Thirtysomething (1987) s01e04 Episode Script

1 Are you okay? You want to talk about it? What's there to talk about? Admit it.
You were totally freaked out by the naked display of raw emotion.
And you, a Mediterranean Semitic person, found it invigorating? No.
Actually, I was totally freaked out by the naked display of raw emotion.
I'm having a Presbyterian sleep reflex.
Every sign of conflict You bet.
I'm going to sleep.
What are you doing here? We thought we'd go to our house, where we live.
At 10:00? How was she? Oh, we set each other's hair and talked about boys.
Set off a grenade? Yeah.
Well, uh, we had a small battle of the wills.
She won.
So, Melissa, did you read our diaries? Try out our secret sexual paraphernalia? Isn't that what you're paying me for? We're paying you? You would not believe what we witnessed tonight.
Oh, yeah.
It was a lovely evening.
Nancy and Elliot had this huge fight.
I love fights.
Anybody get hit? People should never argue.
They should be nice.
They should talk about golf scores and drink highballs.
What was it about? Oh, I think it was about the impossibility of having a life, marriage and going out to dinner at overpriced restaurants.
Why did he have to grab her? He didn't grab her.
He did grab her.
He twisted her arm.
Oh! He did not twist her arm.
Guys, guys, get your stories straight.
That doesn't sound like much of a fight.
I can't believe you're home at 10:00.
I could've had a date if I knew you were coming home at 10:00.
If I knew someone who was available and not married or gay and who I even liked sort of just a little bit.
Well, I guess I'm going to go have some fun now.
Let me not pay you.
You can not pay me tomorrow.
He did too grab her.
Here we are.
Enjoy your dinner.
- Good evening.
May I help you? - Hi.
- Two for dinner? - Yeah.
We're looking for our wives.
They've been waiting here a couple of minutes.
I'll take you there.
It took us 45 minutes to get here.
I'm really sorry.
Follow me.
How's everything over here? Yum, yum, yum.
Soft-shell crab.
I'm not gonna eat any animal where I have to eat its house, too.
$28 for scallops.
You think that's expensive? Can I get you something to drink, or would you care to speak to our sommelier? I don't speak sommelier.
Maybe you can translate.
He has enough trouble with his own language.
You did not.
Get out of here.
I did, too.
You wanna bet? Yeah, but she forgot it all, so what's the difference? No, you never forget stuff like that.
I mean, I could do it again right now.
Spare us, please.
Elliot hates anything having to do with high school because he thought he was such a geek.
Ohh! What do you mean you could do it right now? - Do it right now.
- I mean, I can't do it right now.
You said you could do it right now.
Do it right now.
- Yeah.
- - You want me to do it right now? - Yes! Yes! Yes! - Okay.
Okay, I will.
- Yes! - All right! Just a minute 'cause I have to get my skirt up.
All right, you guys.
You gotta clap for me or something.
Grove City girl.
Marching down the field.
Here we go, boys.
Ready, team.
- That's the name of the game.
- Rah, rah, rah! Ta-da! Great.
That was real cute.
What? I thought you'd like it.
You're always yelling I'm not sexy enough, and I thought that you would like that.
Three hours earlier, I'm asking you for the same thing.
- You're calling me a vile person.
- No, no.
Three hours earlier I don't know what we should do.
Look, if you want to talk about it, let's go back in the kitchen! - Don't worry about them! - Let go of me! - Don't worry about them! - Stop it! Come on.
Look, you want to ask them? Ask them.
When's the last time you guys made love, huh? Look, don't walk away from me, damn it! It's okay to sleep.
They'll still be miserable in the morning.
Oh, no.
Don't push me.
- Hello? - We're back here.
- Hi.
- Hi.
I saw your car, and I figured you had to be someplace.
Oh, yes.
We're just prospecting for worms and bugs and rocks.
Rocks.
Rocks are definitely the best.
- Hi, sweetie.
- Okay, girl.
Enough rocks for you.
Come on.
