The Kominsky Method (2018) s01e04 Episode Script

1 [LANE.]
What makes you think that Big Daddy has a lech for you, Maggie? The way he always drops his eyes down my body when I'm talkin' to him.
Drops his eyes to my boobs and then licks his old chops.
[LAUGHS.]
[LANE.]
That kind of talk is disgustin'.
Oh Anybody ever tell you you're an ass-achin' puritan, Brick? I think it's mighty fine that that old fella on the doorstep of death still takes in my shape with what I think is deserved appreciation.
- And scene.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Oh, wow! Ah.
"Wow," good? Or "Wow, what a shit show?" No, "wow" good.
I'm I'm really impressed with your work.
- Thank you.
- Did I play enough hetero? I spent all weekend working on my hetero.
No, I could tell, but you've gotta keep in mind that there's a sexual ambiguity to Brick's character.
I didn't even think about that.
Can we do it again, but, you know, ambiguously? Lane, you nailed it.
I could feel the latency coming off of you in waves.
Aw.
[GIGGLES.]
Did you just say nice things because you kissed me and then peed in my hedge? - Oh, God, did you see that? - No, my son did.
Your stock actually went up with him.
I am so sorry.
Please, please tell me you're seeing somebody about you know.
Well, I am.
I had to get a biopsy, and I'm waiting for the results.
Well, that's gotta be scary for you.
It would be if I wasn't in complete denial.
[CHUCKLING.]
Smart.
- Well, I'm glad you're taking care of it.
- Yeah.
You wanna go grab some lunch? Uh, I can't.
I wish you'd asked me earlier.
I I actually have other plans.
- Okay.
- I'm sorry.
No, don't don't be.
Maybe some other time? I would like that.
Yeah.
Bye.
Bye.
Don't give up, Big Daddy.
[GIGGLES.]
[GROANS.]
Oh, my God! Oh, Jesus, Eileen.
What am I supposed to do with all this? [PHOEBE.]
Dad? - What? - Where are you? Your mother's closet.
Wow! Wow! I hope Neiman Marcus sent flowers to the funeral.
Her personal shopper came to the ceremony.
Couldn't stop crying.
Hey, um you mind if I borrow the car? I thought your license was suspended.
In New York, not here.
Take an Uber.
Then I need your credit card.
Take a cab.
Thank you.
What are you gonna do with all this stuff? I don't know.
It's worth a lot of money.
I'm not selling your mother's clothes.
Well, do you wanna give it to charity? I can help you with that.
I can't do that.
Why not? I don't wanna drive down the street and see some homeless woman pushing a shopping cart and wearing a dress your mother wore to the Golden Globes.
Sure.
Okay.
That would be a very awkward "Who Wore it Better?" Um Do you mind if I take this old purse? That's a Birkin bag.
I know what it's worth.
- Get out.
- I'll bring it back.
Stop staying here! Oh, Eileen, you had so much shit.
[TOILET FLUSHING, WATER RUNNING.]
- Jesus! - Did you get the biopsy results yet? No, and please don't hover.
It's intrusive.
You didn't know I was out here.
In hindsight.
It's it's intrusive in hindsight.
Are you supposed to call the urologist, or is he supposed to call you? Mindy, please.
Not now.
- Jesus! - Why is he going to a urologist? None of your business.
You can tell me.
I'm like the most discreet person I know.
There's nothing to tell, Lane.
He's fine.
That's what my mother told me about my father.
He had a massive heart attack driving me to jazz dance.
Six years old, I had to grab the wheel and save myself.
It's in my one-man show.
I don't know if you remember.
I do.
It was wonderful.
Awww! Okay.
Yeah, this is Sandy Kominsky.
I wanna talk to Dr.
Wexler.
It's concerning my prostate.
That's all you need to know.
Sure, I'll hold.
[SIGHS.]
If I could hold, it wouldn't be a problem.
- [WHISTLES.]
Come here.
I need your opinion.
- Hang on.
It's important.
Just give me a minute.
Who are you talking to? Trying to get through to my urologist.
- You mean our urologist.
- All right, sure.
Fine.
- You had no urologist.
I gave you mine.
- Aah! Yes, hi.
Okay.
Well, as soon as you hear from him, could you have him call me? Thank you.
No results yet.
Ah.
SchrÃdinger's prostate.
- What? - At the moment, you both do and do not have cancer.
What a joy you are.
How thick do you like the turkey cut? Are you serious? That's what you needed me for? I offered to make you a sandwich.
I'd like to make one that's pleasing to your palate.
I like it thin.
Thank you.
A quarter of a pound of turkey.
Wafer-thin, like a contact lens.
