The Real O'Neals (2016) s01e04 Episode Script

1 Too spiky.
Too flat.
Too Tilda Swinton.
[Coughs.]
Today is my first day back at school since coming out to the entire world.
I couldn't sleep at all last night.
Luckily, Jimmy was willing to stay up with me.
Okay, if we stay dedicated, we can binge-watch every season of "Game of Thrones" in one night.
Are you in? That's like 50 hours of television, Jimmy.
You don't think we can do it? Change how time works? No.
No, I don't think we can.
Challenge accepted.
[Theme music plays.]
I hardly paid attention, because I just kept thinking, "I'm gay and now everyone knows it, and what'll they " wait are those two dudes doing it? Morning.
What? [Chuckles.]
Why are you all staring at me? We were just talking about you, so when you came in we stopped.
Don't worry, bro when people at school call you names and bully you and make fun of the way that you run and throw and talk, I will protect you.
I will be your one-handed knight, and you'll be my little, bastard brother.
This is a lot on your shoulders.
You're the first out gay kid in our Catholic school.
So I just want to say I wish you'd taken a minute with your hair.
I spent an hour on this.
Can you wear a hat? Okay, I just don't want to make a big deal out of this.
I mean, it's the same school.
I am the same kid as I was last week.
They just, you know, know New information about me.
That's a great way of looking at it.
It's kind of like, uh, you won the lottery.
Mm, or killed someone.
What? You gave him an outrageous example, too.
I just think it's smart to stay under the radar.
Look at me and your father.
We're not advertising that we're getting a divorce.
That's why your father is living in the basement, and, in six months time, he will quietly move out in the dark of night, and everyone will forget we were ever together.
I thought I was living in the basement - because it's better for the kids.
- Yeah, that too.
Okay, I'm gonna go get this over with.
I'm gonna make it through the day with as little drama as possible.
- [Door closes.]
- Jodi: Oh, Kenny.
Dear, sweet, gay Kenny.
I had to see your adorable face one last time before it's hardened by the cruelty of your peers.
Oh, my god.
Is that a pimple? As if your day couldn't get any worse.
Off you go.
[Bell rings.]
Okay, you got this.
No one is even looking at you.
So the jocks noticed me.
They're probably coming up with dumb names to call me like "Femmy Kenny," which doesn't even rhyme.
It's only an assonance at best.
[Chuckling.]
Oh, my god, I am so gay.
Why did I have to come out now? Why couldn't I have waited until college? I can only imagine how these Catholic-school kids see me.
I'm coming out I want the world to know Got to let it show Girl: [Laughing.]
Oh, my gosh.
I'm coming out I want the world Oh, hey, Kenny.
I hear you're A fag?! What?! I know that's what you're all whispering about me! I was going to say, I hear you're running for treasurer.
I am.
And I'd Appreciate your vote.
Vote Kenny! Kenny, you've put us in quite a pickle.
Is it bad to say putting a pickle in something to someone like you? Don't answer that.
Um, how is this gonna go down? Well, you did use one of the banned words, which include but are not limited to ass, bitch, butt-head, douche, slut, slut-shamer, slut-bag Slut basket Okay, are you sure you should be reading these out loud to me? Probably not.
[Both chuckle.]
So, what to do with you.
On one hand, you're the bully, but on the other hand, you're the victim, so I guess they're just gonna cancel each other out.
That's a wash.
Just get back to class.
[Sighs.]
That is a great idea.
I'm gonna go and blend in.
Yeah, I'm really looking forward to your election speech for treasurer this afternoon.
I completely forgot that was today.
Whole school's gonna be there to watch you, plus the kids who are home sick.
We got a webcast now, you know.
Um What happens if I don't make my speech? Then Madison Chartoff will win, and no one wants that.
The Chartoff dynasty ends here! What are you doing with my couch? Waiting for you to pick up the other side of it.
It's for my living space in the basement.
Oh, no.
You can't have this couch.
It's the anchor for the room.
Fine, I'll take the, uh, armchair then.
No, the armchair balances out the couch.
And how about the pillows? Are these load-bearing pillows? They're my pop of color! Oh, you can have this magazine.
Actually, no.
I'm not finished with it.
You know what? Never mind.
I can see where this is going.
Looks like I'm doing some furniture shopping today.
I'm going with you.
No, you're not.
You are terrible at big-ticket purchases.
Now look, I know you think I can't handle this, but I know how to do things and I am perfectly capable of buying myself a couch.
You can't get it at Sports Authority.
Then I'm gonna need you to come with me.
There he is right over there.
There he is the belle of the ball.
