The Last O.G. (2018) s01e04 Episode Script
Swipe Right
1 TRAY: In prison, I read the entire dictionary, but dallying through the dictionary turned out to be an exercise in futility, ineffectiveness, and uselessness until I read the Whooping Crane mates for life.
That was inspiring.
That means even if the male crane gets locked up, the girl crane stays alone until they are reunited.
She certainly doesn't nest up with some white-feather Johnny-come-lately Crane from Connecticut.
I mean, what kind of shit is that, Shay I mean, Crane?! That plane leaves the ground and you're not with him, you'll regret it.
Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of your life.
FELONY: Come on, Gustavo.
Put the game on.
Gustavo, don't you touch that fuckin' remote, man.
It's "Casablanca.
" It's a classic.
Why would I wanna watch this, Tray? A bunch of white folks standin' around talkin'.
On the surface.
It's really about two lovers who ain't seen each other in years.
Now they got people and obstacles all in their way.
You know something? This movie is about me.
This movie about me and Shay.
I'm Rick Blaine, and she's the woman.
Just like this movie, I'm gonna get my girl back.
Watch! Actually, Rick doesn't get her back.
She leaves with that dude Victor.
Mm.
[SCOFFS.]
Turn this shit off, Gustavo.
Thank you.
Finally.
Damn it! That brings shit up, man.
Got me all heat now, man.
My girl, man! Got a new life.
New man.
Happy as shit.
I can't even sleep because of this bullshit going down.
GUSTAVO: Actually, what you need to do, my man, is get a fresh start.
The only way to get over your old bitch is to get a new bitch.
Speak your truth, Gustavo.
Go on a date, man.
It's healthy.
Fuck you know about healthy? You're a sex offender.
[SCOFFS.]
I can introduce you to somebody if you want.
Big Country, not in the mood.
Not interested.
Bet I could change your mind.
- Ain't gonna happen.
- [LAUGHS.]
Okay, okay.
Big Country, you wastin' your time.
My ex is dope! She got the package Intelligence, sense of humor, and vagina! Somebody say "vagina"? Oh, ho! Yeah, y'all gonna make room for an expert right here, 'cause "Pussy" is my middle name.
[LAUGHS.]
Did y'all just hear that? He said his name is "Pussy.
" [LAUGHTER.]
I did not say it was I said it was my middle name! - [LAUGHTER.]
- You know what? You might think you got a lot of them jokes, but I'ma tell you I knew a guy who had spent a long time in prison.
When he got out after doing his bid, hadn't used his stuff.
You end up with testicular atrophy.
That is blue balls.
This was very severe.
The The balls had dried up and withered up, and one of them was like a raisin.
Yeah, you know what? I think the one-ball fellow was you.
[LAUGHS.]
He most certainly was not.
Well, show us your nut sack, Mullins.
I'm I'm not showing you my nut sack! - Show us both of 'em.
- ALL: [CHANTING.]
Nut sack! - Nut sack? - Nut sack! Nut sack! Mullins only got one ball in his sack ALL: Nut sack! Nut sack! Nut sack! I ain't showin' you nothing! [IMITATES GUITAR PLAYING.]
Tray! Come here! This is Krystal.
Now, I snuck her up here to meet you.
Hey, Tray.
Um I think you should get to know her like today because tomorrow, she is booked.
Krystal, you're probably a nice person, but I think I'm gonna pass.
Well, if you change your mind [ LION ROARS.]
you know where to find me.
[SNIFFS.]
The Bronx? Look, you gotta get back out there, baby.
Let me introduce to the future, all right? I'm gonna take a couple of photos.
I got some costumes.
You know what I'm sayin'? Write your little bio.
And then before you know it, you're gonna be swimming in tenderonis, man! - Fine.
- [LAUGHS.]
All right, all right, okay.
First, we gotta seduce them into swiping right.
You know what I'm saying? That's how they They let you know they're feelin' you or whatever.
So, we gotta highlight your best features.
- You know what I mean? - My features? Ye Okay, okay, all right.
For example you got nice eyes, son.
I do? Yeah, yeah.
[LAUGHS.]
All right, so how about this So, what what What did Shay like about you? She liked, uh She liked my stroke.
Okay, all right.
We gonna put that.
"Stroke" My foot game My foot-rub game.
- "Foot-rub game" - Foot-rub game.
Yeah, mm-hmm.
She liked my cooking.
Okay.
Most of all, she liked my sense of humor.
- Most of all.
- Okay.
