The Old Guys (2009) s01e04 Episode Script
Sally's Old Flame
1 Oh, Tom, could you stop doing that? Yeah, I could but obviously I won't though, will I? Be realistic.
Well, I'm doing your tidying here.
It's your TURN.
Do you think I type up the housework rotas for fun? The hoover's broken.
What do you want me to to do, Roy? Suck the dust up through my nose? I can't do that, I'm not a cartoon.
Look at this room, though.
I mean, supposing someone comes round? But who? Who are all these hundreds of people that are gonna come round? We're not hosting the G8 or dealing heroin.
Amber or Sally.
Sally hasn't been round for weeks.
She's stopped coming to see us.
I know.
I miss lovely Sally.
I, I miss her fragrance.
Mmm.
She smells great, doesn't she? Sometimes I just like to stand really close and breathe in.
So, you're not going to tidy up? Yeah, in a bit! I've got to sort out the ringtones on my new phone.
Oh, these are all rubbish! They haven't got the Rockford Files ring.
I like that one, it makes me feel American.
Now, that one's not bad.
Sort of familiar.
That is the doorbell, Tom.
Hello, Amber.
Roy.
Everything all right? Looks like everything's all right, you're not crying.
Have I told you about my acting course? Yes! No, I don't think you have, actually, Amber.
Cheers, Roy! It's bloody fantastic.
Is this, um Amateur dramatics? No, Roy.
It's not just pretending to be other people on a stage, in front of an audience.
That's not acting.
Oh, isn't it? Acting is about finding truth.
We improv, we play trust games.
Oh, I get it.
"Take your top off, love, trust me, I went to RADA.
" Emotional phlegm.
And I need to hoik it up and spit it out.
Amber, I'm eating a cheese slice here! I want to spend more time with you, Dad, and talk.
About us, the past Mum.
Really talk.
Talk.
OK.
What's your favourite section of the Sunday Times? Why have you never told me you love me? Yes, Tom, why have you never said that? Well, a) shut up, Roy.
And b) Of course I've said it.
No.
Never have.
Never ever.
Oh, all right then.
I lurve you.
Ohhh, you just can't say it properly, can you? And that has been the cause of every single problem I've had in my entire life.
So we need to get this sorted, right? Well, I can't say it now because it would seem forced.
I need to surprise you.
Oh.
OK.
See, now you're waiting for it.
I'll tell you I love you when I'm dying.
That's what men do.
Don't spoil it for me, Amber.
Why do we have to go to an actual shop to get a Hoover? Shops are for idiots.
Everything you'll ever need to buy is on the internet for £30 cheaper.
£30, Roy.
This is a huge act of lunacy.
I like to actually touch something before I buy it.
Well, what good will touching a Hoover do? They're not like avocados, one won't be firmer or softer than the other.
D'you remember the, er, turkey that you bought from the online butcher? Oh, here we go, this again.
12 people for Christmas dinner and we serve up stuffed thrush.
One turkey, Roy, and you go on and on about it like I murdered Bobby Kennedy.
Ah, now this is something we could get for the summer.
Ah, yeah.
A nice barbecue.
Oh, yeah, I might have known you'd be into barbecues.
Only vulgar, middle-brow tits have barbecues.
Why make a massive deal about cooking food in a particular way? You don't say, "Come round on Sunday, we're having a boil! "We're having a big old boil, outdoors, in a huge pot.
"Boiled eggs, gammon, cabbage, carrots "You name it, we're boiling up all kinds of crap.
" You know, Tom, I really don't know why you're my friend if I'm such an idiot and a lunatic and a tit.
Hello, lovely neighbours! Hello, Sally.
Hi, Sally.
Long time no coming round at all for a little over three weeks now.
Oh, I know.
I'm so sorry.
I'm dreadful, aren't I? I'm a dreadful, dreadful woman.
No! The truth is I Well, to put it bluntly I'm in love.
No.
I've hooked up with an old flame, Mark.
We had a very intense relationship about 20 years ago.
Well, long story short, we've rekindled the flame and Mark's moved in.
Moved in? To YOUR house? Is that wise? People change.
Yeah, he might pick his feet or be really homophobic.
Oh, no, he's the same old Mark.
Caring, funny, sexy, clever, charismatic and And as strong as an ox.
He sounds Great.
We're sprucing up the back of the house.
I've already replaced the windows.
What with? New windows.
Replacement windows.
Of course.
Classic.
And I thought I'd get Mark a shed.
