The Onion News Network (2011) s01e04 Episode Script
Fifth Anniversary
This is "the Onion News Network," controlling what you see and when you see it.
This guy should be whipped and beatin' and chained up in a mall parking lot so everyone can see what a criminal really looks like! And I don't care if he's, quote, "legally mentally handicapped," that's justice! Anyway, we are out of time here.
Right now let's go to "The Fact Zone" with Brooke Alvarez, which is celebrating its fifth anniversary on the air this week.
Hi, Brooke.
Hi, shelby.
Congratulations on five years of news.
Without you, the world would be even darker and more unfair than it already is.
That's very sweet of you.
God, it's so horrible in the world! Thanks, shelby.
There's a lot going on around the globe today.
Here's what's on our scanners.
A troubling new Al Qaeda video shows that the terrorist organization is getting increasingly adept at using final cut pro.
The Chicago red cross is calling for donations of gaylood, following a roof collapse at a gay bar.
And new Hampshire is attempting to jump start its tourism industry with a new slogan, "it's not rape "if it's in new Hampshire.
" I'm Brooke Alvarez.
Don't make any sudden movements or you'll be shot.
You're entering "The Fact Zone.
" [ Music .]
We're celebrating our fifth anniversary this week, and, we couldn't have done it without all of you at home on your couches, sitting in silence, absorbing every word I say, navigating your lives around the information I feed you.
I'd say "thank you," but really, you're the ones who should be thanking me.
Now, let's get on to our top story.
Residence of Granton, Kansas are breathing a sigh of relief are breathing a sigh of relief after a heroic student stopped a potential school shooting this afternoon.
"The Onion News Network" reporter, Jeremy Lee, is standing by live outside Roosevelt High School with more.
Jeremy, tell us what happened.
Well, Brooke, school officials are reporting that sophomore, will Tracy had few friends, dressed in black, listened to strange music, and drew disturbing art work on his notebooks.
Luckily, before he could orchestrate a school shooting or obtain a gun, he was shot and killed by Trevor Wilson, a High School football star and last year's junior prom king.
Thank God.
I understand this happened in the lunchroom? Yes, according to witnesses, will walked into the campus cafeteria and sat down alone to begin eating his lunch.
Chilling.
Yes, and it was at that very crucial moment, that Trevor Wilson took control of the situation and removed a handgun from his jacket and fired three times into will.
How brave.
Yes, Brooke, and rather than seeking shelter or calling for help, Trevor then fearlessly walked over to will's body and then fired nine times into his neck and chest.
Incredibly brave, facing down somebody who could've easily become unhinged and violent at some point in the future.
Yes.
Now we have a camera phone video of the harrowing incident taken by a student.
Let's go ahead and take a look at that.
And take a look at that.
Oh, my God! Somebody's shooting! Oh, my God! That's Trevor.
Oh, my God! Trevor Wilson! Oh, my God! He's so cute holding that gun.
Trevor, wait! Trevor, come back! Trevor, come back! Thank goodness someone like Trevor was on hand to subdue will.
It sounds like will was a real outcast.
Yes, will had reportedly been posting on an Internet message board about, quote, unquote, "stopping" some of his classmates.
In other words, he was a ticking time bomb.
That's right.
Uh-huh.
Trevor made this statement to the press earlier today.
To the press earlier today.
I was just thinking, "don't stop.
"Punish this freak.
"Punish him more "and show everyone "your true power.
" "Your true power.
" Brooke, uh, Brooke, we are getting word that-that Trevor has actually taken out four more potential shooters, including two band members and the fattest kid in school.
Oh, my God! It's just incredible! It's good to see young people there following through with something.
All right, now, let's head over to Tucker hope at the recon wall.
Hello, Tucker.
Hi.
We've had a great time walking down memory Lane this week, haven't we, Brooke? Oh, we absolutely have.
You know, it's always a treat looking back at the various Tucker hopes we've had here at "The Fact Zone.
" You know, I had some pretty big shoes to fill after the previous Tucker hope.
Yeah well, out of the seven Tucker hopes we've had, you rank somewhere near the top.
Well, everyday that I get to be here is an honor, and I just hope that there are many more days of being Tucker hope ahead of me.
We'll see.
We'll see.
All right, well, octo-mom, Kate Gosselin, and Michelle Duggar had better step aside, because a new mother of multiples is stealing the spotlight.
Zorla Gorgalon was living an extremely private life in Tularosa, new Mexico until last Saturday until last Saturday when she gave birth to 352 babies.
Unlike most of her counterparts, apparently Zorla wasn't taking any fertility drugs.
She told hospital staff she was, quote "Just a regular human woman "who got lucky" also unlike other multi-moms, Zorla seems to be shunning the spotlight.
This morning as the Gorgalon clan left the hospital and headed back home, Zorla refused to speak to reporters.
Leave my brood alone.
Leave my brood alone.