And I'm a great provider.
A'ight.
And But my money ain't movin' like that right now, Bobby.
What that got No, these broke-ass thots don't need all that, son! Look, that's what's dope about the app.
You can lie your ass off! You can Matter of fact, let me show you that.
[LAUGHS.]
Where you get the horse from? The stables at Prospect Park.
$42 an hour.
It paid for itself in ass that night.
Genius movie, but that don't even look like you, Bobby.
I know! Oh, come on.
Yo, come on, son.
One date.
One date! I already did that with Shay! We had something special, man.
Locked and loaded.
We was together! All right, all right.
A little tough love right now, all right? Shay ain't thinkin' 'bout you, cuz.
She thinkin' about the man she wakin' up to every morning she married, she raisin' kids with.
Meanwhile, you at home starin' at the ass print from Big Country's top bunk! It ain't heathy, Tray.
- Here, put it on there.
- Ha ha! Let's Come on, let's take some pictures, baby! Let's go.
It's all love, baby.
Show the Yeah, let me see the flower.
Let me see the flower.
Uhn! Bam There it is.
Put it up in the air.
Put it up in the air like you a VIP.
Ow! You in the club.
Wap, wap! That's it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Get it wet now! Unh! All right, come on, son, give me the Denzel.
Come on, I'm talking '90s Denzel, man.
Hold the g Get the gun in.
Hold the gun in.
Yeah, n-no Nah, I'm talkin' about "Glory.
" "Glory"? You didn't say "Glory.
" Yeah, now "Fences"! You givin' me - [GROANING.]
- Yes! Yes! Oh, that's it.
That's it.
All right.
Bobby, I'm tired of this, man.
You got me crying all day, man.
Come on, don't do that right now! What you want? What you want? Get me a wing and a keel breast and a biscuit.
All right, let me get a wing, keel breast, and a biscuit.
Let me get a, uh Let me get a two-piece.
Take it Jay.
He'll get that.
- Any bites yet? - Not a clue.
What are you doing? No, come on, son! I need you to focus, baby.
- Let's go, man.
- I'm getting to it.
Yo, you not getting to it! You lollygagging! You starin' at Shay right now, m All right.
Listen, I'ma I'ma get you right.
Hold up.
Let me open up this app real quick.
Boom, boom, boom.
There it is.
Right, cute, and she a little flirty? That's what you're lookin' for right there.
You know what I'm sayin'? No? - Too short.
- Too short?! - Too short.
- Whatcha She bangin'! She is b Yo, and she look like she got all her teeth, son.
- Bobby.
- That's a win.
Nah, listen, Bobby, I need a girl who's about something, man.
Some substance, man.
Been through the shit, man.
- Next.
- Yo! All right.
All right.
All right.
I got that.
I L-Look at that.
- Let me see.
- Uh-huh.
Come on, son.
Look like she been through some shit.
- You know what I mean? - No, man.
I don't trust no one that found religion before prison.
You right.
You right.
You right.
My You right on that.
Okay, wait, wait, wait.
Give me a second.
Give me a second.
Give This This her right here.
Check out.
What about her? She is fine.
Tamara 37, divorcee, 2 kids.
Yeah.
Ooh! And look at this up top! It says, "I'm a nice person.
" - That's the nail in the coffin for a kiss.
- There it is.
Come on.
There it is.
So, whatcha gonna do, son? - [LAUGHS.]
- What do you mean what am I gonna do? Whatcha gonna do? You gonna swipe right? Swipe right.
Bam! All right, now, look, look, look now.
I don't want you to get discouraged.
It may take a couple of days.
- [CELLPHONE CHIMES.]
- You know what I'm sayin'? - Ooh! A match.
- What?! Right there.
Look.
We matched right there.
Oh, you in the game, baby! - [LAUGHS.]
- Ah! - Let's go.
- I am, man.
- Chicken and bisc - You got my keel breast? You put my keel breast in there? - Hey, keel breast in here? - Yes.
Let me g Can I get some more hot sauce? Ain't no hot sauce.
Come on, s And where the drinks at, man? Where the dr What y'all doing? - Right here.
- What y'all doing today? - Bring the drinks.
- Come on, man.
- I'm in it.
- Y'all Y'all slippin' today.
- Look how she looks, man.
- I know.
She bangin'.
Tray got a girl, Tray got a girl Tray got a girl in the world, ha! Tray got a girl, Tray got a girl Tray got a girl in the world [CELLPHONE RINGING.]
Hello? TAMARA: Hi, Tray.
