The Ranch (2016) s01e04 Episode Script

1 Anybody seen my hammer? Yep, right here.
Using a hammer to open a twist-off.
You ought to patent that.
I'm goin' to your mother's.
With a hammer? We gonna be on the news? When you say stupid shit like that all day, do you go to bed proud? Yes, I do, sir.
Then I do something else in bed, and I feel ashamed.
Hey.
What the hell's going on with Mom and Dad? They're still married, but they don't live together, but they're still hooking up? Yeah, I asked Dad once.
He just grunted.
So I asked Mom, she went on this, like, 45-minute speech.
I couldn't understand what she was saying, but she did use the phrase "sexual soulmates.
" Hey, you wanna go to the bar and watch this game? Nah, I don't really feel like it.
You don't feel like drinking? Your herpes flaring up? I'm drinking right now.
Plus, you can drink when you got herpes.
Ha! You didn't say you don't got it.
- Are you done? - Yeah, I'm done.
But I can come back at any time.
Just like your herpes.
- Come on, man.
- Let's go.
What? I I just said I don't wanna go.
Colt, if you don't wanna go to the bar, watch football, and get blackout drunk, then I am genuinely concerned about you.
I just don't wanna run into Abby, all right? Why? What'd you do? Give her herpes? Yes, I have herpes.
Enjoy.
Joke's on you.
Now you definitely got herpes.
So why don't you wanna see her? Well, you know, the other night, we were hanging out.
And I thought she was giving me a signal, and I went in for a kiss and she shot me down.
That's it? Dude, if I avoided every girl I tried to kiss, I couldn't go to the bank, the dentist, the middle school Relax, you pervert, it was a crossing guard.
Come on, you're comin' or what? I don't have to go to the bar to have fun.
Well, we got no more beer left in the house.
Let's go.
Attaboy.
Man.
A crossing guard? What, you seriously You tried to kiss a woman who was holding a big red sign that said "stop"? Yeah.
I should have read that sign, too.
She's the one who gave me herpes.
- How's it going? - Good as new.
Actually, when it was new, it turned on.
And you wonder why our boys are such smart-asses.
Maybe I'll just take it apart and start from the ground up.
Beau, it's 20 years old.
I'll just buy a new one.
So, you're just gonna buy a new one every 20 years? They can build these things to last a thousand.
But they won't.
'Cause of suckers like you.
Yeah, it's either the Global Kitchen Appliance Cartel, or the fact that I got high and tried to microwave a frying pan.
These are for you.
Veggies straight from my garden.
This my punishment for not fixing your microwave? Come on, you're supposed to take care of yourself.
Oh, great.
So the boys are gonna get to have steak, but the joke's on them.
'Cause I get to have one of these delicious turnips.
What's wrong? Are you really this upset about having to eat some vegetables? Also, you're holding a radish.
Hey, you wanna do something different tonight? Last time you said that to me, you made me try some exotic food.
We went to a Mexican restaurant.
You had an enchilada.
No, I was just thinking, you know, we could use that night I won at the Marriott.
Hotels are for businessmen and prostitutes.
Well, we can role play whatever you want.
Come on, when was the last time you did something spontaneous? Just the other day, checking out at the feed store, I bought some gum.
Didn't care for it.
I'm serious.
All you do is work.
You deserve a break.
- I don't have a change of clothes.
- Don't need one.
- It's 30 miles away.
- I'll drive.
Vet's coming to the ranch at 6:30 in the morning.
I can have you home by 6:00.
- I'm going, aren't I? - I'll get a sweater.
Fuck you.
Well, I'm not gonna put you on the back of my bike again if you're gonna scream like a little girl.
- I was not screaming.
- Please.
"Dude, stop.
It's not funny.
Dude, slow down.
It's not funny.
" But it was funny.
I was sliding off the back 'cause I was trying to keep my dick from touching your butt.
Hey, boys.
What's up, Hank? These are Maggie's sons.
They drink for free.
They'll have three beers.
Well, there's Abby.
Ah, man.
I know I gotta talk to her, but I don't wanna Thanks.
That's 'cause you care about her and you feel bad about what you did.
Key is, speak from the heart and tell her the truth.
It'll be tough, but she'll respect your honesty.
Where the hell did that come from? Well, I mess around a lot, but deep down I'm a good guy.
Now, if you'll excuse me I'm gonna go tell this chick I got a ten-inch dong and live in a mansion.
All right, Hank.
Wish me luck.
What's that, Colt? You want a burger, no onions? Hey, Abby.
What do you want, Colt? Would it break the tension if I said a kiss? Look.
