Three's Company (1977) s01e04 Episode Script

Come and knock on our door we've been waiting for you where the kisses are hers and hers and his three's company too come and dance on our floor take a step that is new we've a lovable space that needs your face three's company too you'll see that life is a ball again laughter is calling for you down at our rendezvous three's company too ya? Oh, hey, janet, come o n in for a second, will sure.
You know i finished that spicy book you gave me to read.
That was quick.
I just gave it to you yesterday.
L.
Yeah, well i'm no foo wn.
I went straight for the pa ges with the corners turned do i read it last night in bed.
M.
It was like reading a gour met menu at a health far well, i'm glad you enjoyed it.
Oh, don't go yet.
Come on, sit down a minute y.
I haven't spoken to a s oul in this whole da well, what about mr.
Roper? S, him-huh-all i get from him is one grunt for ye er.
Two grunts for no, and a b urp when he wants his dinn rs.
That's all i've go tten for 20 yea well, almost-it'll be 20 yea rs day after tomorrow your anniversary? Ah.
Ye oh, wow, how great! Are you gonna see a show or anything? A," oh, yes, yes, we'll see a show, all right, "barett followed by "charlie's angels.
" This is our social calendar.
Ary.
He won't even remem ber it's our annivers ah, i can't imagine anybody forgetting a thing like that.
Le.
Oh i do envy y ou, young peop aah, the life you lead oh, there's nothing to it.
You just have to be flat broke.
G.
Yeah, but there's y our boyfriends and everythin yeah, but they're only after one thing.
U! Oh, i do envy yo stupid doctor! That stupid doctor! Stanley, what happened? He said i was in perfect shape.
Isn't that good? Not to stanley y when he goes for a checkup he thinks he's wasting his mone im.
Unless the doctor find s something wrong with h there's plenty wrong with me.
I can't argue with that helen.
Oh, i'm sorry, stanley, did you tell him about your pain? No, we didn't talk about you.
Oh, by the way, you wife was just telling me that day after tomorrow is a very special day.
Special? Uh-huh.
Wednesday? "Baretta"! "Charlie's angels"! See? I tried.
See ya later.
Ah, hold it.
Hold it.
Hold it.
I want you to talk to your roommate, chrissy, and warn her.
Okay-about what? Ock well, i was looking out this window about three o'cl aked in the morning and i saw her walking around half-n wn.
In her nightgo what-oh my god-she's sleep walking, again! D.
Sleep walking-e h-this is a decent neighborhoo ep, now, if she wants to w alk in her sle you tell her to get dresse d before going to bed.
That's a brilliant idea! All right, stanley, how did you just happen to be peeping out the window at three o'clock in the morning? Peeping? Me-i wasn't peeping.
L-i wanted to see what th e weather was like.
Then why didn't you look out our bedroom window? And wake you up? You wouldn't want me to wake yo up in the middle of the night, would you? Heaven's no! And break your perfect record? You mean i walked out into the street in my nightie? Oh, janet, i am so embarrassed! Oh, hey, forget embarrassed.
I'm just glad that you weren't hurt, that's all now, chrissy, what's making you walk in your sleep this time? Chrissy, what's bothering you- - what's- well, chrissy, what? Oh, it must be mr.
Rogers.
His secretary's out sick and i' substituting for her this week.
Oh, is he giving you a rough time? Oh, i just can't keep up with him.
He dictates too fast? It's not his dictation- it's his hands.
The girls in the office call him christopher columbus.
What? The explorer? Hey, why don't you complain to his boss? He is the boss you have got a problem.
Hi! And the one thing i'm concerned about with now is the sleep walking, though.
Sleep walking-what are yo u talking about? Jack, chrissy walked in her sleep last night right out into the street.
Are you serious? How long has this been going on? Oh, it started when i was a kid.
You know it wasn't easy being a minister's daughter i had to be the best in school, the best in bible class- and when i couldn't do that , i got so nervous, i started walking in my sleep.
Well, just relax.
I've got something that wil l take your mind off of it.
I wonder what he's up to this time.
