The Trouble with Maggie Cole (2020) s01e04 Episode Script
Episode 4
1
(Bell rings)
(Bell rings)
(Tyres squeal)
(Gunshot)
(Sirens wail)
SHE SINGS ALONG:
♪“ You come and go
I You come and go
I Karma, karma, karma, karma
Karma chameleon
I You come and go
I You come and go
I Loving would be easy
If your colours were like my dreams
- I Red, gold and green
- Oh, saints preserve us!
Down, not off.
Down, not off!
Today deserves a soundtrack.
Yeah, Why does it always have to be
the same soundtrack?
Because, when you married me,
you also married
the single greatest decade in music history.
You knew about it at the time,
it's too late now.
Coffee's ready.
- What are you doing?
- Writing letters.
Sharing our baby news
the old-fashioned way.
- Mm.
- I don't trust the internet any more.
- Who is that, W Carson?
- Mm.
- Carson Is that Wendy Carson?
- Mm.
You haven't spoken to her in, like, 20 years.
Not true.
She sends me a round robin letter
every single Christmas
telling me all about
her wonderful grandchildren.
Well, now it's my turn.
Well, I'm sure she's not trying to score
victory points over you or anything.
(She scoffs)
Oh, you lot really are a different species,
aren't you?
Venus and Mars, mate.
Venus and Mars.
You wouldn't have any stamps on you,
would you?
Oh, erm
Great.
That means another 20-minute round trip.
And this time just to get stamps.
Ostracised by my own village shop.
- You don't know you're ostracised.
- Oh, please!
Has she
said anything to you?
Roxanna?
No.
- Has Jill?
- No, Maggie.
They don't talk about it.
Not to me, anyway.
- Why would they.?
- Oh, I don't know.
Hey, come on!
We're gonna be grandparents.
Today is a good day.
- Yeah, with a bloody awful soundtrack.
- Hey, careful.
Right, so there's still a couple of bridges
to mend, the odd fire to put out.
But so what?
You know, mend them,
and put them out tomorrow.
I think you're allowed one day off
to think about
the best thing that's happened to us
in 28 years.
Don't you?
- Yes, I do.
- Mm.
In fact, I'll tell you what,
I'm not even going to think about
the big village anniversary planning meeting
that's happening tonight.
You know, the one you were hoping
I'd forgotten about.
Yeah, hoping, inwardly praying. You're not
seriously thinking about going back?
No.
No, I'm not.
Good.
Would it be inappropriate to ask them
to pay for their own postage?
Very.
So, who is that, G Douglas?
Erm, our old next door neighbour.
The one who made me chop down
the plum tree?
Yeah.
OK, right, make him pay for his.
All right.
All right, steady on.
- I'm off, Dad. I'll see you later.
- See you later.
Dear me
You couldn't make it up, could you,
some of the stuff they print these days?
Oh, but I'm sure they do.
How is Roxanne, anyway?
A.
- You what?
- It's Roxanna.
Oh, yes.
I was thinking about the song,
the one about the prostitute.
- All right?
- Hiya.
Poor Roxy.
I hope your brother's looking out for her.
How am I supposed to know
what my brother's doing or not doing?
- And anyway, stop changing the subject.
- The subject's over.
He owns a gun, big whoop.
It means nothing, proves nothing.
Reality check, Liam.
This is Thurlbury.
And the most exciting thing that is ever,
ever gonna happen to you here is me.
And honestly, I've got absolutely no idea
how you even managed that.
Yeah, you do.
I'm fit as.
They checked in yesterday, B&B.
- They're a couple of developers, OK?
- Pfft, developers.
Yeah, yeah.
They look like developers.
You're an idiot.
Fit as idiot.
Lucky for you, eh?
- See you tonight.
- See you in a bit.
(School bell rings)
Morning, Karen.
Morning.
Oh, what's this, then?
Do you have a secret admirer?
No, I do not.
- They're for Jill from that Marcus Ormansby.
- Really? Hm.
Yes, really.
And I don't know what he's playing at,
sending them here. This is a primary school.
Mm, good point. Have them destroyed
in a controlled explosion.
- Can't be too careful.
- Oh!
Someone called for you this morning.
A journalist.
What did they?
I don't know.
But I told them to never
- never call again.
- Thank you, Karen.
Thank you.
I don't know what I'd do without you.
(She sighs heavily)
Oh, God, I told you this would happen now,
didn't I? I said.
- Where is it?
- Where's what?
The tracking device
she must've planted on me during dinner.
- Hi, Mum.
- Hey!
- What are you two doing here?
- We've been shoplifting.
Oh!
Right, well, since you are here, actually
You wouldn't bob in there and grab me
a book of stamps, would you?
- It's just I'm double parked
- No, you're not.
Aren't I?
I don't think I've ever understood
what double parking is.
(She laughs)
Six will do, first class, please.
Oh, for God's sake!
Do you want us to buy you a packet of fags
and a bottle of White Lightning, too?
Look, blame this on
the tiny microscopic beginnings of life
firing off hormones inside me
and making me all emoshie.
That's all, understood?
You made a mistake a couple of weeks ago
and you've been making it right ever since.
And you've been doing it well,
really well.
You can walk into a shop
and buy some stamps.
- Thanks, Becka.
- Hormones, tiny life, emoshie, I just said.
Come on.
- I'll call you tonight, Mum.
- Yeah.
Bye.
- That was really nice.
- Not it wasn't.
I just want to get home, that's all.
- You're being nice.
- Shut your face!
(They laugh)
£6.40, please.
Oh!
EMIL: Thank you.
Thank you.
(She clears her throat)
Hello.
A book of stamps, please.
How's Roxy?
Is she'?
Well, I mean, of course she's, erm
I did go into the school the other day
and I tried to see her,
but she was, you know
I am going to speak with her, Emil.
I'm not saying that I can make it right.
And I don't blame her for
But it wasn't how it sounded.
It really wasn't.
The context of the whole thing was just
Urgh!
I mean, yes, I know that I really should be
saying all of this to her and not to you.
I do know that, I do.
And I will.
- Six, first class?
- (Woman clears her throat)
With you in a moment, Mrs Evans.
Maggie here is just telling me
how she's going to talk to my daughter,
explain how it was all out of context.
You know, all those things she said about
the only Polish girl in Thurlbury.
Polish girl?
You don't?
Oh, you don't think that?
Oh, my God!
No.
Emil, no, I swear.
Look, I know everything that I've done wrong
and I own it, all of it.
But that is not true.
That one is actually not true
because I would never, never
What's a Thurlbrian, Maggie?
Hm?
Oh, come on, you're always saying it.
What is it?
Well it's a, er
a son of nickname
for someone's Who's born in the village.
It's not a racist thing.
It would never mean
I mean, Mrs Evans,
you're not a Thurlbrian.
There, you see?
- And she's English.
- I'm Welsh.
Yeah, well
- Well, yeah, but you know What I mean.
- Not really, no.
- And are you gonna be much longer?
- No, she's not, Mrs Evans.
Because we're all out of stamps.
Right.
(Phone rings)
Hello?
Yeah, I'm good, thanks.
How are you?
Did I get what?
Er, just give me two secs.
Karen, has there been a?
Yeah, I've got them now.
They're absolutely lovely.
Thank you!
No, of course I don't think it's clichéd.
(She scoffs)
Karen says hi, by the way.
Karen, the secretary.
Yeah, that's the one.
I was wondering if you were
doing anything around sort of tonight?
Such as?
I was thinking food.
Erm, I imagine, at some stage
I will be eating food, yes.
Right, do you want to have some here?
Er, I'm sure
that I could have food there, yes.
