Communion and there's little girls in big frocks.
There's lads in little orange ties, with their parents.
There's me, at the back, walking down like You could see all the parents going, "Oh, God love him, "look at the size of that one.
" It was a nightmare.
Outside, they were getting sweets.
What did I get? Frig all! Now, we have a slight change of pace.
We have somebody who's an Associate of the Royal Academy of Music.
Playing one of her songs from he repertoire, please welcome Vikki Stone.
CHEERING This is a song about my love ofscience.
# Y does equal MC squared # And why did Higgs boson keep hiding? # What is the meaning of life? # Please tell me we're more than a few cells dividing And is poor Schrodinger's Cat alive and well, despite being dead? LAUGHTER # The man that can answer all this has the stars in his eyes # And a brain in his head # He's a particle physicist, subatomic theorist # He was even a mid-nineties pop star and pianist # On top of that he's becoming a silver fox Ladies and gentlemen, Professor Brian Cox! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Brian # And now, I'm 'sposed to be listening to the theory # That the greater the mass, the greater the pull # Of gravity # But despite the history of general relativity My black hole's warping whenever you're on TV LAUGHTER # So take me on a journey that's interplanetary # We'll stargaze all night and then maybe you will see # That the multiverse combined with the complex string theory # Dictates there's a dimension where, Brian, you will agree # To smash your atoms into my dark matter # Give my wormhole a right good batter # Bend me over your periodic table # Make the centre of my star unstable # Be my own Mr Apollo # Give me your Milky Way and I will swallow # I'll bet you'd make my eyes grow wider # If you showed me your large hard-on collider # So, let's have a Big Bang, let's do it at the speed of light # Professor Brian Cox, you look like you could last all night # So, come on, Prof, and split my atom # Make me have a ring like the one round Saturn # Stop ignoring my love letter # Cos thingscan only get better # I wonder if-a you # Wonder if I mean what I've said # Well, like Schrodinger's Cat, the way to find out is to take me to bed Oh, no, I don't mean bestiality, I mean, observing the reality SHE SWOONS # Forget about cats, Brian # It's confusing enough all this quantum duality # I'm no particle physicist, no atomic theorist # But by singing this song I now hope you know I exist And that I don't exist, eh, Brian? I've been listening! LAUGHTER # My beautiful scientist! That was called The Cox Song.
Thank you very much! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE AUDIENCE: Woo! BRIAN LAUGHS Hello! Hello.
WOLF WHISTLES Hi, Brian! Ladies and gentlemen How brilliant is that? Oh.
AUDIENCE SCREAMS Brian What can I say? How good is that, to have a song like that written about you? I Would you like to see my hard-on collider? Yes.
Right, you two can go and get a room, ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for Vikki Stone and Professor Brian Cox! BRIAN CHUCKLES Lovely.
Innit lovely when you bring a couple together? I feel like the new Cilla.
Ladies and gentlemen, got a guest on now that I am so pleased to bring her on the show.
Because when I first worked with her, which would have been about eight or nine years ago, she just blew me away, she was so, so funny.
I can't tell you how happy I am to bring on the stage, please put your hands together for the very funny Tanyalee Davis! Mwah.
Oh, woo.
Eh? All right, soak it in.
LAUGHTER It's all right, we're going to deal with the obvious.
I'm different - I'm Canadian.
I'm also what you guys call mixed race.
That's right, I'm a white girl I'm a black girl.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE So, you're going to notice, I call myself a midget.
Oh, very controversial, yeah.
Most people don't realise the term "midget" is actually considered quite offensive, a bad word amongst the little people community.
Most little people prefer the term "little person" or "dwarf".
Like I said, I don't give a shit.
It's just a word, right? It's all about context.
I understand that most people assume I'm a midget, but that you also assume I gotta have midget friends.
Ooh, like there's packs of us hanging around together! Little scooter gangs of midgets just terrorising the city, woo! Power to the pygmies - beep-beep! Actually, one of the coolest times I ever had was with another little person, cos one night we got really drunk on cough syrup LAUGHTER And we'd go down to the town park, hang out amongst the flowers and pretend we're garden gnomes.
APPLAUSE We'd freak out old people, like, "Boo! "Boo!" But this is my job, this is what I get to do for a living, I get to travel all around the world doing comedy.
As you can imagine, I do spend a lot of time in airports.
Do I look like a security threat to anybody in here? Holy crap, they still ask me to take my shoes off - my feet are this big! If I've got a bomb in these shoes, my ass is the only thing going up in flames.
And this fat ass is going to muffle any sounds.
SHE MIMICS MUFFLED EXPLOSION "Shit, where did she go?" LAUGHTER I just think it's how funny how they think I might be a terrorist.
Yeah, that's right, I'm the head of the elf-Qaeda.
It's been a great couple of years for me, yeah, travelling, within a five-month period I got to perform in eight different countries around the world, I got to do my first tour in Japan - that was exciting.
I'm huge in Japan.