I remember my first biopsy.
It's very unpleasant.
Scissors up your asshole.
It's never good.
Yeah.
At least afterwards, when there's blood in your stool, you know where it's coming from.
Always a joy.
Anything else? Yes.
In your professional opinion, what is your finest ham? I don't know.
They're all good.
All right.
Let's put it in story form.
It's your last meal before you're executed by the state.
What ham do you add to your turkey sandwich before they inject you with a cocktail of death? Honey-glazed.
Mr Deli Man, a half a pound of honey-glazed, please.
I would've bet a million bucks he would've said Virginia Ham.
Did you get something for Phoebe? Maybe you didn't notice.
She's on a liquid diet.
- Come on, we're here.
Make an effort.
- Fine.
Milk Duds, beef jerky, Bubble Yum.
That's a three-course dinner for an alcoholic.
- Here.
- Put the chip in the reader.
I I I'd rather give it to you.
- That's clever.
- We've outlived swiping.
[MACHINE BEEPING.]
[BEEPING CONTINUES.]
You can take it out now.
Oh, thank you.
I've been thinking a lot about entropy.
What? The universe's inclination to decline into chaos.
It's the second law of thermodynamics.
But if you ask me, it should be number one.
Things are definitely falling apart.
You know, I wake up every morning, and my first thought is, what part of me is not working today? - Can I tell you a secret? - Sure.
Sometimes when I laugh real hard, I fart a little.
Oh, please.
You're still young.
Wait till you're my age.
Every time I sneeze, I hear rattling around in my hips.
It feels like a foreign object broken loose.
Yeah, we are passengers on boats slowly sinking.
Your boat is slow? I'm like when the Titanic was pointing up.
Hm.
I'm just worried if they take out my prostate, I'm gonna lose my sex drive.
- You still have a sex drive? - Yeah.
Uh I mean, I think I do.
When I was going through the whole prostate deal, I convinced myself I could turn things around by Kegeling.
[CHUCKLES.]
Seriously? It works for women tightening up their hoo-ha.
- But did it help? - No.
But it gave my anus confidence, and that's half the battle.
Are you doing it now? Yeah.
I'll join you.
I wish it made a noise.
Mmm.
That would be nice.
It'd give you a little feedback loop.
[HIGH-PITCHED WHINING.]
- What is that? That's your Kegel sound? - Mmm.
Yeah.
What's yours sound like? Mine? [SIGHS.]
The, um the thing you hear in between scenes of Law & Order.
Chung-chung! Chung-chung! [LAUGHS.]
No.
I like mine.
Fine.
To each his own Kegel.
Words to live by.
Turkey thin enough? Diaphanous.
There's plenty more on Staten.
Staten? Sorry.
The island.
Eileen always called it Staten 'cause when we first saw the place, the realtor told us it was an island kitchen.
She'd never heard that phrase before.
So she said, "Which island? Staten?" Anyway, it stuck, and for years afterwards, we'd always say, "Put the cheese platter on Staten," or, "I left some mail for you on Staten.
" That's nice.
I've been married three times and, um I can't think of, uh, one pleasant anecdote.
Wait.
No.
No.
Surprise, surprise, I gotta take another leak.
[SIGHS.]
Is that somebody in the pool? Oh, my God.
It's Phoebe.
Phoebe? Oh, no! Phoebe, no! Phoebe! - What the hell? - Jesus Christ! - You scared me! - You scared me! I thought you were dead.
What were you doing? I was floating.
Who floats face down? Oh, my God.
I can't do anything right around here! Come on.
Get out.
What are you doing? Don't worry about it.
You may wanna get out.
- Sandy? - Yeah, come on in.
- Hiya.
- Hiya.
What's up? Two things.
First of all, I wanna thank you again for helping me through my Hot Tin scene.
Well, you did nice work, Lane.
You're really making progress.
Awww! Anything else? Um, well I I don't mean to pry, but I just want to make sure you're okay pelvically.
[SIGHS.]
Oh, Jesus.
- I'm fine, Lane.
- Good.
But just in case, there are other therapies that Western medicine doesn't want you to know about.
Thank you.
I'm very well aware of what's out there.
In the meantime, I'll be sending you a healing white light.
I'll look out for that.
Around nine, ten o'clock tonight, you may feel something.
That's very kind.
You gonna be home? [SIGHS.]
Probably, yeah.
You shouldn't be driving.
It's pretty powerful.
Thank you for the heads-up.
Okay.
Well, I'm gonna go.
Namaste.
- Jesus.
- [CELL PHONE VIBRATING.]
- Hey, Sandy.
- Hello, Lisa.
It's Sandy.
Uh, yeah.
