The McCarthys (2014) s01e04 Episode Script

RONNY: This is my hometown.
My family members are scattered all over Boston.
My parents live here.
My sister lives here.
My brothers live here and here.
And I live way over here.
But we always seem to end up over here.
Hey, Mom, how are you? I don't want to talk about it.
If you must know, I am not pleased with Joanne.
Is Joanne your coat? No.
Joanne is a monster who I play bridge with.
With whom you play bridge.
Can I just say-- great preposition work.
Thanks, Ronny.
Yeah, I been subbing English, lately.
Trying to walk the walk.
It was a bridge game like any other.
And then it happened.
Marjorie, I got you a copy of Goodnight Moon.
- Oh, why? - Because you're gonna be a grandmother.
I thought you'd enjoy reading it to Jackie's baby.
She gave you a book? Oh.
I would say let's go give her a book, but we're better than that.
"You're gonna be a grandmother.
" Message received, Joanne.
Goodnight Moon.
Good night, youth.
Good night, flexibility.
Good night, bone density.
Talk about nostalgia.
I'm getting sleepy just hearing it.
I'm not supposed to be a grandmother yet.
That's supposed to happen after your kids are married.
No offense, but I don't hear wedding bells for this crew anytime soon.
See, being a grandmother was not even on my horizon.
Now, out of nowhere, Jackie gets pregnant.
I'm not ready.
You better get ready, Marjorie.
Pretty soon there'll be a baby calling you "Grandma.
" And I will correct that baby and say, "Baby, you may refer to me as Mrs.
McCarthy.
" I want to be Pop-pop.
If you call yourself Pop-pop, I will put you in a home.
Wouldn't be so bad.
I like eating early.
Hey.
I was driving by and I saw the "For Rent" sign outside.
What's going on? The upstairs tenant got fired from his job, he's moving out.
He's gonna go back home and live with his parents.
- Rough.
- What a loser.
Pathetic.
Hey, can I move in? Are you serious? I am looking for a new place.
Okay, I'll handle the background check.
(clears throat) Do you plan to, or have you ever, given anyone a book? - No.
- She's good.
What's wrong with your apartment? The apartment's fine, but my roommate Felicia is a hoarder.
What does she hoard? Giant stacks of newspapers, pizza boxes, sadness Jackie, we'd love to have you move in, but the rent is twice what you're paying.
And we kind of rely on that money.
I might be able to swing it.
I got a weekend job to supplement the waitressing.
And over yonder is the house of Paul Revere.
It's also the spot where Johnny McGonagle dumped me.
I knew it was coming, too.
I sat on that bench thinking, "The breakup is coming, the breakup is coming.
" (laughs) And we're walking.
Well, that sounds informative.
I think so.
Someone on Yelp called it "wildly irrelevant.
" Jackie, it's great that you're working so hard with all those jobs, but we want you to save the money for your baby.
Besides, it would be hard to miss you if you were always here.
And we really love missing you.
Geez, Ma.
Needy much? Well, I got another tour at 3:00.
Don't forget, Ma-- you're coming with me to my birthing class this week.
- I will be there.
- Thanks, Grandma.
(muffled groan) She is so excited.
The McCarthys Original air date 20/11 What's with all the pills, Marjorie? You look like Betty Crockpot.
Does he mean Betty Crocker? Yeah.
But he really means Betty Ford, who was an alcoholic and not a pill-popper, so none of it makes any sense.
These are vitamins and supplements.
You could get one of those "days of the week" pill containers.
Those are for old people.
I do my drugs like the young-- randomly and by the handful.
I might even snort them.
Fish oil will be tough, but I'll try.
Sean, I don't want to see it.
It's a good play, just look at it.
It doesn't make it a good play just because you wrote "boo-yah" on it.
ARTHUR: Gerard a good coach is always open to ideas from his assistant.
Oh, like you listen to my ideas.
Ronny, I'm not gonna tell teenage boys to walk around fantasizing before a game.
Visualizing, not fantasizing.
Believe me, the nonsense Sean comes up with is even worse than Ronny's perverted fantasy thing.