In you go.
You wanna get in there with her? Come on.
You can play with the toys.
- Oh, my goodness, look at all these toys.
- Come on, Brittany.
Here.
Sit down.
Find something to play with.
We were just driving by, and I saw the car.
Well, we're here most of the time.
Oh! You mentioned the other night that you were trying to get Janey to drink from a cup, and I found this one that we've never used.
You didn't have to do that.
Well, you know, we were just driving by.
Thanks a lot.
Here you go, Janey.
Look what you get to destroy.
Oh, look at 'em in there.
They are so cute.
Hi, sweetie.
God, Brittany's gonna be three years old.
I can hardly believe it.
Yeah.
Next week, they're gonna be sneaking cigarettes.
And dating.
Never.
Oh.
Life is so strange.
Um, I'm really sorry about last night.
- That's okay.
- No.
No, really.
- It's, um - I want it.
It's just that we have been having these, uh No, no.
Brittany, no, no, no.
Now you give that toy back to Janey.
Look, if you find her a new one, she'll give you that one.
That's called manipulation.
Yeah.
Well, it's time we get going anyways.
Come on.
Let me get you some coffee.
I haven't had a caffeine hit in 15 minutes.
No, really.
Thanks.
We have got to find a place to have Brittany's birthday party, right? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
Well, you can't have a regular birthday party anymore.
- It has to be a theme party.
- I can't wait.
Oh, no.
You'll be fine here.
Half the problem is finding a yard big enough to fit a traveling circus or a rocket ship.
- Whichever's more expensive.
- Well, why don't you have it here? Are you kidding? No.
No, no, no.
I wouldn't do that to you.
But thanks, really.
Sure.
Um, wave bye-bye to Janey, sweetie.
- Can you wave bye-bye? - Say good-bye, Janey.
Bye-bye.
Bye.
Bye.
Bye-bye.
Mom! No chocolate today.
No, I mean it.
You're not gonna have chocolate before dinner.
I want chocolate now! We could all use a little treat today, right? - Hello, all barbarians and mothers.
- - Hi, Daddy! Honey, I'm really sorry.
No.
I-I'm sorry.
No, I'm sorry.
Okay.
Now! You hear me? All right! That's it! You're dead! Yeah, real funny.
Well, this time, when I find you, you're dead! I'm not kidding! Oh, God.
I hate them.
More than anything in the world.
There's a baby in this house.
I will not have these disgusting, disease-ridden, invertebrates running through our apricots and tapioca.
- Hah! - Oh, my racquetball shoe! Ohh.
Listen, I'll call the exterminators tomorrow.
They'll spray the place with carcinogens.
They'll come back with mutant strains.
So we'll spray again.
- And Janey will grow up stunted.
- So we'll move.
We can't afford to move.
We can't afford to live here.
What's the difference? I hate everything except Jane 'cause she's perfect.
Yeah.
What's not perfect? Listen, for what it's worth, Elliot was a mess today.
Can we never fight, please? We never do.
I'm gonna go take a shower and wash the sins of mankind off me, not to mention her breakfast, lunch, dinner, and 17 snacks.
Honey, listen.
Listen, listen, listen.
Come here.
We don't need to fight because we have a great thing here.
Do we have a happy marriage? I think you're, like, not supposed to say it out loud.
Holograms, all right? Holograms of this woman's face! And the nose is totally disgusting.
- And what do you do then? - You just show a change! Right there! Right in front of your eyes! And then And then And then And then just letters.
Just "Steven Capiter, Reconstructive Surgery.
" Because only perfection will do.
" So you think of something.
You do nothing around here.
Think of something bad.
Oh, no.
You got that covered.
Great time the other night.
Great food.
Great food.
I'm sorry.
I don't know what that was.
I mean, sometimes I get so mad at her, you know? And it's, like, "Whoa.
Who's this person yelling here?" That's pretty weird.
And then, you know, I get up this morning, and it's like the kids are screaming, and the cat's had diarrhea all over the kitchen, and she's making their lunches, and we're talking about when I'm coming home and should I bring anything for dinner.
