There's... Johnny! (2017) s01e04 Episode Script
Take Me to Church
1 And how are your balls? - My balls? - Your balls.
The family jewels.
Your coin purse.
They're okay.
Actually, very okay.
These are surprisingly comfortable.
I know, right? You know, it ain't just anyone who gets to be Spear Holder Number Four.
I know! I can't believe I get to be in a "Tonight Show" sketch.
Okay, I am not going to this wedding.
Oh, yes, you are, and you're gonna be the most stunning bridesmaid there.
- Help me.
- Mm-hmm.
Come here.
Let's go.
Tuna fish is a funny sandwich.
Gentlemen, much like the Duchess of Windsor, we are royally fucked.
You know the clips we were going to use on the anniversary show? Turns out, there are no clips.
Yeah, that's right.
The entire first ten years of the show have been lost.
- Lost? - How? - How did that happen? - Because someone, and nobody will say who, decided it was a great idea to reuse the tapes.
So they recorded over them.
That's right.
All the tapes, the whole ten years gone to save seven dollars.
- Jesus Christ.
- Oh, that's incredible.
Oh, Monsieur Carson was not pleased.
Is my asshole still wincing? Yay.
- Okay, so, uh - So we need jokes.
We need sketches.
Comedy.
You know, that thing you allegedly do in here.
Do we know who the guests are gonna be? - This just happened.
- Okay, so So we'll give you a list of possibles.
You'll work from there.
In the meantime, come up with a wish list of people you'd like to see on the show.
You'll put on the people we want? No.
But you won't know that till much later.
Carry on.
What was that Nixon bit you had? I have no idea what to get them for a wedding gift.
Aren't they registered somewhere? Yeah, but that's just so "You said you wanted a gravy boat, "so here's a gravy boat.
" It's so unimaginative.
Well, you can get them something later, right? I thought of that, but then you're showing up empty-handed, and everybody else has a gift, and you look shitty and cheap.
I'll figure it out.
Oh, my God, this dress! - Ugh.
- Greetings, I Oh, well, I haven't seen this particular production before, but I'm sure it's a knockout.
I have a wedding on Sunday.
Of course.
May I borrow the lad? So I understand through the office grapevine that you're looking to join a place of worship.
Yes, sir, I am.
I for one salute you.
Well, thanks.
You know, I've always - Still talking.
- Sorry.
I think it's particularly admirable in this day and age of protests and drugs and God-knows-what for a young man to seek religious guidance.
- Well, thank you.
- Again - Sorry.
- Now, I'm not sure what type of service you're accustomed to in Nebraska, but I would like to invite you to join me and the lovely Mrs.
de Cordova this Sunday at our humble Church of the Holy Lamb in Beverly Hills.
Go to church with you and your wife? Unless it would sully your standing in the community to be seen with us.
No, that's not what I meant.
I would like that very much.
- Splendid.
Sunday, 9:00.
- Thank you.
And you'll wear pants, yes? Yes, yes.
Splendid.
As American casualties continue to mount, President Nixon today vowed to settle the war on favorable terms.
Through negotiations between Kissinger and the North Vietnamese, the president warned - [PHONE RINGS.]
- that if major progress has not been made by November, he will be compelled, albeit reluctantly - Hello.
- Mom, hi.
It's me.
Oh, Andy.
Honey, it's Andy.
- Hey, is he okay? - Are you okay? I'm great.
Guess what! I'm going to be in a comedy sketch.
- A sketch? - Mm-hmm, on the show.
They need an extra person to whole a spear - With Mr.
Carson? - Yes.
And you're not going to believe who else.
Guess who.
Charlton Heston.
- Ahhh! - Your favorite! You are going to be on the show - What? - with Charlton Heston? Chuck! [LAUGHS.]
Please, will you just tell that man that your mother in Nebraska thinks he's just Wonderfully handsome? Mom, I probably won't even get to talk to the man, because Honey, this is just plain wonderful, darling.
Just wonderful.