Oh, you cute! [CHUCKLES.]
Hi, TaMara.
It's nice to meet you.
It's so nice to meet you, too.
Whatcha wearin'? Oh, I just got out the shower, boo.
You know, I'm gettin' ready for you.
Just grooming up.
You know, I don't be getting in the shower for everybody, but I did that for you.
[CHUCKLES.]
Well, I just thought that I would FaceTime you and get that awkward first meeting out of the way so that when we see each other later on tonight it would be like, "Oh! Okay, so nice to see you again!" To be honest, I was a little nervous about all this, you know, but that that was adorable as fuck.
[LAUGHS.]
Thank you.
You really shine on my heart, Shay.
What? Ooh, shit! Fuck.
She sounds cute.
- Mullins! - I see you got your little shirt ready.
You got your jeans all fresh, Timbos lined up, ready to go.
You got a date? Get off my bed, Mullins.
I don't want you leavin' bed bugs and shit on my sheets! You hurtin' my feelings today, Barker.
Why you had to tell them that I was the one that might've been the one that the one ball, huh? You really think you're a bigger player than me? Whatever, Mullins.
Mm.
Okay.
Well, since we don't want to talk statistics, let's talk logistics.
You better have your ass back in here by 11:59 tonight, Cinderella, 'cause that's the curfew.
11:59? Come on, you know I got a date tonight, Mullins! Well, I don't make the rules.
I just enforce 'em on wise-ass ex-convicts like yourself.
Hey, Mullins.
Mullins.
Mullins, man.
No need to get hasty.
Man, listen.
I want you to come with us.
Mm.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh, you got you a little freak! You got a little freak right there.
Okay, you know what? We just need to lay some ground rules down 'cause the last time I had a threesome I-I just end up by myself.
I was I rolled up to Connecticut.
When I came back, they had robbed me.
Mullins, try to understand me.
I'm talking about me, Tamara, you, and one of your fine ladies, okay? I know you can get on the phone and call one of them fine-ass lodi dodis - you talkin' about.
- Of course! Oh, of course.
Yeah.
That's easy.
I-I-I'll I'm I'm runnin' through my mind right now.
I got four, five of them I can call.
- Okay, so we got a double date? - Yeah.
- Double date.
- Don't be late.
- It's us.
- Nah, I wouldn't ditch you.
You gonna show me something.
[CHUCKLES.]
So, how'd you find this place? Well, actually, I came here to get a job.
Heard the food was good.
I said, "Well, let me make a contribution to the reputation.
" So, it didn't work out, huh? [CHUCKLES.]
Nah.
Creative differences with me and the white dude up front there.
That's okay, though.
'Cause I got a job at Grundle's Coffee Shop instead.
Good evening.
I thought you said we were gonna meet here at 8:00? I asked for a table for four, but they gave me two, man.
Ain't that crazy? [LAUGHS.]
Why don't you go in them deep pockets, player, and grease somebody's palm and get yourself a seat with your lady? So, I'm We're not gonna share, uh, calamari or anything? No! No way.
Hi.
Oh, pardon me for being so rude.
Um, Miniard Mullins.
- Mm-hmm.
- How are you? - I'm very well.
- You are delectable.
Mm.
- [SMOOCHES.]
- [CHUCKLES.]
Thank you.
It's so nice to meet you.
Yes, delicious.
Oh! Forgive my rude-ality.
This is my companion, uh, for the evening.
Uh, this is Kr - Krystal.
- Krystal.
Very nice to meet you.
- Okay.
- Likewise.
Hi.
Okay, I'm gonna go grab my own table.
Go and get you a table.
- Oh.
- [LAUGHS.]
[CHUCKLES.]
Play on, player! So, that's your friend? [LAUGHS.]
He's more like a nigga I know from the streets, you know? [LAUGHS.]
I was really excited about tonight.
I was, too.
Now, don't think just 'cause you cute you gonna get some.
Hey, wait a minute.
The thought never crossed my mind.
Mm-hmm.
Tell me anything.
I got a lion in my pocket, and he's ready to roar.
- [LAUGHS.]
- Rawr! [LAUGHS.]
You are so bad! Let me ask you something about you.
You like working at the post office? Tell the truth You re-read mail? Uh, no, that's against the law.
[CHUCKLES.]
But I like it.
It's fine.
Great benefits.
Plus, I get out early, so I can make my kids dinner.
You're a cook, right? Not just any cook I'm magnificent, you know? I can't wait to show you.
