The Larry Sanders Show (1992) s01e04 Episode Script

Now, that sign says "applesauce.
" No, no, no, I'm kidding.
It says "applause.
" Ray, do me a favor.
Could you flick that once? All right.
Now, remember.
' You're all a big part of the show so the better you are, the better Larry is.
Okay, you see this gentleman? He's giving me this sign.
It says, "We're on in ten seconds," so get ready to have a good time.
All right, here we go.
This is exciting, isn't it? In five, four, three, two Live, on tape from Hollywood, The Larry Sanders Show.
Tonight, join Larry and his guests, John Stamos, Helen Reddy and the National Spelling Bee champion and me, "Hey, Now" Hank Kingsley.
And now, because he's already been paid, so we might as well use him Larry Sanders! Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Thank you, thank you.
Well, thank you.
Thanks for coming this evening and you're so much better than last night's crowd.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
Of course, as we get closer to the election Dan Quayle continues to make a fool of himself while George Bush continues to claim that family values will be the big issue in the election.
Dan Quayle has gotten confused and just thinks there should be more Tru-Value Hardware stores.
Dan Quayle, who can't spell "potato" but I found out you have to blame the White House staff for that because they're still giving him a picture menu and letting him point at the food he wants.
You can never never, never have enough Dan Quayle jokes.
Rapper Ice-T, of course pulled his controversial song, "Cop Killer," off his album.
He has a new song coming out, however, called "Die, Crossing Guard, Die.
" And I'm sure that's gonna stir up the same kind of controversy.
All the rappers are named Ice Cube, Vanilla Ice.
They all have ice in them.
Ice-T.
If I was a rapper, I already have my name picked out.
It would be "Hey, Put Ice on That.
" I know I would hurt myself, and my big controversial song would be "Hey, Mom, Get Off My Back.
" Hank, if you were a rapper, what would your rap name be? Hank the Rapper.
And on that note, stay tuned.
We have a wonderful show.
We haveJohn Stamos, Helen Reddy and this year's National Spelling Bee champ, and it isn't Dan Quayle.
Don't flip around.
Okay, we're back.
We just have a few seconds to wrap up the show.
Great show it was.
I wanna thank Helen Reddy, and, of course, John Stamos and spelling bee champ, Hy Fong.
The children are the future of this nation.
I second that.
I will not be here next week.
I have a much needed vacation coming up.
But guest-hosting will be my good friend, Dana Carvey.
And, Hank, this'll be his first time hosting the show.
- Right.
- So, I assume that you will - It will be a pleasure to help him.
- Excellent.
What the fuck does Dana Carvey know about doing this show? This show? He does funny voices.
That's what he does.
"I'm going to give you a pump up.
" - You're funny, Hank.
- What is that? What does he know about connecting with people? I hear you.
Just give the kid a chance.
Dana Carvey does skits.
That's what he does.
Come on.
I outgrew that horseshit in high school.
Arty, every time Larry goes on vacation you say you're gonna consider me to guest-host.
I'll consider you.
Terrific show.
You can't wait till that vacation, huh? - Great show, boss.
- See ya later.
Arty, Sheldon is here, the network is here.
Come on, let me show you what I can do out there.
- Give me my shot.
- When? - Right now.
- Let's go.
- Great show.
That was good.
- Did you watch any of it? Not really.
Hee Haw was on.
So listen, here's the plan.
Five nights next week, you host.
- Five nights next week, I host.
- And then we go to the lake.
- Then we go to the lake.
- What are you doing? I'm just warming up.
I'm doing your show, I gotta do you.
Good thinking.
By the way, Perot dropped out.
Sorry.
That really hurts.
That really hurts, Larry.
- When we can go to the lake - Yes? - Do not bring the trades.
- What? I'm tired of you looking at the numbers for your movie.
You can't believe what it's doing in Malaysia.
It's through the roof.
- It's so sad.
- It's just so much money.
Huge.
So sad.
Rub it in.
- Bring your own sleeping bag.
- Why? - The one sleeping bag thing didn't work.
- First time I heard a complaint.
Last summer, it was, " Oh, the sounds of the woods.
