The Keith and Paddy Picture Show (2017) s01e04 Episode Script
Jaws
I'm Paddy McGuiness.
And I'm Keith Lemon.
And this is The Keith & Paddy Picture Show, where we recreate classic films in half hour with the help of an all-star cast.
(GRUNTS) We're here to believe you! 'But the challenge of remaking a Hollywood classic as accurately as we can was never gonna be easy.
' 'So we've had a documentary crew record all the drama behind the scenes as well.
' Can you just shut up and do what I asked you to do? 'As we struggle to get our remake to the screen.
' We're the biggest stars in British television, you want us to play a couple of lousy Ewoks? This week .
.
Jaws! (JAWS THEME) (MAN PLAYS HARMONICA) Where are we goin'? We're going swimming! Hey, slow down! Don't worry, I got this.
You're not even in this bit! Myleene Klass is taking her top off! (BOTH SPLUTTER) Come on, let's go swimming! Swimming? I'm friggin' knackered.
It's so nice.
I'm coming! (BREATHES HEAVILY) A-a-a-a-a-argh! A-a-argh! (SIGHS) I've got sand in my eyes.
A-a-a-a-argh! Argh! Cut! Oh, that were Bobbo! Cor, I love it.
Top form, Dave.
Top form? Top form.
Jaws, the story of a seaside town terrorised by a great white shark.
Now, recreating Jaws in half hour for TV wasn't gonna be easy, considering Steven Spielberg himself struggled to make the original film.
I weren't worried.
The one thing we knew we had to get right was the shark itself.
Spielberg found it nigh on impossible to recreate an authentic-looking mechanical shark.
Again, I weren't worried.
I already had some plans.
The one thing we knew we could nail was making us look exactly like the characters in the film - Chief Brody, as played by Roy Scheider .
.
and Matt Hooper, played by Richard Dreyfuss.
A young girl died out there and you're telling me as Chief of Police I can't close the beach? Hi, I'mI'm looking for Chief Brody? I'll call ya back.
I'm Brody.
How can I help? Hi, I'm Matt Hooper.
I'm from the Oceanographic Institute, you called me about a potential shark attack.
Oh, thank God, thank God, I'm so pleased you're here.
How can I get you started? I guess we look at the remains of the body, the girl on the beach.
OK, this way.
PADDY: 'We look good, don't we?' KEITH: 'I think I need more hair.
' PADDY: 'Definitely not.
' OK, ermname of victim, Christine Watkins, female, Caucasian.
Cause of death, probable boating accident? The height and mass of victim can only be estimated by a Frightened! (GIBBERS) (SPLUTTERS) No major organs remain.
Erm (CLEARS THROAT) (SPLUTTERS) Right arm erseverely damaged.
(SIGHS) Keith Lemon board game, that'd make an awesome Christmas gift.
There's a sweet little Keith Lemon doll, I guess that says a couple of phrases when you pull the string.
'Bang tidy.
Bang tidy.
Bang tidy.
' Keith Lemon hat.
What're you tryna say, Hooper? This was no boating accident, this was obviously a shark attack.
You gotta close the beaches immediately.
Oh, what's this? A BAFTA for Best Entertainment Performance, 2016.
Wow, I wonder who won that.
Cut! Merchandise not selling well? No, not really, no.
Now, the other lead role in Jaws is the character of Quint, the shark-catcher.
Oh, a great part.
Yeah, we had to get the casting right for this cos in the original film, they had real trouble with the actor who played Quint.
Robert Shaw.
Now, apparently he took an instant dislike to Richard Dreyfuss and he used to bully him in between scenes.
I can't believe that.
I know, I know, but we don't have to worry about that cos I've lined up a mate of mine to play Quint and he's one of the country's leading actors, Mister Stephen Tompkinson.
Paddy.
Steve, how are ya? How's it going, man? You all right? Good to see ya, so pleased you're doing this, pal.
My absolute pleasure.
Have you met Keith? Keith, Steve.
No, I haven't.
Hiya, Keith.
Nice to meet ya.
Nice to meet yo I used to love you on the show with the tigers and the Corrie bird.
She's lost some timber.
She looks fit.
Nice to meet ya.
Thanks for doing it.
Hey, it's a pleasure.
I'm really excited.
I've just got one tiny worry - how are we gonna do the shark? I'm taking care of the shark, don't worry about that.
Oh, r We're gonna do a thing called forced perspective.