Are you gonna cook for me, then?
Actually I'm planning on ordering
a takeaway, hiding the packaging
and then pretending I cooked it.
But if you could politely go along
with the pretence,
that would be great.
Oh, God, hang on, I forgot.
I've got this thing tonight.
- Oh, some other time.
- No, no, it's fine.
It's only, er
six till seven.
It's this Thurlbury planning thingy
I've got at the village hall.
You should come.
It'll be fun.
-Will it?
- No.
But I could do with all the moral support
I can get.
I'm not great with public speaking.
You must be, you're a teacher.
Yeah, but you don't tend to get a lot
of awkward silences with eight-year—olds.
And if you do,
they usually fill them by blowing raspberries.
(He laughs)
(Phone line beeps)
I've got a call waiting.
But, yes, that's fine.
I'll see you there, six o'clock.
I'll pick up the takeaway on the way back.
And I'll pretend not to look.
I appreciate it.
- Bye.
- See you (here.
(Phone rings)
Hello?
It is, yes.
Who's this?
Oh, for
If this is about the sodding interview,
look, I don't base my characters on anyone.
I make them up, all right?
Has this story not played out already?
What?
Who?
No, I can't.
I don't know anything about the woman.
I've met her, like, three times in my life.
Sorry, which paper did you say you're from?
(Phone line beeps)
Hello?
(He sighs)
(Buster barks)
Yes.
(Phone rings)
- Hey, how's it going?
- I'm sorry to ring, I am.
I said to myself, "I'm not going to bother you
with this, not when you're at work, "
But then I said to myself,
"I can ring at lunchtime, that is OK."
So, I have waited till exactly
(School bell rings)
Oh, I must be a bit fast.
- What?
- What?
- Maggie, is something wrong?
- Yeah, something's wrong. I'm very upset!
I bit the bullet, Peter.
I went into the shop
and I tried to buy stamps.
And now everybody thinks that I'm a racist!
What the hell kind of stamps did you ask for?
It was Emil, he implied
that the only reason I said those things
about Roxanna is because
WHISPERS: ..because she's Polish.
Why are you whispering?
Because I'm very upset.
And because it's the worst possible thing
you could say about a person.
- That they're Polish?
- No!
That they're racist!
Er
Did he actually say that, though?
No. But he obviously thinks it.
They all do.
They've been thinking it
for two Whole weeks now,
They're there new still thinking it.
I mean, what am I supposed to do?
How am I supposed to apologise for this one?
I mean, it's not even true!
I voted no to Brexit!
I was very, extremely vocal about it.
I had a badge.
{had a bumper sticker.
I can conjugate plurals in French.
Bijou, caillou, chou
,.genou,.joujou,.pou.
It's just crossed Wires or something.
That's all, you know?
We'll sort it, same as everything else.
We'll sort it, OK?
OK. I'm sorry I bothered you.
Sorry.
No, don't be silly.
It's fine.
Look, we'll talk about it tonight, OK?
It'll be all right.
Mm, yeah.
- I love you.
- I love you, too.
- What's happened?
- What do you mean?
Why are you home?
What's happened?
It's Thursday, my half day.
Same as it's been every Thursday
for the past ten months.
- Oh, yes, I know that.
- Are you OK?
Yeah, Maggie Cole was in earlier.
Was she?
Oh, God, What have you done now?
I'm on Nan visiting duty again.
Yeah?
Tell you what, Why don't we swap?
You go down the boatyard and do some
manual labour for once in your life
and I'll go and drink tea with our nan.
Hey, Alex
how come you haven't spoken
to your girlfriend since the whole paper thing,
even though you told Mum that you have?
- I've been busy.
- Aw. Your little sailor friends
- been taking the piss, have they?
- Yeah, they have.
About the fact my little brother's
a drugged-up, work-shy, waste of space.
Is that right?
Well, you tell 'em from me
they've got nothing to worry about there
cos I've got plans.
- Oh, you've got plans, have you?
- Yeah, I have.
(He sighs)
Hand these out
at your little gambling meetings, do they?
It must help.
I mean, you've been clean for years now.
I mean, I know you have
cos you told Mum that, too.
Liam, are you ready?
There you are, come on,
we've got to get going.
Ah, well, enjoy your manual labour.
- Are you all right, Alex?
- Yeah, I'm fine, Mum.
Oh.
All right, Alex?
- Just picking up my final cheque.
- As if you need it.
Congratulations, by the way.
Cheers, yeah.
How's Roxy?
We've got her Josh-sitting this weekend.
Me and Kelly are off to Blackpool
for our anniversary.
Blackpool You win a million quid
and you're going to Blackpool?
It wasn't a million.
Just under 100 grand, really.
You shouldn't believe everything
you read in the papers, mate.
Everyone in the village
has stopped buying tickets now.
They think us winning
has stacked the odds against them.
Well
Odds don't work that way.
No?
You'd be surprised
how fast you can burn through money.
I'll probably be begging for my job back
in a couple of weeks.
ALEX: I had it.
- Did ya?
- Some
Someone took it.
Did they?
I'm telling you the truth.
Look, I'll sort it, I'll just
Just give me a couple more days.
24 hours.
Anyway, see you around, mate.
(Text message alert)
(Telephone rings)
Thurlbury Historic
- Keep.
- MAN: Oh, hello,
I was wondering,
do you allow dogs (here?
- I've got this miniature schnauzer and
- Er, can I call you back?
Hi, Maggie, are you busy?
(Telephone rings)
(Maggie sighs)
Do you need to get that?
No, it's just that man
with his miniature schnauzer again.
- His What?
- Oh, don't worry about it.
He'll give up in a sec.
- (Telephone stops ringing)
- There, see?
- There's biscuits.
- I'm fine.
I've heard the news, of course.
Congratulations.
Sorry?
Oh, God, yes!
- Thank you, yes, thanks.
- Jill told me.
She also said you were at school
the other day looking for me.
Yes, I was hoping to be able
to talk to you after, you know
- And I went to the shop this morning to
- I know.
Well, I'm here now.
Yeah.
Erm, I just keep saying the same thing
to everybody, to all of you,
that it was out of context.
I mean, I've said it so many times
it's become a mantra.
But, really, it's just an excuse,
because how could it sound any better,
even in context?
Well, you tell me, What was the context?
Er, me
tipsy
showing off.
- Probably not, then, no.
- No.
But then that wasn't the context, was it?
No, the context was you repeating
what you'd heard.
You think I hadn't heard it, too?
You think I haven't heard it all my life,
ever since I turned, What, 14, 15?
Admittedly, never on the radio before.
That was certainly a new one.
But the looks I got the day after the broadcast
were the same looks I got the day before it.
A small community, isn't it?
Rumours start when you're too young
and too insecure to stop them.
Then that's it, you live with them.
Did you believe them or were you just
saying them because they were there?
I don't know.
Honest, thank you.
- Roxanna
- No, no, I mean it.
Well, for the record,
I've only ever had two boyfriends.
Two?!
Sorry, I didn't mean
I wasn't saying that in surprise.
No, actually, I was saying that in surprise.
Because, I mean,
have you ever seen you?
- No, I haven't.
- Oh, I've
- I've said the wrong thing again, haven't I?
- That's OK.
You haven't broadcast it this time.
Have you?
I wish.
I wish I could broadcast
all of these apologies.
Or at least my rubbish attempts at them.
Roxanna, you do know
that none of this was because?
- Because you're
- Because I'm?
Polish.
Oh, that.
They're staying another night,
I've updated the register.
Right. What do they actually develop,
these developers?
I don't know.
They don't seem to be doing much of it,
Whatever it is.