Do you guys yell? She never yells.
I wanna yell sometimes, but I don't.
Probably be better off if I did yell.
I yell.
I never used to.
Yeah.
Hey, Max.
Where ya been? You're kidding.
Alaska? Did you see any moose? - I just put mousse in it.
- I don't care.
Bullwinkle Moose? I just put Rocky the Squirrel in my hair.
She's gonna be there in some totally clingy outfit, and you're gonna be watching her the whole time.
Stop it.
You know what? Christine's outside with the kids.
We got till 7:30.
Right.
And they haven't eaten yet, and you haven't found the number of the restaurant yet, and I'm in here trying to get re Why do you always do this? You are like a little boy.
How are you gonna pay for the dinner? - You can't pay for the parking.
- Mike.
Good evening.
- Two for dinner? - Huh? We're looking for our wives.
I knew that.
Two cute guys like you.
Soft-shell crabs.
No, I'm not gonna eat any animal where I have to eat its house, too.
- Why don't you try it? - Can I get you something to drink, or would you like to speak to our sommelier? I don't speak sommelier.
Maybe you could translate.
I'm sure he speaks your language.
- You cannot.
- I could, too.
You wanna bet? I mean, I could do it right now.
You could not.
Nancy.
Oh, Elliot's embarrassed.
See, he was such a geek in high school, he couldn't get anywhere near a majorette.
- All right.
- Let me just pull up my skirt a little.
Let's see if I can do this.
Should we sing or something? - Or just watch? - I shouldn't.
- Here.
Are you ready? - Take your time.
Grove City girls and boys - Give a rousing cheer - Every night? Raise our banners to the sky Victory is here Rah, rah, rah - Perfect.
- You liked it? I'm glad they enjoyed that.
I thought you'd be happy.
You're always complaining about how I'm not sexy enough for you.
See? You don't know what you want.
I know exactly what I want.
You just don't want to hear about it, that's all.
No, I am just tired of hearing about it.
All day, every day, what does Elliot want? You do it for them, and it's supposed to be great? Three hours earlier, Nancy, I asked for the same thing, and I'm a vile person? Look, if you want to score, fine.
You go back to the restaurant.
I'm sure she'd be more than happy to oblige.
Come on, Nancy.
I did nothing at the restaurant.
I didn't even look at her.
Right.
And that's why she was all over you Because you're so gorgeous.
She wasn't all over me.
I can't Is this what you're upset about? I can't believe this.
That's right.
There was nothing wrong in this house until that whore from the restaurant started making eyes at you.
Wait.
No.
Don't walk away from me.
- You can't say that and walk away from me.
- Elliot Look, let's go back in the kitchen and talk about it.
They'll understand.
Look, let's go back in the kitchen, honey, please? Let go of me! Stop it! Ask Michael.
Michael will tell you.
He was there.
Don't walk away from me, damn it! Don't you dare tell me what to do! You can't tell me Elliot's not brilliant.
He'll think of something.
He's catatonic right now, but he'll think of something.
Who is it? He'll feel those needles and pins A-hurtin' him, a-hurtin' him Why can't I stop And tell myself I'm wrong I'm wrong, so wrong Why can't I stand up and tell mys Oh, the attack of the naked baby monster.
Okay, see if you can stand.
Go ahead.
Go ahead.
Show Mommy.
- Wonder if she's gonna stand, huh? - This is amazing.
Watch this.
Come on.
Come on.
Oh, Mommy's here.
There she is.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
I don't wanna have somebody else's birthday party in my backyard.
I'm already dreading having your birthday party in my backyard.
So why did you offer? Well, I didn't think she'd accept.
Yeah.
Jane, go fetch.
Go.
Go.
Go.
Come on.
Get the ball.
Get the ball.
Go.
Go.
Good girl.
So will you still love me when I'm the mother of a one-year-old? Oh.
I'll love you if you love me.
