Threesome (2011) s01e04 Episode Script

1 Hey, Timmy.
Double vodka Coke.
I mean, single vodka Coke.
I mean, Coke.
Diet Coke.
Sorry, mineral water.
I was reading in the Metro, right? You know how much it costs to raise a child in the city? - Two hundred grand.
- What? And that's not even dressing them in really nice clothes.
Thanks, Dave.
Okay, well, can you hurry up and please get massively promoted.
Well, yeah, or how about DJ Dole Queue over there gets himself an actual What's the word, where you do that thing and they give you money? - Oh, prostitution? - A job.
Boom! To the beat, to the bass, to the base.
Awesome! I had them in the palm of my hand.
Yeah, that many punters, mate, you literally could.
Oi! Mr Man, Mr Suit, Mr Nine-to-Five, I got wages.
Oh, yeah.
25 quid.
- Oh, congratulations, honey.
- Thanks.
- And they are one cool set of cans.
- Ah.
I got them in the sale, 50 quid.
So minus the 25 quid from the gig tonight, that gives us a cool 25 quid profit.
No, no, honey, honey, you're 25 quid down, not up.
- Dave? - Yeah.
So, uh, all we got to do now is raise £200,000.
And 25 quid.
So tell me, Mr Ennis, why did you decide to seek work in administration? Well, um, it speaks for itself, don't it? Administration is just another word for fun.
Do you have any previous experience? Yes, I was recently employed at a sperm bank.
In which position? Sort of a bit like At the coal face.
So, anything else that Yes, I was a customer service liaisons operator.
- That's good.
- Hmm-mmm.
- Where was this? - On a hotdog van.
- Anything else? - Yes.
Then a senior marketing and communications officer.
- And this was - Also on the hotdog van, yes.
And it it says here, it says here that you you speak fluent Urdu? Yes, yes, it does say that.
On reflection, that may be a bit of a lie.
So, apparently I don't have what it takes to push pens around and not answer the phones properly.
Oh, honey.
Why don't we get you home and I'll cheer it up, eh? Will you make me one of your special omelettes? Yeah, of course I will.
Hey, do you remember the first time I made you those omelettes? We were staying in that chalet.
The horse with the three legs and the double rainbow.
I don't think I've ever been so happy in my life.
- Alice? - Alice.
So sorry.
It's just my hormones.
I'm all over the place with my emotions and my body temperature.
Either that or it's incredibly hot and sad out here.
I'll get the milk and the eggs.
Do you have any money? - Do you have any money? - Yeah.
- Sorry.
- Here, you go on.
Okay? Mate, you know what I'm going to say.
- You've got to get yourself a job.
- I know, I know.
You haven't even got her a proper engagement ring.
A ring pull.
Come on.
I've seen a ring I like but it's 500 quid.
I haven't got that sort of money.
And Look at those pigeons shagging.
- Let's go this way.
- What? - Richie? - Huh? - Ben? Ben! - Oh, my God.
- Fancy seeing you.
- Ben! - How are you? - I'm good.
God, you haven't changed.
Well, you Bloody hell, you neither.
Uh, Ben.
Hi.
You are? - Mitch, great to meet you.
- You too.
- Are you, uh, you well? - I'm good, I'm good.
You? Good, yeah, yeah.
I'm sensing, um, ex? Yeah, yeah, sort of.
Now, Richie, always did like a handsome, handsome fellow.
- Is that right? - Mmm, yeah.
Smart suit, check.
Jawline you could cut glass on, check.
Athletic physique, check.
So, what's the back story? Uh Well, uh, Ben's Alice's ex.
Yes.
- Ben? - Hello, gorgeous.
Oh, my God, Ben.
What? - How are you? - I'm good.
So weird seeing you.
I mean, when did you get back to the UK? A few months ago.
I just missed Britain, you know.
Proper tea, terrible coffee, wonky teeth.
What were you doing out there? Uh, finance stuff, boring.