Gerard, I'm not saying we should tell the guys to think about hot girls.
Sean! Sorry, Ronny, or hot boys.
I'm just saying.
I don't need you to have ideas, I need you to help me implement my ideas.
I need you to have my back.
I always have your back.
Whoa, guys, okay, calm down.
Good.
Now.
As a guidance counselor, I'm trained in conflict resolution, so - I quit.
- You're fired! Okay, so you both agreed not to work together.
Good start.
What is going on here? This arguing is killing my fish-oil buzz.
I just fired Sean.
No, I quit.
But there's a guidance counselor in the house, so it's all under control.
- Shut up, Ronny.
- Shut up, Ronny.
They said, in agreement.
Ma, are you okay? I'm more than okay.
I just took a three month supply of calcium.
Why? Because you were supposed to meet me at my birthing class.
And bring me clothes from this century.
Oh, my God, Jackie, I'm so sorry.
I forgot Oh, dear Lord, it's happening.
Ever since my former friend, Joanne gave me that book, I have been cursed with age.
Well, we can continue to focus on Joanne's plot to spread evil through baby gifts, or we can ask Jackie how her class was.
Joanne Wow, okay, how was your class, Jackie? It was a little weird being the only person there without a partner, but fortunately, I'm not wearing anything that draws attention to myself.
Surprised there were no other single moms.
It's nice that everybody has someone.
Well, I didn't have anyone.
So, they paired me with the security guard from the parking lot.
- And guess who's car got broken into.
- Yours? Nah, this really happy rich couple, it was great.
See, something good happened.
But then I learned there are even more things that pregnant women can't do than I was aware of.
Of which aware I was.
No alcohol, no tobacco, no cured meats, no soft cheeses, no sushi, no roller coasters, no saunas, no handling kitty litter That's the weirdest list I've ever read.
Arthur, remember all the rules I followed when I was pregnant? Ma, what did you do? Nothing that would cause your twin brother to be born twice your size.
Nature is a mystery, Gerard.
At least you had Dad.
Oh, Jackie, you're jealous of me having him? This is serious.
What can we do for you? And whatever you say, I hope I can hang onto it.
I don't know.
Two of the husbands in the class agreed to join their wives and not do anything on this list.
Wow, those guys are going nine months without touching kitty litter? Couple of heroes.
No, you know what? We should do that, too.
We should give up everything on that list as a show of support for Jackie.
You guys would actually do that? - Absolutely.
- You got it.
Sure.
Hold on.
I'm in.
Good-- from now on, everything that's off-limits to Jackie is off-limits to us.
Aw, this means so much to me.
Thanks, you guys.
I'm gonna cry.
No, I'm not.
(voice breaking): Oh, wait, there it is.
(door closes) Poor Jackie.
It's got to be tough.
The dad's, you know, not in the picture.
He's dead.
I know, I was trying not to say, "He's dead.
" Why? He is dead.
What's wrong with saying he's dead? And instead it gets said a thousand times.
What gets said a thousand times? He's dead.
Okay, I'm just saying that it'll feel good to support Jackie like this.
And it's not like it'll be hard to avoid those things.
No roller coasters, no big deal.
(laughs) Suddenly, all I want to do is ride a roller coaster.
Maybe I have a problem with authority.
Ooh, I'm so young and rebellious.
Roller coasters are fun.
You get to be out of control, in a very controlled way.
Anyway, the point is we promised Jackie no roller coasters.
And we're not the kind of family who breaks promises.
That was a blast.
I yelled swears.
Did the roller coaster go through a tunnel at one point? - Yeah.
- Oh, thank God.
I thought I blacked out.
Okay, I agree, it was a blast.
Everyone had fun.
Sean and Gerard even seem ready to patch things up.
Never.
He's dead to me.
Good, lines of communication are open.
But still-- and I'm not gonna judge us Heads up, guys-- Ronny's about to judge us.
but we did make a promise to Jackie.
Now, I get that it's nice to have a beer after a roller coaster Calms the nerves.
Restores equilibrium.
I like beer.
but we promised Jackie we weren't gonna drink.
Thanks a lot, Ronny.