Janey, why don't you go and crawl into the next room for about 20 minutes? Get lost, kid.
Just kidding, Jane.
This is just non-affectionate, nonspecific behavior.
No trauma, okay? I mean, you're not gonna remember this, are you? Maybe I should put her to bed.
Jane, you look tired.
Ohh! Sweetie, I'll see you in the morning.
Yeah.
I will be in the other room.
- Grab that laundry, please.
- Huh? The laundry that you're about to walk by without seeing, as usual.
Are you upset about that? No, I just asked you to pick up the clothes.
Anything else? Want me to do a few dishes, maybe a little vacuuming? Michael! I can't deal with this.
I'm gonna put Janey to bed.
Come here, Janey.
Come on.
It's bedtime.
Come on, sweetie.
We read Good Night, Moon four times.
- You got off easy.
- Yeah, well, it's such a good book.
It's poetry, really.
You know, I was thinking today, I was looking through her books, and most of them are so bad.
Aren't they bad? I mean, isn't the artwork bad? - What do kids know? - Yeah.
That's what I mean.
I mean, that's the attitude.
It's only for kids, so it doesn't have to be good.
You know, I Never mind.
What? What? No, it doesn't matter.
It was crazy.
I don't have time anyways.
Time for what? What are you talking about? Never mind.
It's stupid.
What? Just tell me what it is.
Don't yell at me.
I I'm not yelling.
I'm just sitting here.
Just tell me what it is you wanna tell me.
Well, I-I was just thinking that I could do it better, that's all.
- Write a kids' book? - Well, I No.
I don't mean write it.
I mean, I just thought I could illustrate it better.
Oh, yeah.
You could do that.
You could totally do that.
- You think so? - Oh, yeah.
I mean, that's what you studied in college, right? You should probably go back and take a course first.
How come? I don't know.
I just thought, you know, since you haven't done it in a while, and you sort of lost interest in your painting No, I never lost interest in it.
That wasn't it.
I-I just didn't think I was good enough.
Well, so if you went back and took a course, you'd feel better about it.
You don't think I could do it.
- I didn't say that.
- Yeah, you think I'll I'll go back to class and then I'll realize I'm not very good at it, and then I'll just drop it and not embarrass us.
You're so weird.
I'm telling you you should do it.
Right.
Thanks for the encouragement.
What am I supposed to say? I don't know.
It's just that I have been in this house for five years now, completely alone.
And I don't know I mean, I don't know if I could do it or not.
It's just that I could use a little encouragement, that's all.
I'm sorry I brought it up.
I think I think you would write a wonderful children's book, and 14 publishers would want it, and we'd make $100,000, and we could move out of this house, and I wouldn't have to work anymore.
Uh Promise me that you won't talk business all night and leave me there feeling stupid next to Hope in one of her gorgeous outfits.
Christine's outside with the kids.
Right.
And they haven't eaten yet, and I still haven't found the number of the restaurant yet.
Um, do you think we can do it by 7:30? We can be late.
Oh, honey, we shouldn't.
- Come on.
Come on.
- No, honey.
Elliot! - No.
No, no, honey.
We'll do it later.
- Come on.
Elliot! What the hell's the matter with you? Nothing's the matter with me.
I can't just drop everything just because I mean, the kids haven't been fed yet, and we still haven't found the number of the restaurant yet.
Honey, all I'm saying is that we can do it later.
We're looking for our wives.
The cute ones always are.
$28 for scallops.
You think that's expensive? Can I get you something to drink, or would you like to speak to our sommelier? - Do it.
All right.
This I gotta see.
- Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
I hope I can remember.
Uh You can.
Come on.
Grove City It's hard.
- Give a rousing cheer - That's good.
That's great.
Oh! I'm sorry.
Oh! - That's okay.
- This is great.
I can't believe you can do this.
Is here - I don't remember it very well.
- Oh, no.
That was good.
That was good.
Oh, um, sorry.
