The Vicar of Dibley (1994) s01e04 Episode Script
The Window and the Weather
That wasn't the Great Storm.
Pretty damn great! The greatest storm was the one when old Harold got blown into the quarry.
Oh, that.
The Great Wind.
The what? The Great Storm there's got to be rain, but in the Great Wind there was just wind.
Nasty night! It reminds me of the Great Storm.
Shut up! Shut up! Right.
Let's get this over and done with, shall we? I have apologies from Hugo and the vicar.
Firstly, we've been asked to give to the South American Earthquake Appeal.
.
.
£10? It's not much! Hundreds of kids starving, and we can only spare a tenner.
What did you have in mind? I dunno.
£11? Done! THUNDER It's OK, "Red sky at night - shepherd's delight.
" More usually, "Red sky at night - thatched cottage on fire at end of village.
" I love this kind of weather! Do you remember the Great Snow? Oh, yes! Froze your balls off! Poor old Gladys.
What about her? She died, didn't she, in the Great Snow? Froze to death one Friday.
No.
No, no, no, no, no.
That was the Great Frost! It were the Bottle twins, Mabel and Edith, that froze to death in the Great Snow of '54.
Rubbish! The Bottles died in the Great Freeze of '48.
And I'm about to die in the Great Bore of '94! THUNDER How exciting! It's just like the Great Eclipse of '53.
Shut up! KNOCKING Hello.
I came to see if you were OK - not scared by the lightning.
No.
Thanks, Alice, I'm not.
Neither am I.
A-a-a-a-a-h! Sorry.
I AM a bit.
Come in.
Sorry.
Do you remember, in the Sound of Music, when Julie Andrews was scared she sang about her favourite things? Ye-e-es.
Can we do that? Do you want the short answer or the long answer? Both, please.
The short answer's "no".
The long answer's "n-o-o-o-o"! A-a-a-ah! All right.
All right.
We'll do it.
Do you know the words? I never forget the words of songs.
Well, off you go.
Would you count me in, please? Thanks.
# Snowdrops on roses and noses on kittens # Da da di da da da da da da da da mittens # Tum titty tum titty tum titty tings # These are a few of my favourite things # When the bird # Nearly remembered all the words! It's worked.
We're not scared.
No, we're not.
A-ah! A-a-a-a-ah! For crying out loud, Hugo! Just checking everyone's fine.
We were singing a tune to stop us getting scared.
Fab! I know a lovely song my mum sang to me when it got stormy.
Oh, well, fire away, O handsome troubadour.
Oh, well, I'm a bit rusty, but Go on! Here goes! Ahem! # When it's cold and stormy and you're feeling a little sick # Cuddle up nice and warmy and play with your little dick.
# Yes.
Well, that's very comforting, isn't it? Yes.
Come to think of it, I'm not sure it was my mum taught me that.
It might have been a bloke at school.
MORE THUNDER Alice! Get off me! Sorry.
Sorry.
Good Lord, what a mess! Oh, dear! I hate graves! Must be so wet down there.
I'm gonna get burnt and go in a pot, sit on my mum's mantelpiece.
Then one day I'll fall off on purpose, scare her to death.
She can get burnt and go in a pot on the mantelpiece.
Nice - two pots.
Not too much damage.
Thank you, God.
Dibley must be in favour at the moment.
TINKLE OF FALLING GLASS Or not! Meeting open.
Now, damage after the Great Storm.
Do you want to call it the Great Storm, cos there was one in '66? All right.
The Quite Great Storm.
How about the "Big"? For goodness sake! Over to you, Vicar.
As you know, our window was smashed by a tree in the storm with no name.
Do we replace it with the same image, OR do we go for something a bit more modern and exciting? Like this Chagall window here.
ALL: Oh, yes.
I like the old one.
Me too.
Yes, you're right - arty-farty, Froggie nonsense.
So, another traditional rendition of Jesus feeding the 5,000? Right.
No, no.
I don't think it was Jesus.
It were too fat for Jesus.
Not Jesus? I think it was Moses.
Moses and the feeding of the 5,000 does have a slightly odd ring to it.
It wasn't Moses.
Moses had a beard.
So, not Jesus.
Not Moses.
Anyone got ANY idea who our mystery man was? St Barnabus - as we're in the CHURCH of St Barnabus.
Logical.
There was a chap with a beard in the background holding a big lump of stone.
Moses carrying the Commandments for St Barnabus.
I'm not sure that Moses of Egypt and St Barnabus of Wolverhampton were the BEST of friends.
But if it wasn't Moses, why was he holding the Ten Commandments? Perhaps it wasn't! Perhaps it was just a big book! So, where are we? We've got St Barnabus and a mysterious chap holding a big book.
Could it be that we have here the first depiction in stained glass of This is Your Life(?) Perhaps the bloke with the book was a librarian.
A librarian?! Yes.
And St Barnabus went into the library in Wolverhampton to borrow a holy book.
Well, if it was a library, why were there 5,000 people in it? I never thought they were people.
Sorry, Jim? I always thought they were sheep.
Jesus and the feeding of the 5,000 sheep.
But I thought we've agreed it wasn't Jesus.
It was St Barnabus and the librarian.
Pretty bloody odd library with 5,000 sheep in it! All right! Hold it there.
We're on the outskirts of Loony Land here, heading for city centre.
We should find old pictures of the window.
I might actually have one on me here.
Oh? Excellent.
Problem solved.
Here we go.
There.
This is a picture of your dog, Jim.
No, no, no, no.
That's right.
But But he was standing outside the church.
And I thought perhaps you might see the window in the reflection in his eye.
I've had a thought - the old Book of Minutes has the entry from when the window was actually built.
Worth a try! And you'll find it depicted Jesus delivering the Sermon on the Mount.
Absolutely! From a boat.
I beg your pardon? Jesus was standing in a boat.
It could have been a boat-shaped cigar.
We've hit Loony Land city centre! Well, to cut a long story short, I finally found the old Book of Minutes.
And there was a drawing by the original artist of our north window, and its beautiful portrayal of NOAH'S ARK.
THEY GROAN Noah's Ark? Right! So the man in the front was Noah?! Right! The 5,000 were animals? Yes! And the man with the beard? A llama.
Imagine Moses looking like a llama! No wonder everybody took such notice of him.
Well, bravo, Frank! Unfortunately, I have some rather bad news.
The last time I heard that, Vicar, it was the end of real teeth.
I have spent the week investigating the prices of stained glass.
And the lowest quote we had was £11,000.
Bugger me! You could get someone killed for that! I'm afraid that that puts us in an impossible situation.
Minute that Dibley can't afford a new window.
"Can't" isn't in the Christian vocabulary.
It is! You CAN'T commit adultery.
You CAN'T steal.
And you can't even covet your neighbour's ass.
Even if it is very alluring.
I MEAN we can achieve anything we want.
They said to Jesus, "You can't walk on water - your dress'll get wet.
" But he did! They said to Rolf Harris, "You can't do Stairway to Heaven" - but he did! And very successfully, in my opinion.
That's all very well, but have you any idea how to raise £11,000? Well, no.
But we're not going to stick a stupid thermometer outside the church for 100 years, adding a nanometre of red felt-tip every time somebody gives us 2½p.
I want our church to be a CHURCH, not a church-shaped begging bowl.
I want Princess Anne to knock on my door and say, "I've dumped Tim Lawrence.
I'm all yours, big boy.
" But it's NOT going to happen, is it? Well.
Enough of this.
If you will excuse me, some of us have some work to do.
Thank you.
Whoo-oo! Whoo! Who-oo-oo! Ho-ho-ho.
Princess Anne, eh? Who'd have thought it?! She looked lovely on her wedding day.
Everyone looks lovely then.
I bet even Margaret Beckett looked sexy.
I rather fancy Margaret Beckett.
Wha-hey! Shoo-shoo-shush, boys! Any idea how we're going to raise this money? A lottery is the answer.
Tickets costing £5 - a lawnmower to the winner.
Great! Other ideas? I could finally yield to public demand and write my recipe book - One Hundred Exciting Things to do with Root Vegetables.
KNOCKING Vicar, I have had a rather brilliant thought.
Really(?) I've got this piggy bank.
My dad used to put all his money in it.
He said when I grew up I could buy a castle.
Was your dad known for telling the truth? Yeah.
My mum knew all about his kids in the other villages.
KNOCKING Hello.
I've had a fantastic thought.
This is like Ancient Greece at the birth of Philosophy(!) We know Richard Branson, and maybe he could sponsor the window.
Ah He looks like Jesus - bearded.
Yes.
He runs Virgin and Jesus's mum was Hello, Hugo.
Hello.
Nice piggy bank.
How much does it add up to? Excluding everything that isn't legal tender - a farthing! A farthing.
Oh, right.
So quite a way to go, then? Ye-es.
But don't worry, Hugo's had his excellent idea.
Red-letter day! His father must know millions of millionaires dying for a short cut to heaven.
David.
It's the Vicster here.
Hi.
Could you give me the names of five of your richest friends? We could squeeze 'em for the window money.
It is a ridiculous and - may I say? - a VERY immature idea.
Thank you.
What a kind and supportive man(!) What did he say? He's busy at the moment and could YOU give me the numbers? Right.
Well, I suppose Lord Hanson Very sexy.
Hello, Geraldine Granger.
Could I speak to Charles Kane, please? Ah, Mr Kane.
Geraldine Granger here.
I'm the vicar of St Barnabus Church.
We were wondering if you'd like to donate money for our new window.
We're looking for £11,000 and if Sorry? I can stick it up my where, sorry? Up my jacksie.
Excellent(!) Bless you.
Look, I'm gonna have to fib a bit.
But bear with me - it's for a very good cause.
Hello.
Er, could I speak to Mr Frobisher, please? Daniel.
Hi.
Gerry Granger here, erDibley Investments.
Um, you won't have heard of us.
We're pretty new kids on the block.
Would you be interested in an investment portfolio we're putting together? Dibley, Oxfordshire? Yes, actually.
I'm the vi the village postmistress's daughter.
A friend of mine lives nearby - Hairless Horton.
Said they had a woman vicar.
I heard that too.
My mother says she's fantastic.
Pretty cute too.
An all-round bodacious babe.
David says she's a bloody nightmare.
.
.
Yeah.
Probably fancies her.
Interesting thought - she might be a virgin.
I doubt it.
I know a vicar who was the best kisser in Cheltenham.
Really? Oh, yes.
Her tongue is in the Home Counties Gymnastics Team.
She can scramble eggs at 20 paces.
We're digressing.
Tell me about your investment opportunity.
I can't forget that tongue! Can you give me any sense of the range of your portfolio - your bonds, stocks, gilts, peps? Ah, yeah, I've got loads of those.
Look, why don't we talk about it over lunch? OK, I'll give you an hour.
Thursday lunch? Yeah, I think I can find a window.
Bye.
Oh, boys! I think I HAVE found a window! Do you want to buy a lottery ticket for the new church window? Only a fiver.
What's the prize? Lawnmower.
Got one.
What do you fancy, then? A washing machine.
Got one of those as well.
I'll take two tickets, then.
God bless you.
Good luck.
But we haven't got a washing machine.
No, but then he's not going to win, is he?! Very worthy cause, though.
PHONE RINGS Daniel here.
Piers, I'll ring you back.
I've a young lady visiting me.
Don't be disgusting.
I'll ring you.
Mr Frobisher.
Hello Vicar.
Fantastic office.
It's a bugger to park round here, though.
Yes.
Um You don't often get members of the clergy heading financial institutions.
No.
I fibbed about that.
Bad! Particularly bad for a priest.
So what do you want, em? What do I call you? Gerry's fine.
Could we talk about it over lunch? Must be a long time since you took a potential VIRGIN out for a meal.
Christ, I'm sorry.
"Christ" - that's a £1,000 fine! Jesus! £2,500! God, I'm £3,000.
You didn't say "knob".
No, I didn't say "knob".
Said "knob" - unbelievable! That's another £5,000.
Come on.
Come and see our church.
And then I said to them, "I don't care what you say.
This my field.
" And they didn't take to it kindly.
BUT, finally, after a pretty fiery exchange of views, they moved on.
Thank you, Jim, for that report.
If you have any more trouble with those sheep DO tell us.
Now, the window.
How are we doing? The lottery has come up with £1,000.
Bravo! I've been delighted with the level of unquestioning generosity shown, especially as the prize is now only a tea strainer.
Splendid.
Any other news? I've started my recipe book.
The radish jam is a particular success.
I bet(!) Anything else? Well I've got £10,000.
I beg your pardon?! So we can start work on our window instantly.
ALL: Hooray! Bravo! It's very kind of Miss Tinker to let me disturb your art class.
I must say, I love your papier-mache volcano.
It's St Paul's Cathedral, actually.
Right, right.
We're going to have a new window in the church showing Noah's Ark.
I thought I'd ask you what animals you'd most like to be in it.
Good! .
.
George.
A velociraptor, Miss.
That's from Jurassic Park, isn't it? Yes, Miss.
I'm not sure about that, but maybe.
Any others? .
.
Yes? A Tyrannosaurus Rex, Miss.
Right.
Hands up for any animals NOT featured in Jurassic Park.
Like a lion, for instance.
Football hooligan, Miss.
Sorry? My dad says they are ALL animals.
What about birds? Any birds? Samantha Fox, Miss.
My dad says she's a sexy bird and he'd like to give her one.
Mine too.
And mine.
My dad would like to give you one, Miss! George! Shush! Who is your dad? KNOCKING AT FRONT DOOR It's open! Hello, Vicar.
Hello, Hugo.
How's the window design going? I've some animal suggestions.
Good.
I'm watching the news, but sit down.
Oh, yes, frightfully important the news.
Must know what's going on.
Don't want Maggie Thatcher resigning and me never getting wind of it.
You ARE joking, Hugo? Of course.
Hugo She'll never resign.
They'll have to stab her in the back.
.
.
Here we go.
'Another Colombian earthquake.
Some of the pictures may cause distress.
'It's hard to believe that things could be worse than last time, 'but this line of bodies pulled out of a school tells its own tale.
'Little Maria has lost her sister.
' I'm sorry, Hugo.
God, how embarrassing! I'm such a cry-baby.
I cry at anything and everything.
Oh, don't mind me.
I'm the most frightful blubber too.
At school they called me Blubber-box.
That and Farty-pants.
This is just dreadful, isn't it? Just wish one could help more.
I gave money to Band Aid, and all that.
Bob Hope - excellent bloke.
Look, I'll leave you to it.
I vote for a velociraptor.
Fine specimens.
Thanks.
A much valued contribution(!) Live long and prosper! OK.
'For donations to the appeal, you'll be given the address to write to at the end of this bulletin.
' It's to be set in Jurassic Park.
How exciting! I was told, on the underground grapevine, the female figure is modelled on Samantha Fox.
O-h-h.
That'll be nice.
Will she be topless? I suppose she may be.
Anything to save money.
Mmm.
HUM OF ANTICIPATION Mmm - seven o'clock.
Right.
Well, here goes! Ladies and gentlemen, welcome.
We're very lucky to have with us today our wonderful benefactor, who gave us the remaining £10,000 for our window.
He's said any money we didn't spend can go to the earthquake appeal.
Bravo! Jolly decent! Yes! So, the moment has arrived.
Daniel, if you'd like to unveil it.
Certainly.
But first I'd like to congratulate you on your new vicar.
I'm a man from whom it's difficult to extract money.
Hear! hear! My wallet has a burglar alarm on it.
So, now I am delighted to unveil the new window of the Church of St Barnabus, Dibley.
You can see right through it.
Lovely sunset.
Bugger me! MRS CROPLEY: It's turned into rather a nice evening! It's beautiful.
How much did it cost? About £500.
Nice work, Spock.
Well, I felt that if I spent ALL the £11,000 on it, every time I looked at it all I'd see is those earthquake children.
What do you think of it, David? Very beautiful! I've always thought it the finest view in the village.
Good decision.
Bloody marvellous! When it comes to it, you can't beat God's own creation, can you? Mrs C, did you like the window? Oh, yes! The sales of the turnip biscuits were a little disappointing.
But you use the 13p for whatever you think fit, my dear.
Bless you.
WHISPERED COMMEN Oh, pity! That's another £1,000, I'm afraid.
Good news, all - the Christmas outing's on again! Thanks to Daniel.
# Goo-oodness and mercy # Shall follow me # All the days of my life # And I will dwell in the house of the Lo-o-ord # For ever # For ever.
# Right, I've got one for you, today.
O-Oh, fab! It's very funny Knock, knock.
Who's there? Ronnie.
Ronnie who? Ronnie Barker.
SHE CHORTLES It would be funny if Ronnie Barker came to your door, wouldn't it? You don't quite know how these jokes work.
I've a better one.
Right.
Knock, knock.
Who's there? Billy.
Billy Connolly, would it be? Ye-e-es! You've heard it! Isn't it funny? No.
I've got hundreds more.
.
.
Knock, knock.
Who the hell is it this time? Groucho.
It's going to be a very long night.
Dark chocolate and vanilla-flavour ice cream.
Smooth chocolate sauce and chocolate pieces.
Ooh, Chocolate Inspiration! (man) I am my mother, Una, and my sisters, Heather and Hannah.
I am my grandfather, who gave me a heavy bike one Christmas, and the neighbour who took the stabilisers off.
I am my friend Bobby who helped me through my training and the schoolkids from Dundee who raised money for my trip.
I am Mark Beaumont, and this year I broke the round-the-world cycling record.
I am who I am because of everyone.
I go to the dentist probably every six months.
I've had sensitive teeth for as long as I can remember.
If I bit into an ice lolly, I kind of had to do it in stages.
I probably looked like a hamster or something, nibbling away.
I'd heard of Sensodyne before, but I thought that it was perhaps for older people.
It's important to have it in the house all the time because I know what it's like when I don't use Sensodyne.
It's up there with the lip gloss and the mascara! Take the Mouth Match Challenge at: So let me get this straight.
If I haven't claimed on my car insurance in three years Oh, yes? .
.
you'll actually guarantee me a lower price than my current insurance company? Oh, yes! And you're sure about that, are you? Oh, yes! Ahem! Oh, yeah! Come on, Britain! For great car insurance prices, challenge Churchill at: or call: Oh, yes! Hello.
Hello.
Love the dress.
Well, Nigel bought it me.
Come on in.
Thanks.
Less Than Half Price on Branston baked beans is just one of hundreds of new offers at Somerfield this week And it's "Buy 1 Get 1 Free" on Walker's crisps, too BEEP Lovely dress.
Special occasion? Yes.
He's cooking.
No one torture-tests clothes like kids do, and these little monkeys are even hiding stains.
Oh, kids! You need new Vanish Oxi Action Intelligence.
One scoop in every wash could StainInsure your laundry.
- Prove it.
- Watch this.
Intelligent stain seekers search out and help remove the toughest stains, even those you might not have spotted.
- See? - Wow, that's incredible! (sighs) You can't hide anything from Mum now.
# The Lord is my Shepherd I shall not want # He maketh me To lie down in green pastures
Pretty damn great! The greatest storm was the one when old Harold got blown into the quarry.
Oh, that.
The Great Wind.
The what? The Great Storm there's got to be rain, but in the Great Wind there was just wind.
Nasty night! It reminds me of the Great Storm.
Shut up! Shut up! Right.
Let's get this over and done with, shall we? I have apologies from Hugo and the vicar.
Firstly, we've been asked to give to the South American Earthquake Appeal.
.
.
£10? It's not much! Hundreds of kids starving, and we can only spare a tenner.
What did you have in mind? I dunno.
£11? Done! THUNDER It's OK, "Red sky at night - shepherd's delight.
" More usually, "Red sky at night - thatched cottage on fire at end of village.
" I love this kind of weather! Do you remember the Great Snow? Oh, yes! Froze your balls off! Poor old Gladys.
What about her? She died, didn't she, in the Great Snow? Froze to death one Friday.
No.
No, no, no, no, no.
That was the Great Frost! It were the Bottle twins, Mabel and Edith, that froze to death in the Great Snow of '54.
Rubbish! The Bottles died in the Great Freeze of '48.
And I'm about to die in the Great Bore of '94! THUNDER How exciting! It's just like the Great Eclipse of '53.
Shut up! KNOCKING Hello.
I came to see if you were OK - not scared by the lightning.
No.
Thanks, Alice, I'm not.
Neither am I.
A-a-a-a-a-h! Sorry.
I AM a bit.
Come in.
Sorry.
Do you remember, in the Sound of Music, when Julie Andrews was scared she sang about her favourite things? Ye-e-es.
Can we do that? Do you want the short answer or the long answer? Both, please.
The short answer's "no".
The long answer's "n-o-o-o-o"! A-a-a-ah! All right.
All right.
We'll do it.
Do you know the words? I never forget the words of songs.
Well, off you go.
Would you count me in, please? Thanks.
# Snowdrops on roses and noses on kittens # Da da di da da da da da da da da mittens # Tum titty tum titty tum titty tings # These are a few of my favourite things # When the bird # Nearly remembered all the words! It's worked.
We're not scared.
No, we're not.
A-ah! A-a-a-a-ah! For crying out loud, Hugo! Just checking everyone's fine.
We were singing a tune to stop us getting scared.
Fab! I know a lovely song my mum sang to me when it got stormy.
Oh, well, fire away, O handsome troubadour.
Oh, well, I'm a bit rusty, but Go on! Here goes! Ahem! # When it's cold and stormy and you're feeling a little sick # Cuddle up nice and warmy and play with your little dick.
# Yes.
Well, that's very comforting, isn't it? Yes.
Come to think of it, I'm not sure it was my mum taught me that.
It might have been a bloke at school.
MORE THUNDER Alice! Get off me! Sorry.
Sorry.
Good Lord, what a mess! Oh, dear! I hate graves! Must be so wet down there.
I'm gonna get burnt and go in a pot, sit on my mum's mantelpiece.
Then one day I'll fall off on purpose, scare her to death.
She can get burnt and go in a pot on the mantelpiece.
Nice - two pots.
Not too much damage.
Thank you, God.
Dibley must be in favour at the moment.
TINKLE OF FALLING GLASS Or not! Meeting open.
Now, damage after the Great Storm.
Do you want to call it the Great Storm, cos there was one in '66? All right.
The Quite Great Storm.
How about the "Big"? For goodness sake! Over to you, Vicar.
As you know, our window was smashed by a tree in the storm with no name.
Do we replace it with the same image, OR do we go for something a bit more modern and exciting? Like this Chagall window here.
ALL: Oh, yes.
I like the old one.
Me too.
Yes, you're right - arty-farty, Froggie nonsense.
So, another traditional rendition of Jesus feeding the 5,000? Right.
No, no.
I don't think it was Jesus.
It were too fat for Jesus.
Not Jesus? I think it was Moses.
Moses and the feeding of the 5,000 does have a slightly odd ring to it.
It wasn't Moses.
Moses had a beard.
So, not Jesus.
Not Moses.
Anyone got ANY idea who our mystery man was? St Barnabus - as we're in the CHURCH of St Barnabus.
Logical.
There was a chap with a beard in the background holding a big lump of stone.
Moses carrying the Commandments for St Barnabus.
I'm not sure that Moses of Egypt and St Barnabus of Wolverhampton were the BEST of friends.
But if it wasn't Moses, why was he holding the Ten Commandments? Perhaps it wasn't! Perhaps it was just a big book! So, where are we? We've got St Barnabus and a mysterious chap holding a big book.
Could it be that we have here the first depiction in stained glass of This is Your Life(?) Perhaps the bloke with the book was a librarian.
A librarian?! Yes.
And St Barnabus went into the library in Wolverhampton to borrow a holy book.
Well, if it was a library, why were there 5,000 people in it? I never thought they were people.
Sorry, Jim? I always thought they were sheep.
Jesus and the feeding of the 5,000 sheep.
But I thought we've agreed it wasn't Jesus.
It was St Barnabus and the librarian.
Pretty bloody odd library with 5,000 sheep in it! All right! Hold it there.
We're on the outskirts of Loony Land here, heading for city centre.
We should find old pictures of the window.
I might actually have one on me here.
Oh? Excellent.
Problem solved.
Here we go.
There.
This is a picture of your dog, Jim.
No, no, no, no.
That's right.
But But he was standing outside the church.
And I thought perhaps you might see the window in the reflection in his eye.
I've had a thought - the old Book of Minutes has the entry from when the window was actually built.
Worth a try! And you'll find it depicted Jesus delivering the Sermon on the Mount.
Absolutely! From a boat.
I beg your pardon? Jesus was standing in a boat.
It could have been a boat-shaped cigar.
We've hit Loony Land city centre! Well, to cut a long story short, I finally found the old Book of Minutes.
And there was a drawing by the original artist of our north window, and its beautiful portrayal of NOAH'S ARK.
THEY GROAN Noah's Ark? Right! So the man in the front was Noah?! Right! The 5,000 were animals? Yes! And the man with the beard? A llama.
Imagine Moses looking like a llama! No wonder everybody took such notice of him.
Well, bravo, Frank! Unfortunately, I have some rather bad news.
The last time I heard that, Vicar, it was the end of real teeth.
I have spent the week investigating the prices of stained glass.
And the lowest quote we had was £11,000.
Bugger me! You could get someone killed for that! I'm afraid that that puts us in an impossible situation.
Minute that Dibley can't afford a new window.
"Can't" isn't in the Christian vocabulary.
It is! You CAN'T commit adultery.
You CAN'T steal.
And you can't even covet your neighbour's ass.
Even if it is very alluring.
I MEAN we can achieve anything we want.
They said to Jesus, "You can't walk on water - your dress'll get wet.
" But he did! They said to Rolf Harris, "You can't do Stairway to Heaven" - but he did! And very successfully, in my opinion.
That's all very well, but have you any idea how to raise £11,000? Well, no.
But we're not going to stick a stupid thermometer outside the church for 100 years, adding a nanometre of red felt-tip every time somebody gives us 2½p.
I want our church to be a CHURCH, not a church-shaped begging bowl.
I want Princess Anne to knock on my door and say, "I've dumped Tim Lawrence.
I'm all yours, big boy.
" But it's NOT going to happen, is it? Well.
Enough of this.
If you will excuse me, some of us have some work to do.
Thank you.
Whoo-oo! Whoo! Who-oo-oo! Ho-ho-ho.
Princess Anne, eh? Who'd have thought it?! She looked lovely on her wedding day.
Everyone looks lovely then.
I bet even Margaret Beckett looked sexy.
I rather fancy Margaret Beckett.
Wha-hey! Shoo-shoo-shush, boys! Any idea how we're going to raise this money? A lottery is the answer.
Tickets costing £5 - a lawnmower to the winner.
Great! Other ideas? I could finally yield to public demand and write my recipe book - One Hundred Exciting Things to do with Root Vegetables.
KNOCKING Vicar, I have had a rather brilliant thought.
Really(?) I've got this piggy bank.
My dad used to put all his money in it.
He said when I grew up I could buy a castle.
Was your dad known for telling the truth? Yeah.
My mum knew all about his kids in the other villages.
KNOCKING Hello.
I've had a fantastic thought.
This is like Ancient Greece at the birth of Philosophy(!) We know Richard Branson, and maybe he could sponsor the window.
Ah He looks like Jesus - bearded.
Yes.
He runs Virgin and Jesus's mum was Hello, Hugo.
Hello.
Nice piggy bank.
How much does it add up to? Excluding everything that isn't legal tender - a farthing! A farthing.
Oh, right.
So quite a way to go, then? Ye-es.
But don't worry, Hugo's had his excellent idea.
Red-letter day! His father must know millions of millionaires dying for a short cut to heaven.
David.
It's the Vicster here.
Hi.
Could you give me the names of five of your richest friends? We could squeeze 'em for the window money.
It is a ridiculous and - may I say? - a VERY immature idea.
Thank you.
What a kind and supportive man(!) What did he say? He's busy at the moment and could YOU give me the numbers? Right.
Well, I suppose Lord Hanson Very sexy.
Hello, Geraldine Granger.
Could I speak to Charles Kane, please? Ah, Mr Kane.
Geraldine Granger here.
I'm the vicar of St Barnabus Church.
We were wondering if you'd like to donate money for our new window.
We're looking for £11,000 and if Sorry? I can stick it up my where, sorry? Up my jacksie.
Excellent(!) Bless you.
Look, I'm gonna have to fib a bit.
But bear with me - it's for a very good cause.
Hello.
Er, could I speak to Mr Frobisher, please? Daniel.
Hi.
Gerry Granger here, erDibley Investments.
Um, you won't have heard of us.
We're pretty new kids on the block.
Would you be interested in an investment portfolio we're putting together? Dibley, Oxfordshire? Yes, actually.
I'm the vi the village postmistress's daughter.
A friend of mine lives nearby - Hairless Horton.
Said they had a woman vicar.
I heard that too.
My mother says she's fantastic.
Pretty cute too.
An all-round bodacious babe.
David says she's a bloody nightmare.
.
.
Yeah.
Probably fancies her.
Interesting thought - she might be a virgin.
I doubt it.
I know a vicar who was the best kisser in Cheltenham.
Really? Oh, yes.
Her tongue is in the Home Counties Gymnastics Team.
She can scramble eggs at 20 paces.
We're digressing.
Tell me about your investment opportunity.
I can't forget that tongue! Can you give me any sense of the range of your portfolio - your bonds, stocks, gilts, peps? Ah, yeah, I've got loads of those.
Look, why don't we talk about it over lunch? OK, I'll give you an hour.
Thursday lunch? Yeah, I think I can find a window.
Bye.
Oh, boys! I think I HAVE found a window! Do you want to buy a lottery ticket for the new church window? Only a fiver.
What's the prize? Lawnmower.
Got one.
What do you fancy, then? A washing machine.
Got one of those as well.
I'll take two tickets, then.
God bless you.
Good luck.
But we haven't got a washing machine.
No, but then he's not going to win, is he?! Very worthy cause, though.
PHONE RINGS Daniel here.
Piers, I'll ring you back.
I've a young lady visiting me.
Don't be disgusting.
I'll ring you.
Mr Frobisher.
Hello Vicar.
Fantastic office.
It's a bugger to park round here, though.
Yes.
Um You don't often get members of the clergy heading financial institutions.
No.
I fibbed about that.
Bad! Particularly bad for a priest.
So what do you want, em? What do I call you? Gerry's fine.
Could we talk about it over lunch? Must be a long time since you took a potential VIRGIN out for a meal.
Christ, I'm sorry.
"Christ" - that's a £1,000 fine! Jesus! £2,500! God, I'm £3,000.
You didn't say "knob".
No, I didn't say "knob".
Said "knob" - unbelievable! That's another £5,000.
Come on.
Come and see our church.
And then I said to them, "I don't care what you say.
This my field.
" And they didn't take to it kindly.
BUT, finally, after a pretty fiery exchange of views, they moved on.
Thank you, Jim, for that report.
If you have any more trouble with those sheep DO tell us.
Now, the window.
How are we doing? The lottery has come up with £1,000.
Bravo! I've been delighted with the level of unquestioning generosity shown, especially as the prize is now only a tea strainer.
Splendid.
Any other news? I've started my recipe book.
The radish jam is a particular success.
I bet(!) Anything else? Well I've got £10,000.
I beg your pardon?! So we can start work on our window instantly.
ALL: Hooray! Bravo! It's very kind of Miss Tinker to let me disturb your art class.
I must say, I love your papier-mache volcano.
It's St Paul's Cathedral, actually.
Right, right.
We're going to have a new window in the church showing Noah's Ark.
I thought I'd ask you what animals you'd most like to be in it.
Good! .
.
George.
A velociraptor, Miss.
That's from Jurassic Park, isn't it? Yes, Miss.
I'm not sure about that, but maybe.
Any others? .
.
Yes? A Tyrannosaurus Rex, Miss.
Right.
Hands up for any animals NOT featured in Jurassic Park.
Like a lion, for instance.
Football hooligan, Miss.
Sorry? My dad says they are ALL animals.
What about birds? Any birds? Samantha Fox, Miss.
My dad says she's a sexy bird and he'd like to give her one.
Mine too.
And mine.
My dad would like to give you one, Miss! George! Shush! Who is your dad? KNOCKING AT FRONT DOOR It's open! Hello, Vicar.
Hello, Hugo.
How's the window design going? I've some animal suggestions.
Good.
I'm watching the news, but sit down.
Oh, yes, frightfully important the news.
Must know what's going on.
Don't want Maggie Thatcher resigning and me never getting wind of it.
You ARE joking, Hugo? Of course.
Hugo She'll never resign.
They'll have to stab her in the back.
.
.
Here we go.
'Another Colombian earthquake.
Some of the pictures may cause distress.
'It's hard to believe that things could be worse than last time, 'but this line of bodies pulled out of a school tells its own tale.
'Little Maria has lost her sister.
' I'm sorry, Hugo.
God, how embarrassing! I'm such a cry-baby.
I cry at anything and everything.
Oh, don't mind me.
I'm the most frightful blubber too.
At school they called me Blubber-box.
That and Farty-pants.
