This Time with Alan Partridge (2019) s01e04 Episode Script
Episode 4
1 This programme contains some strong language.
I'm Alan Partridge.
Last week on This Time, I shared the uncorroborated story of a baby who was thrown from a burning building and caught by a dog.
I said I'd find out more.
I haven't done that, but the balls of that dog have captured the public imagination and reminded us that they're more than mere pets.
They are sheep dogs, guide dogs, guard dogs, yard dogs, hard police dogs, who tirelessly - Ha-ha! - pursue escaped convicts before capturing and biting them.
The stern-faced women behind me aren't campaigners or strikers.
They're decent British dog lovers on the way to Downing Street with a petition calling for a monument to police dog bravery.
They already have 1,000 signatures.
Make that 1,001.
I'm Alan Partridge and it's time for This Time.
Hello, and welcome to This Time.
With Jennie Gresham.
And a somewhat, no, DANGEROUSLY out-of-breath Alan Partridge.
I am not out of breath.
- He can hardly speak.
- I am speaking now! - Barely.
- I'm as fit as a fiddle.
- Fit to drop.
- I do spinning classes three times a week - Get off! I'm only teasing! And if you look behind the reception desk, David Lloyd of Norwich, under the words "Cardio King of the Month", you'll see my face! And anyone could check that out, anyone! So, there you go! If you are in the area, pop in and make sure you check that out.
It won't be there now, cos it was last month - and I don't do spinning classes any more - Oh, was it a bit much? No, no, I spewed over the handle bars.
Perfectly normal.
Uh, ask Steve Redgrave.
He regularly spews in his canoe.
That what it's called? - And hey - Kayak? good for all of you for getting behind our Hero Dogs campaign.
I love doing that to women! Great to see people throwing their weight behind such a worthwhile campaign.
Yeah, and using Twitter to voice their support rather than to just exchange puns or, uh, agree with Caitlin Moran.
And, remember, it's a small operation run from home by a little old lady who used to type for the police.
It desperately needs funds, so why not do what I did earlier today and pull out your credit card, and give them some dead-dog dosh.
Later, we'll be meeting a new celebrity lookalike with an uncanny resemblance to Alan.
I'm not really sure I could handle two of you.
I'm not sure two of us could handle YOU.
But, first, how many of you out there are 100 years old? More than you might think.
National statistics say there are 14,000 centenarians in the UK.
And that's enough to fill the Birmingham Arena.
Wow! Yeah, although presumably, they'd need a lot more toilets.
The latest addition to that exclusive 100 Club received her telegram from the Queen this very morning.
And, as her granddaughter writes, she's a big fan of this show.
Aw, here's what she wrote.
20 seconds! Where's my fucking water?! I made it very clear I need a glass of water after exercise or else white saliva forms at the corners of my mouth! Whose is this? That's mine Careful, it's fizzy.
What? And I'm delighted to say Rose Hague joins us on the line.
Now, Rose, are you there, my love? Well, of course I'm here! Where else would I be? Rose, many congratulations.
Excuse me.
Congratulations.
Hello? There we go - Rose, can you tell us where? No, leave it here.
Here! Because if you leave it there, I can't reach it, - you stupid girl! - Rose, I believe your father was a captain - stationed in the army? - Now of course, I grew up in the Raj, 1930s.
Yes.
Perfectly pleasant there - one can be rather misty-eyed.
Of course, the handover was rather botched.
Mountbatten did what he could, poor old Dickie, - Radcliffe and so forth.
- That's lovely, I was wondering about, the secret to your old age.
I'm talking, young man! - Sorry.
- Do you normally interrupt people when they're speaking? - I haven't been called a young man for quite some time - Stop mumbling! Why are you staring at me? - What's your name? - Alan Partridge.
The point being, we had a house boy.
Not a friend, you understand - Right OK - an employee.
He used to run errands.
- And we called him Brownie.
- Right.
Not the sharpest of fellows, but curiously, he was not an Indian.
- OK.
- He was a negro.
And they are very different because whilst physically stronger, they Oh! Oh, dear Ooh, got it.
Ooh, we seem to be We seem to have lost Rose there.
But, yes, a great achievement and colourful character.
Different times, different times, and apologies there for the wind and the racism.
Now, mention our American cousins and most people think weaponry, doughnuts, racism, and brown paper shopping bags with no handles.
What's all that about? Oh, dear, I thought you were having a stroke there.
But there's much more to America than that.
Time for New-SA.
Our first regular update on the state of the States.
We're joined by our very own Ruth Duggan for a segment as American as Mom's apple pie! - Thought YOU were having a stroke.
- And who doesn't love mum's apple pie? Well, I'm sure I would.
I've not met your mum, but I imagine a kind of Nanette Newman type.
Crimping crusts and cutting out love hearts from excess pastry - to plonk on the top of a pie lid.
- Oh, something like that.
- What about your mum's? - Well, I love my mum, but, erm, I have to say, she made bad pies.
And even though she loved me, she managed to make a pie without putting any love into it whatsoever.
So, yeah, just, you know, chopped apples, pastry, lots of brown sugar, but, as I say, no love.
But Ruth, I bet you loved your mum's apple pie.
First up, police raid a house in Cleveland and find four dead men in a septic tank - not the kind of story anyone likes.
I do actually - I love anything like that.
Right.
Absolutely delicious.
Oh, yeah, all right, you mean the apple pie! I'm the same, though, Ruth - all the pastry turns into a fat back.
Well, quite - it's been described as a truly gruesome sight.
What? A vision of hell.
Dismembered limbs from as many - That's right, I think you've got a bit of a delay on the line - a bit of a delay on the line.
- Copycat! - So, I'll just try and soldier on as best - Sorry, I didn't quite catch that? - It's all right, I was just saying the same thing as you said.
I should just try and push on and assume that you can hear.
Yep, go ahead, Alan.
No, you go ahead.
- You go ahead.
- Shall I continue? - You go ahead.
- So, I - You go ahead! - I didn't quite catch It's like trying to have a chat on a webcam with someone in the Philippines.
Or, bloody anywhere in the world! - Yes.
- Sorry, after you.
And Ruth, stop talking.
We're starting again.
Nod when you get this.
Now, Ruth, hello.
- Hello.
- Good.
