The Munsters (1964) s01e04 Episode Script

[Man.]
Gentlemen, shall we begin the operation? Scalpel.
Pulse rate, falling.
Forceps.
Breathing, labored.
Sutures.
This is a very dangerous operation.
Oh, I know.
Just let me concentrate.
[Man #2.]
You've got to save her, Dr.
Basey.
Her father owns the hospital.
[Static, Buzzing.]
There goes that set again.
Right in the middle of my favorite comedy.
Try another channel, Grandpa.
[Wailing.]
[Squeaks.]
Will you be quiet, Igor? He hates television ever since Bat Masterson went off the air.
[Squeaking.]
All right, Igor.
Good night.
Good night.
You shouldn't have repaired this thing with those war surplus radar parts.
Why are you so hotheaded, Herman? I can't help it.
That's the way I'm made.
Maybe you'll get a new TV set for your birthday.
[TVWhistling.]
You and your radar parts.
It's tuning in on our own house again.
[Chuckling.]
Hey, look.
There's Eddie trying to catch dinner for the cat.
- We'll get him this time.
- [Growls.]
- [Squawks.]
Missed me! - [Growls.]
Look, there's Marilyn and Lily in the kitchen.
I wonder if they're talking about us.
See if you can tune in the sound.
I love to eavesdrop.
It'll be wonderful for Eddie to have a little playmate, Aunt Lily.
But what about breaking the news to Uncle Herman? Oh, that's not important.
Telling Herman is a little detail I can take care of anytime.
A new playmate for Eddie.
Did you hear that, Herman? She's having a baby? And telling me is just a detail? [Chuckles.]
Isn't that typical of women? So often the husband is the last to know.
What do you think, Grandpa? Will it be a boy or a girl? Probably.
Aunt Lily, a minute ago while we were talking, did you have the feeling someone was watching us? No.
But I'll check.
Eddie, are you hiding in there again? Nope, not in there.
Maybe Grandpa's hanging in the cupboard.
Grandpa.
Nevermore.
[Squawks.]
I wish that stupid raven would stay in his clock.
I guess I was mistaken.
Oh, Marilyn.
It'll be such fun having another child around the house, even if it's only for a little while.
How long will the little fellow be with us? Just a week or so.
He's Dr.
Dudley's son.
I've been babysitting with them.
Oh, yes.
Our family doctor.
Herman went to him once, but the poor fellow fainted during the examination.
It upset Herman so much he never went back.
The doctor and his wife are going to a convention.
So I said we'd keep little Elmer until they come back.
Here's Dr.
Dudley's card, so we can get in touch with him.
Hmm.
I think I'll break the news to your Uncle Herman gently.
His birthday's coming up this week and you know how he feels about strange people in the house.
Yes, you better tell him when he's in a good mood.
We wouldn't want him to go all to pieces.
Oh, I know.
It's such a nuisance putting him back together again.
Devil's food cake.
They all love it.
[Thunderclap.]
Oh, isn't it restful to sit out here after supper, Herman? Yes.
We had weather just like this on our honeymoon.
Remember? What a beautiful spot that was.
Devil's Island.
Too bad they closed it down.
Seems like all the really nice resorts are gone.
It's a shame we've never kept in touch with that charming Captain Dreyfuss.
Hmm.
You're not very talkative this evening, Lily.
Are you sure there isn't anything you want to tell me? I mean, anything about a little, uh, bundle? - [Chuckles.]
- Bundle? Oh, I'm glad you reminded me, Herman.
I have a whole bundle oflaundry downstairs.
I must go out and hang it on the line, take advantage of this beautiful weather.
Lily, you just dropped a piece of pap Lily.
"Dr.
Dudley, M.
D.
"? [Thunderclap.]
Well, here we are, Herman.
"4919 Woodbury Drive.
" Dr.
Dudley's house.
I hate to do this behind Lily's back, Grandpa.
Now, Herman.
You're her husband.
If she's going to be coy about it and not tell you what's going on, you've gotta find out everything for yourself.
Well, at least we won't be bothering them at this hour.
It's only 4:00 in the morning.
Of course.
I've seen those intern movies.