" You want a Coke? Yes, please.
Thank you.
That's very interesting, Marty, but can you do this with your card? How much longer are we to endure this? I know Hank's a little unorthodox, Shel but you have to admire his determination.
Our My next friend is a good guest and I'm gonna take that over, okay? - Just take your time.
- Okay.
My next guest is a good friend and a great talent.
Come on, put your hands together and give a big welcome for Phil the writer.
Everybody moves down one.
So, Phil what have you been up to lately? - Well, Hank, l - Uh-huh.
- I saw some friends - Okay, great.
- Over the weekend - Right.
- Down in Riverside.
- Uh-huh.
- And - Yea! Hey, beautiful country out there.
Thank you, gentlemen.
I think that we have a good idea of Shel, please, go easy on him.
He has a fragile ego.
Don't mention the name Rupert Pupkin.
So, what do you think? The first one it was off.
I know it.
I was nervous, you know? But I felt good about that second one.
I felt centered, and I felt like I could go another way with the whole thing, if you want to.
No, I feel good, I feel good.
So, who's it gonna be? Is it gonna be me or Dana Carvey? - Schwing.
- Arty, that's good, really good.
Dana, so delighted to have you hosting tonight.
Let me give you the tour.
All righty.
- This is darling Darlene.
- Hello.
- You remember Paula? - Oh, yes.
In charge of bookings and pre-interviews.
Yeah, I remember Paula well.
She's the one who reminds me I can't say "cocksucker" when I'm a guest.
- Now you're the host, so feel free.
- Cocksucker.
Don't listen to her.
She's a kook.
- She's cuckoo crazy.
- You're funny.
This is Larry's office.
It's yours now.
Make yourself comfortable.
I couldn't use Larry's office.
Oh, sir, you're a big shot now.
Sit down.
Well, you are right, yeah.
A big shot.
I like that.
Okay.
And Larry left that for you.
That was nice of Larry.
"And the winner is the Estelle Getty for The Golden Girls.
Have a good show.
Love, Larry.
" - Nice.
- Barbara Kirsh from the network.
- Hi, Barbara, nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.
Listen, we have one small request.
- If you must mention your other show - Saturday Night Live? - Don't mention the specific network.
- NBC.
NBC can eat shit and die.
A little promotion on our show won't help that sinking ship.
Charming as always, Arthur.
Let me see you out, milady.
Don't touch anything in the fridge and - Open or closed? - Open.
Happy you're aboard, sir.
Man, he's got a lot of awards.
"Special citation from the U.
S.
Marine Corps for entertaining the troops during the Gulf War.
" Wow.
You guys went all the way over there? Oh, yeah.
We sent a videotape, but nonetheless Hey, good work, Hank.
- Thank you.
- Videotape, good stuff.
Thank you, Dana.
Geez, it's good to see you.
Really? Look, I know you haven't done this kind of thing before.
No, not exactly.
So you might be a little nervous.
Yeah, so I thought I'd drop by and just maybe give you some tips.
All right, yeah.
Because I have been doing this for four years and before that I was a cruise director so, all told, that gives me 12 years experience getting people to interact.
Yeah.
That's good.
Twelve years.
The key is listening.
Yeah, you mean when the guests just - Listening.
- Yeah.
Does that help you at all? Or should I just go fuck myself? No, that's a great help.
- That's good.
- You're sure? Yeah.
Okay, that's great.
You're gonna do great.
- Good luck to you.
- Yeah.
You know Yeah? - Listening - That's right.
- Is the key.
- That's very good.
One last thing, okay? And, golly, this is crucial.
Now, if at any time you're talking to a guest and you don't know what to say next you just give me a glance, I'm gonna jump right in because that's how I carry half the show.
Now, it's gotta be a little glance, so the camera won't notice it.
Here's how it goes, all right? You get in trouble, all right? Watch this.
Ready? You see that? Good.
Now once more.
You get in trouble you see that, okay? Now, you try it.
No.
I've got to see if I can pick it up.
Me try it? I'm talking and in a hole.
I don't know what to say.
And then No.
What are you doing? What? I can't see that.
