The Pentaverate (2022) s01e04 Episode Script
Episode 4
1
Ken, where are you? Ken? Ken?
Okay.
30,000 emails just magically disappear.
I mean, how do you explain that? Hey, Anthony, do you ever think your obsession with conspiracies is a substitute for real human connection? No, not really.
Okay.
What about the deep state? Is all of that lies? Yes.
Oh.
Huh? What? So the government doesn't do anything bad? No, they do dumb shit all the time.
Like evil shit.
You mean like Pizzagate? No, I mean like the Tuskegee syphilis experiment, where they deliberately gave 600 infected Black men placebos so they could study the effects of the untreated disease, kind of evil shit.
I agree.
I think there is conspiracy out there, but they get you hooked on the fake ones to distract from the real ones.
Okay.
So I'm not just some smelly old guy.
No, you are quite smelly.
I'm concerned that you don't really wash yourself, like, you know, with soap.
Soap? What? No one needs soap.
That's all propaganda from big soap.
Everyone needs soap.
We're gonna have to put a pin in that, okay? 'Cause we are so close to exposing these jackoffs.
Can't you smell it? I literally haven't inhaled in three hours.
All right.
Come on.
Come on, kid, where are ya? Where are ya? Oh! Oh my God! I smell something for sure.
It wasn't me, kid.
Roll down the window.
What? I told you he was following me! "You'll never expose the" In 1984, four schoolboys meet a young girl called Eleven and discover a place called the Upside Down.
You see, you've got to pay attention, haven't you? That's Stranger Things.
And this show's called The Pentaverate, about a secret society who are nice.
Anyway, episode four.
Well, you've done three of the buggers.
Trust me, you'd be a right dick to bail on it now.
Musk is in hyperloop, eastbound to Dubrovnik Central.
Speed, Mach 3.
Hold onto your lunch! Whoo! You enjoy that, kid? Come on, let's go get that key! Hoo-ah! This way, kid.
All right, Ken, I'm gonna need you to focus.
We gotta get in there and get that key.
There's Dubrovnik Castle.
That's where the Parce Clavem is.
Ah.
May the ogre accept your net of regrets.
Oh, right, because of the Festival of the Ogre of Dubrovnik.
Every year, the townspeople offer their nets of regret to the Ogre of Dubrovnik for absolution.
Oh, that's interesting.
Shit, it's Sasquatch! We gotta lose him, Ken.
- Move out of the way.
- Get out of the way! We gotta go.
Sorry! You go find the fortune-teller's shop, and I'll try and lead him down this alley.
I can't run too good on account I got necrosis of the left testis.
From a western? No, it's from when I was stunt coordinator on The Golden Girls.
Fuck Estelle Getty! - Okay.
- One important thing.
Don't touch the key.
- Don't touch the key? - Don't touch the key! Now go! Don't touch the key.
Don't touch the key.
Hoo-ah! Hoo-ah! Oh shit, there it goes.
Excuse me, sorry.
Excuse me.
Sorry, ma'am.
Sorry, excuse me.
Sorry.
Oh! Excuse me.
There is the Ogre of Dubrovnik! Ogre! Ogre! - Please accept my net of regrets.
- Here's my net! Here's I've got this one, laddie.
I'm the real Ogre of Dubrovnik.
Now get out of my swamp! And stay down! And then I saw her face ♪ - Thanks, Shrek.
- You're welcome, laddie.
I'm a believer ♪ Ogre! Not a trace ♪ Of doubt in my mind ♪ I'm a believer ♪ Welcome to my hall of mirrors, Ken Scarborough.
Who said that? I did.
Who are you? I am the Saester of Dubrovnik.
Oh, like the Maester of Dubrovnik.
I am the Maester's saester.
The Maester is my braester.
Well, I have some very bad news, I'm afraid.
The Maester is dead.
Believed to be murdered.