Look, how do I get people to stop talking about me before my election speech? You're good at the, you know, sneaky, underhanded, duplicitous stuff.
Aww, I didn't think you noticed.
Well, the best way to nip this in the bud is to change the story.
Start a rumor about your opponent so they'll be talking about her instead of you.
Madison Chartoff, though? I don't know, that sounds a little Sneaky? Underhanded? Duplicitous? Okay, how do I do this? Take a logline from a "Pretty Little Liars" episode and replace a character's name with Madison's.
Okay.
Okay, finally, watching that show pays off.
[Chuckles.]
- [Cellphone whooshes.]
- And, just like that, you've ruined an innocent girl's life.
Looking for anything special? We just got in these adorable poufs.
Oh, well, we already have an adorable pouf, and it's his first day back at school.
[Chuckles.]
I'm sorry.
Our son is gay, and we're getting a divorce.
Don't tell people we're getting a divorce.
They'll want to sell us the whole store.
It's like when you go to buy a wedding cake.
You don't say it's for a wedding.
You say it's for a birthday.
But not a sweet sixteen.
Fine, I won't tell them what it's for.
It's never this complicated at Sports Authority.
Ooh, that one looks comfy.
Congratulations, you just picked the worst couch in the store.
You want down-wrapped foam.
I can see from here that's entirely foam.
There's no way you can see that from here.
She's right.
It's all foam.
Can't get rid of it.
Can I help you two with something? We're looking for a couch for my Bonus room.
For, uh, when we have a party, or, uh, maybe a guest stays over.
It's definitely not for my husband, who sleeps in our bed [Chuckles.]
just like he's supposed to.
That's right, but it still needs to be able to fit a guy like me.
But not for him.
Just a guy like him.
Who may or may not have night terrors If there is a couch for that.
I Think we have that.
- [Bell rings.]
- Did you hear what happened? Someone from "Pretty Little Liars" got Madison pregnant.
Yes, and Kenny got called the gay F-word.
Fruit? Fairy? Feline? Froyo? Frou-frou? Fanny pack? Which one, Shannon? The really bad one you're not allowed to say.
Who said that to him? That's the best part.
It was Kenny.
[Scoffs.]
Kenny Lee! Oh, no, Jimmy.
Not that I, Jimmy of House O'Neal, first of my name, breaker of chains and Mother of Dragons, will avenge my brother! - You gay-shaming slut basket! - Hey! [Kenny Lee grunts.]
Wrong Kenny.
Next up, the gripping tale of Alexander Fleming and Penicillin.
The discovery Kenny Is the rumor true? Rumor? [Chuckles.]
You know, I'm not much of a gossip, but, uh, what did you hear? I heard you're going to blow your chance at treasurer because you're taking performance-enhancing drugs to make your body better for swimming.
You know, because you're gay.
What? No, that rumor wasn't about me.
I started it about Madison Chartoff.
Are you starting a smear campaign against her because early exit polls show you're only holding 10% of the vote? Shut up and learn about Penicillin.
God.
Okay, turns out starting a malicious rumor about my opponent didn't make my situation better, it made it a hell of a lot worse.
What are you doing here? I defended your honor And the House of O'Neals.
But I didn't realize that you hate-crimed yourself, so I Regular-crimed Kenny Lee.
Young man, we have a zero-tolerance policy when it comes to bodily harm, so I have no choice but to suspend you and send you home.
No.
No, no, no, but, you know, I've been making terrible decisions all day.
I really think I should be sent home as well.
Jimmy, you're gonna need to call a parent and have them come pick you up.
I think I should just, like, hop on right after Jimmy.
We have the same mom, you know.
I don't want her to have to make two trips.
I'm dealing with you on an individual basis.
Hello! Mother.
It is me, your son Jimmy.
No, sweetie, this is Aunt Jodi.
You got the wrong number.
No, I didn't.
Uh, you need to come pick me up from my school.
I got suspended But I also have the $20 that I owe you.
Well, I think you owe me $40.
[Clears throat.]
Okay, that's fine, but I will remember that the next time you call me, drunk, from sizzler.
My Birth Mother is coming.
That's right, and also mine.
So I'm just gonna go ahead and skedaddle with him.
Okay? [Chuckles.]
Nope, Kenny, you're not in trouble.
What? No, I said a banned word, and I spread that rumor about a very nice girl who just wants to distribute funds and record expenditures.
Hurting people's feelings is not punishable at this school.
Well, it should be.
Yeah, and that tie you're wearing is awful.
I'm a vice principal.
Everything about my life is awful.
Mm! Okay, so we have the floral settee, two wall sconces, three-piece vanity set.
Great choices, Eileen.
