The Royals (2015) s01e04 Episode Script
Sweet, Not Lasting
1 'Previously, on The Royals' We're not gonna have another day like we had today.
Cos if we do, I'm releasing the video.
We keep having coffee together, it might eventually turn into a real date.
About that I'm sorry.
You're the next King of England and there aren't many girls out there who are gonna understand what that means and you're gonna need a girl like that.
Look out! How did the press not know about you and Gemma? An extraction protocol.
- You just left her there? - I have to.
You get it all sorted and want to have a proper date, you have my number.
I know I've made mistakes.
I'd give it all up to have Robert back.
But I've been told I might make a great King one day.
Just give me a chance.
Let's put him on the plane tour, see how the people respond to him.
The plane tour is the one chance I have to curry favor with the people.
I understand.
But you're not the next King of England.
I confess, I've been a mess Ah, there it is.
My hero, Dr.
Cohen.
As always.
How long will it take? As I told you the last time, Your Highness, the electrolytes and vitamins in the I.
V.
will take 10-15 minutes to remove the hangover, depending on the severity.
Oh, don't take a judgy tone, doc.
OK? It is not easy entertaining foreign dignitaries myself, with the family out of town.
Who'd have thought the Crown Prince of Liechtenstein could put them back that easily? I mean, Liechtenstein.
Your Highness.
I admit, I've been a bitch I've been a liar and a cheater with a stolen dress My wicked ways saw better days I left the damage all behind in a purple haze One by one I gave up my addictions Day by day scratched them off the wall Paradise, paradise, oh, my paradise The Royals 01x04 - Sweet, Not Lasting (Ringtone) (Groans) Morning, Princess.
I trust entertaining the Crown Prince went well? Rachel, I'm nothing if not a good time.
Brilliant.
On to the next matter.
I've arranged a tour of some charities over the next few days.
It's vital we capitalize on your good press since Fashion Week.
Not interested.
This smells like Mother trying to control my headlines again.
No, I assure you, it's important What if I check in on one of Robert's charities? If it's good press you're after, surely any charity will do? Apologies, Your Highness, there won't be any time.
Your schedule is packed with existing arrangements.
Okay.
If I can't check in on at least one of Robert's, I won't do any.
The hell are you looking at? That bitch.
- Hi.
Are you on the plane? - 'Yeah.
' - Is Mum there? - 'Yeah.
' - Can you tell her - Relax.
I'll talk to her.
You know how she meddles.
I'll fix it, Lenny.
OK? I gotta go.
Gemma What are you doing here? I've chosen her as my lady-in-waiting on the rural tour.
Not everything is about you and Ophelia.
Heard she rebuffed you, by the way.
Come along, Gemma.
Sex on a plane.
Just saying.
At least this time I don't have to drive.
Make sure you Instagram that.
You're late.
And you're miserable.
Go away.
The Queen wishes me to accompany you on your charity tour.
Either you stay or I stay.
Whatever you would like, Your Highness.
And no staff along the way or I bail.
Understood? Off you go.
They're all Team Helena and they cockblock my buzz.
What's first stop on this bloody tour? Gateway Assisted Living.
An old folks' home? Seriously? Jasper.
Have you ever hung out with old people while on ecstasy? No.
No.
Me neither.
(Phone rings) - Hey.
- I am on my way to pick you up for that date you've been avoiding for two weeks.
I haven't been avoiding you, I've seriously been really Really busy, I know.
But I've decided I'm not gonna accept any more excuses, no matter how legitimate.
Thing is I can't right now.
Oh, shocker.
What is it this time? I was actually just about to wash my hair.
Come on! What is this, 1963? Even "sorting your recycling" was better than that.
Just say you're not interested.
I can take it.
Okay, fine.
Why don't you come by my place? We can hang out here.
Just to be clear, by "your place" you mean the Royal Palace? Yes.
My dad and the King are still in Canada.
And the rest of the family is on the countryside tour.
So we'll have the whole place to ourselves.
And a day's worth of tourists.
'And about 1,000 staff members.
' - Give or take.
- Sounds cozy.
(Laughs) The hell are you wearing? Kid thinks he's going for a night out in Soho.
Absolutely not.
The stylists laid something more "country appropriate" on your bed.
- What about you? - I'm the Queen.
People expect me to look like the Queen.
Now, please, go change.
He seems about as enthusiastic as I am.
You used to love this annual tour.
Must have sired children all up and down the countryside.
It was fun when it was my tour.
Not since it got handed over to Prince Playboy.
At least now I don't have to step off the plane and ruin my new bespoke Jimmy Choo's.
Or bump into any of your bastards.
Win-win.
(Text alert) Bloody hell.
Don't stop there.
Get it? I'm a lady-in-waiting.
It's a double entendre Yeah, I get it.
I never realized how hot you are when you're focused.
- Gemma, I think perhaps - Don't worry.
I'm not staying.
You have a lot on your mind.
I know how important the tour is, the world finally getting a peek at the King I know you are.
I merely came to remind you what the next King of England gets: me.
On a plane.
Tonight.
Make me proud out there, baby.
Don't keep this lady waiting too long.
I can't overstate the significance of the next couple of days This being the first time the public will see you as the new heir.
Do not screw up.
Furthermore, to avoid epic press failures, you must stick only to the pre-approved script and topics.
Don't try and tell any jokes.
We never talk about money, race, sexual identity, or religion.
What does that leave to talk about? Cheese.
They're very proud of their cheese in this part of the kingdom.
The unique import of this countryside tour is it allows us a chance to remind the people who we are and what we can do for them.
