The League s01e04 Episode Script

Another tragic week in Ruxin Nation.
And who is to blame this time? There's always somebody.
There is always somebody to blame.
And this week, it's Antonio Gates.
I'm going into the final game of the week, up by 39 points.
You screwed me, Antonio Gates.
You screwed me hard.
A good player.
I grant you that.
Ten points a game.
Sure.
Twenty points, even.
Absolutely.
And all of a sudden, this guy comes out of nowhere scores four touchdowns, gains 200 yards.
Drops a 40 burger on me.
You know what, I hope this guy gets mouth cancer.
All right.
Enough.
Oh, my God.
- That's too much.
- It's almost better when he wins.
That's tough luck, dude.
Who were you playing? He's playing you, Taco.
Oh, by the way, did you know you have to choose a lineup every week? - Do I have to do that? Please, do that.
That way I know you're still walking the earth.
I'm in bye week hell, by the way.
I didn't mention that.
I got a running back My number one running back's As much as I enjoy listening to your diatribes l'm glad I'm going away this weekend.
Where you going? - Yeah.
Didn't I tell you? This was the weekend Meegan and I planned this whole, like, romantic spa anniversary getaway thing.
Obviously, she's not coming.
But, you know, it's, like, already paid for - Have a good time.
- I'm gonna go.
You know, and I could come with you.
- Be fun.
- Um I hadn't really thought about bringing a guy with me, or Yeah.
It'll be fun.
I'm a good car-trip buddy.
- Lf he brings anyone, he's not bringing you.
- Why? We're all best friends.
Um No, we're not.
What, there's levels of friendship? Yeah, definitely.
Mm-hm.
Look, there's the United Nations, and then there's the Security Council, okay? - Different.
Yeah.
- United Nations.
Security Council.
Ghana.
- But I can have access to the United I can't go.
- You can't go? Why not? - No, I can't go.
Jenny's out of town.
I gotta watch Ellie.
I have to watch my daughter, that means I'm pussy-whipped.
Don't look at me.
I'm boning a Lithuanian.
- Taco.
Get some.
- Yeah.
Yeah, and I don't wanna go, because my wife is my best friend.
- Aw.
Good.
Good man.
Good man.
- Aw.
So nice.
All right, well, Andre, then I think you're the next choice, my friend.
Would you like to accompany me to the spa? Yeah.
Yeah, I would.
Thank you so much.
- Are you really bringing him? - Sure.
Why not? In your face.
In your faces.
- Congratulations, Andre.
- Andre will be great.
- He's so comfortable in bathhouses.
Yeah.
- Absolutely.
- I heard that.
Good.
- That was the point.
So, what was the actual score? You didn't even look this week.
You don't know that you won? We got you baked when you were 8.
That's why you're dumb.
Shh.
Hey, hey, hey.
Tickle me And rub my belly Tickle me And rub my belly I hate that thing.
I hate it with all my heart.
I would too.
Jenny gets the weekend away and you're here with Mr.
McGibblets.
- I mean, come on.
Yeah.
Me and Mr.
McGibblets.
- I got a favor to ask you.
- What? Meegan and I are splitting up the stuff and I realize I left one crucial element in the bedroom.
- A handgun.
- No.
It's a tape.
- What kind of tape? - An A tape.
You guys made a sex tape? What? You didn't make a sex tape? No.
No, I don't make sex tapes.
- I don't do that.
- What? You watch porn.
Just because I like to eat doesn't mean I cook.
Look, it's in our DVD collection, upstairs in the bedroom inside the Curious Case of Benjamin Button DVD because I knew no one, absolutely no one, would ever open it.
- No one's got three hours.
Who'll watch? Look, it's a five minute B&E job.
I just need someone else with me.
Daddy, dance with Mr.
McGibblets.
Daddy, dance with Mr.
McGibblets.
Tickle me - You know what? - What? Gives me a good idea about Mr.
McGibblets.
You put on a Mr.
McGibblets outfit.
You break into the house and scare the shit out of Ellie.
She'll never wanna play with the toy again.
- That's a Taco job.
That's not me.
- What? - That's a Taco job.
- That's a Taco job.