I've been top-to-bottom in the UK over the last 11 years, it's great.
I think the farther north you go, the more crazy people are, would you agree with me on that? Yeah, oh, we got any Geordies in? They are proper loco, aren't they? Oh, I love Newcastle, but you know it's a rough city when they've got bouncers at the Greggs.
I love doing gigs in Liverpool, Scousers get a bad name, I love Scousers.
Especially ones named John Bishop - ooh.
Oh, I was zipping around through Liverpool, these two girls were laughing and pointing and staring at me.
Most of the time I'm oblivious to this, but I looked at these two chicks and they were orange! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Really? I'M a freak? You look like a Wotsit! I think my favourite part about travelling is staying in hotels.
Hotels are fantastic, cos other people clean up your shit.
I'm a slob.
The one thing I don't like, and this is international - I don't like when the maids make the bed.
Know what I'm talking about? Can they put the sheets, the duvet any TIGHTER on the mattress? Is this really necessary? Maybe they got a staple gun, some Super Glue.
Cos I come in from a gig, I'm tired, I'm pissed.
I just want to go night-night.
Try to pull the sheets back, I have to put my legs up against the wall.
Finally slide in there, I feel like I'm sleeping in an envelope.
Agh, screw it, I'll just sleep in the pillowcase.
LAUGHTER SHE SIGHS So I love coming to this country.
I do a lot of shopping in this country, I get a lot of my cute tops in this country.
But I notice that the shops, you guys put all the cute tops on the upper racks, don't you? And you put the trousers and the skirts low down, ya bastards.
It's all right, I got a big mouth, I'm not afraid to ask for help.
However, I found a better solution.
Started shopping at Primark! That's right, you people throw that shit all over the floor.
It makes my life so much easier.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Thanks a lot, you guys, I'm Tanyalee Davis.
AUDIENCE: Woo! INDISTINC Ladies and gentlemen, Tanyalee Davis! Right, are you ready for some music? AUDIENCE: Yeah! Obviously, with a big Saturday night show like this we've spared no expense.
That's why we've brought an internationally famous group all the way from West London.
Singing their hit song Handsome from the album English Graffiti, please welcome The Vaccines! CHEERING # Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God, oh, God, oh, God, oh, God, oh, God # They're gonna eat me up for breakfast # You think you look good in whatever they sugar-coat you in # If my body is a temple you can worship at my feet # But it might kick you in the teeth some # So even when you're spitting blood # You would save a thought for me # Cos I got so down I held the world for ransom # Lonely, bored and bad, thank God I'm handsome # So handsome # I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know # I should be picking up the pieces # But it doesn't really matter as once you thought it would # When you got nothing to lose # Everybody else I know would talk to me of misery as if it was contagious # So come to me and promise me you'll catch me if you can # Cos I got so down I held the world for ransom # Lonely, bored and bad, thank God I'm handsome # I'm as awful as they come, oh, what a pity # So, I thank the lord above that I am pretty # So pretty # P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P # Pretty! # I'm p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p # So pretty! # Well, I got so down I held the world for ransom # Lonely, bored and bad, Thank God I'm handsome # Arresting, prepossessing and disarming # Oh, what a stroke of luck that I am charming # I am charming! # With a hand layed out upon me by committee # By committee! # I just thank the Lord above that I am pretty So pretty.
CHEERING Ladies and gentlemen, The Vaccines! How brilliant was that? Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for your next act? AUDIENCE: Yes! It gives me great pleasure to introduce the next act, because he is a Liverpool supporter.
CHEERING AND JEERS You can boo if you want, but he's not going to change his mind.
He's a Liverpool supporter, and this season, he actually borrowed my season ticket to go to a game, and because he owed me a favour, that's the only reason I've got him to come here.
All the way from Australia, please welcome to the stage, the fabulous Jimeoin! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE MUSIC: The Hanging Tree by Marty Robbins Right.
Yeah, all right.
You having a good time, yeah? CHEERING Don't worry, I'll zip through this.
Before I start, I'd just like to apologise.
I've got a bit of a strong accent and I tend to mumble quite a bit, as well.
HE MUMBLES HE MUMBLES .
.
so I did.
No, I did.
What else can I tell you about myself? I'm lazy.
Mm.
There's more to that routine, but I can't be bothered.
I do a little bit of mime in my act from time to time.
I'm not taking myself serious as a mime artist just because I'm on stage.
It's kind of lazy miming, the way we all mime.
I do phones, but I don't hang them up.
Open doors, just leave them open.
Other mime artists come on stage after me and they go, "State of this place.
" Don't remember opening that.
People always mime the cool things about smoking, it's never the bad things, is it? Now, I have a real problem remembering people's names.
I think what it is is I ask people their name and as they're saying it, I decide not to listen to that bit.
Then I'm thinking, "I can't ask them again "cos they're still saying it.
" You always look up there when you're trying to remember people's names.
I don't know why, but that's where you look.
"Oh, what's his name?" You look to different places depending on what it is you're trying to remember.