Robert got scrutinized on appearances, even his socks would sell out when photos of him were published.
Maybe it had more to do with the man wearing them.
Well, we'll see, won't we? Now, then, try not to sleep with anyone in the villages.
Hard as that may be.
Thank you.
What's with the gloves, dear? People out here can be filthy.
- Quite.
- Nonsense.
How do you do? Thank you, darling.
Thank you.
Give me those gloves.
Thank you.
Mm, quite good.
Very texture-y.
Perhaps it's time to throw that one out, yeah? You know, because of the mold.
No jokes.
Be kingly.
Excuse us.
Coming through.
Make room.
Thank you, Your Royal Highness.
Of course.
So have you chosen a name? For what? In defense, she looked quite pregnant.
I don't care if she looked like the Blessed bloody Virgin herself.
Never say that to a woman.
This is why you stand only where we damn-well tell you and say only what we damn-well tell you.
And do not, under any circumstances, talk to any more fat people.
Oh, no, I can't.
The E hasn't kicked in.
What am I even supposed to talk about with old people? No, we should cancel.
You'll be fine.
You just have to walk around a bit, look at some water color paintings, take some photos.
Should actually be quite Oh, my God.
Jasper, you are so smooth.
I mean, this is incredible.
The princess is ready.
Come here.
Aw, can I have your jelly? It's a mad thing.
Oh, this hair.
It's like cotton candy.
- Do you mind? - Off we go, Your Highness.
Can't keep the puppies at the animal shelter waiting.
Oh, I desperately want to smell a puppy.
Ooh.
I'll bring you one to smell.
Okay, bye.
Bye.
Bye.
Bye.
(Applause) Oh, look, Jasper! A gift shop! One bottle of morphine, please.
She's kidding, obviously.
Obviously.
(NICK) 'Seriously no idea where I am.
' I must've been by here five times.
- 'Give me a landmark.
' - Okay.
I'm in front of a tiny boy in a red blazer that I'm trying not to look at.
Oh, no, I've done it.
Now I can't look away.
Oh, no The Henry the Sixth.
Don't let it suck you in.
Quick, turn back.
So this is, what, your TV room? And it's now known as the King's Red State Room.
This portrait of Henry the Sixth was done on his fifth birthday, over five years after he first became King.
Now, any queries on what we've seen so far? What's the latest with Coffee Girl? Historical queries only, please.
And now the privileged behind-the-scenes tour.
Lucky for you, you know someone.
You seriously wouldn't believe how big these little scissors feel to me right now.
(Applause) Ooh, Jasper.
Oh, Prince Rufus.
Stop messing with my personal life.
I haven't a clue what you're going on about.
I can't stop the press reading between the lines.
There are no lines to read between.
Listen, don't overthink things, my love.
Let me simplify things for you.
Our number one role on tours like this is to seem interested.
Why not be interested? Don't be naive.
This very tunnel is the reason no one died in the Midnight Fire of 1822.
Not one royal or staff member.
And bonus, it's right about here you get service.
How far do these tunnels go? All the way to Hyde Park.
Great, so I can go out this way then? When your dad comes home to find us making out and I need a quick escape route.
Just kidding, Phi Huh? What? Right.
Sorry, I just Everything OK? Yeah.
How about we get a quick photo and then get some food? So Anything? Whatever you want? Yeah.
The kitchen will whip up anything you want.
Then I would have ordered another scoop.
OK, I know my joke about us making out was lame, but I truly meant nothing by No, sorry.
It's not that.
It's something you saw on your phone earlier.
Perhaps Prince-related.
How about this? In order to make this a fair fight between me and the Prince, I believe I deserve a home match, right? I'll show you my piece of the world.
It might not have crown molding made of real gold, but I kind of like it.
If you let me do this, and you're still thinking about your Prince, then I'll back away.
Deal? - Deal.
- Brill.
- And no phones.
- Easy! A little too handsy with a girl's ice cream.
Like I said, hot when you're focused.
The lady grew tired of waiting for him.
How do you do it? What, darling? How is it you know every trick imaginable to get people to like you? All the regional traditions, all the things to say and not say, when to use French, and when to quote a local poet.
It all just sticks with you so easily.
You don't understand, do you? It's survival, really.
If my body doesn't do the trick, then that's all I've got left to get people to like me.
So, yeah, I could tell you that the famous giant John Middleton was from Hale Village, or any number of facts about the place.
But you don't need it.
Because you've got what most of us don't have, what we could never learn: natural charisma.
People like you for you.
That's not nothing.
I say just be yourself and stop trying so hard.
"Be interested" Ha.
I doubt he'll ever get the hang of it.
Robert didn't rebel.
He didn't ask questions.
He just got it.
Robert was special.
Some people are just born for this.
With Liam, you never know what you're gonna get.
Which doesn't bode well when Simon's talking all about this abolishment nonsense.
(Text alert) Who knew? Four minutes earlier, she'd have been the next heir.
At least someone enjoyed their day.
Why can't I ever remember how awful coming down off X is before taking it? Effing brutal All those poor old people.
They're just gonna die soon, you know? And those poor animals.
They're gonna die, too.
It's a dreadful world we live in.
Which, of course, always leads me back to you, Jasper.
Is this where you take advantage of me again? Is that what you want? Of course not.
Who would want any of this? You are always here with me Bloody hell.
Marcus, be a dear and fetch my earrings.
I left them on the vanity.
I hope you didn't just mistake me for a footman.
Well, there's no need for attitude.
No attitude.