Don't write a check your ass can't cash.
Oh, I can cash it.
I'm gonna give you back some change.
- [BOTH LAUGH.]
- Are you ready to order? Uh, I-I'm still undecided.
Shay, you go first.
Tray? Yeah? Who is Shay? That's my ex.
Oh.
Interesting.
- MAN: Sir? - Um you know what? I'm I believe I'm gonna go with the number 71.
The 71, sir? Yes, the 71.
This is what I'll have.
You You can Oh, um, sir, that's the price of the dish.
Oh! Mm! Oh, okay.
I We [CHUCKLES.]
Confused me because normally, the price is on the other side, and that threw me off.
So, in that case, I will have the, um I'm gonna have the number 9, and we'll We'll split that.
Certainly.
What did you think? Mm.
Not bad.
But I could've made the food better.
Would you care to order dessert? [DISTORTED MUSIC PLAYS.]
Yeah.
Let me get that one.
Of course.
Yo.
I ain't gonna flip my wig in here, but when I tried to get a job here, I gave them a sample of my dessert.
Now these motherfuckers are sellin' the recipe.
- What? - Yeah.
Are you gonna sue? Pssh, nah.
I'm gonna celebrate.
Lets me know my shit is good enough to be sold in fancy restaurants! That just lets me know you can't afford a good lawyer.
[LAUGHS.]
That, too.
You wanna go for a walk? Yeah.
Let's blow this joint, boo.
Sir? Money's on the table.
But your dessert? You can give it to fat cat over there.
Let's go, baby.
Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa.
No, no, no.
We I didn't I didn't bring enough money for that, so thank you so much.
Compliments of the couple that just left.
Just left? Hey.
Oh, my God, this is good as hell.
So, who was better in "The Godfather" Was it Vito, Sonny, or Clemenza? Michael! Ding ding ding ding ding! Correct! So, that was a trick question? I had to find out if you was a trick.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- Nasty self.
Oh, man, me and Shay never did stuff like this Just go for walks.
You and your guy ever do stuff like this? Nah, he was way into that thug life.
Oh, just like I used to be.
Man, I wish we would've spent more time back in the days just enjoying each other.
There's no time like the present.
[ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS.]
[BOTH CHUCKLE.]
You ready to join the mile-below club? I'm a founding member, Shay Shay.
[CHUCKLES.]
What's wrong? You know, you called me "Shay" three times since this date started.
I'm sorry.
Just take a little time to move on.
Look, at my age, I'm really not trying to have my heart broken again.
But But Tray, sweetie, this isn't gonna work out.
Why not? I like you.
I like you, too, but you gotta get over your ex first.
You gotta let her out before you let someone like me in.
- Hold on.
- Listen.
If that train leaves the station and you're not on it, you'll regret it.
Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow But another one is coming in eight minutes.
Just get on the train, Tray.
Damn, you so stubborn.
No disrespect, though.
None taken.
We good? We good.
Bye, Tray.
Bye, T.
[SLOW PIANO MUSIC PLAYS.]
Yo.
What? I know that pussy's amazing.
World-class.
Mm[CHUCKLES.]
Look at you over there, lookin' sexy as hell.
Beautiful even, girl.
Oh! Whoa Okay! Whoa! Whoa! Slow down.
Shoot! Look, I'm sorry for snapping on you like that, but, okay, I've had a circumstance.
There's an issue going on down there.
It's very delicate.
Very delicate, all right? It's a long story.
I hope it's a long story.
Oh, ho, ho, it is, but but first, let me pull out my little bag of tricks.
This is what I like I like to call this my love luggage.
You know what I'm saying? Get things started.
Saw dust Just in case it gets real juicy in here.
This gonna absorb some of the liquids.
You ever been sous-vide? This is what I'm gonna wrap you up as French form of cooking, but it's gonna make all your parts tender.
In case [SNIFFS.]
you pass out, [SNIFFS.]
a little smelling salt.
Hit that real quick.
Hoo! [SNIFFS.]
Whew! Ha ha! I need you to, uh, fill out this consent form.
That's first and foremost.
Initial here, initial there.
Right there.
Full name here.
We didn't come up with a safe word, so this is for you.
[WHISTLE BLOWS.]
Just in case I go too rough.
[CHUCKLES.]
You signed the form.
There ain't much you can do about it.
Seems like it's time to get things started.
[HORN HONKS.]
Choo-choo train going, baby! Yeah! I see you over there, sexy ass.
Let me get up in there.
Come on now.