Your memories are scattered everywhere.
Short-term memory is on the ground.
You're doing something, you just can't remember what you're doing, you go "What was I doing?" There's nothing written there, but that's where you look.
Names are up in that corner.
Fond memories are on the other side.
"Ah Oh, yeah.
"That's right.
"It was a fantastic night, wasn't it? Yeah.
"What was her name? "What was I doing?" Everywhere you look, there's something.
Even at the sides, there's the details of memories.
Sometimes you're telling a story, you can't remember all the details.
You have to look to the sides for confirmation.
"You know that time we went to the pub with Barry and John and "Was John there?" You ask questions that side, you second-guess yourself that side.
"Was John there? No, that wasn't John.
"That was that other guy.
"What was his name?" "It was a good night, though, wasn't it? "What was I doing?" Regrets are right in front of you there going, "Yeahfucked up there.
"How am I going to move on from this?" You're not.
Regrets are for life.
The older you are, the more regrets you have.
That's why old people get up so early.
They're just waking up going, "Oh, man, I stuffed up there.
" And there's vague memories.
They're at the back of the room.
That's the largest section, vague memories.
You meet someone and they go, "Do you remember such and such from school?" You go "Vaguely.
" How do you remember someone vaguely.
What, can you see them in your head but every time you go to see their face they're going Yeah, there's lots of different memories.
Did you ever meet somebody that they remember something you've no memory of and they can't believe that you've forgotten it? They start going through it in detail, going, "What are you talking about? "You were there.
"You'd the hat on.
Remember the hat?" Sometimes they've got the memory wrong.
You go, "That couldn't have been me.
"I was living in London at that point.
" All of a sudden, you can see one of their clear memories just starting to go vague on them.
"That must have been that other guy.
"What was his name?" I forget most things.
I used to think the expression "Remember those who have fallen, "lest we forget" I used to think it was "unless we forget".
It just didn't make any sense to me.
"Remember those who have fallen "unless we forget.
" But we live in a society where people are continually trying to sell us stuff.
It can be overbearing to say the least.
I'm not going to go on about this, cos I cover it pretty well in my new DVD, but That's all from me.
Thank you very much.
Good night, thank you.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Ladies and gentlemen, Jimeoin! Brilliant.
Brilliant.
Now, this show evolved from doing two Christmas Specials for the BBC.
Did anyone see them? Yeah, you saw them.
They were great shows.
On each show, we had the following band.
They were singing on those shows, I am so pleased that tonight they're here to sing from their new album.
A classic song - How Sweet It Is To Be Loved By You, it's The Overtones.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE ALL: # How sweet it is to be loved by you How sweet it is to be loved by you Let's go.
# I needed the shelter of someone's arms # And there you were # Ba, ba # I needed someone to understand my ups and downs # And there you were # Ba, ba, ooh # With sweet love and devotion # Deeply touching my emotion # I want to stop # And thank you, baby # I just want to stop # And thank you, baby # How sweet it is to be loved by you # It's just like sugar sometimes # How sweet it is to be loved by you # Oooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh # Well! # Listen, baby # It's all because # You were better to me than I've been to myself # Been to myself # For me, there's you There ain't nobody else # I want to stop # And thank you, baby # I just want to stop # Stop # And thank you, baby # And thank you, baby # How sweet it is to be loved by you # Just like sugar sometimes, baby # How sweet it is to be loved by you # Oh, it's like honey from a bee # How sweet it is to be loved by you # Oooh-ooh, ooh-ooh # How sweet it is How sweet it is # How sweet it is To be loved by you, baby # How sweet it is # To be loved # By # Loved by you You.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thank you.
Ladies and gentlemen, The Overtones! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Brilliant, boys.
Brilliant! Ladies and gentlemen, The Overtones! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE What a great way of ending the show.
Please put your hands together for all the guests that I've had along tonight.
Thank you for watching.
I look forward to seeing you again.
Good night and God bless.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
We invented fireworks, obviously, to celebrate Guy Fawkes, who's a man who came down to ruin the English Parliament.
SCATTERED CHEERS We don't need it now, we've got the SNP.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I'm not having a go! No, I'm not having a go, I don't want any Scottish people to go mad, I like the SNP, I like Nicola Sturgeon, she's like that maths teacher that you fancy but you just don't know why.
Are there any Scottish people in? CHEERING Listen, we love Scotland, I love Scotland, some of the funniest things that have happened to me have happened in Scotland.
It's also the place where I had the best heckle ever.
A heckle that I had no answer to.
I was doing a gig at the Edinburgh Festival, if any of you have been, you'll be familiar, there's a gig at the festival called Late And Live.
It starts at one o'clock in the morning.
One o'clock is when it starts.
You can imagine the audience you get at one o'clock in the morning.
It runs for the month, but of a weekend, what happens is you get all the local people come in.
So, you get the people from Leith, and Paisley, and Glasgow.
All the rough lads, the builders.
They all come in.
