The Nanny s01e04 Episode Script

Hey Niles? Are you okay? Oh, I'm afraid I'm feeling a bit queer.
Don't ask.
Don't tell.
But for god sakes, come out of the closet.
Oh, Miss Fine, I'm beginning to feel a bit ill.
Oh, you British.
You look like us, you act like us, but bottom line, you're foreigners.
C'mere, let me take your temperature.
/ Huh? Ninety-nine point three.
I must say, you have very skillful lips.
Oh, honey, you don't know the half of it.
Put this down, go upstairs, lie down and rub on some Vicks.
I will let you know when dinner's ready.
You? / You? Yes, me.
Now go, go.
I'm perfectly capable of getting dinner on the table.
Hello, Fung Lungs, do you deliver? Okay, well we want the family dinner.
Yeah, I feel like shrimp.
Gracie, honey, what do you feel like? I feel trapped.
Maybe we should order the Dysfunctional Family Dinner.
With that they promise you shrimp and then they don't give it to you.
Niles? / Oh, hold on a minute.
The father may be joining us.
This could mean an upgrade to the Imperial Feast.
What's, what's going on? Where, where's Niles? Oh, he's queer.
/ So we're doing take-out.
Take-out? Well, I'm just trying to expose the children to other cultures.
We ordered Chinese food, they learn how Jewish people eat.
You sure you wouldn't rather take them to the Twenty-One Club? Oh Oh now, kids, if the man's insisting No, no, no.
You have your fun and order Chinese.
Yes! / Okay.
Just make sure Grace gets an optimistic fortune.
I don't care if you're down to your last wok.
We waited an hour and a half for this food.
I should be hungry again already.
Finally.
/ Oh, about time.
Yes! / Ling, this better be you.
Eddie? / Maggie! I thought this house looked familiar.
/ Come on in.
Oh, I can't.
I have another order to deliver.
Meanwhile I waited an hour and a half.
What's their rush? Are you that waiter that kissed Maggie at Daddy's party? Good night, Gracie.
You know, Maggie never stops talking about you.
Sometimes Ow! Fran, Maggie kicked me.
It wasn't Maggie.
Go, start without us.
Oh, this bag's greasy.
/ Mmm, extra flavor.
So does your father still wanna kill me for kissing you at the party? Yeah.
Don't worry about him.
He knows it was just a kiss.
It wasn't just a kiss for me.
You pay him, give him a nice tip.
But not too much.
We don't want him to think we're desperate.
Would you go eat? Don't be nosey.
Stuck to the door again, Miss Fine? Niles I'm the nanny.
I'm paid to watch the children.
Why aren't you sleeping? I was, but I put on so much eucalyptus rub, I dreamt I was attacked by a giant Koala.
You know, I had that same dream.
Now you're both scaring me.
Come on, have some won-ton.
Now listen, kids, when Maggie comes out I want you all to act like nothing happened.
Please, nobody give her the third degree.
Oh, tell me everything! What did he say? Did he ask you out? / Yes.
Where are you gonna go? What are you gonna wear? / What are you gonna tell Dad? Maxwell, I thought we were going to meet at Le Circ.
Why the sudden change in plans? I have a special birthday present for you, and I just couldn't wait.
You didn't have to get me anything.
Well, all right, forget it.
/ Maxwell, you beast! C.
C.
C.
C.
, now you've been alone too long.
A lovely woman like you should have someone to come home to.
Someone, someone who loves you.
Maxwell Just close your eyes and put out your hand.
An engagement dog? I, I beg your pardon? What an engaging dog! Oh, Maxwell, how thoughtful.
Stock A, and a good judge of character.
Well, he needs some time to get used to you.
I mean, you can't expect a dog to just jump into your arms and love you at first sight.
Mister Sheffield? Oh, you got her a puppy.
Oh, how sweet.
Oh, look how friendly he is.
Oh, look he's like a little chestnut.
You should call him Chester.
If you don't 'mind, he's my dog, I'll name him.