You think they enjoyed that? Why do you have to try and destroy everything that I do? I mean, I thought you'd be happy.
You're always complaining that I'm not sexy enough for you.
And so there.
And now you're trying to tear me down.
What about what I wanted before? Elliot, I don't understand why we have to go through the same argument every day.
So that's great.
That's great.
You do it for them, and it's fun and it's great, and three hours earlier, you're calling me a vile person? - Give me a break! - No, honey.
Three hours earlier, all I did was ask you to wait.
That's boring.
Then you go back to the restaurant if you want to score.
I'm sure she'd be more than happy to oblige.
You know, maybe I should.
She was a lot more interested in me than you are.
Nothing at all was wrong in this house until you became more interested in anyone else than Than in being a part of this relationship.
Don't you walk away from me! - You don't walk away from me! - Elliot, please.
Look, you want to have it out, let's go back in there and have it out! - We can go in the other room.
- Let go of me.
Stop it.
Look, you haven't Look, why don't you ask Hope and Michael? Why don't you ask them the last time that they made love, huh? Don't you walk away from me! Damn you! You do not tell me what to do.
Oh, I can't do this anymore.
It's driving me nuts.
Tired, Michael? Tired of looking at 187 pairs of female breasts before and after augmentation surgery? This takes all the mystery out of it.
You men are so weird.
I mean, these poor women, they spend their entire adolescence totally upset because they're either too small or too big, then they go to surgeons to fix them all because guys like you think breasts are mysterious.
They're not mysterious.
They're for feeding babies.
Oh, is that what they're for? You know, I think it's really beautiful the way you guys are breastfeeding.
You know, a lot of women can't breastfeed.
- Were you breastfed? - Of course not.
That's why I think breasts are mysterious.
Oh, my God, it's Aunt Edna.
I'd know those breasts anywhere.
Mikey, the last time I saw you, you was this big! I used to hide the minute I heard her coming.
Yeah.
Which was three blocks away.
Hello, sweeties! Who has a kiss for Edna? Is it my imagination, or do we all have, like, permanent hearing damage from the decibel level in Grandpop's house? What? Yeah.
The only way to be heard was to talk louder than the person already talking, which was always somebody.
Family dinners Was there some law or something that somebody always had to end up crying? Yeah.
Me.
'Cause your mother was always yelling at me.
No, your mother was always yelling at me.
That's because you were always trying to sneak a peek at my mysterious breasts.
What's the point? It's all predetermined.
We're gonna get old and have awful family dinners where everybody yells.
I already pinch my daughter's cheek.
You guys don't yell.
You're perfect.
Can I take a nap here on your table? Mikey, Mikey, what's the matter? Nothing.
You guys okay? We're perfect.
Mmm.
A birthday party for a three-year-old.
Okay.
Okay.
Watch.
One, two, three.
There.
Did you see it jump over? Okay.
Now we need an assistant from the audience.
Let's see.
Who's voluptu Uh, interested? Actually, why don't all three of you come up? We'll draw the blinds and call it an afternoon.
Take that, Commie! Ha-ha! Where's my R.
P.
G.
missile launcher? Huh? Ahhh! - Whoo! Yeah! Happy Birthday to you And I hope you know That this is what I like to call My Happy Birthday Show And if you don't like it, well, that's just too bad I'll knock you down, I'll blow you up So make sure you feel glad So take this stupid thing 'Cause I made it for you And everybody sing I said, everybody sing Yeah! Happy Birthday to you I mean, whatever happened to scavenger hunts and pin the tail on the donkey? - And spin the bottle.
- Oh, spin the bottle.
The magician left his card.
I'm sure he'd love to play.
Yeah, he was cute, huh? - Aghh! - Oh, what do you know? You're not even out there.
It's a desert out there.
Most people's idea of a great first date is a complete physical.
All of a sudden, it's so cool to be married.
Ten years ago, none of us wanted to hear about a piece of paper.
- Elliot and I - Ten years ago, none of us - Oh, I'm sorry.
Go ahead.
