The Loop (2006) s01e04 Episode Script
Trouble in the Saddle
- [Shutter Clicking.]
- [Giggling.]
- Got it.
- It's ready.
What's ready? - The greatest thing known to man.
- Behold, ladies - The "zip line.
" - What did you connect that to? Across the street, next to the falafel cart.
Now, whenever we get hungry, we just zip down Bam! - Hummus in our bellies, 6.
9 seconds.
- [Sam.]
Hey, guys.
My boss just invited me to his horse ranch, and I get to negotiate with Airbus.
I just took a picture of a dog in a hat! - Oh.
- That's that thing you were hoping to get invited to.
Yeah, yeah.
We're buying 10 A380s from them and this is the final price negotiation.
I wouldn't pay a penny over 68 million per plane.
That's exactly what we're offering.
How did you know that? Your briefcase was the only thing in the bathroom.
No, my briefcase wasn't in the bathroom.
It was on my bed.
All right, you got me.
I did the "clench shuffle" into your bedroom.
- Aw.
- Oh, we got some good news too, Sam.
Yep.
Finally, we attached the zip line to the promised land.
Falafel cart across the street? - The dream is now a reality.
- I want to do it.
- Zip line, baby! Whoo! - [Rock.]
Comin' at you! Whoa! - 6.
8 seconds.
- [Laughing.]
New world record.
Get to know me! [Stops.]
- I'm gonna need one more.
- [Laughing.]
[Man Singing.]
[Continues.]
[Ends.]
- Hey, Margaret.
- Morning.
Hey, Darcy.
How's your morning going? Well, I got felt up by a strange man on the "L.
" Oh, I'm so sorry.
Are you okay? Sure.
It's the most action I've had in two and a half years.
But things should pick up when my arranged marriage comes through.
Great.
Thesis, glad I caught you.
We're going up to the ranch today.
Wh Today? I thought the negotiations were tomorrow.
Yeah.
Well, I thought that my son had married a woman too.
Cold wake-up call for both of us, huh? Turns out the French have some frog festival they have to get back for.
But I think it's the 50th anniversary of them grabbing their ankles for the krauts.
- Right.
Got it.
- I need you on your game, Tonto.
- Are you ready with the background info? - Yes, sir.
I've got the specs on the A380s, the profit margins, sales histories to Lufthansa, Air Canada, Egypt Air Whoa! Don't shoot your wad now, sonny.
- I need you primed and ready when we cross the Maginot Line.
- Yes, sir.
A-And just out of curiosity, why are we going to the ranch? The ranch is a closer.
I have never not closed a deal on that ranch.
Including one with a certain Lady Bird Johnson.
Or as I like to call her, "Dirty Bird Johnson.
" - Wow.
- Right.
Go home, get changed.
We're wearing ranch attire.
And don't be late.
No, no.
Yes.
Got it.
Thank you.
Hey.
Congrats on the invite.
That's big.
- It's exciting.
- It took me five years to get invited to that ranch and three weeks for my ass to recover.
- From all the riding? - Riding? What? Whoo! Sammy! I'm gonna live forever.
! Whoo.
! - [Door Closes.]
- Bro, what are you doing home? It's still light out.
- Wait, is it tomorrow? - They moved the meeting up a day.
- Lizzy, do you know what ranch attire is? - Horse or cattle? - Horse.
- Western or English? - Western.
- Regular or sidesaddle? - Regular.
- Ranch or thousand island? - Lizzy! - [Sighs.]
Come on.
Here's some old Halloween stuff.
Let's see.
Slutty nurse.
Slutty maid.
Slutty devil.
Slutty slut.
Oh, look at this! Here.
Try this on.
This is from when I was a slutty scarecrow.
Oh, I remember that.
That party at Sheffield's.
Piper was Dorothy, I was the Lion and Sully ruined it by going as Edward James Olmos.
I actually thought Piper and I were gonna kiss that night.
I was gonna say you haven't talked about Piper in a while - but I didn't want to jinx it.
- There's nothing to jinx.
She has a boyfriend who she's totally into I'm over it.
- You're totally over it? - Totally.
Though she does look pretty sexy going down a zip line.
But I think that just has to do with seeing breasts at high speed.
All right.
How do I look? Really, really, really gay.
[Sully.]
Guys, come out here right now.
Guys.
! Guys.
! Look, he is skating, guys.
He is skating! - [Door Opens.]
- Whoo! I was scared of the zip line at first, but now - What's with k.
d.
Lang? - I'm changing.
- You gonna be ready for our party tonight? - We're having a party? - Yep.
Zip line-wet-T-shirt-shooting-gallery party, dude.
- [Sam.]
What? Yeah, we fill Super Soakers with beer and spray people as they zip down.
- It's gonna be sick.
- Great.
I'll be there tonight.
- Oh, that's too late.
It starts at 4:00.
- 4:00? Who has a party at 4:00? The unemployed, Sam.
Okay? Let's try to be a little more sensitive.
- This is so good.
- Oh, that looks great.