(Telephone rings)
The Conqueror.
That's right.
He is, yeah.
Who's calling, please?
Right.
Well, in that case, do you mind
if I give you a quote myself you can use?
Piss off!
(Room falls silent)
Mum.
"The werewolf stepped towards him,
its huge, muscular hairy legs"
Miss! Miss!
".. Looking ridiculous beneath
the bright blue stockings."
Can I have one?
Balloon?
No, no, they're for the anniversary
celebrations this weekend, but
as long as you come,
I'll make sure you get one, OK, Emma?
-All right?
-3c
Would you all like to tell Miss Wheadon
what we listen with during story time?
ALL: Our ears.
And what don't we listen with?
ALL: Our mouths.
We don't listen with our mouths,
Miss Wheadon.
Sorry, Mr Cole.
Sorry, 30.
(Children laugh)
ROXANNA: That wasn't aimed at you
this morning, by the way,
What my dad said.
Well, obviously, it was, but
it's a lot more generalised than you think,
if that helps.
He's always had this bee in his bonnet
about us being viewed as outsiders here.
And every now and then that bee gets out
and stings someone.
Well, why would he ever think that?
Everyone loves Emil.
I don't think I've ever heard
a bad word said against him.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Then maybe he's got a point.
You see, don't get me wrong,
I love him to bits,
but he is a right miserable old sod.
He's blunt, opinionated,
bad-tempered, tight with money, sarcastic.
And I don't mean behind closed doors, either.
I mean, openly,
from behind the counter to customers.
And you've never heard a bad word
said against him?
- No.
- And what does that tell you?
Dad always talks about
how welcome everyone made us feel
when we first moved here.
The problem for him is that was 12 years ago,
they're still doing it.
Do you know how many people we had
coming in the day after the referendum,
sympathetically telling him
how sorry they were and how they voted no?
Well, I voted no, obviously.
I mean, I'm not trying
- He voted yes!
- What?
Oh, it gets worse.
- He votes Tory, too.
- But he
See how easy it is?
Yeah.
I have lived with rumours all my life.
He's lived with this.
And you poor sods
have to live with both of us.
I am so sorry, Roxanna.
I know.
And to be honest, I didn't come here for that.
I came here
because of what dad said to you.
Not to apologise for it,
but maybe to try and explain it.
Put it into context, as it were.
Well, thank you.
Me and Alex used to come here
when we first started seeing each other.
Did you?
I don't remember ever seeing you here.
Well, we came in the evening.
But it's not open to the public in the evening.
Oh, right,
I must be thinking of somewhere else.
Ah
on you eat Hula Hoops?
Because I used to find
loads of empty packets everywhere.
I suppose I should let that slide,
under the circumstances.
- Probably.
- Right.
You know I did get one thing out of all this,
don't you?
I found out how little I must matter to him.
What do you mean?
I mean,
he hasn't even been in touch with me once
since this whole thing started.
Oh, Roxanna, that whole family
has had a hard time of it lately.
I'm sure it's
It takes two seconds to send a text.
Even that would've done it.
Just a text.
Now, every time this thing beeps,
I jump thinking it might be him.
But it never is.
Well, I'm waiting for the same thing myself.
Not from Alex, you understand.
- You've got nothing to worry about there.
- Who, then?
Jill.
I hurt my best friend.
And for what?
To impress some twit of a reporter
and feel important for half an hour.
I love her and I miss her.
And whether I deserve it or not,
just to hear one beep on my phone
and see her name come up on that screen
would be, you know
Right, then.
You've made all the effort to come up here.
The least I can do is run you home.
- I hope you like Duran Duran.
- I've never heard of them.
-What?
- Must be one of those
- POLISH ACCENT: ..British bands.
- Oh, you, honestly!
(Car stereo thumps)
- Where are you going?
- In there with you.
I thought I might ask for a job.
What? You're always saying
I need to get another job.
Yeah, I'm pretty sure I never said another.
Since flogging weed
never really qualified in my book.
Fills my wallet, don't it?
What, the one with your name
sewn on the front?
That was a present.
Anyway, look, you can swing it with him,
you can get me in.
I would do anything, you know?
No questions asked.
(She laughs)
Come on, then.
At least it'll be funny, if nothing else.
- Hey.
- Are you all right?
All right, mate?
Hello.
My boyfriend was wondering
if you had any jobs going.
He said he'd do anything,
no questions asked.
- What?
- That's right.
Syd will vouch for us.
Yeah, I'm not gonna vouch for him.
I mean, I certainly wouldn't let him
near the pumps or the till.
But, er, didn't you say you were after
a pot scrubber for the weekends?
Pot?
Plates and glasses, Liam.
It's how I started.
Yeah.
You were 14 and
Oh, he's basically 14.
(He sighs)
Fine.
Lunchtime, Saturday, Sunday.
Yeah, all right!
Today's Thursday, Liam.
Yeah.
I know it is.
- I'll pick you up later, then.
- Yep.
Have a good one.
Thanks for that, mate.
Cheers.
NHL". It wasn't a million.
Just under a 100 grand, really.
You shouldn't believe everything
you read in the papers.
JENNY: Not one word of any of (his is true.
You know that, don't you?
DURAN DURAN ON CAR STEREO: I Dark in the city, night is a wire
I Steam in the subway, earth is afire
I Do do do do do do do do-do I
Thanks.
Are you coming in?
Er, I wasn't planning on it, no.
I'm kind of gonna have to insist.
I'm really gonna need that bee back in his
bonnet by tonight, and I think you can help.
- How?
- By saying all the wrong things.
- Hi, Dad.
- Oh, hello, darling.
Oh
Maggie has apologised
and I have accepted.
Yes, I'd like to apologise to you, too, Emil.
I'm aware that I've hurt you
as much as her.
And I'm never gonna stop trying
to make it up to you.
To both of you.
And there is something else
that I'd like to say, too.
Something that I should've said
a long, long time ago.
OK.
Your biscuits
are twice the price
they are in Sainsbury's.
And it's not as if we don't all know that you
pay exactly the same for them wholesale.
Just as we all know fully well
that you always put a couple of barely
in-date milk cartons at the front of the fridge
in amongst all the fresh ones.
And this morning, I accidentally picked up
a magazine about serial killers.
I mean, it's not as if
I'm the tallest person in the world, is it?
So, if I can reach that, then
Oh, you've sold it.
I mean, what are you doing
selling something like that, anyway?
- Yeah, well, people like
- And another thing.
Have you ever thought
of service with a smile?
I mean, you know, try it at least.
Speaking of which,
why have you still got that silly moustache?
Well, I'm growing it, aren't I, for charity?
You know, Movember.
- In fact, it was you who made me do it.
- Well, that was months ago.
Please, shave it off immediately,
because it doesn't suit you at all.
(Text message alert)
Is it?
Yeah.
Excuse me.
Now, where were we?
Six first class stamps, wasn't it?
Please.
Oh, we've only got 12.
Mm-hm.
And I suppose they're twice as expensive,
are they?
I'm afraid so.
(He sighs)
PETER: So, it's all right, then?
- All sorted?
- MAGGIE: All sorted.
I should never have bothered you
with it at work, I'm sorry about that.
No, no, it's fine.
So, I can actually go back
in the shop again now, can I?
Absolutely.
Just don't discuss politics.
- Why?
- Actually, no, do discuss politics.
- He'd like that.
- (Text message alert)
And you know, we ought to head back now,
if we're gonna make the planning meeting.
- I thought you said we weren't going to that.
- Well, I've changed my mind.
Today was a good day, after all.
Just like you said.
So, I think that we should go.