It's to the left.
That's to the band.
I know.
- I'm in trouble.
- I got you.
Hey, now.
- Yeah.
- I'm really looking forward to this.
- This Yeah.
- You really fooled me.
- I went a little crazy.
All righty.
- Okay, all right.
I'm really You're gonna do great.
That You need anything? - No, I got it all in the fridge.
- All right.
- See you on the ice.
- Thank you.
- All right.
- Thanks.
That snotty little shit.
He's not even gonna do the glance.
I'll bet he's like that twit, Leno.
Doesn't think he needs a sidekick.
Gargle.
Tell you one thing he doesn't give me the glance I'm gonna leave him standing there with his tallywhacker right in his hand.
How am I? Live from Hollywood, The Larry Sanders Show.
Tonight, please welcomeJanine Turner, Herve Villechaize, Paul Prudhomme and me, "Hey, Now" Hank Kingsley.
And now, because Larry's on vacation, Dana Carvey.
Thank you.
I'm not worthy.
I feel funny like when I used to climb the rope in gym class.
Schwing.
I had to get that out of the way.
This is incredible.
This is my first time guest-hosting for Larry.
And if you're watching, no flipping.
Is this funny? Hank, is this funny here? Is that good? No flipping.
Ja, this is a very attractive audience, but they're so flabby.
Look at this little man here.
You better not undo your belt.
You might cause a "flab-alanche.
" Ja, thank you.
This is fun.
Thank you, Larry.
This is a good I did guest-host I don't know if you ever saw it, but Sorry, I had a little Satan twister.
Sorry.
L Well, well, well, so many sluts and whores, oh, my.
Sluts and whores, oh, my.
Well, we're rather scantily clad, aren't we? We can't wait to get on Melrose and wag our little bulbous bottoms.
This woman is looking at me, like, "You shut up, that's not true.
" Anyway, I probably should wind this up.
We've got Herve Villechaize here.
I'm really excited to talk to him.
And So stay tuned.
We'll be right back.
Thank you.
That's really amazing.
It's like he's born to do it.
You know, come on, anyone can do a monologue.
Byron Allen does a monologue.
Let's see how he does with the interviews.
My main concern really is just that I catch more fish than him.
Now the beard is when did you acquire this beard? About four months ago, I got tired of my face so I grew a beard so I don't look like a little boy.
Do you think it would help me? Some people say I have sort of I always feel like I look like I should be in the window at Sears.
"A II boys' wear, half off.
" Do you think I should grow How many women think Herve is sexier with the beard as opposed to With the beard first? He made Herve Villechaize seem funny, but without making fun of him.
But, you know, he's It's not like he's doing anything special or I don't think that this is really Dana's thing hosting.
De plane, de plane.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you, Herve.
Pretty insane, but she thought you were Danish Carver.
- That's impossible, that's insane.
- Hey, Lar.
- Great job last night, great job.
- You think so? Well, there was a little quarter second lull between Garth and Hans and Franz.
- Yeah.
- But other than that, it was great.
Thanks for the office.
I threw up in it.
- Oh, where? - In your top desk drawer.
- Yeah, that's what that's for.
- What are you doing here? Actually, Arty called me in for some fucking network meeting.
Yeah, I'm glad you're here, 'cause I gotta talk to you.
- Good.
Okay.
- I was gonna call you.
- Catch you when I come out.
- Yeah, that's great.
- Really funny.
- Yeah, thanks.
- Really funny.
- You think so? - Don't diminish yourself.
- All right, I can't tell.
- You're funny.
- You're funny.
- You are.
- No.
Hey, you clods.
Who died? Hey, I'm just kidding.
If someone did die, I was making a joke.
Sorry.
Larry, CBS has offered Dana Carvey a talk show of his own against you.
- After one night? - I saw this coming.
If you saw this coming, Arty, why didn't you say something? If I said something every time I saw something coming we'd never get anything done.
All right, let me let's digest this a minute.
- Larry, I'm sorry.
- I'm still digesting.
Are you are you Who Who moved my desk? What is this? Mr.
Carvey said there was a draft in this corner.