Can I have some? Oh.
I ordered you one.
He's got it waiting for you.
- Zip down.
- I can't go out in this.
I look like I'm dressed for a night at "The Manhole.
" I already paid.
He's about to move down the block.
- It'll take you six seconds.
- Come on.
Let's go.
- The thing is greasy.
- Let's do this.
I need a napkin.
This thing's greasy.
There's no time.
He's moving down the street.
You gotta go.
- [Screams.]
- Go, go, go! No, Sammy.
That's [Screaming.]
Agh! Whoo! - [Groans.]
- Oh, Sammy.
You took that shawarma right in the playmaker.
You okay, man? - [Shouting.]
What's my name? - Lizzy, shh.
- Great.
You gave it to him.
- A hospital.
[Slurps.]
[Piper.]
Oh, poor Sammy.
I'm so sorry I gave you a greasy bar, Sam.
What are we talking about here, huh? He didn't do anything wrong.
The kid asked me for napkins and I sent him out the window.
Now I got to live with that.
- So how we doing in here? - How do you think he's doin'? He took it full speed in the crunch berries.
[Scoffs.]
This guy.
Your test came out fine.
The burns on your hands should clear up in a couple weeks but you want to avoid using them as much as possible.
- Okay, great.
So then I can go? - No.
Not yet.
You suffered a very serious injury to your groin, Sam.
We want to make sure you didn't suffer any vascular trauma.
Eh, vascular means having to do with veins.
I'm taking some science classes to go to med school next year.
I'm practically a doctor.
Okay.
I need to know that you can achieve tumescence before I can release you.
Tumescence means swollen or engorged Oh, my God.
[Sam.]
Wait, wait, wait.
You mean I need to engorge my area? You need to achieve an erection, yes.
If you can achieve full arousal, then I can rule out any clotting or hematoma in your testes or scrotum.
- [Chuckles.]
- Either of which could lead to an aneurysm or stroke.
- Scrotum.
- Hematoma.
Right.
But my hands I can't, you know - I'm sure your girlfriend can help you out.
- She's not my girlfriend.
- Sorry, your girlfriend.
- Also not my girlfriend.
- Sorry.
Your wife.
- Dude, he's my brother.
Then you're gonna have to spend the night.
Tumescence generally occurs naturally after a good night's sleep.
No, no.
There's got to be something else I can do.
I have a really important meeting that starts in a half hour.
Sorry.
Unless one of your friends can help you out you can't leave this hospital.
Wh - What did he just say? - Dude, one of us has to pound your porcupine.
This is one of those moments in life we're never gonna forget.
One that's either gonna draw us closer together or drive us apart forever.
Everybody else thinking about his wiener right now? - Yeah, me too.
- That's funny, Sully.
Thanks for that.
I'm taking urology.
You mind if I take a lookie loo? - Uh, Piper, no! - [Cell Phone Ringing.]
Oh, let me help you.
- Hello? - Sam, it's Meryl.
Where are you? Uh, I'm on my way to Russ's right now.
- [Simulates Traffic Passing.]
- Russ fired the last person who was late to the ranch.
- Yeah, I'm almost there.
I think I see it.
- [Imitates Ambulance Siren.]
- Thanks, Meryl.
Bye.
- All right, but tell your brother that was a British ambulance.
- [Mimics Meow.]
- Don't be late, Sam.
I won't.
Thanks, Meryl.
- Someone's gotta do this for me.
- I'll do it.
- No.
P-Piper, no.
No.
- Why not? It's a medical procedure.
- I can do it.
- L-I don't know.
I just I don't feel right about it.
- Let her do it.
- [Whispering.]
No.
I'll do it, bro.
We got the same meat stick.
- I know how to rock it.
- God, Sully.
No.
- I can do it, Sam.
It's not a big deal.
- It is a big deal.
- And I want Lizzy to do it.
- [Piper.]
Why? It should be me.
It would give me a chance to get hands-on medical experience.
Piper, no.
I'm sorry, but no.
All right.
Fine.
Guess it's all you, Lizzy.
All right.
You want riverboat style or regular? [Man Singing.]
- Okay, I'm ready.
- Finally.
Now let's see that weasel.
Wait, just one second.
Sam, you got to be at your meeting in 15 minutes.
- You want to get fired or not? - No, no.
It's just this is awkward.
Your my friend and you're about to touch my stuff.
Then why didn't you just let Piper do it? She's your crush.
I know.
I know.
I just I don't want her handling my junk for medical procedure.
I want her handling my junk because she likes me.
All right.
Enough with the dirty talk, I'm turned on.
Now whip it out.
Wait, wait.
One more second.
One more second.
Let me Why? I'm just trying to help you out here, Sam.
Now free the beast! Okay, okay.
It's just we're in a hospital and-and-and I'm in pain and these lights are really not doin' it for me.
- [Sighs.]
Oh, God.
- Do you want to see if they have some wine or anything? - No.
- Want to get rough? - You want to slap me or something? - No.