Do you like your mum's apple pie? Yes.
And I believe the police have found the remains of four dead men in a house in Cleveland? Yes, that's right.
Well, tell us about it and give us a long answer so we don't have to keep going back and forth! Now? Yes, now! I should knock on the side of your box.
Well ignore the box thing.
as I said, it's a grizzly discovery, and while the identities of the men haven't been con Sorry, the side of my box? The owner of the house has been named locally as 51-year-old Brian Crilly, now the subject of a full scale manhunt.
Well, Ruth, I think we'll leave it there for today.
Thank you.
You're welcome, Jennie.
- I'll let you go and enjoy the sunshine.
- Too hot for me, I'm afraid.
- You back with us next week? - The week after.
- See you then.
- Bye-bye.
Ruth Duggan there, and apologies if there were any technical glitches.
Think we got it sorted out in the end.
Now, though, tracking the progress of our dog-loving petitioners, it's our very own Simon Denton.
Hello, Alan.
Simon, when you get your teeth into a topic, you never let go.
And I don't mean the chocolate.
Whereas you are more of bounty hunter.
Good start! How's it looking? Well, let's have a look.
This is the sight, currently, outside Number Ten, Downing Street.
Just click on the film there.
And there we are - that's Downing Street.
All quiet on the western front.
And now if I just - let me swipe.
- Do it with conviction.
I am doing it with conviction.
Ah! There, you see, you were powerful - it respects that.
Now this icon here of this man represents the women who are already at Piccadilly Circus.
Wow, look at them go! You know, it's such a myth, isn't it, that older women are dawdlers? Anyone who's seen the no-nonsense galumph of a Tory lady politician will know that they can shift.
Yes, indeed, but not everyone is behind them.
We've got a text here Through the hand Neville, comma, Swansea.
"Why are people happy to throw money at a few dead police dogs "but they can't find any for child refugees?" Don't know.
Any more texts? Yes.
I do, yeah.
Well, this is a tweet, on a slightly lighter note.
A tweet that Lucy, in the office, has found.
I'll go to my little birdie.
And my little birdie.
And my little birdie.
- Don't say that.
- Right.
Oh, good luck to them, I only held it up for a second.
I think they've paused it and photographed it.
Still won't help - I only showed one side.
You showed both sides, here's the other side, there's your CVV.
- Four, four - Don't read it out! - one, I think.
- Swipe off.
- There - With CONVICTION! There.
Right.
- I didn't - Sssshhh! Now we all love adverts, but the BBC doesn't have any.
In fact, as a publicly funded left-leaning broadcaster, the BBC actively curls its lip at the on-screen promotion of any product or brand.
Yet, what if, unbeknownst to the Corporation, it was still happening? What if the BBC was being penetrated through the back door? As I, Alan Partridge, go, Through The Back Door.
The BBC won't roll out the red carpet for the product placement spivs but if you know someone on the inside, - then you've got a foot in the door, thanks, Debbie! - OK.
And you can tiptoe through into a whole world of commercial opportunity.
The BBC is a much-cherished institution, known by some simply as Auntie Beeb.
But thanks to certain presenters, she's the kind of auntie that answers the door wearing lipstick and a dressing gown! So, how does it work? Let's say Julia Bradbury is being filmed looking at some geese.
Fine! But what if Julia wants to take a gander using an Orion Super Compact spotting scope? The high-class monocular would have an audience of 4 million and, well, you do the maths.
And Julia? "Oh, don't you worry about Ju.
"She'd do all right out of it.
" But if she did, she'd be on very shaky ground.
But there's one household name to whom rumours cling like thick, wet soil.
Monty Don is one of Britain's best loved garden-based broadcasters, yet many of his peers, not just me, there are others, I'm sure, believe he's accepting cash bungs from businesses to wield or wear their products on air.
Time, then, to reel him in.
He may be green-fingered but I'm going to catch him red-handed.
I've arranged a meeting with the squiggle-haired horticulturalist.
The hustle? I'm going to offer him a lucrative presenting job if he agrees to a little on air product placement.
Well, with my producer hat on, I've set up a meeting with Don to pitch a programme to him, which will be a combination of gardening, quad biking, rock music and another element to be determined by Don to allow him to be part of the process.
And what Don doesn't know is that I am secretly recording our conversations with a classic subterfuge kit of briefcase cam, lapel cam, hotel suite and, in the other room, there's a woman to complete the picture.
It just remains for us to sit tight and wait.
OK.
Oh, do you want me to point the camera towards the door? - No, no, no, just act naturally.
- But it - Unscrunch your face.
Now! Do it.
- Hello.
- Hello.
- Very nice to see you.
- Come on in.
- Thank you.
- Hey, Monty! - Hello, Alan.
- Just drying my hands.
- Can I get you a drink? - Yes, that would be lovely.
Great, OK.
Well, it's all in the minibar, there then.
- Do you have any wine? - We do indeed.
Red or white? - A glass of red.
- Ah! Good man! Two big pint glasses of red wine, please, Lynn.
- Are you sure? - Yes, Lynn! I think she's a bit star-struck! There you are.
She is.
Cheers.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
Um.
A quick, er, Jimmy Riddle.
I know what I was doing was incredibly dangerous.
Monty's fearful reputation precedes him.
It's said he's known on his allotments simply as The Don, although that may be because his surname is Don.
Time to talk turkey.
As I see it, Power Plant With Monty Don would combine the best qualities of Top Gear with the very best qualities of Gardeners' World.
And I think you're perfectly placed to present that because, of course, you're one of those people who can talk about, for example, pansies, without feeling in any way self-conscious.
When the public watch you on television, Monty Don, they feel like they're in the garden with you.
That's very kind of you.
Thanks, thank you very much.
- Oh, no, think nothing of it.
- Calm down, Lynn, calm down.
Lynn doesn't have a garden.
She's got a couple of hanging baskets and a window box.
- Um, yes.
- That sounds a bit rude, doesn't it? Hey, Lynn? Mm.
Couple of hanging baskets and a window box! Oh, don't cover your brooch.
Oh, but, no, by the way, this is all on me.
No, I'm very happy to do this.
This will be my treat.
Not at all.
No, I'm pretty flush at the moment, and I don't just mean, uh, my BBC salary.