Just fact: Not a footman.
OK.
Like facts, do you? Here's one: I'll be around for a while now.
You don't want to help a friend out, fine, but it's best for everyone that you and I have a meaningful relationship.
Don't remember giving me this speech last year? Before you broke his heart by running off to Madagascar after, who was it that time? Ryan Reynolds? Leaving Liam here to pick up the pieces of himself you trampled on? And now you pop back up at a suspiciously coincidental time and expect him to hand those pieces back to you like nothing ever happened just because you're a good lay? That's the most I've ever heard you speak, Marcus.
And in complete sentences.
I have a few more complete sentences for you.
But I'm not sure you could recover from them.
I've always admired your straight-faced sass, Marcus, but I expect the charm will wear off soon.
Not a good lay, by the way.
Great lay.
(Cheering and clapping) Wonderful to meet you.
How do you do? So this is where Big John Middleton grew up? Yep.
How do you do? Gotta say, I feel sorry for you.
Yeah, supporting Liverpool must be a real bitch.
Each season a bigger disappointment than the last.
And who is it you support? Let me guess.
Those Chelsea tosspots.
- I bleed blue.
- Oh, piss off! Now hold on! If we're going to argue football, we should do it in proper fashion: with pints of beers in our hand.
- Have you got a pub? - Have we got a pub? Come on.
Come on, lads.
(Cheering) How do you do? How do you do? And how do you do? Oh.
How do you do? Do you live in a palace like in all the stories? I do.
My mommy reads me all the stories about all the princesses and queens every single night.
- Where is your mummy? - She couldn't come.
Our cows got sick.
Oh.
Well, she can't miss her opportunity to meet the Queen, now, can she? Come on, darling.
(Gasp) Maybe I try it sober today.
Yesterday was fun, sure.
But perhaps I owe it to these poor plebs to put the Crown's best foot forward.
You know, for Dad, at least.
How admirable.
So what is the first stop on the tour today? St.
Luke's Children's Hospital.
I need a drink.
(Chanting) Drink, drink! (Cheering) Another round, please.
You seem charming, like you're good fun.
Thank you.
But those aren't qualities I want from my King.
Seems that's just me, though.
And what is it you want from your King? Someone who recognizes when they have the power to make the world a better place.
Someone who changes lives.
And inspires all of us to do the same.
Do that, then I'll say you've done something.
Then I'd call you my King.
(Others break into song) You're half crazy after a brew or two (Continue singing) You know, I grew up on a farm very much like this.
Then I grew up to be Queen.
Your Majesty, please forgive my absence at the greeting, - but the cows - The cows.
Your daughter told me.
I'm sorry to hear they're ill.
It's happening to all the village livestock.
It's the new labeling process the distillery uses.
It's poisoning the ground water.
150 years, it's been there.
Then the owner passes and his son starts cutting costs on the labeling and dumping all the chemicals in our stream.
And now we all have to suffer.
Tell the press to return to the plane.
I understand she's the Queen of England but the woman is a complete cow and, between you and me, I think she's had a little work done.
Do you know what I mean? Nope.
Ah, never mind.
Now, who else here hates their mother? This is the privileged paella Saturday at Casa Francisca.
Lucky for you, you know someone.
They're here, everyone.
Let's eat.
I have made myself invincible Cos in my head is a wad of chemicals And I don't feel a thing No, I don't feel a thing And I don't even know where to begin Cheers, everyone.
Cheers! (Humming and knocking) Saddle-maker, yeah? It's okay.
Stay seated.
It's alright.
May I? I play a bit of polo.
- You're good.
- Thank you, Your Highness.
But none of this is my work.
It's my father's.
That's not a saddle you're working on? It's a saddle I'm trying to work on.
I can't produce the same quality as my father does, no matter how many hours I spend on it.
Guess my heart just isn't in it.
What is your heart in then? Everyone's heart is in something.
You're holding 'em.
These? You made these? I've got several now.
Boots.
A little shop.
That'd be enough.
You should absolutely have it.
These are amazing.
You've seen this village, right? My father's a saddle-maker.
His before him.
I'll be fifth generation.
Pressures of the family business.
Believe me, I get that.
Then you get that there's our dream, our maybe-one-day and our duty.
Poor kids.
I bet Mom is having a great big laugh right now, sending me there.
Manipulative bitch.
Give me your keys.
Use your own keys.
I'm a princess, Jasper.
Why would I ever need keys? Now give.
- Your Highness, the last - Don't.
Save your lecture.
Okay.
I'm fine.
Keys.
I was just going to remind you the last charity is Robert's.
Damn it.
So, if riding dance troupe practice pieces isn't the final goal - then what is? - Who says it's not? Know what they say about making assumptions.
Well, if so, then congrats.
You did it! But seriously, help me out here.
When will you have arrived, in your mind? I like that, "When will you have arrived?" I don't know.
Come on, it's easy.
For me, it's when I've danced a solo at The Joyce in New York.
Now, first thing that comes to mind: go! Packed tent at Glastonbury.
My music moving all of them.
Like M83.
The guy writes and performs most of the instruments himself.
And he keeps working it until it's perfect.
Nerve just popped! Let's go.
It'll sell out in five minutes.
We gotta move.
What? What's going on? I'm so confused.
You'll love it.
Just trust me, OK? OK.
As my faithful subject, by simply switching to the old labeling process used by your father and grandfather, I'll make your whiskey the official royal liquor at the next three palace events.
Good for the town, good for you: win-win.
Or here's my counter-offer.