Now, with her husband, Belox, off at war, some critics have voiced concern that Zorla will be raising her 352 children alone, but most Americans are expressing support.
I love her.
She's a mom and she's fierce.
I saw this clip of her feeding her babies.
She ate about 40 pounds of raw silica and then she regurgitated into the baby's mouths.
I heard that her babies aren't big criers, you know.
That's amazing.
Like, they hum in unison.
This is one family we'll be excited to watch in the months to come.
In the months to come.
Now, before we move on, Brooke, in honor of your five years of grace and poise at the helm of "The Fact Zone," I've put together this modest tribute.
She's been called, "the most powerful woman "in news," as strong as a lioness, as beautiful as a dream, for those fortunate enough Tucker, I'm gonna have to cut you off there.
Oh, sure.
We've got a breaking news blast coming in now.
We're going live, via telephone, with reporter don Abrams in San Francisco, California, where we're being told that a woman is crying on a train platform in front of dozens of other commuters.
We're seeing live security camera footage of the crying woman, and she does look very upset.
Don, are you there? Bring us up to date on the situation.
On the situation.
Brooke, this was just a normal train station until a few minutes ago when this woman began loudly crying this woman began loudly crying and making everyone extremely uncomfortable.
It started as a muffled, heavy breathing, relatively easy to ignore whimper, easy to ignore whimper, but has now developed into full-blown sobbing.
Don, it sounds like a very awkward situation there.
Awkward situation there.
It is, Brooke.
Everyone is making eye contact with each other as if to ask, "what's her deal?" And no one quite knows if they should do something.
I think it's safe to say that commuters at this train station have not been this uncomfortable since 2004 when a mother slapped her child for dropping his juice box.
For dropping his juice box.
Don, we're receiving a u-news cell phone video now of the crying woman.
Okay, she doesn't appear to be drunk or insane.
That rules out the two primary causes of the crying in public.
What else could it be? It's unclear at this time, Brooke.
Maybe she someone she knows has suddenly died.
Perhaps she just lost her job.
Perhaps she just lost her job.
Have you made eye contact with the crying woman at all, don? No, I have not.
I've been very careful not to do that.
Every time I glance in that direction, I pretend to read a community college advertisement on the wall or look for a clock.
Are you gonna try Brooke, the woman inow walking right toward me.
Don? Don? Don, can you hear me? I-I'm here, Brooke.
She's now standing just a few feet away from me.
I have to pretend like I'm talking about something else.
About something else.
Yes, it was a fun party.
Everyone was there.
Good-bye.
Well, thank you, Don Habrams, for that report.
So sad to see someone expressing emotion like that.
All right, we have to take a quick break right now, but stick with us.
We have a lot more stories on our radar, including that report from secretary of education linking the nation's falling test scores to Allison wearing that sweater.
To everyone at "The Fact Zone," congratulations on five great years.
I know you could destroy my political career and my personal life on a whim if you wanted, just crush me like a folksy egg shell.
Thank you for not doing that yet.
Place your hand on the television for a fingerprint scan.
You're back in "The Fact Zone" on "the Onion News Network.
" I'm Brooke Alvarez.
Right now let's go to Los Angeles where a female escort contacted major media outlets claiming actor Ben Affleck paid her for sex dozens of times over the past year.
That escort, Jasmine James, joins us now in an "Onion News Network" exclusive interview.
Hi.
Hi, Jasmine tell us.
Why are you coming forward with this information about Ben Affleck now? Well, last week I saw him on tv with his wife, um Jennifer garner.
Oh, yeah.
Wait no, Ben Affleck's the one that's married to Jennifer garner? Yes.
Oh, no, no, no, that's not him then.
The guy I was talking about I thought he God, I totally thought his name was Ben Affleck.
Okay, wait so, wait.
So you didn't sleep with Ben Affleck? No he looked sort of like him uh What is his name? Okay, but you did engage in sexual acts with some Hollywood a-list actor in exchange for money, correct? Oh, yeah, lots of times, uh Oh, you know, he's, like, got brown hair and he's, like, really cute.
Okay.
And he's, like, late 30s, 40s.
He always sorta, kinda plays the handsome guy.
Was that Matt Damon? No, not Matt Damon.
Uh uh What is his name? Okay, viewers, if you think you know whom Jasmine might have slept with, post it on Twitter and we'll display it here on screen.
Oh, you know what he was in? He was in a movie, like, about time travel.
Okay, we're getting some suggestions here.
"Terminator," "primer" No, I don't think so.
Is it John Cusack? No.
This guy's more of a guy's guy, you know.
He's, like, longer hair and he's, like, really into anal.
Okay, was it Ethan Hawke? No.
Orlando Bloom? Who is he again? Orlando Bloom, the guy from, uh, "lord of the rings.
" The elf.
No, no, this guy was, like, more built.