Being back on television - certainly opens doors, if you know what I mean.
- Mm.
Nah, being back on the old idiot box certainly greases the wheels, if you know what I mean.
Yes.
- There it was - Yes.
Yes.
the first chink in his armour.
Skip the surf.
Can I have more turf? The time was right to strike.
So turf and turf? You like nuts, then? Mm, I love them.
Very good.
Never mind peanuts, how about pound nuts? I don't think I know pound nuts.
Never had 'em.
Forget cash-ew nuts.
How about cash nuts? I'm not sure I'm following you here, Alan.
Let's say we go ahead and make Power Plant With Monty Don.
If you could, for example, use a Spear & Jackson trowel to plough a small furrow for some seeds you may well find a big fat envelope worming its way into your satchel.
Now listen.
I would not, never have, and I would not conceivably Wait, wait, wait, whoa! Monty, we are just two guys chewing the fat.
Regardless of what I think, there are BBC guidelines.
Come on! Do you think John Craven gets by on his BBC salary? If you give him 500 knicker, he will name-check a bag of animal feed on Countryfile.
Bung him one large, he'll eat the stuff himself.
So what's your price, Monty? - I have no price.
No.
- A million pounds? This is getting really OK, a billion? Ha, OK, a billion pounds? Yeah, yeah, sure, for a billion pounds, I would Cheers! I got ya! Ah! Well, I've just come from the table where Monty Don has admitted he would accept financial inducements to promote products, and whilst the figure mentioned may have been fanciful, it seems that everyone has their price.
- The question now is - Alan? - Go.
Are these Donty! Are these with you? Um I don't think so.
Are you guys with me? Alan? Wh-what's going on? What's? Er This Is Your Life! - Alan, that's a menu.
- Yes, it says "menu".
I know, yeah, that's right.
If you just look up there Alan! Just remembered, I've got a dentist appointment! Can you pay for dinner? Pay for dinner, yeah? Pay for dinner! It seems that everyone has their price.
And this is the dossier of evidence that will be presented to the DG of the BBC by me.
Originally titled, A Different Kind of Abuse At The BBC, and then, in brackets, just to be clear, not sexual, it's now called, A Common Future, colon, Moving Forward Together.
Let the winds of change blow.
And now to the kitchen, where Jennie's getting squiffy on cocktails! Ha-ha! Not yet, Alan.
But it looks like we might be.
- How bad is it, Lynn? - Well, the credit card's cancelled.
- How bad? - And they'll issue a new one.
- How many transactions? - 110.
- Oh, Jesus.
So you do need to go through them and say which ones aren't you.
Well, everything in the last 20 minutes, obviously.
- But everything before that IS you? - Yes.
So the packet of three men's slimming corsets, purchases at 2.
31pm? - Men's slimming corsets? - Yes.
- Slimming corsets? - Yes.
- Corsets? - Yes! Well, as you can see, I've never heard of them.
It was before you revealed your card details.
Lynn, Lynn, hey, it could very well have been you.
You've got the means.
You'd be high on the list of suspects, if those TV detectives that you like, Egg and Onion - Rosemary and Thyme.
- Yeah, them.
if they were investigating corsetry theft in Sheringham, - you would be a person of interest.
- Oh.
As opposed to a person who's interesting.
And never talk about my slimming corsets in front of a make-up woman.
Their tongues wag more than a happy dog's tail.
Alan, back in five.
If you don't have a little shot glass at home, it's not the end of the world.
- And back to you, Alan.
- Thanks, Jennie! Simon, a quick check on the progress of the canine commemorators? Well, wh-wh-where are the dog people? Well, we, we can't get hold of them, on their phones.
- That's how we're keeping track? We're just phoning them? - Uh, yes.
We should probably have a GPS fix there, really.
I'd have thought so.
It's easy enough.
You just slip an iPhone into someone's handbag.
That's what I do with my assistant when she says she's taking the afternoon off for a chiropody appointment.
"Oh, look, she's in Debenhams.
" Well, Lucy in the office is trying to get hold of them.
"Lucy in the office".
You keep mentioning Lucy in the office.
Um Lucy in the office? Lucy in the sky with diamonds? - You're sweet on her.
- No, no, she's nice, a nice girl.
Have you told her? You should tell her.
You can't live with your mum forever.
- Which one is she? - You won't know her.
- Do you? What's - Let's have a look at some tweets! Never mind your tweets! Let's have a look at her.
- Look at this! - Hi! Hello! Simon, I think, has got something to say to you.
- Oh, Alan.
No, it's - I know.
It's fine.
I think he's doing it his way.
No, it's just, I was wondering With conviction! Would you like to go for a drink one night? Sure, yeah.
You don't have to say yes cos you're on live television.
- No.
I'd love to.
- Yes.
- Two lovebirds! - Well.
- On the show.
Going to be one down at the pub quiz now.
- Never bloody see him again! Lucy? - Yeah? Look after him! Lovely.
Now! Bang, bang.
Bang, bang.
The sound, there, of a heart halting.
Very realistic.
But, what if that happened here, now, to me or to Alan? Or more likely, the show's producer.
He does get very stressed! Anyway, would you know what to do? I have to admit I wouldn't, but luckily I am sat next to a man who does, because Alan is trained in, let me get this right, cardio pulmonary resuscitation, or CPR.
- There you go.
- And it's something you believe, I got it right, people should do regularly, isn't it? - I do, and it's not a huge sacrifice.
- Uh-huh.
Only takes an afternoon.
Make it a monthly thing, just like checking your smoke alarm or asking your cleaner about her chemo.
Here's Alan's guide to saving lives.
Every day people collapse, but if an injured person lay prone in front of you, would you know what to do? Well, I would.
You see, in 1999, I hosted an event called "So You Wanna Work For Halfords?" High jinx ensued and, long story short, a chap swallowed his tongue and we all had to go home, which is why now, one afternoon a month, I brush up on my CPR skills.
The victim? Well, I use a 35kg replica, purchased from my late friend, Pete Gavitas.
He supplied similar units to several of our group.
You're all right, love.
British Heart Foundation use a simple torso and head model, but I've gone for a full-size, full-weight unit with workable joints.
I set about creating a different scenario each month.