You take this, turn around, leave my distillery, leave this village, get on your posh private plane and ride comfortably back to the palace, where you sip a long dram of fine whiskey from the guy who was bold enough to finally talk to Her Majesty like the spoiled brat she is.
You see, I can no longer afford the old process because I have to pay so damn much in taxes in order that the pretty Queen can buy all her fancy undergarments.
So, no, I don't believe I'll be taking any orders from some vapid, archaic figurehead with no real power.
I seriously have no idea what's going on right now.
I'm so confused.
Crazy It's "Nerve.
" A pop-up silent dance party.
Shall we? You can look inside yourself and think, "Okay, I've had those problems but who actually am I? You know, I can overcome this.
" OK, everyone.
Time to pair off into dyads for one-on-one discussions.
I'll take the Princess.
No, Imogen, the Princess isn't here for that.
She's just observing.
No, that's fine.
I'd be happy to.
I appreciate what you said in the pub.
What if I change one person's life? It'd be a start.
Marcus, will you give me a hand? Thank you very much.
A beautiful pair of hand-made boots from Hale.
Nick, this has been amazing.
But But my world wasn't enough.
No, it's not that.
I don't know.
I don't want to take things too fast.
No explanation necessary, Phi.
You're clearly still into him.
So a deal's a deal.
This is where I back away until you tell me you're ready.
Well, you sure put a whole new spin on "Your Highness.
" You holding? Share the wealth.
Don't my taxes pay for it? Taxes from what job? - Sorry.
- Ouch.
Feisty Princess.
Come on, hook a girl up.
I can't help you, okay? It's probably best.
It's the third time the government put me in here.
Think I might try the program this time, out of boredom.
Just for something different.
How did you end up here? My story is the same as most bitches in here: relationships with blokes just bad enough to keep you coming back, too many brushes with the police while doing anything to keep the buzz going, and so on.
I'm tired of hearing it, and really tired of telling it.
Oh, well, you don't You don't have to.
No, hey, it's for a princess this time.
How often can you say that? It's just they have you tell the same bloody story every day, thinking it'll jar something loose that'll suddenly make you stop craving what you crave.
But I guess when you leave your kid outside in the car on a freezing cold night because you're inside getting high off your ass, maybe you actually do need some help.
You left your kid in a car? No.
I was the kid.
Leave The Door Wide Open So a shitty mom is my excuse.
What's yours? Um, I just like getting high.
Yeah, I get that, too.
Don't worry if it's a cold night How your mother treated, that's not your fault.
Maybe once you make the choice to let that go, it'll get easier.
Yeah.
You, too.
Exchange a face or two with everyone but you I'm coming over To find your smile (Snorts) Jasper.
Come in here and take advantage of me.
Because we all go up in flames We fall heavy but we're so light So leave the door wide open Is this what you want? There she goes She's leaving town beside a man she hardly knows Stand up.
But then she calls me He broke her heart Now she's collecting all the pieces of her love Before the light gets dark Take off your dress.
Slower.
We fall heavy but we're so light What changed your mind? We all have choices to make.
Leave the door wide open There's an actress in the hall Leave the door wide open Now she's comparing what she's caught Leave the door wide open And as the orchestra comes in Leave the door wide open And now she's tearing out her mind Leave the door wide open You watch her do this every time Leave the door wide open But you still want her how she is Leave the door wide open My convoluted happiness Leave the door wide open now We come together We fall apart We make some noise inside a room and call it art She has a cute boyfriend.
I follow her, too.
Keep your enemies close and all that.
It's fine, by the way.
I couldn't be less concerned.
You'll go off.
You'll do what you need to.
And then you'll come back to me.
It's what we do.
But it's always going to be you and me, Liam.
We're bigger than break-ups, you and I.
Bigger than flings.
Bigger than love.
So you go ahead, go sort out whatever's in that mind of yours right now.
Come back with your head on straight because before too long, there'll be a crown on it.
And I'll be right beside you.
Don't worry if it's a cold night 'It took only 90 minutes for the whole distillery to burn to the ground.
The cause has been ruled an electrical fire from recently-installed label processing equipment.
' Seem interested, or be interested? You helped those people.
I helped the cows.
My father had cows.
Whiskey It suddenly seems quite rare.
'Switching gears to a bit of good news from Hale Village, as Prince Liam managed a warm reception there.
Several villagers say the Prince could not have been more impressive in his first' He pulled a rabbit out of a hat on this one.
After yesterday, I'd have guessed we'd all be up in flames on this trip.
We need any warmth toward the Monarchy we can get.
Just received numbers from the secret poll we asked for.
If given the vote, 45 per cent of the people would vote to abolish the Monarchy.
But that jumps another 10 points if they were to learn that Simon himself suggested the referendum to abolish.
And if Liam was on the throne? The people are on the fence.
They still don't know what to expect.
(HELENA) 'That's why we can't put all our eggs in Liam's basket.
He's too much of a wildcard.
We need to explore every possible option.
' 'I could not agree more.
' Leave the door wide open And now she's tearing out her mind Leave the door wide open You watch her do this every time Leave the door wide open But you still want her how she is Leave the door wide open My convoluted happiness Leave the door wide open now We come together We fall apart We make some noise - Hi.
- Hey.
I just got back, and I really wanted to see you.
So the big annual charity masquerade ball is coming up in a few days and I very much want you to be there.
- If you want to come.
- Yeah.
- Absolutely.
- Great.
- Two tickets.
- Two? Yeah.
One for you, and one for your boyfriend.
I'll see you there.
Liam.
Thanks.
Can't wait.