I remember, because he kept wanting to choke me, and I kept telling him to, "ease up a bit," you know? Mmm-hmm yeah.
Oh, what is his name? B B Ah B? Yeah.
Uh, was that the first or the last name, Jasmine? Last? Okay.
Um, Gerard Butler? Pierce Brosnan? I mean, I said "Orlando Bloom," right? I'm coverin' all the 'b's here, Jasmine.
Eric Bana! Eric Bana! I knew I would remember it.
Okay, so Eric Bana is the one you had sex with? Yes.
Eric Bana loves whores.
Okay.
Wait.
No, that's not right.
All right, miss James, we're done here.
Thank you.
November marked a historic occasion in American politics, following the election of Dave Tillis, the nation's first openly drunk senator.
For a look at Tillis' rise to political prominence, Jane Carmichael has our "Washington watch.
" Many thought that a politician with a publicly inebriated lifestyle would be unelectable, but Dave Tillis proved them wrong, winning over voters by loudly rambling on about issues they care about.
Everybody's gotta know that drunks are Americans, and we love America! It's awesome.
Oh, my God! Let's do this! Make me a senator! I love you guys! Tillis' total fearlessness and lack of inhibitions seemed to speak to voters.
This week, those supporters had something to celebrate as senator tillis proposed his first piece of legislation, the all bus stops should have shelters bill.
Everyday thousands of Americans take the bus, and sometimes they can't make it to their home, because their eyes are closing, right? Right.
But does that mean you deserve to wake up in the snow? Hell no.
Let's make a shelter on that bus stop On all bus stops for when you're sleepy.
Oh! This idea is genius! Tillis said he's thankful for the opportunity to serve the nation.
To serve the nation.
People see me on the street and they're like, "that's Dave tillis "and he's drunk "and a great guy.
"He'd give you "the shirt off his back, "and he's my senator.
" In Washington, I'm Jane Carmichael.
What an amazing step forward for the drunk community.
And right now, we have an update coming in about multi-mom, Zorla Gorgalon.
Apparently this afternoon, miss Gorgalon signed a deal with the tlc television network to star in a new reality show called, "352 mouths to feed.
" And to talk to us about the new show, we've got Zorla Gorgalon herself here for her first public interview.
Thank you, so much, for joining us, Zorla.
And those are your children right there.
They're already walking.
They must grow to build the ship.
Well, they're just beautiful.
Our minds are one.
My thoughts are their thoughts.
It must be this way to return to radax sector.
Now, Zorla, let's talk about "352 mouths to feed.
" I've been told that the network had to agree to quite a payout to get you to do the show.
You requested 800 liters of radioactive cesium and lift off clearance through a local airport at a moment's notice.
You must be harvested for energy.
Ah! All right, well, you saw her first, folks, amazing multi-mom, Zorla Gorgalon.
All right, we need to take a short break now, but in the meantime, make sure to logon to "the Onion News Network" online and check out the full text of a new report that finds 90% of things are popular because people are bored at work.
Don't stray far from "The Fact Zone.
" Congratulations for five years of "fact zone.
" As a little gift for your achievement, we donated $5,000 to the charity to end childhood obesity in your name.
We know how much you hate fat children.
You are back in "The Fact Zone," and I'm Brooke Alvarez.
Well, a dangerous new trend among teenagers is sweeping the nation and landing some in serious legal trouble.
Jean Anne Whorton takes us "beyond the facts.
" It's called "toping," short for isotoping, illegally enriching uranium.
A new report says that one in five teens is doing it, and that has many parents worried.
The sleepy town of Woodview, new Jersey was rocked when six teens were arrested for conspiring to sell enriched uranium to foreign nationals for the purpose of making a nuclear weapon.
Of making a nuclear weapon.
Guys come in saying, "oh, I made 24 kilograms "of uranium.
" "Oh, I made 82 kilograms "of uranium," and it's like a big competition.
The school was tipped off when football coach, Ron Shipley saw some paraphernalia in the locker room.
I mean, at first, I thought maybe he was just, you know, separating some u-2-28 isotopes to develop a nuclear energy program or something, but you can't be too careful nowadays, you know? You know? Were you shocked when you found out? Well, you know, you never think it's your kid who's gonna go sell enriched uranium to a rogue nation.
When Tim Drucker's parents searched his bedroom, they found a tunnel to a 74 acre underground centrifuge in the backyard.
We didn't want to be the kind of parents who went snooping in his room, reading his communiques with arms dealers, anything like that.
And then there's the Facebook factor.
Many students have gotten in trouble when photos of so-called "toping" parties have wound up online.
What's causing the rise in teen toping? Some blame the glorified portrayal of nuclear weaponization on tv.
Others say that the rise of so-called "nuke-rap" glamorizes nuclear enrichment.
Topin', uh, uh, and freakin', uh, uh, topin' all night like a mother [Deleted.]
Now every third world nation wanna get with this no matter the cause, the debate about toping continues.
