The Lovers (2023) s01e04 Episode Script

1
CMAT: Mayday ♪
What time were you born?
I'm bored again
And thinking of you
And wishing you were home
Hello?
Wish I could see the stars
We'd look upon
the same ones, baby
The city makes it hard
Although
I saw that Portugal's on fire
Woo-oh
But all that I M-I-S-S is you
There's nothing
that I can do- ♪
Are
you ready to order food?
Er, no, no, no, thanks.
I'm, erm, waiting
on my cousin.
Hmm. Just a glass
of red wine, please.
Alright.
What?
OK
Here you go-Oh! Sorry! Thank you.
/ Sorry! / Thank you.
Hmm?
No public shows of affection.
Erm Oh.
So, why do you want
to eat my pudding?
What?
Oh, no. Pussy! I want
to eat your pussy!
Today's special is,
erm, chicken. Thanks.
Thanks.
Bloody auto-correct!
See, he dropped us off
in the middle of nowhere,
we had to fucking
get out and walk.
Shall we get more wine?
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no!
I-I can't be hungover tomorrow.
I've got this interview with
the Shadow Home Secreta-
Oh, fuck it, go on then.
It's only lunchtime.
Did you catch my interview
with Nisha Anand?
No, not yet. Really
good engagement
across all the platforms.
/ Hmmm. Social media was/
But I only want to
talk about you today.
Do you, aye? I hardly
know anything about you.
I know that you work
in a supermarket
and that you murdered
your ex-husband
I sometimes I wish I had. Why?
Oh, let's not talk about that.
You're so infuriating! What?
You complain that I never ask
you anything about yourself
and then when I do,
you evade the question!
Why are you so secretive?
What are you hiding?
Nothing!
/ Grr, tell me something about yourself! Anything!
I don't know what to tell you!
What's your favourite movie?
Texas Chainsaw Massacre.
Really? Yeah, I love horror.
Ooh. I don't think
I like horror.
My whole life's
been a horror film.
I feel like my life's been
a sort of tasteful noughties
US indie flick with a
soundtrack by Fleet Foxes.
I don't know who they are. They're
this folk band from Seattle.
They do baroque-chamber,
harmony-I didn't ask, Seamus.
Sorry.
No, it's just my life's so
boring compared to yours.
Oh, I don't believe that.
You hang out with movie
stars and world leaders.
Well, someone famous must
have come into your shop?
D'you know David Beckham? David
Beckham's been in your shop?
No, but a fella who looks
a wee bit like him did.
He did!
He was just like David Beckham but
he had psoriasis and an overbite.
Oh, and I once sold
Ian Paisley a Twix.
It's true.
Seriously. Wait, wait
I DEMAND A
TWIX! BRING ME A TWIX NOW!
Shut up! You can't do that here!
I'm gonna do the other side now.
I'm from the IRA
and I've planted a bomb
in this here restaurant.
Sorry. Sorry, everyone. I'm
not actually from the IRA.
I'm-I'm from North
London.
Can I get the bill, please?
Ian Paisley was a dangerous
right wing religious fanatic.
Yeah, OK, but he did speak out for
this community when it felt like
the whole world was ignoring
us. No, no, no, no, no, no!
I'm not having sex with you if
you start defending Ian Paisley.
You're just jealous because
Paisley is more famous than you.
OK, look I know it's some big
joke to you that I'm "not famous"
but surely, by now,
you've googled me
and you are aware-Googled you?!
I think you'll find that, er,
I've got better things to do
with my time than google
you! Unlike you, I'm not
OBSESSED with Seamus O'Hannigan.
And anyway, who says
we're gonna have sex?
Oh well, that's
that's what we agreed last week.
I no longer accept the
validity of that agreement.
Wait! Wait, wait, wait. OK,
I'm just gonna pop in here.
Won't be a minute and then
we are going to do this!
Don't move, don't go
anywhere.