Listen, I'm I'm really sorry.
I, uh I was totally out of line.
I, uh, had too much to drink and just got caught up in the moment.
Also got caught up in those big, blue eyes.
Still nothing? Okay.
Uh Hey, why don't Why don't you give me a signal when you're ready to joke about this again? Oh! So, we're good.
Look, I'm Seriously, I'm I'm really, really sorry.
I was an idiot, and I I just It'll never happen again.
I want to be your friend.
And friends don't do that.
It's it's It's time for me to grow up, I suppose.
And why should I believe you? 'Cause you're a better person than I am? Now, that I believe.
I just I need you to take my relationship with Kenny seriously.
Yeah, absolutely.
Even though he was in the band? Hey! There are a lotta cool Kennys in bands.
There's Chesney, Loggins G.
There it is.
Hey, come on, we we good to start over or what? Yeah, yeah.
But I'm serious about this.
Kenny's my boyfriend and nothin' is gonna change that.
Message received.
- Okay.
We can start over.
- Good.
I'm Colt Bennett.
Are you single? What? Hey, Colt.
Ms.
Phillips! Cute top.
Oh, yeah Hi, Heather.
Oh.
Wow! Uh, you two know each other? Wait, you two know each other? Yeah, Ms.
Phillips was my history teacher.
And Colt and I hooked up.
Okay, good to know.
But to be clear, we did not We did not we didn't fully hook up.
- We just we hung out.
- Mmm.
Yeah.
Plus, his dad walked in right when we were about to do it.
So, Heather, how have you been since the last time I saw you? Four years ago in high school.
My ID totally worked.
Hi, I'm Nikki.
We know each other, Nikki.
You had me for tenth grade history.
Twice.
Tenth grade history, twice.
I hear that.
Hey, dude, I got a text from Dad.
Hey.
Rooster.
'Sup? Anyway, uh, Dad said he's taking Mom to the Marriott near Telluride.
Oh, my God, that's where we had prom last year.
Awesome.
Very awesome.
So the house is empty.
You guys down to hang? Does a three-legged dog swim in a circle? I I don't know.
Was he born without the paw? 'Cause if he was, he might've adapted.
Hey, uh, you and Kenny wanna come? Nah, sorry, I can't.
We're I'm actually waiting for him.
We're gonna bring some food to his mom.
She's not feeling well.
Oh.
Kenny's in.
He's gonna bring beer.
I guess we could stop by.
Man, I wish my parents would go out of town.
I'd love to throw a party.
Am I the only one here that doesn't live with their parents? It's broken.
Let's go home.
Just give it to me.
You know, the government uses those electronic cards to track your movements.
Really? So they know we're at the Marriott? Ta-da! I loosened it for you.
Wow, look! It's bigger than my Airstream.
What's that smell? I don't know, clean? Look, they gave us a bottle of wine.
Don't touch that.
Sometimes they charge you just for moving it.
There's a note from Kenny.
Nice.
Who's Kenny? Abby's boyfriend.
He's the manager here.
He gave us the free stay.
Oh, right.
And who's Abby? Colt's ex-girlfriend.
Colt's your son.
The window's broken.
It'll only open four inches.
I think I can fix it.
The window's fine.
Come on, what do you wanna do first? - I just wanna relax.
- Okay.
Well, that did it.
Ooh, they gave us robes.
Look, 700-thread count.
What does that mean? One thread for each person who's worn it before you? Wow! We got a Jacuzzi tub.
Maybe we could take a bath together later.
Or you could watch TV.
The one thing you can do at home.
Oh, that's not true.
At home, we don't get the Weather Channel.
Ooh.
Big low pressure system pushin' through Nebraska.
Oh! All right.
You miss this, it's game over.
Oh, I never miss.
Mmm.
Whoo! Suck it, Nikki.
No, you suck it, Heather.
All right.
This is hot.
I know.
I'm pissed.
I should've rented a trampoline.
All right, Heather, we're up.
It's you and me against Kenny and Abby.
By the way, Kenny, that's a great haircut.
Aw, thanks! He noticed.
All right, Kenny.
Eye on the prize, all right? If we win now, you win later.
Oh.
She's kidding.
We have an appropriate amount of sex either way.
You know, that's definitely a tough choice.
But, I mean junior college lasts, what, like, two years? Breast enlargement lasts forever.
So, dating a 22-year-old? Pretty awesome, bro! Oh, easy.
We ain't dating.
We're just having fun.
Oh, I'm sure you are.
You know, actually, Heather's really interesting.
Oh, I know.
I read her paper on why slavery was "like, totally not a cool thing.
