The Men's Room (1991) s01e04 Episode Script

1 I love you.
Darling, welcome home.
I've missed you so much.
Do you still sleep with her? Get out of my life.
You arrogant, selfish bastard! I'm leaving.
I've got a new job.
I never, ever want to see you again.
Get out.
I want you out, out of the house, out of my life.
Daddy? Mummy says you can come home now.
But I love you.
He doesn't love me.
He never has.
I love you.
Darling, welcome home.
I've missed you so much.
I want you out, out of the house, out of my life.
Welcome home.
- Well, hang on a minute! - I'm sorry.
I didn't You ought to lock the door, you know.
In the next hour It fell out of the air.
What caused disaster on Flight 182? We have reaction and comment here in the studio and from Ireland and Canada.
Is Joanna on the pill? What makes you ask that? It's already salted! Well, is she? No, I don't think so, not that contraception is the critical issue.
- You don't know? You're her mother.
- Well, you're her father! - Don't start! - Who's starting? I'm not starting, I'm just making a point.
- Can't I make a point? - Anyway, there's nothing to worry about.
She is on the pill.
- Are you going into college? - What? Yes.
It's my last day.
I'll need some help getting ready for Scotland.
Joanna? It's my first day off! I won't be long.
You can drop me at the station.
Look, Joanna, your breakfast - I won't be late.
- The breakfast! - I'm off to school.
- Susan! Susan, your breakfast! Down comes the roof! - Once a year when the sun comes out.
- I wonder if anything else comes out.
- Bye, Dad.
- Give me a kiss.
- Hey, Mark, can you do me a favour? - What? I'm old enough to look after myself.
You'll only be gone three weeks.
Dad, the thought of Scotland drives me crazy.
- Talk to your mother.
- If I ask her, she'll just say no.
You know as well as I do, she doesn't listen to me.
Please! Look I know this sounds like a cliché and I've never discussed it with you before, but boys Just because I don't want to go to Scotland doesn't mean I've got a boyfriend.
I didn't suggest for a minute that it did.
Look Men Men are not to be trusted.
See what I've done to your mother? And I'm a nice man.
Please? All right.
- I love you, Dad.
- I love you back.
I wish you didn't drink so much.
Mavis.
No, thanks.
- Hiya.
- How do? Another year over, thank God.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
Hello, Delia.
How's the thesis going? You wouldn't believe how many new forms of cohabitation there are.
Really? Everyone seems to be searching for an ongoing intimate personal relationship.
It's a total obsession.
A reaction against the mindless greed of Thatcherism.
You think they shouldn't be? You sociologists are all the same, feeding off other people's misfortunes.
You think if you study something and you make a report that things will change, that there will be progress.
There is no such thing as progress, only insight.
And for that you don't need endless words, only silence.
- Good God! - Exactly.
Does anybody want to hear about my study? No! Who pulled his chain? I don't know.
- Some wine? - No, thank you.
Are you all right, Dr Pascoe? Yes! Did you see the review of Charity's book? - It was brilliant.
- Lucky, more like.
These days you can't get published unless you're black, crippled or female.
What kind of sociologist are you? Unlike Charity, I see what's in front of me.
It doesn't mean I like it.
You're jealous because Charity's achieved more since she left than you have in your entire career.
Oh, yeah? That's only because she didn't have to look after a man.
Who knows? Maybe a man is looking after her.
Yes? I'm not the only person in this office.
Not me.
We've all got things to do.
Surprise for you.
Thanks.
What's she got? - Do you need to use it? - You've been on it now for an hour and a half.
But the co-relationships Cohabitation by height? Sexual orientation by foot size? What's this? Mack struck back.
He's made a mess of the data.
- He'll have to put it right.
- He's defected to another life.
- What? - Given up the Bagua and gone to Bhutan.
He's going to study horticulture.
Good God! - Dear God! - Buy you a drink? No.
- You haven't been the same since Charity left.
- What do you mean? - You knew? - Of course.
Did everybody? Yeah.
Anyway, you should be pleased because since then every female student reminds me of my daughters and every woman over 30 either of my mother or my wife.
- Not you, of course.
- Of course.