You're right.
- Ha, ha.
Taco would do it.
- Daddy.
Uncle Pete.
Dance.
Tickle me, and rub my belly - Okay.
She's not home.
We're good.
- All right.
- Okay.
Get in here.
- Go, go, go.
- We gotta go upstairs.
- Hold on.
If she comes home, I'm gonna tell her you're a changed man and you want her back.
- Shut up.
Come on.
Come on.
I'm serious.
- I'm so nervous.
- You don't have to whisper.
She's not here.
What are you doing? That That's my wife's underwear.
Please.
What do these cover? - Have some restraint.
It's like wearing a pair of boxers that just covers the head of your cock.
It's just strange.
I would be scared shitless if someone broke in my house.
That's why I got those patrol guys.
You mean the little guys in the white cars? - Yeah.
They come by every three hours.
- You believe those guys offer some protection or have ever apprehended someone, ever? It's like the Cub Scouts watching over you.
- Got it.
- Oh, great.
Let's go.
So could we watch it? - No.
Damn it.
Best weekend getaway ever? Lt'll be fun.
- What did you think of the Man Mix? - Honestly maybe a little heavy on the Rascal Flatts, but good.
- Noted.
Gentlemen.
- Oh, look who it is.
- How are we? We are good.
What are you doing here? I wasn't gonna miss an opportunity at a dude weekend.
No, no.
You have to miss out.
You picked me.
- It's fine.
- I'm the best friend.
I already told Sofia that I had some lawyer bullshit this weekend.
So I have the weekend free.
So why haven't we checked in yet? Welcome to the Lark Meadow Hotel and Spa.
Checking in? - Yeah.
Pete Eckhart.
- Okay.
Let's see.
- Ah, happy anniversary, Mr.
Eckhart.
- Thank you.
- Congratulations to you both.
- Thank you.
Looks like we have a lot of romantic activities planned for you.
Starting with a romantic dinner for two in a private dining room followed by our candlelight couples massage.
- How long have you been together? - Fifteen years.
No.
My wife and I booked this trip when we were still together.
We're now separated, and since it's already paid for, I decided to bring my friend.
- Best friend.
- I'm so sorry.
- I'm embarrassed.
I apologize.
- I can see how that's misleading.
It's flattering to think that we could be a gay couple.
Look at that.
See? That's Only best friends could be like that.
- Anyway.
- Regardless, yeah.
- You guys check me in yet? We're working on it.
The couples massage, I can cancel that, obviously.
- No.
- Are you sure? - Let's keep it.
- Let's keep the couple massage.
Just remember when you're entering Andre not to say Kevin's name.
- I'm not entering.
Sorry you have to listen to this.
Okay, so I think that wraps us up here for now.
- Let me give you your room keys.
- All right.
And then please, don't hesitate to call if you need anything.
Here's my card.
My name's Claire.
I'm gonna write my cell phone number on here, just so, you know, 24 hours a day.
If there's anything you need.
That's what we're here for.
- Thank you.
Very accommodating.
- Don't hesitate to call.
Thank you.
Gates reamed me.
No more Gates, okay? - We're not doing this.
This is a Gates-free zone.
Fine.
We can talk about my bye week issues.
- I don't know which running back to play.
- Whoa.
- Two beds, three dudes.
- How do you wanna do this? Wanna flip for it? - I defer to you, my friend.
Okay.
Well, you snuggle monkeys can share a bed.
And daddy will get his own.
Uh-oh.
- Uh, I'm sorry.
- Wait, no.
Why do you have rights to the bed? Did I never tell you? I suffer from sleep apnea.
That's why I had to bring this guy with me.
My CPAP machine.
- What? What? Oh, my God.
Did you just rent that so you could have your own bed? I am not going to answer that.
What's going on? What are we doing? Well, I think, Pete, you have a phone call to make to the lovely lady downstairs.
Claire.
- Why? Why? - Why? Because she was hitting on you.
- Yeah.
No, let me explain something, guys.
This is a hotel.
When you come to these hotels, there are people paid to be nice to you so you'll wanna come back and spend more money.
No.
She liked you.
She liked your style.