My kid braester dead? This is a disaester! Well, I'm very sorry about that, but What the hell? What the Has anybody contacted our maether and our faether? I I don't know what you're I I wish I could, uh Oh! Okay, sure.
Ow! Ow! And we have two caesins in Kaiserslautern.
Do the Kaiserslautern caesins know about my braester, the Maester? Ma'am, I'm very sorry for your loss, but I'm actually here on official Pentaverate business.
Is this about the copier? Did Katie from HR send you? What? Oh, nothing, nothing.
I'm searching for the Parce Clavem.
Ah, well, it isn't here.
You've wasted your time.
Good day! Hello? Saester? I happen to know for a fact that the key is here.
Damn, you are good.
I am keeper of Parce Clavem.
It's Latin for Spare key.
Damn, you are good.
Ken Scarborough, look into the mirror r r r What do you see? I see Ken Scarborough.
And who is that? Just a nice Canadian guy.
Drink from the Chalice of Malice.
From the decanter springs forth mean banter.
Sip from the cup, your anger will erupt.
Being kind no longer an excuse when your veins course with angry juice! 5 I don't want to be angry! I want to be nice! Pick up the gun.
You'll never hit this nun.
The mirror gives deception.
You'll miss my direction.
Well, I'm not gonna shoot a nun.
Hit your target to retrieve the key, or I will dispose of thee! Okay, uh Oh, fuck! Oh, fuck! Whoa! Jesus, what have you done? You told me to shoot you! With all these fucking mirrors, you're not supposed to get it right first time, are you? There's 30 fucking mirrors here.
I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Just take your fucking key and fuck off.
What about your leg? Yes, well, I'm calling an ambulance.
Oh God.
You know I'm gonna have to pay for this? 'Cause I can hardly put "Pentaverate" on the insurance claim, can I? Put down that gun, Dick fucking Cheney.
And be gone with you.
Fuck off.
Christ.
Ow! - That stings.
- It's fusing with your DNA, you dipshit.
I mean, it really hurt.
Oh, does it really hurt? I'm so sorry, sweetie.
Well, it hurts more than being shot in the leg? Hurts more than being told your brother's been murdered? Be gone with you, you silly old prick.
Yes, hello.
Ambulance, please.
- Sorry.
- Hall of mirrors.
Yes, again.
- 'Cause I believe in the Pentaverate.
- Join us in protecting the world.
The Liechtenstein Guard are a band of brothers.
They do some pretty good things though, eh? - We've already replaced ya.
- Did you know that dolphins can queef? Hello? Hello! I believe you have the Parce Clavem.
Yes, I do.
Hand it over, please.
You stand before us accused of crimes against the Pentaverate.
What crimes? You steal Parce Clavem.
I didn't steal it! I brought it back.
You touched it.
You wrecked it.
Only you can use it now.
Read the charges.
The charges are as follows.
Theft of the Parce Clavem.
Two counts of murder.
- Jason Eccleston and Professor Clark.
- Murder? I didn't murder anybody! Silence! We know your true identity.
Canadian journalist Ken Scarborough.
Bring us the SD card.
MENTOR! Here we are at the Pentaverate.
There's plenty of things to do You were born in your mother's ass.
Whee! I'm gonna write my name.
K-E-N.
Yeah, like you've never done that.
I hate to be a bore, but is there enough evidence to convict? We should comb through all the footage first.
Cube him in the meantime.
- Seconded.
- Resolved.
Ken shall be cubed.
Have you anything to say? Yeah.
Where's Higgins? What happened to Higgins? My God.
Behold the head of a traitor.
Higgins let a journalist in the Liechtenstein Guard, and of course The Pentaverate must never be exposed.
Cube him! Cube him! Cube him! Cube him! What what's going on here? Where are you taking me? If you go down in the woods today You're sure of a big surprise ♪ If you go down in the woods today ♪ It is officially nighttime.
I'm Maria Menounos for Pentaverate TV, reminding you that tomorrow is The Meadows, the biggest event of the year.