Just a load of cock-waving over who's got the quickest Ferrari.
So, we got engaged, me and Alice.
Wow.
- The party girl.
- Yeah.
- Congratulations.
- Yes, it is.
Yes, we are.
I mean, yes.
Pretty glitzy affair.
Oh, well, let's see the ring.
I say "glitzy" - So, what are you doing around here? - Hmm.
Well, I am looking into this restaurant in town tomorrow.
Maybe investing.
You guys should come for lunch, or dinner or after lunch, whatevs.
Oh, we'd love to.
But we can't because we're having our 12-week scan.
Oh, didn't we mention, Alice is having a baby.
Wow, wow.
- Congratulations again.
- Thank you.
Lucky man.
So, Alice is having your baby? The details aren't important.
- Well, cheers.
- Cheers.
Good to see you.
He was just so handsome.
I think I think that's what one really remembers about Ben.
- How handsome he is.
- Oh, Mitch.
I think his handsomeness was my favourite thing about him.
Oh, no, no, no.
It was his charm.
Yeah, that was my favourite thing.
Or was it his money? But that's the thing about Ben, there is so much to choose from.
Honey, please stop.
You've got absolutely nothing to feel jealous about.
Alice is right.
She dumped Ben.
And a couple of months later, she found you.
If anyone should feel insecure, it's it's him.
Oh, yes, yes.
Yes, I'm sure he's crippled with self-doubt.
I bet he could barely stomach the golden helicopter ride home.
While he's soaking in his sunken bath full of diamond shekels, as he gently washes his enormous It is enormous, isn't it? Of course it is.
Have you ever thought you might like him? I mean, there is such a thing as a platonic ex, you know.
No, there isn't.
It's a contradiction in terms.
Like, "Northampton nightlife" or "Sports Personality of the Year".
Okay, honey, I'm going to go for a shower now, okay.
You did book the boiler man, didn't you? Yes, that's what I did.
I booked the boiler man.
- I didn't book the boiler man.
- Mate, it's all right.
Calm down.
No, it's not all right.
It's a massive breach of trust.
- Why? - Because that's what she called it.
I forgot to order the breast pump.
- I forgot to book the baby scan.
- Mate I forgot to email that round-robin pregnancy update thing to all her fascinated friends.
Alice was very clear.
I'm on my final warning.
God help me! Mate, mate.
Do you have any idea what you're doing? Yes, saving my relationship.
Saving What do you know about boilers? This.
This thing.
With the clock face, the dial, the hands, the little hand, the big pan, they need to cover up the blackness.
It's too low.
So, you know, I need a thing for the thing, you know, the thingy.
- What thing? What sort of thingy? - Thing! The thing.
- What thing? - I need a thing.
I need a wotsit.
A crisp? No, I need a a spanner.
- Well, where from? - From the spanner drawer.
Span We don't have a spanner drawer! What are you talking about, spanner drawer? Give me something spannery.
Something spannery.
Oh.
- Here.
- Come on.
Thank you.
- Wedge it in.
- Get me something metal.
Get me something metal, please? Please? - A spoon? - Yeah.
- Here.
- Thank you.
Okay, okay, I'm going to try it now go and see what the tap is saying.
Go see what the tap is saying.
Okay, I'm trying it now.
What does it say? - What does it say? - Oh.
- Oh, it's warm.
- It's warm, it's warm.
It's a bit Oh, God, it's a bit, sort of, brown.
Jesus.
Oh, what's the tap saying now? Uh, it's cold.
Cold? Why is there no hot water? And very brown.
Oh, God, there's shit coming out of the shower.
Oh, my God.
I'm showering in shit! - Get in the car.
- We don't have a car.
Get in the car.
God, it's like slugs are in my sinuses.
Mitch, have you seen my red tie? Oh, I'm so bunged up.
My red tie, my favourite one you got me that Alice chose and paid for.
I think I saw it when I did the washing.
You can't wash it, it's silk.
Right.