They all get drunk during the day and they go, "We'll go to one show in the Edinburgh Festival.
"We'll go to Late And Live.
" They've been drinking, it's the first show they've been to, it's one o'clock in the morning.
It's a nightmare.
I'm waiting to go on stage, three acts have been on before me, this is about eight years ago, this.
Three acts have been on before me, they've all been booed off.
All been booed off.
I'm waiting to go on, and what's mad about it is, you get all of these rough Scottish builder types in there, but you also get the people from Cambridge Footlights.
In the same audience, it's like the bar in Star Wars.
You know, when you've got people from different worlds, who should never be in the same place? You've got tattooed builders from Leith, and lads sat there wearing cravats, it makes no sense.
You don't know how to pitch the comedy.
I walk on stage, and everyone's been booed off, I thought, "Right.
"I'm not going to get booed off, I'm not going to show them I'm scared.
" I walked on with a stool.
I just sat on this stool, it was about 1.
45 in the morning when I got on.
Surveyed the room, and I just sat down.
I said, "All right, everyone, I'm John.
" And then this fella shouted something out in a Scottish accent.
But not the nice Scottish accent.
No, to be fair, there's two Scottish accents, isn't there? There is! There's the Sean Connery Scottish accent, where you think, "Ooh, I can almost smell the heather off the glen, "and taste the whisky and hear the bagpipes.
" And then there's the other Scottish accent that sounds like they've been drinking Irn-Bru with gravel in it, and you think, "Jesus, I'm going to get stabbed in the head.
" It was THAT Scottish accent.
I just heard this voice going, "Hey! Are you a Scouse?" You know one of those voices where you think, "God, he's been punched a lot.
"And I better not look at him, because I know he can fight me.
" But I thought, "I won't show I'm scared.
" This is a drunken room full of disparate people, like baying dogs, if I show I'm scared, they're going to jump on me.
I just thought, no.
So I just casually went, "Well, if by that, you're asking me was I born in Liverpool" LOUD WHOOPING I've got to be honest with you, the enthusiasm wasn't that great.
I said, "Well, if you're asking me, was I born in Liverpool? "The answer's yes.
" And then almost immediately, someone from this side of the room shouted out, but a posh voice, "Uhh uhh uhh!" You know when you don't even have to see them to know what they look like? HE BRAYS When someone's that posh, they don't need vowels.
HE BRAYS And from this side of the room comes, "Hey, hey! "Hey, does that mean you were inbred?" GROANING And I just went I said, "Inbred? Inbred? "Coming from someone whose voice obviously indicates that "they're coming from a very small gene pool? "Somebody who's lived on the privilege of other people, "who's kept the workers down because you've had the false economy "that's kept you in a position that you didn't believe "because it's not a meritocracy, it's an aristocracy, that evolved people like you?" CHEERING That's what I should have said.
But instead, I said, "Hey! Knobhead! "If you're suggesting that cos I'm from Liverpool, "we've all been inbreeding with each other, "I'm going to come downstairs and kick your teeth out.
" "Then he went, "Oh, oh, no, no, what I meant was, "were you in the '80s sitcom, Bread?" APPLAUSE There's just no answer, is there? I just went, "Er No, sorry, mate, no, I wasn't.
" Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for your first act? AUDIENCE: Yes! Everyone on this show has been somebody that I've picked, genuinely, all hand-picked.
Every show I do, I try and get this guy on because he's been funny from the moment I met him.
Please welcome to the stage, Mr Hal Cruttenden.
CHEERING Oh, hello! Lovely to be here, this is beautiful, isn't it? Hackney Empire, so beautiful, in such a very rough part of town.
It's not rough, of course, it's not rough.
Nowhere in the UK on a world scale is rough.
Yeah? If you were someone from, I don't know, Colombia, or Mexico, or South Africa, or Iraq, and you heard someone going, "Don't go to that area of Hackney" You would piss yourself with laughter, wouldn't you? That's like us hearing someone say, "There's some very rough areas of Leamington Spa.
" We talk about rough, nowhere We love talking about crime.
I was sitting with my friends talking about what we'd do if someone broke into our house, and all my male friends become ninjas.
Yeah? All my male friends do that thing of going, "Whoa, whoa, hold on a second.
"Well, umif someone broke into my house, "with my wife and kids inside "I don't want to be held responsible for what I'd do to that person.
" I'm just sitting there thinking, "God, I don't want to be held responsible either, "because I might crap myself and run away, I don't know.
" I had a friend who literally said, "Someone breaks into your house, "grab them, drag them upstairs, beat them up upstairs, "when the police arrive, tell them they came upstairs "and that's why you attacked them.
" And I was going, "I've got a bad back, I can't drag someone upstairs!" I'd have to be subtle.
I'd have to go, "Oh, you've broken into my house.
"Perhaps you'd like to come upstairs?" I do have a bit of a camp voice, don't I? I do have a camp voice.
I am heterosexual.
I've been married to my wife 15 years.
People say stupid things, don't they? "15 years, ooh, you get less for murder.