And now, tonight's movie is Face/Off.
Good night, Pentaverate HQ.
If you go down in the woods today You'd better not go alone ♪ Schnell! For every bear that ever there was ♪ I was trying to help! Today's the day The teddy bears have their picnic ♪ Are you gonna kill me? You expect me to fly that helicopter? Well, how did you know that? Well, that's a fine how-do-you-do.
Reilly, you're here! - How did you get here? - I was knocked out.
The guy with the mustache told me to get in the helicopter.
Alrighty, well, buckle up.
I haven't flown one of these in years.
All right, we're heading back to Toronto.
Holy jumpin', do I have a story to tell.
All right, let's go.
- You ready? Here we go! - Yeah.
CACA, here we come! Whoo! Over there is where Alex Trebek lives.
- He's - Canadian.
- That's right, yeah.
- Mm-hmm.
And Celine Dion.
- She's Canadian.
- That's right.
And over there is Bill Pemberton.
You know him.
- No.
- He invented the squeegee.
Canadian.
Someone ♪ Told me not to cry ♪ Now that ♪ Get up! Okay, Ken, what are you doing? I'm not doing anything.
It's got a mind of its own! Come on! Who's controlling this? Are we gonna die? - Ouch! - Jeez, let me go! Whoa, whoa, whoa! What is happening? Where are you taking us? Hello, dickwad and friend.
Greetings and fuck-utations.
Wacky Skip Cho here.
Fun time is over, Ken Scarborough.
Because it is time for you to help us.
Help you? Don't be so naive.
I'm the bad guy.
Duh.
I'm the bad guy ♪ So you're a tough guy Like it really rough guy ♪ Just can't get enough guy Chest always so puffed guy ♪ I'm that bad type Make your mama sad type ♪ Make your girlfriend mad type Might seduce your dad type ♪ I'm the bad guy ♪ Duh.
I'm the bad guy ♪ Duh ♪ I'm only good at being bad ♪ Bad ♪ I'm the bad guy ♪ I'm I'm the bad guy ♪
30,000 emails just magically disappear.
I mean, how do you explain that? Hey, Anthony, do you ever think your obsession with conspiracies is a substitute for real human connection? No, not really.
Okay.
What about the deep state? Is all of that lies? Yes.
Oh.
Huh? What? So the government doesn't do anything bad? No, they do dumb shit all the time.
Like evil shit.
You mean like Pizzagate? No, I mean like the Tuskegee syphilis experiment, where they deliberately gave 600 infected Black men placebos so they could study the effects of the untreated disease, kind of evil shit.
I agree.
I think there is conspiracy out there, but they get you hooked on the fake ones to distract from the real ones.
Okay.
So I'm not just some smelly old guy.
No, you are quite smelly.
I'm concerned that you don't really wash yourself, like, you know, with soap.
Soap? What? No one needs soap.
That's all propaganda from big soap.
Everyone needs soap.
We're gonna have to put a pin in that, okay? 'Cause we are so close to exposing these jackoffs.
Can't you smell it? I literally haven't inhaled in three hours.
All right.
Come on.
Come on, kid, where are ya? Where are ya? Oh! Oh my God! I smell something for sure.
It wasn't me, kid.
Roll down the window.
What? I told you he was following me! "You'll never expose the" In 1984, four schoolboys meet a young girl called Eleven and discover a place called the Upside Down.
You see, you've got to pay attention, haven't you? That's Stranger Things.
And this show's called The Pentaverate, about a secret society who are nice.
Anyway, episode four.
Well, you've done three of the buggers.
Trust me, you'd be a right dick to bail on it now.
Musk is in hyperloop, eastbound to Dubrovnik Central.
Speed, Mach 3.
Hold onto your lunch! Whoo! You enjoy that, kid? Come on, let's go get that key! Hoo-ah! This way, kid.
All right, Ken, I'm gonna need you to focus.
We gotta get in there and get that key.