This is just about the time when most doctors are getting home from all those wild parties they have all the time.
Come on.
Edward, what are you doing? What am I doing? I'm dying of indigestion.
That's what I'm doing.
Shh, shh.
Couldn't you be a little more quiet about it? Do you want to wake up little Elmer? I lost my darn glasses, and you know I can't see a thing without them.
You and your oysters Rockefeller.
For the past two hours, I've been having the most horrible nightmares.
I'm going downstairs and drink some hot milk.
Oh, you look awful, dear.
Get back in bed.
You're sick.
That's you.
I'm over here.
I wondered what you were doing in my pajamas.
[Doorbell Rings.]
I'll get it, dear.
Now remember, Herman.
Don't beat around the bush.
Just ask him point-blank about Lily.
Okay, if you say so.
Yes, yes? What is it at this hour? Excuse me, Doctor, but could I ask you something? Well, who are you? You look like a patient of mine.
One that I lost recently.
I'm Herman Munster.
And you're our family doctor.
Oh, yes.
Didn't I examine you once? Yes, but you fainted in the middle of the examination.
[Chuckles.]
Did I? I gotta watch that fainting.
It could be quite embarrassing if I fainted in the middle of an operation.
[Chuckling.]
Doctor, could you answer a question? How do you like that? When I don't have my glasses on, I hear double.
No, this is Grandpa.
Oh.
Looks rather like a tall penguin, doesn't he? What was the question? Oh, well, it's about my wife and I.
Uh, I wanted to know [Clears Throat.]
Whether we're expecting.
Expecting? Expecting what? You know, a child at our house.
Oh, yes.
All the arrangements have been made.
Oh, thank you, Doctor.
Thank you.
Oh, say, now I remember you.
You had your doggie with you the last time too.
Friendly little fellow, isn't he? Giving me his paw.
Well, good night.
You see, Herman? I told you it was true.
The moment you found his card, I knew he wasn't treating Lily for no hangnail.
Well, did you get your hot milk, dear? I couldn't find the kitchen.
Anyway, someone came to the door.
Who was it? That Mr.
Munster.
His niece is gonna take care of little Elmer for us.
I don't know what he was driving at.
Well, anyway, it's very nice of them to do it for us.
Marilyn is so sweet.
What is her uncle like? I couldn't get him in focus too well without my specs.
All I'm sure of is he was nine feet tall and had a penguin with him that turned out to be his grandfather.
Oh, Edward.
You'd better get some sleep.
I didn't think worrying about Medicare was upsetting you this much.
I'm fine.
I'm fine.
All I need is a good night's rest.
Okay.
Good night, honey.
Good night.
My, this mattress is lumpy.
I've got something important to ask you.
Uncle Herman's not around, is he? No, he took Spotty down to the car wash for his weekly bath.
I just don't know what to get him for his birthday.
Do you think he'd like a new snakeskin tobacco pouch? I don't think so, dear.
The old one is still wiggling.
What are you getting him? Well, he's been talking about a second car for months now.
I have an appointment with a car dealer downtown.
A car would be a wonderful surprise for Uncle Herman.
I'm going to pick it out today and have it delivered on his birthday.
Well, maybe I'll just get him another season pass to Forest Memorial Park.
[Footsteps.]
Hello there.
Are you Diamond Jim? Yes, ma'am.
How do you do? I'm Mrs.
Munster.
I called here about an hour ago.
Are you the one I talked to? No, it must have been my brother, Diamond Irving.
You looking for a bargain in luxury transportation? Yes.
I would like something nice for my husband's birthday.
Excuse me, lady.
But were you ever in the movies? Oh, yes.
Just last Saturday night we saw a lovely picture, The Body Snatchers.
No, no.
I mean, I thought I might have seen you on the late, late show.
Me? [Chuckles.]
Oh, well.
Now, how about this little baby first? Oh.
Hmm, how much is this one? Isn't it a dream? 7,800.
Executive car, turned in yesterday by a California minister.
I'm afraid my husband wouldn't like leopard skin.
Do you have anything upholstered in wolf hide? Wolf hide? Wolf hide.