Way to suck the fun out of it.
No, the fun-sucker's right.
We made a promise to Jackie, and we broke it.
But I know how we can undo it.
How does this undo the drinking? We're sweating out the beers.
I'm sweating out the guilt, the shame and four funnel cakes.
We're terrible people, and we have to stop doing things on Jackie's list, and, God, that steam feels good.
Ronny, if it makes you feel any better, this is the last thing we're gonna do on that list.
It's not like we were all gonna go out and eat sushi.
Yes, finally.
We're back on the right path.
Oh, what is wrong with us?! Get off your high horse.
Yeah, you're the one who told us how to get here.
You ordered all the sushi.
Because you were doing it wrong.
One spider roll for five people? That's insane! Oh, what's the green one? No, no.
That's a giant ball of wasabi.
Mmm! Got a little kick to it.
We're definitely getting more of those.
Dad, you've been pretty quiet-- you and the one fork they had in the restaurant.
I'll be honest.
I'm loving this sushi.
And I never like Chinese food.
You know what, Ronny? I should give your ideas a chance.
Monday's practice-- we'll try some visualizing.
He said it right.
He likes sushi, and he said it right.
Oh, look-- two coaches getting along.
Does that inspire anyone else? Dead to me.
Dead to me.
You took mine! "Dead to me" was my thing.
Oh, you heard me, then I must be alive to you.
Really? Then who were you just talking to? Damn it.
Come on! Look how cute you two look in this picture from the roller coaster.
Oh, man! Why did no one tell me my hair looked like that? We were on a roller coaster.
Oh, but somebody should've.
Why does Gerard's safety bar look so weird? That's Sean's arm.
Aw, you were protecting him.
He's a hint of a man.
He could fly right out of that thing.
Let me see that.
You were protecting me.
You really do have my back.
Okay, this is excellent.
Let's just sit and soak in these feelings for a bit - You're re-hired.
- I un-quit.
We did it, men.
Are you gals done discussing your feelings? 'Cause there's a party going on over here.
What is that? They're doing sake squirters.
Would anyone like to try one? Oh, no.
You see, we're Squirt me.
saying "squirt me.
" Oh, and we'll take some more of these wasabis.
This is the site of the Boston Massacre.
About which historian Joseph Warren once famously said Oh, hell no! (all cheering) That is a youthful way to drink! Oh! Colonial Jackie! One more, Marjorie? Come on, Tanaka, read the room.
Wow.
Drinking and sushi behind my back.
Thank you.
This feels great.
I'm so sorry, Jackie.
Believe me, we didn't plan on getting sushi.
Yeah, we just thought of it in the sauna.
You were in a sauna? Are you kidding me? And what is this? Roller coaster.
Sorry.
You did all the things you promised me you wouldn't do in one afternoon? Jackie, as God is my witness, we never once handled kitty litter.
And here is the site of the massacre of Jackie's feelings.
And we're walking.
(crying): And we're crying.
We're all here at Mom and Dad's, feeling really bad.
I'm trying Jackie.
We'd love to hear from you.
Oh.
Another call.
Maybe it's you.
Hello? Oh, hey.
Is Jackie there? It's her brother.
She's got a guy over.
Sean, it's me.
Ronny.
Good news.
Ronny's with her.
RONNY: No you called Mom and Dad's house.
Oh! I got it listed in my phone as "Jackie's Parents.
" Well, we've got our two best men on it.
This isn't good.
On Facebook, she changed her occupation to "pregnant orphan.
" I feel terrible.
Anyone care for some soft cheeses and cured meats? Seriously, Mom? Jackie's list has become your shopping list? Come on, Sean, you'll eat anything.
You used to eat couch stuffing.
Sorry, Ma, I feel too guilty.
Plus, my throat's been bleeding since I ate all those green balls.
Come on, Ronny.
Mom, you've got to stop.
You're such an old lady, Ronny.
Be a rebel.
Eat prosciutto! Marjorie, what the hell's wrong with you? (Marjorie sighs, groans) I'm not ready to be a grandma! But you're gonna be a grandma.