There's Dubrovnik Castle.
That's where the Parce Clavem is.
Ah.
May the ogre accept your net of regrets.
Oh, right, because of the Festival of the Ogre of Dubrovnik.
Every year, the townspeople offer their nets of regret to the Ogre of Dubrovnik for absolution.
Oh, that's interesting.
Shit, it's Sasquatch! We gotta lose him, Ken.
- Move out of the way.
- Get out of the way! We gotta go.
Sorry! You go find the fortune-teller's shop, and I'll try and lead him down this alley.
I can't run too good on account I got necrosis of the left testis.
From a western? No, it's from when I was stunt coordinator on The Golden Girls.
Fuck Estelle Getty! - Okay.
- One important thing.
Don't touch the key.
- Don't touch the key? - Don't touch the key! Now go! Don't touch the key.
Don't touch the key.
Hoo-ah! Hoo-ah! Oh shit, there it goes.
Excuse me, sorry.
Excuse me.
Sorry, ma'am.
Sorry, excuse me.
Sorry.
Oh! Excuse me.
There is the Ogre of Dubrovnik! Ogre! Ogre! - Please accept my net of regrets.
- Here's my net! Here's I've got this one, laddie.
I'm the real Ogre of Dubrovnik.
Now get out of my swamp! And stay down! And then I saw her face ♪ - Thanks, Shrek.
- You're welcome, laddie.
I'm a believer ♪ Ogre! Not a trace ♪ Of doubt in my mind ♪ I'm a believer ♪ Welcome to my hall of mirrors, Ken Scarborough.
Who said that? I did.
Who are you? I am the Saester of Dubrovnik.
Oh, like the Maester of Dubrovnik.
I am the Maester's saester.
The Maester is my braester.
Well, I have some very bad news, I'm afraid.
The Maester is dead.
Believed to be murdered.
My kid braester dead? This is a disaester! Well, I'm very sorry about that, but What the hell? What the Has anybody contacted our maether and our faether? I I don't know what you're I I wish I could, uh Oh! Okay, sure.
Ow! Ow! And we have two caesins in Kaiserslautern.
Do the Kaiserslautern caesins know about my braester, the Maester? Ma'am, I'm very sorry for your loss, but I'm actually here on official Pentaverate business.
Is this about the copier? Did Katie from HR send you? What? Oh, nothing, nothing.
I'm searching for the Parce Clavem.
Ah, well, it isn't here.
You've wasted your time.
Good day! Hello? Saester? I happen to know for a fact that the key is here.
Damn, you are good.
I am keeper of Parce Clavem.
It's Latin for Spare key.
Damn, you are good.
Ken Scarborough, look into the mirror r r r What do you see? I see Ken Scarborough.
And who is that? Just a nice Canadian guy.
Drink from the Chalice of Malice.
From the decanter springs forth mean banter.
Sip from the cup, your anger will erupt.
Being kind no longer an excuse when your veins course with angry juice! 5 I don't want to be angry! I want to be nice! Pick up the gun.
You'll never hit this nun.
The mirror gives deception.
You'll miss my direction.
Well, I'm not gonna shoot a nun.
Hit your target to retrieve the key, or I will dispose of thee! Okay, uh Oh, fuck! Oh, fuck! Whoa! Jesus, what have you done? You told me to shoot you! With all these fucking mirrors, you're not supposed to get it right first time, are you? There's 30 fucking mirrors here.
I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Just take your fucking key and fuck off.
What about your leg? Yes, well, I'm calling an ambulance.
Oh God.
You know I'm gonna have to pay for this? 'Cause I can hardly put "Pentaverate" on the insurance claim, can I? Put down that gun, Dick fucking Cheney.
And be gone with you.
Fuck off.
Christ.
Ow! - That stings.
- It's fusing with your DNA, you dipshit.
I mean, it really hurt.
Oh, does it really hurt? I'm so sorry, sweetie.