- No.
Go ahead.
All right.
Ten years ago, none of us thought it'd be so hard to get one.
Come on.
You know it's all your fault.
If you weren't such a bitch.
What's that got to do with it? Didn't stop you.
I'd just like to imagine I could find someone half or a quarter decent before I give up the cause.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
David was decent.
I know.
Is it too much to ask to be a little attracted to the guy, too? Kvetch, kvetch, kvetch.
God! My theory about marriage is the guy has got to respect you I'm sorry Be loyal to you, share life's burdens with you, and still wanna rip your clothes off at any given moment.
That's top priority.
I am.
I'm totally deformed.
I mean, look at those handles.
You do not need liposuction or whatever the hell it's called.
You're sick, you know? You're worse than women.
Are you kidding me? Men are completely vainer than women.
Wait.
I don't believe it.
Mike, that's it! That's completely totally it.
We aim the entire campaign towards men.
No, no.
Think about it.
It's virgin territory.
Hey, Joe, you sure look great.
Oh.
Thanks, Duke.
Feel great, too.
Just had the chassis rebuilt, and I'm ready to ride.
Hey, Joe, I think that young filly over there's looking at you.
Can I still dissolve this partnership? Come on.
It's genius.
Mike, what's the matter with you? Nothing's the matter.
I'm not allowed to be totally depressed? Hell, no.
If we're both totally depressed, who's gonna pretend to run the company? You know what I don't understand? There's, like, a normal level of misery in a happy marriage, right? This is life.
But how do you know when When it's an abnormal level of misery? I have no idea.
You call me when you find out.
What variety of misery are we dealing with? I'm not miserable.
This is not misery.
It's just, uh Don't you wish sometimes they would just let things be? There is always something bothering her, or that I didn't do, or that I did and I shouldn't have done.
And it's like I come home, and I'm thinking, uh, "What can I do to help? What does she need?" Like, it makes no difference, because she's gonna find something to get on me about anyway.
Tell me about it.
Honey, how do I look? Do I really look okay? You look completely beautiful.
You look 16.
Let's go back in.
Let's take our clothes off.
- Honey, could you Never mind.
- What? Nothing.
It's just that this stuff has to go down.
So I'll take it down.
But you weren't going to until I pointed it out to you.
So now I'll take it down.
Honey Never mind.
Just why do you always assume that I'll see it? I didn't assume you'd see it.
I'd have to see it to assume you'd see it.
But you don't see it because you know that I'll always pick it up.
Allow me to assist you, madam.
- Are you okay? - Yes.
I just get upset because you don't pick things up.
Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.
Let's go have a good time.
My nickel.
Shut up already.
I said I'd pay for dinner, I'll pay for dinner.
Good evening.
Two for dinner? Can I get you a drink, or would you like to speak to our sommelier? I don't speak sommelier.
Maybe you could translate.
What language do you speak? What languages do you speak, what? We will win the game tonight.
Good job.
Oh, that's great.
That's great.
You think they liked that? I don't know.
You're always telling me that I'm not sexy enough.
So, what, three hours earlier, I wanted the same thing.
- You called me a vile person.
- Huh? I said maybe our wives are secretly the same person.
Maybe we're the same person.
Maybe we're only leading one life.
We could take alternate days.
We could.
No.
Mike, Mike, Mike, wait.
This is a great idea.
Ow! - Did I get you? - No.
I thought you were going to.
Excuse me.
I'm looking for a Mrs.
Steadman.
Yo, she's down at Elizabeth Arden having a facial.
Ah, that's too bad, 'cause she's not gonna get these.
Oh, how pretty.
For me? - No, I'm supposed to give them to Mrs.
Steadman.
- I am.
Oh, there you go.
There's Jane Wyatt fixing the house, Robert Young brings home flowers and What's her name? Can I be Kitten? - Nah, you're Eddie Haskell.
- Thanks.
Ah.
Bookshelves? Great.
We need bookshelves for all the books we're never gonna have time to read.