" You don't, do you? I've checked.
LAUGHTER And why do we compare marriage to prison? There's far more sex in prison, isn't there? APPLAUSE It is wonderful to be married for such a long time, it is wonderful to wake up every day with the same face beside you in bed.
For the rest of your bloody life.
Joking! It's not the same face - my wife's ageing quite rapidly.
I promise you, that is not true, my wife is stunningly beautiful, stunningly beautiful.
This is how we met - I'm in a bar, she walked in, I saw her and literally went, "Wow".
Like that.
It wasn't like that story your grandad tells.
Always like, "Your gran walked in the room, "and I turned to my mate and said, 'I'm going to marry that girl.
' "And women's rights being what they were, she had no option.
" LAUGHTER No, but it was amazing, my wife is way out of my league, and it just happened, the planets were aligned a certain way that night, it was luck.
I was so drunk, I had no fear.
And she'd just come out of a dodgy relationship, her self-esteem was on the floor - bang, the magic happens, amazing! Five-and-a-half months later we were married.
People say, "You just know.
"We just knewshe was pregnant.
" And she's quite exotic, as well, she's Northern Irish.
We got Northern Irish people here? Yeah.
It's not a great accent for the bedroom, is it? NORTHERN IRISH ACCENT: "TAKE ME NOW!" "OK, great" "GUESS WHAT I'M WEARING UNDER THIS DRESS?" "I don't know, bulletproof vest? I'm not sure.
" "DO YOU WANT ME TO TIE YOU UP?" "If you let me go free, I won't tell a soul.
Not anyone.
" It's a wonderful country, Northern Ireland's a wonderful place.
I went to the Titanic exhibition in Belfast.
Amazing.
Only in Northern Ireland could they celebrate building a ship that LAUGHTER .
.
sank on its first voyage.
They have a saying in Belfast about the Titanic, this is absolutely true.
NORTHERN IRISH ACCENT: "It was fine when it left here.
" That's what they say.
I'm not sure it was.
You watch the film Titanic, you will hear southern Irish accents, English accents, American accents, southern European accents.
You won't hear one Northern Irish accent in that film.
They built the bloody ship, they must have been offered freebies.
"No, no, it's fine, you go, enjoy yourselves.
"Don't count the lifeboats.
"Enjoy the craic.
" "There's a crack?" "I'm saying nothing.
" Do you know, on the Titanic, if you're a woman, your chance of survival was 75%.
If you're a man, your chance of survival was 20%.
Cos of the incredibly unfair "women and children to the lifeboat" rule.
LAUGHTER I'd have been trying to get in a lifeboat.
I'd have been putting my wife and kids, going, "Are you sure you don't want me to come with you?" "No, we're very proud.
" "I am the main breadwinner, aren't I?" "We've got insurance, we love you!" We do this the whole time.
We prize women's lives as more important than men's.
Something terrible happens - "Women and children were among the dead.
" Children, that's always awful when they die, always terrible.
Women LAUGHTER How'd you get into the kids' group? What you doing in there? How'd you wheedle your way in with the kids?! I'm guessing maybe it's recompense, recompense for the fact we live in a very sexist world.
I believe that, totally true.
We are allied to Saudi Arabia, a country where women are second-class citizens.
It's horrendous, buthas anyone ever had that fantasy about taking their wife there for a surprise weekend? I know it's wrong! I know it's wrong! It's a fantasy.
Get on the plane, doesn't know where she's going, land in Saudi, turn to her and say, "Put that on, shut the hell up.
" It's just, it's just, it's fantasy! I would not do that to my wife, I really wouldn't.
My wife grew up on a tough Northern Irish council estate, she is not to be messed with.
I went to private school in West London, I've I've already been messed with.
I don't agree with private school, I really don't, I think they're a disgrace, I think they should be gotten rid of, razed to the ground, destroyed on the day my youngest leaves sixth form.
Get rid of them.
They're terrible, they take away from state schools.
There are great state schools, especially the Church schools.
Oh, the Church schools are great, aren't they? My kids went to a Church primary.
I don't know if any other parents here just read the Ofsted reports and the Sats results from the Church school and just felt that God was calling them.
LAUGHTER It's terrible, we had our own prayers.
We were at the back of the Church going, "Dear Lord, please deliver us from the nasty secular primary.
"But lead us not to the temptation of going private.
"For thine is the Church school, top of the Ofsted reports "for ever and ever, amen.
" We are so shallow down our road, if they built a massive school on our road called something awful, like The Isis al-Qaeda Terrorist Faith Fundamentalist Primary School .
.
but the Ofsted reports and the Sats results were off the scale there'd be middle-class mums standing outside in full burqas going, "Sarah, is that you?" "Yes, it is, Jane.
" I bloody promise, I promise you.
"Well, little Jack did so well at Taliban Tots, we're just" You've been a delight, you really have.
Thank you very much for having me, I've been Hal Cruttenden.
Thank you, thank you.
CHEERING Smashed it.