In today's set-up, my brother's wife Eileen is visiting for the weekend, so we can go to the boat show and indulge our shared love of speedboats and jet bikes! But today, I'm about to find her unconscious, having overdosed, because she hates my brother.
And now we're ready.
On discovering a prone body Are you all right? .
.
attempt to rouse them.
Eileen, can you hear me? Eileen? Come on, Eileen! Come on, Eileen! Check for signs of breathing.
And then, while waiting for the paramedics to get a move on, begin CPR.
Tilting the head back, lift the chin, then pinch the nose closed and dock.
And then it's chest compressions.
To achieve the correct tempo, some suggest thinking of the disco track, Staying Alive, but for me, the Bee Gees' classic has a somewhat namby-pamby quality.
Instead, I opt for Queen's Another One Bites The Dust, a pounding rock number that provides an important dose of realism.
Another One Bites The Dust by Queen How do you think I'm going to get along without you when you're gone? You took me for everything that I had and kicked me out on my own Are you happy, are you satisfied? How long can you stand the heat? Out of the doorway the bullets rip to the sound of the beat Look out! Ah! After an hour of practice, it's time for a well-earned breather with a good book and a warm drink .
.
before lugging the unit back upstairs to be stowed.
' Don't forget to clean the mouth.
Well, important stuff there.
Yes, look after your heart.
You only get one.
Unless you are an octopus or a cuttlefish, in which case you have three! Yeah, or my ex-wife, in which case you've got none.
- Now, they say - Yeah, a really nasty woman.
every face is unique, but maybe some are less unique than others.
Have you ever wondered what it would be like to make a living impersonating a celebrity? Well, joining us now, we have a couple of lookalikes, or if you're German, zwei doppelganger.
Please welcome Trevor Mortimer, aka 007, Daniel Craig, and Martin Brennan aka our very own Alan Partridge.
Martin, we'll come to you in a second, but Trevor, being James Bond takes you all over, doesn't it? Yes, I've been all over the world, actually.
Hmm, and big question, have you ever met Daniel Craig? I have actually.
I was in Quantum Of Solace with him.
- And, do you have his phone number? - Happily married.
Wow! So you've actually been in a James Bond film? I have, yeah.
I, FYI, was in the TV epic, Jesus of Nazareth, with Robert Powell.
Wow.
Yeah, I was in Tunisia.
Oh, what were you doing there? I was on my honeymoon, and I decided to spend the week as an extra.
And I was part of this big scene where Pontius Pilate turns to the crowd and says, "I may show mercy to one man.
Shall I release Jesus or Barabbas?" And, I'm one of the extras in the background, shouting, "Barabbas, please!" Now, Martin, hello, or shall I say, aha? Ha-ha! It's "aha", there's no aitch.
- Did I put in a haitch? - You did put an "aitch" in, yeah.
Now normally you're a farmer in the west of Ireland.
- I am.
- OK.
And how long have you been an Alan impersonator? Since a week Thursday.
Since a week Thursday.
My cousin said, "Martin, you look like the fella off the TV.
" Showed me on the computer, I said, "Who de hell is dat?" - He said, "It's, uh, you know - Alan Partridge.
I said, "Who de hell is dat?!" He said, "He's a famous fella.
Used to be on the TV, way back.
" I had never heard of you.
I said, "Who de hell is dat?" Why does he keep saying that? I'd never heard I didn't know who you were, but me cousin said, "You'd be as well being a Martin Brennan impersonator in Sligo.
" Nah! Because I'm never going to go there.
You'd be welcome on the farm, as long as you roll your sleeves up, get your hands dirty.
Up the yards! - Who's that? - That's my cousin.
He said he'd like to see you on the farm.
You're man'd be feeding turf to the sheep, - trying to get a pig to lay an egg.
- No.
- Milking the bulls.
- What? I said you'd be trying to milk the bulls.
- Dirty get! Disgusting.
- Ha-ha! "Aha" - there's no aitch.
Ah, feck, I did the haitch again.
Aitch.
And I've not actually said "aha" for years.
- Yes, you have.
- When? Trying to get into the Johnnie Walker tent at Silverstone.
Only to prove who I was.
I'd lost my wrist band.
Still said it.
Well, Trevor and Martin, thank you so much for joining us.
Good, now, I believe our intrepid campaigners are arriving into Downing Street to present their police dog petition.
Oh.
Let's have a look.
Awful hot in here.
Oh.
Right, they're not there.
They've not got there.
There's a cat.
There's a cat.
Martin, are you having a nice time? Grand.
I've not put my hand in my pocket since I left.
And they paid me 500 pound.
So if any fool wants to pay me 500 pound to jibber and jabber, I'll take his money.
It's a standard fee, so I got something for you.
Ooh! Exciting.
Oooh, ooh, oh! Look in there now.
Oh.
- Ah! Uh? - The name is there.
- It's a It's a tortoise.
- His name is Alun.
Yeah, um, pretty sure these are illegal.
- Where did you get it? - Yeah, if you want any more of those, you come and see me.
She doesn't want any more.
She's asking where you got it.
I got a friend in County Kildare does them.
Well, you talk to me.
Uh, well.
I think, sorry, if anyone's concerned - we will contact the RSPCA.
- Yeah.
But, lovely gesture.
Lovely Irish gesture.
Well, I'm afraid that's all we've got time for tonight.
- Now we couldn't let you go without a little song.
- No.
Thank you anyway, but we've got a great montage of police dogs set to music.
We do indeed, yes.
I love you as I never loved before You're going to ruin a slow-mo sequence of Alsatians jumping up and biting the arms of dog handlers, set to Hungry Like The Wolf by Duran Duran.
It's great TV.
Come on lads, come on.
Come to me Please stop playing.
Oh, my dream of love is o'er I love you as I loved you When you were sweet When you were Sweet sixteen Come out ye Black and Tan Come out and fight me like a man Show your wife how you won medals down in Flanders Tell her how the IRA made you run like hell away From the green and lovely lanes of Killashandra Armoured cars and tanks and guns Came to take away our sons But every man just stand behind the men behind the wire Come on, Simon! Armoured cars and tanks and guns Came to take away our sons But every man just stand behind the men behind the WI-IRE! Ha, that was grand, then, yeah.
Mighty.
Yeah.
Double-O fecking bollocks.
Oh, my God, that was like a advert for the IRA.