I don't know if you know about a forced perspective.
You put something in front of the camera, right close up, and the thing in the back looks right small compared to the thing right at the front.
Right, yeah.
I mean, I've been in front of a camera now, on and off, for over 30 years now.
So you know about forced perspective.
Yeah.
You've probably used forced perspective.
No, I was just wondering how we're going to employ it on this.
Well, I can show you cos we're just trying something out now.
Let's have a look.
So, over here, we've got my mate Paul stood in front of what we call D'you know green screen? Y And that'll be all sea and stuff.
We've got a Ta, mate.
We've got erma fish here, and this will be the shark.
We'll put this in front of a camera and it will look big whilst Paul, in ratio, will look small.
The shark's coming (SINGS JAWS THEME) Oh, look, I'm gonna die! It's a massive shark! Who's gonna look after my kids? See how it works? It's really clever, how it works.
Anyway, come on, Steve, I'll show you where the dressing rooms are.
I've got some other ideas as well.
It's gonna be good.
Bit more vigour next time.
He's not only one of the country's best actors, he's one of the nicest.
Yeah.
If they close the beaches the tourists won't come, if the tourists don't come our businesses are ruined.
(BANGS GAVEL) Order! Thank you all for coming here today.
II know you're all worried.
That's why I called for the meeting today, so Chief Brody here can let us know how he plans to deal with the situation.
Chief Brody.
As some of you may know, a young girl was recently killed by a shark on one of our beaches.
We've hired some shark spotters - Are you going to close the beaches? Yes.
(PEOPLE PROTEST) But only for 24 hours.
I didn't agree to that.
Only for 24 hours.
(PROTESTING CONTINUES) (SCREECHING) (SLURS) You all know me, what I do for a livin'.
I'll catch a shark for him.
It ain't gonna be easy, aye, chasin' tommycod around the pond I'll take him, but it'll cost ya.
10,000.
Well - (QUINT GIBBERS) Shark like that will swallow you whole.
We can't tell what he's saying.
I'm sayin', a little tenderisin', down you'll go.
Well, I What I think Mr Quint is trying to say is that he'll catch the shark with his boat for $10,000.
And that is the end of the scene.
Cut! A committed performance there by Stephen Tompkinson.
I couldn't understand what he was saying in that scene.
Anyway, despite many of the problems they faced when making the original Jaws, they did get to shoot the beach scenes in the height of summer.
Martha's Vineyard, Massachusetts.
Gorgeous.
We planned to do a similar thing by filming in sunny South Africa, but we couldn't do that, could we, Patrick? No.
And why's that? I'll tell you why that is, because Patrick is scared of flying! Ow! It hurts my skin! Hey, I tried everything to get on that plane.
OK, now, Paddy, tell me how you feel when I show you this picture of a plane.
(BLEEP) Off! Anyway, none of that worked, so we had to film the following beach scene in Southend, in January! They'll never notice.
(WIND HOWLS) What's up, Brody? You seem tense.
They should have closed the beach for longer than 24 hours.
Look at it out there.
It's the hottest day of the year and the beach is packed.
Look at 'em in the water, they're just like sitting ducks out there.
Tony! Get in the water! It's freezing! You're a bloody stuntman! Get in! Proper under! (JAWS THEME) Pippet, Pippet! Where are you, you stupid dog? (JAWS THEME CONTINUES) Get outta the water! Get outta the water! Get out! (PEOPLE SCREAM) Get out! (WIND HOWLS) It's erm37C in South Africa.
That's all I'm saying.
That looks superb.
That's gonna be brilliant.
Hey, listen, you don't think my accent was too strong in that first scene, do you? No, no, it's er Well, maybe a little bit but (SCREAMS) (BLEEP) What the (BLEEP)? That works.
Make-up test for that bit where t'head comes out.
It works, don't it? Yeah.
The trouble is, we're not even doing that scene.
D'you mind if I have a word? About the make-up? It's really good, he's done loads of stuff.
Won't be a min This guy did it, who did erm Star Wars and Batman and stuff.
So ermhe knows what he's doing.
I have been an actor for a good number of years now.
Yeah, I've seen you on the donkey programme.
Thank you.
/fon I just wondered if I could give you a bit of advice? I've learnt a few do's and don'ts.
Ermyou do, for example, always try and make your fellow actors feel comfortable.
That's what I tell Paddy all the time.
And you don't try and make them look stupid.
