The Oblongs (2011) s01e04 Episode Script
Pickles' Li'l Amazons
Oblongs, Oblongs Down in the valley where a chemical spill Came from the people living up on the Hill There's a family by the landfill with hazardous foam In their happy glowing home Oblongs l'm hungry.
l don't like these foodless meals.
-Shut your stomach up.
-lt's not my stomach, it's your stomach.
Boys, please.
You know there's only one stomach 'twixt the two of you.
Pickles, dear, any luck finding something to eat? Because we're all-- lf you love me, why not share your love handle? -Hey, l found some croutons.
-Good Lord, serve them up.
Honey, these are dice.
Excuse me, do you take this stool softener internally or just apply it directly to the stool? l'd like two pounds of flank steak suitable for braising.
And no bovine growth hormone.
l don't need another one of these.
-Cleanup on aisle nine.
Cleanup on aisle-- -Get them off! Get them off! Hallelujah, l'm home.
As soon as we get home, Mommy's gonna spend some quality time with you.
Oh, boy.
Hello? Oh, no, that's impossible.
Beth is right-- We'll be right down.
Pickles, did you forget Beth again? l could've sworn she drove us home.
Careful there, little lady.
That's mace.
My retina! Oh, she really got you there, J.
J.
Get him out of here.
Beth.
Oh, baby, Mommy's so sorry.
l hope you don't think us terrible parents.
Well, we don't expect much from you valley folk.
But you might wanna consider having your wife spayed.
-lsn't that just for dogs? -Horses too.
This ain't the first time this has happened.
-You'd best learn to keep an eye on them.
-l think l can take care of my child.
Yo, Beth, see you on the outside.
Don't be no one's bitch.
l'm a horrible mother.
Now, you stop that.
You know perfectly well you're a fairly good mother.
Saturday, visit the Botanical Gardens.
I know it sounds boring, but listen to my voice.
Do I sound bored? Goodness, no.
Why? Because the flesh-eating Phallu-montus plant is coming to-- -Hill Valley.
-It's long.
It eats.
It's long.
So come on down and see the Phallu-montus.
Also, Grand Funk Railroad.
l'll bet Beth would love to see that.
Sure, let's all go.
We'll have a family day.
l meanthat sounds like fun.
Gadzooks, this is exciting.
They've got the hall of seeds the world's tiniest log and an interactive exhibit where you can rake your own leaf.
Lordy, where to start? How about we start the car and drive someplace fun? Okay, mister, that goes on your permanent sass record.
Don't worry about Beth.
Today she gets my full attention.
Honey.
Beth.
Beth, honey.
Oh, thank God.
l've been lost in here for so long.
Do you have any news from the outside? l don't know.
Rouge is called blush now.
Madness.
Madness.
Why are all those guys so excited about photosynthesis? Well, son, l imagine they're trying to slake their thirst for knowledge.
As the sun's energy causes the carbon oxygen bond to vibrate faster and faster and faster and faster-- -Professor Jodi-- -Shut up! Cool, it's gonna lurch.
That's the grossest thing l've ever seen.
-Let's do it again.
-Yeah.
Beth, l said wait for Mommy.
Where are we? Beth, you've got to calm down.
-Okay.
Can l finish your espresso? -Sure.
-Hey, sugar.
How's it going? -Our little girl is a handful.
But l never let her out of my sight.
Oh, my God! Somebody save that child! Beth, swing to Mommy.
Aim for my bosom.
You saw it, folks.
lt was self-defense.
Plant a knife on that thing.
Officer, arrest that woman.
She's an unfit mother and a whore to boot.
The lady's white and she's got a Bible.
We better do what she says.
-But, sheriff.
-Sorry, Mrs.
Oblong, just doing my job.
Plant a knife on her.
Mrs.
Oblong, you have left your daughter at the mall an off-track betting parlor, in a giblet bucket at the slaughterhouse -Akron, Ohio-- -Your honor -if the mother's unfit, you must acquit.
-Sweetie, that doesn't make sense.
lt doesn't have to.
lt rhymes.
Mrs.
Oblong, you need to learn to be a more responsible parent.
l therefore sentence you to community service as a den mother to your local Little Amazon troop.
-Did you hear me? -Yeah, yeah, l heard you.
We don't want any cookies.