A man needs a shed, doesn't he? I might grab one of these barbecues as well.
Yeah, barbecues are great, aren't they? I love 'em.
Hang on Listen, do you need any advice on sheds? Because I happen to know literally everything there is to know about sheds.
Yes, thanks, Tom.
How come you're such a shed expert? I lived in one for nine months in 1985.
Magic days.
You're not spying on Sally and Mark AGAIN, are you, Tom? No way.
Anyway, it's not spying, it's just magnified looking.
Hold up There he is.
The arse.
A big hairy arse.
Look at the size of him.
He's huge.
He's like two men in one shirt.
Sally did say he was very strong.
He's grotesquely well built.
I can't compete with two men.
I've lost Sally.
You never had Sally.
You can't lose something that was never yours.
It's like saying you lost my hair.
Why is she with that arse? You don't know he's an arse, you've never met him.
Oh, he's an arse, Roy.
He's got arse written all over his face.
Bugger! He's seen me! He's coming over! Here, you answer the door, yeah? What? Hang on He's going to hit me for spying.
And he really is like an ox, like Sally said.
Don't let the ox hurt me, Roy! You are pathetic! I'll hide.
Say he couldn't have seen me at the window.
Say I'm in the hospital with a bowel thing.
Hi.
Is your mate with you? No.
He's He's in hospital.
Er, with his bowels.
Good thing he remembered to take them with him.
I'm Mark, I've just moved into Sally's place.
Oh Roy.
Er, Roy Bowden.
I was just wondering if Tom could help me put up my new shed.
Sally seems to think he's some kind of shed guru.
But since he's not around I could help if you like.
Yeah? Great.
Thanks, Roy.
See you in a minute, then.
Oh, lovely.
Nice one, Roy.
I heard that, he hadn't seen me at all, the big defective meathead.
Why did you say you'd help him build his shed? You really are a sucker sometimes.
I know I am, Tom.
It'll take hours.
Hours and hours in sexy Sally's company.
How terrible for me.
What a huge, idiotic, lunatic, tit I am.
Goodbye.
This ham really is wafer thin, Roy.
They're not joking.
It's not all PR and spin.
Look, I can actually watch the telly through my ham.
It's all pink.
I like it.
You're going to play tennis.
Oh! You've caught me out, Tom.
Who are you playing with? You only ever play tennis with me.
We do our special tennis where no-one's ever out and the ball can bounce twice.
Yes, well, today I'm playing proper tennis with Mark.
I presume Sally's gonna be there? No, actually, this is just Mark and me.
This is guy time.
But I thought you were only using Mark to get close to Sally.
Well, maybe I was, Tom, but I like him.
We're friends.
Mates.
Oh, don't be stupid.
I'm your mate.
And you're leaving me here on my own.
Well, yes! The lunatic idiot that you don't like any more is going out.
I thought you'd be pleased.
Oh, come on, Roy, I didn't mean that.
You can't believe every word I say.
I'm not Jesus.
No, but what you did say, Tom, really hurt.
'Tom's phone! Tom's phone! 'This is Tom's phone! 'Tom's phone is ringing! Pick up the phone, Tom!' Is that my phone? I see you've recorded your own ringtone.
Yeah.
I like it.
It's even better than Rockford.
Oh, bugger - it's Amber.
And then we played this trust game where you fall backwards, Actually physically fall backwards And another actor catches you.
And I felt it was like a metaphor for that time when you and I were in Brighton, remember? Er, not really, no.
When I fell backwards and you didn't catch me? Right.
Um, Amber? Yes, Dad? How's my hair looking? It's fine.
So are you going to say it That you love me? Of course I'm going to say it.
That goes without saying.
Or rather it doesn't, because I am going to say it.
After Sally's gone.
Sally's coming over? Yeah, because she's an actress, and I thought you could pick her brains about, you know, all this stuff you've been banging on interestingly about for hours.
Bollocks, Dad.
You want her here, not me.
I'm just your bait.
I'm a piece of cheese in your trap or a A worm on your hook.
You think I'm a cheese-worm don't you, Dad? Well, I am no-one's cheese-worm.
If I'm anyone's cheese-worm, I'm my own cheese-worm.
Look, Amber.
Sally's got this new man in her life and it's made me realise that I love her.
Not just fancy her.
This is a proper, honking, big love.
It's the sort of love that Shakespeare and Barry White were always on about.
You love her more than you love me? No, it's different.