[JAZZ MUSIC.]
How do they know there's only one calorie? Right? Like what, do they got a guy that's just sitting in there counting the calories? How do they know an extra calorie doesn't sneak in? Like some Soviet spy calorie.
Okay, I'm with you.
I know it's not funny yet all right, but trust me there's funny in there, and, boys, I shall find it.
You still haven't told him.
I haven't had the heart.
Boys, have you met my son, Joseph? - Hey, Joseph.
- How you doing, Joseph? He's spending the day at work with Mom.
It's just giving me anxiety at this point.
- Hey, tell me about it.
- I know, but somebody has I'll figure out a time to tell him.
- I'll tell him on Friday.
- Not that it's my business, but you didn't accidentally glance at a folder on Freddie's desk marked "confidential," did you? - Folder on Freddie's - Freddie's office is private.
- No, no.
- We wouldn't be in Well, just in case you did, you should know that Freddie leaves fake memos inside fake folders marked "confidential" all the time.
He got tired of writers snooping around his desk every time contracts were up for renewal.
He likes to keep you all guessing, for his amusement.
So whatever you did or didn't see, just know that it means absolutely nothing.
But you said you didn't see anything, right? Confidential folder, no.
I haven't been in Freddie's office - Why why would I - Never mind.
- Okay.
- Come on now.
So I'm not necessarily not getting fired.
I don't know what kind of church it is.
But I'm sure it's a nice one.
Don't forget to thank Mr.
de Cordova, huh? See, hon, God is watching over you.
When's he gonna be on TV? Dad wants to know when you're gonna be on TV.
Monday, Monday about halfway through the show.
Monday, Monday.
So that's good.
We have the whole weekend to let everyone know.
No, no, Mom.
Please, please don't do that.
Of course we're gonna let everyone know.
We're just so proud of you.
You're [STAMMERS.]
You're a good boy, Andrew.
[ORGAN MUSIC PLAYS.]
Be good.
Don't fool around.
Hey.
Thank you, Kim.
Thank you.
Hey, Joe, how are you? You're rolling.
Great voice this morning.
Good morning.
Sometimes I think Freddie forgets who the real God is, which is why I drag him here every Sunday.
It's called perspective.
That guy kinda looks like Cary Grant.
It is.
Don't point.
And and that guy back there who looks like Burt Lancaster? Burt Lancaster.
Wow.
He likes to beat Freddie at tennis.
He wears the shorts of a seven-year-old.
Less talking, more worship.
[JAZZ MUSIC.]
Anyone else? Yes, my mother-in-law, Clara Henson, who I'm afraid has taken a bit of a turn for the worse this week.
Well, we will certainly hold her in our prayers.
Thank you.
Yes, sir? My sister Charlotte in Minneapolis was in a car accident, and she's gonna be okay but Absolutely, absolutely.
We will hold your sister in our prayers as well.
Anyone else? Doesn't need to be an injury or an illness.
Really anything that's burdening your hearts.
Anyone? I have a pilot script over at NBC that I really hope they put on the air.
Well, I don't know if the Lord is involved in network scheduling, but we'll certainly wish you great success with that.
Anyone else? Anyone else in need of an extra prayer this morning? Yes? Uh, my brother is, uh, serving in Vietnam, and, uh, I just I know that my mom and my dad really worry about him, and I do, too, of course.
So, uh, just Any extra prayers would really be great.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Please join me in saying a prayer for this young man's brother and all of the troops that are in harm's way.
And may we humbly ask the Lord to protect all of our loved ones and all the ones that we hold dear in these very, very difficult times.
Let us all say amen.
ALL: Amen.
[ORGAN MUSIC.]
That was so nice.
Thank you so much for everything.
Okay, I'm Johnny Carson.
You are Charlton Heston.
You just returned back from Rome.
So Johnny walks up and he says, "So how goes the war?" And you say Fuck Nixon? I thought we cut that.
Fuck Nixon? You, Mr.