Go away.
Mom, that's your Little Amazon troop.
You know, your 200 hours of community service? They're all that stands between you and doing a nickel in the joint.
My girls, come in, come in.
Mrs.
Oblong, as spokesperson for Troop 1 3 l just want to express our sincere appreciation for being our den mother.
Does anyone know what the hell she just said? Two hundred hours, starting now.
Welcome, Little Amazons.
l am Verdelle Diver, your regional coordinator.
lf you're like me, you'll find that Amazoning can open up exciting new worlds and lifestyles.
In 1 91 4, our founder, Beatrice Douche and her friend, Blacksmith Lil set out on a journey of self-discovery that would one day become the Little Amazons.
The organization really blossomed when the scourge of war sent our fighting men off to kill in foreign lands.
With the men gone, Beatrice and her Little Amazons turned their sights to domestic chores and comforting one another.
Sadly, the war ended and the men returned.
Since then, the Little Amazons have come to stand for honor, duty and the delicious wonder of the girl-on-girl bond.
Good luck and goddess bless.
You must be a Little Amazon because you're much too young to be a den mother.
You're barking up the wrong tree, Mac.
Time will tell.
So the valley kids have finally got a den mother.
-Now they're an official troop.
-Not so fast.
-Hello, Pristine.
-Pickles.
Unfortunately, the bylaws clearly stipulate that a troop must consist of five or more girls, and she only has four.
l say four because that's only a half, and that's at least one and a half.
Well, it was fun while it lasted, girls.
Don't be strangers.
But Mommy, l wanna be an "Anamanazon.
" l'm sorry, honey.
lt's not as if we can build a girl out of spare parts.
lt's true.
l've tried.
Maybe there's another way.
-Well, what's the other way? -Oh, right, right.
l really, really, really don't wanna do this.
Come on, sweetie.
You're a stone-cold fox.
-Yeah, but all the guys will think-- Really? -Absolutely.
l've never done better work.
-l've got a wedgy.
-lt's a thong.
Relax and accept the string.
Congratulations, you're a troop.
Here, have some merit badges.
l got hygiene.
ln all good conscience, l can't accept this.
None of us can.
They're supposed to be a reward for hard work.
Hard work, eh? Come on, l'm dirty.
Put some elbow grease into it.
Hey, little girl.
Need a hand? -Hi, Dad.
-Steady, man.
He's still a human being.
Son, l want you to know l'm not disgusted.
l support you and love you.
l don't know how l'm going to explain this to your mother.
Mom did this to me.
They always do.
Okay, girls, what do you wanna wax today, the floors or me? -What about the cookie drive? -Cookie drive? Yeah, we have to sell cookies to earn our entry fee for the jamboree.
Jambor-- Does this crap ever end? lt's not crap.
This is good stuff.
All right, l've been crocheting and loving it.
How cute is this? lt's adorable, Milo.
l wonder if you'd mind crocheting me a noose so l can hang myself.
-l'll take it.
-But we didn't tell you what we're selling.
-l don't care.
l'm a pleaser.
-Score.
You just bought the whole wagon, bright eyes.
Someone ate the cookies.
Well, well, if it isn't Mr.
Denzel Washington come back to beg for my forgiveness.
Sir, l'm just a little boy in drag selling cookies.
This house is made of Play-Doh.
l got 400 honeybees in the parlor.
-Let's get out of here! -Denzel, come on back.
Eskimo kisses.
Well, I don't know, but I've been told Marry a man who's rich and old Sound off One, two, three, four One, two, three, four We've sold three pallets of cookies.
-How are your little trolls doing? -l ate three pallets.
You losers will never raise enough money to go to the jamboree.
You're the losers.
Okay, so maybe you are pretty and rich and smart and popular.
l'm done talking now.
Ciao, Pickles.
We'll send you a postcard from the jamboree.
At the double time, prissy skip.
Well, I don't know, but it's been said Don't sign a prenup when you wed The Debbies are right.
We are losers.
No, you're not.
None of you are.
And if you girls wanna go to the jamboree, then, by God, you're gonna go.
No matter how gay it is.
lt's too late now.
We'll never raise 500 dollars in time.
Maybe not selling cookies.
lf you wanna earn some quick scratch, there's no place better than the big city.