Maybe it's raised my consciousness.
What do you think? Maybe you've created a new man of me.
It was more fun when you were a pain in the arse.
I'm always around, you know, even if it's just for a talk.
Thank you.
- Hello.
- Mark, it's Delia.
- Ivan's been arrested.
- He's what? Look, I'm sorry, Mark, really.
Look, could I buy you a drink? It started with my father.
He ran off with another woman when I was two.
I grew up thinking I should prove that not all men were bad.
- Ivan.
- Shoplifting doesn't hurt anyone, you know.
Shops get the losses back on the insurance and well, it is fun.
Look, Ivan, as your professor, and bearing in mind your field, I can claim one bout of shoplifting as part of your research.
- But any more - This is my fifth year.
Good God! Look, there's something I've always wanted to ask you.
What? - What's it like? - What? - What's it like sleeping - Two beers, gentlemen.
Thank you.
- Well, I've only ever been with women.
- That's what I mean.
Oh, I'm sorry.
- How old are you? - 47.
- And you've never? - Don't laugh, please.
I'm not laughing, Ivan.
Well It's a bit difficult really.
Some men would tell you that sex isn't worth it, but that's not true.
To have a woman want you and to feel her body and even to control it is well But they're trouble.
I mean, just when you think you've agreed terms, they change the game.
- Charity wasn't like that.
- What? She really loved you.
You shouldn't have hurt her.
Oh, God! We might as well have carried placards.
Tom! Here's to a term of hard work.
Congratulations, all of you.
- Thank you, Mum.
- And to your second book.
Yeah, well done.
And don't let your father spoil you in America.
Shelley's pregnant again.
Top Of The Pops! I wish I knew what to do about Harry.
Does he ever talk to you? Are you sure you don't want to go to California? Come on! I'm happy here.
You know.
Steady at 38, Heaven from Bryan Adams.
The Purple Rain continues as a chart entry by Prince at 37.
Down to 36, Everybody Wants To Rule The World.
- Hello? - Can I speak to Tom Walton? Yes, of course.
Tom? It's a girl.
It's a girl! 32, Don't You Forget About Me, Simple Minds.
Freddie Mercury at 31 with I Was Born To Love You.
- Hi.
- It's on.
Plan A, OK? Great! Susan! Darling, turn it down, just a little.
- Where are you going? - I'm just going for a recce.
- I'm going with her.
- All right, darling.
Hey, you two! Supper at seven.
- Isn't it lovely, darling? - Yes.
Why don't you pop those two upstairs in the bedroom? Slow down, for Christ's sake! Hey, Tom! - Shit! You're Tom Walton! - Yeah.
They'll have a frigging fit.
Who gives a shit? I could have brought Terry! It's not fair.
And don't you dare tell.
No! Mark? Go back to sleep, yes? Go back to sleep.
You don't talk to me.
You don't let me touch you.
I cook nice meals, I look after the girls.
I do everything the best I can.
I don't know what I'm doing wrong.
It's not you.
Do you want to go back to London? Well, the girls would want to come and my car They've found friends.
They'll be all right.
Well, if you don't mind.
I could find out about trains.
Hello.
- Operator.
- Hello? Yes, I'd like to send a telegram.
You had no right to send that telegram.
I know I didn't.
Look, there's some champagne.
What's wrong? You look beautiful.
Cheers.
Cheers.
You've decorated, have you? Yes.
I thought you had.
It's nice.
It's lovely.
I like all the So I take it you made the wrong decision? - What decision? - You went back to your wife.
- You tried to bloody kill me.
- I did, didn't I? Sorry about that.
- Are you? - No, not really.
So why are you here? I miss you.
And Jane and I are strangers.
We don't sleep together or anything of that kind any more.
Yeah, I've heard that before.
- And if you loved me - I do.
I promise that in the last two years - There's been nobody else? - There's been nobody else.
- And you? - No-one.
I know that we'd always be lovers.
We'd be fine.
We'd be terrific.
I'd be good.
I'd iron my shirts.
I wouldn't read over your shoulder.
So you can't move in? We could see.
You know.
We could see.
Can't we just see? I thought Dad was home.