Get up in there.
Ooh! Oh, shit.
Is that the right hole? - Oh, they're all the same.
- [LAUGHS.]
That was inspiring.
That means even if the male crane gets locked up, the girl crane stays alone until they are reunited.
She certainly doesn't nest up with some white-feather Johnny-come-lately Crane from Connecticut.
I mean, what kind of shit is that, Shay I mean, Crane?! That plane leaves the ground and you're not with him, you'll regret it.
Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of your life.
FELONY: Come on, Gustavo.
Put the game on.
Gustavo, don't you touch that fuckin' remote, man.
It's "Casablanca.
" It's a classic.
Why would I wanna watch this, Tray? A bunch of white folks standin' around talkin'.
On the surface.
It's really about two lovers who ain't seen each other in years.
Now they got people and obstacles all in their way.
You know something? This movie is about me.
This movie about me and Shay.
I'm Rick Blaine, and she's the woman.
Just like this movie, I'm gonna get my girl back.
Watch! Actually, Rick doesn't get her back.
She leaves with that dude Victor.
Mm.
[SCOFFS.]
Turn this shit off, Gustavo.
Thank you.
Finally.
Damn it! That brings shit up, man.
Got me all heat now, man.
My girl, man! Got a new life.
New man.
Happy as shit.
I can't even sleep because of this bullshit going down.
GUSTAVO: Actually, what you need to do, my man, is get a fresh start.
The only way to get over your old bitch is to get a new bitch.
Speak your truth, Gustavo.
Go on a date, man.
It's healthy.
Fuck you know about healthy? You're a sex offender.
[SCOFFS.]
I can introduce you to somebody if you want.
Big Country, not in the mood.
Not interested.
Bet I could change your mind.
- Ain't gonna happen.
- [LAUGHS.]
Okay, okay.
Big Country, you wastin' your time.
My ex is dope! She got the package Intelligence, sense of humor, and vagina! Somebody say "vagina"? Oh, ho! Yeah, y'all gonna make room for an expert right here, 'cause "Pussy" is my middle name.
[LAUGHS.]
Did y'all just hear that? He said his name is "Pussy.
" [LAUGHTER.]
I did not say it was I said it was my middle name! - [LAUGHTER.]
- You know what? You might think you got a lot of them jokes, but I'ma tell you I knew a guy who had spent a long time in prison.
When he got out after doing his bid, hadn't used his stuff.
You end up with testicular atrophy.
That is blue balls.
This was very severe.
The The balls had dried up and withered up, and one of them was like a raisin.
Yeah, you know what? I think the one-ball fellow was you.
[LAUGHS.]
He most certainly was not.
Well, show us your nut sack, Mullins.
I'm I'm not showing you my nut sack! - Show us both of 'em.
- ALL: [CHANTING.]
Nut sack! - Nut sack? - Nut sack! Nut sack! Mullins only got one ball in his sack ALL: Nut sack! Nut sack! Nut sack! I ain't showin' you nothing! [IMITATES GUITAR PLAYING.]
Tray! Come here! This is Krystal.
Now, I snuck her up here to meet you.
Hey, Tray.
Um I think you should get to know her like today because tomorrow, she is booked.
Krystal, you're probably a nice person, but I think I'm gonna pass.
Well, if you change your mind [ LION ROARS.]
you know where to find me.
[SNIFFS.]
The Bronx? Look, you gotta get back out there, baby.
Let me introduce to the future, all right? I'm gonna take a couple of photos.
I got some costumes.
You know what I'm sayin'? Write your little bio.
And then before you know it, you're gonna be swimming in tenderonis, man! - Fine.
- [LAUGHS.]
All right, all right, okay.
First, we gotta seduce them into swiping right.
You know what I'm saying? That's how they They let you know they're feelin' you or whatever.
So, we gotta highlight your best features.
- You know what I mean? - My features? Ye Okay, okay, all right.
For example you got nice eyes, son.
I do? Yeah, yeah.
[LAUGHS.]
All right, so how about this So, what what What did Shay like about you? She liked, uh She liked my stroke.
Okay, all right.
We gonna put that.
"Stroke" My foot game My foot-rub game.
- "Foot-rub game" - Foot-rub game.
Yeah, mm-hmm.
She liked my cooking.
Okay.
Most of all, she liked my sense of humor.
- Most of all.
- Okay.
And I'm a great provider.
A'ight.
And But my money ain't movin' like that right now, Bobby.
What that got No, these broke-ass thots don't need all that, son! Look, that's what's dope about the app.