-Does everyone have their parts down? -Here comes a good mark.
-Hi, kids.
-Mr.
Bergstein l just won eleven-ty million dollars.
Wow, l sure could go for some easy cash.
Two hundred and seventy-four dollars and my suit of clothes.
l guess l won't starve as long as l've got that walnut tree.
The subway station is sucker city.
Observe.
You poor, unfortunate creature.
Yeah, it's not easy being blind.
Oh, my God.
You're blind too? Here, take it all.
l saw the whole thing.
You're gonna pay, mister.
You ran over that poor little girl.
Oh, my God.
Pickles, what have l done? Oh, Bob.
Never mind.
What about Peggy? Will she be okay? Oh, Lord, what made me think l could drive? Well, Pristine, these girls may just give you a run for your money at the jamboree games.
Yeah, we're gonna wipe your butts.
We'll just see who does the wiping.
l'm a little nervous about this jamboree, Bob.
These girls are depending on me.
Don't worry, sug-y.
We'll get through it together.
What do you mean, we? Oh, l thought l'd come along and, you know, do everything.
-You don't think l can do this, do you? -Don't be silly.
Now stuff me in your backpack, but watch out for the spork.
Let me tell you something.
These are my girls and l'm not gonna let them down.
Now if you'll excuse me, we've got a jamboree to win.
Hey, you're not Little Amazons.
Duh.
We're the Theatracats.
We're on our way to see Les Mis.
Welcome to the jamboree games.
A test of your ability to survive in the wilderness while maintaining the poise and dignity of a lady.
That was some road trip.
Where's the crapper? My girls have prepared a lovely pine cone tartare accented with grub worm chutney and just a soupçon of pond scum.
And for dessert, beaver whiskers.
Bravo, girls.
Gorgeous spread.
Next up, Troop 1 3.
Don't touch her.
Throw dirt on her.
More dirt! Stop.
Stop.
l'm really drowning.
That horribly ugly little girl is a horribly ugly little boy.
A man in our midst.
That's the ultimate offense.
You are all hereby banished from the Little Amazons for life.
You are not certified to drink your own urine.
Sorry, girls.
l did my best.
l didn't know it would.
Now are we losers, Mommy? Just me, honey.
Our team's number one Your team's number two Come on, everybody Do the Debbie boogaloo Debbie stole the cookie From the cookie jar -Who, me? -Yes, you -Couldn't be -Then who? Debbie stole the cookie From the cookie jar We believe the children Are the future Teach us well And let us lead the way l can't take it anymore.
Out.
Get out! Every one of you fluff balls, out, out, out! Don't be scared, girls.
At least we're out of the wilderness.
Queer.
Here, take my money.
Just don't fondle me.
Not a problem, ma'am.
l'm as gay as springtime.
Why didn't you do something? That was all my money.
Okay, girls, we know what to do in the big city.
Beth, check out that tag.
This is the turf of the Ninth Street Shriners.
All right, everybody watch out for drive-bys in tiny cars.
l left my brassiere at camp.
Anyway, we've gotta get out of here.
Now which way is home? lt's chipped beef and chemical castration night at the north end shelter which means those bums are racing due south.
We go east.
lf you wanna live, come with us.
Oh, yeah.
Boss me, butchie.
-Nice work, kid.
-Ain't no thing.
l can't go on.
l'm weak from hunger.
We're all going to starve in this icky alley.
l'm too blond to die.
Pristine, get ahold of yourself.
-l'm okay now.
-l'll tell you when you're okay.
All right, happy hour's over.
What does that mean, girls? The bars are getting rid of their leftover buffalo wings.
And assorted tangy sauces.
This way.
All right, the highway.
Get those thumbs out, girls.
Nice leg beard.
We can only fit one of you.
We'll take her.
Don't worry, Pristine.
Truck drivers are the modern-day cowboy.
Party.
We might as well just give up.
We're never going to get home.
Look.
Semper fi.
And so it is my honor to present you all with a special new merit badge for urban survival.
Congratulations.
l'm proud of you, dear.
And l'm tickled pink you're not a transvestite.
Thanks for everything, Mrs.
Oblong.
Will you still be our den mother? Gosh, l don't know what to say.
These last few weeks have been so wonderful.
l've learned about love, responsibility, sisterhood-- That's 200 hours.