Who are we going to blame? Find out who booked them and sack her.
I'm Alan Partridge.
Last week on This Time, I shared the uncorroborated story of a baby who was thrown from a burning building and caught by a dog.
I said I'd find out more.
I haven't done that, but the balls of that dog have captured the public imagination and reminded us that they're more than mere pets.
They are sheep dogs, guide dogs, guard dogs, yard dogs, hard police dogs, who tirelessly - Ha-ha! - pursue escaped convicts before capturing and biting them.
The stern-faced women behind me aren't campaigners or strikers.
They're decent British dog lovers on the way to Downing Street with a petition calling for a monument to police dog bravery.
They already have 1,000 signatures.
Make that 1,001.
I'm Alan Partridge and it's time for This Time.
Hello, and welcome to This Time.
With Jennie Gresham.
And a somewhat, no, DANGEROUSLY out-of-breath Alan Partridge.
I am not out of breath.
- He can hardly speak.
- I am speaking now! - Barely.
- I'm as fit as a fiddle.
- Fit to drop.
- I do spinning classes three times a week - Get off! I'm only teasing! And if you look behind the reception desk, David Lloyd of Norwich, under the words "Cardio King of the Month", you'll see my face! And anyone could check that out, anyone! So, there you go! If you are in the area, pop in and make sure you check that out.
It won't be there now, cos it was last month - and I don't do spinning classes any more - Oh, was it a bit much? No, no, I spewed over the handle bars.
Perfectly normal.
Uh, ask Steve Redgrave.
He regularly spews in his canoe.
That what it's called? - And hey - Kayak? good for all of you for getting behind our Hero Dogs campaign.
I love doing that to women! Great to see people throwing their weight behind such a worthwhile campaign.
Yeah, and using Twitter to voice their support rather than to just exchange puns or, uh, agree with Caitlin Moran.
And, remember, it's a small operation run from home by a little old lady who used to type for the police.
It desperately needs funds, so why not do what I did earlier today and pull out your credit card, and give them some dead-dog dosh.
Later, we'll be meeting a new celebrity lookalike with an uncanny resemblance to Alan.
I'm not really sure I could handle two of you.
I'm not sure two of us could handle YOU.
But, first, how many of you out there are 100 years old? More than you might think.
National statistics say there are 14,000 centenarians in the UK.
And that's enough to fill the Birmingham Arena.
Wow! Yeah, although presumably, they'd need a lot more toilets.
The latest addition to that exclusive 100 Club received her telegram from the Queen this very morning.
And, as her granddaughter writes, she's a big fan of this show.
Aw, here's what she wrote.
20 seconds! Where's my fucking water?! I made it very clear I need a glass of water after exercise or else white saliva forms at the corners of my mouth! Whose is this? That's mine Careful, it's fizzy.
What? And I'm delighted to say Rose Hague joins us on the line.
Now, Rose, are you there, my love? Well, of course I'm here! Where else would I be? Rose, many congratulations.
Excuse me.
Congratulations.
Hello? There we go - Rose, can you tell us where? No, leave it here.
Here! Because if you leave it there, I can't reach it, - you stupid girl! - Rose, I believe your father was a captain - stationed in the army? - Now of course, I grew up in the Raj, 1930s.
Yes.
Perfectly pleasant there - one can be rather misty-eyed.
Of course, the handover was rather botched.
Mountbatten did what he could, poor old Dickie, - Radcliffe and so forth.
- That's lovely, I was wondering about, the secret to your old age.
I'm talking, young man! - Sorry.
- Do you normally interrupt people when they're speaking? - I haven't been called a young man for quite some time - Stop mumbling! Why are you staring at me? - What's your name? - Alan Partridge.
The point being, we had a house boy.
Not a friend, you understand - Right OK - an employee.
He used to run errands.
- And we called him Brownie.
- Right.
Not the sharpest of fellows, but curiously, he was not an Indian.
- OK.
- He was a negro.
And they are very different because whilst physically stronger, they Oh! Oh, dear Ooh, got it.
Ooh, we seem to be We seem to have lost Rose there.
But, yes, a great achievement and colourful character.
Different times, different times, and apologies there for the wind and the racism.
Now, mention our American cousins and most people think weaponry, doughnuts, racism, and brown paper shopping bags with no handles.
What's all that about? Oh, dear, I thought you were having a stroke there.
But there's much more to America than that.
Time for New-SA.
Our first regular update on the state of the States.
We're joined by our very own Ruth Duggan for a segment as American as Mom's apple pie! - Thought YOU were having a stroke.
- And who doesn't love mum's apple pie? Well, I'm sure I would.
I've not met your mum, but I imagine a kind of Nanette Newman type.
Crimping crusts and cutting out love hearts from excess pastry - to plonk on the top of a pie lid.
- Oh, something like that.
- What about your mum's? - Well, I love my mum, but, erm, I have to say, she made bad pies.
And even though she loved me, she managed to make a pie without putting any love into it whatsoever.
So, yeah, just, you know, chopped apples, pastry, lots of brown sugar, but, as I say, no love.
But Ruth, I bet you loved your mum's apple pie.
First up, police raid a house in Cleveland and find four dead men in a septic tank - not the kind of story anyone likes.
I do actually - I love anything like that.
Right.
Absolutely delicious.
Oh, yeah, all right, you mean the apple pie! I'm the same, though, Ruth - all the pastry turns into a fat back.
Well, quite - it's been described as a truly gruesome sight.
What? A vision of hell.
Dismembered limbs from as many - That's right, I think you've got a bit of a delay on the line - a bit of a delay on the line.
- Copycat! - So, I'll just try and soldier on as best - Sorry, I didn't quite catch that? - It's all right, I was just saying the same thing as you said.
I should just try and push on and assume that you can hear.
Yep, go ahead, Alan.
No, you go ahead.
- You go ahead.
- Shall I continue? - You go ahead.
- So, I - You go ahead! - I didn't quite catch It's like trying to have a chat on a webcam with someone in the Philippines.
Or, bloody anywhere in the world! - Yes.
- Sorry, after you.
And Ruth, stop talking.
We're starting again.
Nod when you get this.
Now, Ruth, hello.
- Hello.
- Good.
Do you like your mum's apple pie? Yes.