Well, it hurts more than being shot in the leg? Hurts more than being told your brother's been murdered? Be gone with you, you silly old prick.
Yes, hello.
Ambulance, please.
- Sorry.
- Hall of mirrors.
Yes, again.
- 'Cause I believe in the Pentaverate.
- Join us in protecting the world.
The Liechtenstein Guard are a band of brothers.
They do some pretty good things though, eh? - We've already replaced ya.
- Did you know that dolphins can queef? Hello? Hello! I believe you have the Parce Clavem.
Yes, I do.
Hand it over, please.
You stand before us accused of crimes against the Pentaverate.
What crimes? You steal Parce Clavem.
I didn't steal it! I brought it back.
You touched it.
You wrecked it.
Only you can use it now.
Read the charges.
The charges are as follows.
Theft of the Parce Clavem.
Two counts of murder.
- Jason Eccleston and Professor Clark.
- Murder? I didn't murder anybody! Silence! We know your true identity.
Canadian journalist Ken Scarborough.
Bring us the SD card.
MENTOR! Here we are at the Pentaverate.
There's plenty of things to do You were born in your mother's ass.
Whee! I'm gonna write my name.
K-E-N.
Yeah, like you've never done that.
I hate to be a bore, but is there enough evidence to convict? We should comb through all the footage first.
Cube him in the meantime.
- Seconded.
- Resolved.
Ken shall be cubed.
Have you anything to say? Yeah.
Where's Higgins? What happened to Higgins? My God.
Behold the head of a traitor.
Higgins let a journalist in the Liechtenstein Guard, and of course The Pentaverate must never be exposed.
Cube him! Cube him! Cube him! Cube him! What what's going on here? Where are you taking me? If you go down in the woods today You're sure of a big surprise ♪ If you go down in the woods today ♪ It is officially nighttime.
I'm Maria Menounos for Pentaverate TV, reminding you that tomorrow is The Meadows, the biggest event of the year.
And now, tonight's movie is Face/Off.
Good night, Pentaverate HQ.
If you go down in the woods today You'd better not go alone ♪ Schnell! For every bear that ever there was ♪ I was trying to help! Today's the day The teddy bears have their picnic ♪ Are you gonna kill me? You expect me to fly that helicopter? Well, how did you know that? Well, that's a fine how-do-you-do.
Reilly, you're here! - How did you get here? - I was knocked out.
The guy with the mustache told me to get in the helicopter.
Alrighty, well, buckle up.
I haven't flown one of these in years.
All right, we're heading back to Toronto.
Holy jumpin', do I have a story to tell.
All right, let's go.
- You ready? Here we go! - Yeah.
CACA, here we come! Whoo! Over there is where Alex Trebek lives.
- He's - Canadian.
- That's right, yeah.
- Mm-hmm.
And Celine Dion.
- She's Canadian.
- That's right.
And over there is Bill Pemberton.
You know him.
- No.
- He invented the squeegee.
Canadian.
Someone ♪ Told me not to cry ♪ Now that ♪ Get up! Okay, Ken, what are you doing? I'm not doing anything.
It's got a mind of its own! Come on! Who's controlling this? Are we gonna die? - Ouch! - Jeez, let me go! Whoa, whoa, whoa! What is happening? Where are you taking us? Hello, dickwad and friend.
Greetings and fuck-utations.
Wacky Skip Cho here.
Fun time is over, Ken Scarborough.
Because it is time for you to help us.
Help you? Don't be so naive.
I'm the bad guy.
Duh.
I'm the bad guy ♪ So you're a tough guy Like it really rough guy ♪ Just can't get enough guy Chest always so puffed guy ♪ I'm that bad type Make your mama sad type ♪ Make your girlfriend mad type Might seduce your dad type ♪ I'm the bad guy ♪ Duh.
I'm the bad guy ♪ Duh ♪ I'm only good at being bad ♪ Bad ♪ I'm the bad guy ♪ I'm I'm the bad guy ♪