- A draft? - He wanted it right there.
And he wanted it over here? Do we know if he's taking this CBS offer? I've made some calls, done some legwork, developed some leads.
- Nothing yet.
- Thanks, Mannix.
Mike Conners, good friend of mine.
He'll be on next week.
For God's sakes.
All I c Look, we have a problem here.
I can't let a potential competitor host the show, can I? - Correct.
- So what do Who's gonna tell the little old church lady? - Don't look at me.
- I thought you two were friends.
Fine, I'll tell him.
- Where's this draft, by the way? - Here.
You know Boy, I do not Yeah, there's a little something.
Anyway, are you ready for this? And then he explodes.
"I'm outta control!" Yeah, that's a real That's the rhythm.
It's a triple It's a triple kind of thing.
Hey, let me ask you guys a question, 'cause I'm just kinda curious.
Are you are you locked into this show, or what? Hi.
Can I ask you something? Is it true that Dana may not be doing the show the whole week? - That may be the case.
- When was this known? Let me get that.
I got it.
I do not know.
- I have it.
- Did Arthur and Barbara say anything about the work that we've been doing together? - The Hannibal Lecter thing sounds good.
- Yeah? We'll write it down.
See ya.
- All right, take it easy.
- Yeah, you too.
Heard the good news.
Congratulations.
- Thanks, yeah.
- That is great.
I was gonna tell you in the hallway earlier, but I didn't get a chance.
Well, so, you gonna do it? I don't know.
These offers come up all the time.
You know how it is.
- L You know - So, what are you gonna do? Well, I gotta do Wayne's World Two in a few months.
Universal's got this deal for me to produce a show.
I'm gonna do a stand-up tour.
So I'm - Got a full plate.
- Yeah.
- Things are going good.
- You have to turn it down? I don't know.
The talk show format, it's I think I could do some innovative stuff with it.
Not that you aren't doing innovative stuff with it - No, huh? Thanks.
- Yeah.
I just feel weird all of a sudden.
Do you Should I not host the show? If you want me out, I understand.
No, it's the network.
They're such these assholes All they're worried about is you're my competition.
- You know? - Yeah, well, I understand.
I just The last thing I want is for it to get in the way of the friendship.
- Become this thing, you know? - That's exactly how I feel.
- Good.
- Exactly how I feel.
God knows I'm not friends with Arsenio and I swear to God, Leno tried to hit me with one of his big cars the other day.
But I won't I don't think that'll happen to us, 'cause I think - Yeah, good, I agree.
- You know - Yeah.
- Good.
- Good.
Hey - So I'll host.
Don't host.
Host.
- I'll host.
- Fine, fine.
- Okay.
- Yeah, I'm - Yeah, that's good.
- Yeah, okay.
- Oop, you all right? - Yeah.
Schwing.
Carvey's hosting tonight.
Let's move the dwarf palm stage left.
Oh, your left.
Up.
Keep on going.
Listen, if you find out who's fucking with these plants, I want to know.
Come on, a little more.
That's it.
Hold it, mark it.
I'm sorry to bother you.
What, a problem with the plant alignment again? - Yep.
- Damn.
Everybody thinks this is an easy job.
- Listen - Yeah? Ah, boy, I wanted to ask you something about my You got it.
Walk away.
- Your audition? - Well, no.
I mean, you know, my well, my presentation.
Okay, sure.
Well, you and Sheldon said I wasn't quite right.
And I slept on that note.
And when I woke up, I realized it wasn't very specific.
Let me be more specific.
Some of the things you do are not quite right.
But what? L-I am open to any constructive criticism.
Please, help me to help you.
Where the hell should I start? Hank, you speak very slowly.
There's a slow cadence to your speech that's great in a supporting position but you - Larry, it's 11:30.
- Yeah? - What are you doing? - Nothing.
- Aren't you gonna watch the show? - No.
You know, I don't get it.
You guys are all buddy-buddy when you're coming up in the clubs together but then as soon as there's a hint of competition - your friendship goes out the window.
- You don't understand the complex dynamic of a show biz relationship.
Yeah, well, I'm gonna watch it upstairs.