Innocent, I invite you to my church with my family and my friends, you sit before my godly emissary and you have the balls to say "Fuck Nixon"? - What? - "What? What?" Does this ring a bell? - Oh, my goodness.
- What is that? Some kinda anti-Vietnam protest, you little Commie pissant? Mr.
de Cordova, Mr.
de Cordova, I [OVERLAPPING TALKING.]
You don't write "fuck" in a church.
You don't think "fuck" in a church.
You don't think any fucking thing in a church.
Mr.
de Cordova, I had no idea that this was Have you ever heard Johnny say, "Fuck Nixon"? Or "Fuck the war"? Huh? Have any of you? Do any of you have the faintest idea what Johnny personally thinks about Vietnam or about Nixon? No! You know why? Because it's nobody's goddamn business.
Mr.
de Cordova, I-I-I've never seen this before.
In my office.
Eh-eh-eh, let's go! Get in my office.
Let's go.
We're gonna straighten this out.
Go on.
Uh, but he's Spear Holder Number Four.
The sketch is out.
Heston cancelled.
- Why'd he cancel? - Why? Because Mrs.
Heston was in church yesterday, and she didn't appreciate the political commentary by this little turd-swirl.
- Let's go, come on.
- Turdswirl? Turd-swirl.
And where the hell is Joy? She had a personal emergency or something.
Wonderful! I don't know, I don't know.
I don't know why the gift became such a big thing.
I really don't.
I just got kinda stuck on it.
Like, I didn't want to do the wrong thing.
But I didn't know what the right thing was either.
So you stole someone else's gift? No, I didn't steal someone's gift.
I stole a card that was on a gift, and I wrote my name on the wrapping paper.
Okay, yeah, I stole someone's gift.
- It was stupid! - Well Thank you for squeezing me in, by the way.
I know I haven't been here in a while.
I've just been really busy at work, and That's okay.
Look, we all make choices, which upon reflection might seem not the best choice.
But it helps to ask ourselves why.
What was the feeling beneath that choice? What feeling? About the wedding.
About those two getting married.
Oh, I felt great about that.
I introduced the two of them.
I know.
No, Sarah is a sweetheart and was one of my best friends in college, and Justin I've known since I was five.
Our families are like this.
He's practically my brother, no.
Well, we did go out for, like, a minute junior year, but it was so ridiculous.
The one time we tried having sex, we just cracked up and ended up watching "Green Acres.
" No, no.
I love Justin to death, but no, there's nothing like that.
What? [SIGHS.]
Now I remember why I stopped coming here.
That's wonderful.
[CHUCKLES.]
Well, we we certainly thank you, Padre.
You're very forgiving.
Oh, not at all.
Not at all, Freddie.
I'm a pretty good judge of character, and I sense that your young friend I'm sorry, is it Andy? Yes, sir.
Andy.
Andy, you don't strike me as the kinda kid who would do something like that intentionally.
No, no, I would never.
Well, anyway, once again, Father, thank you very much.
You're a good man.
Well, as are you, Freddie.
As are you.
Ah, oh, come on.
You, go.
You know, which reminds me.
I wanted to speak to you about our building fun.
Building fund? Psst! Well, yes Freddie, your support and your kindness has been so treasured over the years for the church here and Well, it's it's been my pleasure, Father.
Tell me, how can I help? Really? That much? Father, could you just hang on for one second? I'll be right back.
You get three strikes in this town.
And I don't care how much you think Johnny's looking out for you, this is strike fucking one on you.
[GRUNTS.]
Um, sorry, Father.
Just getting my checkbook.
So tell me, what was that amount again? Oh, okay.
No, I just thought I misheard.
I think Um, yeah, in my heart Justin was always the kinda guy you end up with.
Just the sweetest, good guy, but But you didn't want that? No.
Well, not then.
Maybe not now either.
I don't know.
And what about him? Did he want that? With me? I don't know.
[GENTLE MUSIC.]
Probably.
Yeah.
I know he did.