I mean, we're not gonna talk,
we're not gonna ask questions,
we're just gonna stand at the back
and show that we're OK.
Show that everything is OK.
- And so when did you decide all this?
- Five minutes ago.
Hi, Jamie, it's Mum.
What?
I thought you said you didn't want to go.
Mum's changed her mind.
She said she wants us to go
to this village hall thing,
the whole family.
Tell her I'm pregnant.
- She knows you're pregnant.
- Well, remind her.
Beck says to remind you
that she's pregnant.
Well, she's not that pregnant.
She says to tell you
that you're not that pregnant.
She said What?
Give
Give it to me.
You go and unlock the car.
- Jamie, it's your dad.
- Hey, Dad.
So, everything all right with you?
Yeah, Why?
No, no, no, no, no reason,
just checking.
- Just asking.
- Are you OK?
Yeah.
Yeah, no, I'm fine. Fine.
Right, listen, Jamie
about tonight
Right.
Mm.
Dad says he thinks
that we should go tonight.
He says
Mum's in a particularly good mood.
Apparently, she's just found out
she's not racist.
Well, there's not much
you can say to that, is there?
Not really.
We'll see you there.
Erm, I thought you said we were in a hurry.
Yeah.
"We don't want to end up
making a big entrance,” you said.
Yeah, we are, and I don't.
- Still got to look nice, though, haven't I?
- Mm.
I also thought you said that we'd
sit at the back where nobody would see us.
Well, yes, but somebody might see us
driving along, or in the car park.
And I am doing this for you, Peter.
We're going to be out in public
and I know how much you like to be seen
out with a dolly bird on your arm.
A dolly bird?
What, are you saying I'm not a dolly bird?
I
I don't know how to answer that question.
Yes, you are a dolly bird.
That is the right answer.
Today, anyway.
Obviously, on any other day, it would be
sexist and demeaning and rather icky.
Yeah, obviously.
I mean, look, maybe I do want to look good.
After everything that's happened,
maybe I do want people to see me and think,
"Well, she looks well and happy,”
because I am well and happy.
You know, the winds are changing, Peter,
at last.
Look, there's Kelly and Carol and Roxanna
have forgiven me.
And I'm not a racist.
And I'm going to be a grandma.
And I'm allowed back in the shop.
Ha-ha!
Obviously, the grandmother one
is the most important of those,
- that should've been at the end of the list.
- No, it's OK, I know what you mean.
- Things do seem to be looking up.
- Exactly.
Right, well
I'll leave you to it, then.
Presumably,
you're gonna change into a suit and tie.
A suit and tie?
I don't even wear a suit and tie
to work half the
Oh
You
You really are feeling a lot better,
aren't you?
New ream am.
- Gm.
Jesus, it's like The Wicker Man,
Hi.
Hey!
Oh, sorry, were you going in for a kiss then?
Well, son of.
Just a hello peck son of thing.
- Don't worry.
- Sorry.
- Do it now, if you want.
- Erm
No, it's OK.
Hello.
Hello.
So, are you OK?
What are you actually going to do?
- Is it like a speech or?
- Oh, no.
No, it's more of an open Q and A
and suggestions.
Most of which I'll write down
and then ignore.
I've kind of been arranging things
these last couple days, anyway, in secret.
Oh, that's nice.
Did you let the kids decorate that for you?
Oh, no.
No, this is, erm
Maggie's.
Oh.
She's not coming, is she?
- I highly doubt it.
- I had some journalist call me earlier
- asking if I had any stories about her.
-Yeah, me, too.
Well, that makes sense,
you've probably got loads.
Mm, yeah, one or two.
Hey, you're not really nervous, are you?
No.
Well, yeah.
A little tip.
Just imagine the audience naked.
- Great, thanks for that.
- Sorry.
- I'm not doing very well here, am I?
- No, not really.
But in a funny kind of way,
that makes me feel better, too.
Good.
I'm pleased my inherent social awkwardness
- helps put yours in perspective a bit.
- I will have that kiss now, please.
Hm.
You're gonna be fine.
Start with a joke, end on a song.
- Never heard me sing, have you?
- No.
Although I have heard some of your jokes.
And do you know what?
Scratch that advice, too.
Go on, grab a seat in the mesh pit.
Let's get this over with.
All right?
(Phone rings)
- Hi.
- Hi, Rex.
So, We been
I've been at work all day,
else I would've phoned, not texted, but
I miss you, too.
But this phone cell's
been a long time in coming.
I know, I know.
I'm semi, I just
This last week's just been
I've had a lot on my mind.
You've had a lot on your mind?
Are you there?
Yeah, yeah.
You sound weird.
Has something happened?
Oh, it's just family stuff.
I'll explain it to you, I will.
I'll tell you even/thing, I just
Roxy
I want to see you.
I want to make it up to you.
I was thinking maybe tomorrow night
we could
Yeah.
Well, I can't tomorrow.
It's Neil and Kelly's anniversary
this weekend.
I'm staying there, taking care of Josh.
Maybe I could come over,
bring a pizza and a kid-friendly DVD
and keep you company.
Please
Please, Roxy, just give me a chance.
I'll have to check they're OK with it.
Is that a yes?
It's a maybe.
I like those odds.
You're that writer.
Er, yes.
You write them books.
I do, yes.
Never read 'em, not my thing.
You know who I like?
That Martina Cole.
And that, erm
Stephen King.
Do you know 'em?
Yes, actually, we all live together.
What?
Erm, hello.
Hi, even/one.
Er, thank you for coming
and welcome to the, erm
I guess, er, delayed meet for
the anniversary celebrations this weekend.
(News alert beep)
Erm
- I suppose I should just start by, erm
- (News alert beeps)
giving you the rundown
on what's already planned and, er
- then we can take it from there.
- (Everyone starts talking)
Erm
Yeah.
Excuse me?
Hello!
It looks busy.
- It sounds busy.
- Yeah.
- (Phone rings)
- Oh, hang on, hang on.
It's Karen.
Karen?
What's she doing ringing you out of hours?
Well, I don't know, do I?
I have to answer it first.
- Oh
- Should I answer it?
No, please, don't answer it.
In fact, can you put it on silent?
We don't want it ringing in there.
We're listening with our ears,
not our mouths.
Sorry, teacher humour there.
Seriously, though, everyone,
I don't have a microphone here,
so, if you
(Everyone continues talking)
- We don't have to go.
- Oh, don't be silly, of course we're going.
We're gonna stand at the back,
nobody will even know we're there.
- (Phone buzzes)
- You're vibrating.
Yeah, well, I'm nervous.
(Loud chatter)
(Hall falls silent)
No, don't mind us, we're just here
But that
This is
None of this is true!
The Whole thing.
This is completely the
Peter, tell them!
I think we should go.
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to
Peter?
Peter!
Sorry we're late.
Oh, yeah,
I do hope we haven't missed anything.
That would be awful.
What's wrong?
- Mum, are you all right?
- Jamie
It's not true, is it?
It's not true?
Dad?
(He sighs)
And all this time, you and him
with this secret between you.
It's Maggie we're talking about.
Trust me, those apron strings
are made of steel cable.
I should know, I've been trying
to saw through them for years.
- I'm going to go away.
- Where are you going?
Maggie's having a night way.
But apparently there's a vegetable lasagne
in the fridge, so
I could get us fish and chips.
You should be able to eat what you want,
when you want.
Well, the truth is,
I'm not the person you think I am at all.
So, have they got it all
secretly stashed away,
locked up inside a special safe
hidden behind a painting?
Kelly, Alex is here. He says that money
you found, he says it was his.
- Mummy?