Let me see.
How about this one? Isn't this a beauty? This little hotrod is done in genuine Tijuana tuck 'n' roll.
My, this is rather dashing, isn't it? Yep.
And we do have a growing boy in the family.
Good.
Oh, look at that.
There is a handsome car.
You mean you like that one, lady? Oh, yes.
Oh, this is the sort of car our family could get a lot of use out of.
Grandpa's been just dying for something like this.
If he saw it, he would just flip his lid.
But lady, this is not a car.
It's a I'll take it.
You will? And that darling little roadster too.
You mean you want both of them? If you can make a few modifications for me.
Yeah.
Now I'll tell you what I want you to do.
What? Take that car there and this one.
Mm-hmm.
Call the custom body shop Yeah.
And tell them it's a rush job, and then have them Oh, Herman.
You know, I just love digging in the garden.
It makes you feel so close to the soil.
I know, the garden's looking much better this year too.
Everything's dying out early.
Yeah.
Herman, by the way, has Lily mentioned you know what, the little stranger? Not a word.
It's been four or five days now, and I've given her all sorts of hints.
Well, I guess there's no understanding women.
You know, I never knew when half of my wives were expecting.
You know, Grandpa, I feel like relaxing after all that work outside.
How about a game of chess? Hey, I got a better idea.
Why don't the two of us go in the living room and have a three-handed game of solitaire? You're on.
Thank you.
That's right, Diamond Jim.
My husband's birthday is on Wednesday, and I want to be sure you have the car ready by then.
I haven't told my husband a thing about it.
It'll be a complete surprise to him.
She must be talking to the doctor about the new baby.
It will make a nice birthday gift.
I think it shows a lot more thought than just getting him a necktie, don't you? Oh, yes.
I understand all about the 30-day guarantee.
And if my husband doesn't like it, we can always trade it in.
Trade it in? Are you sure that she's talking about a baby? And one more thing.
Don't forget about the seat covers.
Believe me.
She's talking about a baby.
Morning, Lily.
Good morning, dear.
Well, good morning.
Now, Lily.
I want you to do absolutely nothing while I set the table and fix breakfast.
That's very sweet of you, Herman, but Lily.
I will not have you slaving over a hot cauldron at a time like this.
Don't be silly, dear.
No, Lily.
I want you to sit right down at that table.
Let Herman put you in the driver's seat.
Herman, you're so forceful.
Only four plates this morning, darling.
Marilyn left early.
Hello, Grandpa.
Hello, everybody.
Bottom of the morning to you.
Grandpa, please.
Allow me.
Sit right down.
This morning, I'm fixing breakfast.
Oh, yes, yes.
I understand.
That's very thoughtful of you, Herman.
Lovely weeds for a lovely lady.
Thank you, dear.
Good morning.
Good morning, Eddie.
Good morning.
Eddie, Eddie.
Allow me.
There you go, son.
?? [Herman Humming.]
Hey, Daddy's getting breakfast.
What's up, Grandpa? Shh.
?? [Herman Humming.]
Was Daddy playing poker all night with those men from the office? No, dear.
He must have done something pretty bad to be acting this mushy.
Not at all, Eddie.
Your father is just naturally a sweet and kind man.
Aren't you, pussycat? I try to be.
Mother.
Sit right down, dear.
I just fixed you a little snack for lunch.
Oh, strawberries and pickles? Well, that's very thoughtful of you, Herman.
Not at all, dear.
You just sit there and enjoy your food while I play a little something for you on the organ.
?? [Organ.]
Brahms's "Lullaby.
" You play so well, dear.
Herman, there's something I want to tell you, and I've been waiting for the right moment.
It's about time, Lily.
But you don't have to say another word.
I already know.
You do? Yes.
And I think the idea of having a little playmate for Eddie is just wonderful.
How did you find out? Herman, sometimes I think you're absolutely uncanny.
Well, I guess I sort of accidentally eavesdropped on you and Marilyn.
And then I sort of ran into Dr.
Dudley.
Oh, you old busybody, you.
[Chuckles.]
Never mind that.
What I'm dying to know is when when the child is due.
I mean, approximately.