Well, this is not really new for you, Joy.
Not wanting what you have.
Wanting what I can't have.
So what'd you do about the gift? Oh, I sorted that out.
Yeah, I went over there that night, and I explained everything.
And I, um, apologized.
I went out after the ceremony and bought this very beautiful antique quilt.
Fucking expensive, too.
Thank you, sweetie.
Well, okay, so you made a choice to do the right thing.
Good for you, Joy.
You mean so much to us.
Meanwhile, I have to bring these cold cuts over to my parents.
Why they need 12 pounds of turkey, which isn't even good turkey, I have no idea.
You want me to run that over, baby? Oh, no thank you, sweetie.
Be easier for me.
Plus, maybe I will get to have one more fight with them today.
Okay, you two stay.
Eat some cannoli.
We only have 4,000 left.
[JANGLY POP MUSIC PLAYS.]
Never ever let you go [SOMBER MUSIC.]
I'm such a piece of shit.
Well, I woke up this morning and had a bowl of corn flakes.
[SQUEAKING.]
Then I went down and started up the car.
[SQUEAKING.]
Then a motorcycle gang charged up.
[SQUEAKING.]
But fortunately, the atom bomb went off.
[SQUEAKING.]
- Listen - I can do any sound.
Can you actually? I'm not exactly sure why the sketch was cancelled.
Oh, honey, I'm sorry.
You must be terribly disappointed.
I'm mostly disappointed for you.
Oh, no, no, no.
Don't you even worry.
Mom, I knew how happy it would make you guys - seeing me on TV.
- Oh, wait a minute.
We have to call back everyone we just called and tell them they don't have to watch now.
I told you, you shouldn't have called everybody.
Well, I did.
I did call everybody, and I'm glad I did.
All you're gonna do is embarrass yourself.
I'm not embarrassed.
I thing Hollywood.
All right, what do you do in Hollywood? - I work for a living.
- Oh, good, well that's Keeps you busy most of the day, I suppose, huh? All right.
Well, everybody's got to have something to do.
How'd your folks take it? You missed your TV debut.
Uh, you know, it's They just don't get a lot of good news, and I like when I can bring them good news.
- That's your work.
- Yeah.
Well, I'm glad we cleared that up.
[LAUGHTER.]
Why aren't these in Johnny's hand? Give 'em to me.
I'll do it.
- Come on, come on, come on.
- Take these to Johnny, go.
- Take 'em.
Go, go, go.
- Me? Making believe you're here.
- Oh, shit! - No.
AT&T is down [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE.]
Thank you, Andy.
Dinner for two at O'Delice's Restaurant.
Is that the way you pronounce that, O'Delice's? O'Delice? It's in Sherman Oaks.
He wanted to be on TV.
Good job, kiddo.
Your folks are gonna love that.
Was that on camera? Every second.
Hey, it's funnier than holding a spear.
All right, gentlemen.
Thank you very much.
You're a lovely audience.
We'll return after word from one of our sponsors, - and we'll come back.
- [APPLAUSE.]
Mom, call everybody back.
I am going to be on the show tonight.
Oh, oh, sweetheart, that's wonderful.
He is gonna be on the show after all.
- Oh, great! - Yeah.
- But it's not the gladiator sketch.
- Okay.
It's actually really funny what happened.
Oh, sweetie, tell me, tell me.
Okay, so you know how Johnny does that whole that whole thing with the band and Doc where they get an audience member to come up with a song that Doc doesn't know.
Well, so tonight we're all standing there, and, you know, I was in a bad mood because I thought I was gonna get to go on the show [DAMON'S "SONG OF A GYPSY".]
And he says, "Someone needs to take these to Johnny.
" And Mike says to me, "Take these to Johnny" Today I feel Like crying Today I feel Like dying Today I feel like nothing is real Mom, you're there, right? Mom? Mom? Hello? There's something Inside of me brewing They think it will lead To my ruin And they look at me But I want them to see That inside I'm only human Please Please Why can't they see That I just want to be That I just want to live I just want to love Love Love
The family jewels.