Now there's a customer and you've
fucking embarrassed us, well done!
You embarrass yourself by
existing, you fucking ignoramus.
Right, what can I get
ya, Robert Redford?
Er, I'm after some
condoms, please.
You getting your
hole tonight, aye?
Mm? You, er
doin' a lot of aul' ridin'?
Oh, I'm gonna pay by card
if?
Are you in, er, luv?
Oh, no. We're just friends.
No, no. I mean L-U-V.
What's going on?
Sorry, I'm just trying
to buy some condoms.
Don't have any. Yeah,
you do. I can see them.
He's a friend of Janet's.
On the house.
Thanks.
Yo, Blondie.
Don't fuck her about.
Right?
That was really fucking weird.
Do Do you know those people?
Oh, Maggie and Charlie, yeah.
Why, what'd they say to you?
Something about
"getting my hole"?
Ah, that's just the Belfast way
of saying "have a nice day".
And about being in
love? Being in love?
Yeah except he spelt it "L-U-V".
What's that about? Er
Dunno. Charlie's an oddball.
Maggie's nice like. She
wasn't very nice to me.
Yeah well, she doesn't
really like men.
Or English people.
Or anyone really.
Well, she made me
feel uncomfortable.
She's dead on once you
get to know her, you know.
She goes to my church.
Your church? Yeah.
You go to church?
Yeah. You're not a
Christian, are you?
Yes. Fuck off!
I am a Christian! You're like the
least Christian person I know!
I am a fucking Christian! See!
Yeah, well, I-I try not to swear,
but it's hard when I'm arguing
with stupid atheist
dickheads like you.
Well, yeah, I mean, y-you're very
intelligent so I-I assumed
Here we go. Cause I work in a supermarket
I'm stupid and I don't understand science?
No, no, no! That's not what I'm
saying. I'm saying the opposite-
Because I don't have a 2:2 from Oxford, like
you, I don't know what I'm talking about?
How do you know I've
got a 2:2 from Oxford?
Because I
fucking googled you!
So, I did.
No, look
I'm saying the opposite,
I'm saying, if you listen,
I'm saying you're intelligent
so you've obviously
thought about this
and well
I wanna know, w-why would you
believe in something without proof?
Huh. I do have
proof. What proof?
I've spoken to him.
Sorry, you've talked
to God? Mm-hmm.
And he's spoken to me. Wow.
Wow? That sounds
crazy. No, no, it's
It's It's interesting.
I'm I'm I'm interested.
Well, what does
he think about us?
Us?
Yeah, I mean, The bible says:
"Thou shalt not commit adultery."
Well, it's not adultery,
you're not married.
Well, we're as good as married.
We've been together six years.
We talk about it a lot.
We'll do it one day, it's
just a matter of time.
And-And
OK, well what about your,
erm, attempted suicide?
What about it? Well,
see if you-if you
really believed in God, then
you wouldn't have
tried to do it.
D'you know, before I
tried to kill myself.
I asked God to show me a
sign. And you appeared.
Do you think that's
a coincidence?
Yeah.
Really? Yeah.
We're standing
outside my church.
That's your church? Yeah.
Do you think that's
a coincidence?
Yeah.
See, I-I mean, coincidences
are just coincidences, right?
I mean, I don't think
there's any any, erm
overarching design
behind it all.
But then your life has no meaning?
No. No, no, no, no, see
cause I think we give
our lives meaning with
with art and-and literature
and philosophy and-and-and
conversations and empathy for
one another and-and-and
I don't know love?
What? What-What is it?
I just, I've never had sex
with an atheist before.
I prefer the term humanist. Well,
what do you say when you cum?
Sorry?
/ Well, you can't be like: "Oh my God". So
Is it Is it more like
"Ah, ah, ah, ah
Ahhh, there's no overarching
design to it all, ahh.
Ah."
Depends how good the sex is.
We'll soon find out.
C'mon!