What've you got oh what a sweet little thing.
Yeah- oh, oh, how cute.
Oh, where did you get him? My friend, larry, gave him to me.
Honest larry- the used car salesman? Only thing larry ever gave anyone was the business.
Oh, come on-just because he calls himself "honest larry" doesn't mean he's a croo k.
Besides, this time i gave him the business.
How? Well, larry has a soft spot for animals, and he wanted to get rid of this litter of pups so i took one.
And that's giving him the business? Well, i also owed him $25 and i told him that if i took a puppy, he'd have to cancel the debt.
Ah, you've got a soft spot, too , right here.
What do ya mean? We can't keep it.
Why not? Oh, janet- oh, now come on, you guys, you know roper's rules- no dogs or babies allowed.
Oh yeah, well, we're keeping half of the bargain-so far.
If we keep this dog, mr.
Roper will cancel our lease.
We'll be out on the street! She's right, ja ck.
Well, what am i supposed to do, now? Hey.
Larry's not gonna take that dog back- that lousy, used car salesman! Hi, larry, we were just talking about you! Hi, jack! Come on in! You know larry.
Hi.
Sure-what are you giving away this time- your pet tarantula? Larry, it's about the dog- me.
I know.
I know.
You don't have to tell oh, that's a relief.
I thought you'd object.
Why would i object isn't he something? Er.
And, i'm not go ing to charge for it, eith charge for what? Ah, this rubber bone - i forgot to give it to jack.
It's good for the teeth i didn't know your teeth were giving you trouble, jack.
It's for the puppy.
Larry, you're gonna have to take this dog back.
You don't want that sweet , little-cute, little-loveable, little larry, we are not allowed to have any pets.
U? You've got him, haven't yo he's housebro ken.
Here.
No, no, wait, whoa, whoa- wha t about the 25 bucks i'll pay you somehow-here.
Ow.
Hey, she really likes yo u, you kn larry- she knows you wouldn't- you- betray her- larry, please, we just can't have a dog! Oh, much as we love her- why don't you hold her for a minute, chrissy.
Larry! Okay, okay, i get the message.
Well, that's it, little girl, i've tried everybody i know nobody seems to want you.
I guess i'll just to have to- - you know- at? Have to wh have her put to sleep.
Larry, hey, that horror story stuff is not gonna work here, man.
Yeah, well, ah, you mustn't blame yourselves.
We-we won't.
Okay.
It's the last time you'll be seeing her.
You wanna give her one, la st, little stroke, chrissy larry? Yeah? Bye.
I'm going.
Well- e? Anyone for coffe hey, he won't do it- you know? Not larry-that old softie.
How about a cookie? I mean, he will have to get rid of it somehow- what i mean he'll give it to someone else.
Y? Would you li ke a cookie, chriss anyway, it's not my responsibility, is it? Nd- look at this - it's your favorite ki chocolate chip got nothing to do with me! I'm not gonna lose any sleep over a stupid little puppy! Oh for heavens sakes - go get the dog right.
Hey lar- i'll see ya, you old softie chrissy chrissy.
Oh my god.
Oh, jack! Jack! What is it? Chrissy is walking in her sleep again-come on! Chrissy- oh boy, just as i was dozing off.
Why can't she sleep walk in the daytime? Stop shouting.
You'll wake her.
I'm not shouting! Owww ieeee! Quietly.
I almost broke my neck on this garbage can.
I don't know how to do that quietly.
Ht- that's a girl-in the doo r-that's right-that's rig no- okay-no-no-no- that's it.
Go, now-back to bed.
I don't know she can make i t down those steps asleep.
I'm awake and i fall down that's a girl.
She's getting back in bed is she really still asleep? Yeah.
Oh boy, i hope she doesn' t keep walking all night.
Yeah, well, maybe i'll just leave my bedroom door open just in case.
Maybe not- well, i'll just go put some iodine on this graze.
Goodnight.
Don't worry about me.
It's just a flesh wound, i'll be fine.
Shh-shhh-shhh- you'll wake the ropers.