Chester it is.
Maxwell, I don't know how to thank you for this lovely gift.
I think I'll just take him home and put him to sleep.
You mean to bed.
/ Whatever.
Maxwell, I'll meet you at the restaurant.
Bye, Chester.
Bye, little Chester.
Bye, bye.
You should have gotten her the toaster oven.
Yes, Miss Fine, is this a social call? Um, well, I do have a little problem I need to discuss with you.
It's not really a problem, so much as it is a dilemma.
No, that has a negative connotation.
Miss Fine, I do have dinner reservations.
Oh, well I'm getting to it.
Maggie was asked out on a date tomorrow.
Oh, that's not a problem.
Just tell her no.
Hence the dilemma.
You said yes? Well, it's just a movie.
A cartoon yet.
How could you do that? I mean, who is this boy? Do I, do I know him? Does anybody really know anybody? You're trying my patience.
Oh, all right.
It was Eddie from the backers party you threw.
Eddie the kissing waiter? Well, he's also a delivery boy.
It was fate, I tell you.
He delivered the take-out.
He's saving up to go to Yale, and I'm not talking about the locksmith school either.
Yale? Really? / Hm-hmm.
So what's he going to study? / Study? Um Llamas? Drama.
Drama? So my daughter wants to date an actor? Where did I go wrong? Oh, if you could have only seen the way those two kids looked at each other.
Oh well, maybe it's better you didn't.
Miss Fine, you see the position you've put me in.
Now you're the good guy, and I'm the ogre who won't let his daughter go to the ball.
Oh, nobody thinks of it that way.
I mean, maybe the word ogre was mentioned.
You can't shelter her forever.
I mean, boys will come knocking, and if you don't let 'em in the front door, she is gonna start sneaking out the window.
I have seen it a hundred times.
Take Teresa Palelly Teresa Palelly the casting director? / You know her? Well, I've used her.
/ And the legend lives on.
Oh, very well, Miss Fine, Margaret may go on her date.
Oh, thank you, Mister Sheffield.
Goodnight, Miss Fine.
/ Goodnight, Mister Sheffield.
Enjoy the movie tomorrow.
/ What? I'm not going.
Oh, yes, you are.
You're going to chaperon.
Chaperon? Is that even still a word? Ogres still use it.
/ Oh, why do I have to be the nuchslep? The what shelp? / The nuchshlep.
The tag-along.
The pathetic loser living on the cusp of other people's lives.
Oh, I'm sure you'll catch on quickly.
So what did he say? Yes or no? Yes.
But you're not gonna like the fine print.
I have to go with you.
So what you're saying is that on my first date alone with a gorgeous guy, you're gonna be sitting right next to me? / You got it.
Thank God.
Oh, let's try this.
Um, excuse us.
Would you mind moving down a seat? There's two seats there.
/ Yeah, but we're three.
Her date is getting our refreshments.
If she's on a date, who are you? The chaperon.
/ Oh, move down for the nuchshlep.
Looks too young to be a nuchshlep.
You don't have to be old, you just have to be a loser.
Are you two gonna talk through the whole movie? So how do you think it's going? / Nice.
Very nice.
So, you don't think I'm being too quiet? Oh, you know, let me give you a little bit of advice.
Remember when Eddie came to the house and you said, 'Hello'? Uh-huh.
/ That was good.
Elaborate on that.
Well, how? / Honey, it's your first date.
Why don't you just relax and enjoy it? Oy, I remember my first date.
Robbie Ortoff, the Falmingo Beach Club.
What she say? She's talking about the old days when she had a life.
Do you mind? I'm trying to tell a story here.
Oh, the nuchshlep's getting annoyed.
So you didn't know what to say on your first date either? Oh, no, honey.
But I got the gift of gab.
The point is, you gotta be yourself, too.
Only louder.
Hi.
Hello! I got popcorn.
/ I love popcorn! Here's your soda.
Oy, look at the size of this thing.
It should come with a lifeguard.