No, you're gonna be a grandma! And you're gonna be a grandma! You're gonna be a grandma! Ma, you're not making any sense.
You're not making any sense! ARTHUR: Hey! You're scaring the children.
Mom, what's this really about? I don't know.
It might be the 200 illegal vitamins coursing through my system.
Or it might be that when I think of grandmas, I think of my Grandma Irene.
Who they would stick in a corner at all the family parties and pay the children a dollar to go say hi to her, and we wouldn't do it because she was an old person.
It was just easier, actually, just to take money out of her purse.
We used to rob her blind.
Well, she was already blind, so that's why it was so easy to rob her.
Marjorie, make your point.
When she was dying, they offered us five dollars to say good-bye to her, and five dollars, in those days, was good money.
So we made that deal.
I went to that bed of death.
"Deathbed" wasn't dramatic enough? And Grandma Irene said, "Did they pay you to talk to me?" And I said no which was true, because they wouldn't pay you till after you talked to her.
They learned that the hard way one Easter.
This is spellbinding.
And the last thing that Grandma Irene ever said to me was, "Oh, little Margie I wish I'd been hit by a bus when I was 50.
" Yikes.
Grim.
I don't want to be the old grandma in the corner.
- Oh, Ma.
- You won't be.
That's never gonna happen.
Yeah, Ma, we'll stick you right in the middle of the room.
What I hope he means is you're never going to be ignored like that.
You're the center of this family.
Well, sure, to you guys.
But to Jackie's baby You're never gonna be that scary type of grandma.
You're way too young and beautiful.
- And vibrant.
- And fun.
Well, I (sputters) I wasn't fishing for all those compliments, but they're just jumping in the boat.
Thank you.
But as great as you are, you do have a kid who's having a kid.
So you're gonna be a grandmother, whether you like it or not.
You have a kid who's having a kid.
Good.
We've made little to no progress.
Uh-oh.
Jackie just posted a video.
God.
Is it her singing "Frozen" again? "Let It Go.
" I'm trying to, Ronny, but that was rough.
Well, this looks a little rough, too.
This is a Kickstarter campaign, except the support I seek is not financial, it's emotional.
I need someone to be there for me during my pregnancy.
The support that I lack often comes from a family.
I once had a family.
They were like a family to me.
But now, they're more like a fraternity, at some sort of bar crawl.
She's right.
I feel awful.
Me, too.
A different way for me to express how I feel is through song.
ARTHUR: Oh, no! - Shut it down.
- Kill it.
Okay, just get comfortable and the doctor will be in shortly for the sonogram.
Are you sure? 'Cause I know some people who say they're gonna do things, and then don't.
Okay.
Hey.
Hi, Jackie.
How are you? What are you guys doing here? Shouldn't you be off bungee jumping or something? We deserve that.
I mean, what'd you have for lunch-- soft cheeses and cured meats? (laughs) We didn't bungee jump.
We're sorry, Jackie.
We really let you down.
If it makes you feel any better, I might have to get stitches in my throat.
Look, I'm really happy about this baby.
But sometimes I'm also overwhelmed about doing it on my own.
I mean, sure, I have friends, but you guys are the people that make me feel not alone.
And when you're not there for me, it's kind of scary.
Sweetheart, from now on, we'll always be there for you.
Because you're gonna be right above us.
In the apartment? (laughs) Oh, my God! You mean it? We do.
Okay, but I'm gonna be paying full rent.
No.
Don't worry about it.
We'll work it out.
You save your money for the baby.
Oh, my God, my baby's gonna be right upstairs from its grandma and grandpa! From its grandpa and Mrs.
McCarthy.
Long story.
Don't ask.
Ma's family has a lot to answer for in its treatment of the elderly.
DOCTOR: Wow! Full house.
We're her support system.
We support her no matter what.
That sounded threatening.
Let's get started.
Ooh, that's cold.
(laughs) Warm it up or we walk.
Sean, it's fine.
It's fine.
Is that my baby? It is.
That's the heartbeat, right there.
- Aw! - Man.
Beautiful.
What do you think, Mrs.
McCarthy? Grammy's here, baby! Oh! (laughing)