Your coin purse.
They're okay.
Actually, very okay.
These are surprisingly comfortable.
I know, right? You know, it ain't just anyone who gets to be Spear Holder Number Four.
I know! I can't believe I get to be in a "Tonight Show" sketch.
Okay, I am not going to this wedding.
Oh, yes, you are, and you're gonna be the most stunning bridesmaid there.
- Help me.
- Mm-hmm.
Come here.
Let's go.
Tuna fish is a funny sandwich.
Gentlemen, much like the Duchess of Windsor, we are royally fucked.
You know the clips we were going to use on the anniversary show? Turns out, there are no clips.
Yeah, that's right.
The entire first ten years of the show have been lost.
- Lost? - How? - How did that happen? - Because someone, and nobody will say who, decided it was a great idea to reuse the tapes.
So they recorded over them.
That's right.
All the tapes, the whole ten years gone to save seven dollars.
- Jesus Christ.
- Oh, that's incredible.
Oh, Monsieur Carson was not pleased.
Is my asshole still wincing? Yay.
- Okay, so, uh - So we need jokes.
We need sketches.
Comedy.
You know, that thing you allegedly do in here.
Do we know who the guests are gonna be? - This just happened.
- Okay, so So we'll give you a list of possibles.
You'll work from there.
In the meantime, come up with a wish list of people you'd like to see on the show.
You'll put on the people we want? No.
But you won't know that till much later.
Carry on.
What was that Nixon bit you had? I have no idea what to get them for a wedding gift.
Aren't they registered somewhere? Yeah, but that's just so "You said you wanted a gravy boat, "so here's a gravy boat.
" It's so unimaginative.
Well, you can get them something later, right? I thought of that, but then you're showing up empty-handed, and everybody else has a gift, and you look shitty and cheap.
I'll figure it out.
Oh, my God, this dress! - Ugh.
- Greetings, I Oh, well, I haven't seen this particular production before, but I'm sure it's a knockout.
I have a wedding on Sunday.
Of course.
May I borrow the lad? So I understand through the office grapevine that you're looking to join a place of worship.
Yes, sir, I am.
I for one salute you.
Well, thanks.
You know, I've always - Still talking.
- Sorry.
I think it's particularly admirable in this day and age of protests and drugs and God-knows-what for a young man to seek religious guidance.
- Well, thank you.
- Again - Sorry.
- Now, I'm not sure what type of service you're accustomed to in Nebraska, but I would like to invite you to join me and the lovely Mrs.
de Cordova this Sunday at our humble Church of the Holy Lamb in Beverly Hills.
Go to church with you and your wife? Unless it would sully your standing in the community to be seen with us.
No, that's not what I meant.
I would like that very much.
- Splendid.
Sunday, 9:00.
- Thank you.
And you'll wear pants, yes? Yes, yes.
Splendid.
As American casualties continue to mount, President Nixon today vowed to settle the war on favorable terms.
Through negotiations between Kissinger and the North Vietnamese, the president warned - [PHONE RINGS.]
- that if major progress has not been made by November, he will be compelled, albeit reluctantly - Hello.
- Mom, hi.
It's me.
Oh, Andy.
Honey, it's Andy.
- Hey, is he okay? - Are you okay? I'm great.
Guess what! I'm going to be in a comedy sketch.
- A sketch? - Mm-hmm, on the show.
They need an extra person to whole a spear - With Mr.
Carson? - Yes.
And you're not going to believe who else.
Guess who.
Charlton Heston.
- Ahhh! - Your favorite! You are going to be on the show - What? - with Charlton Heston? Chuck! [LAUGHS.]
Please, will you just tell that man that your mother in Nebraska thinks he's just Wonderfully handsome? Mom, I probably won't even get to talk to the man, because Honey, this is just plain wonderful, darling.
Just wonderful.
[JAZZ MUSIC.]