I'm kinda doin' all the work here, Sam.
- You gotta meet me halfway.
- Okay.
Let me just Let me relax.
- You want me to talk dirty to you? - No.
All right.
Let's go! [Lizzy.]
Okay, he's good.
[Woman Singing.]
- God, I feel like such an idiot.
- Yep.
Thanks for driving.
I appreciate it.
Well, I'm just glad I could use my hands for something.
- What? - I'm basically a doctor, Sam.
I was the logical choice, and I thought I was your best friend.
- You are my best friend.
- Then why did you demand Lizzy? - I didn't demand Lizzy.
- Please, you practically put it in her hand.
You think Lizzy's hotter than me.
I get it.
- That's not it at all.
- I've been with my boyfriend for such a long time I don't even know how people see me anymore.
But thank you for cluing me in.
I'm a dog who you can't even throw a bone.
[Woman Singing.]
- [Screams.]
- We're here.
You know, it's fine.
I'm okay with it.
I'm plain.
That's That's who I am.
No, you're not plain.
You're better than plain.
Oh, I'm better than plain.
Gee, you know, thanks, Sam.
Where were you at yearbook time? No Eh Agh Ow.
Ow.
Ow! Ow! You really want to know why I didn't want you to do it? Yes.
- Ever since the first time I met you in college, I had a big - [Meryl.]
Sam.
Come on.
Everybody's waiting for you.
The French are getting antsy.
- It'll be just one second.
- No.
You're already late.
Russ needs the Airbus background info.
Come on, brokeback mountain.
- L I gotta go.
- You're what? You had a what? Just tell me.
- Sam.
- Look.
I'll tell you later.
I'm sorry.
See you at home.
[Wincing.]
Uh, if I'm not in my room, I'll be chained to a spike in the backyard.
Hey, pretty baby.
How 'bout I buy you a drink you, uh, sit on Dimitri's lap? Thank you, sir.
I really needed that today.
[Winces.]
Okay, Sam.
We get it.
You're a cowboy.
Thesis, what the hell are you wearing? - Uh, ranch attire? - You look like my dog walker.
All you need is a Subaru full of German Shepherds.
- And what is that on your hands? - Oh, um, this? I, uh I just came from the boxing gym.
I like to hit the heavy bags before a big negotiation.
- You know what I mean? Get the blood going.
- Take 'em off.
- Got it.
- I want you to meet a couple of terrific executives.
We fought together in W.
W.
Deuce.
Now we're fighting together again for profits.
Jacques L'Oiseau and Pierre Gentin.
Nice to meet you, Mr.
L'Oiseau! Mr.
Gentin, how's it goin'? Aw, Yeah! It's good.
It's good.
And the rest of the Airbus team.
You gotta shake 'em all.
- It's their custom.
- [Bird Screeching.]
- [Whimpers.]
- Enchanté.
- [Whimpers.]
- Enchanté.
- Enchanté.
- Lock it down, Thesis.
I know they stink to high heaven, but keep it to yourself, okay? - Bonjour.
- [Whimpers.]
- [Whimpers.]
- Good.
You've all met.
Now let's get down to business.
Saddle up.
- Saddle what? - [Horse Whinnies.]
- Shake knockers.
- [Horse Whinnies.]
[TV, Indistinct.]
I am so hungry.
Aren't you hungry, Lizzy? - I don't know.
I guess I could eat.
- I fly, you buy? - Half-chicken plate and an ice tea.
- Back in 18 seconds.
Hah! Oh, I'm slipping! - [Crash.]
- Oh, my God! Sully! Hot nut cutters! Whoo! - Are you okay? - I don't think so! - What hurts? - Aw, my man cakes.
I smashed them right in the cart just like Sammy did earlier.
I am not gonna front.
I am hurting here! Oh, my God.
Should I take you to the hospital? We know what they're gonna say.
They're gonna say hematoma and scrotum and tumescence.
Ah.
There's only one way to find out if I'm really okay.
[Man Singing.]
[Man Singing.]
Okay, okay.
Riverboat style or regular? Riverboat, please.
Oh, wait, wait, wait.
Should we do it here or back at the house? I know.
On the sun porch.
- Yea, the sun porch.
- Hey, wait a minute.
Your hands aren't burnt.
- Why can't you do it yourself? - I don't know.
I'm not a doctor.
You pervo.
These hands are for boyfriends and medical emergencies only.
Agh! I will do it.
[Winces.]
[Wincing.]
[Russ.]
Whoa.
Whoa.
Move your mule, cowgirl.
On this spot where we stand 1,000 Winnetka Indians were slaughtered by the white man in July of 1851.
- [Bird Screeching.]
- We had my daughter's wedding here lastJune.
We had a harp.
It was beautiful.
We love your A380s, gentlemen.
It's a gorgeous machine.
We would take pleasure to sell them to such a fine airline as yours.
Well, let's do this son of a bitch! We're prepared to offer five percent below the European rate.
Three percent is as low as we can go.
It is already far below what we charged Delta.
