The Patrick Star Show (2021) s01e04 Episode Script

1
Hi!
I'm Patrick Star!
And I live with my parents!
Oh!
This is my dad!
This is my mom!
[giggles]
This is my sister!
She's shy.
This is my grandpa!
This is my room!
And this
♪
This is my show!
♪
[snoring]
♪
[thud, crash]
[stammering]
-[thud]
-[GrandPat] Ohhh!
[snoring]
♪
[crash]
[grunting]
[cork pops]
♪
Bblbblbbl!
[yawns]
[crash]
[Patrick] Oh, oh.
Uh! Ooh!
Oh, oh!
A yard sale?
Why would anyone
want to sell
their pricelessly valuable
belongings to strangers?
Yech! I wouldn't part
with my stuff for the world.
Oh, no!
They wouldn't dare!
Aah!
I knew it!
I've been robbed
by my own family!
[grunting]
[motor whirring]
Oh.
[groans]
Gah! Ah! Yah!
How much for the jewels?
They're kind of old.
How does two bucks sound?
Aaah!
Oh!
Cease and desist!
My belongings
are not for sale!
I'll give you a buck 50.
Sold!
[bell dings]
[chuckles]
Patrick,
it's not yours to sell!
Hey, I paid for that!
Here's a booby prize,
you boob!
A lollipop!
Oh, boy!
[Cecil groans]
[grunting]
Don't be a grouch, Dad.
[coughing]
Everyone in the family
contributed to the yard sale.
We're selling old junk,
and everything you have
is old junk.
Do the math.
Hand it over.
[whimpers]
Come on.
[whimpering]
You don't understand.
Each one of
these precious vintage antiques
represents a precious
vintage memory of mine.
Oh, just what
I've been looking for!
[groaning]
How much for this?
Hey!
Oh! A lollipop!
Mmm-mmm!
Take this novelty thumb,
for instance.
It's a souvenir
from ancient Rome.
That's way back when I was
a whippersnappin' young buck!
Who-o-a.
[babbling]
[groans]
What is it, Grandfather?
What do you see?
I see the Clamosseum.
[GrandPat] The Clamosseum was
packed to capacity that day
for the glorious
gladiator battle.
[crowd booing]
And no gladiator
was more feared or revered
than the great
and stupid warrior Moronicus.
[growling]
-[chanting] Moronicus!
-[crowd cheering]
Whoo! Whoo!
His fans loved to watch him
crush his opponents
with brutal strength.
And, boy, did he give them
something to nerd out about.
[chuckling]
[gladiator #1]
Let me out of here!
[gladiator #2]
It's not funny!
He came from a famous family
of battling morons,
but he was
the all-time champion.
[crowd cheering]
Some fun, eh, son?
[laughs]
Yeah!
That monster
was so big and dumb
that he couldn't tell
friend from foe.
So it was my duty
to keep him in line.
[laughs]
[crowd booing]
[roars]
♪
I was a Clamosseum clown,
the most dangerous job
in Rome.
[roaring]
♪
[laughing]
Mwah!
[crowd booing]
But on that day,
that big dummy bested me.
Ooh, and he had
horrible halitosis.
Suddenly, I was on trial
for my life.
They unanimously voted
and it wasn't good.
[crowd cheering]
I knew I was a goner,
for sure now.
I needed a plan
and I needed it quick.
[grunting]
♪
Ha ha!
Ooh!
Aha!
[shouting indistinctly]
[growls]
♪
I didn't mean
to hurt the big moron.
[babbling]
[chuckles nervously]
Ta-da?
Oh, I knew the crowd
would tear me apart for it.
How wrong I was.
[crowd cheering]
They loved me!
Yah-ha!
[crowd cheering]
Way to go, buddy!
I was showered in thumbs!
Which really hurt 'cause
they were made out of cement.
Yay!
Bblbblbbl!
[groaning]
[laughs]
So!
Tell me about ancient Rome!
Oh, I just did!
Didn't you see the flashback?!
Ohh.
I must have dozed off.
[sonar pinging]
Uh! Oh!
Hello, sir!
Could I interest you
in a lovely array
of rusty old tools?
Rusty. Ooh!
Hmm.
[clanking]
[snaps]
How much for
the vintage nose-hair pullers?
Those ain't
nose-hair pullers!
They're teeth-yanking pliers
from my
mediaeval dentistry days.
[groans]
[babbling]
It was the Dark Ages,
and I was the only toothsmith
in the kingdom.