With family it's more like, "God, I hope she doesn't go under a bus.
" And I would, by the way, be gutted, really gutted, if you went under a bus.
Thanks! That'll be her! How do I look? Like a self-obsessed berk.
Yeah, but the hair? Concentrate mainly on the hair.
Wow, Roy, you're pretty fit.
Pretty fly for an old guy! Well, I, I try to stay active.
Anything to avoid the dreaded mobility scooter.
My friend Dennis has one and when he stops outside the supermarket the little kids climb on board thinking he's a Postman Pat ride.
How's your mate Tom? How are his dicky bowels? Oh, they're on the mend.
Actually, he's a bit jealous that I've come to play tennis with you.
From what you and Sal say, your mate Tom sounds like a bit of a cock.
Is he a cock? No, he's a very complicated man.
Roy, if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it's a cock.
Well, that's a very interesting motto, certainly, but I think it's your serve now.
Actually, Roy I'm feeling a bit dizzy.
I might just sit down for a couple of minutes.
That's low blood sugar! Let's get an ice lolly from the stall.
It'll cool you down, perk you up.
OK.
Ice lolly, then back to the match.
Good man, good man.
I see you've got The Rasta Cookbook.
Yes, yes, I'm very interested in other cultures.
He thought it said "pasta".
He refuses to wear his glasses.
So, you were saying, Amber, you've been using a lot of poetry in these workshops.
Mmm, mmm.
Oh, I love poetry.
It's proper literature isn't it? Because you hardly ever know what they're going on about.
Do you have a favourite? Er Auden.
Oh! Auden is the best poet there has ever been.
I don't know why people still bother to write poetry cos he did it all.
Good old Auden.
He's dead now, probably, but nevertheless, bloody good.
"Funeral Blues".
I know it's a cliche because of Four Weddings.
Oh, it is so moving.
"Stop all the clocks.
" Clocks.
"Cut off the telephone.
" Telephone.
"Prevent the dog from barking" etc, etc.
You know, I love that poem.
I think that is the only poem that I know off by heart.
Actually Amber, do you know what? I've got a spare ticket for the matinee at the National.
Do you want to come? Oh, I'd love to.
I know a good way in that avoids the homeless chaps.
Welcome home, Roy! My big mate, Roy.
Look, I'm hoovering! And I've tidied up! Ta-daaa! There's a "Taste The Difference" shepherd's pie in the oven and I've got us some DVDs.
An Inconvenient Truth, Herbie Goes Bananas and a porno.
Something for everyone.
Mark is dead.
What? Mark died.
Er, he er He collapsed on the tennis court.
Um, stroke.
He's gone, Tom.
You're joking.
We'd been playing, and then we stopped for an ice lolly, and then we played some more and then he just, er, he kind of crumpled.
The ambulance was Are you smiling? You're smiling.
No, God.
It's awful.
Mark dead? Dreadful.
It's a Diana moment, isn't it? You'll always remember where you were when you found out he was dead.
Well, I was staring at his corpse, so yes, I imagine I might! Tell you what, let's watch a DVD, yeah? Let's watch Herbie going bananas.
That'll cheer you up.
He really loses it.
My friend has died, Tom.
I don't want to watch a talking car.
I'm going to my room.
Yeah, well, Herbie doesn't actually talk, Roy.
That's a very common misconception.
It was just the suddenness.
I know.
It makes you realise how unexpectedly this brief candle that we are can just go out.
Even quite a big candle, like Mark was.
Mark had been in South Africa for twenty years so there's no immediate family left here.
I'm in charge of everything.
So what what sort of service will it be? Anglican.
Mark was an Episcopalian.
Right, that's where you just eat fish, isn't it? Actually, Roy, I was wondering would you agree to be a pallbearer? And read a poem? Not at the same time? Because that would be No.
Separately.
No, of course, Sally.
Mark really enjoyed your company.
He said you were a "top bloke".
Well, he was a top bloke.
Here's the poem.
Excuse me.
Well, aren't you the chosen one? Well, you didn't know him, Tom.
You called him an arse and you hid from him in the toilet.
Yeah, well at least I didn't murder him.
I didn't murder Mark! Oh, sure you didn't.
He was all blown up and ready to pop and you just happened to be the pin.
"Here you go Mark, run around for a bit, "have an orange Mivvi that'll freeze the blood vessels in your brain "then run around a bit more.
" Mark had a stroke.
You can't cause a stroke with an ice lolly.