Yeah, I think mine has an undertow.
Yeah, my soda's so big I don't think I'll be able to drink it all.
It's really big.
******************** It is so good to see you back again on your feet, Niles.
/ Thank you, sir.
I've prepared your favorite, Belgian Waffles.
I don't recall them being my favorite.
/ Oh, then they must be mine.
It was my grandfather's recipe, served at the coronation breakfast of George the Sixth.
Mmm Eggos.
Belgian Waffles, Miss Fine.
/ Mmm, very close.
So, Maggie, you haven't told us about your date last night.
Maggie dear, your hair's in the syrup.
We had a wonderful time.
It was terrible.
I didn't have anything to say.
I sat there like a lump.
Well, so do mash potatoes and everybody likes them.
Maggie, you were great.
She's a regular riot.
Remember that really funny thing that you said about the egg cream? That was you.
/ Oh.
How 'bout that really funny joke you said about this guy and his turban? You.
/ Oh.
Well, how 'bout / You! You! You! You! You! Oh boy, was I on last night or what? Well, I'm sure it'll go better next time.
There won't be a next time because I'm never gonna see him again.
Because I'm a worthless, pathetic, unlovable nothing.
Can I have your waffles? Sweetheart, don't be so down on yourself.
Maggie, you have so much to offer.
I'm sure that's Eddie probably right now.
Yeah, right.
/ It's Master Eddie.
There.
What did I tell you? / I'm afraid it's not for Miss Margaret.
It's for you.
Me? / Yes.
You, you, you, you, you.
Hello? Yeah? Uh-huh Uh-huh Uh-huh Okay Bye, Eddie.
Oh Well? Eddie says hello.
And? / And he wants to see me Friday night.
Could you pass the syrup, please? Why don't you just take it like you take everything else? Margaret / Is this sarcasm from Margaret? Maggie, maybe we should go talk somewhere? Why don't you just talk to Eddie? / Yes, folks, it's definitely sarcasm.
And Maggie scores again! / Shut-up, Brighton.
Let's just everyone calm down.
/ No, let her vent.
It'll make her feel better.
It'll make us all feel better.
I trusted you and you stole my boyfriend! I hate you! Yeah, doesn't everybody feel better now? I know I do.
Honey, it's Daddy.
Look, if you come out of your room, we'll go to Rumplemeyers for some ice cream.
Can't you just let me die in peace?! Ice cream always used to work.
/ So did chaperoning.
What are you saying? This is all my fault? No, no, it's my fault for listening to you in the first place.
I never should have gone on that date.
Neither should Maggie.
But you pushed her into it.
I didn't push her.
/ Trust me, you pushed.
You always push.
Push, push, push.
Wait.
Are you implying that I push? Niles, who's right here? This darn cold, can't hear a thing.
Okay, so maybe I push.
But somebody has to.
Haven't you ever seen the little baby birds looking out over the edge of their nest? It's the mama bird that has to push them into the world so that they learn to fly.
Haven't you ever seen those little baby birds dead on the sidewalk? One in ten, tops.
Well, if only you'd sat in the back of the movie theater, like a proper nuchshlep.
But no, you had to go be witty and charming and make the boy like you.
Can I help it if I effervesce? Well must you make everyone like you? Even the dog preferred you over C.
C.
Oh, now that was pure animal instinct.
But it never happened with the other nannies.
With their sour dispositions and chin whiskers.
Chin whiskers? In the age of electrolysis? Oh, no excuse for that.
At least their boundaries were clear.
I don't know, sometimes you seem more like Maggie's girlfriend than her nanny.
Her girlfriend.
Oh, Mister Sheffield, you're a genius.
What did I say? / Nothing very profound, sir.
I thought you couldn't hear? / It's a miracle.
Go away! I couldn't hear you.
Did you say come in? No.
But do what you want.
You will anyway.
I brought you some Mallomars.
I'm too depressed to eat.
Gee, I wish depression had that effect on me.