I understand on the spectrum from "I wanna have sex with you" to "I wanna kill you" hospitality and flirting are somewhere in that gray area in between.
Then if I hit on her, and it was just hospitality, then it's totally weird.
- What do you have to lose? - You have nothing to lose.
If she's rude to you, fill out a comment card.
- Okay.
- "Claire was a real dick.
" If all else fails, I've always got you as my snuggle buddy.
That's right.
- Andre, as the number-one friend it is common courtesy to give a reach around.
And I'm well-equipped to do that.
So buckle up, buttercup.
You're in for a good old western-grip-style hand job.
Cadillac Williams.
Tashard Choice.
Cadillac Williams.
Tashard Choice.
I don't know.
Patrick Crayton.
Where did you come from, Pierre Garcon? You are an animal with Peyton Manning tossing to you, you know? What the fuck? Taco.
What are you doing? Get in the house.
Get in the house.
Come in.
Idiot.
- Ugh.
It smells like cat food in there.
- What were you thinking? This is a cleaver.
I was gonna bring nunchucks.
I didn't think she'd know what they were.
Taco, no weapons.
I'm gonna go to bed in a while.
Hang out in the basement.
In about an hour, go up to Ellie's room open the door, scare her a little bit.
- Okay.
- Just to the point that she never wants to see, look at or even be around the Mr.
McGibblets ever again.
Oh, by the way, can I keep this for a little bit? It's getting chilly in my apartment.
They cut the heat.
I only rented it for two days.
We got a deal? Deal.
Sleep tight, brother.
Fuck.
I'm looking at my wardrobe, and I'm like, I would like to be able to dress better too.
And I like the way that you just own it, man.
You know, I mean, whatever.
I like to shop and I like fashion.
- You look good in it.
I'm wondering - I'll take you.
We'll go shopping.
I don't wanna sound corny, but it's nice, you and I having one-on-one time.
- Definitely.
- We rarely get to do this.
I'm enjoying it.
- I gotta say.
- Me too.
Friend.
Now that I think about it, I wonder if there's a trade somewhere for you and - No, no, no.
No trade, okay? - Why? - Because last year, you trade-raped me.
- I did not.
- You raped me.
- It was not trade rape.
It was like a bad date, maybe.
But it was consensual.
Consensual my ass, okay? You jumped out of the bushes, ripped down my panties, and trade-raped me.
All right.
Maybe last year was a trade rape.
But this year, my intentions are pure.
You are a completely different player.
You're playing with intelligence and tenacity that is unprecedented in this league.
- You think? - I got a trade in mind.
It helps you, it helps me.
We both go to the playoffs.
These are the things that number-one friends do for each other.
Can I trust you? Yes.
Yes, you can.
Mr.
McGibblets! You're funny.
Uh - I sure am glad you're here.
Dance for me.
Uh That's not the dance.
Uh That's not the dance.
I'm gonna show you around the house.
Hmm.
This is the TV room.
- Do you want some toys? - Uh This is Sophia.
And this is Biggie Banshee.
Uh - Do you want a picture? - Uh-uh.
Hm.
- Oh! You want the computer.
- Mm-hm.
Here you go, Mr.
McGibblets.
This is for you.
This has stones on it.
Here's some mail.
Here's some keys, so you can come back whenever you want.
You can make a Mornay sauce.
All you do is add cheese to it.
That makes it a Mornay sauce.
What? What the hell's that? What the hell is that? Twenty-forty-six calling in.
We got an upright birthday mascot.
He's exiting a house carrying a satchel.
I don't know what this is.
But I'm gonna find out.
Come on.
We gotta go.
Sir.
Sir, please stop.
Please stop right now.
Sir.
Sir.
Stop immediately.
Tickle me and rub my belly Sir, cease and desist.
Cease and desist immediately.
Halt, or there will be trouble.
God.
Right into the night.
Hey.
I had to blow town.
Neighborhood fuzz is on my tail.
Gotta stay here with you guys.
That okay? Just don't try and have sex with me.
Nice sleep bong.
Whose smoke shop did you get it at? Your mom's.
Good night.
Don't touch me.
Ellie? Baby? All right, up and them, sleepies.