Can you? See! You did murder him! Look, don't talk about this here.
Sally might hear us and the poor woman is going through hell.
Yeah? Well, you should've thought about that before you Mivvied her boyfriend to death.
I'd like to thank everyone for coming today.
Those of you who've made the trip over from South Africa, and also all you "oldies" who knew Mark and me in the bohemian Twickenham days.
Sadly, since he'd come back to England, Mark hadn't had the chance to make many new friends, but one "top bloke" he did get to know was Roy Bowden.
And Roy will now read my and Mark's favourite poem.
Roy? Sally I'm I, I, I don't think that I can do this.
I, I'm so sorry.
I, I just feel too emotional.
I understand completely.
Don't worry.
Maybe Tom could read it? Yeah, I'm not that great with poems.
But it's Auden's "Funeral Blues".
You know that off by heart, don't you, Dad? I'd love to, obviously, but I might forget it in front of all these people.
That's all right, Tom.
Take my words mate.
I haven't got my glasses with me so I might be a bit rusty.
But I'll do my best for Marky.
Stop all the clocks.
Stop ALL the clocks.
Completely.
No exceptions.
And The phone, yes.
Turn off the phone or put it on vibrate.
And shut those bloody dogs up.
He was my North, my South, my East, my West.
Simply the best.
Better than all the rest.
Better than anyone.
Anyone I've ever met.
He was the greatest man who ever lived, and he's dead.
Thank you.
How are you coping generally, Sally? Well, I am finding the nights very hard at the moment.
It's silly, I know.
Mark's only been living with me for about a month, but I'd got very used to having a man around.
And I've been feeling a bit scared.
You know, I would happily come over, as a man, if you're feeling nervous, to be in the house.
Tonight.
Whenever.
On the sofa, or I would do that.
That's very kind.
I would also do that.
Put me down for that.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
You are a sly old fox, Roy.
A sly, conniving, very old, dirty, grubby, urban, sex fox.
I just thought I'd let her know that if she was feeling scared No, I'm just saying, you really are a low-down, scheming piece of crap.
And I mean that, in many ways, as a compliment.
Right, so whoever's mobile she calls, that's who goes over, right? Fair enough.
It's a telephone vote.
Which I'm gonna win.
She's definitely got our numbers? Oh, yes, yes, yes.
She just isn't feeling scared at the moment.
She'll get scared.
We just have to bide our time.
She's been scared before, so she'll get scared again.
And she's every right to be scared.
All those maniacs out there.
Burglars, murderers, lunatics selling tea-towels door to door, terrorists.
Sally is a sitting duck.
In fact, for her own good, we should maybe scare her a bit.
What? Us scare her? Just a bit.
To stop her being complacent.
It's what Mark would have wanted.
No, it is not.
Mark would not have wanted us to scare poor Sally.
I'm going over there now, to scare her.
Oh, no you're not.
I'm just gonna make a noise, it'll be fine.
Well, I'm going over with you.
To stop you doing anything too crazy Like Blair did with Bush.
Well, that didn't work, but the, the intention was there.
I'm not going to do anything crazy.
Good! I just wanna spend the night with Sally because I love her.
I really love her.
So I'm going to stand in her garden and make her really frightened, yeah? Where's your sense of romance? This is too weird.
It's fine.
If we had night-vision goggles then we might have crossed the line.
But this is all just really normal and fine.
Just make your scary noise and then let's go.
You know, Roy, I've been thinking, a noise won't be enough.
We should go classic.
Brick through the window.
No.
Not on your life.
A brick? You said you weren't going to be crazy, and now you're being crazy.
This is Iraq all over again.
I'll just bung the brick, she'll be terrified, we run away and then she rings one of us, i.
e.
me.
No.
I am going.
I want no part of this.
Oh! My bloody foot! Ah, replacement windows.
They're good.
We should get these.
I think my ankle's broken, Tom.
Arses.
Run, Roy, run! I can't run! My foot.
Don't leave me here.
There was definitely a noise.
I'll have a look.
I'll get a torch.
I might ring my Dad.
'Tom's phone! Tom's phone! 'This is Tom's phone! Tom's phone is ringing! 'Pick up the phone, Tom! 'Tom's phone! Tom's phone! This is Tom's phone! 'Tom's phone is' Hi.
Hello, there.
I'm glad you rang actually, because there's something I've been wanting to tell you.
What? I love you, Amber.
I really, really, genuinely love you.
Thank you, Dad.