[grunting and groaning]
♪
Almost got it!
♪
[grunting and groaning
continues]
Waaaah!
♪
[crash]
There!
That's the last one.
You'll never have
a toothache again.
[lisping] Thanks!
You can rinse now,
my good man.
[zapping]
Ohh.
A royal jelly message
from the palace!
It's from Princess Pearlina.
She says, "Dear Dentist,
I've got a malignant
mandible molar
that's in need of your
marvellous medical magic!"
Oh!
I will yank out your pain,
my princess!
By my pliers,
I swear!
[zapping]
[donkey braying]
♪
Whoa, Bicuspid!
This is it!
♪
[spits]
[braying]
Cast your eyes skyward,
noble dentist,
for I am "hair"!
[laughs]
Princess Pearlina,
let down your hair,
that I may climb
your golden stair.
Not now.
I just washed it.
I'll come to you.
[laughing]
♪
I applaud your swift arrival,
good dentist.
The pain of this tooth
has become quite unbearable.
And it "hoits"!
So I shall not disappoint you,
milady, and I shall not dally.
Oh.
Okay, where's that
nasty old tooth hiding?
Oh, no, no, no.
It is not my tooth
that is in horrible pain.
[both] Huh?
It is his.
[inhales deeply, whistles]
[roaring]
[whimpers]
[sobs]
Ohh!
This is Mr. Boots,
my royal guard dragon.
[whining]
Open your mouth
for the nice man, Mr. Boots.
Aaaaah!
I'll catch up with you later,
Bicuspid!
Guh. I hope.
Ohh.
So many teeth.
But which one's the bad one?
I guess there's only
one way to find out.
Alley-oop!
Is this the tooth?!
No!
Hmm.
No!
No.
No.
Hyah!
-[Princess Pearlina] No.
-[GrandPat groans]
Ouch!
Watch it, Buster!
Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't see you there.
Honest mistake, my good chap.
I've been stuck here
for so long
I can no longer
tell the difference
between a day and a "knight."
Ha ha ha ha!
Break out the onion dip, Roddy.
We have company!
Uh, no, thanks.
I'm just looking
for a bad tooth.
Oh, what's that, Roddy?
Roddy says the rotten tooth
you seek
is down the tongue
and to the left.
Much obliged, fellas.
Ta-ta!
Whoa!
Ah! Ooh! Oh!
Ow! Ooh.
Is this the tooth?!
[sighs]
-[Princess Pearlina] Yes!
-[GrandPat ] Finally.
♪
[grunting]
[grunting]
♪
[sighs]
I can't do this alone.
I need help.
Okay, everyone.
We yank
on the count of three.
One, twothree!
[grunting]
[pops]
Oh ho ho!
[all cheering]
-[Princess Pearlina] Mwah!
-[GrandPat] Oh!
Roddy wants kisses!
Goodbye, Sir Dentist!
[Knight] Ta-ta!
[GrandPat] Goodbye!
Don't forget to floss!
And that's why
they're not for sale!
You call this a lollipop?
Pathetic.
Now, that's what
I'm talking about.
Mmm-hmm-hmm!
[slurping]
Barnacles, GrandPat!
I almost had that sale.
And you're not selling my
dragon-tooth furniture either!
Yaah!
How much for the brain?
[giggling]
[babbling]
Oh. Not mine.
Oh!
Num-num-num.
It's not mine either.
Looks like you got yourself
a free brain, mister.
You are free now,
little brain.
Free!
[giggling]
Free stuff, eh?
Can I have this
old vacuum cleaner for free?
Ah, of course not!
This old vacuum reminds me
of my days in the Old West
when I was a rootin'-tootin'
travelling salesman.
[babbling]
♪
It was 1849,
and this brash young man was
selling vacuums door-to-door.
Go away "Elsie."
Good thing
my name ain't "Elsie."
[groans]
Good morning, sir!
I'm here to tell you about
a newfangled automatic broom
you can't live without --
the vacuum cleaner!
Now, I don't need to tell you
that a clean mine
is a happy mine.
A clean "mime"?
I wash my mime twice a day,
sonny!
And it don't make him happy.
♪
You're no mime cleaner.
You're a gold stealer!
Get off of my claim,
you carpetbaggerer!
Oh, wait! Yow!
[miner chuckling]
Just let me demonstrate
how much power
is in this incredible
little vacuum.