Idiot! I'm sorry.
Hello.
The key didn't seem to No.
Well, I've changed the lock.
You changed the lock? I can't imagine what you think is going on.
Of course you can.
We've lived together for 20 years.
We both know exactly what's going on.
It's Charity, isn't it? Look, lots of people have affairs.
It doesn't mean anything.
You said You said you didn't mind.
I never said I didn't mind.
I said I'd cope.
But I come back.
The last two years here with you I never trapped you.
You trapped yourself.
Was I so bad? No.
Look, I'm sorry.
Jane, I'm sorry.
You have every right to be angry and whatever.
But in a couple of weeks Get out, now! Your things are packed.
Oh, and phone the girls.
I'm sure they'll miss you.
Yeah.
You won't? Oh, yes, probably.
But it will be a comfort to wake up in the morning and not feel a failure.
Yes.
Fair enough.
- Hello.
- Hello.
Well, where else could I go? - What do you reckon, Rachel? - It's OK, I suppose.
Anyway, the NHS have finally agreed we can go on the IVF.
It's a real coup.
If the baby can live in a petri dish, maybe it can live in me.
I mean, it's worth a try, isn't it? I know I know the statistics aren't that good but wouldn't it be wonderful? Yes.
- So what's the matter with you? - Nothing.
Why? You're the picture of young love.
- I'm old.
- Not that old.
I don't know.
Maybe I shouldn't complain.
For years I was desperate for him to move in.
And Rachel's being really good too.
But we don't talk.
I do a lot of cooking.
And sex, well He seems so depressed, like James all over again.
Maybe it's me.
Maybe I'm not supposed to live with a man.
Don't be silly.
You should talk to him.
Look, it won't be you.
That's all we've time for tonight.
We'll be back tomorrow at 10:50.
Please join us again then.
Till then, from Jenny and me and all of us, a very good night to you.
- Look, have I done something wrong? - What makes you think that? - You're so depressed.
- It wouldn't have anything to do with you.
- I don't know.
- You care so much about people.
You'd care about me, wouldn't you, if I said I was in love with someone else? What? - Are you? - No.
Well, I don't understand.
I could have killed you when you had that affair.
What affair? Don't give me that.
In Evian! Jesus Christ! That was three years ago.
This isn't about that, is it? I don't know.
I don't always say what I feel.
But I didn't have an affair.
Do you expect me to believe that? What was it, then? A trick to get me to leave Jane? I don't believe this.
I did not have an affair.
I chose not to.
I don't suppose you can understand that.
And believe me, I wanted to and he wanted to but I chose not to because I love you.
And I love making love to you.
If I'd done it with anyone else I couldn't do that properly any more.
That's the big difference between us.
Anyway, I don't think this is about that at all.
I think you're feeling ashamed and that's why we can't go to bed properly.
- Don't be ridiculous! - What are you ashamed of? That Jane threw you out or that you moved in here? Jane was my wife! And to carry on an old relationship is not the same as starting a new one.
- Jane threw you out.
- Did she? Yes! Oh, you're telling me that if you'd tried, you could have won her over? - Yes.
- Oh, that's ridiculous.
That's bullshit.
Do you want to know what's wrong with us? You! When I need you, you're working.
You look a mess.
That comes with the job, I'm afraid.
I am not Jane.
You just want to be pampered and fed and watered all over again.
- Yes.
- Well, you've come to the wrong house.
What's supposed to be in this deal for me? That's what I'd like to know.
You can't even make love properly any more.
- Oh, Mum! - It's OK, really.
It's all right.
- Is it raining? - No.
- Sorry.
- Yup.
I am sorry.
I've been living alone too long.
It's made me careless.
It's just as if we're a habit.
I don't know.
Now we're not special.
- Now.
- But we can be still.
We can be and we must be.
We've got to learn to be special and live together somehow.
We can, you know.
We can.
I really, really love you.
- I really love you.
- Yes.
That's why I want to try, please.
I don't want to fail again.
I really, really do.
I do too.
I really, really do.
You're so wet! Yeah.
Yeah! I'm really, really wet.
You know.