Is it as dangerous as some contend? Or is it just a case of kids being kids? For "beyond the facts," I'm Jean Anne Whorton.
I'm Jean Anne Whorton.
Scary what kids can get into these days.
Reminds me what my husband, Thomas pynchon, is always saying, "a young body will ramble "until it hits the wet brick "and wakes up "bloody nosed "in a faded skin.
" Congressman Ronald north a staunch supporter of traditional marriage shocked the nation when he became embroiled in a sex scandal involving a thoroughbred horse.
Now his wife, grace, is finally telling her side of the story.
She gave her first live interview this morning on "today now!" Now, grace, what people can't stop saying about you is how composed you've been throughout this whole ordeal.
How have you managed to stay so strong? Honestly, Jim, I trusted in my faith and my new throw pillow line.
Mmm-hmm.
That must've taken so much courage.
The ones that I have here are just a portion of the hundreds of designs available.
Right.
Now you made the decision to stay quiet throughout this whole ordeal.
Why was that? Well, I'm still very conflicted about it, and there are definitely times when I just want to curl up in a pile of my throw pillows, because the linen and silk is very soft and soothing to the skin.
Or I'll want to distract myself with the artful and user friendly layout of my website gracefulmomentspillows.
Com.
Of course.
Now, we do have to ask you, do you think you'll ever be able to-to get past this and maybe love your husband again? Oh, I honestly don't know, Jim.
You know, a betrayal like this is really one of the hardest things, I think, a person can ever go through.
Every day is a struggle, right now, but I know that with faith and time One day I might be able to at least forgive him.
Such an inspiring message.
Yes.
And-and good luck with that.
Everyone, come meet me at pillow-con 2011 in Seattle next month.
I would love to meet you, have a good sit, and talk pillows.
And talk pillows.
I'm just in awe of her.
You have to admire any woman who runs her own business, which reminds me, all fall Brooke's looks handbags are on sale at the Brooke's looks website, up to 70% off.
We have to take a quick break right now, but Tucker has some very sad news to report to you.
Tucker? Tucker? Thanks, Brooke.
Yes, just a few minutes ago, the Gorgalon house, home to Zorla and her 352 babies, was reportedly consumed by a giant explosion.
The house is still on fire, and we have some u-news footage from that location right now from a local resident there in Tularosa.
Sadly, officials in the area are reporting that it does not look like there are any survivors.
What a tragedy.
All those hundreds of babies.
It's really a shame, Tucker.
Keep your scope sighted on "The Fact Zone.
" Congratulations to everyone at "The Fact Zone" for a great five years.
Brooke, I know we've always had kind of a friendly rivalry.
I'm sort of a hyper, earnest nerd type.
You're more of a cheerleader, cruel bitch type.
But it-it's all in good fun.
Keep up the good work, you wretched hell wraith.
We have some very urgent breaking news coming into "The Fact Zone" right now.
The nation has descended into chaos after just moments ago it was discovered that the United States constitution expired in 1987.
Expired in 1987.
The discovery was apparently made when an employee at the national archives was cleaning the constitution's hermetically sealed case and noticed and expiration date printed on the bottom right hand corner of the document.
Hand corner of the document.
Right now the white house is attempting to quell the nation-wide panic that's erupted.
We urge everyone to please remain calm while we try to create a new framework for the organization of the United States government.
I will take your questions now, but be advised if I don't like your question, I may kill you with this gun, as there are no laws anymore.
Okay.
Okay.
All right, we're getting reports now that rioting has broken out throughout the nation, as millions of Americans have suddenly realized that they are no longer that they are no longer beholden to any authority.
Let's go live to John Harris in New York City.
John, tell us, what is the scene like out there? Pandemonium, Brooke.
People taking full advantage of having absolutely no legal, uh, enforcements here on the streets, property being seized, uh, without repercussion, people quartering soldiers in their homes.
Uh, I've seen several people, being, uh, taken in as slaves already.
Now apparently, the only thing separating animals and us was this single document.
Are authorities doing anything there to maintain order? Brooke, there are no more authorities.
Uh, we can't even call the military in, because they disbanded immediately after hearing that, uh, they no longer had a commander in chief.
Okay, now, people out here are literally driving around in tanks and fighter jets, uh, randomly, uh hey, don't touch the camera! No! Samantha! John? John? Well, as long as our entire system of government is now null and void, I may as well take this opportunity to suggest myself as a possible future leader to rally around.
Allow me to state my case.
With my vast breadth of knowledge and undeniable charisma, I believe I'd make a skilled and effective commander of the post American state.
Say "goodbye" to the cowardice and indecision of the past.
With Brooke Alvarez in charge, hunger, fear, and weakness would be but a distant memory.
Those who would like to join me, meet me here at the studio, and we shall begin the task of creating a mighty new empire from the ashes of the old.
The future is now, viewers.
I'm your best option.