Ladies and gentlemen, Hal Cruttenden! AUDIENCE: Woo! Brilliant.
And also, to be fair, very, very true.
My kids actually went to a Church primary school, I got married in a Catholic church.
And I have to tell you, that was an experience.
Because what happened, my family moved out of Liverpool when I was very young, so we moved away before I could get into the whole cycle of the Roman Catholic Church, and when me and Melanie were getting married, she said, "I want to get married in a Catholic church.
" I said, "OK.
" And we went to meet the priest, he said, "Are you christened a Catholic?" I said, "Yeah.
" He said, "Have you got your Holy Communion certificate?" I said, "No.
" He said, "Well, you're going to get married in a Catholic church, "you need to take your Holy Communion.
" I was in love.
I AM in love.
LAUGHTER I said, "That's not a problem.
"Of course, for love, I'll take my Holy Communion.
" People in here who are non-Catholics won't know that you take your Holy Communion, depending on the diocese, somewhere between the age of seven and ten.
That's when you take it, not when you're 25.
I turned up at church to take the Holy Communion and there's little girls in big frocks.
There's lads in little orange ties, with their parents.
There's me, at the back, walking down like You could see all the parents going, "Oh, God love him, "look at the size of that one.
" It was a nightmare.
Outside, they were getting sweets.
What did I get? Frig all! Now, we have a slight change of pace.
We have somebody who's an Associate of the Royal Academy of Music.
Playing one of her songs from he repertoire, please welcome Vikki Stone.
CHEERING This is a song about my love ofscience.
# Y does equal MC squared # And why did Higgs boson keep hiding? # What is the meaning of life? # Please tell me we're more than a few cells dividing And is poor Schrodinger's Cat alive and well, despite being dead? LAUGHTER # The man that can answer all this has the stars in his eyes # And a brain in his head # He's a particle physicist, subatomic theorist # He was even a mid-nineties pop star and pianist # On top of that he's becoming a silver fox Ladies and gentlemen, Professor Brian Cox! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Brian # And now, I'm 'sposed to be listening to the theory # That the greater the mass, the greater the pull # Of gravity # But despite the history of general relativity My black hole's warping whenever you're on TV LAUGHTER # So take me on a journey that's interplanetary # We'll stargaze all night and then maybe you will see # That the multiverse combined with the complex string theory # Dictates there's a dimension where, Brian, you will agree # To smash your atoms into my dark matter # Give my wormhole a right good batter # Bend me over your periodic table # Make the centre of my star unstable # Be my own Mr Apollo # Give me your Milky Way and I will swallow # I'll bet you'd make my eyes grow wider # If you showed me your large hard-on collider # So, let's have a Big Bang, let's do it at the speed of light # Professor Brian Cox, you look like you could last all night # So, come on, Prof, and split my atom # Make me have a ring like the one round Saturn # Stop ignoring my love letter # Cos thingscan only get better # I wonder if-a you # Wonder if I mean what I've said # Well, like Schrodinger's Cat, the way to find out is to take me to bed Oh, no, I don't mean bestiality, I mean, observing the reality SHE SWOONS # Forget about cats, Brian # It's confusing enough all this quantum duality # I'm no particle physicist, no atomic theorist # But by singing this song I now hope you know I exist And that I don't exist, eh, Brian? I've been listening! LAUGHTER # My beautiful scientist! That was called The Cox Song.
Thank you very much! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE AUDIENCE: Woo! BRIAN LAUGHS Hello! Hello.
WOLF WHISTLES Hi, Brian! Ladies and gentlemen How brilliant is that? Oh.
AUDIENCE SCREAMS Brian What can I say? How good is that, to have a song like that written about you? I Would you like to see my hard-on collider? Yes.
Right, you two can go and get a room, ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for Vikki Stone and Professor Brian Cox! BRIAN CHUCKLES Lovely.
Innit lovely when you bring a couple together? I feel like the new Cilla.
Ladies and gentlemen, got a guest on now that I am so pleased to bring her on the show.
Because when I first worked with her, which would have been about eight or nine years ago, she just blew me away, she was so, so funny.
I can't tell you how happy I am to bring on the stage, please put your hands together for the very funny Tanyalee Davis! Mwah.
Oh, woo.
Eh? All right, soak it in.
LAUGHTER It's all right, we're going to deal with the obvious.
I'm different - I'm Canadian.
I'm also what you guys call mixed race.
That's right, I'm a white girl I'm a black girl.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE So, you're going to notice, I call myself a midget.
Oh, very controversial, yeah.
Most people don't realise the term "midget" is actually considered quite offensive, a bad word amongst the little people community.
Most little people prefer the term "little person" or "dwarf".
Like I said, I don't give a shit.
It's just a word, right? It's all about context.
I understand that most people assume I'm a midget, but that you also assume I gotta have midget friends.