Quiet! Shh! If roper catches you, he'll sel l you to the burger joint on the corner! What's the matter little, girl? Hmm-hmm- what's going on? Little thing can't sleep.
You know-maybe she's hungry.
Yeah.
You better feed her.
You wanna have some din-din , huh, little baby? Watch out for that table.
Oh, boy.
Oh what are we gonna do? Chrissy, chrissy? Oh, that's cute! Yeah, there's nothing a girl likes more than a little tickle on the tummy.
Not like that! Like this.
Yeah, is that better? Ooohhh, that is much better.
You are so beautiful! A blanket.
Oh, no, it's warm enough in here.
Oh, ooohhhh, i love your eyes.
Ooohhh- here you go.
This is gonna make you feel so goooood.
Ooh-i could kiss every inch of you! No, jack! Not on the table! On the floor is better- all right, you guys, knock it off! Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
Oh, doesn't anybody sleep at night anymore? It's probably larry tryin g to sell some used ear plugs.
E? You got a dog up her what makes you think that? I've been hea ring a lot of whimpering.
Oh, you mean like this? Yeah.
And, uh- when i hurt myself, i cry, and that's the way i cry.
You really are a very strange person.
You know, lucky for you, you don't have a dog up here, otherwise, you'd be out on the street, and that goes for all of you! Toe- very strange.
We gotta get rid of that dog.
Oh, i hope jack finds someone to take her.
Yeah, but you know he's already made about 20 calls.
I feel so sorry for the poor little thing.
She's no place to go.
Are you kidding? I counted six places she's gone already.
Ck? Any lu no luck.
Here, would you take a look at this dog food? See if it's supposed to be heated.
Oh, janet, i'm sorry to bother you but i need to borrow some milk.
Milk? Milk.
Of course you can borrow some milk, mrs.
Roper.
Of course you can mrs.
Roper.
See i had a quart but it went sour.
Mr.
Roper fixed our fridge, and you know how he fixes things.
Now it defrosts every time we flush the toilet.
How nice.
Chrissy, would you bring mrs.
Roper some milk? Oh, you girls don't have to wait on me.
I'll get it myself.
Oh you wanna go into the kitchen yourself mrs.
Roper? Do find it a trifle noisy in here, dear? Come in, mrs.
Roper.
Hi, here you are.
Oh, thank you, chrissy.
Hello, jack.
Oh, oh, is that something you made in cooking school today? Yes as a matter of fact, it is.
It's a beef borgignon oh, that's french isn't it uh, most of it.
That looks delicious! Oh, but that's not enough for the three of you is it? Uh, leftovers.
I was just throwing this out.
Oh, no, no, don't throw it out.
Oh yes, there's too much for us.
Yes.
Oh, well, it'll be a nice chang e for mr.
Roper.
The only time he tries something french is when he gets a side order with his big mac.
Mrs.
Roper, i can't let you have that.
Why not? Uh, well, it's uh, cold.
Oh, i'll heat it up in a jiffy.
Thanks, kids.
Sure.
Oh, what are we gonna do now? I don't know.
I guess the little puppy will just have to go hungry.
Hold it.
Hold it.
Hey, we can't let roper eat dog food.
Oh, why not? It's only horse meat.
Well, you know a lot of people do eat horse meat.
Yeah, maybe with a b? Éarnaise sauce but not with added bone meal and marrow bone jelly.
Maybe it'll give roper a nice glossy coat.
Besides maybe he just won't eat it.
Right, there is only one way to tell.
The next time we see roper, we'll throw a stick.
If he fetches- i think i'd better go down and stop him.
I fixed that drain pipe.
I must of gone up and down that ladder 50 times today.
Well, you should be getting the hang of it soon.
So much to do around here.
You know that ladder's really been a big help to me.
Why don't you bring it into the bedroom sometime? I hope you got something good to eat.
I'm so hungry i could eat a horse! Special treat for your tonight, stanley.
Jack made it.
It's beef borgignon.
What's all that j elly stuff in there it's supposed to be in there.
Ny.
Smells fun it's french! Oh.