I've told him that as well but I apologise And you don't ever try and undermine your fellow actors by, oh, I don't know, trying to re-explain what they've just said to everyone after they've given a very committed performance because you don't feel that they'll be understood.
Yeah, that's patronising, innit.
It is, it is.
You see, I don't blame you for not knowing this and, well, there is a lot to learn for someone who's basically just a tacky little game show host on ITV2.
With a BAFTA.
(CHUCKLES) Oh, we've all got awards, Drop The Dead Donkey won two Emmys.
Hey, Paddy, I've got tickets for the Middlesborough game on Saturday There's definitely tension there, Paddy.
I think he might be a knobhead.
No, you're being paranoid.
He's not a knobhead, is he? Anyway, with the shark claiming another victim, Hooper and Brody have no choice but to take up Quint's offer.
So they head out on his boat to hunt down the shark.
# Farewell and adieu to you fair Spanish maidens # Farewell and adieu, you ladies of Spain # Don't you worry about it, Chief, we'll catch that shark.
You just need to relax.
Nothin' gonna happen till the mornin'.
Now, you two ladies wanna see somethin' that'll stand your hair on end? Bull shark.
Bermuda in 1949.
I got it beat.
I got it beat.
Now, if you think Keith's drunken acting was impressive, there's a reason for that.
Because I'm a great actor? No, he was shit-faced.
Well, there's a reason for that, Patrick, because in the original film, Spielberg gave them permission to have a couple of drinks so the drunken scene was more authentic, it's called "method acting".
Oh, so you just had a couple of drinks.
Well, when is a couple not more than a couple? (STUTTERS) Yeah.
Seven.
Gok Wan, TV Choice Awards, 2006.
And if you think that's bad .
.
Loose Women, green room, Janet Street-Porter.
He doesn't need to see that.
Sit down, just ask him about the arm.
What's that one? That was a tattoo that I had removed.
It said "the USS Indianapolis".
You were on the Indianapolis? What's the Indianapolis? That was the ship that delivered the bomb, Chief, Hiroshima bomb.
On our way home, a Japanese sub took a dislike to us, sank three torpedoes into our side.
1,200 men went in the water.
They didn't see the first shark for about half an hour.
Tiger shark, 15-footer.
Four days we were in the water hopin' an' prayin' to be saved, but what we didn't know, Chief, is that no-one was comin' to save us.
Our mission had been so secret no-one even knew we were there.
The thing about a shark, Chief they got lifeless eyes, black eyes like a doll's eyes.
Anyway, 1,200 servicemen went in the water, 300 came out.
Sharks took the rest, June 29th, 1945.
(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS) What the hell are you doing?! Just getting some online content for Instagram.
My agent said I don't have enough presence.
Can we get a selfie? No, we can't have a (BLEEP) selfie, you (BLEEP)! I'm trying to (BLEEP) work here, you (BLEEP) idiot! Do you have any sensitivity at all underneath all that (BLEEP) hair? Like an orangutan in make-up who had a (BLEEP) child.
(SPITS) (BLEEP) Heck.
Sorry, Paddy.
I'm not bad at this method acting, am I, Paddy? Yeah, well done, De Niro (!) I'm gonna be sick.
Hey, I don't remember any of that, me.
No, you wouldn't.
I don't.
Now, of course, the genius of Jaws is how they turned the problems into advantages.
Spielberg knew his shark looked rubbish, so he decided to keep it off screen, which worked out brilliantly because the audiences found that more terrifying.
If he'd put me in charge of the shark, he would have stuck it in right from the very first scene.
(GASPS) The shark! Yeah.
Look, Paddy, no offence or anything, but are you sure Keith's the right man to be in charge of the shark? If we don't get that bit right, the whole thing's gonna look really stupid.
I know what you're saying, but he's not as thick as he looks.
Hey, I've sorted the shark business out.
What do you think to that? Actually, that's Yeah, I mean, size-wise Can we drop it in t'water, please? The thing is, in the original film, what they did, they had an animatronic shark.
It looked fantastic but they didn't test it in the salt water.
The minute they dropped it in, bang, blew up.
Idiots.
Seems to be er sat up a little bit the water there.
When you got it made, you did tell them it needed to go under the water? Well, I asked for a shark, sharks go under t'water, don't they? This one doesn't.
But look at the teeth.
What you've got there is an inflatable.
It looks good though, don't it, yeah? Well, as far as inflatable sharks go, this is very good.