Do you know how humiliated I feel? Losing my boyfriend to my nanny? Honey, I think you're too old to have a nanny.
I mean, it's okay for Brighton and Gracie, but I'd like to think of you and I more like friends.
Some friend.
Do friends steal their friend's boyfriends? Absolutely not.
I mean, take me and Val.
Sure there were plenty of times when we would meet a guy, and she would fall in love with him, and he would fall in love with me.
Or I would fall in love with him, and he would fall in love with No, that never happened.
The point is though, we never let it ruin our friendship.
And that's the Official Girlfriend's Code.
The what? You never heard of the Official Girlfriend's Code? The OGC.
No.
Oy, what do they teach you in those private schools? Rule number one: You never gossip about your best friend.
A totally moronic rule that nobody follows.
So we'll move on to rule number two.
If a girl falls for a guy and the idiot guy falls for her effervescent but totally blameless friend, then the aforementioned friend is obliged to dump him.
You would do that for me? Honey, it's the OGC.
Maybe I will have one of those Mallomars.
Rule number three: When it comes to chocolate, it's every girl for herself.
Rule number twenty-seven: Just because you're dumping someone, doesn't mean you shouldn't look your best.
Oh God, that's him.
What are we gonna do? Okay, don't worry.
I'll let him down gently.
Destroy him.
All right.
/ Can I listen? Oh sure.
What do you think the butler's pantry is for? Just looking for a ladle.
Ah, here it is.
Hello, Ed.
/ Hi.
I bought you some spare ribs.
Oh, you are some little operator, aren't you? First you ask Maggie out on a date, then you toy with her emotions, now you're bringing me pork.
What are you, some kind of delivering Don Juan? What are you talking about? Us.
Me.
You.
It's not gonna happen.
You think? Miss Fine, you're old enough to be my / Watch it.
sister.
I mean, I, I really, really like you as a friend.
Whoa, whoa.
Wait a minute.
Are you dumping me? These ribs are for dumping? No, they were more like kind of a bribe.
Oh.
For what? Well, I was hoping that maybe you could give Mister Sheffield my picture and resume.
Picture and resume? That's what you wanted to ask me? Yeah, you know, for when he casts his next show.
Well, why didn't you just ask Maggie that? Well, 'cause I really like her and I just didn't want her to think that I was using her.
Oh, but you don't mind using me? / Yes.
No, no, no, no, I mean, I, I just thought it would be easier for you 'cause you're not shy.
You're, you're / Pushy.
Exactly.
/ Give me the damn pictures.
Oh, is Maggie here? I thought maybe we could go for a walk.
One minute, I'll get her.
There are nineteen rooms in this house.
You all ended up in here? I needed a spoon.
/ I was returning the ladle.
All right, so you all heard.
I feel your pain.
Thank you.
Come, children.
So does this mean that I have to dump him since he dumped you? Technically, he didn't dump me because he never liked me in the first place.
Okay? So there's your loophole, make your move.
Thank you.
/ Go take a walk with your boyfriend, and let this pushy old broad eat her ribs in peace.
May I? Of course you can.
Have a good time.
Thank you, Dad.
Well, you're certainly singing a different tune.
Hey, if I don't open the door, she'll only sneak out the window.
Oh, that's very wise.
Yeah? Yeah, some pushy old broad told me.
Miss Babcock, sir.
/ Well, I hope she brought Chester.
Hello, all.
Oh, Chester.
C'mere.
Oh, good boy.
Oh, thank God you're okay.
You better watch it.
She may need a muff.
Oh, it's so great that you love to floss.
I mean, you only get two sets of teeth.
Except my cousin Ira, he got three.
But you know, he's a freak of nature.
Here we go.
Oh, and look at you.
Oh, how beautiful.
You'll never have gum disease.
Yes.
You know they also make a cinnamon floss.
They make this great mint flavor.
You like that.
I wish the children flossed like you.
I'm gonna tell Miss Babcock to buy you a whole case of dental floss.