The Tick (2001) s01e04 Episode Script

[d]
[MAN YELLING]
May I?
Back off.
OFFICER ROSEN: Oh, man,
is that Captain Liberty hot.
Yeah, well, I heard when
she busts your balls,
they can't be fixed.
Check it out.
Hey, boys.
Hey, Captain Liberty,
what do we got?
What do we got?
What does it look like we got?
What, are you blind?
We got a guy stuck halfway up a
robot's ass. That's what we got.
All right, everybody,
you know the drill.
License and registration.
What about you, blue guy?
TICK:
What about me?
Oh, no license.
That's great.
Is this where
I say uh-oh?
Yep.
Plenty of people operate
without a license.
Colon Boy no license.
Colon Boy? Really?
Oh, yes, yes.
Well, don't say anything,
but the Amazing Forkhead.
The Amazing Forkhead?
You're kidding.
I kid you not.
How, then,
does one procure
this laminated
rectangle of righteousness?
It's no big deal.
You just go down to the DMV
and fill out some forms.
Yeah, Tick,
I'll take you.
Okay, does anybody
know how
to get robot grease
out of a costume?
This thing
is dry clean only.
Well, why don't we
go back to your place,
and we'll take
that costume off,
and then Batmanuel
has some home remedies?
Do you ever stop?
No.
Well, then shall we?
TICK:
I am the wild blue yonder,
the frontline in the
never-ending battle
between good and not so good.
Together with my stalwart
sidekick Arthur
and the magnanimous help of
some other folks I know,
we form the yin
to villainy's malevolent yang.
Destiny has chosen us.
Wicked men, you face the Tick.
Name?
The Tick.
Legal name.
Oh, yes, pardon.
That would be the Tick.
Are you trying to be funny?
Well, a little levity never hurt
anybody, did it, Thelma?
It's hurting you, mister.
He's sorry.
I am?
Yes.
Well, apparently, Thelma,
I'm quite contrite.
You know, I don't have all day.
But I do, dear Thelma.
You can have half of mine.
We'll share.
Could we just go on
to the next one?
Date of birth.
I don't follow.
I said date of birth.
Well, yes, you did,
Thelma, loud and clear.
You don't know
your date of birth?
Oh, like you do.
3-17-69.
Okay, then.
That's my date of birth.
Okay, Thelma, could you just
hang on for a second?
Hold tight, Thelma.
Tick, do you see
what's going on here?
She really likes us.
I saw her making eyes
at you, chum.
Thelma and Arthur
Sitting in a tree
P-l-z-g-r-o-b
Tick, forget about
the license for a moment.
Now, I'm confused.
Don't you know where you came
from and when and who you are?
Of course, chum.
Well, then, Tick,
answer the questions
so you can get your license
so we can get out of here.
But Arthur, you already
know the answers
to all those questions.
Humor me, Tick.
Tell me again.
Arthur
I am
the Tick.
My first letter
of rejection,
and I haven't
even started my novel yet.
Tick, come on.
Just focus for a second.
What was your last address?
Earth, definitely,
and, uh, most likely
somewhere on land.
Are you even
an American citizen?
Arthur, I am a citizen
of the moment.
I've built my white picket fence
around the "now"
with a commanding view
of the "soon to be."
Maybe he's
from outer space, huh?
Does it really matter?
Does it really antimatter?
Have you checked
the local looney bin?
No, I haven't, and
I'm not going to, either.
Oh, look at this.
Can you believe this?
That little weasel
The Weasel got his name
on the front page again,
not to mention a picture,
which by the way, just shows
you what a weasel he is.
Oh, and for what?
Oh, for stopping
a jewel robbery.
I stop jewel robberies on my way
to stopping major crimes.
Batmanuel, when was
the last time you stopped
a jewel robbery?
Well, let's see.
Well, never, but
that's not the point.
You're not going to be stopping
any crimes yourself
the way things
are going, Tick.