Until then, thanks for watching "The Fact Zone.
" Tread carefully out there.
This guy should be whipped and beatin' and chained up in a mall parking lot so everyone can see what a criminal really looks like! And I don't care if he's, quote, "legally mentally handicapped," that's justice! Anyway, we are out of time here.
Right now let's go to "The Fact Zone" with Brooke Alvarez, which is celebrating its fifth anniversary on the air this week.
Hi, Brooke.
Hi, shelby.
Congratulations on five years of news.
Without you, the world would be even darker and more unfair than it already is.
That's very sweet of you.
God, it's so horrible in the world! Thanks, shelby.
There's a lot going on around the globe today.
Here's what's on our scanners.
A troubling new Al Qaeda video shows that the terrorist organization is getting increasingly adept at using final cut pro.
The Chicago red cross is calling for donations of gaylood, following a roof collapse at a gay bar.
And new Hampshire is attempting to jump start its tourism industry with a new slogan, "it's not rape "if it's in new Hampshire.
" I'm Brooke Alvarez.
Don't make any sudden movements or you'll be shot.
You're entering "The Fact Zone.
" [ Music .]
We're celebrating our fifth anniversary this week, and, we couldn't have done it without all of you at home on your couches, sitting in silence, absorbing every word I say, navigating your lives around the information I feed you.
I'd say "thank you," but really, you're the ones who should be thanking me.
Now, let's get on to our top story.
Residence of Granton, Kansas are breathing a sigh of relief are breathing a sigh of relief after a heroic student stopped a potential school shooting this afternoon.
"The Onion News Network" reporter, Jeremy Lee, is standing by live outside Roosevelt High School with more.
Jeremy, tell us what happened.
Well, Brooke, school officials are reporting that sophomore, will Tracy had few friends, dressed in black, listened to strange music, and drew disturbing art work on his notebooks.
Luckily, before he could orchestrate a school shooting or obtain a gun, he was shot and killed by Trevor Wilson, a High School football star and last year's junior prom king.
Thank God.
I understand this happened in the lunchroom? Yes, according to witnesses, will walked into the campus cafeteria and sat down alone to begin eating his lunch.
Chilling.
Yes, and it was at that very crucial moment, that Trevor Wilson took control of the situation and removed a handgun from his jacket and fired three times into will.
How brave.
Yes, Brooke, and rather than seeking shelter or calling for help, Trevor then fearlessly walked over to will's body and then fired nine times into his neck and chest.
Incredibly brave, facing down somebody who could've easily become unhinged and violent at some point in the future.
Yes.
Now we have a camera phone video of the harrowing incident taken by a student.
Let's go ahead and take a look at that.
And take a look at that.
Oh, my God! Somebody's shooting! Oh, my God! That's Trevor.
Oh, my God! Trevor Wilson! Oh, my God! He's so cute holding that gun.
Trevor, wait! Trevor, come back! Trevor, come back! Thank goodness someone like Trevor was on hand to subdue will.
It sounds like will was a real outcast.
Yes, will had reportedly been posting on an Internet message board about, quote, unquote, "stopping" some of his classmates.
In other words, he was a ticking time bomb.
That's right.
Uh-huh.
Trevor made this statement to the press earlier today.
To the press earlier today.
I was just thinking, "don't stop.
"Punish this freak.
"Punish him more "and show everyone "your true power.
" "Your true power.
" Brooke, uh, Brooke, we are getting word that-that Trevor has actually taken out four more potential shooters, including two band members and the fattest kid in school.
Oh, my God! It's just incredible! It's good to see young people there following through with something.
All right, now, let's head over to Tucker hope at the recon wall.
Hello, Tucker.
Hi.
We've had a great time walking down memory Lane this week, haven't we, Brooke? Oh, we absolutely have.
You know, it's always a treat looking back at the various Tucker hopes we've had here at "The Fact Zone.
" You know, I had some pretty big shoes to fill after the previous Tucker hope.
Yeah well, out of the seven Tucker hopes we've had, you rank somewhere near the top.
Well, everyday that I get to be here is an honor, and I just hope that there are many more days of being Tucker hope ahead of me.
We'll see.
We'll see.
All right, well, octo-mom, Kate Gosselin, and Michelle Duggar had better step aside, because a new mother of multiples is stealing the spotlight.
Zorla Gorgalon was living an extremely private life in Tularosa, new Mexico until last Saturday until last Saturday when she gave birth to 352 babies.
Unlike most of her counterparts, apparently Zorla wasn't taking any fertility drugs.
She told hospital staff she was, quote "Just a regular human woman "who got lucky" also unlike other multi-moms, Zorla seems to be shunning the spotlight.
This morning as the Gorgalon clan left the hospital and headed back home, Zorla refused to speak to reporters.
Leave my brood alone.
Leave my brood alone.
Now, with her husband, Belox, off at war, some critics have voiced concern that Zorla will be raising her 352 children alone, but most Americans are expressing support.