Is it all right? Was there anything there? No, it's fine.
It's just Dad and Roy hiding in your shed.
Well, I'm doing your tidying here.
It's your TURN.
Do you think I type up the housework rotas for fun? The hoover's broken.
What do you want me to to do, Roy? Suck the dust up through my nose? I can't do that, I'm not a cartoon.
Look at this room, though.
I mean, supposing someone comes round? But who? Who are all these hundreds of people that are gonna come round? We're not hosting the G8 or dealing heroin.
Amber or Sally.
Sally hasn't been round for weeks.
She's stopped coming to see us.
I know.
I miss lovely Sally.
I, I miss her fragrance.
Mmm.
She smells great, doesn't she? Sometimes I just like to stand really close and breathe in.
So, you're not going to tidy up? Yeah, in a bit! I've got to sort out the ringtones on my new phone.
Oh, these are all rubbish! They haven't got the Rockford Files ring.
I like that one, it makes me feel American.
Now, that one's not bad.
Sort of familiar.
That is the doorbell, Tom.
Hello, Amber.
Roy.
Everything all right? Looks like everything's all right, you're not crying.
Have I told you about my acting course? Yes! No, I don't think you have, actually, Amber.
Cheers, Roy! It's bloody fantastic.
Is this, um Amateur dramatics? No, Roy.
It's not just pretending to be other people on a stage, in front of an audience.
That's not acting.
Oh, isn't it? Acting is about finding truth.
We improv, we play trust games.
Oh, I get it.
"Take your top off, love, trust me, I went to RADA.
" Emotional phlegm.
And I need to hoik it up and spit it out.
Amber, I'm eating a cheese slice here! I want to spend more time with you, Dad, and talk.
About us, the past Mum.
Really talk.
Talk.
OK.
What's your favourite section of the Sunday Times? Why have you never told me you love me? Yes, Tom, why have you never said that? Well, a) shut up, Roy.
And b) Of course I've said it.
No.
Never have.
Never ever.
Oh, all right then.
I lurve you.
Ohhh, you just can't say it properly, can you? And that has been the cause of every single problem I've had in my entire life.
So we need to get this sorted, right? Well, I can't say it now because it would seem forced.
I need to surprise you.
Oh.
OK.
See, now you're waiting for it.
I'll tell you I love you when I'm dying.
That's what men do.
Don't spoil it for me, Amber.
Why do we have to go to an actual shop to get a Hoover? Shops are for idiots.
Everything you'll ever need to buy is on the internet for £30 cheaper.
£30, Roy.
This is a huge act of lunacy.
I like to actually touch something before I buy it.
Well, what good will touching a Hoover do? They're not like avocados, one won't be firmer or softer than the other.
D'you remember the, er, turkey that you bought from the online butcher? Oh, here we go, this again.
12 people for Christmas dinner and we serve up stuffed thrush.
One turkey, Roy, and you go on and on about it like I murdered Bobby Kennedy.
Ah, now this is something we could get for the summer.
Ah, yeah.
A nice barbecue.
Oh, yeah, I might have known you'd be into barbecues.
Only vulgar, middle-brow tits have barbecues.
Why make a massive deal about cooking food in a particular way? You don't say, "Come round on Sunday, we're having a boil! "We're having a big old boil, outdoors, in a huge pot.
"Boiled eggs, gammon, cabbage, carrots "You name it, we're boiling up all kinds of crap.
" You know, Tom, I really don't know why you're my friend if I'm such an idiot and a lunatic and a tit.
Hello, lovely neighbours! Hello, Sally.
Hi, Sally.
Long time no coming round at all for a little over three weeks now.
Oh, I know.
I'm so sorry.
I'm dreadful, aren't I? I'm a dreadful, dreadful woman.
No! The truth is I Well, to put it bluntly I'm in love.
No.
I've hooked up with an old flame, Mark.
We had a very intense relationship about 20 years ago.
Well, long story short, we've rekindled the flame and Mark's moved in.
Moved in? To YOUR house? Is that wise? People change.
Yeah, he might pick his feet or be really homophobic.
Oh, no, he's the same old Mark.
Caring, funny, sexy, clever, charismatic and And as strong as an ox.
He sounds Great.
We're sprucing up the back of the house.
I've already replaced the windows.
What with? New windows.
Replacement windows.
Of course.
Classic.
And I thought I'd get Mark a shed.
A man needs a shed, doesn't he? I might grab one of these barbecues as well.