Arthur, I've told you who I am.
I mean, how many times
must I repeat it?
I am the sterling silver
ladle of justice,
pouring its foamy cream
over the just picked
strawberries of crime
Tick, that won't fit
on the application.
Janet?
Oh, hey, Doris.
Hey, what's going on?
Oh, you know,
same old, same old.
Hey, are you still seeing
that freak Batmanuel?
No, no, that's over, but,
of course,
I'm not seeing anyone
else, either.
I'm thinking of changing
my name to Supernun.
I feel you.
Yeah, well, what are
our options, you know?
I mean, who is out there?
A bunch of muscle-bound
mutants and egomaniacs
that think just because
they can bend steel
we're supposed
to bend over,
and then the civilians, well,
they're scared we're going
to zap them with a ray
and shrink their Johnson.
Bye.
Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
Blood.
Ah.
I didn't kill anyone.
That's good.
I just cut my finger
slicing a bagel.
You should really slice
away from the hand.
Yeah, yeah, but
what's the fun in that?
True.
I like to live dangerously.
Really?
Oh yeah.
Um
Oh, don't say it.
I'm sure it's here somewhere.
You lost it.
It's not lost.
Nothing is lost.
We do not lose things here.
Maybe you did not bring it in.
What, are you kidding me?
No. I brought it
in last Tuesday.
No, no, don't hit me.
Buddy, get a grip.
Look at this woman.
She's not going
to hit anyone.
She just wants
her dry cleaning.
Just tell the lady that
you'll look for it
and as soon as you find it
you'll give her a call, huh?
Yes, yes.
Wow.
Thanks.
You're welcome.
Bye.
Bye.
Do you have other clothes?
Of course.
Do you think you could find
something else to wear
to the dinner I'm going
to ask you out to?
Look, Weasel, you
are talking to Batmanuel.
I know how you got your picture
in the paper, okay?
I wasn't born yesterday,
although I am still quite young.
I know you have
a PR agent.
It's pathetic.
Batmanuel does not need
to pay people
to plant his name and likeness
in the media outlets.
if you do not know
who Batmanuel is,
then you do not
deserve to know.
No, and, hold on,
just out of morbid curiosity,
Weasel, what does something
like that cost?
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Is that per week or per month?
[SNIFFS]
Oh, do you smell that, Arthur?
Urine, vomit, stale coffee,
cheap perfume,
vermin fecal matter
Sweet ambrosia
to my olfactory senses.
It's the stink of justice
that you just can't shower off.
Can we just
get this over with?
Okay, then.
My good sir, I'd like to report
a missing person
Me.
ARTHUR: The Tick was a missing
person all right,
even though he was
right here among us.
We fed everything
into the supercomputer
except the Tick himself.
If there was an ID match,
they'd find it.
[THE WHO'S "WHO ARE YOU?"
PLAYING]
There wasn't.
So we decided
to go public,
but something
wasn't making sense.
I mean, the Tick hardly ever
made sense,
but this was different.
Could the Tick be lying
or hiding something?
Was he an amnesiac
or just plain nuts?
Daddy?
Hello there.
GROVER:
This is your little pal
ARTHUR:
Or maybe all of the above.
GROVER: and I have come
to tell you something
Who are you?
HIGH PITCHED VOICE:
Who are you?
Stop mocking me.
HIGH PITCHED VOICE:
Stop mocking me.
Copycat!
HIGH PITCHED VOICE:
Copycat!
Arthur, who am I?
You really don't
remember anything?
I remembernothing.
Does that count?
[TELEPHONE RINGING]
Hello.
What?
Yeah, we'll be right there.
Good news?
I'm not sure.
There's someone down
at the police station
who says they know you.
Great Santini.
Yes, officer, that's him.
That's my husband.
Arthur, she's
pointing at me.
Oh, Ted, Ted!
Wait. Hold on a second.
Did you hear
that, Arthur? Ted.
Ted?
I have been worried to death.