Get 'er bucked! Huh?
Well, are you coming or not?
ONE REPUBLIC: Love Runs Out ♪
I'll be your light, your match
Your burning sun
I'll be the bright in black
That's making you run
And we'll feel alright ♪
Erm
What? Sorry. I, erm
forgot you had a gun. Yeah.
I got a fright.
Why do you have a gun?
This is Belfast.
I'll be your ghost
Your game, your stadium
I'll be your 50,000 ♪
Are you worried about it?
Er, a bit-bit-bit worried but
more excited than anything else.
I got my mind made up
Man, I can't let go ♪
Oh, my God, these fucking
buttons are driving me crazy!
Yeah, yeah! Doing my head in.
Generally, a very
confusing garment.
How do you even get
this over your head?
Here, I'll Yeah, OK, yeah.
Yeah. Thanks. I can
do that. It's me.
Captain practical.
Well done.
OK. Wait, before you turn around.
I think I can help with the
- Ta-dah! Oh! How's that?
/ - Yeah. - Great. / OK.
OK
Erm am I the only
one taking clothes off?
Oh, fuck! Sorry!
How selfish of me!
Sorry.
Be gone, damn you.
Sorry.
Oh, shit. Oh, my God.
/ Hurry up.
Sorry, I'm getting a I'll do it.
/ Sorry.
Oh!
Sorry, I didn't mean to
do that.
Fuck it, it's just a shirt.
Ah Ahhh!
Life is random and meaningless!
How many times is that
we've done it now?
Five.
Fucking hell.
I'm
knackered.
I can't believe the
time.
How many cigarettes
have you had?
Five. I've never
actually smoked before.
Oh, well you should.
It looks good on you.
I have to say,
I do feel very cool right now.
What?
Oh, my God! I think
I'm going to be sick!
I feel dizzy!
I'm gonna pass out!
No, I'm OK, actually.
/ It's fine.
Oh shit, it's Frankie.
I'd better, erm
Y-Yeah.
Do you still like
my nose? It's OK.
What else do you like about me?
That's all. Come on.
Tell me what else you like.
I only like your nose.
Oh?
What do you think of
my penis? Oh, God!
No, I'm serious. You're
a fucking nightmare!
See, I can never decide,
I can't work out
Do you think it's
too big?
Do you think I should
get it reduced?
It's just a bit-Shut up!
No, I
I think it's very nice.
I love your
eyelids. My eyelids?
Yeah. I love how heavy they are.
They're only heavy cause
I'm so fucking tired.
Don't go to sleep. We have
to make the most of our time.
What time is it? Oh, no, don't
tell me. I don't want to know.
Oh. What? What is it?
It's nearly four. Oh,
Jesus-fucking-Christ!
We have to go to
sleep, right now.
Oh, my God.
I'm not a psycho, you know.
Oh? What?
Erm
I was just drifting
off to sleep. Sorry.
What did you say?
I just want you to
know I'm not a psycho.
Like, this isn't gonna
end like Fatal Attraction.
W-Why would I think that?
OK. You know earlier when
I said I heard God's voice,
I just want you to know that
I don't generally hear voices.
It's just God's voice I hear.
That's all.
I don't think that's crazy.
I, erm
I mean
Well, we all hear
voices, don't we.
When I hear a voice, I
don't think of it as God.
I just
I just think it's, erm
my conscience.
What kinds of things
does God say to you?
Are you making fun of
me? No. No, I wanna know.
Well
When I first started
talking to God
it was cause I felt lonely.
And I says to Him: "Dear God, where
am I gonna put all this loneliness?"
And He says: "Why don't
you find a boyfriend".
And I says: "God, I don't want
a boyfriend, I just want sex."
And He was like: "Well, I'm not
stopping you." That was nice of him.
Don't interrupt me. OK.
And then I said: "But I'm ugly-"
What? You're not ugly-Would
you let me tell the story?
OK. Sorry. Thank you.