Does this stuff at the Franklin Mint really go up in value? All right.
Hank, didn't you at one time own a race horse yourself? - What? Is that funny? What? - Yes, I did, sir.
And " Hank's Kerchief' was her name.
Perhaps best known for jumping the rails at Santa Anita three races in a row.
Lovely old nag.
Never did jack for me.
I loved her nonetheless.
I tell you, there was Yes, sir? After the show, remind me to turn you on to a little thing called decaf.
- Thank you, sir.
- 'Cause Hank is a little hyper.
I'm looking forward to it.
Decaf.
I remember once, I drank a pina colada.
- I'm hosting the show tonight.
- What? That's right.
I'm hosting the show tonight.
I was bored on vacation anyway.
Beverly, get me Dana Carvey.
Would you help me? Okay, but No, sir, we're not putting you on the air this week.
Make it look as if you regard him as a genuine threat.
Besides, we might be twisting our shorts in knots for nothing.
- He may have turned the offer down.
- I'm telling you, I know Carvey.
He didn't turn down this offer.
He doesn't turn down anything.
I'll bet you right now, he Well, hi.
So, what's going on? Listen, this is a little awkward.
We Want something from the fridge? - Something's wrong, right? - No, nothing is wrong.
But we just need to know if you're gonna be taking that talk show offer.
Oh, that, I don't know.
Just answer the question, you little asshole.
What? What's I don't wanna put too much pressure on you, Dana but the truth is it's a business thing.
We need to know if you're taking the other talk show.
- I don't know.
- I know you.
I know you know.
All right, I can't say.
You can't say? Oh, Arty, he can't say.
- No, he can't say.
- He can't say.
- What are you doing? - I'm not taking the deal with CBS.
- I apologize, sir.
- Thank you.
- Why? - I'm taking the deal at NBC.
I didn't even know about the NBC thing.
- I saw it coming.
- I hate this business.
I'm telling you, I saw it coming.
And I'm telling you, I hate this fucking business.
Barbara Hershey's gonna be your first guest tonight.
- Is she with lips or without lips? - I wanted to talk to you about that.
One of her lips is thin, and the other one's still fat.
It's kinda funky.
So don't even bring it up, okay? - All right.
Okay.
- Okay? - Okay, thanks.
- Have a good show.
I know this is a bad time and everything, but I just wanted to tell you I'm sorry I didn't mention the NBC deal.
- That's all right.
- I was gonna mention it on the trip.
When we were on the boat, having a few beers, catching the fish I was gonna tell you everything, so, I'm sorry.
It's okay, it's okay.
You still wanna go on the fishing trip? Do you have another deal to go? Do you have another offer to go? Yeah, I got another fishing trip offer.
Bob Saget called.
Huge fishing offer.
It's multifaceted.
- So you'll probably be taking bass.
- Yeah, I'm I'm not at liberty to say.
It's gonna be great.
What are you guys You guys are okay? - Yeah.
- Yeah, fine.
You patched things up? You're talking to us like we're Martin and Lewis, for God's sakes.
- Yeah, it's fine.
- You sure? There is someone definitely to host tonight, right? - There is someone to host.
- Yes.
All right.
Well, very good.
I have to warm up the audience, so I'll see you out there on the ice.
All righty.
Thanks, Hank.
He calls it the ice.
- He's so cute.
- He thinks he's a rapper.
- I know.
- I don't know what that is.
- You know, by the way, the NBC deal - Yeah? Just wanted to let you know, it's prime time.
It would be hours before you'd ever be on television.
- So don't feel threatened.
- I wasn't threatened.
- You seemed a little threatened.
- I was never threatened.
- All right, you were never threatened.
- I was never threatened.
I'll prove it to you.
Why don't you co-host the show with me tonight? There's not room for two guys at the desk.
Okay, guest sidekick.
Be the guest sidekick.
- What about Hank? - Thirty seconds.
Arty, tell Hank Okay.
It's all taken care of.
Larry, one last thing I just wanted to be totally honest here.
You know the overall deal at NBC? - Yeah? - Well, it could be late night.
Live on tape from Holly