Worried to death.
Oh, you poor zombie.
That's no way to die.
You know this woman?
You mean my wife?
Tick, what is going on here?
Apparently,
that's Ted, Arthur.
Well, forgive
my skepticism, miss.
That's Mrs.
Mrs. Glick,
Mrs. Ted Glick, his wife.
Honey, I looked
everywhere for you.
Surprise!
Here I am.
Yes, well, do you have
any actual proof
that this is your husband?
Would this help?
You've been leading
a double life?
That we know of.
Who knows who else will
come out of the woodwork
and tell me who I am?
I could be leading
a quadruple life.
That would be a record.
You bastard.
Easy there, chum.
That's no way
to address a lady.
I mean you!
Is this what you do?
Is this your MO?
My "mo"?
You lied to me.
I never lied to you, Arthur.
Well, then you hid this from me.
But in such
a good hiding place.
I forgot where
I put it.
Tick, this is
This is like bigamy.
It's not like, chum.
This is awfully
big of you.
Come on, Ted.
Let's go home.
Yes, dear, let's.
Don't forget Even though
I'm Ted, you're still Arthur.
Yes.
No, I'm looking
at them right now.
Well, yes, I'm impressed.
How could I not be?
I look damn good.
Listen, I want the same deal
as the Weasel.
How much?
And for that, you guarantee you
can get my name
and picture in the paper?
All right, well, then bill me.
Sucker.
Excuse me, sonny.
No, this table is taken.
Batmanuel, it's me.
Arthur?
You look soplain.
ThanksI, uh, I am.
Would you like to see some
really hot photos of me?
Uh, no.
There's nothing wrong
with men
being aroused
by other men.
Don't be ashamed
of your feelings.
No, I'm not.
So, how is life post-Tick?
And be prepared if your answer
is not scintillating,
my interest will wane rapidly.
Well, I
Will you excuse me for a second?
No, please, continue.
Batmanuel is a multitasker.
I just feel so betrayed.
I-I thought that the Tick was
the Tick and then I find out
that he's married
Yes, it's me.
Well, who else would it be?
Yes. Well, why would
he call you?
Hi. Is this seat taken?
I'll call you back.
Captain Liberty?
So, anyway
Arthur, would you run along?
Uh, Janet and I need
to have a private conversation
about when we'll
be having sex again.
Oh, no, no, no.
Arthur, no, don't get up.
It's a very short conversation.
Never.
Can you define never?
I met a man.
We're having
a really great time.
And the best part is he has
no idea I am Captain Liberty.
Wait till he finds out.
What is that supposed to mean?
Nothing, no, it's just, when he
finds out who wears the cape
in this relationship
You know, not everybody is
as threatened
by that as you are.
Yeah, well, not everybody
is Batmanuel.
In fact, only I am.
And thank God.
Well, I was working as an
accountant at Fishladder & Sons.
I did that
for about four years,
and then about
three months ago
I quit to, uh,
to be a superhero.
Kind of an impulsive
climb Everest type of thing,
and it was
a total mistake.
I don't know what
I was thinking.
I-I guess I wanted to help
people or something,
fight crime, but, uh,
but really, accounting,
it gives me a deep sense
of satisfaction.
Balancing the books
That's the battle I want to win.
Here we are at the Grand Canyon.
Do you remember being
at the Grand Canyon?
I remember vaguely
making the Grand Canyon.
Was that the same trip?
And here we are
at Mount Rushmore.
Did I battle those four stone
giants into submission?
And here we are
at the Eiffel Tower.
I fell.
No, Eiffel.
You fell.
Forget it.
How's the salad coming?
Well, actually, these lettuce
fragments are rather unwieldy.
Dear, I was wondering
if this would be a good time
to go out on patrol.
I could be back before the piece
of animal's behind
is thoroughly cooked.
Sit down, honey.
We're about to eat.
Perhaps later.
Honey, you haven't touched
your dinner.
No, I haven't.