That's true, but the Delta deal included 12 A320s which reduced prices across the board.
The A380s taken by themselves would have been at four percent below.
You didn't count on my secret weapon, did you, Jacques? First you send us Lance Armstrong, and now him? [Laughter.]
- [Whinnies.]
- [Screams.]
[Whimpers.]
Five percent is all we can do.
[Speaks French.]
- It is not possible.
- [Screams.]
Well, then, I'm afraid we'll have to take our business over to Boeing.
I'm sorry it has to come to this.
Au revoir.
- [Shrieking.]
- [Whinnies.]
[Whimpering.]
[Sniffles.]
- Thesis? - Are you crying? No.
Yes, he is.
He's crying like my wife during Le Bébé du Million Dollar.
I'm sorry.
Million Dollar Baby.
What is wrong with your man-child? - Sam? - Um This deal It's just too right to not happen.
Look, l-I know emotion has no place in business but come on, what the hell happened to us? Can't we just put our differences aside and get to yes? The boy is right.
France and America We used to be pals.
Look at us now.
Squabbling like a bunch of drunken Belgians at a Ukranian gay pride parade.
Oh, look at this little pet store hamster.
He's speaking from the heart.
- [Whimpers.]
- We can't let him down.
We can't let ourselves down.
And we can't let our country down.
- Those are real tears.
- I'm sorry.
No.
There's nothing to be sorry about.
This is passion.
Like I have never seen from an American.
Like I have not seen in years.
- Four percent below.
- 4.
5.
4.
3 and throw in the boy.
4.
4 We keep the boy.
- Done! - Done.
[Laughs.]
[Whimpers.]
You can drop the act, Borgnine.
We got the deal.
[Groans.]
Hey, Sam.
How's it goin'? - Hi, Lizzy.
- How are your Tater Tots? Uh, that.
Yeah.
Everything seems to be Yeah, I had a pretty tough afternoon.
Oh, no.
I hope it wasn't my fault.
- When I got in there, I tried to - Lizzy, I know you're super comfortable with your body, and I appreciate that.
But I'd feel much better if we just kept this as an awkward thing between the both of us - for the rest of our lives.
- Oh, yeah.
I totally get it.
I just wanted you to know the reason I kissed you afterwards.
- Lizzy! - Fine.
But I don't know why you just didn't let Piper do it.
Because Sam thinks I'm a Belgian crackerhound.
Piper, that is not why I didn't want you to do it.
- Then why? - Okay, okay, okay.
Here it is Just like I was saying at the [Screams.]
Just like I was saying at the ranch Ever since college, I've been kind of scared to tell you something.
Because if you're not really into it, it might ruin our friendship Piper.
! Your boyfriendjust called.
Oh, that is so great.
I really want to talk to him.
I miss him so much.
Yeah, sorry I couldn't put him through.
I was really busy learning that douchey Coldplay song on the ring tones.
[Mimics Tones.]
Turns out it's just fives and sixes over and over again.
- Sam, tell me.
- No, no.
Uh It can wait.
M-Make your phone call.
- Tell me.
- It's fine.
Go, go, go, go.
Sam, seriously.
Right now.
I really like Lizzy.
- [Whispering.]
Yeah.
- Oh, my God! - That's so cute.
- That I know.
L It is cute.
That-That's why I wanted her to do it, because I really like her.
- I like her.
[Chuckles.]
- Do you want me to talk to her? No, no, no, no, no, no.
J No.
We already talked.
She's not into it.
What are you gonna do? There's plenty of fish in the sea, right? - No man's an island.
Don't you gotta call Marco? - Yeah.
Yes.
So this had nothing to do with me? Nothing at all.
Nothing at all.
- I just really like Lizzy.
- Oh.
This is such a relief.
- Yeah.
- [Sighs.]
Hey, and for the record, I think Lizzy's a fool not to go for you.
I think so.
Hi there.
- Don't start, Lizzy.
- Ah-ah-ah.
You started, lover.
I'm just here to finish.
- Lizzy! - All right.
All right.
God! I'm just trying to have a little fun.
It's not every day somebody fake-likes me.
[Sighs.]
I didn't know what else to say to her.
So you do still like Piper, huh? This thing's been going on for four years.
It's a little hard to turn off overnight.
You'll find someone.
You have a lot to give.
A lot.
I know.
I've seen it.
Thank you.
I got to go to the bathroom.
I'm on it, bro.
I got to go too.
I've never really run two hoses before.
- This is gonna be awesome.
Come on! - Absolutely not.
- All right.
Let's go.
- [Wincing.]
- All right.
What do you want? - [Rock.]
- Falafel salad.
- Gyro.
- Don't do this.
- Sammy, don't worry.
We've been training.
He loves this.
All right, Beckman.
Just like we practiced.
Be good, boy.
Deep breath.
Attaboy.
Go, Beckman.
Come on, buddy.
- [Man Singing.]
- [Shouting.]
Attaboy.
- Beckman.
- [Chuckles.]