I love her.
She's a mom and she's fierce.
I saw this clip of her feeding her babies.
She ate about 40 pounds of raw silica and then she regurgitated into the baby's mouths.
I heard that her babies aren't big criers, you know.
That's amazing.
Like, they hum in unison.
This is one family we'll be excited to watch in the months to come.
In the months to come.
Now, before we move on, Brooke, in honor of your five years of grace and poise at the helm of "The Fact Zone," I've put together this modest tribute.
She's been called, "the most powerful woman "in news," as strong as a lioness, as beautiful as a dream, for those fortunate enough Tucker, I'm gonna have to cut you off there.
Oh, sure.
We've got a breaking news blast coming in now.
We're going live, via telephone, with reporter don Abrams in San Francisco, California, where we're being told that a woman is crying on a train platform in front of dozens of other commuters.
We're seeing live security camera footage of the crying woman, and she does look very upset.
Don, are you there? Bring us up to date on the situation.
On the situation.
Brooke, this was just a normal train station until a few minutes ago when this woman began loudly crying this woman began loudly crying and making everyone extremely uncomfortable.
It started as a muffled, heavy breathing, relatively easy to ignore whimper, easy to ignore whimper, but has now developed into full-blown sobbing.
Don, it sounds like a very awkward situation there.
Awkward situation there.
It is, Brooke.
Everyone is making eye contact with each other as if to ask, "what's her deal?" And no one quite knows if they should do something.
I think it's safe to say that commuters at this train station have not been this uncomfortable since 2004 when a mother slapped her child for dropping his juice box.
For dropping his juice box.
Don, we're receiving a u-news cell phone video now of the crying woman.
Okay, she doesn't appear to be drunk or insane.
That rules out the two primary causes of the crying in public.
What else could it be? It's unclear at this time, Brooke.
Maybe she someone she knows has suddenly died.
Perhaps she just lost her job.
Perhaps she just lost her job.
Have you made eye contact with the crying woman at all, don? No, I have not.
I've been very careful not to do that.
Every time I glance in that direction, I pretend to read a community college advertisement on the wall or look for a clock.
Are you gonna try Brooke, the woman inow walking right toward me.
Don? Don? Don, can you hear me? I-I'm here, Brooke.
She's now standing just a few feet away from me.
I have to pretend like I'm talking about something else.
About something else.
Yes, it was a fun party.
Everyone was there.
Good-bye.
Well, thank you, Don Habrams, for that report.
So sad to see someone expressing emotion like that.
All right, we have to take a quick break right now, but stick with us.
We have a lot more stories on our radar, including that report from secretary of education linking the nation's falling test scores to Allison wearing that sweater.
To everyone at "The Fact Zone," congratulations on five great years.
I know you could destroy my political career and my personal life on a whim if you wanted, just crush me like a folksy egg shell.
Thank you for not doing that yet.
Place your hand on the television for a fingerprint scan.
You're back in "The Fact Zone" on "the Onion News Network.
" I'm Brooke Alvarez.
Right now let's go to Los Angeles where a female escort contacted major media outlets claiming actor Ben Affleck paid her for sex dozens of times over the past year.
That escort, Jasmine James, joins us now in an "Onion News Network" exclusive interview.
Hi.
Hi, Jasmine tell us.
Why are you coming forward with this information about Ben Affleck now? Well, last week I saw him on tv with his wife, um Jennifer garner.
Oh, yeah.
Wait no, Ben Affleck's the one that's married to Jennifer garner? Yes.
Oh, no, no, no, that's not him then.
The guy I was talking about I thought he God, I totally thought his name was Ben Affleck.
Okay, wait so, wait.
So you didn't sleep with Ben Affleck? No he looked sort of like him uh What is his name? Okay, but you did engage in sexual acts with some Hollywood a-list actor in exchange for money, correct? Oh, yeah, lots of times, uh Oh, you know, he's, like, got brown hair and he's, like, really cute.
Okay.
And he's, like, late 30s, 40s.
He always sorta, kinda plays the handsome guy.
Was that Matt Damon? No, not Matt Damon.
Uh uh What is his name? Okay, viewers, if you think you know whom Jasmine might have slept with, post it on Twitter and we'll display it here on screen.
Oh, you know what he was in? He was in a movie, like, about time travel.
Okay, we're getting some suggestions here.
"Terminator," "primer" No, I don't think so.
Is it John Cusack? No.
This guy's more of a guy's guy, you know.
He's, like, longer hair and he's, like, really into anal.
Okay, was it Ethan Hawke? No.
Orlando Bloom? Who is he again? Orlando Bloom, the guy from, uh, "lord of the rings.
" The elf.
No, no, this guy was, like, more built.
I remember, because he kept wanting to choke me, and I kept telling him to, "ease up a bit," you know? Mmm-hmm yeah.