I'll remember that.
Thank God the water's back and clean.
Yeah, sorry about that, princess.
I don't know what happened there.
It's not your fault if you booked the man who doesn't do the job properly.
Yeah, that's what happened.
Yeah, the man didn't do his job properly.
- How did you fix it? - The holistic method.
I kept stroking it and saying, "Please, God, please.
" Hey, honey, don't forget the scan at lunch today.
- One o'clock, yeah? - Not in a million years.
Uh, joke of the day How many priests does it take to change a light bulb? I don't know.
How many? Nun.
All right.
I've got to go.
Listen, you feel better, okay? - Better.
- All right, all right.
- Cheerio.
I'll see you at the hospital.
- All right.
- You look like a little nun.
- Mmm-hmm.
- Shall I get him another tie? - Yes, please.
Okay.
But you owe me sex for this.
And I'm talking minutes.
- Feel better.
- I will, goodbye.
Oh, no.
No, no, no, no.
Shit! Well, I spoke to your colleague.
I said, "There's no hot water.
"The pilot light's not on, "and, you know, it all sort of just went boom!" Can you smell any gas, sir? No, no, I can't smell anything.
I am so bunged up.
And to be honest with you, I feel quite poorly.
I think it might be I need to confirm you don't have a gas Leak.
Is there someone who can smell for gas on your behalf? - No! No! - Uh A neighbour? No, they all hate us.
Then I'll have to send an emergency engineer round.
No, you can't do that.
I've got to be at the hospital! I can't be here.
Right then, we'll have to force entry.
Unless you can get someone else to smell for gas on your behalf.
God, all right.
I'm gonna get someone.
Gonna get someone! Oh, please, could you come in and sniff my flat? Could you sniff it? Oh, hello.
Please could you just come in and sniff my flat for me, please? Oh.
Oh, madam, please, could you come in and sniff my flat? Please? Oh, God.
It's nothing sexual.
I just need someone to sniff my flat.
Please.
Sniff it! Please sniff it.
Why won't anyone sniff my flat? Turn on your phone.
Richie, I'm trapped in the flat.
The flat might explode.
There's a man coming round, I might not make it to the hospital, and I'm totally freaking out.
Tell Alice I love her.
- Maybe he saw a pigeon gang bang.
- What? No, he'll be here.
Come on, it's Mitch, he wouldn't let us down.
Now, you see, whoever you had round, has only tightened that valve so tight, they've stripped the thread off.
And that's why you need to go to Gas Safe.
It's your only guarantee of quality.
Oh, that's terrible.
If you could maybe work a bit faster.
Are you denigrating the quality of Gas Safe? - Oh, God, no.
No, sorry.
- Hmm.
Yeah, well, I can patch it up.
But basically it's broke.
What's the name on the invoice? Uh, Richard Valentine.
And they also said you could do a thing where you detect for a gas leak.
- You're safe.
- Oh, all right.
Look I've got to go.
- You let yourself out, mate.
- All right, mate.
Alice, I don't think he's going to make it.
No, he will.
I know he will.
Richie, I don't want to look, not till Mitch is here.
Alice, come on.
It's time to meet our child.
No, no.
No, I don't want to.
Not yet.
It's okay.
- Are you looking? - Yeah.
What does it look like? - I'll be honest with you.
- Yeah.
Quite a lot like Casper, The Friendly Ghost.
What? That is ridiculously cute.
Does it have your eyes? It doesn't have any eyes yet, Alice.
It doesn't have any eyes yet.
Alice, come on.
Look, this is the moment, look.
Oh, Richie, I just want Mitch to be here.
I know.
It's our baby.
- Alice? - Oh, they've just left.
Uh, Alice, I tried to get there but the boiler, it was The boiler? The boiler that you said you'd fix last week, that Richie now has to pay for because you still don't have a job.
I'll leave you two alone.
I really wanted you to be there.
We'll never get that moment back.
I just feel so sad.
I don't think it's the hormones.