- Josh?
Where is my money, Kelly?!
(Bell rings)
(Bell rings)
(Tyres squeal)
(Gunshot)
(Sirens wail)
SHE SINGS ALONG:
♪“ You come and go
I You come and go
I Karma, karma, karma, karma
Karma chameleon
I You come and go
I You come and go
I Loving would be easy
If your colours were like my dreams
- I Red, gold and green
- Oh, saints preserve us!
Down, not off.
Down, not off!
Today deserves a soundtrack.
Yeah, Why does it always have to be
the same soundtrack?
Because, when you married me,
you also married
the single greatest decade in music history.
You knew about it at the time,
it's too late now.
Coffee's ready.
- What are you doing?
- Writing letters.
Sharing our baby news
the old-fashioned way.
- Mm.
- I don't trust the internet any more.
- Who is that, W Carson?
- Mm.
- Carson Is that Wendy Carson?
- Mm.
You haven't spoken to her in, like, 20 years.
Not true.
She sends me a round robin letter
every single Christmas
telling me all about
her wonderful grandchildren.
Well, now it's my turn.
Well, I'm sure she's not trying to score
victory points over you or anything.
(She scoffs)
Oh, you lot really are a different species,
aren't you?
Venus and Mars, mate.
Venus and Mars.
You wouldn't have any stamps on you,
would you?
Oh, erm
Great.
That means another 20-minute round trip.
And this time just to get stamps.
Ostracised by my own village shop.
- You don't know you're ostracised.
- Oh, please!
Has she
said anything to you?
Roxanna?
No.
- Has Jill?
- No, Maggie.
They don't talk about it.
Not to me, anyway.
- Why would they.?
- Oh, I don't know.
Hey, come on!
We're gonna be grandparents.
Today is a good day.
- Yeah, with a bloody awful soundtrack.
- Hey, careful.
Right, so there's still a couple of bridges
to mend, the odd fire to put out.
But so what?
You know, mend them,
and put them out tomorrow.
I think you're allowed one day off
to think about
the best thing that's happened to us
in 28 years.
Don't you?
- Yes, I do.
- Mm.
In fact, I'll tell you what,
I'm not even going to think about
the big village anniversary planning meeting
that's happening tonight.
You know, the one you were hoping
I'd forgotten about.
Yeah, hoping, inwardly praying. You're not
seriously thinking about going back?
No.
No, I'm not.
Good.
Would it be inappropriate to ask them
to pay for their own postage?
Very.
So, who is that, G Douglas?
Erm, our old next door neighbour.
The one who made me chop down
the plum tree?
Yeah.
OK, right, make him pay for his.
All right.
All right, steady on.
- I'm off, Dad. I'll see you later.
- See you later.
Dear me
You couldn't make it up, could you,
some of the stuff they print these days?
Oh, but I'm sure they do.
How is Roxanne, anyway?
A.
- You what?
- It's Roxanna.
Oh, yes.
I was thinking about the song,
the one about the prostitute.
- All right?
- Hiya.
Poor Roxy.
I hope your brother's looking out for her.
How am I supposed to know
what my brother's doing or not doing?
- And anyway, stop changing the subject.
- The subject's over.
He owns a gun, big whoop.
It means nothing, proves nothing.
Reality check, Liam.
This is Thurlbury.
And the most exciting thing that is ever,
ever gonna happen to you here is me.
And honestly, I've got absolutely no idea
how you even managed that.
Yeah, you do.
I'm fit as.
They checked in yesterday, B&B.
- They're a couple of developers, OK?
- Pfft, developers.
Yeah, yeah.
They look like developers.
You're an idiot.
Fit as idiot.
Lucky for you, eh?
- See you tonight.
- See you in a bit.
(School bell rings)
Morning, Karen.
Morning.
Oh, what's this, then?
Do you have a secret admirer?
No, I do not.
- They're for Jill from that Marcus Ormansby.
- Really? Hm.
Yes, really.
And I don't know what he's playing at,
sending them here. This is a primary school.
Mm, good point. Have them destroyed
in a controlled explosion.
- Can't be too careful.
- Oh!
Someone called for you this morning.
A journalist.
What did they?
I don't know.
But I told them to never
- never call again.
- Thank you, Karen.
Thank you.
I don't know what I'd do without you.
(She sighs heavily)
Oh, God, I told you this would happen now,
didn't I? I said.
- Where is it?
- Where's what?
The tracking device
she must've planted on me during dinner.
- Hi, Mum.
- Hey!
- What are you two doing here?
- We've been shoplifting.
Oh!
Right, well, since you are here, actually
You wouldn't bob in there and grab me
a book of stamps, would you?
- It's just I'm double parked
- No, you're not.
Aren't I?
I don't think I've ever understood
what double parking is.
(She laughs)
Six will do, first class, please.
Oh, for God's sake!
Do you want us to buy you a packet of fags
and a bottle of White Lightning, too?
Look, blame this on
the tiny microscopic beginnings of life
firing off hormones inside me
and making me all emoshie.
That's all, understood?
You made a mistake a couple of weeks ago
and you've been making it right ever since.
And you've been doing it well,
really well.
You can walk into a shop
and buy some stamps.
- Thanks, Becka.
- Hormones, tiny life, emoshie, I just said.
Come on.
- I'll call you tonight, Mum.
- Yeah.
Bye.
- That was really nice.
- Not it wasn't.
I just want to get home, that's all.
- You're being nice.
- Shut your face!
(They laugh)
£6.40, please.
Oh!
EMIL: Thank you.
Thank you.
(She clears her throat)
Hello.
A book of stamps, please.
How's Roxy?
Is she'?
Well, I mean, of course she's, erm
I did go into the school the other day
and I tried to see her,
but she was, you know
I am going to speak with her, Emil.
I'm not saying that I can make it right.
And I don't blame her for
But it wasn't how it sounded.
It really wasn't.
The context of the whole thing was just
Urgh!
I mean, yes, I know that I really should be
saying all of this to her and not to you.
I do know that, I do.
And I will.
- Six, first class?
- (Woman clears her throat)
With you in a moment, Mrs Evans.
Maggie here is just telling me
how she's going to talk to my daughter,
explain how it was all out of context.
You know, all those things she said about
the only Polish girl in Thurlbury.
Polish girl?
You don't?
Oh, you don't think that?
Oh, my God!
No.
Emil, no, I swear.
Look, I know everything that I've done wrong
and I own it, all of it.
But that is not true.
That one is actually not true
because I would never, never
What's a Thurlbrian, Maggie?
Hm?
Oh, come on, you're always saying it.
What is it?
Well it's a, er
a son of nickname
for someone's Who's born in the village.
It's not a racist thing.
It would never mean
I mean, Mrs Evans,
you're not a Thurlbrian.
There, you see?
- And she's English.
- I'm Welsh.
Yeah, well
- Well, yeah, but you know What I mean.
- Not really, no.
- And are you gonna be much longer?
- No, she's not, Mrs Evans.
Because we're all out of stamps.
Right.
(Phone rings)
Hello?
Yeah, I'm good, thanks.
How are you?
Did I get what?
Er, just give me two secs.
Karen, has there been a?
Yeah, I've got them now.
They're absolutely lovely.
Thank you!
No, of course I don't think it's clichéd.
(She scoffs)
Karen says hi, by the way.
Karen, the secretary.
Yeah, that's the one.
I was wondering if you were
doing anything around sort of tonight?
Such as?
I was thinking food.
Erm, I imagine, at some stage
I will be eating food, yes.
Right, do you want to have some here?
Er, I'm sure
that I could have food there, yes.
Are you gonna cook for me, then?