Hey, what do you think about this mug? Uh, that's mine.
Were you in our break room? You know, it would really help out a lot if there were labels for the sections that you have golf, tennis Break room.
Was it a "yay" or "nay" on definitely "yay.
" Wait a minute.
What is happening here? Yay.
What? We don't need all of this.
Yes, we do.
We are furnishing our bonus room, which is doubling as a guest room.
For when the twins visit from Alberta.
Right.
They need a place that feels like home.
Cheryl, could you give us a minute, please? Canadian twins? Eileen, what are you talking about? We're supposed to be lying to save a little bit of money, and now we're getting all this crap that we don't even need.
I had to make something up before you jumped in and told her the truth.
But why are we even lying? All we need is a couch.
Just tell her that we need a couch.
You don't understand how this works.
You're right.
I don't know how this works.
I don't even know what any of this is.
A sconce? Look, if this is the type of help that you're here to give me, I don't want it.
I'm going home where everything makes sense - and I can use any mug I want.
- [Sighs.]
You're not leaving me.
Okay, honey, thanks.
I'll have a pretzel, too with cheese! He already knows that.
He's my husband.
Okay.
Ask Cheryl.
[Bell rings.]
What are you doing? I'm trying to get some behind-the-scenes footage for the documentary I'm making about you in A.
V.
club.
What? No.
W-w-why? The public's clamoring for it.
You're famous now.
I already have $4,000 on Kickstarter.
I do not wish to be photographed, especially under these fluorescents.
This has gotten way out of control.
I can't run for treasurer today.
I have to figure out a way to get kicked out of school, but how? [Sprays.]
You want to film something, Doug? Film this.
Kenny Lee! Not again.
I am so, so sorry! I know this has been a hard day for you, but there's no other way out for me! [Screams.]
[Grunts.]
Oh, this is going viral.
This is not what was created for.
I'm sorry.
I mean, like, I guess you have no choice but to send me home, right? I mean, you said it yourself you have a zero-tolerance policy.
For regular people, yes, but you're special, and special people get special treatment.
Figured that one out the hard way.
Are you saying you are not going to punish me no matter what I do because I'm gay? Those are your words, not mine, but yes.
Okay.
He left me no choice the nuclear option.
VP Murray, this policy Is the [Bleep.]
[Bleep.]
lamest [Bleep.]
ass [bleep.]
tickling [Bleep.]
sucking thing I have ever heard! I love your energy! Now get back to class! [Bleep.]
Thanks for getting me from school without telling my mom.
Thank you for the 50 bucks.
50? You said 40.
I rent the chair, Jimmy.
It's either that or I give you a perm.
I could rock that.
Can I do shampoo tomorrow? Tomorrow you'll be at school.
Well, yeah, until I get busted for beating up another kid.
Kenny's still gonna be gay tomorrow, and I'm still gonna need to protect him Unless he becomes one of those big, buff gays.
[Chuckles.]
Yeah, no, I'm actually I'm gonna be doing this forever.
You can't do that forever.
There's jerks everywhere.
Look, the jerks are never going away.
You can't beat all of them up.
I think the best way to help Kenny is to let him know that you're there for him And maybe use your words instead of your fists.
Yeah.
Thanks, Aunt Jodi.
And I think it's really sweet that you want to defend your little brother.
Well, hopefully ladies decades younger than you will think it's sweet, too.
There you are.
I've been looking for you.
- [Bell rings.]
- Are you sick? No.
I'm watching my program.
Do you do this every day? When my schedule permits and Nurse Phyllis is feeling lonely, so, yeah, every day.
And it's a commercial, so, whatever you wanted to say, do it quickly.
I can't make this speech.
I mean, I'm gonna go up there and no matter what I say, they're not gonna hear it they're just gonna think I'm the gay kid, you know, who started a smear campaign about his opponent.
Hey, did you know the A.
V.
club is making a documentary about me? Yeah.
I gave a short interview.
You what? I said we suspected you were gay, but we never knew you had this mean streak.
Shannon.
How did this get so out of hand? Everything I've tried just makes it worse.
I've got to get out of here.
So, cut.
"Cut.
" I've never cut school before.
You never punched an asthmatic kid before, so today's a day of firsts.
Okay, here's this, and I got two more sconces that'll look fabulous on either side of that dart board.
And the couch? It'll will be here and very comfortable in six to eight weeks.
What? Well, it's a custom fabric, but don't worry, the vanity is arriving tomorrow.
Is this how it's going to be om now on? I'm gonna have to live down here like some little mole person on lawn furniture because you don't want to tell the truth to strangers? Look, you know I don't like to lie, but what I like even less is having people talking about me and judging me.