I see me with you And all the things you do Keep turning round and round in my mind Forget the weather, we should always be together And any other thought is unkind To have you with me - Will you marry me? - Don't be silly! - Look, I love you.
Why - Just forget it.
We'll be together We'll be together tonight We'll be together The whole issue is hugely complex.
I really wonder if this could be discrediting birth control altogether.
Putting on a friendly face for the media.
I'm sorry about the weather.
Despite his hospitality, Mr Archer And all I want to be Is dancing here with you in my arms Forget the weather, we should always be together Always be a slave to your charms To have you with me I would swim the seven seas I need you as my guide and my light My love is a flame that burns in your name We'll be together, we'll be together Mark! Hello, my darling.
What's wrong with me? Well, I asked already but they won't tell me.
I'm not your husband.
Excuse me.
Yes, Mrs Walton.
Would you kindly tell Sister that Professor Carleton and I would like to see the doctor? Certainly.
How do you like the flowers? The children asked me to bring them.
- How are they? - They're fine, fine.
It's like we just met on the Tube.
It's these places.
I hate them.
- What seems to be the problem? - What's wrong with her? - Me.
- Yes.
She has endometrial hyperplasia.
- And she haemorrhaged.
- "She"? Me.
I did.
Did I? - Why? - We don't know.
But there's no need to worry.
Thank you.
- Do you think they know what they're doing? - Of course.
This is a teaching hospital.
It's got an international reputation.
Yeah, for being under-funded.
Now, come on.
You'll be fine.
I've got to go.
I've got a tutorial.
OK? Shall I leave you the paper? Yes! You're looking well.
How are you? Mavis said the proof had arrived.
- Yeah.
- Congratulations.
When's it coming out? Thank you very much.
September.
- Buy you a drink? - This one's on me.
Oh, it's lovely! Look what you've done.
- It was Rachel that did it.
- Oh, come here! It's just my hormones.
I'll be all right in a few days.
- Would you like a cup of tea.
- Yeah.
Wonderful.
- I'm sorry.
- There.
It's all right.
It's just so lovely to be back.
You're all so wonderful.
Did you see all this? There.
All right, well, I have to shoot.
- But I'll be back about six, all right? - OK.
Bye.
"Why don't you come round and make things hard for yourself, lover?" Who is she? Margaret Lacey.
Margaret Lacey? - Margaret Lacey? - Well, I was drunk.
- Margaret Lacey! - She seduced me.
- Margaret Lacey! - It didn't mean anything.
Margaret Lacey! You were in the hospital.
I was in hospital for six days! You couldn't handle six days! You just follow your prick, don't you? Like a nose without a bone in it.
I suppose none of this is your fault, no.
Oh, no, you don't! This is you! Monogamy is for grown-ups! What kind of wimp are you? Will the government push ahead with privatisation now they've been re-elected for a third term? Five more years of Maggie.
How do you feel about that? Phone me, Nick Carr, after this.
Hey, if we can solve any problem Then why do we lose so many tears It's probably none of my business, but I wish you two would stop.
When the leading man appears Always the same thing I'm sorry.
I mean it, really.
I just don't know what I'd do without you.
You take a piece of me with you Every time you go away You take a piece of me I don't think I have any rights over Mark.
Of course you do but I never intended to take him away.
Just borrowing him, were you? How do you square that with your feminism? Surely you did a little more than just borrow Mark from Jane? For centuries women have been taught that they don't have a sexuality, that the only sexual drive that matters is the male's.
We know this isn't true so why should we pretend? I fancied Mark, I went to bed with him.
It's what men are forgiven for daily.
I know what I did to Jane was horrible, but I did it for love.
I did it for something that matters.
Well, you see, that's where you and I fundamentally differ.
I just don't believe that true love between men and women is possible.
No matter how many women men go to bed with or how many or how few they say they love, male solidarity is always stronger than heterosexual love.
It was only a couple of times.
He never once thought of leaving you.
Cling to that.
Maybe it's the closest a man comes to love.
I'm not sure this whole thing's about feminism at all.
Maybe it's just about the way human beings ought to behave to one another.
Perhaps.
But men are half the human race.
You can't change the old ones but we must bring our sons up as feminists.