- [ChangeJingling.]
- Thank you.
[Man Singing.]
- [Giggling.]
- Got it.
- It's ready.
What's ready? - The greatest thing known to man.
- Behold, ladies - The "zip line.
" - What did you connect that to? Across the street, next to the falafel cart.
Now, whenever we get hungry, we just zip down Bam! - Hummus in our bellies, 6.
9 seconds.
- [Sam.]
Hey, guys.
My boss just invited me to his horse ranch, and I get to negotiate with Airbus.
I just took a picture of a dog in a hat! - Oh.
- That's that thing you were hoping to get invited to.
Yeah, yeah.
We're buying 10 A380s from them and this is the final price negotiation.
I wouldn't pay a penny over 68 million per plane.
That's exactly what we're offering.
How did you know that? Your briefcase was the only thing in the bathroom.
No, my briefcase wasn't in the bathroom.
It was on my bed.
All right, you got me.
I did the "clench shuffle" into your bedroom.
- Aw.
- Oh, we got some good news too, Sam.
Yep.
Finally, we attached the zip line to the promised land.
Falafel cart across the street? - The dream is now a reality.
- I want to do it.
- Zip line, baby! Whoo! - [Rock.]
Comin' at you! Whoa! - 6.
8 seconds.
- [Laughing.]
New world record.
Get to know me! [Stops.]
- I'm gonna need one more.
- [Laughing.]
[Man Singing.]
[Continues.]
[Ends.]
- Hey, Margaret.
- Morning.
Hey, Darcy.
How's your morning going? Well, I got felt up by a strange man on the "L.
" Oh, I'm so sorry.
Are you okay? Sure.
It's the most action I've had in two and a half years.
But things should pick up when my arranged marriage comes through.
Great.
Thesis, glad I caught you.
We're going up to the ranch today.
Wh Today? I thought the negotiations were tomorrow.
Yeah.
Well, I thought that my son had married a woman too.
Cold wake-up call for both of us, huh? Turns out the French have some frog festival they have to get back for.
But I think it's the 50th anniversary of them grabbing their ankles for the krauts.
- Right.
Got it.
- I need you on your game, Tonto.
- Are you ready with the background info? - Yes, sir.
I've got the specs on the A380s, the profit margins, sales histories to Lufthansa, Air Canada, Egypt Air Whoa! Don't shoot your wad now, sonny.
- I need you primed and ready when we cross the Maginot Line.
- Yes, sir.
A-And just out of curiosity, why are we going to the ranch? The ranch is a closer.
I have never not closed a deal on that ranch.
Including one with a certain Lady Bird Johnson.
Or as I like to call her, "Dirty Bird Johnson.
" - Wow.
- Right.
Go home, get changed.
We're wearing ranch attire.
And don't be late.
No, no.
Yes.
Got it.
Thank you.
Hey.
Congrats on the invite.
That's big.
- It's exciting.
- It took me five years to get invited to that ranch and three weeks for my ass to recover.
- From all the riding? - Riding? What? Whoo! Sammy! I'm gonna live forever.
! Whoo.
! - [Door Closes.]
- Bro, what are you doing home? It's still light out.
- Wait, is it tomorrow? - They moved the meeting up a day.
- Lizzy, do you know what ranch attire is? - Horse or cattle? - Horse.
- Western or English? - Western.
- Regular or sidesaddle? - Regular.
- Ranch or thousand island? - Lizzy! - [Sighs.]
Come on.
Here's some old Halloween stuff.
Let's see.
Slutty nurse.
Slutty maid.
Slutty devil.
Slutty slut.
Oh, look at this! Here.
Try this on.
This is from when I was a slutty scarecrow.
Oh, I remember that.
That party at Sheffield's.
Piper was Dorothy, I was the Lion and Sully ruined it by going as Edward James Olmos.
I actually thought Piper and I were gonna kiss that night.
I was gonna say you haven't talked about Piper in a while - but I didn't want to jinx it.
- There's nothing to jinx.
She has a boyfriend who she's totally into I'm over it.
- You're totally over it? - Totally.
Though she does look pretty sexy going down a zip line.
But I think that just has to do with seeing breasts at high speed.
All right.
How do I look? Really, really, really gay.
[Sully.]
Guys, come out here right now.
Guys.
! Guys.
! Look, he is skating, guys.
He is skating! - [Door Opens.]
- Whoo! I was scared of the zip line at first, but now - What's with k.
d.
Lang? - I'm changing.
- You gonna be ready for our party tonight? - We're having a party? - Yep.
Zip line-wet-T-shirt-shooting-gallery party, dude.
- [Sam.]
What? Yeah, we fill Super Soakers with beer and spray people as they zip down.
- It's gonna be sick.
- Great.
I'll be there tonight.
- Oh, that's too late.
It starts at 4:00.
- 4:00? Who has a party at 4:00? The unemployed, Sam.
Okay? Let's try to be a little more sensitive.
- This is so good.
- Oh, that looks great.
Can I have some? Oh.
I ordered you one.