And I believe the police have found the remains of four dead men in a house in Cleveland? Yes, that's right.
Well, tell us about it and give us a long answer so we don't have to keep going back and forth! Now? Yes, now! I should knock on the side of your box.
Well ignore the box thing.
as I said, it's a grizzly discovery, and while the identities of the men haven't been con Sorry, the side of my box? The owner of the house has been named locally as 51-year-old Brian Crilly, now the subject of a full scale manhunt.
Well, Ruth, I think we'll leave it there for today.
Thank you.
You're welcome, Jennie.
- I'll let you go and enjoy the sunshine.
- Too hot for me, I'm afraid.
- You back with us next week? - The week after.
- See you then.
- Bye-bye.
Ruth Duggan there, and apologies if there were any technical glitches.
Think we got it sorted out in the end.
Now, though, tracking the progress of our dog-loving petitioners, it's our very own Simon Denton.
Hello, Alan.
Simon, when you get your teeth into a topic, you never let go.
And I don't mean the chocolate.
Whereas you are more of bounty hunter.
Good start! How's it looking? Well, let's have a look.
This is the sight, currently, outside Number Ten, Downing Street.
Just click on the film there.
And there we are - that's Downing Street.
All quiet on the western front.
And now if I just - let me swipe.
- Do it with conviction.
I am doing it with conviction.
Ah! There, you see, you were powerful - it respects that.
Now this icon here of this man represents the women who are already at Piccadilly Circus.
Wow, look at them go! You know, it's such a myth, isn't it, that older women are dawdlers? Anyone who's seen the no-nonsense galumph of a Tory lady politician will know that they can shift.
Yes, indeed, but not everyone is behind them.
We've got a text here Through the hand Neville, comma, Swansea.
"Why are people happy to throw money at a few dead police dogs "but they can't find any for child refugees?" Don't know.
Any more texts? Yes.
I do, yeah.
Well, this is a tweet, on a slightly lighter note.
A tweet that Lucy, in the office, has found.
I'll go to my little birdie.
And my little birdie.
And my little birdie.
- Don't say that.
- Right.
Oh, good luck to them, I only held it up for a second.
I think they've paused it and photographed it.
Still won't help - I only showed one side.
You showed both sides, here's the other side, there's your CVV.
- Four, four - Don't read it out! - one, I think.
- Swipe off.
- There - With CONVICTION! There.
Right.
- I didn't - Sssshhh! Now we all love adverts, but the BBC doesn't have any.
In fact, as a publicly funded left-leaning broadcaster, the BBC actively curls its lip at the on-screen promotion of any product or brand.
Yet, what if, unbeknownst to the Corporation, it was still happening? What if the BBC was being penetrated through the back door? As I, Alan Partridge, go, Through The Back Door.
The BBC won't roll out the red carpet for the product placement spivs but if you know someone on the inside, - then you've got a foot in the door, thanks, Debbie! - OK.
And you can tiptoe through into a whole world of commercial opportunity.
The BBC is a much-cherished institution, known by some simply as Auntie Beeb.
But thanks to certain presenters, she's the kind of auntie that answers the door wearing lipstick and a dressing gown! So, how does it work? Let's say Julia Bradbury is being filmed looking at some geese.
Fine! But what if Julia wants to take a gander using an Orion Super Compact spotting scope? The high-class monocular would have an audience of 4 million and, well, you do the maths.
And Julia? "Oh, don't you worry about Ju.
"She'd do all right out of it.
" But if she did, she'd be on very shaky ground.
But there's one household name to whom rumours cling like thick, wet soil.
Monty Don is one of Britain's best loved garden-based broadcasters, yet many of his peers, not just me, there are others, I'm sure, believe he's accepting cash bungs from businesses to wield or wear their products on air.
Time, then, to reel him in.
He may be green-fingered but I'm going to catch him red-handed.
I've arranged a meeting with the squiggle-haired horticulturalist.
The hustle? I'm going to offer him a lucrative presenting job if he agrees to a little on air product placement.
Well, with my producer hat on, I've set up a meeting with Don to pitch a programme to him, which will be a combination of gardening, quad biking, rock music and another element to be determined by Don to allow him to be part of the process.
And what Don doesn't know is that I am secretly recording our conversations with a classic subterfuge kit of briefcase cam, lapel cam, hotel suite and, in the other room, there's a woman to complete the picture.
It just remains for us to sit tight and wait.
OK.
Oh, do you want me to point the camera towards the door? - No, no, no, just act naturally.
- But it - Unscrunch your face.
Now! Do it.
- Hello.
- Hello.
- Very nice to see you.
- Come on in.
- Thank you.
- Hey, Monty! - Hello, Alan.
- Just drying my hands.
- Can I get you a drink? - Yes, that would be lovely.
Great, OK.
Well, it's all in the minibar, there then.
- Do you have any wine? - We do indeed.
Red or white? - A glass of red.
- Ah! Good man! Two big pint glasses of red wine, please, Lynn.
- Are you sure? - Yes, Lynn! I think she's a bit star-struck! There you are.
She is.
Cheers.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
Um.
A quick, er, Jimmy Riddle.
I know what I was doing was incredibly dangerous.
Monty's fearful reputation precedes him.
It's said he's known on his allotments simply as The Don, although that may be because his surname is Don.
Time to talk turkey.
As I see it, Power Plant With Monty Don would combine the best qualities of Top Gear with the very best qualities of Gardeners' World.
And I think you're perfectly placed to present that because, of course, you're one of those people who can talk about, for example, pansies, without feeling in any way self-conscious.
When the public watch you on television, Monty Don, they feel like they're in the garden with you.
That's very kind of you.
Thanks, thank you very much.
- Oh, no, think nothing of it.
- Calm down, Lynn, calm down.
Lynn doesn't have a garden.
She's got a couple of hanging baskets and a window box.
- Um, yes.
- That sounds a bit rude, doesn't it? Hey, Lynn? Mm.
Couple of hanging baskets and a window box! Oh, don't cover your brooch.
Oh, but, no, by the way, this is all on me.
No, I'm very happy to do this.
This will be my treat.
Not at all.
No, I'm pretty flush at the moment, and I don't just mean, uh, my BBC salary.
Being back on television - certainly opens doors, if you know what I mean.
- Mm.