Why aren't you having some? Oh, well, there wasn't enough for both of us so i'm just having this ste w that was leftover from last night.
Sure this stuff is good? Oh, for heavens sake, stanley, jack made it.
It's a gourmet dish.
It's wonderful.
Then you eat it.
I'm gonna stick with the stew.
T.
I'm not in the mo od to experimen you never are.
Your stew's not very good, but at least i'm used to it.
Oh, hi, jack.
I'm sorry to bust in on you like this.
I can't let you eat that, mr.
Roper.
Wait a minute-wait a minute! Hey.
Hey.
Hey.
I'll just dump this down the sink here.
Helen, stop him! I'll explain later, mr.
Roper.
That was my dinner.
Yes, well, goodnight.
He dumped my dinner down the sink.
I heard.
What is he, crazy or something? Oh, he's probably just shy abou t people eating his cooking when he's still a student he dumped my dinner down the sink! Oh, now don't get excited stanley.
My dinner's floating out to sea and you tell me not to get excited? I'll fix you something else never mind, never mind.
I'll eat some of this french- - uh-whatever you call it janet, i've just been in the bathroom.
Oh! Must you announce those things? The puppy's not there, it's gone! What? I thought you took it to bed with you.
No, i wouldn't do that.
What about the fleas? I don't think the dog would mind.
Janet, that little puppy could not climb out of the box herself.
Someone must have taken it! Chrissy? Yeah.
Chrissy! Yeah? Oh, jack! Oh! I'm sorry.
Oh, no, no.
Listen, that's my fault.
I shouldn't stick my nose into other people's doors ee? Want some coff oh, no time, i've gotta get to work.
Chrissy, have you seen the puppy? Oh, yeah.
The ropers have it.
What?! Chrissy, wait a minute! How did that pup py get down there well i gave it to them.
At? You wh why did you give it to the ropers? Well, i had to find a good home for it and this way we have visiting rights.
Oh, good chrissy, you blew it.
Now, we've really had it.
The ropers know we were keeping a dog up here.
No they don't.
But if you gave it to them , they have to ah, ah-see, they don't k now that i gave it to them.
What'd you do, wear a mask? No, i wore my robe.
See i put it out on their front door step this morning.
Oh, you didn't leave that little puppy down there all by itself did you? Of course not.
I waited until i saw mrs.
Roper pick it up.
See, i put in a place where i knew they wouldn't miss it- on top of their morning paper.
I bet that put a damper on their news.
Chrissy, what made, what made you think that, uh, mrs.
Roper would want a dog? Well, anybody who loves parakeets must love dogs.
What about mr.
Roper? Well, i guess she loves him too, otherwise she wouldn't stay with him.
Chrissy! I got to get to work, janet.
E! Wait a minut good morning, chrissy.
Oh, ho, ho.
Isn't he darling? Where did you get it? Some blonde left him on my doorstep.
Oh, you saw me-i mean her ar.
I'm afraid so, de oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Hey, gee.
I must've been sleep walking again.
Yes, she walks around the neighborhood.
You always put on your robe and slippers before you go sleep walking, chrissy? Uh, well, uh, mrs.
Roper, we can explain.
You see i know it looks really strange- did you tell him about that french food i ate last night? Hey! That's a dog.
Very good, stanley.
You ate that stu ff i sent down last night yeah.
What's a dog doing in my building? I don't allow that.
Oh, now stanley, stop pretending.
It's the cutest little anniversary present you ever gave me.
What? Happy anniversary, mr.
Roper.
Anniversary? And what a darling way to give him to me- to surprise me that way- - leaving him on the doorstep.
Yeah, well- isn't that right, chrissy yeah.
Just what i always wanted.
Well l-i knew that.
Thank you, stanley.
Oh, i almost forgot the- - the reason i came up here- about that french food that i ate last night.
Oh, i'm sorry.
I thought i flushed that down the drain.
No, that was my wife's dinner.
Your stuff was delicious.
Do me a favor will you? Give my wife the recipe.
I mean-the stuff she feed s ain't fit for a dog.
Three's company was videotaped in front of a studio audience.
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