Oh, what is his name? B B Ah B? Yeah.
Uh, was that the first or the last name, Jasmine? Last? Okay.
Um, Gerard Butler? Pierce Brosnan? I mean, I said "Orlando Bloom," right? I'm coverin' all the 'b's here, Jasmine.
Eric Bana! Eric Bana! I knew I would remember it.
Okay, so Eric Bana is the one you had sex with? Yes.
Eric Bana loves whores.
Okay.
Wait.
No, that's not right.
All right, miss James, we're done here.
Thank you.
November marked a historic occasion in American politics, following the election of Dave Tillis, the nation's first openly drunk senator.
For a look at Tillis' rise to political prominence, Jane Carmichael has our "Washington watch.
" Many thought that a politician with a publicly inebriated lifestyle would be unelectable, but Dave Tillis proved them wrong, winning over voters by loudly rambling on about issues they care about.
Everybody's gotta know that drunks are Americans, and we love America! It's awesome.
Oh, my God! Let's do this! Make me a senator! I love you guys! Tillis' total fearlessness and lack of inhibitions seemed to speak to voters.
This week, those supporters had something to celebrate as senator tillis proposed his first piece of legislation, the all bus stops should have shelters bill.
Everyday thousands of Americans take the bus, and sometimes they can't make it to their home, because their eyes are closing, right? Right.
But does that mean you deserve to wake up in the snow? Hell no.
Let's make a shelter on that bus stop On all bus stops for when you're sleepy.
Oh! This idea is genius! Tillis said he's thankful for the opportunity to serve the nation.
To serve the nation.
People see me on the street and they're like, "that's Dave tillis "and he's drunk "and a great guy.
"He'd give you "the shirt off his back, "and he's my senator.
" In Washington, I'm Jane Carmichael.
What an amazing step forward for the drunk community.
And right now, we have an update coming in about multi-mom, Zorla Gorgalon.
Apparently this afternoon, miss Gorgalon signed a deal with the tlc television network to star in a new reality show called, "352 mouths to feed.
" And to talk to us about the new show, we've got Zorla Gorgalon herself here for her first public interview.
Thank you, so much, for joining us, Zorla.
And those are your children right there.
They're already walking.
They must grow to build the ship.
Well, they're just beautiful.
Our minds are one.
My thoughts are their thoughts.
It must be this way to return to radax sector.
Now, Zorla, let's talk about "352 mouths to feed.
" I've been told that the network had to agree to quite a payout to get you to do the show.
You requested 800 liters of radioactive cesium and lift off clearance through a local airport at a moment's notice.
You must be harvested for energy.
Ah! All right, well, you saw her first, folks, amazing multi-mom, Zorla Gorgalon.
All right, we need to take a short break now, but in the meantime, make sure to logon to "the Onion News Network" online and check out the full text of a new report that finds 90% of things are popular because people are bored at work.
Don't stray far from "The Fact Zone.
" Congratulations for five years of "fact zone.
" As a little gift for your achievement, we donated $5,000 to the charity to end childhood obesity in your name.
We know how much you hate fat children.
You are back in "The Fact Zone," and I'm Brooke Alvarez.
Well, a dangerous new trend among teenagers is sweeping the nation and landing some in serious legal trouble.
Jean Anne Whorton takes us "beyond the facts.
" It's called "toping," short for isotoping, illegally enriching uranium.
A new report says that one in five teens is doing it, and that has many parents worried.
The sleepy town of Woodview, new Jersey was rocked when six teens were arrested for conspiring to sell enriched uranium to foreign nationals for the purpose of making a nuclear weapon.
Of making a nuclear weapon.
Guys come in saying, "oh, I made 24 kilograms "of uranium.
" "Oh, I made 82 kilograms "of uranium," and it's like a big competition.
The school was tipped off when football coach, Ron Shipley saw some paraphernalia in the locker room.
I mean, at first, I thought maybe he was just, you know, separating some u-2-28 isotopes to develop a nuclear energy program or something, but you can't be too careful nowadays, you know? You know? Were you shocked when you found out? Well, you know, you never think it's your kid who's gonna go sell enriched uranium to a rogue nation.
When Tim Drucker's parents searched his bedroom, they found a tunnel to a 74 acre underground centrifuge in the backyard.
We didn't want to be the kind of parents who went snooping in his room, reading his communiques with arms dealers, anything like that.
And then there's the Facebook factor.
Many students have gotten in trouble when photos of so-called "toping" parties have wound up online.
What's causing the rise in teen toping? Some blame the glorified portrayal of nuclear weaponization on tv.
Others say that the rise of so-called "nuke-rap" glamorizes nuclear enrichment.
Topin', uh, uh, and freakin', uh, uh, topin' all night like a mother [Deleted.]
Now every third world nation wanna get with this no matter the cause, the debate about toping continues.