See you.
Don't worry, she'll get arrested again soon.
BloodLogic [ENGLlSH.]
l don't like these foodless meals.
-Shut your stomach up.
-lt's not my stomach, it's your stomach.
Boys, please.
You know there's only one stomach 'twixt the two of you.
Pickles, dear, any luck finding something to eat? Because we're all-- lf you love me, why not share your love handle? -Hey, l found some croutons.
-Good Lord, serve them up.
Honey, these are dice.
Excuse me, do you take this stool softener internally or just apply it directly to the stool? l'd like two pounds of flank steak suitable for braising.
And no bovine growth hormone.
l don't need another one of these.
-Cleanup on aisle nine.
Cleanup on aisle-- -Get them off! Get them off! Hallelujah, l'm home.
As soon as we get home, Mommy's gonna spend some quality time with you.
Oh, boy.
Hello? Oh, no, that's impossible.
Beth is right-- We'll be right down.
Pickles, did you forget Beth again? l could've sworn she drove us home.
Careful there, little lady.
That's mace.
My retina! Oh, she really got you there, J.
J.
Get him out of here.
Beth.
Oh, baby, Mommy's so sorry.
l hope you don't think us terrible parents.
Well, we don't expect much from you valley folk.
But you might wanna consider having your wife spayed.
-lsn't that just for dogs? -Horses too.
This ain't the first time this has happened.
-You'd best learn to keep an eye on them.
-l think l can take care of my child.
Yo, Beth, see you on the outside.
Don't be no one's bitch.
l'm a horrible mother.
Now, you stop that.
You know perfectly well you're a fairly good mother.
Saturday, visit the Botanical Gardens.
I know it sounds boring, but listen to my voice.
Do I sound bored? Goodness, no.
Why? Because the flesh-eating Phallu-montus plant is coming to-- -Hill Valley.
-It's long.
It eats.
It's long.
So come on down and see the Phallu-montus.
Also, Grand Funk Railroad.
l'll bet Beth would love to see that.
Sure, let's all go.
We'll have a family day.
l meanthat sounds like fun.
Gadzooks, this is exciting.
They've got the hall of seeds the world's tiniest log and an interactive exhibit where you can rake your own leaf.
Lordy, where to start? How about we start the car and drive someplace fun? Okay, mister, that goes on your permanent sass record.
Don't worry about Beth.
Today she gets my full attention.
Honey.
Beth.
Beth, honey.
Oh, thank God.
l've been lost in here for so long.
Do you have any news from the outside? l don't know.
Rouge is called blush now.
Madness.
Madness.
Why are all those guys so excited about photosynthesis? Well, son, l imagine they're trying to slake their thirst for knowledge.
As the sun's energy causes the carbon oxygen bond to vibrate faster and faster and faster and faster-- -Professor Jodi-- -Shut up! Cool, it's gonna lurch.
That's the grossest thing l've ever seen.
-Let's do it again.
-Yeah.
Beth, l said wait for Mommy.
Where are we? Beth, you've got to calm down.
-Okay.
Can l finish your espresso? -Sure.
-Hey, sugar.
How's it going? -Our little girl is a handful.
But l never let her out of my sight.
Oh, my God! Somebody save that child! Beth, swing to Mommy.
Aim for my bosom.
You saw it, folks.
lt was self-defense.
Plant a knife on that thing.
Officer, arrest that woman.
She's an unfit mother and a whore to boot.
The lady's white and she's got a Bible.
We better do what she says.
-But, sheriff.
-Sorry, Mrs.
Oblong, just doing my job.
Plant a knife on her.
Mrs.
Oblong, you have left your daughter at the mall an off-track betting parlor, in a giblet bucket at the slaughterhouse -Akron, Ohio-- -Your honor -if the mother's unfit, you must acquit.
-Sweetie, that doesn't make sense.
lt doesn't have to.
lt rhymes.
Mrs.
Oblong, you need to learn to be a more responsible parent.
l therefore sentence you to community service as a den mother to your local Little Amazon troop.
-Did you hear me? -Yeah, yeah, l heard you.
We don't want any cookies.
Go away.
Mom, that's your Little Amazon troop.
You know, your 200 hours of community service? They're all that stands between you and doing a nickel in the joint.