Might this be an opportune
moment for me to dash out
and conduct a little patrol
of the area?
What about dessert?
Jehoshaphat, woman!
Crime is my dessert!
So, uh, there are things about
me that you don't know.
Hey, do you think I've told you
everything about myself?
Yeah, I've got lots of secrets
and mysteries.
Really?
Yes.
For instance, did you know
that I was once almost
a professional bowler?
Yep.
This is me.
Oh, yeah.
So, when will
I see you again?
How about now?
Wow.
Nobody moves,
nobody gets hurt.
Okay, let's go.
Wallets, jewelry, cash.
Um, yeah, yeah.
Anything, anything.
Just don't hurt us.
No, actually,
why don't you hurt us?
You're not getting jack,
so go ahead and try, loser.
Uh, Janet
Do you think
I'm fooling around?
No, she doesn't think
you're fooling around.
Janet.
Oh, do you think I am?
Loser!
Oh, damn,
I ripped my stocking.
Oh.
Sorry?
TV:
special reports
[CHANGES CHANNEL]
[CHANGES CHANNEL]
[CHANGES CHANNEL]
about here and there.
And that is, I am here,
you are there.
Tick.
[TURNS TV OFF]
Hey, you're back in your
So are you.
Yeah, well
Yeah, me, too.
Come in.
You see? There she is.
She must do this all the time.
She finds missing men and then
claims they're her husband.
Yeah, she probably
used Photoshop
and a bunch of other programs
to forge the documents.
The agency does
it all the time.
I thought the Tick was crazy,
but it's her.
Well, I wouldn't be so sure
about the Tick, either.
Well, whoever he is,
he's not Ted Glick.
And she's
a complete nut job.
Let's go.
TICK: Dear lady who thinks
I'm her husband.
I'm not.
Oh, no, that's no good.
Dear lady who thinks
I'm her husband,
we've been through
a lot together:
The good times,
the bad times,
the me-not-allowed-
to-go-on-patrol times.
We want different things.
You want a home
and a husband and a family.
I want to be the yin to
villainy's malevolent yang.
One of us is clearly nuts.
You probably think it's me,
which is okey-dokey.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
Who is it?
ARTHUR:
Tick, it's us.
Arthur, Captain Liberty.
Oh, jeez.
Hey, how's it going, Tick?
Marriage is hard work,
Captain.
Tick, you're not married
to that woman.
I'm not?
No.
Then what am I doing here?
Leaving.
Let me just pack a few things.
I have no things.
Then come on.
Hold on, chum.
TICK:
Love, Tick.
Tick?
Tick?
Tick or Ted
or Tuna Boat Tony?
Who?
Long story.
The point is, does it really
matter what you call me,
Arthur, or what I call you?
Isn't the most important
call the one we make
to that party line
of the collective unconscious,
that string of mysterious
arbitrary digits
that we add up on our mental
abacus and call us?
We call us, and who answers?
We do.
What the hell did
he just say?
Do I know?
Tick, in order
for us to be a duo,
to fight crime again,
you need to get
that license,
and more importantly,
I need to know the truth.
Do you, chum?
Well, I've given you
all I have.
My truth engine
is running on fumes.
Okay.
May I?
Please.
Thank you.
Tick, I agree
with a few measly scraps
of what you spewed out
that actually made sense.
Oh, bless your perceptions, you
shining knight of the nocturne.
See, this is what I mean.
What the hell
is he talking about?
Just go on.
Fine.
In my experience, there's only
one guaranteed way to ever
really know the truth
You must create it yourself.
And how do you do that?
You lie.
Okay, Mr. Daley, pleasure doing
business with you.
Please,
call me I.P.
Oh, wait.
My picture is
in the paper today.
ARTHUR:
Why?
Why?
Because I'm Batmanuel,
that's why.
It's not on the front page.
It must be page two.
Ahh.
That little Weasel.
[ALL LAUGHING]
Cool.
[d]