The Yard (2011) s01e04 Episode Script

Kids can get pretty much anything they want in the yard, as long as they can afford it.
'Cause everything comes with a price.
Hey, Nick.
Do you know anyone who's got any strawberry milk? Hey, do we know anyone who has strawberry milk? Yeah, I think Donnie's got some.
Donnie Freckles? No, Donnie the Mexican.
Good, 'cause I'm really jonesing for some.
You think he'll trade for these? What do they open? Beat me.
I found them in the garbage.
But look how many there are.
Well, let me take a look at 'em.
If you're willing to pay the price Well, I'll see what I can do.
You could get your hands on anything you want in the yard.
From strawberry milk to chocolate milk; T-Rexes to Brontosauruses.
Stuff like that is easy to get because the screws turn a blind eye to those kind of things.
Other stuff is a little trickier.
The harder something is to get by the screws, the higher the price.
Super Soakers, M-rated video games, puppy dogs That stuff is gonna cost you.
But the hardest thing to get past the screws is peanuts, or anything that contains peanuts, or anything that even MAY contain peanuts.
Peanuts are strictly forbidden in the yard.
The screws search our lockers, they go through our backpacks Kids love peanut butter sandwiches.
Always have, always will.
That's a historical fact.
And, oh, have you ever, like, held a girl's hand while eating a PB&J? That's the best.
And, like, you know, when you're sitting around with your friends playing video games and it's fun, but if you munch a nice, big PB&J first, it's even awesomer.
It's like the colours seem brighter.
Everything seems crisper.
Like everything's right with the world.
Mmm.
Mmm! So good! Yeah, man, you feel so much mellower.
Yeah, everything's just so cool.
So, here's the thing that makes most kids happy, but the teachers act like the peanut is the devil's bean.
The thing is, they can never stop the peanut butter trade.
They can't! There will always be the demand.
Kids will always be able to get their hands on PB&Js.
And they're willing to pay, so there's a tonne of money to be made smuggling PB&Js into the yard.
Here you go.
Now get the fuck out of here, you junkie.
There's a demand, so I fill that demand.
I'm only giving the kids what they want.
The demand is so crazy, I can barely keep up.
Every night after school, me, Mickey, and Pork Chop are making sandwiches for, like, two solid hours, sometimes three.
Then I package them and get them ready for distribution to all the hungry kids in the yard the next day.
I'm kind of like the Santa Claus of PB&Js.
But Santa Claus doesn't charge for his presents.
Yeah.
He gives his shit away for free.
Well, maybe if I had a bunch of flying reindeer, then maybe it wouldn't be so hard for me to get the product into the yard.
I gotta get the stuff past the screws first.
What are screws? Teachers.
They're fucking crazy when it comes to peanuts.
We spend all of our time trying to keep one step ahead of all the teachers.
We tried tunnels, but that didn't work, so we tried unmanned drones.
But that didn't work either.
Oh, crap! The easiest way is just to use a catcher.
What's a catcher? A catcher's a kid who catches bags of PB&Js that someone throws over the fence into the yard.
Here you go.
We get someone on the outside, usually a junior high kid.
Now, how did you get involved with the PB&J trade? Well, I used to go to school here when I was a kid.
Me and Frankie have a little bit of a history, if you know what I'm saying, and, uh, when he called me to ask for my help, I just couldn't refuse.
Now, every once in a while, a kid gets busted.
That's just part of the game.
Freeze! Freeze! Stop right there! Drop the bag! The catchers know that going in.
It's a risky business, but they get paid a lot of money to take that risk.
Keep moving, keep moving.
Let's go.
One week of catching, a kid can make more than two years worth of allowance.
If you get caught with peanuts, you're screwed-- Suspended on the spot, get sent home, your parents freak out, and that's why I won't let anybody in my crew touch the stuff.
So a kid gets pinched.
It's a big fucking setback to lose a member of my crew, so I paid off Patti to hook a patsy from Nick's crew.
Hi, Johnny.
Hey.
Is it true that you have a magic ring that can make you invisible? Uh, yeah.
That is so cool! Hey, I just thought of something.
Maybe you could help me solve a little problem I have.
Sure.
See, the thing is, me and my friends, we really like PB&Js.
I like those too.
Oh, cool! So, anyway, my cousin's best friend's older brother's girlfriend's sister is gonna be bringing some by this afternoon, and I know it sounds a little stupid, but I'm kind of nervous to pick them up myself.
You know, in case a teacher sees or something.
But you got this invisibility ring, right? So they'd never see you.
No, no, they wouldn't see me at all.
Great! So you'll do it? - Uh, well - Just give her the money and she'll give you the sandwiches.
That's a lot of money.
How many sandwiches can you and your friends eat? We're pretty hungry.