You can lie your ass off! You can Matter of fact, let me show you that.
[LAUGHS.]
Where you get the horse from? The stables at Prospect Park.
$42 an hour.
It paid for itself in ass that night.
Genius movie, but that don't even look like you, Bobby.
I know! Oh, come on.
Yo, come on, son.
One date.
One date! I already did that with Shay! We had something special, man.
Locked and loaded.
We was together! All right, all right.
A little tough love right now, all right? Shay ain't thinkin' 'bout you, cuz.
She thinkin' about the man she wakin' up to every morning she married, she raisin' kids with.
Meanwhile, you at home starin' at the ass print from Big Country's top bunk! It ain't heathy, Tray.
- Here, put it on there.
- Ha ha! Let's Come on, let's take some pictures, baby! Let's go.
It's all love, baby.
Show the Yeah, let me see the flower.
Let me see the flower.
Uhn! Bam There it is.
Put it up in the air.
Put it up in the air like you a VIP.
Ow! You in the club.
Wap, wap! That's it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Get it wet now! Unh! All right, come on, son, give me the Denzel.
Come on, I'm talking '90s Denzel, man.
Hold the g Get the gun in.
Hold the gun in.
Yeah, n-no Nah, I'm talkin' about "Glory.
" "Glory"? You didn't say "Glory.
" Yeah, now "Fences"! You givin' me - [GROANING.]
- Yes! Yes! Oh, that's it.
That's it.
All right.
Bobby, I'm tired of this, man.
You got me crying all day, man.
Come on, don't do that right now! What you want? What you want? Get me a wing and a keel breast and a biscuit.
All right, let me get a wing, keel breast, and a biscuit.
Let me get a, uh Let me get a two-piece.
Take it Jay.
He'll get that.
- Any bites yet? - Not a clue.
What are you doing? No, come on, son! I need you to focus, baby.
- Let's go, man.
- I'm getting to it.
Yo, you not getting to it! You lollygagging! You starin' at Shay right now, m All right.
Listen, I'ma I'ma get you right.
Hold up.
Let me open up this app real quick.
Boom, boom, boom.
There it is.
Right, cute, and she a little flirty? That's what you're lookin' for right there.
You know what I'm sayin'? No? - Too short.
- Too short?! - Too short.
- Whatcha She bangin'! She is b Yo, and she look like she got all her teeth, son.
- Bobby.
- That's a win.
Nah, listen, Bobby, I need a girl who's about something, man.
Some substance, man.
Been through the shit, man.
- Next.
- Yo! All right.
All right.
All right.
I got that.
I L-Look at that.
- Let me see.
- Uh-huh.
Come on, son.
Look like she been through some shit.
- You know what I mean? - No, man.
I don't trust no one that found religion before prison.
You right.
You right.
You right.
My You right on that.
Okay, wait, wait, wait.
Give me a second.
Give me a second.
Give This This her right here.
Check out.
What about her? She is fine.
Tamara 37, divorcee, 2 kids.
Yeah.
Ooh! And look at this up top! It says, "I'm a nice person.
" - That's the nail in the coffin for a kiss.
- There it is.
Come on.
There it is.
So, whatcha gonna do, son? - [LAUGHS.]
- What do you mean what am I gonna do? Whatcha gonna do? You gonna swipe right? Swipe right.
Bam! All right, now, look, look, look now.
I don't want you to get discouraged.
It may take a couple of days.
- [CELLPHONE CHIMES.]
- You know what I'm sayin'? - Ooh! A match.
- What?! Right there.
Look.
We matched right there.
Oh, you in the game, baby! - [LAUGHS.]
- Ah! - Let's go.
- I am, man.
- Chicken and bisc - You got my keel breast? You put my keel breast in there? - Hey, keel breast in here? - Yes.
Let me g Can I get some more hot sauce? Ain't no hot sauce.
Come on, s And where the drinks at, man? Where the dr What y'all doing? - Right here.
- What y'all doing today? - Bring the drinks.
- Come on, man.
- I'm in it.
- Y'all Y'all slippin' today.
- Look how she looks, man.
- I know.
She bangin'.
Tray got a girl, Tray got a girl Tray got a girl in the world, ha! Tray got a girl, Tray got a girl Tray got a girl in the world [CELLPHONE RINGING.]
Hello? TAMARA: Hi, Tray.
Oh, you cute! [CHUCKLES.]
Hi, TaMara.
It's nice to meet you.