I've got a back-up, so don't worry.
(JAWS THEME) Hooper should've surfaced by now.
(CRASHING) (SCREAMS) (GRUNTS) (GROANS) (SCREAMS) (WHIMPERS) (CRUNCHING) (SCREAMS) Cut! Wha-hey! Hey, that's gonna look all right, you know.
Really? Oh, I'm telling you, once they paint Keith out with that CGI imaging, oh, they'll buy that.
It's gonna look brilliant.
Yeah, that'll look good, that, when they paint it out with CGI.
We're not painting it out with CGI, are we? No.
I've spent all t'money on that inflatable shark, I told you.
PADDY: 'So Quint was dead.
' KEITH: 'But Stephen Tompkinson was finally happy.
' I don't know what Spielberg was complaining about.
Realistic mechanical shark, easy peasy, lemon squeezy.
So now it was just up to me as Chief Brody to bring the film to an end.
And me as Richard Dreyfuss.
No, you're not in this scene.
Your character's still hiding under the water.
What? (DRAMATIC MUSIC) Whoa, whoa, what you doing here?! Well, I'm not in t'climax, am I, otherwise.
Smile, you son-of-a-bitch.
Whoo-hoo! Yeah-ha! Whoo! Yes! I killed Jaws! I am the hero! I saved the day! Let's get back in scene.
D'you think we'll get back in on those? Credit where it's due, we've just recreated Jaws in half hour for TV.
I'm gonna say it, Paddy, I think it were better than t'original.
Hey, d'you think they'll know we didn't film this bit in t'sea? Not a chance.
That's that, then.
That's a wrap.
Well done, boys.
We didn't say the famous line.
"We're gonna need a bigger boat.
" BOTH: We're gonna need a bigger bo - # Show me the way to go home # Ba-ba dum-dum # Tired and I wanna go to bed # # Never gonna give you up # Never gonna let you down # # Te, te, te, te, te # Te-te-te-te-te, te, te, te # # Let it go, let it go # And Oh, Frozen! # I wanna fall from the stars # # I'm walking in the air # I'm walking under moonlit sky # # I'm horny, I'm horny, horny, horny # I'm horny, I'm horny, horny, horny tonight # I don't know t'rest of it.
And I'm Keith Lemon.
And this is The Keith & Paddy Picture Show, where we recreate classic films in half hour with the help of an all-star cast.
(GRUNTS) We're here to believe you! 'But the challenge of remaking a Hollywood classic as accurately as we can was never gonna be easy.
' 'So we've had a documentary crew record all the drama behind the scenes as well.
' Can you just shut up and do what I asked you to do? 'As we struggle to get our remake to the screen.
' We're the biggest stars in British television, you want us to play a couple of lousy Ewoks? This week .
.
Jaws! (JAWS THEME) (MAN PLAYS HARMONICA) Where are we goin'? We're going swimming! Hey, slow down! Don't worry, I got this.
You're not even in this bit! Myleene Klass is taking her top off! (BOTH SPLUTTER) Come on, let's go swimming! Swimming? I'm friggin' knackered.
It's so nice.
I'm coming! (BREATHES HEAVILY) A-a-a-a-a-argh! A-a-argh! (SIGHS) I've got sand in my eyes.
A-a-a-a-argh! Argh! Cut! Oh, that were Bobbo! Cor, I love it.
Top form, Dave.
Top form? Top form.
Jaws, the story of a seaside town terrorised by a great white shark.
Now, recreating Jaws in half hour for TV wasn't gonna be easy, considering Steven Spielberg himself struggled to make the original film.
I weren't worried.
The one thing we knew we had to get right was the shark itself.
Spielberg found it nigh on impossible to recreate an authentic-looking mechanical shark.
Again, I weren't worried.
I already had some plans.
The one thing we knew we could nail was making us look exactly like the characters in the film - Chief Brody, as played by Roy Scheider .
.
and Matt Hooper, played by Richard Dreyfuss.
A young girl died out there and you're telling me as Chief of Police I can't close the beach? Hi, I'mI'm looking for Chief Brody? I'll call ya back.
I'm Brody.
How can I help? Hi, I'm Matt Hooper.
I'm from the Oceanographic Institute, you called me about a potential shark attack.
Oh, thank God, thank God, I'm so pleased you're here.
How can I get you started? I guess we look at the remains of the body, the girl on the beach.