Nah, being back on the old idiot box certainly greases the wheels, if you know what I mean.
Yes.
- There it was - Yes.
Yes.
the first chink in his armour.
Skip the surf.
Can I have more turf? The time was right to strike.
So turf and turf? You like nuts, then? Mm, I love them.
Very good.
Never mind peanuts, how about pound nuts? I don't think I know pound nuts.
Never had 'em.
Forget cash-ew nuts.
How about cash nuts? I'm not sure I'm following you here, Alan.
Let's say we go ahead and make Power Plant With Monty Don.
If you could, for example, use a Spear & Jackson trowel to plough a small furrow for some seeds you may well find a big fat envelope worming its way into your satchel.
Now listen.
I would not, never have, and I would not conceivably Wait, wait, wait, whoa! Monty, we are just two guys chewing the fat.
Regardless of what I think, there are BBC guidelines.
Come on! Do you think John Craven gets by on his BBC salary? If you give him 500 knicker, he will name-check a bag of animal feed on Countryfile.
Bung him one large, he'll eat the stuff himself.
So what's your price, Monty? - I have no price.
No.
- A million pounds? This is getting really OK, a billion? Ha, OK, a billion pounds? Yeah, yeah, sure, for a billion pounds, I would Cheers! I got ya! Ah! Well, I've just come from the table where Monty Don has admitted he would accept financial inducements to promote products, and whilst the figure mentioned may have been fanciful, it seems that everyone has their price.
- The question now is - Alan? - Go.
Are these Donty! Are these with you? Um I don't think so.
Are you guys with me? Alan? Wh-what's going on? What's? Er This Is Your Life! - Alan, that's a menu.
- Yes, it says "menu".
I know, yeah, that's right.
If you just look up there Alan! Just remembered, I've got a dentist appointment! Can you pay for dinner? Pay for dinner, yeah? Pay for dinner! It seems that everyone has their price.
And this is the dossier of evidence that will be presented to the DG of the BBC by me.
Originally titled, A Different Kind of Abuse At The BBC, and then, in brackets, just to be clear, not sexual, it's now called, A Common Future, colon, Moving Forward Together.
Let the winds of change blow.
And now to the kitchen, where Jennie's getting squiffy on cocktails! Ha-ha! Not yet, Alan.
But it looks like we might be.
- How bad is it, Lynn? - Well, the credit card's cancelled.
- How bad? - And they'll issue a new one.
- How many transactions? - 110.
- Oh, Jesus.
So you do need to go through them and say which ones aren't you.
Well, everything in the last 20 minutes, obviously.
- But everything before that IS you? - Yes.
So the packet of three men's slimming corsets, purchases at 2.
31pm? - Men's slimming corsets? - Yes.
- Slimming corsets? - Yes.
- Corsets? - Yes! Well, as you can see, I've never heard of them.
It was before you revealed your card details.
Lynn, Lynn, hey, it could very well have been you.
You've got the means.
You'd be high on the list of suspects, if those TV detectives that you like, Egg and Onion - Rosemary and Thyme.
- Yeah, them.
if they were investigating corsetry theft in Sheringham, - you would be a person of interest.
- Oh.
As opposed to a person who's interesting.
And never talk about my slimming corsets in front of a make-up woman.
Their tongues wag more than a happy dog's tail.
Alan, back in five.
If you don't have a little shot glass at home, it's not the end of the world.
- And back to you, Alan.
- Thanks, Jennie! Simon, a quick check on the progress of the canine commemorators? Well, wh-wh-where are the dog people? Well, we, we can't get hold of them, on their phones.
- That's how we're keeping track? We're just phoning them? - Uh, yes.
We should probably have a GPS fix there, really.
I'd have thought so.
It's easy enough.
You just slip an iPhone into someone's handbag.
That's what I do with my assistant when she says she's taking the afternoon off for a chiropody appointment.
"Oh, look, she's in Debenhams.
" Well, Lucy in the office is trying to get hold of them.
"Lucy in the office".
You keep mentioning Lucy in the office.
Um Lucy in the office? Lucy in the sky with diamonds? - You're sweet on her.
- No, no, she's nice, a nice girl.
Have you told her? You should tell her.
You can't live with your mum forever.
- Which one is she? - You won't know her.
- Do you? What's - Let's have a look at some tweets! Never mind your tweets! Let's have a look at her.
- Look at this! - Hi! Hello! Simon, I think, has got something to say to you.
- Oh, Alan.
No, it's - I know.
It's fine.
I think he's doing it his way.
No, it's just, I was wondering With conviction! Would you like to go for a drink one night? Sure, yeah.
You don't have to say yes cos you're on live television.
- No.
I'd love to.
- Yes.
- Two lovebirds! - Well.
- On the show.
Going to be one down at the pub quiz now.
- Never bloody see him again! Lucy? - Yeah? Look after him! Lovely.
Now! Bang, bang.
Bang, bang.
The sound, there, of a heart halting.
Very realistic.
But, what if that happened here, now, to me or to Alan? Or more likely, the show's producer.
He does get very stressed! Anyway, would you know what to do? I have to admit I wouldn't, but luckily I am sat next to a man who does, because Alan is trained in, let me get this right, cardio pulmonary resuscitation, or CPR.
- There you go.
- And it's something you believe, I got it right, people should do regularly, isn't it? - I do, and it's not a huge sacrifice.
- Uh-huh.
Only takes an afternoon.
Make it a monthly thing, just like checking your smoke alarm or asking your cleaner about her chemo.
Here's Alan's guide to saving lives.
Every day people collapse, but if an injured person lay prone in front of you, would you know what to do? Well, I would.
You see, in 1999, I hosted an event called "So You Wanna Work For Halfords?" High jinx ensued and, long story short, a chap swallowed his tongue and we all had to go home, which is why now, one afternoon a month, I brush up on my CPR skills.
The victim? Well, I use a 35kg replica, purchased from my late friend, Pete Gavitas.
He supplied similar units to several of our group.
You're all right, love.
British Heart Foundation use a simple torso and head model, but I've gone for a full-size, full-weight unit with workable joints.
I set about creating a different scenario each month.
In today's set-up, my brother's wife Eileen is visiting for the weekend, so we can go to the boat show and indulge our shared love of speedboats and jet bikes! But today, I'm about to find her unconscious, having overdosed, because she hates my brother.