It's so nice to meet you, too.
Whatcha wearin'? Oh, I just got out the shower, boo.
You know, I'm gettin' ready for you.
Just grooming up.
You know, I don't be getting in the shower for everybody, but I did that for you.
[CHUCKLES.]
Well, I just thought that I would FaceTime you and get that awkward first meeting out of the way so that when we see each other later on tonight it would be like, "Oh! Okay, so nice to see you again!" To be honest, I was a little nervous about all this, you know, but that that was adorable as fuck.
[LAUGHS.]
Thank you.
You really shine on my heart, Shay.
What? Ooh, shit! Fuck.
She sounds cute.
- Mullins! - I see you got your little shirt ready.
You got your jeans all fresh, Timbos lined up, ready to go.
You got a date? Get off my bed, Mullins.
I don't want you leavin' bed bugs and shit on my sheets! You hurtin' my feelings today, Barker.
Why you had to tell them that I was the one that might've been the one that the one ball, huh? You really think you're a bigger player than me? Whatever, Mullins.
Mm.
Okay.
Well, since we don't want to talk statistics, let's talk logistics.
You better have your ass back in here by 11:59 tonight, Cinderella, 'cause that's the curfew.
11:59? Come on, you know I got a date tonight, Mullins! Well, I don't make the rules.
I just enforce 'em on wise-ass ex-convicts like yourself.
Hey, Mullins.
Mullins.
Mullins, man.
No need to get hasty.
Man, listen.
I want you to come with us.
Mm.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh, you got you a little freak! You got a little freak right there.
Okay, you know what? We just need to lay some ground rules down 'cause the last time I had a threesome I-I just end up by myself.
I was I rolled up to Connecticut.
When I came back, they had robbed me.
Mullins, try to understand me.
I'm talking about me, Tamara, you, and one of your fine ladies, okay? I know you can get on the phone and call one of them fine-ass lodi dodis - you talkin' about.
- Of course! Oh, of course.
Yeah.
That's easy.
I-I-I'll I'm I'm runnin' through my mind right now.
I got four, five of them I can call.
- Okay, so we got a double date? - Yeah.
- Double date.
- Don't be late.
- It's us.
- Nah, I wouldn't ditch you.
You gonna show me something.
[CHUCKLES.]
So, how'd you find this place? Well, actually, I came here to get a job.
Heard the food was good.
I said, "Well, let me make a contribution to the reputation.
" So, it didn't work out, huh? [CHUCKLES.]
Nah.
Creative differences with me and the white dude up front there.
That's okay, though.
'Cause I got a job at Grundle's Coffee Shop instead.
Good evening.
I thought you said we were gonna meet here at 8:00? I asked for a table for four, but they gave me two, man.
Ain't that crazy? [LAUGHS.]
Why don't you go in them deep pockets, player, and grease somebody's palm and get yourself a seat with your lady? So, I'm We're not gonna share, uh, calamari or anything? No! No way.
Hi.
Oh, pardon me for being so rude.
Um, Miniard Mullins.
- Mm-hmm.
- How are you? - I'm very well.
- You are delectable.
Mm.
- [SMOOCHES.]
- [CHUCKLES.]
Thank you.
It's so nice to meet you.
Yes, delicious.
Oh! Forgive my rude-ality.
This is my companion, uh, for the evening.
Uh, this is Kr - Krystal.
- Krystal.
Very nice to meet you.
- Okay.
- Likewise.
Hi.
Okay, I'm gonna go grab my own table.
Go and get you a table.
- Oh.
- [LAUGHS.]
[CHUCKLES.]
Play on, player! So, that's your friend? [LAUGHS.]
He's more like a nigga I know from the streets, you know? [LAUGHS.]
I was really excited about tonight.
I was, too.
Now, don't think just 'cause you cute you gonna get some.
Hey, wait a minute.
The thought never crossed my mind.
Mm-hmm.
Tell me anything.
I got a lion in my pocket, and he's ready to roar.
- [LAUGHS.]
- Rawr! [LAUGHS.]
You are so bad! Let me ask you something about you.
You like working at the post office? Tell the truth You re-read mail? Uh, no, that's against the law.
[CHUCKLES.]
But I like it.
It's fine.
Great benefits.
Plus, I get out early, so I can make my kids dinner.
You're a cook, right? Not just any cook I'm magnificent, you know? I can't wait to show you.
Don't write a check your ass can't cash.
Oh, I can cash it.
I'm gonna give you back some change.
- [BOTH LAUGH.]