Hey, Taco, Jacques Cousteau.
Come on, emerge from the submarine.
How was the expedition, captain? - What time is it? - It's, like, 11:00.
You guys missed breakfast.
No, I ate the leftovers you left in the hallway.
Uh, that's not our breakfast.
- Yeah, we didn't order room service.
Guys, we got a wine tasting coming up at 2:00.
Good chance for our friend Pete here to meet some single ladies and for us to get drunk.
- So - Come on.
Let's do this.
- Up, up, up.
Let's do it.
Whoa! Oh, boy.
- Really? What is that? - What is that? - Were you naked all night? No.
- Yeah.
I always sleep naked.
- No.
All right, boys, let's go, let's go.
Warm up.
Stretch a little bit.
- Come on.
- I thought it was a rule that everyone had to get circumcised.
Pete, look at me.
Look at me.
We're gonna get you laid tonight.
Is it gone? Ah Don't stretch.
Come on.
Mm.
So there are a lot of beautiful women here today.
And I wanna say, for myself, and Taco we are taking ourselves off the market because today is about you, finding you a woman, and losing your second virginity.
Oh, you mean anal? All I'm saying to you is, you have your pick of the litter.
I appreciate the generosity.
I think the couples retreat wine tasting may be the worst place to pick up on women.
I disagree.
Look at the can on that one.
She does have a sweet can.
She also has a nice set of ears.
As does the guy who's with her.
So you might wanna use discretion.
Oh.
Okay.
Um I got it.
Check out the Hingis on that one.
All right.
Martina Hingis.
Could any name sound more like genitalia than Hingis? She's got a nice pair of Sharapovas over there.
Some Capriatis poking through.
Oh, gentlemen, check this out.
It looks like the Williams sisters are playing doubles today.
You can see her Kim Clijsters.
I think I see a little Becker under there.
- I wanna drop my Lendls in her mouth.
What are you doing here? - Kevin.
- What's going on, guys? - What's up? - Hey, brother.
Wasn't expecting you.
I wonder why you weren't expecting me.
I had to drop Ellie off at her grandmother's to come back and pick up all my shit that you stole.
Oh, yeah.
I had a great time with Ellie, by the way.
The costume you gave me, she loved it.
Taco, you were supposed to scare her.
Scare her.
She wants to know when you're coming back.
- I'm supposed to go back at Christmas.
- You're not.
Why don't you give him the stuff and then you can go.
Oh.
Well, thank you very much, Captain Hospitality.
All I'm saying is, it's supposed to be a friend vacation.
We had our first intruder.
Now our second.
And I don't need a third.
- I wanna be the third.
- What is this, a clown car? - I mean, who else is gonna show up? - Gentlemen.
Mr.
Eckhart.
- How are you enjoying your weekend? - Very well.
Good.
Well, please let me know if there's anything you need.
- Anything at all.
I'm never very far, so - All right.
Thanks.
- Sexual tension.
- You're sure that's not hospitality? There's hospitality, and there's hospitality plus.
She wants you to put it in her Davenport.
- All I know is that girl's into you.
- Lf I get rejected, it's on you guys.
Fine.
- See you later, brother.
Get to it, Pete.
Can I ask you why you're dressed like a Russian house DJ? First of all, just so you know, this is the same thing Vin Diesel wore in xXx.
- I'm done with you.
- He's the extreme James Bond.
Please stop talking.
Excuse me.
- Hi.
- Mr.
Eckhart.
Hi, Claire.
How are you enjoying your stay here? It's great.
Thanks for asking.
Have you had a chance to explore the grounds? Yeah, we found the wine tasting.
It was good.
Great.
Excellent.
There's also some really beautiful gardens and some nice hiking trails.
- There's a secret garden.
- A secret garden? Mm-hm.
It's really lovely.
It's a nice intimate spot.
It's quiet.
Uh That sounds great.
I'll definitely check it out sometime.
If that's something you'd enjoy, I can take you right now, Mr.
Eckhart.
Right this way.
Antonio Gates has not let up.
Oh, come on.
- Why do you care? - Why do I care? He screwed me.
He didn't screw any of you guys.