Put these in some water.
Don't get your hands dirty there, Mikey.
Yeah, it's okay.
We're fine.
We don't need any help.
Honey, while you're in there, would you check the washing machine and make sure it made it through the cycle? I told you I was gonna call them, and I did call them.
Honey, I just asked you to check it.
And I was gonna check it.
Dum de dum dum What's this I hear? Michael only looks like a thoughtful, generous, totally devoted father and husband.
Secretly, he's a selfish, domineering, sexist swine.
And Hope We all know about angelic, sweet, little Hope, you shrew.
- That's really humorous.
- Excuse me? - Wait a minute.
- Melissa, I hear your mother calling.
Something about Michael's totally cheap and won't buy a new washing machine.
You creep.
Melissa, your mother wants to know why you don't have a date tonight.
I know.
Hope had an affair with the washing machine repairman, and now Michael's punishing her by making her hand wash all the diapers.
We use disposables.
Good-bye, Melissa.
I'm just kidding.
Aren't you? Whoops.
I want you to get off my back.
I'm not on your back.
You've been on my back for an entire week.
I come home, there's six things I haven't done.
I do six things, four of them are wrong.
What is this? I honestly don't know what you're talking about.
You don't? You're looking for something to be upset about, and I can't play this game with you.
So this is all my imagination? Michael, I don't know what you're talking about.
If you wanna feel guilty, go ahead and feel guilty.
Just don't make me the villain.
Oh, so you're saintly, you're above all this.
- Look, don't lie to me.
- About what? What was that in there about the washing machine? - I asked you to check it.
Excuse the hell out of me.
- And I wasn't gonna check it? Michael, who are we kidding? You didn't check it yesterday or the day before.
You haven't even thought about it since I asked you to check it a week and a half ago.
It's a week and a half ago, when I haven't had time to go to the bathroom, what with running the business and you on me every minute.
You don't wanna do anything around here, fine.
Don't do anything! So now you walk away from me.
You don't walk away from me! Go home.
- You don't want to go home? - You go home.
I'm going home.
I can go home.
It's Friday.
I can go home.
Why is it so much easier for us to be here? My whole life, I'd rather do anything than work.
Is it possible that I've come to such a point that it's easier for me to be at work than in a relationship? I wouldn't know.
My wife and I aren't speaking.
So let's work.
Come on.
- I'm ready to work.
- No, you're not.
- Yes, I am.
- No, you're not.
You are such a phony.
You are completely worthless.
You sit around mooning all day long, bringing your trivial personal problems into a high-powered office situation.
This is a business, Elliot.
We have employees.
Set an example.
Come on.
Let's work.
I'm as ready to work as you.
- No, you're not! - Yes, I am! - Okay! Come on! Come on! - I can't.
I'm too upset about my trivial personal problems.
- Plus I miss my wife.
- Who you're not speaking to.
Just because we're not speaking doesn't mean we're not speaking.
My wife and I we're speaking.
We just don't talk about anything.
So let's go home.
Right.
Um, actually, why don't you put that in the small bowl? Then we'll have the large Oh, never mind.
- Okay.
- No.
I mean, you can use the large bowl.
It's just that then I don't have a It's okay.
I know Look, I know this is hard for you, and I'm sorry.
What's hard? I I don't know.
You just seem so I'm sorry I make you feel so uncomfortable.
Is it just because you don't like me, or are you afraid what's happening to Elliot and me is gonna rub off? Nancy, I don't know what you're talking about.
Okay, um, I know that they tell each other everything.
And so you must hear everything, and Nancy, I don't hear anything.
I don't even hear about my own life from Michael.
Look, I We don't know each other very well, and and we keep getting thrown together, and maybe our husbands, you know, tell each other stuff, and I mean, that just makes it harder.
And you're right.
I never really know what to say to you.
But that doesn't mean we can't try to I don't know.
Yeah, I mean, what do you expect when the only people we talk to all day are, like, 27 inches high? For me, it's 17 inches.