[whirring]
♪
[giggling]
Ah!
♪
Whoo-hoo.
Whoo-hoo.
This little sweetheart
is handy, dandy,
and even picks up candy.
Ooh!
[chuckles]
Ha ha ha!
And if you thought that sucked,
let me show you
some real suction!
[rattling]
Whoa!
Whoa-oa-oa! Whoa!
I knew you were fixing
to steal my gold!
Sic 'im, Marcel.
[bell dinging]
Yee-haw!
♪
Aah!
Yeah, that off switch
is a little sticky.
Hello?
Hmm?
Where'd they go?
No sale again.
But I got closer that time!
Doop-be-doop-boop ♪
I never struck it rich,
but my memories
are more precious than gold.
Quick, before he snaps out
of his trance, let's haggle!
I'll give you a rock
shaped like a nickel for it.
Hmm
Sold!
[chuckling]
[miner] Hello?
Has the West been won yet?!
[groans]
Hey, where's my vacuum?!
Huh?
♪
Memory stealer!
[grunts]
[child] Whoa!
Oh!
Yeah!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Where do you think
you're going with that?
It's a loopy-hoop.
That's where I'm going with it.
That is not a child's toy!
It's an Oldie-O.
Everybody had one of these
when I was living
in thefuture.
Uhhh
What's the future like,
GrandPat?
Are there snacks?!
Everyone in the future
is older than they are now!
Even you will be a geezer
in the future.
No way!
Way!
[babbling]
Who-o-a.
I remember it
like it was tomorrow.
The year was 3000 A.D.,
and I went to
the mall of the future
to stand in the line
of the future
to buy products of the future.
[laughs]
Ooh!
[Robot] One Oldie-O
for the g-g-geezer.
Yeah. Whoa!
Whoa! Whoa! Ha ha!
Oh! Yeah.
Whoa, hey!
[laughs]
Top of the chrome dome
to you.
Lovely day.
-[GrandPat grunts]
-[beeping]
Huh?
What's that, now?
Oh, boy!
Lunchtime.
Mmm!
♪
Uhh.
Bblbblbbl!
[gasps]
Ahh.
Whoa!
Oh! Ah! Ooh hoo!
Uh! Whoa.
-[beeping]
-[GrandPat] Huh?
Uh!
Back to work!
Hee hee hee!
♪
Hee hee!
Go to work!
[laughing]
♪
Uh?!
[growling]
[crowd cheering]
[laughing]
♪
Bblbblbbl!
[roars]
♪
♪
Yeeah!
♪
[growling]
[beeping]
Ooh oh!
♪
[crying]
♪
[belches]
500 angry Romans agree --
Even in the future,
I'm the undisputed champion.
What?! That's the biggest load
of barnacles I ever heard.
Are you calling me
an untruthful, fibbin',
poppycocker?!
Bingo! I don't believe
in your future, beardy.
This is just
an old loopy-hoop.
Now give it!
Ohh.
[laughs]
Mm-hmm.
Enh!
Ah!
[laughing]
Uh. Hey!
Aaaaaah!
Bblbblbbl!
Another satisfied customer!
Stop peddling my past!
Huh?
Not for sale!
Not for sale!
Not for sale!
Not for sale!
Next wiseguy who touches
my memories gets the teeth!
Raargh!
How much are you asking?
What do you got,
cement in your ears, lady?!
My stuff is not for sale!
[laughs] I'm not interested
in your stuff.
I'm interested in you.
♪
What?
We're in the market for a new
grandpa, aren't we, Billy?
I guess.
Get off!
Our old grandpa
is on the fritz.
♪
I'll give you 50 bucks
to be our new grandpa.
Absolutely not!
My GrandPat is not for sale!
Then how about 50 bucks
and one of these?
Ooh, a lolly!
[gasps]
Oh, tapioca-flavoured!
Sold!
So long, Star family!
I'm going to a better place!
With a pool!
♪
I wish I had a new grandpa.
Did you say "new grandpa"?
Yeah.
Then come on down
to Pappy Farms grandpa ranch.
We've got broom-fed
free-range grandpas
just waiting to read you
a story,
blather on about the war, or
fall asleep watching a recital.
-[Boy] I got three grandpas!
-[Grandpa farts]
I got a chicken!
Patrick, we're here
for grandpas!
Aww.
So come on down to Pappy Farms!
[Announcer] Exit 9,
just off the bubble freeway.
♪
♪
♪
♪