- It's just week in and week out.
- One week.
Fine.
I need to go to the spa and schvitz it out.
- Has he been like this all weekend? - Yeah.
But in spite of that, I've been having a great time with my number-one friend, Pete.
We had quail eggs.
Have you done that with Peter? - Peter? - We had a great time.
- We walked around the lobby.
- That's great.
- Bought me a pen.
Heh, heh.
- Wow.
And, to top it all off, we even made a trade.
Really? - Yeah.
- I gave Peter Ronnie Brown.
Okay.
And he gave me Plaxico Burress.
- Are you serious? - Are you for real? - See you guys in the playoffs.
- Pete trade-raped you.
- You've been trade-raped.
- He did not trade-rape me.
How many games have you seen Plaxico Burress play? I don't know.
The Giants have been doing Ehh! Answer is zero.
Because the guy is in jail for two years, you moron.
Unless you're playing a two-year-down-the-line league, you're out.
- He told me that wasn't Burress.
- How did you not hear it? I heard about it.
I didn't think it was that guy.
That's him.
- This is your fault.
Yeah.
- My fault? What two grown men do during a couples massage is their own business.
He told me I could trust him.
- We were gonna go shopping together.
- You're such an idiot.
- From the mouth of babes.
- No.
You're so stupid.
So these are the secret gardens.
It's a really nice private place to come and spend a few hours.
- Yeah.
- And that's the kissing bridge, over there.
- Ah.
The old kissing bridge.
Yeah.
It's a great place to read.
It's really nice in the morning.
We have a tai chi class out here.
And people enjoy watching that, or yoga if that's more to your preference.
Got it.
Right.
You know, I'm gonna I'm gonna try something.
- Finally.
- Okay.
That's not part of your job, right? No, my shift ended 20 minutes ago.
Okay.
Good.
Okay.
All right.
There was some confusing jargon there.
- Just habit to Yeah.
- Yeah, oh, okay.
- I know you've been dying to see this room.
- I can't wait.
I need an upgrade, by the way.
- Oh.
- Andre.
I'm sorry.
No.
Turn that off.
- That's you having sex.
He's drunk.
Don't pay attention to that.
That's still you having sex.
- I thought it was Benjamin Button.
- That's gross.
Turn it off.
- I'm gonna I gotta go.
It looks rough, but it's beautiful.
They are beautiful creatures.
If you need anything else, just call the front desk.
I wouldn't have done this if your pay-per-view movies were reasonably priced.
Not number-one friend material, by the way.
How much of me having sex did you actually watch? The whole Kournikova.
Ruxin's sleep bong is awesome.
Hey, you're on TV, man.
Ray Rice.
I mean, you gotta go Ray Rice.
We got the Raiders Antonio Gates.
- How are you, man? - Nice to meet you, man.
I cannot believe you just got into this hot tub.
- What are you doing here? - Just bye week.
Visiting some family.
All right.
- Relaxing.
Chilling.
- Yeah.
Well, I can't tell you how excited I am to meet you.
Because I have been cursing your name all week long.
And now I get to yell at you in person.
- Excuse me? - Excuse me? You ruined my Fantasy Football team this week.
I'm just doing my job.
My job is to go play football.
Well, when you catch balls, it has a negative effect on my team.
You ravaged my Fantasy Football team.
- You know what? - What? I didn't know that.
But now that I met you, I'm happy that it turned out that way.
- I don't like your tone, sir.
- You're an angry little man.
- I'm about to get angry all up in your face.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
- I told you Ruxin would wreck the weekend.
Wrecked? The guy took a punch in the face from Antonio Gates.
Put it up.
Well, actually I slapped him and then fell running away.
But Hey, it counts.
You know.
- I like this spa.
That was relaxing.
- Shut up, Taco.
Yeah, we're never gonna hear the end of this Ruxin-Antonio Gates thing.
I'm returning all the McGibblets stuff before Jenny comes home.
The good news is Taco didn't kill Ellie so - Oh, God.
- Got you, you sick son of a bitch.
Hold on.
What are you doing? - Call headquarters.
- We finally got one.
We finally got one.
- Ow! You're hurting me.