Approximately? I can tell you exactly.
It's a boy.
He'll arrive at 9:00 tomorrow morning.
And his name is Elmer.
And then if he's hungry, he can sit down and have breakfast with us.
Herman, what's the matter? You have that funny look on your face.
Oh, nothing.
I was just thinking that science has made some awfully big strides since Eddie was born.
But I guess automation is everywhere.
Hello.
Here we are, Elmer.
Aunt Lily, I want you to meet little Elmer.
Mrs.
Dudley just dropped him off.
Well, so this is the little boy who's come to stay with us for a while.
Oh, isn't that fine? Eddie, Elmer's here.
Hi, Elmer.
Hi.
Boy, you've got neat ears.
Aw, they're not so great.
Eddie, why don't you take Elmer in the other room to play? Okay.
Come on, Elmer.
Here are some toys he brought with him.
Oh, neato! Come on.
Isn't he a sweet little boy? Yes, but he certainly isn't as handsome as Eddie.
I mean, his ears aren't the least bit pointed.
And, oh, what a dreadful haircut.
I do wish Herman hadn't slept so late.
The car I ordered got here an hour ago.
I mean, really, on his own birthday.
The least he could do would be to Shh, here he comes.
Morning, Lily.
Morning, dear.
Good morning, Marilyn.
Oh, thank you.
I kept your breakfast cold for you.
Oh, no, Lily.
I couldn't eat any breakfast this morning.
I'm much too excited.
You know, thinking about the child.
Oh, him.
Well, he got here a few minutes ago, right on schedule.
He's in the living room.
Oh, Herman! Never mind that.
Lily, he just arrived? And you're working here in the kitchen? Well, why not? He's in the living room.
Now why don't you go in and introduce yourself? Introduce myself? Go on, dearie.
Go on.
And then I have a real surprise for you.
Okay, Lily.
But, Lily, I don't think I can take too many more surprises today.
Gee, Elmer.
You sure got a lot of neat stuff to play with.
How does this work? By remote control.
I'll show you.
Put it down.
Son? Elmer? Son? It's my boy! It's my boy! And he looks just like me! Sonny! Come to Daddy! Herman! Herman, what's all the excitement? It's my son.
He's here.
And, Grandpa, look.
He's walking already.
Isn't he beautiful? Isn't he beautiful? [Squeaks.]
Listen, Herman.
He's trying to say "Daddy.
" [Cooing.]
Oopsy-daisy.
They had the same trouble with me when I was his age.
Eddie.
Eddie, come here.
Eddie, meet your new playmate.
Playmate? This is just a toy.
Here's my new playmate.
Elmer.
I want you to meet my pop.
How do you do, Mr.
Munster? You mean You mean this is You mean he You mean With a face like that? Oh, no.
What a catastrophe! You mean You mean it's someone else's child? And we're just keeping him for a while? Of course, dear.
I don't know how you could've gotten the wrong idea.
Oh, thank goodness.
I'd die if we ever had a child that looked like that.
Come on, Uncle Herman.
Aunt Lily has a wonderful birthday present to show you.
Oh.
Oh, I'd almost forgotten about it being my birthday.
Come along, Herman.
It's right outside.
Oh.
Step, step.
Don't open them till I tell you.
No peeking, Uncle Herman.
Take it easy.
This will be a surprise.
Oh, this is going to be a big surprise.
All right.
Bring it out, Grandpa.
[Car Engine Starts.]
[Engine Revving.]
[Honks Horn.]
Open your eyes now, Herman.
Lily! Happy birthday.
How do you like it, Herman? I had it customized just for you.
Oh, it's just beautiful.
Getting a car like this and finding out that little Elmer is not our child makes this the happiest birthday I've ever had.
Come on, everybody.
Hop in! I'll take us all for a ride through the cemetery.
[Honks Horn.]
Come on, Herman.
Hop in! Get in the back, Herman.
[Engine Revving.]
You all in? ? For he's a jolly good fellow? ? For he's a jolly good fellow? ? For he's a jolly good fellow?? You know, Eddie.
You got the neatest parents in the whole world.
I know, Elmer.
I know.