And God said: "What?!
You're not ugly.
I created you in my image,
Janet, you're beautiful.
Like me".
And I said: "Well you think
very-fucking-highly of yourself
don't you, God?"
And then He said: "Janet,
stop arguing with me
and get out of the house."
So, I had a few one night stands.
Well, a lot of one night stands.
So, I've been with loads of
fellas. Is that an issue, problem?
No.
Totally fine.
Thing is, I just get irritated
with every man I slept with. And
I'd get really angry with every
interaction I had with everybody.
Including God. So,
I stopped going out.
And stopped
going to church. And I
stopped talking to God.
And then the loneliness
came back again.
And then every time I prayed
there was just silence.
And the silence went on for
so long, the only way
I could think to
end it was with a gun to my head.
And then you showed up.
And you started
believing in God again?
Yeah.
See
that sort of, erm
That makes me kind of
like an angel, doesn't it?
Hmm, no. No.
I think I think
I'd make a good angel.
I'd look sexy with the wings.
And a little gossamer loincloth.
It's time to sleep. Yeah.
Thank you.
For what?
Tonight.
It's been brilliant.
Why, God? Why this guy?
He's a dick. He's unavailable.
He's English.
He makes terrible jokes.
Why him?
Janet?
Oh, fuck! Oh, fuck!
Fuck!
Hi.
Good to
see you back, love.
Ah! Fuck! Ah! Shit!
Fuck, fuck, fuck!
Fuck, fuck, fuck,
fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!
Ow!
Fuck, fuck!
Are you washed in the blood?
In the soul cleansing
Blood of the Lamb?
Are your garments spotless?
Are they white as snow?
Are you washed in
the Blood of the Lamb?
Are you walking daily
By the Savior's ♪
Sorry about this.
I've hurt my foot.
Where are your shoes? I
didn't know where you were
so I went out looking for you
and then the door shut behind me.
Do you have the keys?
I've got to get to work.
Hi.
Get out of here, now.
Please sit. Oh!
All this week, the Girls
Brigade have been organising
a sponsored bible reading.
They are going to read
the entire bible
Why didn't you wake me
up? Why would I do that?
I don't know, we
had a lovely night-
God, you're so needy.
I'm not being
needy. It's just
basic manners, isn't
it, to say goodbye.
Why are you being like
this? Are you cross with me?
"Are you-Are you cross with
me? Are you jolly well cross?"
No, I'm not cross
with you. I'm ragin'!
Right. So why are you
"Ragin'" then?
You broke the
rules. What rules?
The rules of the affair!
I didn't. / Yeah, you did.
What rule did I break?
We can't fall in love!
Right. Well we
haven't done that, have we?
Have we? No!
Liar. I'm not lying.
I haven't fallen
in love with you.
You haven't? No!
Definitely not-
Shhh!
This poor man called
for the eyes of The Lord
are on the righteous.
Have you fallen in
love with me? No way!
Good! OK then!
But the face of
The Lord is against
those who do evil!
I think the priest's looking at us.
He's not a priest, he's a pastor.
Do you think I could get
a plaster from the pastor?
D'you see what I mean?
The righteous person
may have many troubles
but the Lord delivers
him from them.
He protects all his bones;
Not one of them will be broken.
Maybe a bit.
What? A bit.
A bit what?
I've maybe fallen a
bit in love with you.
Actually, quite a lot.
Actually, truth be
told, a huge amount.
Actually.
Same. What?
I said same. You've
fallen in love with me?
I don't know what
you're so happy about.
Shhh!
What's so funny?
I have to break up
with my girlfriend.
THE MEDITATION SINGERS:
Trouble's Brewin' ♪
Trouble's brewin'
I can't fight no fear
Lord, I need my mother's hand
To guide me
Trouble's brewin'
Look like it's the end
Lord, send your
Holy Ghost power in
One more time!
Trouble's Brewin' ♪
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