Yeah, barbecues are great, aren't they? I love 'em.
Hang on Listen, do you need any advice on sheds? Because I happen to know literally everything there is to know about sheds.
Yes, thanks, Tom.
How come you're such a shed expert? I lived in one for nine months in 1985.
Magic days.
You're not spying on Sally and Mark AGAIN, are you, Tom? No way.
Anyway, it's not spying, it's just magnified looking.
Hold up There he is.
The arse.
A big hairy arse.
Look at the size of him.
He's huge.
He's like two men in one shirt.
Sally did say he was very strong.
He's grotesquely well built.
I can't compete with two men.
I've lost Sally.
You never had Sally.
You can't lose something that was never yours.
It's like saying you lost my hair.
Why is she with that arse? You don't know he's an arse, you've never met him.
Oh, he's an arse, Roy.
He's got arse written all over his face.
Bugger! He's seen me! He's coming over! Here, you answer the door, yeah? What? Hang on He's going to hit me for spying.
And he really is like an ox, like Sally said.
Don't let the ox hurt me, Roy! You are pathetic! I'll hide.
Say he couldn't have seen me at the window.
Say I'm in the hospital with a bowel thing.
Hi.
Is your mate with you? No.
He's He's in hospital.
Er, with his bowels.
Good thing he remembered to take them with him.
I'm Mark, I've just moved into Sally's place.
Oh Roy.
Er, Roy Bowden.
I was just wondering if Tom could help me put up my new shed.
Sally seems to think he's some kind of shed guru.
But since he's not around I could help if you like.
Yeah? Great.
Thanks, Roy.
See you in a minute, then.
Oh, lovely.
Nice one, Roy.
I heard that, he hadn't seen me at all, the big defective meathead.
Why did you say you'd help him build his shed? You really are a sucker sometimes.
I know I am, Tom.
It'll take hours.
Hours and hours in sexy Sally's company.
How terrible for me.
What a huge, idiotic, lunatic, tit I am.
Goodbye.
This ham really is wafer thin, Roy.
They're not joking.
It's not all PR and spin.
Look, I can actually watch the telly through my ham.
It's all pink.
I like it.
You're going to play tennis.
Oh! You've caught me out, Tom.
Who are you playing with? You only ever play tennis with me.
We do our special tennis where no-one's ever out and the ball can bounce twice.
Yes, well, today I'm playing proper tennis with Mark.
I presume Sally's gonna be there? No, actually, this is just Mark and me.
This is guy time.
But I thought you were only using Mark to get close to Sally.
Well, maybe I was, Tom, but I like him.
We're friends.
Mates.
Oh, don't be stupid.
I'm your mate.
And you're leaving me here on my own.
Well, yes! The lunatic idiot that you don't like any more is going out.
I thought you'd be pleased.
Oh, come on, Roy, I didn't mean that.
You can't believe every word I say.
I'm not Jesus.
No, but what you did say, Tom, really hurt.
'Tom's phone! Tom's phone! 'This is Tom's phone! 'Tom's phone is ringing! Pick up the phone, Tom!' Is that my phone? I see you've recorded your own ringtone.
Yeah.
I like it.
It's even better than Rockford.
Oh, bugger - it's Amber.
And then we played this trust game where you fall backwards, Actually physically fall backwards And another actor catches you.
And I felt it was like a metaphor for that time when you and I were in Brighton, remember? Er, not really, no.
When I fell backwards and you didn't catch me? Right.
Um, Amber? Yes, Dad? How's my hair looking? It's fine.
So are you going to say it That you love me? Of course I'm going to say it.
That goes without saying.
Or rather it doesn't, because I am going to say it.
After Sally's gone.
Sally's coming over? Yeah, because she's an actress, and I thought you could pick her brains about, you know, all this stuff you've been banging on interestingly about for hours.
Bollocks, Dad.
You want her here, not me.
I'm just your bait.
I'm a piece of cheese in your trap or a A worm on your hook.
You think I'm a cheese-worm don't you, Dad? Well, I am no-one's cheese-worm.
If I'm anyone's cheese-worm, I'm my own cheese-worm.
Look, Amber.
Sally's got this new man in her life and it's made me realise that I love her.
Not just fancy her.
This is a proper, honking, big love.
It's the sort of love that Shakespeare and Barry White were always on about.
You love her more than you love me? No, it's different.
With family it's more like, "God, I hope she doesn't go under a bus.
" And I would, by the way, be gutted, really gutted, if you went under a bus.