My girls, come in, come in.
Mrs.
Oblong, as spokesperson for Troop 1 3 l just want to express our sincere appreciation for being our den mother.
Does anyone know what the hell she just said? Two hundred hours, starting now.
Welcome, Little Amazons.
l am Verdelle Diver, your regional coordinator.
lf you're like me, you'll find that Amazoning can open up exciting new worlds and lifestyles.
In 1 91 4, our founder, Beatrice Douche and her friend, Blacksmith Lil set out on a journey of self-discovery that would one day become the Little Amazons.
The organization really blossomed when the scourge of war sent our fighting men off to kill in foreign lands.
With the men gone, Beatrice and her Little Amazons turned their sights to domestic chores and comforting one another.
Sadly, the war ended and the men returned.
Since then, the Little Amazons have come to stand for honor, duty and the delicious wonder of the girl-on-girl bond.
Good luck and goddess bless.
You must be a Little Amazon because you're much too young to be a den mother.
You're barking up the wrong tree, Mac.
Time will tell.
So the valley kids have finally got a den mother.
-Now they're an official troop.
-Not so fast.
-Hello, Pristine.
-Pickles.
Unfortunately, the bylaws clearly stipulate that a troop must consist of five or more girls, and she only has four.
l say four because that's only a half, and that's at least one and a half.
Well, it was fun while it lasted, girls.
Don't be strangers.
But Mommy, l wanna be an "Anamanazon.
" l'm sorry, honey.
lt's not as if we can build a girl out of spare parts.
lt's true.
l've tried.
Maybe there's another way.
-Well, what's the other way? -Oh, right, right.
l really, really, really don't wanna do this.
Come on, sweetie.
You're a stone-cold fox.
-Yeah, but all the guys will think-- Really? -Absolutely.
l've never done better work.
-l've got a wedgy.
-lt's a thong.
Relax and accept the string.
Congratulations, you're a troop.
Here, have some merit badges.
l got hygiene.
ln all good conscience, l can't accept this.
None of us can.
They're supposed to be a reward for hard work.
Hard work, eh? Come on, l'm dirty.
Put some elbow grease into it.
Hey, little girl.
Need a hand? -Hi, Dad.
-Steady, man.
He's still a human being.
Son, l want you to know l'm not disgusted.
l support you and love you.
l don't know how l'm going to explain this to your mother.
Mom did this to me.
They always do.
Okay, girls, what do you wanna wax today, the floors or me? -What about the cookie drive? -Cookie drive? Yeah, we have to sell cookies to earn our entry fee for the jamboree.
Jambor-- Does this crap ever end? lt's not crap.
This is good stuff.
All right, l've been crocheting and loving it.
How cute is this? lt's adorable, Milo.
l wonder if you'd mind crocheting me a noose so l can hang myself.
-l'll take it.
-But we didn't tell you what we're selling.
-l don't care.
l'm a pleaser.
-Score.
You just bought the whole wagon, bright eyes.
Someone ate the cookies.
Well, well, if it isn't Mr.
Denzel Washington come back to beg for my forgiveness.
Sir, l'm just a little boy in drag selling cookies.
This house is made of Play-Doh.
l got 400 honeybees in the parlor.
-Let's get out of here! -Denzel, come on back.
Eskimo kisses.
Well, I don't know, but I've been told Marry a man who's rich and old Sound off One, two, three, four One, two, three, four We've sold three pallets of cookies.
-How are your little trolls doing? -l ate three pallets.
You losers will never raise enough money to go to the jamboree.
You're the losers.
Okay, so maybe you are pretty and rich and smart and popular.
l'm done talking now.
Ciao, Pickles.
We'll send you a postcard from the jamboree.
At the double time, prissy skip.
Well, I don't know, but it's been said Don't sign a prenup when you wed The Debbies are right.
We are losers.
No, you're not.
None of you are.
And if you girls wanna go to the jamboree, then, by God, you're gonna go.
No matter how gay it is.
lt's too late now.
We'll never raise 500 dollars in time.
Maybe not selling cookies.
lf you wanna earn some quick scratch, there's no place better than the big city.
-Does everyone have their parts down? -Here comes a good mark.
-Hi, kids.
-Mr.
Bergstein l just won eleven-ty million dollars.