Ooh, like there's packs of us hanging around together! Little scooter gangs of midgets just terrorising the city, woo! Power to the pygmies - beep-beep! Actually, one of the coolest times I ever had was with another little person, cos one night we got really drunk on cough syrup LAUGHTER And we'd go down to the town park, hang out amongst the flowers and pretend we're garden gnomes.
APPLAUSE We'd freak out old people, like, "Boo! "Boo!" But this is my job, this is what I get to do for a living, I get to travel all around the world doing comedy.
As you can imagine, I do spend a lot of time in airports.
Do I look like a security threat to anybody in here? Holy crap, they still ask me to take my shoes off - my feet are this big! If I've got a bomb in these shoes, my ass is the only thing going up in flames.
And this fat ass is going to muffle any sounds.
SHE MIMICS MUFFLED EXPLOSION "Shit, where did she go?" LAUGHTER I just think it's how funny how they think I might be a terrorist.
Yeah, that's right, I'm the head of the elf-Qaeda.
It's been a great couple of years for me, yeah, travelling, within a five-month period I got to perform in eight different countries around the world, I got to do my first tour in Japan - that was exciting.
I'm huge in Japan.
I've been top-to-bottom in the UK over the last 11 years, it's great.
I think the farther north you go, the more crazy people are, would you agree with me on that? Yeah, oh, we got any Geordies in? They are proper loco, aren't they? Oh, I love Newcastle, but you know it's a rough city when they've got bouncers at the Greggs.
I love doing gigs in Liverpool, Scousers get a bad name, I love Scousers.
Especially ones named John Bishop - ooh.
Oh, I was zipping around through Liverpool, these two girls were laughing and pointing and staring at me.
Most of the time I'm oblivious to this, but I looked at these two chicks and they were orange! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Really? I'M a freak? You look like a Wotsit! I think my favourite part about travelling is staying in hotels.
Hotels are fantastic, cos other people clean up your shit.
I'm a slob.
The one thing I don't like, and this is international - I don't like when the maids make the bed.
Know what I'm talking about? Can they put the sheets, the duvet any TIGHTER on the mattress? Is this really necessary? Maybe they got a staple gun, some Super Glue.
Cos I come in from a gig, I'm tired, I'm pissed.
I just want to go night-night.
Try to pull the sheets back, I have to put my legs up against the wall.
Finally slide in there, I feel like I'm sleeping in an envelope.
Agh, screw it, I'll just sleep in the pillowcase.
LAUGHTER SHE SIGHS So I love coming to this country.
I do a lot of shopping in this country, I get a lot of my cute tops in this country.
But I notice that the shops, you guys put all the cute tops on the upper racks, don't you? And you put the trousers and the skirts low down, ya bastards.
It's all right, I got a big mouth, I'm not afraid to ask for help.
However, I found a better solution.
Started shopping at Primark! That's right, you people throw that shit all over the floor.
It makes my life so much easier.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Thanks a lot, you guys, I'm Tanyalee Davis.
AUDIENCE: Woo! INDISTINC Ladies and gentlemen, Tanyalee Davis! Right, are you ready for some music? AUDIENCE: Yeah! Obviously, with a big Saturday night show like this we've spared no expense.
That's why we've brought an internationally famous group all the way from West London.
Singing their hit song Handsome from the album English Graffiti, please welcome The Vaccines! CHEERING # Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God, oh, God, oh, God, oh, God, oh, God # They're gonna eat me up for breakfast # You think you look good in whatever they sugar-coat you in # If my body is a temple you can worship at my feet # But it might kick you in the teeth some # So even when you're spitting blood # You would save a thought for me # Cos I got so down I held the world for ransom # Lonely, bored and bad, thank God I'm handsome # So handsome # I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know # I should be picking up the pieces # But it doesn't really matter as once you thought it would # When you got nothing to lose # Everybody else I know would talk to me of misery as if it was contagious # So come to me and promise me you'll catch me if you can # Cos I got so down I held the world for ransom # Lonely, bored and bad, thank God I'm handsome # I'm as awful as they come, oh, what a pity # So, I thank the lord above that I am pretty # So pretty # P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P # Pretty! # I'm p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p # So pretty! # Well, I got so down I held the world for ransom # Lonely, bored and bad, Thank God I'm handsome # Arresting, prepossessing and disarming # Oh, what a stroke of luck that I am charming # I am charming! # With a hand layed out upon me by committee # By committee! # I just thank the Lord above that I am pretty So pretty.
CHEERING Ladies and gentlemen, The Vaccines! How brilliant was that? Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for your next act? AUDIENCE: Yes! It gives me great pleasure to introduce the next act, because he is a Liverpool supporter.
CHEERING AND JEERS You can boo if you want, but he's not going to change his mind.
He's a Liverpool supporter, and this season, he actually borrowed my season ticket to go to a game, and because he owed me a favour, that's the only reason I've got him to come here.
All the way from Australia, please welcome to the stage, the fabulous Jimeoin! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE MUSIC: The Hanging Tree by Marty Robbins Right.
Yeah, all right.
You having a good time, yeah? CHEERING Don't worry, I'll zip through this.