Thanks! That'll be her! How do I look? Like a self-obsessed berk.
Yeah, but the hair? Concentrate mainly on the hair.
Wow, Roy, you're pretty fit.
Pretty fly for an old guy! Well, I, I try to stay active.
Anything to avoid the dreaded mobility scooter.
My friend Dennis has one and when he stops outside the supermarket the little kids climb on board thinking he's a Postman Pat ride.
How's your mate Tom? How are his dicky bowels? Oh, they're on the mend.
Actually, he's a bit jealous that I've come to play tennis with you.
From what you and Sal say, your mate Tom sounds like a bit of a cock.
Is he a cock? No, he's a very complicated man.
Roy, if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it's a cock.
Well, that's a very interesting motto, certainly, but I think it's your serve now.
Actually, Roy I'm feeling a bit dizzy.
I might just sit down for a couple of minutes.
That's low blood sugar! Let's get an ice lolly from the stall.
It'll cool you down, perk you up.
OK.
Ice lolly, then back to the match.
Good man, good man.
I see you've got The Rasta Cookbook.
Yes, yes, I'm very interested in other cultures.
He thought it said "pasta".
He refuses to wear his glasses.
So, you were saying, Amber, you've been using a lot of poetry in these workshops.
Mmm, mmm.
Oh, I love poetry.
It's proper literature isn't it? Because you hardly ever know what they're going on about.
Do you have a favourite? Er Auden.
Oh! Auden is the best poet there has ever been.
I don't know why people still bother to write poetry cos he did it all.
Good old Auden.
He's dead now, probably, but nevertheless, bloody good.
"Funeral Blues".
I know it's a cliche because of Four Weddings.
Oh, it is so moving.
"Stop all the clocks.
" Clocks.
"Cut off the telephone.
" Telephone.
"Prevent the dog from barking" etc, etc.
You know, I love that poem.
I think that is the only poem that I know off by heart.
Actually Amber, do you know what? I've got a spare ticket for the matinee at the National.
Do you want to come? Oh, I'd love to.
I know a good way in that avoids the homeless chaps.
Welcome home, Roy! My big mate, Roy.
Look, I'm hoovering! And I've tidied up! Ta-daaa! There's a "Taste The Difference" shepherd's pie in the oven and I've got us some DVDs.
An Inconvenient Truth, Herbie Goes Bananas and a porno.
Something for everyone.
Mark is dead.
What? Mark died.
Er, he er He collapsed on the tennis court.
Um, stroke.
He's gone, Tom.
You're joking.
We'd been playing, and then we stopped for an ice lolly, and then we played some more and then he just, er, he kind of crumpled.
The ambulance was Are you smiling? You're smiling.
No, God.
It's awful.
Mark dead? Dreadful.
It's a Diana moment, isn't it? You'll always remember where you were when you found out he was dead.
Well, I was staring at his corpse, so yes, I imagine I might! Tell you what, let's watch a DVD, yeah? Let's watch Herbie going bananas.
That'll cheer you up.
He really loses it.
My friend has died, Tom.
I don't want to watch a talking car.
I'm going to my room.
Yeah, well, Herbie doesn't actually talk, Roy.
That's a very common misconception.
It was just the suddenness.
I know.
It makes you realise how unexpectedly this brief candle that we are can just go out.
Even quite a big candle, like Mark was.
Mark had been in South Africa for twenty years so there's no immediate family left here.
I'm in charge of everything.
So what what sort of service will it be? Anglican.
Mark was an Episcopalian.
Right, that's where you just eat fish, isn't it? Actually, Roy, I was wondering would you agree to be a pallbearer? And read a poem? Not at the same time? Because that would be No.
Separately.
No, of course, Sally.
Mark really enjoyed your company.
He said you were a "top bloke".
Well, he was a top bloke.
Here's the poem.
Excuse me.
Well, aren't you the chosen one? Well, you didn't know him, Tom.
You called him an arse and you hid from him in the toilet.
Yeah, well at least I didn't murder him.
I didn't murder Mark! Oh, sure you didn't.
He was all blown up and ready to pop and you just happened to be the pin.
"Here you go Mark, run around for a bit, "have an orange Mivvi that'll freeze the blood vessels in your brain "then run around a bit more.
" Mark had a stroke.
You can't cause a stroke with an ice lolly.
Can you? See! You did murder him! Look, don't talk about this here.
Sally might hear us and the poor woman is going through hell.