You know why they write songs about Johannesburg? There's nothing in Cleethorpes to write about.
- Oh, hi, Mum.
- Hello, hi.
- This is Rosie.
Rosie, my mum.
- It's great to meet you.
I've heard loads about you and your family.
I can't wait to meet them.
Rosie's from up north! But she wants to stay in London a couple of days.
- If that's all right.
- I thought Well, you can put up a camp bed in Rachel's room, I suppose.
Can you help me off with this? I want to go and get some fags.
I don't know what to say.
I mean I don't want to sound like my mother and I'm hardly one to speak, but We've never really talked about AIDS.
- I mean, are you careful? - Yes! - Do you wear condoms? - Yes! I may not look like a great example but Mark and I did know one another very well before Well, before Anyway, what about Joanna? Tom, I hope you don't treat sex like some sort of exercise.
It's important.
It can be It should be the best expression of love that there is.
Just leave it, Mum.
Right? - Just leave it.
- All right? - Come on, we're going.
- What? - It was really good to meet you.
- Come on.
- Rosie, I'm sorry - Bye.
- What's the matter? - Stupid bitch! There you are.
That's yours.
- And that's yours.
- Thank you.
I don't actually approve of underage drinking but anyway.
You could get yourselves into real big trouble, the pair of you.
Dad, I'm nearly 18! Where are the crisps? - I'll get them.
- Sorry, I forgot the crisps.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
- How are you? - Fine.
Good.
So, have you a man in your life at the moment? No.
No.
- How's your mother? - She's fine.
She's started an Open University course in English literature.
- Really? - You know how she loves books.
I know how she loves books.
She let me read one of her essays.
It was really good.
- Was it? - Yeah, and there's this really dishy guy Have you seen Blue Velvet? No.
Yes.
But it's X-certificate.
We walked out.
We left.
Yeah? I'm upstairs in Tom's room.
Just going through his laundry.
Seems a bit like prying.
Well, after the girls, I'd rather stay in the dark.
I just didn't expect to feel so old.
Hang on.
Yup? Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, I'm on my way.
I won't be long.
Just give me a minute.
I'll get rid of this tea and I'll be right back.
Professor, he's in your office.
Dr Pascoe, a cup of tea.
- Thank you.
- OK? Dad! It's not possible.
Not Pascoe, not embezzlement.
He has admitted it.
How much money are we talking about? ã45,000.
He claimed refurbishings.
Office equipment, a couple of CPT word processors, a Toyota Space Cruiser.
We haven't got one.
- A new men's room.
- A what? - A new lavatory.
- I know.
Well, three of them, actually.
Where are all these things? I'm afraid, Professor, in Pascoe's head.
Gambling, drugs or women? It was love.
How old is she? - My wife.
- I'm so sorry.
Things are better now.
She still has to have the tranquillisers but they've stopped the electric shock.
I just wanted her to have somewhere nice to live.
You see, she doesn't like leaving the place.
Well, if only you'd said, perhaps we could have helped.
I didn't want to trouble anybody.
But, please, I must keep my job, you see.
I'm too old to find another and then I'll never be able to pay you back.
Who is that with you? Is that your daughter? - Let me get her.
- No! Please don't.
I don't want her to see me like this.
Please.
I must have some time.
It's OK.
It's OK.
Miss Pascoe? Singing, this will be the day that I die This will be the day that I die I mean My mother really is his life, you know.
The department and my mother.
I suppose it gives you faith in true love.
You will help him, Professor Carleton? I mean, you will help him? He won't lose his job? No, no, no.
Truly.
Well, I know that you're in love with him Cos I saw you dancing in the gym You both kicked off your shoes Man, I dig those rhythm and blues Oh, no, you don't.
Oh, yes, you will.
No, you don't.
Oh, yes, you will.
You come to me Like a child That's lost its way You make me lie and make me cry With the words that you say Will your love be around for a while Or be gone with the dawn and a smile I am a woman One day I'm gonna fly And if I say that I want you to stay Will you Will you steal my whole life away I am a woman Don't you know that I am a woman Oh, I said, I am a woman And one day I'm gonna fly