Can you do it? I don't know, Patti.
Nick wouldn't like it very much.
But I'd love it.
I'd love it so much, I'd even let you kiss me on the cheek for seven seconds.
When she first asked me, I said no fudgin' way.
Nick's always told us none of us can get involved with the peanut racket, and there's no way I'm going to betray Nick for a kiss on the cheek for a lousy seven seconds.
I'll do it if you let me put my hand in your back pocket for 15 seconds.
Five seconds.
Ten.
Five! Deal.
I think she put a spell on me.
Why do you say that? Because it was like I couldn't think straight.
All I could think about was putting my hand in her back pocket.
And then my body got all tingly, and my chest got numb.
She must have put a spell on me.
Otherwise, I would have never done something so stupid.
Psst! Hey, invisible kid, you there? Yeah, I'm here.
You got the money? Yeah, you got the stuff? Yeah.
Looks like the money's floating.
It was nice doing business with you, wherever you are.
I did it! I did it! Johnny What the hell?! What the heck is this? You don't know? Yes, I do.
I know it's some kind of napkin.
It says so right here, but I took some home and set the table with them, and my mom freaked out and sent me to my room, and her boyfriend even kept laughing! I guess your cousin's best friend's older brother's girlfriend's sister ripped us off.
Us? She ripped you off.
What are you talking about? You should have looked in the bag before you gave her the money.
It's just common sense.
Oh.
Okay, look, I'll get your money back.
It might take me a while, but I'll get it to you.
Johnny, that wasn't my money; It was Frankie's, and he's going to want to talk to you.
I'm so frickin' screwed! What makes you say that? Because I betrayed Nick, and he's the only guy who can stand up to freakin' Frankie.
And Frankie is the last guy you want to owe money to.
So I heard you spent my 40 bucks in peanut money on a bag of tampons.
What, you got your period right now? Must have a pretty heavy period.
You got a heavy period? No.
Well, then, why would you do that to me? I thought we were friends.
You did? Yeah, sure.
I always liked you.
That magic stuff you do really cracks me up.
Uh, thanks.
But this tampon shit, it's not so fucking funny.
You lost my money.
But Frankie, I didn't know it was your money, and I thought I was getting PB&Js.
I got ripped off.
No, you didn't get ripped off.
I got ripped off! And all those kids who wanted those sandwiches - got ripped off! And now you-- - I need to take a whiz.
Fuck, Mickey.
And now you gotta do something to make it right.
Look, Frankie, I'll get your money.
Know what, pal D Don't worry about paying me back.
Really? Yeah, I told you we were friends, and friends help each other out.
I know you'd help me out if I needed it.
Oh, you bet, Frankie.
Good.
So here's what I need you to do.
Oops.
I need you to start catching for me.
What? Yeah, I need you to be my catcher, at least until Pork Chop gets back.
I can't do this to Nick.
What if he finds out? How's he going to find out? I ain't gonna tell him.
You gonna tell him, Mickey? Fuck no! I'll tell you one thing: If you don't do this, he'll find o for sure.
Besides, it's not a big deal.
You meet Patti's cousin's best friend's older brother's girlfriend-- Patti's cousin's best friend's older brother's girlfriend's sister again.
You make a catch.
What if she rips me off again? Don't worry about it.
I had a little talk to her.
This time she'll have the real shit.
Trust me.
I know what I'm doing.
When a kid owes me money, that makes me money.
Now instead of paying a catcher 20 bucks, I got one for free.
It's all profit.
It's all gravy.
I love gravy.
As long as it's not too lumpy and shit.
Our mom's gravy is too lumpy.
Real lumpy.
The first time was the hardest, man.
I didn't think I could do it.
Frankie set up a distraction so I could make the catch without Nick finding out.
Hey, guys, Frankie's crew's paying Cory five bucks to eat some larva, and he's gonna do it.
Where? Behind the portables.
Come on! I only eat bugs when I'm really hungry, like when my mom sleeps in and forgets to pack my lunch.
And I don't have much money, and Frankie was offering five bucks, and all I had to do was eat the bugs at exactly 12:15.
What do you think I was gonna say? No? I hated betraying Nick, but it was like Frankie had me by the nut sack.
I was so scared that Nick was gonna catch me.
Hey, man, aren't you coming? Nah, I gotta take a number two.
Besides, I've seen it before.
Suit yourself.
Eww! Disgusting! What is that? Oh, my goodness! Do it! Do it! So disgusting! Eww! Hey, Nick.
What? I just saw Patti eating a peanut butter sandwich.
Are you sure? Yeah, I could smell it.
Where's she get it? Yeah.
That's weird.
I'd better go talk to Mary on this one.
Frankie was up to something-- I could feel it-- And I needed to find out what.