OK, this way.
PADDY: 'We look good, don't we?' KEITH: 'I think I need more hair.
' PADDY: 'Definitely not.
' OK, ermname of victim, Christine Watkins, female, Caucasian.
Cause of death, probable boating accident? The height and mass of victim can only be estimated by a Frightened! (GIBBERS) (SPLUTTERS) No major organs remain.
Erm (CLEARS THROAT) (SPLUTTERS) Right arm erseverely damaged.
(SIGHS) Keith Lemon board game, that'd make an awesome Christmas gift.
There's a sweet little Keith Lemon doll, I guess that says a couple of phrases when you pull the string.
'Bang tidy.
Bang tidy.
Bang tidy.
' Keith Lemon hat.
What're you tryna say, Hooper? This was no boating accident, this was obviously a shark attack.
You gotta close the beaches immediately.
Oh, what's this? A BAFTA for Best Entertainment Performance, 2016.
Wow, I wonder who won that.
Cut! Merchandise not selling well? No, not really, no.
Now, the other lead role in Jaws is the character of Quint, the shark-catcher.
Oh, a great part.
Yeah, we had to get the casting right for this cos in the original film, they had real trouble with the actor who played Quint.
Robert Shaw.
Now, apparently he took an instant dislike to Richard Dreyfuss and he used to bully him in between scenes.
I can't believe that.
I know, I know, but we don't have to worry about that cos I've lined up a mate of mine to play Quint and he's one of the country's leading actors, Mister Stephen Tompkinson.
Paddy.
Steve, how are ya? How's it going, man? You all right? Good to see ya, so pleased you're doing this, pal.
My absolute pleasure.
Have you met Keith? Keith, Steve.
No, I haven't.
Hiya, Keith.
Nice to meet ya.
Nice to meet yo I used to love you on the show with the tigers and the Corrie bird.
She's lost some timber.
She looks fit.
Nice to meet ya.
Thanks for doing it.
Hey, it's a pleasure.
I'm really excited.
I've just got one tiny worry - how are we gonna do the shark? I'm taking care of the shark, don't worry about that.
Oh, r We're gonna do a thing called forced perspective.
I don't know if you know about a forced perspective.
You put something in front of the camera, right close up, and the thing in the back looks right small compared to the thing right at the front.
Right, yeah.
I mean, I've been in front of a camera now, on and off, for over 30 years now.
So you know about forced perspective.
Yeah.
You've probably used forced perspective.
No, I was just wondering how we're going to employ it on this.
Well, I can show you cos we're just trying something out now.
Let's have a look.
So, over here, we've got my mate Paul stood in front of what we call D'you know green screen? Y And that'll be all sea and stuff.
We've got a Ta, mate.
We've got erma fish here, and this will be the shark.
We'll put this in front of a camera and it will look big whilst Paul, in ratio, will look small.
The shark's coming (SINGS JAWS THEME) Oh, look, I'm gonna die! It's a massive shark! Who's gonna look after my kids? See how it works? It's really clever, how it works.
Anyway, come on, Steve, I'll show you where the dressing rooms are.
I've got some other ideas as well.
It's gonna be good.
Bit more vigour next time.
He's not only one of the country's best actors, he's one of the nicest.
Yeah.
If they close the beaches the tourists won't come, if the tourists don't come our businesses are ruined.
(BANGS GAVEL) Order! Thank you all for coming here today.
II know you're all worried.
That's why I called for the meeting today, so Chief Brody here can let us know how he plans to deal with the situation.
Chief Brody.
As some of you may know, a young girl was recently killed by a shark on one of our beaches.
We've hired some shark spotters - Are you going to close the beaches? Yes.
(PEOPLE PROTEST) But only for 24 hours.
I didn't agree to that.
Only for 24 hours.
(PROTESTING CONTINUES) (SCREECHING) (SLURS) You all know me, what I do for a livin'.
I'll catch a shark for him.
It ain't gonna be easy, aye, chasin' tommycod around the pond I'll take him, but it'll cost ya.
10,000.
Well - (QUINT GIBBERS) Shark like that will swallow you whole.
We can't tell what he's saying.
I'm sayin', a little tenderisin', down you'll go.
Well, I What I think Mr Quint is trying to say is that he'll catch the shark with his boat for $10,000.
And that is the end of the scene.
Cut! A committed performance there by Stephen Tompkinson.
I couldn't understand what he was saying in that scene.