" Yeah, well, it wasn't.
Oh.
Nice toss, Heather.
You guys have a lot in common? Yeah.
Yeah.
We both like pizza and we both live in Garrison.
We both hate slavery.
- Wow, solid foundation.
- Shut up.
Kenny! Focus! God! What do you care so much for? I was hoping you were looking for something serious.
Like an actual relationship.
I mean, you're almost twice her age.
Oh, God, you're right.
That's a bad thing.
That's a very bad thing.
You are unbelievable.
Hit the damn board, Kenny! Sorry, sweetie.
You should switch to water.
Maybe you should blow me.
Hey, why are you so interested in my relationship with Heather? Oh.
I don't think what you have is a relationship, Colt.
It's more like a playdate.
How do you know? I mean, she might be the one.
What's her last name? Maybe it'll be Bennett.
That was a nice throw, Kenny.
Cops! Hey, hey.
If they ask, she's 21, all right? Everybody put your hands in the air and wave 'em like you just don't care! The hell? - What up, boys? - Beer Pong! - He's cute.
- Hey, how we doing, boss? Nikki has a thing for cops.
It's true.
I do.
What about people who have been on the show Cops? Took off my shirt and my pants.
Beau, what happened to you? I thought you were gonna meet me in the bar.
There's a guy down here who's been talking on his phone for a half hour.
What? There's a guy in the parking lot talking on his phone.
Who talks on the phone for a half an hour? Who watches somebody talk on the phone for half an hour? Yeah, he's up to something.
He's wearing a suit and no belt.
Come on.
We haven't had a night away in years.
This is our chance to have fun, not watch some beltless guy in a parking lot eating a sandwich.
He's eating a sandwich now? He was having a piece of pizza a half hour ago.
Hey, why don't we try out that Jacuzzi now? Where do you think those businessmen take the prostitutes? For once, can we do something I wanna do without you making a fuss? I'm here, aren't I? I was just hoping we could enjoy a night together.
I'm enjoying myself.
You're enjoying yourself.
What's the problem? The problem is, you're completely oblivious.
Do you remember when I wanted to go away for my 50th? Yeah.
We went away.
To Denver! To a cattle auction! Those were registered cows, Maggie.
You can trace their lineage back ten generations.
You know how rare that is? That was a memory we can share forever.
Why do all the memories we share have to involve cows? We always do what you wanna do.
Are we really having this conversation again? Do you have any idea what I like to do? Apparently not.
I don't know why I keep thinking it's gonna be different.
This is why we can't live together.
We can't live together because you moved out to run a bar.
You really think that, don't you? I know when you started running that thing, when you were asleep, I was waking up, and when I was awake, you were going to bed.
You were never there.
Oh, Beau, even when you were there, you were never there.
And that was long before the bar.
You would work yourself to the bone to save that ranch, but you won't lift a finger to save this relationship.
You knew who I was when you married me.
No.
You were not this person when I married you.
You used to surprise me, you used to be romantic, actually.
You used to try.
We should just go.
Seriously? That's your response to this whole thing? You know what? I came here to have a good time and that's what I'm going to do.
You can do whatever you want.
I'm going to put on that robe, have a glass of wine, turn on those Jacuzzi jets, and have myself a good old time.
Now I get it.
It's so I don't jump.
Who wants to do a shot from my mouth? I do.
What the hell, man? I brought her here.
What the hell, man? I have a gun.
You're using your holster to hold a beer.
Yeah.
Pretty cool, huh? Wait, where's my gun? Anyone gonna do this? Whoa, déjà vu.
This is how I ended up on Cops.
Ms.
Phillips, do you wanna do a shot out of my mouth? I'm gonna pass.
It's okay, honey.
You can do it.
You know, I respect that, Kenny.
Yeah.
I'm sorry, but I'm not gonna make out with a 22-year-old.
I'll leave that to Colt.
You know what? Actually, I don't think you need to take a shot.
Hey, uh, who's up for a friendly game of beer pong? Does a three-legged dog Just say yes.
Are you okay? Yeah.
I'm fine.
I mean, do I have to take a shot from a girl's mouth to have a good time? No, you don't have to, but no one would judge you if you did.
You see Abby? The only thing I saw was Nikki's thong poking up from her jeans.
It's calling my name every time she bends over.
"Rooster.
Come get me.
" I'm telling you, all Abby's doing is talkin' shit about Heather.
Meanwhile, at the bar, she told me I gotta respect her relationship with her and Kenny.
And the guy tucks his T-shirt into his jeans.
He probably wears socks with his sandals.
He's a fanny pack away from being a German tourist.