Before I start, I'd just like to apologise.
I've got a bit of a strong accent and I tend to mumble quite a bit, as well.
HE MUMBLES HE MUMBLES .
.
so I did.
No, I did.
What else can I tell you about myself? I'm lazy.
Mm.
There's more to that routine, but I can't be bothered.
I do a little bit of mime in my act from time to time.
I'm not taking myself serious as a mime artist just because I'm on stage.
It's kind of lazy miming, the way we all mime.
I do phones, but I don't hang them up.
Open doors, just leave them open.
Other mime artists come on stage after me and they go, "State of this place.
" Don't remember opening that.
People always mime the cool things about smoking, it's never the bad things, is it? Now, I have a real problem remembering people's names.
I think what it is is I ask people their name and as they're saying it, I decide not to listen to that bit.
Then I'm thinking, "I can't ask them again "cos they're still saying it.
" You always look up there when you're trying to remember people's names.
I don't know why, but that's where you look.
"Oh, what's his name?" You look to different places depending on what it is you're trying to remember.
Your memories are scattered everywhere.
Short-term memory is on the ground.
You're doing something, you just can't remember what you're doing, you go "What was I doing?" There's nothing written there, but that's where you look.
Names are up in that corner.
Fond memories are on the other side.
"Ah Oh, yeah.
"That's right.
"It was a fantastic night, wasn't it? Yeah.
"What was her name? "What was I doing?" Everywhere you look, there's something.
Even at the sides, there's the details of memories.
Sometimes you're telling a story, you can't remember all the details.
You have to look to the sides for confirmation.
"You know that time we went to the pub with Barry and John and "Was John there?" You ask questions that side, you second-guess yourself that side.
"Was John there? No, that wasn't John.
"That was that other guy.
"What was his name?" "It was a good night, though, wasn't it? "What was I doing?" Regrets are right in front of you there going, "Yeahfucked up there.
"How am I going to move on from this?" You're not.
Regrets are for life.
The older you are, the more regrets you have.
That's why old people get up so early.
They're just waking up going, "Oh, man, I stuffed up there.
" And there's vague memories.
They're at the back of the room.
That's the largest section, vague memories.
You meet someone and they go, "Do you remember such and such from school?" You go "Vaguely.
" How do you remember someone vaguely.
What, can you see them in your head but every time you go to see their face they're going Yeah, there's lots of different memories.
Did you ever meet somebody that they remember something you've no memory of and they can't believe that you've forgotten it? They start going through it in detail, going, "What are you talking about? "You were there.
"You'd the hat on.
Remember the hat?" Sometimes they've got the memory wrong.
You go, "That couldn't have been me.
"I was living in London at that point.
" All of a sudden, you can see one of their clear memories just starting to go vague on them.
"That must have been that other guy.
"What was his name?" I forget most things.
I used to think the expression "Remember those who have fallen, "lest we forget" I used to think it was "unless we forget".
It just didn't make any sense to me.
"Remember those who have fallen "unless we forget.
" But we live in a society where people are continually trying to sell us stuff.
It can be overbearing to say the least.
I'm not going to go on about this, cos I cover it pretty well in my new DVD, but That's all from me.
Thank you very much.
Good night, thank you.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Ladies and gentlemen, Jimeoin! Brilliant.
Brilliant.
Now, this show evolved from doing two Christmas Specials for the BBC.
Did anyone see them? Yeah, you saw them.
They were great shows.
On each show, we had the following band.
They were singing on those shows, I am so pleased that tonight they're here to sing from their new album.
A classic song - How Sweet It Is To Be Loved By You, it's The Overtones.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE ALL: # How sweet it is to be loved by you How sweet it is to be loved by you Let's go.
# I needed the shelter of someone's arms # And there you were # Ba, ba # I needed someone to understand my ups and downs # And there you were # Ba, ba, ooh # With sweet love and devotion # Deeply touching my emotion # I want to stop # And thank you, baby # I just want to stop # And thank you, baby # How sweet it is to be loved by you # It's just like sugar sometimes # How sweet it is to be loved by you # Oooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh # Well! # Listen, baby # It's all because # You were better to me than I've been to myself # Been to myself # For me, there's you There ain't nobody else # I want to stop # And thank you, baby # I just want to stop # Stop # And thank you, baby # And thank you, baby # How sweet it is to be loved by you # Just like sugar sometimes, baby # How sweet it is to be loved by you # Oh, it's like honey from a bee # How sweet it is to be loved by you # Oooh-ooh, ooh-ooh # How sweet it is How sweet it is # How sweet it is To be loved by you, baby # How sweet it is # To be loved # By # Loved by you You.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thank you.
Ladies and gentlemen, The Overtones! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Brilliant, boys.
Brilliant! Ladies and gentlemen, The Overtones! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE What a great way of ending the show.
Please put your hands together for all the guests that I've had along tonight.
Thank you for watching.
I look forward to seeing you again.
Good night and God bless.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE