The Witchfinder (2022) s01e04 Episode Script

1
The Witchfinder General
will need a new right-hand man!
Borrow a couple of horses,
off we go,
we should be in Chelmsford
marginally after dark.
Argh! Rely on oneself, pull
up the drawbridge.
What was their name?
Something like Dorothy.
So, Dorothy, yeah?
If you want to,
you could help me find my master.
We'd be happy to.
Some people warned me not
to come through here.
I have children! Please!
They're maniacs. All of them.
I'm no good to you dead, am I?
You stay here,
you'll be cinders in an hour.
Going somewhere, Mr Bannister?
Do you know this woman?
This is His wife. Ha
Oh, congratulations!
Thank you, pal. Thank you.
Well, let's see it, then!
See? See what? The ring!
Oh, you mean the wedding ring?
Yes, just trying to think
what we did with it. Um
We don't actually have
Oh, here we go. There it is, look.
Yeah, it's a family heirloom.
His grandmother gave it to us
after she died.
Well, not after she died.
She couldn't! She was dead.
But she did say that she was
going to give it to us,
then she died. Sadly.
Then we got it off her just
with a bit of soap.
And some hot water, yeah.
It's beautiful.
Sure is, yeah.
It looks a bit like yours,
Catherine.
It does, but mine's a bit more
Oh!
Oh, I must have left it in the
You really should wear
your wedding ring, Catherine.
Marriage is a sacrament.
Yes, sorry.
We've got to get off.
We had, we had.
In the middle of the feast?!
Chelmsford awaits!
I thought you wanted to borrow
a horse and cart?
Nah, you're all right, we'll walk.
Come on.
Come on. Chelmsford?
You need to go right through
Dedham Vale, not back that way.
But don't worry, there may be many
villagers in the Vale,
but they're
all God-fearing people like us.
You can be sure of a warm welcome.
Thank you. Thank you.
Justgo through
All right?
There's no need to be rude!
I'm just asking you which way
he went.
Yeah, and I'm telling you
It's none of our beeswax.
Exactly. One beekeeper doesn't sell
out another.
Master Gideon's not a beekeeper!
He can't stand the little
Alice, could you fetch
my coin purse from the cart?
I might purchase some honey.
These yellow and black ones,
what are they called?
Bees.
You must be fond of them.
I am fond of them, yeah.
And they of you?
I like to think so, yeah.
They wouldn't hurt you at all?
No. The bee's a very placid animal.
Much like Cumberlidge.
Unless provoked.
Also like Cumberlidge.
Which hand do you write with?
Which hand? Do you write with?
I'm sorry?
Don't be. Just answer the question.
Would you like me to repeat
the question?
I can repeat the question.
Which hand do you write with?
Which hand do you favour?
What's your dexterous hand?
Are you right or left-handed?
Well, I'm right-handed, but
Oh, no! Please, no, no!
No, please!
Walk and smile, smile and walk.
We're just two normal newlyweds
walking along normally.
Well, start acting like it, then.
Just because you like the idea
of our being married
I don't like it.
Oh, I think we all know the kind
of warped fantasies women
like you forge in
the fleshy kiln of their loins.
Oh, God, there's one.
Maybe it's easier if we just say
that I am a travelling merchant
and you're my bag carrier.
I'm not your bag carrier.
I'll say you're my bag carrier.
Well, I'll say you're
MY bag carrier.
Why would I be your bag carrier?
Why would I be YOUR bag carrier?
And what merchant?
What are you selling?
I trade mainly in spices.
Where are they?
Well, they're not on me.
I have an emporium.
What are they?
The spices? Salt.
Salt's not a spice.
What is it, then, a drink?
Spices grow, salt does not grow.
All right, privet, you grow privet.
Privet is not a spice.
That's a hedge.
A hedge can be a spice.
No, it can't.
Hedges can be spices. A hedge
Do you want to survive? Yes, I do.
Then we need to get
our story together - and fast.
Now, what are we?
Are we married, or are we merchants?
I don't see why we have to come up
with a story.
They're not going to think
I'm a witch just cos I'm with
a man and I'm not married.
These people are demented.
There are eight miles
and God knows how many villages
until we're out of Dedham Vale.
We need to paint a picture for them,
or they will paint their own.
And if they start to wonder,
we don't know where
Hello there! ..that will end.
Hello. Hello.
Oh, God, they're coming.
We need to know enough
about each other to suggest
that we are a couple rather than
two strangers who've only just met.
Are you listening?
I wasn't, but I am now.
My name is Gideon Bannister.
I was born in Framlingham
to George and Mary.
I have no siblings, never wanted
any. I was schooled at Milesford
then at Corpus Christi College,
Cambridge. That's a lot of Cs.
I enjoy birdsong, scripture
and good tailoring.
I am kind. We wed at St Stephen's
Chapel, Wickham Market.
We hope to have two children,
both of them boys. Now you.
My name is Thomasine Gooch.
Bannister, Bannister
Thomasine Bannister.
My mum and dad are William and
Eliza - not that way round -
I have a brother, but he died,
and a fiance that ran off.
I used to have a dog, but he fell
in a hole, so we just heard him
barking for days and we'd throw food
down, but when we went back
one day, we couldn't hear
any barking, so we think he either
died or he climbed out.
I think that he climbed out,
but my mum said the dogs don't climb
because they have their knees on
backwards like cows.
Why are you telling me this?
Who needs to know this?
Hello! Good day to you.
I'm sorry to shout you over,
but I just had to say hello
to the newlyweds.
Oh-ho-ho, word travels fast!
All part of the Dedham Vale welcome.
And on that note
So, how was it, the big day?
It was lovely. Lovely. Erm
His parents, George and Mary
George and Mary.
And her mother, Eliza, was
looking
..down from heaven.
..quite radiant.
She's in heaven?
And so how was she looking radiant?
She was I'll tell you
what it was
I'm thinking of the organist,
who was looking radiant
and was maybe a woman in
her mid-60s Mm-hm. Uh-huh.
..and she was there.
Her mother, meanwhile, was, yeah,
not there
for the perfectly
reasonable excuse of herdeath.
So you didn't know that
your wife's mother was dead?
Give us a chance!
We only just got married. Yesterday!
Then, it's time for celebration!
No, no. No, it's not.
For luck, ivy, that they may grow
intertwined as it does.
Well, that's lovely. Now
And the spilt seed of a ram
Pardon me, the spilt seed?
Semen. Semen.
..that they may grow fertile.
Very kind of you.
And of the ram. And of the ram.
Oh, believe me, he likes it.
You have a way with people,
don't you, Mr Hebble.
I can't thank you enough
for your help.
You've made an old woman feel
very special.
When you see her,
tell her she's welcome.
I'm the old woman!
Oh, I see what you did there.
You are most kind.
I've often prayed for a sign
or for a helping hand from the Lord
and that's why he sent you,
an angel from above.
Because he does do that,
does the Lord.
Look at how he sent a great flood
so Noah could show off his new boat.
Look at how when Moses was stranded
by the Red Sea,
the Lord made a pass
so he could walk right through it.
And if a path isn't a sign,
I don't know what is.
Nor do I, Alice.
Nor do I.
Nooses. You make these yourself,
do you?
She's making it in front of you.
Always good to have a hobby.
We need to get out of here.
Why don't you just?
Look at your two,
couple of lovebirds!
Aha. Well, a couple of lovebirds
who must fly, I'm afraid.
Not often you see a married couple
show so much affection.
How do you mean? Well, there's
barely a cross word between you.
It's almost hard to believe.
Hard to believe? Why?
Not like many married couples
I know.
Oh, believe me, we sometimes make
our feelings clear, don't we?
So, for example, I will say,
"Why do you always speak
with your mouth full?"
And I might say, "Why do you have to
look down on people?
"Why can't you just be kind?"
I might say, "Kindness has
to be earned. You can be quite
ill mannered."
I might say, "You might have
manners, but it's what's behind
the manners."
I might say,
"Oh, eh, I must hear this.
"What's behind my manners?"
"You're mean, you're inconsiderate,
you're dishonest, you're vain."
And I say, "Have you quite
finished?" "You don't listen.
"You tut, you snore,
you roll your eyes"
I'll say, "Now have you finished?"
"You've no honour,
"even though it seems to be the only
thing that you care about.
"You're short-tempered, you're
a hypocrite and you're not nice."
Now have you finished?
Yeah, I've finished now. Yeah.
What do you think, Alice?
Could this be your master's?
Well, Master Gideon says it doesn't
do for Puritans
to indulge in the pleasures
of the ear.
But we all like music, don't we?
Imight sing occasionally.
You sing beautifully, like
a tropical songbird, a parrot, say,
and Cumberlidge knows
I love a song as well.
Do you? A jaunty jig song,
a moving ballad - I love a song.
So if there's no harm in
your master enjoying music,
could this be his whistle?
I think it is.
Then he came through here.
We'll catch him in no time.
Catch? Catch, catch up.
Ah.
Is it as blessed as they say?
The wedding?
The night of the wedding.
Oh, the night of the wedding,
we travelled here.
Then how did you consummate?
We haven't had a chance to do
that yet, but it's on our list.
Sorry, I thoughtpeople
said you were married.
We are married.
We just haven't had a
The sacrament isn't complete.
You are his wife?
Mr Bannister?
Yes, he came through, ooh, what?
A few hours ago now?
Excellent. I am pleased.
Him and his wife. His wife?!
He's not got a wife!
Oh, yes. He has now.
Just married, apparently.
Master Gideon?
It was his wife, wasn't it?
Oh, yes, yes.
They had a ring and everything.
Happy day!
Would you mind pointing us
in the direction they headed?
We'd love to coat them
with our best wishes.
Certainly. This way.
I think you left a witch on that.
I don't think it's true,
them being wed.
Well, true, not true, whichever
I mean, it's probably just a ruse,
you know, to stop these lot
from snatching her.
It's no concern of mine if he was
married, he's just my employer.
Yeah, I know, it's just
..some help have a special bond
with their master.
I don't have a special bond
with my master.
YOU might have a special
bond with
I don't have a special bond
with my master, no.
I mean, you see some help, they're
all over their masters like spilt
soup. Like nappy rash.
Pathetic, desperate.
I mean, I don't even know
my master's birthday. I don't.
I don't. June-uary?!
Yeah. Or how he likes his bath.
When my master had ticks,
I laughed. I would.
I'd laugh.
I mean, I'm laughing right now.
I removed them all,
but I was laughing.
Why did you tell them that?
Well, I didn't know
they had the room ready, did I?
This is unbelievable.
I was supposed to be in Chelmsford
a day ago.
Calm down!
Dining with Matthew Hopkins himself!
I'd have said something like,
"I don't know about finding witches.
"You've certainly found yourself
a good chef here."
And he would've laughed
and said, "Yeah, good one."
You're making such a
fuss about nothing.
They think we are having
congress in here.
We're bloody stuck, madam,
in these four thin walls
with half the village listening in.
Why don't you just say,
"We've changed our mind, actually"?
Do you want to take that chance?
There are trees out there
with bodies dangling from them.
We ought to begin.
What's that?!
Kissing.
Have you ever been with a woman?
Have I ever been with a woman?
she asks.
Have you ever been? I am
a Puritan and I am unmarried.
No, I haven't ever
been with a bloody woman.
And you need to be making
appreciative noises
in between the grunts.
What is that?
You sound like a violin!
You sound like someone
trying to shit a violin!
Ha, maybe we should do that
in every village.
Take a room and grunt at each other?
Express our fondness publicly.
Then I thought you could tickle me.
Yes.
And then you can nuzzle into me
and I'll make a cute noise.
Cute noise? Nyang-nyang-nyang
We're flying here.
I feel like Icarus.
Anyone would think you're
enjoying yourself.
I am very, very fond of this lady.
Follow the river,
get past these trees,
get through the last few villages
and we're out of Dedham Vale.
The important thing
is not to get cocky.
So we tend to do the hanging
in the morning
and then in the afternoon
we have a market,
you know, make a day of it
for the family.
Ooh, sounds lovely.
So you two married, then?
Married? No.
Thomasina is a witch,
and we're hoping no-one notices.
I say that to my missus
all the time.
Just that I wouldn't have put you
two together, that's all. Hmm.
I wouldn't have put you together
with that hat,
but, you know, you have.
So when did you get together?
Feels like only yesterday.
We've had our trials
and tribulations,
let's put it that way. Mainly
trials, though, to be honest.
But when a whole town wants
you to stand beside a woman
and tie the knot, what can you do?
Almost took my breath away.
Well, knots will do that,
but I didn't leave her hanging.
And so here we are.
Sorry? Oh, don't be, John. Don't be.
Oh, I love you, Gideon Bannister.
Do you know what,
Thomasine Bannister? Mmm?
When I'm not with you,
I think of your face
and it makes my heart swell.
Gideon?
Dorothy! What are you doing here?
Me? I'm
I'm heading to Chelmsford.
Why are you here? What the hell
are you even doing here?
I live here, with my husband, Rex.
That's so, so great.
Are you going to introduce us?
Yes. Yes, I am.
Thomasine, this is Dorothy,
my former betrothed.
Dorothy, this is Thomasine,
my Wife. ..wife.
Oh, you found someone!
Chose someone. Yeah.
Oh, you must stay for lunch.
I'll have the carriage come round.
Lovely! Actually, no,
we can't do that. Nonsense.
Driver! We wouldn't want to impose.
You wouldn't be imposing.
We would. So we won't.
But I want to find out a little bit
more about Thomasine.
Where are you from?
Who is your father?
I've said we can't go.
Miriam is preparing
a saddle of lamb!
Ooh! It's not going to happen,
Dorothy.
Perhaps another time, then. Maybe.
Mmm. Mm-hmm.
Thomasine. Dorothy.
My goodness.
Your apples are as rosy red
as your cheeks.
I always think rosy cheeks
are a sign of a keen mind.
Or mead for breakfast!
A mind keen enough to remember
if you'd seen someone.
Now I'm looking for
Alice?
# If your true love came passing by
# You'd fill him with drink
if he was dry
# At the well below the valley-o
# Green grows the lily-o
# Right among the bushes-o
# That's the end of my song #
I don't know what that was.
I like songs.
And, you know, you said
before you like songs, so I thought,
the master likes songs,
I like songs, so
That was a lie to win
Old Myers' confidence.
Yeah, I know.
Mine was a lie, too.
So you don't like music?
Hate music.
Right. So that performance
Another lie.
A longer lie.
Huh.
Master Gideon!
What are you doing here?
Helping you. Stay there, Gooch.
You're not helping me.
You were helping by staying put.
Yes, but they've all
got it in their heads
that it's you
that killed Mr Stern.
So I thought,
I have to come and warn you
in case word reached
the Witchfinder General
before you'd had a chance
to explain.
And that was all your idea, was it?
Well, I was talking to Mr Hebble
Hebble? Oh, my God. You and Hebble.
Hebble and Myers!
Sounds like a firm of
not very good undertakers.
Well, you didn't take long, did you?
What did he offer you?
Higher wage? Plush new saddle?
Those thimbles you keep going on
about? I am not working for him.
He has come with me because
Hebble is with you?
Yes! He wants to help you.
He doesn't want to help me.
He wants to take my witch.
He wants to take my job
with the Witchfinder General!
Bugger me. Bugger, bugger, bugger.
Gooch! Come on, Gooch!
Hebble's here.
What's happening?
Goodness, Gideon!
Hebble knows what you're
going through.
When he was young, his father
was killed as a poacher!
He understands!
No, no, no, no, no. Hebble's father
is an actuary in Kidderminster.
I doubt he knows how to poach
an egg. What's happening?
His father is dead.
His father isn't dead.
I've met his bloody father. You've
met his father! What's going on?
You met him at the Carols, Myers!
Wake up! What's happening?
He's spun you a yarn
to earn your trust.
I think I've made a mistake.
A mistake? What's going on?
No, a mistake is when you miss
an L out of the word clock
when you're writing to your mother.
What's happening?
A mistake is when you try to milk a
bull. This isn't a mistake, Myers.
This is a foul-up.
What's going on?
Does he know where I'm going?
I think I might have
You're unbelievable.
What's happening? I'll tell you
what's going on,
and I'll tell you what's happening.
Right?
Myers here is going to take Hebble
somewhere else.
You and I are going to hide.
Now. Now, now, Myers! Now. Come on.
What are you doing?
Hiding now. No
What are you? Stand up.
We need to find a large barrel,
or a haystack.
I'm not getting in a barrel.
Then a haystack it is.
I'm not getting in a haystack.
Your ex offered for us
to go to her house.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Believe me, we're not doing that.
That's ruled out.
Did you say SADDLE of lamb?
I've always wanted a house
with a corridor.
Love corridors.
Now, what I was saying about
getting married to Thomasine. Yes?
Well, have you got to know
the locals at all?
Well, not as much as we'd like.
They are a very god-fearing people,
in quite a mad way.
I've heard they execute suspected
witches without going to trial.
Well, one can't be too careful
when it comes to witches, can one?
So you knew about that, did you?
Oh, absolutely.
It's one of the reasons
we moved here.
Oh, I'm sorry. What were you saying
about Thomasine?
Oh, nothing, I don't think.
This is my husband, Rex.
As in
..Oedipus Rex?
I'm a friend of your mother's.
Your wife's. Hello.
You must be Gideon.
And I must be going.
Going? Going where?
Word is there's a witch in the Vale,
along with a corrupted witchfinder.
Get lost! Mmm. I'm off to find
some men to help hunt them down.
Care to join, Gideon?
Does it have to be you?
We've got guests,
for goodness' sake. Good point.
Oh, do stay, Rex. I shall find
something for Thomasine to wear,
and you can entertain Gideon.
Entertain? What?
You know how many windows
we have here?
Oh, er, forty
112 windows.
Well, 1-1-2.
You like swords?
A classic cut-and-thrust two-edged
sword by Kenneth's of Hounslow.
Observe the half-basket hilt.
And the blade
..32 inches. 32.
32 inches. Two edges. 112 windows.
Some numbers.
A pair of French rapiers.
Lighter, for the weak-wristed
swordsman. Hmm? Hmm.
Do you know why the foil
came to prominence? No, sir.
Goes through chainmail.
Oh. And like that,
rendered chainmail obsolete.
I was wondering why chainmail
have been rendered obsolete.
Well, there you are.
Ah! Now, this bespoke mortuary
sword was given to me
by Oliver Cromwell himself.
You met Oliver Cromwell?
Yes. At Naseby?
No, Dorothy and I met him socially.
What did he say? Was he nice?
Do you mind if I don't tell
you, actually?
I just feel it would be indiscreet
to divulge what was said
in a private conversation.
Totally. Absolutely fine.
I just feel discretion is important.
No, I was just
That's just something I feel. Mmm.
I'm not asking you to say exactly
what he said,
just looking for
a general impression. Hmm.
Or does that fall under the same
proto? Yes, I think it does.
Dick.
Oh! Smell that food.
Now, remember, how you behave
reflects upon me.
I think I'll be all right.
A guy in my village used to host big
feasts when he found dead livestock,
so I have used forks.
"I have used forks."
No-one matching that description?
Alice! There you are.
Oh, I just needed the privy, love.
No matter.
Don't know why I keep needing to go.
It's fine.
I think it might be the cart
thumping against it.
You know, like when you squeeze
a pig's bladder full
It's fine.
So what did he say? Who?
Master Gideon!
Seemed in quite a hurry.
Was that not him I saw riding away?
Cumberlidge! The cart.
Do you want one?
No, thank you.
Let us begin.
Dear Lord, we give thanks
for the food we are about
Oh, sorry.
So sorry.
Dear Lord, we give thanks
for the food we are about to enjoy.
Amen. Amen. Just to explain
the grace mix-up
No! No, I'd like to. I'd like to.
No, really. I'd like to.
We said grace immediately
before we encountered you,
and I think Thomasine thought that
carried over, not unreasonably.
I think most people agree that Grace
applies for around about
Thank you. ..45 minutes,
there or thereabouts,
before you have to re-utter.
So I think she was eating
within that window. My God!
Do my eyes deceive me? Father!
Gideon Bannister!
We've not had the pleasure since
Oh, yes, when we decided
that you and Dorothy should
Yes. Yeah. Sorry about that.
No idea you'd
Well, it didn't feel good.
Well, anyway Genuinely never seen
a grown man cry like that.
Sobering, sobering.
But how are things?
I rather imagined that you'd end up
at home
helping your father with his
Was it butterflies? Bees. Bees.
That's it.
Is that where you ended up?
Yeah.
Oh, good for you.
Follow your passion.
Too many men these days, they just
want a bit of stature or renown.
You know that Rex fought at Naseby?
Yes, he mentioned that,
and I enjoyed listening to that.
Not too late to join up.
Join up?
Do you remember when he ran away
from that squirrel?
I was going in that direction
anyway, but yes.
Oh, forgive me.
Father, Thomasine.
Thomasine and Gideon
have just got married.
Very pleased.
Oh! And it's Thomasine?
Sorry. Gooch.
Trying to think if I know
the Gooch family.
Do you have family, Thomasine?
Well, never mind about her family.
Let's talk about your family.
How are your family?
Well, Uncle Francis
is Uncle Francis. Of course, yes.
Still burying his money
lest the Crown should steal it.
He's a bit of an eccentric.
Well, I'm all for eccentrics.
I have an uncle, Jeremy,
who won't have clocks in the house.
Oh! I've got an uncle that
fell in love with a scarecrow.
The only thing is,
he couldn't accept that the
scarecrow didn't love him back. Oh!
And he spent all day with it,
stroking it, talking to it.
We just thought it was Brian
being Brian,
until he started getting intimate
with it.
And we said, "Brian,
you can't be doing this,
"not in an open field
with kids watching."
And he'd be crying, going, "Oh, but
the heart wants the heart wants."
And we said, "Well, Brian,
does that still apply
"when it's, you know, furniture?"
And he just got worse and worse
and he ended up hanging himself.
Very lonely man.
Might give the chutney a go.
And where's your family estate?
Banham, but I wouldn't call it
an estate. Oh, I would.
I absolutely would.
It's an estate. It has grounds.
Well, it's got a bit of grass
out the back for the dog to go.
Got to say,
this beetroot tops the lot.
It's fine. It's fine.
Never let it be said
we do not enjoy a joke at table.
I enjoy
Do you know calembour?
It's a kind of French pun,
and yes, I have several
up my sleeve.
Oh! I will often have the table
roaring, won't I?
Oh, roaring.
I've got a joke!
Well, the calem
A man walks into an alehouse
Yes. ..so drunk that he's sick
all over himself.
He goes, "Oh, me wife's going to be
so cross with me!
"I've gone out and got drunk again."
And the landlord turns to him
and says, "Here, take that shilling,
yeah, put it in your top pocket,
"say another bloke
was sick on your shirt
"and he gave you a shilling
to get a new shirt."
"Oh, yeah, I'll do that.
I'll do that."
So he goes home and his wife
sees him and she is
She's livid.
She goes, "Look at the state of you!
You went out and got drunk again."
He went, "No, no, no, it wasn't me.
It wasn't me.
"It was another bloke.
"And what happened is he gave me
a shilling for a new shirt."
She goes, "Why's there
two shillings, then? And he says,
"Because he shat in my pants
as well."
Forgive me.
How could one man defecate
in trousers still being worn
by another man?
I suspect the absurdity
is rather the point, yes?
Oh, I see.
And was this a friend of yours?
I hope you don't mind my asking,
but, er
..is she a, er
..peasant? A peasant? Oh, God, no.
Yeah, I am.
Oh, well, how splendid.
Do you know, I don't think
we've ever had one at table before.
What didn't you say, Gideon?
We could have provided a spoon.
She has used forks. No!
Good for you, Gideon,
because it can work.
You know, Lord Bodman married a
milkmaid, and he had three children.
Mmm, good breeders, the poor.
Do you people tend to
live long or?
Does she know numbers?
Ask her yourself.
Do you know numbers?
Well, yeah. I mean, I do know
stuff. I just can't read,
but I want to learn. Sorry?
I want to learn how to read.
Yes!
You had me taken in for a second
there!
Me too! Oh, I didn't want to say!
That's bloody convincing, actually.
It's the absurdity again,
isn't it, Rex?
You can imagine them, you know,
in the field,
there they are,
trying to read a potato.
Very good!
I think we have to go now.
Dorothy, Mr Harvey,
it's been a pleasure.
Hear, hear. And seriously,
congratulations on the peasant.
Little gift to say thank you.
Some honey.
This is honey?
White honey, yeah. White honey?
Never heard of it.
Where did you get it from?
Oh, we got it from
Ramscock. Ramscock.
It's a local delicacy,
only for the discerning palate.
Well, we shall be on our way.
Mmm!
Interesting.
Well, it's interesting, isn't it?
I've had that before.