Wow, l sure could go for some easy cash.
Two hundred and seventy-four dollars and my suit of clothes.
l guess l won't starve as long as l've got that walnut tree.
The subway station is sucker city.
Observe.
You poor, unfortunate creature.
Yeah, it's not easy being blind.
Oh, my God.
You're blind too? Here, take it all.
l saw the whole thing.
You're gonna pay, mister.
You ran over that poor little girl.
Oh, my God.
Pickles, what have l done? Oh, Bob.
Never mind.
What about Peggy? Will she be okay? Oh, Lord, what made me think l could drive? Well, Pristine, these girls may just give you a run for your money at the jamboree games.
Yeah, we're gonna wipe your butts.
We'll just see who does the wiping.
l'm a little nervous about this jamboree, Bob.
These girls are depending on me.
Don't worry, sug-y.
We'll get through it together.
What do you mean, we? Oh, l thought l'd come along and, you know, do everything.
-You don't think l can do this, do you? -Don't be silly.
Now stuff me in your backpack, but watch out for the spork.
Let me tell you something.
These are my girls and l'm not gonna let them down.
Now if you'll excuse me, we've got a jamboree to win.
Hey, you're not Little Amazons.
Duh.
We're the Theatracats.
We're on our way to see Les Mis.
Welcome to the jamboree games.
A test of your ability to survive in the wilderness while maintaining the poise and dignity of a lady.
That was some road trip.
Where's the crapper? My girls have prepared a lovely pine cone tartare accented with grub worm chutney and just a soupçon of pond scum.
And for dessert, beaver whiskers.
Bravo, girls.
Gorgeous spread.
Next up, Troop 1 3.
Don't touch her.
Throw dirt on her.
More dirt! Stop.
Stop.
l'm really drowning.
That horribly ugly little girl is a horribly ugly little boy.
A man in our midst.
That's the ultimate offense.
You are all hereby banished from the Little Amazons for life.
You are not certified to drink your own urine.
Sorry, girls.
l did my best.
l didn't know it would.
Now are we losers, Mommy? Just me, honey.
Our team's number one Your team's number two Come on, everybody Do the Debbie boogaloo Debbie stole the cookie From the cookie jar -Who, me? -Yes, you -Couldn't be -Then who? Debbie stole the cookie From the cookie jar We believe the children Are the future Teach us well And let us lead the way l can't take it anymore.
Out.
Get out! Every one of you fluff balls, out, out, out! Don't be scared, girls.
At least we're out of the wilderness.
Queer.
Here, take my money.
Just don't fondle me.
Not a problem, ma'am.
l'm as gay as springtime.
Why didn't you do something? That was all my money.
Okay, girls, we know what to do in the big city.
Beth, check out that tag.
This is the turf of the Ninth Street Shriners.
All right, everybody watch out for drive-bys in tiny cars.
l left my brassiere at camp.
Anyway, we've gotta get out of here.
Now which way is home? lt's chipped beef and chemical castration night at the north end shelter which means those bums are racing due south.
We go east.
lf you wanna live, come with us.
Oh, yeah.
Boss me, butchie.
-Nice work, kid.
-Ain't no thing.
l can't go on.
l'm weak from hunger.
We're all going to starve in this icky alley.
l'm too blond to die.
Pristine, get ahold of yourself.
-l'm okay now.
-l'll tell you when you're okay.
All right, happy hour's over.
What does that mean, girls? The bars are getting rid of their leftover buffalo wings.
And assorted tangy sauces.
This way.
All right, the highway.
Get those thumbs out, girls.
Nice leg beard.
We can only fit one of you.
We'll take her.
Don't worry, Pristine.
Truck drivers are the modern-day cowboy.
Party.
We might as well just give up.
We're never going to get home.
Look.
Semper fi.
And so it is my honor to present you all with a special new merit badge for urban survival.
Congratulations.
l'm proud of you, dear.
And l'm tickled pink you're not a transvestite.
Thanks for everything, Mrs.
Oblong.
Will you still be our den mother? Gosh, l don't know what to say.
These last few weeks have been so wonderful.
l've learned about love, responsibility, sisterhood-- That's 200 hours.
See you.
Don't worry, she'll get arrested again soon.
BloodLogic [ENGLlSH.]