- Are you ready to order? Uh, I-I'm still undecided.
Shay, you go first.
Tray? Yeah? Who is Shay? That's my ex.
Oh.
Interesting.
- MAN: Sir? - Um you know what? I'm I believe I'm gonna go with the number 71.
The 71, sir? Yes, the 71.
This is what I'll have.
You You can Oh, um, sir, that's the price of the dish.
Oh! Mm! Oh, okay.
I We [CHUCKLES.]
Confused me because normally, the price is on the other side, and that threw me off.
So, in that case, I will have the, um I'm gonna have the number 9, and we'll We'll split that.
Certainly.
What did you think? Mm.
Not bad.
But I could've made the food better.
Would you care to order dessert? [DISTORTED MUSIC PLAYS.]
Yeah.
Let me get that one.
Of course.
Yo.
I ain't gonna flip my wig in here, but when I tried to get a job here, I gave them a sample of my dessert.
Now these motherfuckers are sellin' the recipe.
- What? - Yeah.
Are you gonna sue? Pssh, nah.
I'm gonna celebrate.
Lets me know my shit is good enough to be sold in fancy restaurants! That just lets me know you can't afford a good lawyer.
[LAUGHS.]
That, too.
You wanna go for a walk? Yeah.
Let's blow this joint, boo.
Sir? Money's on the table.
But your dessert? You can give it to fat cat over there.
Let's go, baby.
Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa.
No, no, no.
We I didn't I didn't bring enough money for that, so thank you so much.
Compliments of the couple that just left.
Just left? Hey.
Oh, my God, this is good as hell.
So, who was better in "The Godfather" Was it Vito, Sonny, or Clemenza? Michael! Ding ding ding ding ding! Correct! So, that was a trick question? I had to find out if you was a trick.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- Nasty self.
Oh, man, me and Shay never did stuff like this Just go for walks.
You and your guy ever do stuff like this? Nah, he was way into that thug life.
Oh, just like I used to be.
Man, I wish we would've spent more time back in the days just enjoying each other.
There's no time like the present.
[ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS.]
[BOTH CHUCKLE.]
You ready to join the mile-below club? I'm a founding member, Shay Shay.
[CHUCKLES.]
What's wrong? You know, you called me "Shay" three times since this date started.
I'm sorry.
Just take a little time to move on.
Look, at my age, I'm really not trying to have my heart broken again.
But But Tray, sweetie, this isn't gonna work out.
Why not? I like you.
I like you, too, but you gotta get over your ex first.
You gotta let her out before you let someone like me in.
- Hold on.
- Listen.
If that train leaves the station and you're not on it, you'll regret it.
Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow But another one is coming in eight minutes.
Just get on the train, Tray.
Damn, you so stubborn.
No disrespect, though.
None taken.
We good? We good.
Bye, Tray.
Bye, T.
[SLOW PIANO MUSIC PLAYS.]
Yo.
What? I know that pussy's amazing.
World-class.
Mm[CHUCKLES.]
Look at you over there, lookin' sexy as hell.
Beautiful even, girl.
Oh! Whoa Okay! Whoa! Whoa! Slow down.
Shoot! Look, I'm sorry for snapping on you like that, but, okay, I've had a circumstance.
There's an issue going on down there.
It's very delicate.
Very delicate, all right? It's a long story.
I hope it's a long story.
Oh, ho, ho, it is, but but first, let me pull out my little bag of tricks.
This is what I like I like to call this my love luggage.
You know what I'm saying? Get things started.
Saw dust Just in case it gets real juicy in here.
This gonna absorb some of the liquids.
You ever been sous-vide? This is what I'm gonna wrap you up as French form of cooking, but it's gonna make all your parts tender.
In case [SNIFFS.]
you pass out, [SNIFFS.]
a little smelling salt.
Hit that real quick.
Hoo! [SNIFFS.]
Whew! Ha ha! I need you to, uh, fill out this consent form.
That's first and foremost.
Initial here, initial there.
Right there.
Full name here.
We didn't come up with a safe word, so this is for you.
[WHISTLE BLOWS.]
Just in case I go too rough.
[CHUCKLES.]
You signed the form.
There ain't much you can do about it.
Seems like it's time to get things started.
[HORN HONKS.]
Choo-choo train going, baby! Yeah! I see you over there, sexy ass.
Let me get up in there.
Come on now.
Get up in there.
Ooh! Oh, shit.
Is that the right hole? - Oh, they're all the same.
- [LAUGHS.]