That looks so good.
Hey, Mary, can I talk to you? - Mm-hmm.
What - Well, I was just trying to figure out how your brother's still getting PB&Js into the yard even after Pork Chop got busted.
Beats me.
What what are you eating? I hate lying to Nick.
The thing is, usually I'm good at keeping secrets, but it feels weird keeping things from Nick.
Lying to Nick sucks.
Just gonna go take a little dump.
I gotta go to the bathroom and go catch up on some reading.
I gotta take the Browns to the Superbowl.
Frankie keeps making me do it, and every time I do it, it feels worse, and plus, I'm not a very good liar.
The guilt's driving me crazy.
I keep thinking, "What if Nick finds out"? I can't eat; can't sleep.
Lying to Nick is making me, like, physically sick.
Hey, invisible kid.
You don't look so good.
I don't feel so good.
You should think about getting out of the game for a while.
So how do you like working with Johnny? He's cool.
I mean, whatever floats your boat, but he's gotta get rid of that frickin' magic shit, because, bitch, he'll get caught before he gets into junior high, 'cause this shit's the real world.
Psst! Mickey, tell Frankie I can't do this anymore.
Hey, Frankie, Johnny says he can't fucking do this anymore.
Tell him he's my best worker, and ask him what the fucking problem is.
Yo, Johnny, Frankie says you're one of his best workers, and what's the problem? Tell him it's driving me crazy.
I don't care if you guys tell Nick.
I don't care anymore.
Hey, Frankie, he says he doesn't fucking care y you tell Nick.
He doesn't fucking care about this anymore.
Ask him if I told him we were friends.
Did he tell you, by any chance, that you guys were friends? Yeah.
He says yeah.
Tell him I don't like to see a friend of mine so unhappy, so one more catch, I'll cut him loose.
He says one more fucking catch and you're fucking loose.
Tell him thanks.
He says thanks.
- No problem, friend-o.
No problem, fuck face.
Thank y Great.
Oh, wait! Tell him Mickey's a fucking idiot.
Mickey's a fucking Wait! Oh, yeah, for sure.
We'll cut him loose.
We'll cut him loose like a fart Hold on Wait a second Damn! You wanna know who my brother's using to get sandwiches into the yard? Yeah, I do.
You're not gonna like it.
He's using a catcher, a member of your crew.
Johnny.
I don't believe you.
The only reason I told Nick about Johnny You know what? I don't even know why I told him.
I guess I felt bad that his supposed friend was betraying him and what my brother was doing to him, but I was just trying to do him a favour.
I took a big risk coming to talk to him.
If my brother found out, he'd freak.
And repays me by calling me a liar.
You are such a jackass.
I didn't want to believe her, but deep down I knew she was telling the truth.
I should have seen it all along.
I just gotta take a boo.
Due number two.
I gotta take a crap.
But I guess it never occurred to me that my best friend would betray me.
Look, Nick, what Johnny's doing is wrong, but the way the whole peanut trade works is even wronger.
What are you talking about? I'm talking about, it's easy for kids to get sucked in 'because it seems like easy money.
This time it was Johnny, the next time it'll be some other kid.
The only way to end the cycle is to change the way the whole system works.
What are you saying? I'm saying you should take it over and do it right.
Oh, come on, J.
J.
, you know I wouldn't touch this shit.
I mean, it's too risky, too dangerous.
Yeah, but we're smarter than those guys.
If we took it over, we could do it right-- Fresh bread, fair prices.
We could buy EpiPens so the kids who are allergic could be safe.
I don't know.
Nick, this whole thing, it's torn our crew apart.
At least think about it.
When I found out about Johnny, my first plan was to walk up to him and punch him in the nose.
But then the more I thought about it, I realized that wouldn't really change things.
Let's hook back outside.
Hey, Johnny, we should go shoot hoops after this.
You wanna go shoot hoops? Um That would be great, Nick.
I'd like to shoot hoops more than you can imagine.
But I gotta do number two.
I'll meet you outside.
You know what? I'm begin to suspect you have irritating bowel syndrome.
No, I'm good.
What do we got here? What do we got here? Hey, invisible guy.
Hey.
Listen, this is my last time.
Well, it's been nice working with you.
Here.
Catch.
You with the bag, stop! Stop right there! Get your freaking hands in the air! Keep 'em up! What is that? Something's going on.
Screws are busting someone! Who? Who is that? Oh, my God! Hey, guys, Johnny got busted! What the hell would he get busted for? Oh, he's in so much trouble, man.
I'm so sorry, Nick.
I'm so sorry.
I can't believe Johnny would do that to Nick.
That's, like, the one thing he told us not to do.
It was a stupid thing to do.