So, how you doin'? Good, and how are you doing? I'm great.
I've just been thinking about you.
That's nice.
So, um You doin' anything? You gettin' ready to go out? It's nine o'clock on a Saturday.
The regular crowd shuffles in [SIGHS.]
It's "Piano Man".
Yeah, I'm familiar with the song.
You know, I'm not a stickler for rules when it comes to dating, but basic common sense dictates you don't call a lady for a date at this time unless you're planning on paying for the hour.
Is Pissboy asking you for a booty call? Get out of here! I'm really sorry.
I did not mean to offend you.
I am not offended.
- So you wanna get together? - No.
Right.
Um - Okay.
I guess I'll I'll see you in class.
- You will.
Good.
Uh You are doing great work, by the way.
Good night, Sandy.
She was offended.
Yeah.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING.]
[PHONE RINGING.]
- Hello? - [DRAMATICALLY.]
Norman? [DRAMATICALLY.]
Sandy? What are you up to this fine evening? I'm watching Cocoon.
The spaceship is taking the old people into space.
That's the happy ending for old people.
If only it were that easy, huh? Yeah.
I remember seeing this in the theater 30 years ago, but it's a whole different thing when you're in the demographic.
Listen, I'm going out for a drink.
You wanna join me? - What are you, crazy? It's ten o'clock.
- So? So it's past my bedtime.
I already fell asleep twice.
Suit yourself.
I'm goin' stag.
Stag! Listen to you! Who are you, Peter Lawford? Oh, fine.
You stay home, you go for a swim with your daughter.
My daughter does not swim.
She floats.
- [LAUGHS.]
- Bye.
[SIGHS.]
[LOUD DANCE MUSIC PLAYING.]
Excuse me.
Could I have a, um I guess not.
How you doin'? Be patient.
You just need to find one with daddy issues.
[CHUCKLES.]
Is that right? The good news is, we're in Hollywood, so all the chicks are fucked up, one way or another.
[CHUCKLES.]
Thank you for the tip.
You picked the right place, though.
Some quality cooze comes through here.
I'm sorry.
Did you say "cooze"? I didn't mean to offend you, professor.
I meant "snatch.
" - Excuse me.
- You gonna do some blow? No, I'm gonna do a leak.
Watch out for this guy.
'Cause I'm dangerous.
[SIGHS.]
[URINATING QUICKLY.]
Enjoy it while it lasts.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
[URINATING INTERMITTENTLY.]
[URINATING QUICKLY.]
All right, I got it.
You've got a functioning prostate.
Good for you.
[URINATION CONTINUES.]
Jesus Christ! Good luck with your AIDS.
Ah, damn it! Where's your mother's purse? Wow! Calm down.
It's right here.
I told you to leave it alone! I was just using it for the night.
Bullshit! You were gonna hock it for drugs.
No, I wasn't! Jesus! You always think the worst of me.
Because you give me reason! Fine! I'll use this fucking purse! I don't want you in this house anymore.
Well, then get out of my way! I don't wanna look at you.
I don't wanna talk to you.
If you come back, I will call the police.
Well, don't worry, because I am not coming back! After everything we've done for you, you steal from us? Shame on you! [SANDY.]
Babysitter porn.
Stepmom porn.
What happened to just fuckin' the pizza guy? So many choices, so little testosterone.
[CELL PHONE VIBRATING.]
[GRUNTS.]
What? - [SIGHS.]
Did I wake you? - No.
Am I interrupting anything? Uh, no, I I was just thinking about ordering a pizza.
I kicked Phoebe out of the house.
Really? She stole things from Eileen's closet.
Oh, man.
I'm so sorry.
I just wanted to let you know, in case she called you looking to borrow money.
Not to worry.
I stopped giving money to drug addicts when I divorced my third wife.
[CHUCKLES.]
I still liked her the best.
[SNORTS.]
Okay.
- Good night.
- Hang in there, buddy.
Thanks.
[SIGHS.]
Oh, fuck, it's too much work.
[GRUNTS.]
God damn it! [SIGHS.]
Well, that's the end of it.
She's gone.
[EILEEN.]
Oh, dear.
What? You always said we were enabling her.
Well, no more.
If she wants to be a drug-head, then that's her choice.
She is still our daughter.
She stole your Birkin bag and your high heels with the red bottoms.
Louboutins.
Whatever.
I just know they cost two grand and you wore them once.
Twice.
Great, you amortized.
Norman, it's just stuff.
Phoebe needs your help.
[LAUGHING.]
You're driving me crazy! First, she should hit rock-bottom, now she needs help.
You've become very fickle in death, Eileen.
Very fickle.