Anyway, despite many of the problems they faced when making the original Jaws, they did get to shoot the beach scenes in the height of summer.
Martha's Vineyard, Massachusetts.
Gorgeous.
We planned to do a similar thing by filming in sunny South Africa, but we couldn't do that, could we, Patrick? No.
And why's that? I'll tell you why that is, because Patrick is scared of flying! Ow! It hurts my skin! Hey, I tried everything to get on that plane.
OK, now, Paddy, tell me how you feel when I show you this picture of a plane.
(BLEEP) Off! Anyway, none of that worked, so we had to film the following beach scene in Southend, in January! They'll never notice.
(WIND HOWLS) What's up, Brody? You seem tense.
They should have closed the beach for longer than 24 hours.
Look at it out there.
It's the hottest day of the year and the beach is packed.
Look at 'em in the water, they're just like sitting ducks out there.
Tony! Get in the water! It's freezing! You're a bloody stuntman! Get in! Proper under! (JAWS THEME) Pippet, Pippet! Where are you, you stupid dog? (JAWS THEME CONTINUES) Get outta the water! Get outta the water! Get out! (PEOPLE SCREAM) Get out! (WIND HOWLS) It's erm37C in South Africa.
That's all I'm saying.
That looks superb.
That's gonna be brilliant.
Hey, listen, you don't think my accent was too strong in that first scene, do you? No, no, it's er Well, maybe a little bit but (SCREAMS) (BLEEP) What the (BLEEP)? That works.
Make-up test for that bit where t'head comes out.
It works, don't it? Yeah.
The trouble is, we're not even doing that scene.
D'you mind if I have a word? About the make-up? It's really good, he's done loads of stuff.
Won't be a min This guy did it, who did erm Star Wars and Batman and stuff.
So ermhe knows what he's doing.
I have been an actor for a good number of years now.
Yeah, I've seen you on the donkey programme.
Thank you.
/fon I just wondered if I could give you a bit of advice? I've learnt a few do's and don'ts.
Ermyou do, for example, always try and make your fellow actors feel comfortable.
That's what I tell Paddy all the time.
And you don't try and make them look stupid.
I've told him that as well but I apologise And you don't ever try and undermine your fellow actors by, oh, I don't know, trying to re-explain what they've just said to everyone after they've given a very committed performance because you don't feel that they'll be understood.
Yeah, that's patronising, innit.
It is, it is.
You see, I don't blame you for not knowing this and, well, there is a lot to learn for someone who's basically just a tacky little game show host on ITV2.
With a BAFTA.
(CHUCKLES) Oh, we've all got awards, Drop The Dead Donkey won two Emmys.
Hey, Paddy, I've got tickets for the Middlesborough game on Saturday There's definitely tension there, Paddy.
I think he might be a knobhead.
No, you're being paranoid.
He's not a knobhead, is he? Anyway, with the shark claiming another victim, Hooper and Brody have no choice but to take up Quint's offer.
So they head out on his boat to hunt down the shark.
# Farewell and adieu to you fair Spanish maidens # Farewell and adieu, you ladies of Spain # Don't you worry about it, Chief, we'll catch that shark.
You just need to relax.
Nothin' gonna happen till the mornin'.
Now, you two ladies wanna see somethin' that'll stand your hair on end? Bull shark.
Bermuda in 1949.
I got it beat.
I got it beat.
Now, if you think Keith's drunken acting was impressive, there's a reason for that.
Because I'm a great actor? No, he was shit-faced.
Well, there's a reason for that, Patrick, because in the original film, Spielberg gave them permission to have a couple of drinks so the drunken scene was more authentic, it's called "method acting".
Oh, so you just had a couple of drinks.
Well, when is a couple not more than a couple? (STUTTERS) Yeah.
Seven.
Gok Wan, TV Choice Awards, 2006.
And if you think that's bad .
.
Loose Women, green room, Janet Street-Porter.
He doesn't need to see that.
Sit down, just ask him about the arm.
What's that one? That was a tattoo that I had removed.
It said "the USS Indianapolis".
You were on the Indianapolis? What's the Indianapolis? That was the ship that delivered the bomb, Chief, Hiroshima bomb.
On our way home, a Japanese sub took a dislike to us, sank three torpedoes into our side.
1,200 men went in the water.
They didn't see the first shark for about half an hour.
Tiger shark, 15-footer.