Leave the door wide open now So leave the door wide open Leave the door wide open now
Cos if we do, I'm releasing the video.
We keep having coffee together, it might eventually turn into a real date.
About that I'm sorry.
You're the next King of England and there aren't many girls out there who are gonna understand what that means and you're gonna need a girl like that.
Look out! How did the press not know about you and Gemma? An extraction protocol.
- You just left her there? - I have to.
You get it all sorted and want to have a proper date, you have my number.
I know I've made mistakes.
I'd give it all up to have Robert back.
But I've been told I might make a great King one day.
Just give me a chance.
Let's put him on the plane tour, see how the people respond to him.
The plane tour is the one chance I have to curry favor with the people.
I understand.
But you're not the next King of England.
I confess, I've been a mess Ah, there it is.
My hero, Dr.
Cohen.
As always.
How long will it take? As I told you the last time, Your Highness, the electrolytes and vitamins in the I.
V.
will take 10-15 minutes to remove the hangover, depending on the severity.
Oh, don't take a judgy tone, doc.
OK? It is not easy entertaining foreign dignitaries myself, with the family out of town.
Who'd have thought the Crown Prince of Liechtenstein could put them back that easily? I mean, Liechtenstein.
Your Highness.
I admit, I've been a bitch I've been a liar and a cheater with a stolen dress My wicked ways saw better days I left the damage all behind in a purple haze One by one I gave up my addictions Day by day scratched them off the wall Paradise, paradise, oh, my paradise The Royals 01x04 - Sweet, Not Lasting (Ringtone) (Groans) Morning, Princess.
I trust entertaining the Crown Prince went well? Rachel, I'm nothing if not a good time.
Brilliant.
On to the next matter.
I've arranged a tour of some charities over the next few days.
It's vital we capitalize on your good press since Fashion Week.
Not interested.
This smells like Mother trying to control my headlines again.
No, I assure you, it's important What if I check in on one of Robert's charities? If it's good press you're after, surely any charity will do? Apologies, Your Highness, there won't be any time.
Your schedule is packed with existing arrangements.
Okay.
If I can't check in on at least one of Robert's, I won't do any.
The hell are you looking at? That bitch.
- Hi.
Are you on the plane? - 'Yeah.
' - Is Mum there? - 'Yeah.
' - Can you tell her - Relax.
I'll talk to her.
You know how she meddles.
I'll fix it, Lenny.
OK? I gotta go.
Gemma What are you doing here? I've chosen her as my lady-in-waiting on the rural tour.
Not everything is about you and Ophelia.
Heard she rebuffed you, by the way.
Come along, Gemma.
Sex on a plane.
Just saying.
At least this time I don't have to drive.
Make sure you Instagram that.
You're late.
And you're miserable.
Go away.
The Queen wishes me to accompany you on your charity tour.
Either you stay or I stay.
Whatever you would like, Your Highness.
And no staff along the way or I bail.
Understood? Off you go.
They're all Team Helena and they cockblock my buzz.
What's first stop on this bloody tour? Gateway Assisted Living.
An old folks' home? Seriously? Jasper.
Have you ever hung out with old people while on ecstasy? No.
No.
Me neither.
(Phone rings) - Hey.
- I am on my way to pick you up for that date you've been avoiding for two weeks.
I haven't been avoiding you, I've seriously been really Really busy, I know.
But I've decided I'm not gonna accept any more excuses, no matter how legitimate.
Thing is I can't right now.
Oh, shocker.
What is it this time? I was actually just about to wash my hair.
Come on! What is this, 1963? Even "sorting your recycling" was better than that.
Just say you're not interested.
I can take it.
Okay, fine.
Why don't you come by my place? We can hang out here.
Just to be clear, by "your place" you mean the Royal Palace? Yes.
My dad and the King are still in Canada.
And the rest of the family is on the countryside tour.
So we'll have the whole place to ourselves.
And a day's worth of tourists.
'And about 1,000 staff members.
' - Give or take.
- Sounds cozy.
(Laughs) The hell are you wearing? Kid thinks he's going for a night out in Soho.
Absolutely not.
The stylists laid something more "country appropriate" on your bed.
- What about you? - I'm the Queen.
People expect me to look like the Queen.
Now, please, go change.
He seems about as enthusiastic as I am.
You used to love this annual tour.
Must have sired children all up and down the countryside.
It was fun when it was my tour.
Not since it got handed over to Prince Playboy.
At least now I don't have to step off the plane and ruin my new bespoke Jimmy Choo's.
Or bump into any of your bastards.
Win-win.
(Text alert) Bloody hell.
Don't stop there.
Get it? I'm a lady-in-waiting.
It's a double entendre Yeah, I get it.
I never realized how hot you are when you're focused.
- Gemma, I think perhaps - Don't worry.
I'm not staying.
You have a lot on your mind.
I know how important the tour is, the world finally getting a peek at the King I know you are.
I merely came to remind you what the next King of England gets: me.
On a plane.
Tonight.
Make me proud out there, baby.
Don't keep this lady waiting too long.
I can't overstate the significance of the next couple of days This being the first time the public will see you as the new heir.
Do not screw up.
Furthermore, to avoid epic press failures, you must stick only to the pre-approved script and topics.
Don't try and tell any jokes.
We never talk about money, race, sexual identity, or religion.
What does that leave to talk about? Cheese.
They're very proud of their cheese in this part of the kingdom.
The unique import of this countryside tour is it allows us a chance to remind the people who we are and what we can do for them.