Actually I'm planning on ordering
a takeaway, hiding the packaging
and then pretending I cooked it.
But if you could politely go along
with the pretence,
that would be great.
Oh, God, hang on, I forgot.
I've got this thing tonight.
- Oh, some other time.
- No, no, it's fine.
It's only, er
six till seven.
It's this Thurlbury planning thingy
I've got at the village hall.
You should come.
It'll be fun.
-Will it?
- No.
But I could do with all the moral support
I can get.
I'm not great with public speaking.
You must be, you're a teacher.
Yeah, but you don't tend to get a lot
of awkward silences with eight-year—olds.
And if you do,
they usually fill them by blowing raspberries.
(He laughs)
(Phone line beeps)
I've got a call waiting.
But, yes, that's fine.
I'll see you there, six o'clock.
I'll pick up the takeaway on the way back.
And I'll pretend not to look.
I appreciate it.
- Bye.
- See you (here.
(Phone rings)
Hello?
It is, yes.
Who's this?
Oh, for
If this is about the sodding interview,
look, I don't base my characters on anyone.
I make them up, all right?
Has this story not played out already?
What?
Who?
No, I can't.
I don't know anything about the woman.
I've met her, like, three times in my life.
Sorry, which paper did you say you're from?
(Phone line beeps)
Hello?
(He sighs)
(Buster barks)
Yes.
(Phone rings)
- Hey, how's it going?
- I'm sorry to ring, I am.
I said to myself, "I'm not going to bother you
with this, not when you're at work, "
But then I said to myself,
"I can ring at lunchtime, that is OK."
So, I have waited till exactly
(School bell rings)
Oh, I must be a bit fast.
- What?
- What?
- Maggie, is something wrong?
- Yeah, something's wrong. I'm very upset!
I bit the bullet, Peter.
I went into the shop
and I tried to buy stamps.
And now everybody thinks that I'm a racist!
What the hell kind of stamps did you ask for?
It was Emil, he implied
that the only reason I said those things
about Roxanna is because
WHISPERS: ..because she's Polish.
Why are you whispering?
Because I'm very upset.
And because it's the worst possible thing
you could say about a person.
- That they're Polish?
- No!
That they're racist!
Er
Did he actually say that, though?
No. But he obviously thinks it.
They all do.
They've been thinking it
for two Whole weeks now,
They're there new still thinking it.
I mean, what am I supposed to do?
How am I supposed to apologise for this one?
I mean, it's not even true!
I voted no to Brexit!
I was very, extremely vocal about it.
I had a badge.
{had a bumper sticker.
I can conjugate plurals in French.
Bijou, caillou, chou
,.genou,.joujou,.pou.
It's just crossed Wires or something.
That's all, you know?
We'll sort it, same as everything else.
We'll sort it, OK?
OK. I'm sorry I bothered you.
Sorry.
No, don't be silly.
It's fine.
Look, we'll talk about it tonight, OK?
It'll be all right.
Mm, yeah.
- I love you.
- I love you, too.
- What's happened?
- What do you mean?
Why are you home?
What's happened?
It's Thursday, my half day.
Same as it's been every Thursday
for the past ten months.
- Oh, yes, I know that.
- Are you OK?
Yeah, Maggie Cole was in earlier.
Was she?
Oh, God, What have you done now?
I'm on Nan visiting duty again.
Yeah?
Tell you what, Why don't we swap?
You go down the boatyard and do some
manual labour for once in your life
and I'll go and drink tea with our nan.
Hey, Alex
how come you haven't spoken
to your girlfriend since the whole paper thing,
even though you told Mum that you have?
- I've been busy.
- Aw. Your little sailor friends
- been taking the piss, have they?
- Yeah, they have.
About the fact my little brother's
a drugged-up, work-shy, waste of space.
Is that right?
Well, you tell 'em from me
they've got nothing to worry about there
cos I've got plans.
- Oh, you've got plans, have you?
- Yeah, I have.
(He sighs)
Hand these out
at your little gambling meetings, do they?
It must help.
I mean, you've been clean for years now.
I mean, I know you have
cos you told Mum that, too.
Liam, are you ready?
There you are, come on,
we've got to get going.
Ah, well, enjoy your manual labour.
- Are you all right, Alex?
- Yeah, I'm fine, Mum.
Oh.
All right, Alex?
- Just picking up my final cheque.
- As if you need it.
Congratulations, by the way.
Cheers, yeah.
How's Roxy?
We've got her Josh-sitting this weekend.
Me and Kelly are off to Blackpool
for our anniversary.
Blackpool You win a million quid
and you're going to Blackpool?
It wasn't a million.
Just under 100 grand, really.
You shouldn't believe everything
you read in the papers, mate.
Everyone in the village
has stopped buying tickets now.
They think us winning
has stacked the odds against them.
Well
Odds don't work that way.
No?
You'd be surprised
how fast you can burn through money.
I'll probably be begging for my job back
in a couple of weeks.
ALEX: I had it.
- Did ya?
- Some
Someone took it.
Did they?
I'm telling you the truth.
Look, I'll sort it, I'll just
Just give me a couple more days.
24 hours.
Anyway, see you around, mate.
(Text message alert)
(Telephone rings)
Thurlbury Historic
- Keep.
- MAN: Oh, hello,
I was wondering,
do you allow dogs (here?
- I've got this miniature schnauzer and
- Er, can I call you back?
Hi, Maggie, are you busy?
(Telephone rings)
(Maggie sighs)
Do you need to get that?
No, it's just that man
with his miniature schnauzer again.
- His What?
- Oh, don't worry about it.
He'll give up in a sec.
- (Telephone stops ringing)
- There, see?
- There's biscuits.
- I'm fine.
I've heard the news, of course.
Congratulations.
Sorry?
Oh, God, yes!
- Thank you, yes, thanks.
- Jill told me.
She also said you were at school
the other day looking for me.
Yes, I was hoping to be able
to talk to you after, you know
- And I went to the shop this morning to
- I know.
Well, I'm here now.
Yeah.
Erm, I just keep saying the same thing
to everybody, to all of you,
that it was out of context.
I mean, I've said it so many times
it's become a mantra.
But, really, it's just an excuse,
because how could it sound any better,
even in context?
Well, you tell me, What was the context?
Er, me
tipsy
showing off.
- Probably not, then, no.
- No.
But then that wasn't the context, was it?
No, the context was you repeating
what you'd heard.
You think I hadn't heard it, too?
You think I haven't heard it all my life,
ever since I turned, What, 14, 15?
Admittedly, never on the radio before.
That was certainly a new one.
But the looks I got the day after the broadcast
were the same looks I got the day before it.
A small community, isn't it?
Rumours start when you're too young
and too insecure to stop them.
Then that's it, you live with them.
Did you believe them or were you just
saying them because they were there?
I don't know.
Honest, thank you.
- Roxanna
- No, no, I mean it.
Well, for the record,
I've only ever had two boyfriends.
Two?!
Sorry, I didn't mean
I wasn't saying that in surprise.
No, actually, I was saying that in surprise.
Because, I mean,
have you ever seen you?
- No, I haven't.
- Oh, I've
- I've said the wrong thing again, haven't I?
- That's OK.
You haven't broadcast it this time.
Have you?
I wish.
I wish I could broadcast
all of these apologies.
Or at least my rubbish attempts at them.
Roxanna, you do know
that none of this was because?
- Because you're
- Because I'm?
Polish.
Oh, that.
They're staying another night,
I've updated the register.
Right. What do they actually develop,
these developers?
I don't know.
They don't seem to be doing much of it,
Whatever it is.
(Telephone rings)
The Conqueror.