I don't know.
It's just, like, so weird.
I can't believe that we're having these major problems.
I mean, I just don't see us that way.
It's like we have been married for 12 years now, and I don't know.
I guess I just didn't see it coming.
Nancy, you can't think that you're the only people who fight.
No, it's what happens after the fight.
I mean, fighting Fighting's simple.
Fighting is hurting, and fighting is release.
We used to have these incredible rediscoveries of each other.
I mean, like, some truth would come out.
I don't mean, like, during the fight, you know.
But after, some little thing like, um, "Oh, I got so scared when I went to the office" "and you weren't there," or, I don't know, like, "Oh, I remember who you are.
"Come here.
" "I remember the person behind that mask.
" "I love that person.
" We just don't seem to have those afters anymore.
Avast, ye hearties! - Eeaarrgh! - Eeaarrgh! Yon rum and dog lackey of the Imperialist warmongers has stolen a galleon of Transformers and Rainbow Brites.
Make sail with Captain Schnook! All aboard! All aboard.
Quick, now.
Quick, there, little Lizzie.
Everybody on.
You ready? We've been hit! We've been hit! Everybody abandon ship! Thar she blows! Yar.
Quick, to the driveway! Quick, quick! Mikey, Mikey, how you doing? That good, huh? Listen, are you guys okay? If you're not and it's my fault, I'll kill myself.
Would that make you feel any better? It might.
Where you going? Ahoy, mateys.
Michael, where's the beer? - In the house.
- In the house! We go in the house.
Kill the heathen! Violence is good.
Avast, me hearties.
Ahoy there, flakeys.
Go away.
You weren't invited.
What, and miss this paradigm of popular culture, this living example of why Western civilization is doomed? Get out there, Gare.
There are a lot of costumes.
Gary only plays with infants his own age.
Melissa, I see lots of available men out there.
Yeah, but they're not as cute as you, Gare.
Yar! I want everybody to go, "Yar!" Yar! That looks great.
Yeah, your house is never gonna be the same again.
Oh, Elliot.
All right, all right, all right.
Here we are.
We gotta find the treasure.
See, this used to be his normal way.
He was out of his mind.
I mean, completely off the wall.
Oh, I forget that sometimes.
I miss that.
Gee.
Oh, oh, oh! I'm throwing up now.
Are we talking? I'm talking to you.
I'm talking to you.
Good.
Then what's the matter? Michael, you tell me what the matter is.
All right.
I don't understand something.
There's, like, no resonance.
To the good things, I mean.
Say great things will happen.
Jane will do this, or I'll make you laugh.
Or, um, life is wonderful.
And an hour later, it's completely forgotten because of some stupid little thing I did.
And I don't know.
That's just not fair.
I try really hard, and so I'm not perfect, but then you wipe out everything because of that.
You'll turn on me.
Michael, honey, I'm not wiping out anything.
I love you.
I don't expect you to be perfect.
I just want you to help me clean up more.
What? I get overwhelmed by the stuff there is to do around here.
There's got to be more to it than that.
Have I yelled at you about anything else besides helping me clean up? You mean You mean this whole thing This whole thing Is only about cleaning up? There's not some terrible problem between us? - You are so funny.
- Whew.
Look, you're always laughing at me 'cause I want everything to be nice around here.
Look at you.
One little crack in the foundation, - and you think the whole house is falling down.
- I do? So what if I get upset? It's not the end of the world.
It's not? I think there has to be room to say the things that bother us.
Oh, I don't know if you can say all the bad things.
Where does that end? I mean, Elliot and Nancy say all the bad things.
But, honey, that's not their problem.
That comes from their problem.
They can't find each other anymore.
They're not mad about the laundry.
What? Are they in trouble? Are they really in trouble? God, I hope not.
Well, I mean, they love each other.
I know they love each other.
He loves her.
That's scary.
Why do we get to be okay? Why is that them, and that doesn't have to be us? I mean, tell me how I can understand that.
I can't.
What?