First of all, there's nothing wrong with tucking your T-shirt into your jeans.
That's just class.
And second, that's girls, man.
They get all weird and jealous when they see you with somebody else.
It's like Hilary from the Dairy Queen.
She did not give me the time of day until she caught me with Wendy from the gas station.
Okay.
Okay.
So what did you do? You dumped Wendy to be with Hilary? Hell, no.
Had myself a threesome and a Butterfinger Blizzard.
Well, I ain't gonna have a threesome with Heather and Abby.
Not with that attitude, you're not.
You're not helping at all.
Look, man.
You got a hot chick out there, you know, who wants to bone you.
What are you doing, worrying about the one with a boyfriend? See, you couldn't have just led with that? I mean, I could have, but then I wouldn't have gotten a chance to tell you about my threesome at the DQ.
Oh, Billy, found your gun.
Whoa.
Surprise.
What are you doing? I'm trying.
Thank you.
Your robe's on inside out.
Yeah, well I figured less people wore it this way.
Look, I know I'm not the easiest person to live with, Mags No need to pause.
I'm not gonna disagree.
I've raised a couple of thousand head of cattle but you raised our boys without much help from me.
You put up with a lot and complained very little.
I never meant to take advantage of that.
I'm sorry.
We've tried it my way for 40 years.
Maybe we can try it your way for tonight.
All right.
It might be the wine talking, but I'll take it.
I appreciate this.
Tea with milk.
What? Tea with milk.
It's one of those things you like.
You also like books you gotta listen to and movies you gotta read.
And you like the quiet after the first snowfall of the year.
Beau, can we turn the Weather Channel off? I've never gotten drunk in the back of a cop car before.
Yeah.
Me neither.
I've gotten sick in a few.
Little tip, the windows do not roll down.
Oh Mmm - Want another? - I never say no.
All right, I'll go get those beers.
Think of a few more questions for you.
Hey, Colt.
Hey, I, uh I just wanted to say thanks.
- For what? - Inviting us over.
I know it could've been awkward and weird between you, me, and Abby, but you've been really cool about it.
So, thanks.
You're a good guy, Kenny.
I'm glad I got to know you.
Thanks, Colt.
You're a good guy, too.
All right, we ain't gonna hug.
Right, right.
Hey.
You okay? Yeah.
I just needed a second.
Why do you have two TVs? We have two TVs, but there's only one on that wall.
In case you're wondering, there ain't two deers up there, either.
"Deer," not deers.
The plural of "deer" is "deer.
" D-E-E-R.
Man, even when you're wasted, you're smarter than me.
I'm smarter than your girlfriend, too.
- Oh, whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Maybe - Mmm! Maybe we don't need that, huh? All right Come on.
What's your problem with Heather? She's a child.
Okay.
You told me to move on.
I'm doing that.
But it seems you got a problem with that, too.
So, why don't you Why don't you tell me who in this town is Abby-approved? No.
I'm not I'm not gonna do I'm not gonna tell you who you should date.
Oh, just just who I can't? Seriously, is there anybody out there that you're okay with me being with? Or do you just want me to be miserable and alone? I don't want that! No, I just I think that you deserve better.
Sometimes better is taken.
Whoa.
Maybe I'll get you a water.
Okay.
You know I wanna do that.
God knows, I wanna do that, all right? It's like, you're drunk and I'm You're in a relationship.
And that that Kenny, he's a he's a good guy.
Hell, he's better than me.
I mean, sure, that T-shirt thing is weird.
Look.
I mean, you asked me to mature, and that's what I'm doing.
If this ever does happen I don't want it to be something you regret.
Wait.
Why am I being arrested? I'm the only one here that doesn't live with their parents! Oh, you're fine.
Billy's gonna get you home safe.
Thanks again, it was a lot of fun.
Sorry about your wastebasket.
Hey, Billy.
- You good to drive? - Oh, yeah.
I just checked myself out.
.
04, I'm good to go.
Besides, who's gonna pull me over in this? - I want to ride in the cop car.
- You do? Can I play with the siren? Yeah, you can! You ever shot a gun? Suck it, Rooster! Her going with him.
Such bullshit.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Hey Abby tried to make a move on me in there.
You serious? What happened? Well, I did the mature thing.
You wore a condom? No! I told her it wasn't right.
Then I covered her with a blanket and I left.
Maybe you are getting mature.
Maybe I am.
Whoa! Colt, you wanna do me on the tractor? Yes, I do.
Girl, what happened to your shirt? - Do you really care? - Nope.
Screw this.
I'm going to the Dairy Queen.