Is it as dangerous as some contend? Or is it just a case of kids being kids? For "beyond the facts," I'm Jean Anne Whorton.
I'm Jean Anne Whorton.
Scary what kids can get into these days.
Reminds me what my husband, Thomas pynchon, is always saying, "a young body will ramble "until it hits the wet brick "and wakes up "bloody nosed "in a faded skin.
" Congressman Ronald north a staunch supporter of traditional marriage shocked the nation when he became embroiled in a sex scandal involving a thoroughbred horse.
Now his wife, grace, is finally telling her side of the story.
She gave her first live interview this morning on "today now!" Now, grace, what people can't stop saying about you is how composed you've been throughout this whole ordeal.
How have you managed to stay so strong? Honestly, Jim, I trusted in my faith and my new throw pillow line.
Mmm-hmm.
That must've taken so much courage.
The ones that I have here are just a portion of the hundreds of designs available.
Right.
Now you made the decision to stay quiet throughout this whole ordeal.
Why was that? Well, I'm still very conflicted about it, and there are definitely times when I just want to curl up in a pile of my throw pillows, because the linen and silk is very soft and soothing to the skin.
Or I'll want to distract myself with the artful and user friendly layout of my website gracefulmomentspillows.
Com.
Of course.
Now, we do have to ask you, do you think you'll ever be able to-to get past this and maybe love your husband again? Oh, I honestly don't know, Jim.
You know, a betrayal like this is really one of the hardest things, I think, a person can ever go through.
Every day is a struggle, right now, but I know that with faith and time One day I might be able to at least forgive him.
Such an inspiring message.
Yes.
And-and good luck with that.
Everyone, come meet me at pillow-con 2011 in Seattle next month.
I would love to meet you, have a good sit, and talk pillows.
And talk pillows.
I'm just in awe of her.
You have to admire any woman who runs her own business, which reminds me, all fall Brooke's looks handbags are on sale at the Brooke's looks website, up to 70% off.
We have to take a quick break right now, but Tucker has some very sad news to report to you.
Tucker? Tucker? Thanks, Brooke.
Yes, just a few minutes ago, the Gorgalon house, home to Zorla and her 352 babies, was reportedly consumed by a giant explosion.
The house is still on fire, and we have some u-news footage from that location right now from a local resident there in Tularosa.
Sadly, officials in the area are reporting that it does not look like there are any survivors.
What a tragedy.
All those hundreds of babies.
It's really a shame, Tucker.
Keep your scope sighted on "The Fact Zone.
" Congratulations to everyone at "The Fact Zone" for a great five years.
Brooke, I know we've always had kind of a friendly rivalry.
I'm sort of a hyper, earnest nerd type.
You're more of a cheerleader, cruel bitch type.
But it-it's all in good fun.
Keep up the good work, you wretched hell wraith.
We have some very urgent breaking news coming into "The Fact Zone" right now.
The nation has descended into chaos after just moments ago it was discovered that the United States constitution expired in 1987.
Expired in 1987.
The discovery was apparently made when an employee at the national archives was cleaning the constitution's hermetically sealed case and noticed and expiration date printed on the bottom right hand corner of the document.
Hand corner of the document.
Right now the white house is attempting to quell the nation-wide panic that's erupted.
We urge everyone to please remain calm while we try to create a new framework for the organization of the United States government.
I will take your questions now, but be advised if I don't like your question, I may kill you with this gun, as there are no laws anymore.
Okay.
Okay.
All right, we're getting reports now that rioting has broken out throughout the nation, as millions of Americans have suddenly realized that they are no longer that they are no longer beholden to any authority.
Let's go live to John Harris in New York City.
John, tell us, what is the scene like out there? Pandemonium, Brooke.
People taking full advantage of having absolutely no legal, uh, enforcements here on the streets, property being seized, uh, without repercussion, people quartering soldiers in their homes.
Uh, I've seen several people, being, uh, taken in as slaves already.
Now apparently, the only thing separating animals and us was this single document.
Are authorities doing anything there to maintain order? Brooke, there are no more authorities.
Uh, we can't even call the military in, because they disbanded immediately after hearing that, uh, they no longer had a commander in chief.
Okay, now, people out here are literally driving around in tanks and fighter jets, uh, randomly, uh hey, don't touch the camera! No! Samantha! John? John? Well, as long as our entire system of government is now null and void, I may as well take this opportunity to suggest myself as a possible future leader to rally around.
Allow me to state my case.
With my vast breadth of knowledge and undeniable charisma, I believe I'd make a skilled and effective commander of the post American state.
Say "goodbye" to the cowardice and indecision of the past.
With Brooke Alvarez in charge, hunger, fear, and weakness would be but a distant memory.
Those who would like to join me, meet me here at the studio, and we shall begin the task of creating a mighty new empire from the ashes of the old.
The future is now, viewers.
I'm your best option.
Until then, thanks for watching "The Fact Zone.
" Tread carefully out there.