Robert got scrutinized on appearances, even his socks would sell out when photos of him were published.
Maybe it had more to do with the man wearing them.
Well, we'll see, won't we? Now, then, try not to sleep with anyone in the villages.
Hard as that may be.
Thank you.
What's with the gloves, dear? People out here can be filthy.
- Quite.
- Nonsense.
How do you do? Thank you, darling.
Thank you.
Give me those gloves.
Thank you.
Mm, quite good.
Very texture-y.
Perhaps it's time to throw that one out, yeah? You know, because of the mold.
No jokes.
Be kingly.
Excuse us.
Coming through.
Make room.
Thank you, Your Royal Highness.
Of course.
So have you chosen a name? For what? In defense, she looked quite pregnant.
I don't care if she looked like the Blessed bloody Virgin herself.
Never say that to a woman.
This is why you stand only where we damn-well tell you and say only what we damn-well tell you.
And do not, under any circumstances, talk to any more fat people.
Oh, no, I can't.
The E hasn't kicked in.
What am I even supposed to talk about with old people? No, we should cancel.
You'll be fine.
You just have to walk around a bit, look at some water color paintings, take some photos.
Should actually be quite Oh, my God.
Jasper, you are so smooth.
I mean, this is incredible.
The princess is ready.
Come here.
Aw, can I have your jelly? It's a mad thing.
Oh, this hair.
It's like cotton candy.
- Do you mind? - Off we go, Your Highness.
Can't keep the puppies at the animal shelter waiting.
Oh, I desperately want to smell a puppy.
Ooh.
I'll bring you one to smell.
Okay, bye.
Bye.
Bye.
Bye.
(Applause) Oh, look, Jasper! A gift shop! One bottle of morphine, please.
She's kidding, obviously.
Obviously.
(NICK) 'Seriously no idea where I am.
' I must've been by here five times.
- 'Give me a landmark.
' - Okay.
I'm in front of a tiny boy in a red blazer that I'm trying not to look at.
Oh, no, I've done it.
Now I can't look away.
Oh, no The Henry the Sixth.
Don't let it suck you in.
Quick, turn back.
So this is, what, your TV room? And it's now known as the King's Red State Room.
This portrait of Henry the Sixth was done on his fifth birthday, over five years after he first became King.
Now, any queries on what we've seen so far? What's the latest with Coffee Girl? Historical queries only, please.
And now the privileged behind-the-scenes tour.
Lucky for you, you know someone.
You seriously wouldn't believe how big these little scissors feel to me right now.
(Applause) Ooh, Jasper.
Oh, Prince Rufus.
Stop messing with my personal life.
I haven't a clue what you're going on about.
I can't stop the press reading between the lines.
There are no lines to read between.
Listen, don't overthink things, my love.
Let me simplify things for you.
Our number one role on tours like this is to seem interested.
Why not be interested? Don't be naive.
This very tunnel is the reason no one died in the Midnight Fire of 1822.
Not one royal or staff member.
And bonus, it's right about here you get service.
How far do these tunnels go? All the way to Hyde Park.
Great, so I can go out this way then? When your dad comes home to find us making out and I need a quick escape route.
Just kidding, Phi Huh? What? Right.
Sorry, I just Everything OK? Yeah.
How about we get a quick photo and then get some food? So Anything? Whatever you want? Yeah.
The kitchen will whip up anything you want.
Then I would have ordered another scoop.
OK, I know my joke about us making out was lame, but I truly meant nothing by No, sorry.
It's not that.
It's something you saw on your phone earlier.
Perhaps Prince-related.
How about this? In order to make this a fair fight between me and the Prince, I believe I deserve a home match, right? I'll show you my piece of the world.
It might not have crown molding made of real gold, but I kind of like it.
If you let me do this, and you're still thinking about your Prince, then I'll back away.
Deal? - Deal.
- Brill.
- And no phones.
- Easy! A little too handsy with a girl's ice cream.
Like I said, hot when you're focused.
The lady grew tired of waiting for him.
How do you do it? What, darling? How is it you know every trick imaginable to get people to like you? All the regional traditions, all the things to say and not say, when to use French, and when to quote a local poet.
It all just sticks with you so easily.
You don't understand, do you? It's survival, really.
If my body doesn't do the trick, then that's all I've got left to get people to like me.
So, yeah, I could tell you that the famous giant John Middleton was from Hale Village, or any number of facts about the place.
But you don't need it.
Because you've got what most of us don't have, what we could never learn: natural charisma.
People like you for you.
That's not nothing.
I say just be yourself and stop trying so hard.
"Be interested" Ha.
I doubt he'll ever get the hang of it.
Robert didn't rebel.
He didn't ask questions.
He just got it.
Robert was special.
Some people are just born for this.
With Liam, you never know what you're gonna get.
Which doesn't bode well when Simon's talking all about this abolishment nonsense.
(Text alert) Who knew? Four minutes earlier, she'd have been the next heir.
At least someone enjoyed their day.
Why can't I ever remember how awful coming down off X is before taking it? Effing brutal All those poor old people.
They're just gonna die soon, you know? And those poor animals.
They're gonna die, too.
It's a dreadful world we live in.
Which, of course, always leads me back to you, Jasper.
Is this where you take advantage of me again? Is that what you want? Of course not.
Who would want any of this? You are always here with me Bloody hell.
Marcus, be a dear and fetch my earrings.
I left them on the vanity.
I hope you didn't just mistake me for a footman.
Well, there's no need for attitude.
No attitude.
Just fact: Not a footman.
OK.
Like facts, do you? Here's one: I'll be around for a while now.