And now we're ready.
On discovering a prone body Are you all right? .
.
attempt to rouse them.
Eileen, can you hear me? Eileen? Come on, Eileen! Come on, Eileen! Check for signs of breathing.
And then, while waiting for the paramedics to get a move on, begin CPR.
Tilting the head back, lift the chin, then pinch the nose closed and dock.
And then it's chest compressions.
To achieve the correct tempo, some suggest thinking of the disco track, Staying Alive, but for me, the Bee Gees' classic has a somewhat namby-pamby quality.
Instead, I opt for Queen's Another One Bites The Dust, a pounding rock number that provides an important dose of realism.
Another One Bites The Dust by Queen How do you think I'm going to get along without you when you're gone? You took me for everything that I had and kicked me out on my own Are you happy, are you satisfied? How long can you stand the heat? Out of the doorway the bullets rip to the sound of the beat Look out! Ah! After an hour of practice, it's time for a well-earned breather with a good book and a warm drink .
.
before lugging the unit back upstairs to be stowed.
' Don't forget to clean the mouth.
Well, important stuff there.
Yes, look after your heart.
You only get one.
Unless you are an octopus or a cuttlefish, in which case you have three! Yeah, or my ex-wife, in which case you've got none.
- Now, they say - Yeah, a really nasty woman.
every face is unique, but maybe some are less unique than others.
Have you ever wondered what it would be like to make a living impersonating a celebrity? Well, joining us now, we have a couple of lookalikes, or if you're German, zwei doppelganger.
Please welcome Trevor Mortimer, aka 007, Daniel Craig, and Martin Brennan aka our very own Alan Partridge.
Martin, we'll come to you in a second, but Trevor, being James Bond takes you all over, doesn't it? Yes, I've been all over the world, actually.
Hmm, and big question, have you ever met Daniel Craig? I have actually.
I was in Quantum Of Solace with him.
- And, do you have his phone number? - Happily married.
Wow! So you've actually been in a James Bond film? I have, yeah.
I, FYI, was in the TV epic, Jesus of Nazareth, with Robert Powell.
Wow.
Yeah, I was in Tunisia.
Oh, what were you doing there? I was on my honeymoon, and I decided to spend the week as an extra.
And I was part of this big scene where Pontius Pilate turns to the crowd and says, "I may show mercy to one man.
Shall I release Jesus or Barabbas?" And, I'm one of the extras in the background, shouting, "Barabbas, please!" Now, Martin, hello, or shall I say, aha? Ha-ha! It's "aha", there's no aitch.
- Did I put in a haitch? - You did put an "aitch" in, yeah.
Now normally you're a farmer in the west of Ireland.
- I am.
- OK.
And how long have you been an Alan impersonator? Since a week Thursday.
Since a week Thursday.
My cousin said, "Martin, you look like the fella off the TV.
" Showed me on the computer, I said, "Who de hell is dat?" - He said, "It's, uh, you know - Alan Partridge.
I said, "Who de hell is dat?!" He said, "He's a famous fella.
Used to be on the TV, way back.
" I had never heard of you.
I said, "Who de hell is dat?" Why does he keep saying that? I'd never heard I didn't know who you were, but me cousin said, "You'd be as well being a Martin Brennan impersonator in Sligo.
" Nah! Because I'm never going to go there.
You'd be welcome on the farm, as long as you roll your sleeves up, get your hands dirty.
Up the yards! - Who's that? - That's my cousin.
He said he'd like to see you on the farm.
You're man'd be feeding turf to the sheep, - trying to get a pig to lay an egg.
- No.
- Milking the bulls.
- What? I said you'd be trying to milk the bulls.
- Dirty get! Disgusting.
- Ha-ha! "Aha" - there's no aitch.
Ah, feck, I did the haitch again.
Aitch.
And I've not actually said "aha" for years.
- Yes, you have.
- When? Trying to get into the Johnnie Walker tent at Silverstone.
Only to prove who I was.
I'd lost my wrist band.
Still said it.
Well, Trevor and Martin, thank you so much for joining us.
Good, now, I believe our intrepid campaigners are arriving into Downing Street to present their police dog petition.
Oh.
Let's have a look.
Awful hot in here.
Oh.
Right, they're not there.
They've not got there.
There's a cat.
There's a cat.
Martin, are you having a nice time? Grand.
I've not put my hand in my pocket since I left.
And they paid me 500 pound.
So if any fool wants to pay me 500 pound to jibber and jabber, I'll take his money.
It's a standard fee, so I got something for you.
Ooh! Exciting.
Oooh, ooh, oh! Look in there now.
Oh.
- Ah! Uh? - The name is there.
- It's a It's a tortoise.
- His name is Alun.
Yeah, um, pretty sure these are illegal.
- Where did you get it? - Yeah, if you want any more of those, you come and see me.
She doesn't want any more.
She's asking where you got it.
I got a friend in County Kildare does them.
Well, you talk to me.
Uh, well.
I think, sorry, if anyone's concerned - we will contact the RSPCA.
- Yeah.
But, lovely gesture.
Lovely Irish gesture.
Well, I'm afraid that's all we've got time for tonight.
- Now we couldn't let you go without a little song.
- No.
Thank you anyway, but we've got a great montage of police dogs set to music.
We do indeed, yes.
I love you as I never loved before You're going to ruin a slow-mo sequence of Alsatians jumping up and biting the arms of dog handlers, set to Hungry Like The Wolf by Duran Duran.
It's great TV.
Come on lads, come on.
Come to me Please stop playing.
Oh, my dream of love is o'er I love you as I loved you When you were sweet When you were Sweet sixteen Come out ye Black and Tan Come out and fight me like a man Show your wife how you won medals down in Flanders Tell her how the IRA made you run like hell away From the green and lovely lanes of Killashandra Armoured cars and tanks and guns Came to take away our sons But every man just stand behind the men behind the wire Come on, Simon! Armoured cars and tanks and guns Came to take away our sons But every man just stand behind the men behind the WI-IRE! Ha, that was grand, then, yeah.
Mighty.
Yeah.
Double-O fecking bollocks.
Oh, my God, that was like a advert for the IRA.
Who are we going to blame? Find out who booked them and sack her.