He's got it waiting for you.
- Zip down.
- I can't go out in this.
I look like I'm dressed for a night at "The Manhole.
" I already paid.
He's about to move down the block.
- It'll take you six seconds.
- Come on.
Let's go.
- The thing is greasy.
- Let's do this.
I need a napkin.
This thing's greasy.
There's no time.
He's moving down the street.
You gotta go.
- [Screams.]
- Go, go, go! No, Sammy.
That's [Screaming.]
Agh! Whoo! - [Groans.]
- Oh, Sammy.
You took that shawarma right in the playmaker.
You okay, man? - [Shouting.]
What's my name? - Lizzy, shh.
- Great.
You gave it to him.
- A hospital.
[Slurps.]
[Piper.]
Oh, poor Sammy.
I'm so sorry I gave you a greasy bar, Sam.
What are we talking about here, huh? He didn't do anything wrong.
The kid asked me for napkins and I sent him out the window.
Now I got to live with that.
- So how we doing in here? - How do you think he's doin'? He took it full speed in the crunch berries.
[Scoffs.]
This guy.
Your test came out fine.
The burns on your hands should clear up in a couple weeks but you want to avoid using them as much as possible.
- Okay, great.
So then I can go? - No.
Not yet.
You suffered a very serious injury to your groin, Sam.
We want to make sure you didn't suffer any vascular trauma.
Eh, vascular means having to do with veins.
I'm taking some science classes to go to med school next year.
I'm practically a doctor.
Okay.
I need to know that you can achieve tumescence before I can release you.
Tumescence means swollen or engorged Oh, my God.
[Sam.]
Wait, wait, wait.
You mean I need to engorge my area? You need to achieve an erection, yes.
If you can achieve full arousal, then I can rule out any clotting or hematoma in your testes or scrotum.
- [Chuckles.]
- Either of which could lead to an aneurysm or stroke.
- Scrotum.
- Hematoma.
Right.
But my hands I can't, you know - I'm sure your girlfriend can help you out.
- She's not my girlfriend.
- Sorry, your girlfriend.
- Also not my girlfriend.
- Sorry.
Your wife.
- Dude, he's my brother.
Then you're gonna have to spend the night.
Tumescence generally occurs naturally after a good night's sleep.
No, no.
There's got to be something else I can do.
I have a really important meeting that starts in a half hour.
Sorry.
Unless one of your friends can help you out you can't leave this hospital.
Wh - What did he just say? - Dude, one of us has to pound your porcupine.
This is one of those moments in life we're never gonna forget.
One that's either gonna draw us closer together or drive us apart forever.
Everybody else thinking about his wiener right now? - Yeah, me too.
- That's funny, Sully.
Thanks for that.
I'm taking urology.
You mind if I take a lookie loo? - Uh, Piper, no! - [Cell Phone Ringing.]
Oh, let me help you.
- Hello? - Sam, it's Meryl.
Where are you? Uh, I'm on my way to Russ's right now.
- [Simulates Traffic Passing.]
- Russ fired the last person who was late to the ranch.
- Yeah, I'm almost there.
I think I see it.
- [Imitates Ambulance Siren.]
- Thanks, Meryl.
Bye.
- All right, but tell your brother that was a British ambulance.
- [Mimics Meow.]
- Don't be late, Sam.
I won't.
Thanks, Meryl.
- Someone's gotta do this for me.
- I'll do it.
- No.
P-Piper, no.
No.
- Why not? It's a medical procedure.
- I can do it.
- L-I don't know.
I just I don't feel right about it.
- Let her do it.
- [Whispering.]
No.
I'll do it, bro.
We got the same meat stick.
- I know how to rock it.
- God, Sully.
No.
- I can do it, Sam.
It's not a big deal.
- It is a big deal.
- And I want Lizzy to do it.
- [Piper.]
Why? It should be me.
It would give me a chance to get hands-on medical experience.
Piper, no.
I'm sorry, but no.
All right.
Fine.
Guess it's all you, Lizzy.
All right.
You want riverboat style or regular? [Man Singing.]
- Okay, I'm ready.
- Finally.
Now let's see that weasel.
Wait, just one second.
Sam, you got to be at your meeting in 15 minutes.
- You want to get fired or not? - No, no.
It's just this is awkward.
Your my friend and you're about to touch my stuff.
Then why didn't you just let Piper do it? She's your crush.
I know.
I know.
I just I don't want her handling my junk for medical procedure.
I want her handling my junk because she likes me.
All right.
Enough with the dirty talk, I'm turned on.
Now whip it out.
Wait, wait.
One more second.
One more second.
Let me Why? I'm just trying to help you out here, Sam.
Now free the beast! Okay, okay.
It's just we're in a hospital and-and-and I'm in pain and these lights are really not doin' it for me.
- [Sighs.]
Oh, God.
- Do you want to see if they have some wine or anything? - No.
- Want to get rough? - You want to slap me or something? - No.
I'm kinda doin' all the work here, Sam.