How do they know there's only one calorie? Right? Like what, do they got a guy that's just sitting in there counting the calories? How do they know an extra calorie doesn't sneak in? Like some Soviet spy calorie.
Okay, I'm with you.
I know it's not funny yet all right, but trust me there's funny in there, and, boys, I shall find it.
You still haven't told him.
I haven't had the heart.
Boys, have you met my son, Joseph? - Hey, Joseph.
- How you doing, Joseph? He's spending the day at work with Mom.
It's just giving me anxiety at this point.
- Hey, tell me about it.
- I know, but somebody has I'll figure out a time to tell him.
- I'll tell him on Friday.
- Not that it's my business, but you didn't accidentally glance at a folder on Freddie's desk marked "confidential," did you? - Folder on Freddie's - Freddie's office is private.
- No, no.
- We wouldn't be in Well, just in case you did, you should know that Freddie leaves fake memos inside fake folders marked "confidential" all the time.
He got tired of writers snooping around his desk every time contracts were up for renewal.
He likes to keep you all guessing, for his amusement.
So whatever you did or didn't see, just know that it means absolutely nothing.
But you said you didn't see anything, right? Confidential folder, no.
I haven't been in Freddie's office - Why why would I - Never mind.
- Okay.
- Come on now.
So I'm not necessarily not getting fired.
I don't know what kind of church it is.
But I'm sure it's a nice one.
Don't forget to thank Mr.
de Cordova, huh? See, hon, God is watching over you.
When's he gonna be on TV? Dad wants to know when you're gonna be on TV.
Monday, Monday about halfway through the show.
Monday, Monday.
So that's good.
We have the whole weekend to let everyone know.
No, no, Mom.
Please, please don't do that.
Of course we're gonna let everyone know.
We're just so proud of you.
You're [STAMMERS.]
You're a good boy, Andrew.
[ORGAN MUSIC PLAYS.]
Be good.
Don't fool around.
Hey.
Thank you, Kim.
Thank you.
Hey, Joe, how are you? You're rolling.
Great voice this morning.
Good morning.
Sometimes I think Freddie forgets who the real God is, which is why I drag him here every Sunday.
It's called perspective.
That guy kinda looks like Cary Grant.
It is.
Don't point.
And and that guy back there who looks like Burt Lancaster? Burt Lancaster.
Wow.
He likes to beat Freddie at tennis.
He wears the shorts of a seven-year-old.
Less talking, more worship.
[JAZZ MUSIC.]
Anyone else? Yes, my mother-in-law, Clara Henson, who I'm afraid has taken a bit of a turn for the worse this week.
Well, we will certainly hold her in our prayers.
Thank you.
Yes, sir? My sister Charlotte in Minneapolis was in a car accident, and she's gonna be okay but Absolutely, absolutely.
We will hold your sister in our prayers as well.
Anyone else? Doesn't need to be an injury or an illness.
Really anything that's burdening your hearts.
Anyone? I have a pilot script over at NBC that I really hope they put on the air.
Well, I don't know if the Lord is involved in network scheduling, but we'll certainly wish you great success with that.
Anyone else? Anyone else in need of an extra prayer this morning? Yes? Uh, my brother is, uh, serving in Vietnam, and, uh, I just I know that my mom and my dad really worry about him, and I do, too, of course.
So, uh, just Any extra prayers would really be great.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Please join me in saying a prayer for this young man's brother and all of the troops that are in harm's way.
And may we humbly ask the Lord to protect all of our loved ones and all the ones that we hold dear in these very, very difficult times.
Let us all say amen.
ALL: Amen.
[ORGAN MUSIC.]
That was so nice.
Thank you so much for everything.
Okay, I'm Johnny Carson.
You are Charlton Heston.
You just returned back from Rome.
So Johnny walks up and he says, "So how goes the war?" And you say Fuck Nixon? I thought we cut that.
Fuck Nixon? You, Mr.