Oh, Eileen, the only person judging you is you.
I mean, what even is this? I don't know.
I don't know what I'm doing! I just bought this bowl full of useless balls, and I paid full price, and it's hideous! Well [Sighs.]
Well, I could've used the bowl For c-chips or something.
We just walked right out of school, and no one arrested us.
- Shh.
- Sorry.
Um, why have I never done this before? Keep it together, Kenny.
We're gonna hang out in the basement until school is over, then we're gonna go in through the front door.
If they catch us any earlier, we'll say we got sent home for lice.
What if they check us for lice? What? You keep an emergency bag of lice in your pocket? This isn't a game, Kenny.
Who are you? I can totally see why people get seduced into a life of crime.
Breaking the rules is so fun! What the hell are you doing here? Aah! Shannon made me cut school! We got sent home for lice.
This is why I work alone.
Why aren't you in school? I'm sticking with the lice thing all the way to the end.
I have had a day from hell, and I am not going back to school to stand in front of an auditorium filled with people to give my treasurer speech.
I can't stand them looking at me and judging me! I totally get it.
You and I will live in the basement.
We'll order from Amazon Fresh, and I'll home school you.
I've got a beautiful settee coming in six to eight weeks.
No.
That is not how we are going to handle this.
Now, look, I might not know where to buy a couch or what a sconce does, but I do know a little something about feeling ashamed, and hiding out down here and lying to salespeople to avoid their judgment is not a solution to anything.
A little something you guys don't know about dear old dad back in high school, kids used to call me "Fatty Patty.
" Why? Because I was fat.
Oh.
Anyway, the worst part of it was that I loved to swim, but I refused to get into swim trunks in front of anyone.
The names kept coming.
- Porky Patty? - Piggy Patty? Yes, like that.
My point is [Irish accent.]
Patrick O'Besity.
Fat Sajak! I knew I had one.
Eventually, though, I just said screw it.
I'm gonna swim.
I don't care what anybody says about it.
And you know what I did? I swam.
Every day.
And guess what happened? Swimming is how I lost the weight.
Okay, um, if you're suggesting I start swimming, I'm a little afraid that might fuel the fire of some rumors that I may or may not have started about myself.
What I'm saying is that what people think or say about you shouldn't stop you from doing what you love like being treasurer.
Yeah, don't let being gay stop you from being lame.
I think your father's right.
You do? Just take it, pat.
[Sighs.]
Okay, dad.
I guess, because you were fat, I'll go back to school.
Thanks, son.
And what was your plan, anyway? I don't know, I figured I'd drop out, get my D.
E.
D.
, go to community college.
No son of mine who's not Jimmy is going to community college.
That's fair.
And I hope you'll vote for me for treasurer, because I would really treasure it.
Thank you, Madison.
That was Long.
Uh, next we have Kenny O'Neal, a very special student who is just like everyone else, except for one glaring difference which I'm not allowed to talk about.
Kenny O'Neal.
[Applause.]
Hi.
Uh, I am Kenny O'neal.
You may have heard some things about me today.
Uh, some of them are true.
Most of them are not.
Some of them may remind you of a "Pretty Little Liars" episode.
Um, this morning I gave myself an ugly, ugly label because I was afraid that One of you was going to give it to me first.
Um, but the only F-word I want to be associated with is "Fiscal," because I am fiscally responsible and I'd love for you to call me your treasurer.
I have something to say! My brother is gay, and I love him.
And I just want him to know it.
Okay, thank you, Jimmy.
- And I accept you for who you are.
- Okay.
And for whatever parts on dudes' bodies that you're into.
Okay, this seems like a one-on-one conversation, Jimmy, that we could, you know, be having later.
Yes.
Well [Clears throat.]
vote for Kenny For whatever it is that he's doing, 'cause I know he's good at it.
And just to be clear, I am still not gay.
Madison? What's up? [Chuckles.]
Sit down, Jimmy.
Yes, yep.
I'm gonna I'm going.
Oh, I'd also very much like to apologize to Kenny Lee.
Okay.
I see we're not there yet, but we'll get to forgiveness, Kenny Lee.
What is the difference between a regular crime and a hate crime? Well, that's a great question.
Um, as all crimes are based in hate, therefore I do not know the difference.
Well, of course, there are there are crimes of passion.
Ooh, love crimes.
Yeah, well, my ex-wife performed several love crimes on me during our marriage, which is why we always had a safe-word nah, I've said too much.
No, no.
Go on.
Please, tell me more.
Well, we had, uh, you know those sleep-number mattresses? - Right.
- So, I'm a six, okay?