That's right.
He is, yeah.
Who's calling, please?
Right.
Well, in that case, do you mind
if I give you a quote myself you can use?
Piss off!
(Room falls silent)
Mum.
"The werewolf stepped towards him,
its huge, muscular hairy legs"
Miss! Miss!
".. Looking ridiculous beneath
the bright blue stockings."
Can I have one?
Balloon?
No, no, they're for the anniversary
celebrations this weekend, but
as long as you come,
I'll make sure you get one, OK, Emma?
-All right?
-3c
Would you all like to tell Miss Wheadon
what we listen with during story time?
ALL: Our ears.
And what don't we listen with?
ALL: Our mouths.
We don't listen with our mouths,
Miss Wheadon.
Sorry, Mr Cole.
Sorry, 30.
(Children laugh)
ROXANNA: That wasn't aimed at you
this morning, by the way,
What my dad said.
Well, obviously, it was, but
it's a lot more generalised than you think,
if that helps.
He's always had this bee in his bonnet
about us being viewed as outsiders here.
And every now and then that bee gets out
and stings someone.
Well, why would he ever think that?
Everyone loves Emil.
I don't think I've ever heard
a bad word said against him.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Then maybe he's got a point.
You see, don't get me wrong,
I love him to bits,
but he is a right miserable old sod.
He's blunt, opinionated,
bad-tempered, tight with money, sarcastic.
And I don't mean behind closed doors, either.
I mean, openly,
from behind the counter to customers.
And you've never heard a bad word
said against him?
- No.
- And what does that tell you?
Dad always talks about
how welcome everyone made us feel
when we first moved here.
The problem for him is that was 12 years ago,
they're still doing it.
Do you know how many people we had
coming in the day after the referendum,
sympathetically telling him
how sorry they were and how they voted no?
Well, I voted no, obviously.
I mean, I'm not trying
- He voted yes!
- What?
Oh, it gets worse.
- He votes Tory, too.
- But he
See how easy it is?
Yeah.
I have lived with rumours all my life.
He's lived with this.
And you poor sods
have to live with both of us.
I am so sorry, Roxanna.
I know.
And to be honest, I didn't come here for that.
I came here
because of what dad said to you.
Not to apologise for it,
but maybe to try and explain it.
Put it into context, as it were.
Well, thank you.
Me and Alex used to come here
when we first started seeing each other.
Did you?
I don't remember ever seeing you here.
Well, we came in the evening.
But it's not open to the public in the evening.
Oh, right,
I must be thinking of somewhere else.
Ah
on you eat Hula Hoops?
Because I used to find
loads of empty packets everywhere.
I suppose I should let that slide,
under the circumstances.
- Probably.
- Right.
You know I did get one thing out of all this,
don't you?
I found out how little I must matter to him.
What do you mean?
I mean,
he hasn't even been in touch with me once
since this whole thing started.
Oh, Roxanna, that whole family
has had a hard time of it lately.
I'm sure it's
It takes two seconds to send a text.
Even that would've done it.
Just a text.
Now, every time this thing beeps,
I jump thinking it might be him.
But it never is.
Well, I'm waiting for the same thing myself.
Not from Alex, you understand.
- You've got nothing to worry about there.
- Who, then?
Jill.
I hurt my best friend.
And for what?
To impress some twit of a reporter
and feel important for half an hour.
I love her and I miss her.
And whether I deserve it or not,
just to hear one beep on my phone
and see her name come up on that screen
would be, you know
Right, then.
You've made all the effort to come up here.
The least I can do is run you home.
- I hope you like Duran Duran.
- I've never heard of them.
-What?
- Must be one of those
- POLISH ACCENT: ..British bands.
- Oh, you, honestly!
(Car stereo thumps)
- Where are you going?
- In there with you.
I thought I might ask for a job.
What? You're always saying
I need to get another job.
Yeah, I'm pretty sure I never said another.
Since flogging weed
never really qualified in my book.
Fills my wallet, don't it?
What, the one with your name
sewn on the front?
That was a present.
Anyway, look, you can swing it with him,
you can get me in.
I would do anything, you know?
No questions asked.
(She laughs)
Come on, then.
At least it'll be funny, if nothing else.
- Hey.
- Are you all right?
All right, mate?
Hello.
My boyfriend was wondering
if you had any jobs going.
He said he'd do anything,
no questions asked.
- What?
- That's right.
Syd will vouch for us.
Yeah, I'm not gonna vouch for him.
I mean, I certainly wouldn't let him
near the pumps or the till.
But, er, didn't you say you were after
a pot scrubber for the weekends?
Pot?
Plates and glasses, Liam.
It's how I started.
Yeah.
You were 14 and
Oh, he's basically 14.
(He sighs)
Fine.
Lunchtime, Saturday, Sunday.
Yeah, all right!
Today's Thursday, Liam.
Yeah.
I know it is.
- I'll pick you up later, then.
- Yep.
Have a good one.
Thanks for that, mate.
Cheers.
NHL". It wasn't a million.
Just under a 100 grand, really.
You shouldn't believe everything
you read in the papers.
JENNY: Not one word of any of (his is true.
You know that, don't you?
DURAN DURAN ON CAR STEREO: I Dark in the city, night is a wire
I Steam in the subway, earth is afire
I Do do do do do do do do-do I
Thanks.
Are you coming in?
Er, I wasn't planning on it, no.
I'm kind of gonna have to insist.
I'm really gonna need that bee back in his
bonnet by tonight, and I think you can help.
- How?
- By saying all the wrong things.
- Hi, Dad.
- Oh, hello, darling.
Oh
Maggie has apologised
and I have accepted.
Yes, I'd like to apologise to you, too, Emil.
I'm aware that I've hurt you
as much as her.
And I'm never gonna stop trying
to make it up to you.
To both of you.
And there is something else
that I'd like to say, too.
Something that I should've said
a long, long time ago.
OK.
Your biscuits
are twice the price
they are in Sainsbury's.
And it's not as if we don't all know that you
pay exactly the same for them wholesale.
Just as we all know fully well
that you always put a couple of barely
in-date milk cartons at the front of the fridge
in amongst all the fresh ones.
And this morning, I accidentally picked up
a magazine about serial killers.
I mean, it's not as if
I'm the tallest person in the world, is it?
So, if I can reach that, then
Oh, you've sold it.
I mean, what are you doing
selling something like that, anyway?
- Yeah, well, people like
- And another thing.
Have you ever thought
of service with a smile?
I mean, you know, try it at least.
Speaking of which,
why have you still got that silly moustache?
Well, I'm growing it, aren't I, for charity?
You know, Movember.
- In fact, it was you who made me do it.
- Well, that was months ago.
Please, shave it off immediately,
because it doesn't suit you at all.
(Text message alert)
Is it?
Yeah.
Excuse me.
Now, where were we?
Six first class stamps, wasn't it?
Please.
Oh, we've only got 12.
Mm-hm.
And I suppose they're twice as expensive,
are they?
I'm afraid so.
(He sighs)
PETER: So, it's all right, then?
- All sorted?
- MAGGIE: All sorted.
I should never have bothered you
with it at work, I'm sorry about that.
No, no, it's fine.
So, I can actually go back
in the shop again now, can I?
Absolutely.
Just don't discuss politics.
- Why?
- Actually, no, do discuss politics.
- He'd like that.
- (Text message alert)
And you know, we ought to head back now,
if we're gonna make the planning meeting.
- I thought you said we weren't going to that.
- Well, I've changed my mind.
Today was a good day, after all.
Just like you said.
So, I think that we should go.