Innocent, I invite you to my church with my family and my friends, you sit before my godly emissary and you have the balls to say "Fuck Nixon"? - What? - "What? What?" Does this ring a bell? - Oh, my goodness.
- What is that? Some kinda anti-Vietnam protest, you little Commie pissant? Mr.
de Cordova, Mr.
de Cordova, I [OVERLAPPING TALKING.]
You don't write "fuck" in a church.
You don't think "fuck" in a church.
You don't think any fucking thing in a church.
Mr.
de Cordova, I had no idea that this was Have you ever heard Johnny say, "Fuck Nixon"? Or "Fuck the war"? Huh? Have any of you? Do any of you have the faintest idea what Johnny personally thinks about Vietnam or about Nixon? No! You know why? Because it's nobody's goddamn business.
Mr.
de Cordova, I-I-I've never seen this before.
In my office.
Eh-eh-eh, let's go! Get in my office.
Let's go.
We're gonna straighten this out.
Go on.
Uh, but he's Spear Holder Number Four.
The sketch is out.
Heston cancelled.
- Why'd he cancel? - Why? Because Mrs.
Heston was in church yesterday, and she didn't appreciate the political commentary by this little turd-swirl.
- Let's go, come on.
- Turdswirl? Turd-swirl.
And where the hell is Joy? She had a personal emergency or something.
Wonderful! I don't know, I don't know.
I don't know why the gift became such a big thing.
I really don't.
I just got kinda stuck on it.
Like, I didn't want to do the wrong thing.
But I didn't know what the right thing was either.
So you stole someone else's gift? No, I didn't steal someone's gift.
I stole a card that was on a gift, and I wrote my name on the wrapping paper.
Okay, yeah, I stole someone's gift.
- It was stupid! - Well Thank you for squeezing me in, by the way.
I know I haven't been here in a while.
I've just been really busy at work, and That's okay.
Look, we all make choices, which upon reflection might seem not the best choice.
But it helps to ask ourselves why.
What was the feeling beneath that choice? What feeling? About the wedding.
About those two getting married.
Oh, I felt great about that.
I introduced the two of them.
I know.
No, Sarah is a sweetheart and was one of my best friends in college, and Justin I've known since I was five.
Our families are like this.
He's practically my brother, no.
Well, we did go out for, like, a minute junior year, but it was so ridiculous.
The one time we tried having sex, we just cracked up and ended up watching "Green Acres.
" No, no.
I love Justin to death, but no, there's nothing like that.
What? [SIGHS.]
Now I remember why I stopped coming here.
That's wonderful.
[CHUCKLES.]
Well, we we certainly thank you, Padre.
You're very forgiving.
Oh, not at all.
Not at all, Freddie.
I'm a pretty good judge of character, and I sense that your young friend I'm sorry, is it Andy? Yes, sir.
Andy.
Andy, you don't strike me as the kinda kid who would do something like that intentionally.
No, no, I would never.
Well, anyway, once again, Father, thank you very much.
You're a good man.
Well, as are you, Freddie.
As are you.
Ah, oh, come on.
You, go.
You know, which reminds me.
I wanted to speak to you about our building fun.
Building fund? Psst! Well, yes Freddie, your support and your kindness has been so treasured over the years for the church here and Well, it's it's been my pleasure, Father.
Tell me, how can I help? Really? That much? Father, could you just hang on for one second? I'll be right back.
You get three strikes in this town.
And I don't care how much you think Johnny's looking out for you, this is strike fucking one on you.
[GRUNTS.]
Um, sorry, Father.
Just getting my checkbook.
So tell me, what was that amount again? Oh, okay.
No, I just thought I misheard.
I think Um, yeah, in my heart Justin was always the kinda guy you end up with.
Just the sweetest, good guy, but But you didn't want that? No.
Well, not then.
Maybe not now either.
I don't know.
And what about him? Did he want that? With me? I don't know.
[GENTLE MUSIC.]
Probably.
Yeah.
I know he did.
Well, this is not really new for you, Joy.
Not wanting what you have.