- You gotta meet me halfway.
- Okay.
Let me just Let me relax.
- You want me to talk dirty to you? - No.
All right.
Let's go! [Lizzy.]
Okay, he's good.
[Woman Singing.]
- God, I feel like such an idiot.
- Yep.
Thanks for driving.
I appreciate it.
Well, I'm just glad I could use my hands for something.
- What? - I'm basically a doctor, Sam.
I was the logical choice, and I thought I was your best friend.
- You are my best friend.
- Then why did you demand Lizzy? - I didn't demand Lizzy.
- Please, you practically put it in her hand.
You think Lizzy's hotter than me.
I get it.
- That's not it at all.
- I've been with my boyfriend for such a long time I don't even know how people see me anymore.
But thank you for cluing me in.
I'm a dog who you can't even throw a bone.
[Woman Singing.]
- [Screams.]
- We're here.
You know, it's fine.
I'm okay with it.
I'm plain.
That's That's who I am.
No, you're not plain.
You're better than plain.
Oh, I'm better than plain.
Gee, you know, thanks, Sam.
Where were you at yearbook time? No Eh Agh Ow.
Ow.
Ow! Ow! You really want to know why I didn't want you to do it? Yes.
- Ever since the first time I met you in college, I had a big - [Meryl.]
Sam.
Come on.
Everybody's waiting for you.
The French are getting antsy.
- It'll be just one second.
- No.
You're already late.
Russ needs the Airbus background info.
Come on, brokeback mountain.
- L I gotta go.
- You're what? You had a what? Just tell me.
- Sam.
- Look.
I'll tell you later.
I'm sorry.
See you at home.
[Wincing.]
Uh, if I'm not in my room, I'll be chained to a spike in the backyard.
Hey, pretty baby.
How 'bout I buy you a drink you, uh, sit on Dimitri's lap? Thank you, sir.
I really needed that today.
[Winces.]
Okay, Sam.
We get it.
You're a cowboy.
Thesis, what the hell are you wearing? - Uh, ranch attire? - You look like my dog walker.
All you need is a Subaru full of German Shepherds.
- And what is that on your hands? - Oh, um, this? I, uh I just came from the boxing gym.
I like to hit the heavy bags before a big negotiation.
- You know what I mean? Get the blood going.
- Take 'em off.
- Got it.
- I want you to meet a couple of terrific executives.
We fought together in W.
W.
Deuce.
Now we're fighting together again for profits.
Jacques L'Oiseau and Pierre Gentin.
Nice to meet you, Mr.
L'Oiseau! Mr.
Gentin, how's it goin'? Aw, Yeah! It's good.
It's good.
And the rest of the Airbus team.
You gotta shake 'em all.
- It's their custom.
- [Bird Screeching.]
- [Whimpers.]
- Enchanté.
- [Whimpers.]
- Enchanté.
- Enchanté.
- Lock it down, Thesis.
I know they stink to high heaven, but keep it to yourself, okay? - Bonjour.
- [Whimpers.]
- [Whimpers.]
- Good.
You've all met.
Now let's get down to business.
Saddle up.
- Saddle what? - [Horse Whinnies.]
- Shake knockers.
- [Horse Whinnies.]
[TV, Indistinct.]
I am so hungry.
Aren't you hungry, Lizzy? - I don't know.
I guess I could eat.
- I fly, you buy? - Half-chicken plate and an ice tea.
- Back in 18 seconds.
Hah! Oh, I'm slipping! - [Crash.]
- Oh, my God! Sully! Hot nut cutters! Whoo! - Are you okay? - I don't think so! - What hurts? - Aw, my man cakes.
I smashed them right in the cart just like Sammy did earlier.
I am not gonna front.
I am hurting here! Oh, my God.
Should I take you to the hospital? We know what they're gonna say.
They're gonna say hematoma and scrotum and tumescence.
Ah.
There's only one way to find out if I'm really okay.
[Man Singing.]
[Man Singing.]
Okay, okay.
Riverboat style or regular? Riverboat, please.
Oh, wait, wait, wait.
Should we do it here or back at the house? I know.
On the sun porch.
- Yea, the sun porch.
- Hey, wait a minute.
Your hands aren't burnt.
- Why can't you do it yourself? - I don't know.
I'm not a doctor.
You pervo.
These hands are for boyfriends and medical emergencies only.
Agh! I will do it.
[Winces.]
[Wincing.]
[Russ.]
Whoa.
Whoa.
Move your mule, cowgirl.
On this spot where we stand 1,000 Winnetka Indians were slaughtered by the white man in July of 1851.
- [Bird Screeching.]
- We had my daughter's wedding here lastJune.
We had a harp.
It was beautiful.
We love your A380s, gentlemen.
It's a gorgeous machine.
We would take pleasure to sell them to such a fine airline as yours.
Well, let's do this son of a bitch! We're prepared to offer five percent below the European rate.
Three percent is as low as we can go.
It is already far below what we charged Delta.
That's true, but the Delta deal included 12 A320s which reduced prices across the board.