But four days suspension for getting kids peanut butter sandwiches? It seems harsh! And the thing is, it doesn't matter how many times kids get suspended.
It's not gonna stop kids from smuggling PB&Js into the yard.
And all that's going to happen to Johnny is he's going to miss a math quiz.
How's that going to make him a better kid? It's going to make him dumber! Pff! And he was already pretty fucking dumb as it was.
Thanks for meeting me, Nick.
Listen, man.
We're all really busted up about how things went down with Johnny.
I know he's a friend of yours, but he's a friend of ours too.
Look, he's not my friend anymore.
What do you mean? You guys have been tight since kindergarten.
Now in his time of need you're just going to drop him like that? Guess so.
That's cold, man.
I like it.
See how that worked? Having Johnny owe me 40 bucks was the best money I ever spent.
Look, I got a free catcher, I got one of Nick's crew suspended, and I got Nick to turn his back on one of his best friends.
Which he never fucking does.
It must be killing him.
Now his whole crew is like a chicken with one of its wings cut off.
Yeah, fucking flapping around in circles and shit.
I think I got pretty good value for my money.
Don't you? Four days later, Johnny came back from his suspension.
While he was gone, I kept hoping Nick would forgive him and think about what I'd said, but it seemed like his mind was made up.
Nick, I'm back.
I came back.
Shouldn't you be over there with your new friends? Nick, come on! The only reason I did it is 'cause I was set up.
It doesn't matter why you did it.
You did it.
That's why I have to turn my back on you.
Nick! Look, you and I are finished! Got it? From now on, you're invisible to me.
Now get the fuck off my slide! Sorry, Johnny.
It's okay, Suzi.
I understand.
I'm sorry you're such a retarded nut gargler, that is! He's all yours, Frankie.
Nick doesn't want him anymore.
What makes you think I want him? Why would we hire a loser like you? 'Cause I already got a delivery set up for this afternoon, and this one's for free.
Why the fuck would you do that? 'Cause I got nothing left to lose.
Why should we trust you? You fucking screwed over your best friend.
He's not my friend anymore.
All right, Johnny.
Let's see what you got.
Uh, Frankie, I'm not sure this is a great idea.
Shut up.
Let me do the thinking.
This is what I live for.
The kid's spirit was crushed.
He's mine.
Psst! Frankie.
Nice work, kid.
No problem.
Bon appétit.
The fuck you call me? Yeah, you calling him fag? Ferme la douche, Pork Chop.
It's French.
Keep up the good work, kid.
Hey, man, yo, uh, right here.
Show me the money, bitch.
Now, get lost.
Yeah, okay.
You have fresh stuff? Show me the Laurier.
One.
That's what I'm talking about.
Here you go.
Get out of here.
Once I knew Johnny was lying to me, I had to come up with a plan.
You knew Johnny was lying to you? Yeah, I knew it the whole time.
Mary told me.
But why didn't you do anything? I did.
I sat back and waited for him to get busted, as I knew he would.
Then, when he did, I made this huge deal about turning my back on him.
From now on, you're invisible to me But that was only to get Frankie's trust when he came back.
Why the fuck would you do that? 'Cause I got nothing left to lose.
So we could plant the tainted sandwiches in the bag.
Then the kids would turn against Frankie, and I could take over the peanut racket.
Ahh! What is it? What's wrong? This is shit! This isn't PBJ! This is a shit sandwich! Aww! Nobody eat these sandwiches! They're contaminated! They're tainted with feces! What's feces? The peanut butter's shit! How much did you eat? What the fuck, Frankie! Hey, Johnny caught the bag! It's all Johnny's fault.
Don't blame Johnny, Frankie.
You saying you don't control what you sell? You don't stand behind it? What? We can't be held responsible for every sandwich that we sell! You hear that everyone? He's not responsible! You sell peanut butter sandwiches because I let you.
It's a privilege, and with great privilege comes great responsibility.
And since you won't take responsibility, as of today, I'm taking over the peanut racket, and I guarantee every sandwich I sell.
You can't do that.
I think I just did.
So, Nick, why did you decide to take over the PB&J racket? Well, I saw what was happening when the wrong people ran it.
Yeah, but now that we're running it, we can do it right, with epi-injector sites and fair prices, because the way Frankie and Mickey were doing it, someone was bound to get hurt, and not just the allergic kids.
Friendships were being torn apart, and everything was getting messed up.
Yeah.
The game, the life, it makes people do things that they wouldn't normally do.
My friend was lying to my face and going behind my back.
Yeah.
The whole thing was an act.
Nick was never really mad at me.
Well he was a little.
But he forgave me.
Oh, I wouldn't go that far.
But you forgive me now? Of course I forgive you, Johnny.
Now, I need you to get to work.
What are you talking about? I got a bag for you to catch.