Yeah? Well, you should've thought about that before you Mivvied her boyfriend to death.
I'd like to thank everyone for coming today.
Those of you who've made the trip over from South Africa, and also all you "oldies" who knew Mark and me in the bohemian Twickenham days.
Sadly, since he'd come back to England, Mark hadn't had the chance to make many new friends, but one "top bloke" he did get to know was Roy Bowden.
And Roy will now read my and Mark's favourite poem.
Roy? Sally I'm I, I, I don't think that I can do this.
I, I'm so sorry.
I, I just feel too emotional.
I understand completely.
Don't worry.
Maybe Tom could read it? Yeah, I'm not that great with poems.
But it's Auden's "Funeral Blues".
You know that off by heart, don't you, Dad? I'd love to, obviously, but I might forget it in front of all these people.
That's all right, Tom.
Take my words mate.
I haven't got my glasses with me so I might be a bit rusty.
But I'll do my best for Marky.
Stop all the clocks.
Stop ALL the clocks.
Completely.
No exceptions.
And The phone, yes.
Turn off the phone or put it on vibrate.
And shut those bloody dogs up.
He was my North, my South, my East, my West.
Simply the best.
Better than all the rest.
Better than anyone.
Anyone I've ever met.
He was the greatest man who ever lived, and he's dead.
Thank you.
How are you coping generally, Sally? Well, I am finding the nights very hard at the moment.
It's silly, I know.
Mark's only been living with me for about a month, but I'd got very used to having a man around.
And I've been feeling a bit scared.
You know, I would happily come over, as a man, if you're feeling nervous, to be in the house.
Tonight.
Whenever.
On the sofa, or I would do that.
That's very kind.
I would also do that.
Put me down for that.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
You are a sly old fox, Roy.
A sly, conniving, very old, dirty, grubby, urban, sex fox.
I just thought I'd let her know that if she was feeling scared No, I'm just saying, you really are a low-down, scheming piece of crap.
And I mean that, in many ways, as a compliment.
Right, so whoever's mobile she calls, that's who goes over, right? Fair enough.
It's a telephone vote.
Which I'm gonna win.
She's definitely got our numbers? Oh, yes, yes, yes.
She just isn't feeling scared at the moment.
She'll get scared.
We just have to bide our time.
She's been scared before, so she'll get scared again.
And she's every right to be scared.
All those maniacs out there.
Burglars, murderers, lunatics selling tea-towels door to door, terrorists.
Sally is a sitting duck.
In fact, for her own good, we should maybe scare her a bit.
What? Us scare her? Just a bit.
To stop her being complacent.
It's what Mark would have wanted.
No, it is not.
Mark would not have wanted us to scare poor Sally.
I'm going over there now, to scare her.
Oh, no you're not.
I'm just gonna make a noise, it'll be fine.
Well, I'm going over with you.
To stop you doing anything too crazy Like Blair did with Bush.
Well, that didn't work, but the, the intention was there.
I'm not going to do anything crazy.
Good! I just wanna spend the night with Sally because I love her.
I really love her.
So I'm going to stand in her garden and make her really frightened, yeah? Where's your sense of romance? This is too weird.
It's fine.
If we had night-vision goggles then we might have crossed the line.
But this is all just really normal and fine.
Just make your scary noise and then let's go.
You know, Roy, I've been thinking, a noise won't be enough.
We should go classic.
Brick through the window.
No.
Not on your life.
A brick? You said you weren't going to be crazy, and now you're being crazy.
This is Iraq all over again.
I'll just bung the brick, she'll be terrified, we run away and then she rings one of us, i.
e.
me.
No.
I am going.
I want no part of this.
Oh! My bloody foot! Ah, replacement windows.
They're good.
We should get these.
I think my ankle's broken, Tom.
Arses.
Run, Roy, run! I can't run! My foot.
Don't leave me here.
There was definitely a noise.
I'll have a look.
I'll get a torch.
I might ring my Dad.
'Tom's phone! Tom's phone! 'This is Tom's phone! Tom's phone is ringing! 'Pick up the phone, Tom! 'Tom's phone! Tom's phone! This is Tom's phone! 'Tom's phone is' Hi.
Hello, there.
I'm glad you rang actually, because there's something I've been wanting to tell you.
What? I love you, Amber.
I really, really, genuinely love you.
Thank you, Dad.
Is it all right? Was there anything there? No, it's fine.
It's just Dad and Roy hiding in your shed.