You don't want to help a friend out, fine, but it's best for everyone that you and I have a meaningful relationship.
Don't remember giving me this speech last year? Before you broke his heart by running off to Madagascar after, who was it that time? Ryan Reynolds? Leaving Liam here to pick up the pieces of himself you trampled on? And now you pop back up at a suspiciously coincidental time and expect him to hand those pieces back to you like nothing ever happened just because you're a good lay? That's the most I've ever heard you speak, Marcus.
And in complete sentences.
I have a few more complete sentences for you.
But I'm not sure you could recover from them.
I've always admired your straight-faced sass, Marcus, but I expect the charm will wear off soon.
Not a good lay, by the way.
Great lay.
(Cheering and clapping) Wonderful to meet you.
How do you do? So this is where Big John Middleton grew up? Yep.
How do you do? Gotta say, I feel sorry for you.
Yeah, supporting Liverpool must be a real bitch.
Each season a bigger disappointment than the last.
And who is it you support? Let me guess.
Those Chelsea tosspots.
- I bleed blue.
- Oh, piss off! Now hold on! If we're going to argue football, we should do it in proper fashion: with pints of beers in our hand.
- Have you got a pub? - Have we got a pub? Come on.
Come on, lads.
(Cheering) How do you do? How do you do? And how do you do? Oh.
How do you do? Do you live in a palace like in all the stories? I do.
My mommy reads me all the stories about all the princesses and queens every single night.
- Where is your mummy? - She couldn't come.
Our cows got sick.
Oh.
Well, she can't miss her opportunity to meet the Queen, now, can she? Come on, darling.
(Gasp) Maybe I try it sober today.
Yesterday was fun, sure.
But perhaps I owe it to these poor plebs to put the Crown's best foot forward.
You know, for Dad, at least.
How admirable.
So what is the first stop on the tour today? St.
Luke's Children's Hospital.
I need a drink.
(Chanting) Drink, drink! (Cheering) Another round, please.
You seem charming, like you're good fun.
Thank you.
But those aren't qualities I want from my King.
Seems that's just me, though.
And what is it you want from your King? Someone who recognizes when they have the power to make the world a better place.
Someone who changes lives.
And inspires all of us to do the same.
Do that, then I'll say you've done something.
Then I'd call you my King.
(Others break into song) You're half crazy after a brew or two (Continue singing) You know, I grew up on a farm very much like this.
Then I grew up to be Queen.
Your Majesty, please forgive my absence at the greeting, - but the cows - The cows.
Your daughter told me.
I'm sorry to hear they're ill.
It's happening to all the village livestock.
It's the new labeling process the distillery uses.
It's poisoning the ground water.
150 years, it's been there.
Then the owner passes and his son starts cutting costs on the labeling and dumping all the chemicals in our stream.
And now we all have to suffer.
Tell the press to return to the plane.
I understand she's the Queen of England but the woman is a complete cow and, between you and me, I think she's had a little work done.
Do you know what I mean? Nope.
Ah, never mind.
Now, who else here hates their mother? This is the privileged paella Saturday at Casa Francisca.
Lucky for you, you know someone.
They're here, everyone.
Let's eat.
I have made myself invincible Cos in my head is a wad of chemicals And I don't feel a thing No, I don't feel a thing And I don't even know where to begin Cheers, everyone.
Cheers! (Humming and knocking) Saddle-maker, yeah? It's okay.
Stay seated.
It's alright.
May I? I play a bit of polo.
- You're good.
- Thank you, Your Highness.
But none of this is my work.
It's my father's.
That's not a saddle you're working on? It's a saddle I'm trying to work on.
I can't produce the same quality as my father does, no matter how many hours I spend on it.
Guess my heart just isn't in it.
What is your heart in then? Everyone's heart is in something.
You're holding 'em.
These? You made these? I've got several now.
Boots.
A little shop.
That'd be enough.
You should absolutely have it.
These are amazing.
You've seen this village, right? My father's a saddle-maker.
His before him.
I'll be fifth generation.
Pressures of the family business.
Believe me, I get that.
Then you get that there's our dream, our maybe-one-day and our duty.
Poor kids.
I bet Mom is having a great big laugh right now, sending me there.
Manipulative bitch.
Give me your keys.
Use your own keys.
I'm a princess, Jasper.
Why would I ever need keys? Now give.
- Your Highness, the last - Don't.
Save your lecture.
Okay.
I'm fine.
Keys.
I was just going to remind you the last charity is Robert's.
Damn it.
So, if riding dance troupe practice pieces isn't the final goal - then what is? - Who says it's not? Know what they say about making assumptions.
Well, if so, then congrats.
You did it! But seriously, help me out here.
When will you have arrived, in your mind? I like that, "When will you have arrived?" I don't know.
Come on, it's easy.
For me, it's when I've danced a solo at The Joyce in New York.
Now, first thing that comes to mind: go! Packed tent at Glastonbury.
My music moving all of them.
Like M83.
The guy writes and performs most of the instruments himself.
And he keeps working it until it's perfect.
Nerve just popped! Let's go.
It'll sell out in five minutes.
We gotta move.
What? What's going on? I'm so confused.
You'll love it.
Just trust me, OK? OK.
As my faithful subject, by simply switching to the old labeling process used by your father and grandfather, I'll make your whiskey the official royal liquor at the next three palace events.
Good for the town, good for you: win-win.
Or here's my counter-offer.