Four days we were in the water hopin' an' prayin' to be saved, but what we didn't know, Chief, is that no-one was comin' to save us.
Our mission had been so secret no-one even knew we were there.
The thing about a shark, Chief they got lifeless eyes, black eyes like a doll's eyes.
Anyway, 1,200 servicemen went in the water, 300 came out.
Sharks took the rest, June 29th, 1945.
(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS) What the hell are you doing?! Just getting some online content for Instagram.
My agent said I don't have enough presence.
Can we get a selfie? No, we can't have a (BLEEP) selfie, you (BLEEP)! I'm trying to (BLEEP) work here, you (BLEEP) idiot! Do you have any sensitivity at all underneath all that (BLEEP) hair? Like an orangutan in make-up who had a (BLEEP) child.
(SPITS) (BLEEP) Heck.
Sorry, Paddy.
I'm not bad at this method acting, am I, Paddy? Yeah, well done, De Niro (!) I'm gonna be sick.
Hey, I don't remember any of that, me.
No, you wouldn't.
I don't.
Now, of course, the genius of Jaws is how they turned the problems into advantages.
Spielberg knew his shark looked rubbish, so he decided to keep it off screen, which worked out brilliantly because the audiences found that more terrifying.
If he'd put me in charge of the shark, he would have stuck it in right from the very first scene.
(GASPS) The shark! Yeah.
Look, Paddy, no offence or anything, but are you sure Keith's the right man to be in charge of the shark? If we don't get that bit right, the whole thing's gonna look really stupid.
I know what you're saying, but he's not as thick as he looks.
Hey, I've sorted the shark business out.
What do you think to that? Actually, that's Yeah, I mean, size-wise Can we drop it in t'water, please? The thing is, in the original film, what they did, they had an animatronic shark.
It looked fantastic but they didn't test it in the salt water.
The minute they dropped it in, bang, blew up.
Idiots.
Seems to be er sat up a little bit the water there.
When you got it made, you did tell them it needed to go under the water? Well, I asked for a shark, sharks go under t'water, don't they? This one doesn't.
But look at the teeth.
What you've got there is an inflatable.
It looks good though, don't it, yeah? Well, as far as inflatable sharks go, this is very good.
I've got a back-up, so don't worry.
(JAWS THEME) Hooper should've surfaced by now.
(CRASHING) (SCREAMS) (GRUNTS) (GROANS) (SCREAMS) (WHIMPERS) (CRUNCHING) (SCREAMS) Cut! Wha-hey! Hey, that's gonna look all right, you know.
Really? Oh, I'm telling you, once they paint Keith out with that CGI imaging, oh, they'll buy that.
It's gonna look brilliant.
Yeah, that'll look good, that, when they paint it out with CGI.
We're not painting it out with CGI, are we? No.
I've spent all t'money on that inflatable shark, I told you.
PADDY: 'So Quint was dead.
' KEITH: 'But Stephen Tompkinson was finally happy.
' I don't know what Spielberg was complaining about.
Realistic mechanical shark, easy peasy, lemon squeezy.
So now it was just up to me as Chief Brody to bring the film to an end.
And me as Richard Dreyfuss.
No, you're not in this scene.
Your character's still hiding under the water.
What? (DRAMATIC MUSIC) Whoa, whoa, what you doing here?! Well, I'm not in t'climax, am I, otherwise.
Smile, you son-of-a-bitch.
Whoo-hoo! Yeah-ha! Whoo! Yes! I killed Jaws! I am the hero! I saved the day! Let's get back in scene.
D'you think we'll get back in on those? Credit where it's due, we've just recreated Jaws in half hour for TV.
I'm gonna say it, Paddy, I think it were better than t'original.
Hey, d'you think they'll know we didn't film this bit in t'sea? Not a chance.
That's that, then.
That's a wrap.
Well done, boys.
We didn't say the famous line.
"We're gonna need a bigger boat.
" BOTH: We're gonna need a bigger bo - # Show me the way to go home # Ba-ba dum-dum # Tired and I wanna go to bed # # Never gonna give you up # Never gonna let you down # # Te, te, te, te, te # Te-te-te-te-te, te, te, te # # Let it go, let it go # And Oh, Frozen! # I wanna fall from the stars # # I'm walking in the air # I'm walking under moonlit sky # # I'm horny, I'm horny, horny, horny # I'm horny, I'm horny, horny, horny tonight # I don't know t'rest of it.