I mean, we're not gonna talk,
we're not gonna ask questions,
we're just gonna stand at the back
and show that we're OK.
Show that everything is OK.
- And so when did you decide all this?
- Five minutes ago.
Hi, Jamie, it's Mum.
What?
I thought you said you didn't want to go.
Mum's changed her mind.
She said she wants us to go
to this village hall thing,
the whole family.
Tell her I'm pregnant.
- She knows you're pregnant.
- Well, remind her.
Beck says to remind you
that she's pregnant.
Well, she's not that pregnant.
She says to tell you
that you're not that pregnant.
She said What?
Give
Give it to me.
You go and unlock the car.
- Jamie, it's your dad.
- Hey, Dad.
So, everything all right with you?
Yeah, Why?
No, no, no, no, no reason,
just checking.
- Just asking.
- Are you OK?
Yeah.
Yeah, no, I'm fine. Fine.
Right, listen, Jamie
about tonight
Right.
Mm.
Dad says he thinks
that we should go tonight.
He says
Mum's in a particularly good mood.
Apparently, she's just found out
she's not racist.
Well, there's not much
you can say to that, is there?
Not really.
We'll see you there.
Erm, I thought you said we were in a hurry.
Yeah.
"We don't want to end up
making a big entrance,” you said.
Yeah, we are, and I don't.
- Still got to look nice, though, haven't I?
- Mm.
I also thought you said that we'd
sit at the back where nobody would see us.
Well, yes, but somebody might see us
driving along, or in the car park.
And I am doing this for you, Peter.
We're going to be out in public
and I know how much you like to be seen
out with a dolly bird on your arm.
A dolly bird?
What, are you saying I'm not a dolly bird?
I
I don't know how to answer that question.
Yes, you are a dolly bird.
That is the right answer.
Today, anyway.
Obviously, on any other day, it would be
sexist and demeaning and rather icky.
Yeah, obviously.
I mean, look, maybe I do want to look good.
After everything that's happened,
maybe I do want people to see me and think,
"Well, she looks well and happy,”
because I am well and happy.
You know, the winds are changing, Peter,
at last.
Look, there's Kelly and Carol and Roxanna
have forgiven me.
And I'm not a racist.
And I'm going to be a grandma.
And I'm allowed back in the shop.
Ha-ha!
Obviously, the grandmother one
is the most important of those,
- that should've been at the end of the list.
- No, it's OK, I know what you mean.
- Things do seem to be looking up.
- Exactly.
Right, well
I'll leave you to it, then.
Presumably,
you're gonna change into a suit and tie.
A suit and tie?
I don't even wear a suit and tie
to work half the
Oh
You
You really are feeling a lot better,
aren't you?
New ream am.
- Gm.
Jesus, it's like The Wicker Man,
Hi.
Hey!
Oh, sorry, were you going in for a kiss then?
Well, son of.
Just a hello peck son of thing.
- Don't worry.
- Sorry.
- Do it now, if you want.
- Erm
No, it's OK.
Hello.
Hello.
So, are you OK?
What are you actually going to do?
- Is it like a speech or?
- Oh, no.
No, it's more of an open Q and A
and suggestions.
Most of which I'll write down
and then ignore.
I've kind of been arranging things
these last couple days, anyway, in secret.
Oh, that's nice.
Did you let the kids decorate that for you?
Oh, no.
No, this is, erm
Maggie's.
Oh.
She's not coming, is she?
- I highly doubt it.
- I had some journalist call me earlier
- asking if I had any stories about her.
-Yeah, me, too.
Well, that makes sense,
you've probably got loads.
Mm, yeah, one or two.
Hey, you're not really nervous, are you?
No.
Well, yeah.
A little tip.
Just imagine the audience naked.
- Great, thanks for that.
- Sorry.
- I'm not doing very well here, am I?
- No, not really.
But in a funny kind of way,
that makes me feel better, too.
Good.
I'm pleased my inherent social awkwardness
- helps put yours in perspective a bit.
- I will have that kiss now, please.
Hm.
You're gonna be fine.
Start with a joke, end on a song.
- Never heard me sing, have you?
- No.
Although I have heard some of your jokes.
And do you know what?
Scratch that advice, too.
Go on, grab a seat in the mesh pit.
Let's get this over with.
All right?
(Phone rings)
- Hi.
- Hi, Rex.
So, We been
I've been at work all day,
else I would've phoned, not texted, but
I miss you, too.
But this phone cell's
been a long time in coming.
I know, I know.
I'm semi, I just
This last week's just been
I've had a lot on my mind.
You've had a lot on your mind?
Are you there?
Yeah, yeah.
You sound weird.
Has something happened?
Oh, it's just family stuff.
I'll explain it to you, I will.
I'll tell you even/thing, I just
Roxy
I want to see you.
I want to make it up to you.
I was thinking maybe tomorrow night
we could
Yeah.
Well, I can't tomorrow.
It's Neil and Kelly's anniversary
this weekend.
I'm staying there, taking care of Josh.
Maybe I could come over,
bring a pizza and a kid-friendly DVD
and keep you company.
Please
Please, Roxy, just give me a chance.
I'll have to check they're OK with it.
Is that a yes?
It's a maybe.
I like those odds.
You're that writer.
Er, yes.
You write them books.
I do, yes.
Never read 'em, not my thing.
You know who I like?
That Martina Cole.
And that, erm
Stephen King.
Do you know 'em?
Yes, actually, we all live together.
What?
Erm, hello.
Hi, even/one.
Er, thank you for coming
and welcome to the, erm
I guess, er, delayed meet for
the anniversary celebrations this weekend.
(News alert beep)
Erm
- I suppose I should just start by, erm
- (News alert beeps)
giving you the rundown
on what's already planned and, er
- then we can take it from there.
- (Everyone starts talking)
Erm
Yeah.
Excuse me?
Hello!
It looks busy.
- It sounds busy.
- Yeah.
- (Phone rings)
- Oh, hang on, hang on.
It's Karen.
Karen?
What's she doing ringing you out of hours?
Well, I don't know, do I?
I have to answer it first.
- Oh
- Should I answer it?
No, please, don't answer it.
In fact, can you put it on silent?
We don't want it ringing in there.
We're listening with our ears,
not our mouths.
Sorry, teacher humour there.
Seriously, though, everyone,
I don't have a microphone here,
so, if you
(Everyone continues talking)
- We don't have to go.
- Oh, don't be silly, of course we're going.
We're gonna stand at the back,
nobody will even know we're there.
- (Phone buzzes)
- You're vibrating.
Yeah, well, I'm nervous.
(Loud chatter)
(Hall falls silent)
No, don't mind us, we're just here
But that
This is
None of this is true!
The Whole thing.
This is completely the
Peter, tell them!
I think we should go.
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to
Peter?
Peter!
Sorry we're late.
Oh, yeah,
I do hope we haven't missed anything.
That would be awful.
What's wrong?
- Mum, are you all right?
- Jamie
It's not true, is it?
It's not true?
Dad?
(He sighs)
And all this time, you and him
with this secret between you.
It's Maggie we're talking about.
Trust me, those apron strings
are made of steel cable.
I should know, I've been trying
to saw through them for years.
- I'm going to go away.
- Where are you going?
Maggie's having a night way.
But apparently there's a vegetable lasagne
in the fridge, so
I could get us fish and chips.
You should be able to eat what you want,
when you want.
Well, the truth is,
I'm not the person you think I am at all.
So, have they got it all
secretly stashed away,
locked up inside a special safe
hidden behind a painting?
Kelly, Alex is here. He says that money
you found, he says it was his.
- Mummy?
- Josh?
Where is my money, Kelly?!