Wanting what I can't have.
So what'd you do about the gift? Oh, I sorted that out.
Yeah, I went over there that night, and I explained everything.
And I, um, apologized.
I went out after the ceremony and bought this very beautiful antique quilt.
Fucking expensive, too.
Thank you, sweetie.
Well, okay, so you made a choice to do the right thing.
Good for you, Joy.
You mean so much to us.
Meanwhile, I have to bring these cold cuts over to my parents.
Why they need 12 pounds of turkey, which isn't even good turkey, I have no idea.
You want me to run that over, baby? Oh, no thank you, sweetie.
Be easier for me.
Plus, maybe I will get to have one more fight with them today.
Okay, you two stay.
Eat some cannoli.
We only have 4,000 left.
[JANGLY POP MUSIC PLAYS.]
Never ever let you go [SOMBER MUSIC.]
I'm such a piece of shit.
Well, I woke up this morning and had a bowl of corn flakes.
[SQUEAKING.]
Then I went down and started up the car.
[SQUEAKING.]
Then a motorcycle gang charged up.
[SQUEAKING.]
But fortunately, the atom bomb went off.
[SQUEAKING.]
- Listen - I can do any sound.
Can you actually? I'm not exactly sure why the sketch was cancelled.
Oh, honey, I'm sorry.
You must be terribly disappointed.
I'm mostly disappointed for you.
Oh, no, no, no.
Don't you even worry.
Mom, I knew how happy it would make you guys - seeing me on TV.
- Oh, wait a minute.
We have to call back everyone we just called and tell them they don't have to watch now.
I told you, you shouldn't have called everybody.
Well, I did.
I did call everybody, and I'm glad I did.
All you're gonna do is embarrass yourself.
I'm not embarrassed.
I thing Hollywood.
All right, what do you do in Hollywood? - I work for a living.
- Oh, good, well that's Keeps you busy most of the day, I suppose, huh? All right.
Well, everybody's got to have something to do.
How'd your folks take it? You missed your TV debut.
Uh, you know, it's They just don't get a lot of good news, and I like when I can bring them good news.
- That's your work.
- Yeah.
Well, I'm glad we cleared that up.
[LAUGHTER.]
Why aren't these in Johnny's hand? Give 'em to me.
I'll do it.
- Come on, come on, come on.
- Take these to Johnny, go.
- Take 'em.
Go, go, go.
- Me? Making believe you're here.
- Oh, shit! - No.
AT&T is down [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE.]
Thank you, Andy.
Dinner for two at O'Delice's Restaurant.
Is that the way you pronounce that, O'Delice's? O'Delice? It's in Sherman Oaks.
He wanted to be on TV.
Good job, kiddo.
Your folks are gonna love that.
Was that on camera? Every second.
Hey, it's funnier than holding a spear.
All right, gentlemen.
Thank you very much.
You're a lovely audience.
We'll return after word from one of our sponsors, - and we'll come back.
- [APPLAUSE.]
Mom, call everybody back.
I am going to be on the show tonight.
Oh, oh, sweetheart, that's wonderful.
He is gonna be on the show after all.
- Oh, great! - Yeah.
- But it's not the gladiator sketch.
- Okay.
It's actually really funny what happened.
Oh, sweetie, tell me, tell me.
Okay, so you know how Johnny does that whole that whole thing with the band and Doc where they get an audience member to come up with a song that Doc doesn't know.
Well, so tonight we're all standing there, and, you know, I was in a bad mood because I thought I was gonna get to go on the show [DAMON'S "SONG OF A GYPSY".]
And he says, "Someone needs to take these to Johnny.
" And Mike says to me, "Take these to Johnny" Today I feel Like crying Today I feel Like dying Today I feel like nothing is real Mom, you're there, right? Mom? Mom? Hello? There's something Inside of me brewing They think it will lead To my ruin And they look at me But I want them to see That inside I'm only human Please Please Why can't they see That I just want to be That I just want to live I just want to love Love Love