You take this, turn around, leave my distillery, leave this village, get on your posh private plane and ride comfortably back to the palace, where you sip a long dram of fine whiskey from the guy who was bold enough to finally talk to Her Majesty like the spoiled brat she is.
You see, I can no longer afford the old process because I have to pay so damn much in taxes in order that the pretty Queen can buy all her fancy undergarments.
So, no, I don't believe I'll be taking any orders from some vapid, archaic figurehead with no real power.
I seriously have no idea what's going on right now.
I'm so confused.
Crazy It's "Nerve.
" A pop-up silent dance party.
Shall we? You can look inside yourself and think, "Okay, I've had those problems but who actually am I? You know, I can overcome this.
" OK, everyone.
Time to pair off into dyads for one-on-one discussions.
I'll take the Princess.
No, Imogen, the Princess isn't here for that.
She's just observing.
No, that's fine.
I'd be happy to.
I appreciate what you said in the pub.
What if I change one person's life? It'd be a start.
Marcus, will you give me a hand? Thank you very much.
A beautiful pair of hand-made boots from Hale.
Nick, this has been amazing.
But But my world wasn't enough.
No, it's not that.
I don't know.
I don't want to take things too fast.
No explanation necessary, Phi.
You're clearly still into him.
So a deal's a deal.
This is where I back away until you tell me you're ready.
Well, you sure put a whole new spin on "Your Highness.
" You holding? Share the wealth.
Don't my taxes pay for it? Taxes from what job? - Sorry.
- Ouch.
Feisty Princess.
Come on, hook a girl up.
I can't help you, okay? It's probably best.
It's the third time the government put me in here.
Think I might try the program this time, out of boredom.
Just for something different.
How did you end up here? My story is the same as most bitches in here: relationships with blokes just bad enough to keep you coming back, too many brushes with the police while doing anything to keep the buzz going, and so on.
I'm tired of hearing it, and really tired of telling it.
Oh, well, you don't You don't have to.
No, hey, it's for a princess this time.
How often can you say that? It's just they have you tell the same bloody story every day, thinking it'll jar something loose that'll suddenly make you stop craving what you crave.
But I guess when you leave your kid outside in the car on a freezing cold night because you're inside getting high off your ass, maybe you actually do need some help.
You left your kid in a car? No.
I was the kid.
Leave The Door Wide Open So a shitty mom is my excuse.
What's yours? Um, I just like getting high.
Yeah, I get that, too.
Don't worry if it's a cold night How your mother treated, that's not your fault.
Maybe once you make the choice to let that go, it'll get easier.
Yeah.
You, too.
Exchange a face or two with everyone but you I'm coming over To find your smile (Snorts) Jasper.
Come in here and take advantage of me.
Because we all go up in flames We fall heavy but we're so light So leave the door wide open Is this what you want? There she goes She's leaving town beside a man she hardly knows Stand up.
But then she calls me He broke her heart Now she's collecting all the pieces of her love Before the light gets dark Take off your dress.
Slower.
We fall heavy but we're so light What changed your mind? We all have choices to make.
Leave the door wide open There's an actress in the hall Leave the door wide open Now she's comparing what she's caught Leave the door wide open And as the orchestra comes in Leave the door wide open And now she's tearing out her mind Leave the door wide open You watch her do this every time Leave the door wide open But you still want her how she is Leave the door wide open My convoluted happiness Leave the door wide open now We come together We fall apart We make some noise inside a room and call it art She has a cute boyfriend.
I follow her, too.
Keep your enemies close and all that.
It's fine, by the way.
I couldn't be less concerned.
You'll go off.
You'll do what you need to.
And then you'll come back to me.
It's what we do.
But it's always going to be you and me, Liam.
We're bigger than break-ups, you and I.
Bigger than flings.
Bigger than love.
So you go ahead, go sort out whatever's in that mind of yours right now.
Come back with your head on straight because before too long, there'll be a crown on it.
And I'll be right beside you.
Don't worry if it's a cold night 'It took only 90 minutes for the whole distillery to burn to the ground.
The cause has been ruled an electrical fire from recently-installed label processing equipment.
' Seem interested, or be interested? You helped those people.
I helped the cows.
My father had cows.
Whiskey It suddenly seems quite rare.
'Switching gears to a bit of good news from Hale Village, as Prince Liam managed a warm reception there.
Several villagers say the Prince could not have been more impressive in his first' He pulled a rabbit out of a hat on this one.
After yesterday, I'd have guessed we'd all be up in flames on this trip.
We need any warmth toward the Monarchy we can get.
Just received numbers from the secret poll we asked for.
If given the vote, 45 per cent of the people would vote to abolish the Monarchy.
But that jumps another 10 points if they were to learn that Simon himself suggested the referendum to abolish.
And if Liam was on the throne? The people are on the fence.
They still don't know what to expect.
(HELENA) 'That's why we can't put all our eggs in Liam's basket.
He's too much of a wildcard.
We need to explore every possible option.
' 'I could not agree more.
' Leave the door wide open And now she's tearing out her mind Leave the door wide open You watch her do this every time Leave the door wide open But you still want her how she is Leave the door wide open My convoluted happiness Leave the door wide open now We come together We fall apart We make some noise - Hi.
- Hey.
I just got back, and I really wanted to see you.
So the big annual charity masquerade ball is coming up in a few days and I very much want you to be there.
- If you want to come.
- Yeah.
- Absolutely.
- Great.
- Two tickets.
- Two? Yeah.
One for you, and one for your boyfriend.
I'll see you there.
Liam.
Thanks.
Can't wait.
Leave the door wide open now So leave the door wide open Leave the door wide open now