Alice, can we talk about you and Mitch? Alice, come on, speak.
And don't tell me it's the bloody avoidance hormones.
You know Mitch is a wonderful, wonderful man.
Wonderful's great.
- But we're going to be parents, Richie.
- Yeah.
And that's why you've got me.
Look, us three combined equals one normal, functioning adult.
Add all our mental ages together, we're easily in double figures.
Being organised and cashed up isn't everything.
Two hundred grand.
That's the price of our future.
Yeah.
And we'll find the money.
Look, from the moment you first fell for him, you said it, "Because he makes me laugh.
" Now be honest, the one thing he's never stopped being is funny.
Funny's good.
Funny's great.
Funny's hilarious.
Try making a hungry baby laugh.
Hey, let's all go out tonight, hmm? Have a bit of us time.
Um, I can't.
Ben's taking me out.
That restaurant he was on about.
Alice, you're sure this isn't a bit What, Richie? I've just been having really, really powerful food cravings.
Just been craving a really expensive dinner in town.
- So this is actual caviar? - Actual caviar.
So this little jar was Uh, Ben if I don't eat it, can I just have the money? - Kidding.
- You should put it on a blini.
Yes, I will put my caviar on a blini, because I take my lobster on toast.
So, what do you think? You like this stuff? No, but if I order it, they know I'm important.
Oh, Ben, you just You got a little bit.
Well, I can tell you're not Greek or Irish.
That's about 15 quid you just lost there.
Mitch.
- What? - Why have you locked the door? I'm doing something for Alice.
- Well, I want to make a sandwich.
- Well, you can't.
Hey, I'm starving.
- Well, go out and get one.
- Let me in.
Oh, my God, this is amazing.
See, I'm eating for two now and the baby is loving this.
So, Ben, tell me what's it like being a multi-millionaire success story? It's great, perfect.
You'd love it.
Hmm, well, memo to self.
Must remember to be rich one day.
It's just always slipping my mind.
Well, it could've been us, but Why did you split up with me? How's your wine? Fantastic.
Sip? Oh, no, I really I really shouldn't.
Oh, my God.
That's amazing.
It's funny, because I've normally been so good about not giving in.
I mean, normally I only really, really want to drink when I'm bored.
Ben, tell me a joke.
Uh, I don't know any jokes.
- Come on, everybody knows one.
- I never remember them.
Well, it's easy.
Okay.
How many priests does it take to change a light bulb? Nun.
Right, why none? No, no.
Nun.
N-U-N.
Oh, yes.
That's very funny.
Because she's a lady monk.
Like I said, I'm not very good with jokes.
So, anyway, I have got this amazing house in the south of France.
You guys should all come out.
You know, we'll go and mess around on the jet ski, or take a carriage ride up to the castle.
At night, they light it with torches in the driveway.
It is out of some fairy tale.
Absolutely - Hey.
- Hi.
Look, I know I screwed up and I'm really sorry, but I've got something to show you.
- All right, close your eyes.
- Okay.
Close 'em.
- What's going on? - Well, you've got to trust me, okay? - Okay, okay? - Yeah, this is kind of scary.
- Keep them closed, keep them closed.
- I promise they're closed.
- Okay, okay? - Yeah.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Whoa, whoa.
Wait there, wait there.
- Okay? - Okay, yeah.
They're closed? Okay.
Open.
Brand spanking new.
Will you do the honours? I will.
Happy hormones.
Thank you, honey.
I knew they were in there somewhere.
- You deserve it.
- Thank you.
- Will we go and have a shower? - Yes, please.
Okay, come on.
So, Mr Ennis, you don't know how to cook or prepare Indian/Pakistani food? No.
And you have no previous serving experience? No.
And in your own words, "I do not want to be on my feet all day.
" No.
Hmm Um, so, Mr Ennis, may I ask you a question? What exactly do you think qualifies you to work in this restaurant? - I speak fluent Urdu.
- Really?