This is just dreadful, isn't it? Just wish one could help more.
I gave money to Band Aid, and all that.
Bob Hope - excellent bloke.
Look, I'll leave you to it.
I vote for a velociraptor.
Fine specimens.
Thanks.
A much valued contribution(!) Live long and prosper! OK.
'For donations to the appeal, you'll be given the address to write to at the end of this bulletin.
' It's to be set in Jurassic Park.
How exciting! I was told, on the underground grapevine, the female figure is modelled on Samantha Fox.
O-h-h.
That'll be nice.
Will she be topless? I suppose she may be.
Anything to save money.
Mmm.
HUM OF ANTICIPATION Mmm - seven o'clock.
Right.
Well, here goes! Ladies and gentlemen, welcome.
We're very lucky to have with us today our wonderful benefactor, who gave us the remaining £10,000 for our window.
He's said any money we didn't spend can go to the earthquake appeal.
Bravo! Jolly decent! Yes! So, the moment has arrived.
Daniel, if you'd like to unveil it.
Certainly.
But first I'd like to congratulate you on your new vicar.
I'm a man from whom it's difficult to extract money.
Hear! hear! My wallet has a burglar alarm on it.
So, now I am delighted to unveil the new window of the Church of St Barnabus, Dibley.
You can see right through it.
Lovely sunset.
Bugger me! MRS CROPLEY: It's turned into rather a nice evening! It's beautiful.
How much did it cost? About £500.
Nice work, Spock.
Well, I felt that if I spent ALL the £11,000 on it, every time I looked at it all I'd see is those earthquake children.
What do you think of it, David? Very beautiful! I've always thought it the finest view in the village.
Good decision.
Bloody marvellous! When it comes to it, you can't beat God's own creation, can you? Mrs C, did you like the window? Oh, yes! The sales of the turnip biscuits were a little disappointing.
But you use the 13p for whatever you think fit, my dear.
Bless you.
WHISPERED COMMEN Oh, pity! That's another £1,000, I'm afraid.
Good news, all - the Christmas outing's on again! Thanks to Daniel.
# Goo-oodness and mercy # Shall follow me # All the days of my life # And I will dwell in the house of the Lo-o-ord # For ever # For ever.
# Right, I've got one for you, today.
O-Oh, fab! It's very funny Knock, knock.
Who's there? Ronnie.
Ronnie who? Ronnie Barker.
SHE CHORTLES It would be funny if Ronnie Barker came to your door, wouldn't it? You don't quite know how these jokes work.
I've a better one.
Right.
Knock, knock.
Who's there? Billy.
Billy Connolly, would it be? Ye-e-es! You've heard it! Isn't it funny? No.
I've got hundreds more.
.
.
Knock, knock.
Who the hell is it this time? Groucho.
It's going to be a very long night.
Dark chocolate and vanilla-flavour ice cream.
Smooth chocolate sauce and chocolate pieces.
Ooh, Chocolate Inspiration! (man) I am my mother, Una, and my sisters, Heather and Hannah.
I am my grandfather, who gave me a heavy bike one Christmas, and the neighbour who took the stabilisers off.
I am my friend Bobby who helped me through my training and the schoolkids from Dundee who raised money for my trip.
I am Mark Beaumont, and this year I broke the round-the-world cycling record.
I am who I am because of everyone.
I go to the dentist probably every six months.
I've had sensitive teeth for as long as I can remember.
If I bit into an ice lolly, I kind of had to do it in stages.
I probably looked like a hamster or something, nibbling away.
I'd heard of Sensodyne before, but I thought that it was perhaps for older people.
It's important to have it in the house all the time because I know what it's like when I don't use Sensodyne.
It's up there with the lip gloss and the mascara! Take the Mouth Match Challenge at: So let me get this straight.
If I haven't claimed on my car insurance in three years Oh, yes? .
.
you'll actually guarantee me a lower price than my current insurance company? Oh, yes! And you're sure about that, are you? Oh, yes! Ahem! Oh, yeah! Come on, Britain! For great car insurance prices, challenge Churchill at: or call: Oh, yes! Hello.
Hello.
Love the dress.
Well, Nigel bought it me.
Come on in.
Thanks.
Less Than Half Price on Branston baked beans is just one of hundreds of new offers at Somerfield this week And it's "Buy 1 Get 1 Free" on Walker's crisps, too BEEP Lovely dress.
Special occasion? Yes.
He's cooking.
No one torture-tests clothes like kids do, and these little monkeys are even hiding stains.
Oh, kids! You need new Vanish Oxi Action Intelligence.
One scoop in every wash could StainInsure your laundry.
- Prove it.
- Watch this.
Intelligent stain seekers search out and help remove the toughest stains, even those you might not have spotted.
- See? - Wow, that's incredible! (sighs) You can't hide anything from Mum now.
# The Lord is my Shepherd I shall not want # He maketh me To lie down in green pastures