The A380s taken by themselves would have been at four percent below.
You didn't count on my secret weapon, did you, Jacques? First you send us Lance Armstrong, and now him? [Laughter.]
- [Whinnies.]
- [Screams.]
[Whimpers.]
Five percent is all we can do.
[Speaks French.]
- It is not possible.
- [Screams.]
Well, then, I'm afraid we'll have to take our business over to Boeing.
I'm sorry it has to come to this.
Au revoir.
- [Shrieking.]
- [Whinnies.]
[Whimpering.]
[Sniffles.]
- Thesis? - Are you crying? No.
Yes, he is.
He's crying like my wife during Le Bébé du Million Dollar.
I'm sorry.
Million Dollar Baby.
What is wrong with your man-child? - Sam? - Um This deal It's just too right to not happen.
Look, l-I know emotion has no place in business but come on, what the hell happened to us? Can't we just put our differences aside and get to yes? The boy is right.
France and America We used to be pals.
Look at us now.
Squabbling like a bunch of drunken Belgians at a Ukranian gay pride parade.
Oh, look at this little pet store hamster.
He's speaking from the heart.
- [Whimpers.]
- We can't let him down.
We can't let ourselves down.
And we can't let our country down.
- Those are real tears.
- I'm sorry.
No.
There's nothing to be sorry about.
This is passion.
Like I have never seen from an American.
Like I have not seen in years.
- Four percent below.
- 4.
5.
4.
3 and throw in the boy.
4.
4 We keep the boy.
- Done! - Done.
[Laughs.]
[Whimpers.]
You can drop the act, Borgnine.
We got the deal.
[Groans.]
Hey, Sam.
How's it goin'? - Hi, Lizzy.
- How are your Tater Tots? Uh, that.
Yeah.
Everything seems to be Yeah, I had a pretty tough afternoon.
Oh, no.
I hope it wasn't my fault.
- When I got in there, I tried to - Lizzy, I know you're super comfortable with your body, and I appreciate that.
But I'd feel much better if we just kept this as an awkward thing between the both of us - for the rest of our lives.
- Oh, yeah.
I totally get it.
I just wanted you to know the reason I kissed you afterwards.
- Lizzy! - Fine.
But I don't know why you just didn't let Piper do it.
Because Sam thinks I'm a Belgian crackerhound.
Piper, that is not why I didn't want you to do it.
- Then why? - Okay, okay, okay.
Here it is Just like I was saying at the [Screams.]
Just like I was saying at the ranch Ever since college, I've been kind of scared to tell you something.
Because if you're not really into it, it might ruin our friendship Piper.
! Your boyfriendjust called.
Oh, that is so great.
I really want to talk to him.
I miss him so much.
Yeah, sorry I couldn't put him through.
I was really busy learning that douchey Coldplay song on the ring tones.
[Mimics Tones.]
Turns out it's just fives and sixes over and over again.
- Sam, tell me.
- No, no.
Uh It can wait.
M-Make your phone call.
- Tell me.
- It's fine.
Go, go, go, go.
Sam, seriously.
Right now.
I really like Lizzy.
- [Whispering.]
Yeah.
- Oh, my God! - That's so cute.
- That I know.
L It is cute.
That-That's why I wanted her to do it, because I really like her.
- I like her.
[Chuckles.]
- Do you want me to talk to her? No, no, no, no, no, no.
J No.
We already talked.
She's not into it.
What are you gonna do? There's plenty of fish in the sea, right? - No man's an island.
Don't you gotta call Marco? - Yeah.
Yes.
So this had nothing to do with me? Nothing at all.
Nothing at all.
- I just really like Lizzy.
- Oh.
This is such a relief.
- Yeah.
- [Sighs.]
Hey, and for the record, I think Lizzy's a fool not to go for you.
I think so.
Hi there.
- Don't start, Lizzy.
- Ah-ah-ah.
You started, lover.
I'm just here to finish.
- Lizzy! - All right.
All right.
God! I'm just trying to have a little fun.
It's not every day somebody fake-likes me.
[Sighs.]
I didn't know what else to say to her.
So you do still like Piper, huh? This thing's been going on for four years.
It's a little hard to turn off overnight.
You'll find someone.
You have a lot to give.
A lot.
I know.
I've seen it.
Thank you.
I got to go to the bathroom.
I'm on it, bro.
I got to go too.
I've never really run two hoses before.
- This is gonna be awesome.
Come on! - Absolutely not.
- All right.
Let's go.
- [Wincing.]
- All right.
What do you want? - [Rock.]
- Falafel salad.
- Gyro.
- Don't do this.
- Sammy, don't worry.
We've been training.
He loves this.
All right, Beckman.
Just like we practiced.
Be good, boy.
Deep breath.
Attaboy.
Go, Beckman.
Come on, buddy.
- [Man Singing.]
- [Shouting.]
Attaboy.
- Beckman.
- [Chuckles.]
- [ChangeJingling.]
- Thank you.
[Man Singing.]