TLC (2002) s01e04 Episode Script
Three Stars
[car alarm beeps]
Morning.
Quite a busy morning list.
- Who's this?
- Mr Howard.
- Hernia repair?
- Pancreato-duodenocholecystectomy.
Oh, God. Where's Noble and Flint?
Delayed in Casualty.
We should wait.
This really is a two man job.
Like so many things.
Nonsense. I can do it without them.
Skin marker, please, Terence.
Isn't it normally a vertical incision?
Oh, yes.
As a, uh, Christ Ian
Oh, Christian As a Christian,
I'm often asked
why does God allow suffering?
Why, as I speak, in this hospital
for some, their treatment
or surgery is going very well
Well, it all seems
to be going very well.
[monitor beeping rapidly]
Oh.
- Ah.
- [alarm blaring]
And yet for others, very badly.
[grunting]
Even I think that this patient
has suffered enough.
Well, we did all we could.
I'll get Noble to break the news
to Mrs Howard.
Terry, you better call the chaplain,
ask him to administer the last rites.
Body of Christ.
Amen.
- Body of Christ.
- Amen.
- [pager beeping]
- Um
Take one and just pass them on.
Excuse me.
[sighs] I can walk.
Father, it's a miracle. I can walk.
- All yours, reverend.
- Thank you, Terry.
- We only need the last rites, reverend.
- I can do more, much more.
- So much more!
- I know. Like a nice cup of tea?
I can do a lot more!
[sobbing]
Mrs Howard, we're so sorry
for your loss.
That's the pancreato-duodeno-
cholecystectomy for you, Flynn.
Hard to perform, rare to survive.
Bugger to spell. Coffee?
[We Gotta Get Out of This Place]
[car alarm beeps]
Good morning.
- Morning, Mr Ron.
- Good morning, Sidney.
I see we're having our three stars
repainted this year.
No, they're being taken down.
This hospital has been stripped
of its three-star rating.
- What?
- Didn't you know?
They sent you a letter about it
months ago.
Look. Here it is.
Why didn't you give it to me?
But it didn't say it was urgent.
Sidney, from now on,
I want all my post immediately.
You better have this, then.
Arrived this morning.
It's a suspicious package.
Suspicious?
Could be a bomb. It's from Mrs Howard.
Mrs Howard?
You killed her husband
in theatre last week.
Sidney, that operation
was 100 per cent successful.
If Mr Howard had lived, he'd
have been delighted with the result.
You'd better screen
all my incoming post.
Meanwhile, I'll sort this out.
Yeah. Must dash.
Got to take these baby name tags
to the maternity ward.
I may have left it a bit late.
Right. I'm gonna go through this
one more time.
Which one of you is Simon?
[crying]
Morning, ladies.
I'm not a lady, Dr Noble.
I'm a trained professional nurse.
And a very attractive one at that.
Oh, Dr Noble, you do have
a way with the ladies.
- Morning, Staff Nurse.
- Don't even think about it.
- Morning, team.
- Got a phone message for you, Mr Ron.
Not now. I suppose none of you
thought to inform me
the hospital's being stripped
of its three stars.
It's not like someone died,
like poor Mr Howard.
- [paper shape]
- I don't understand it, Dr Noble.
How come we lost three stars
in one year?
We didn't. Last year's were awarded
due to an administrative error.
[Mr Ron] Administrative error?
If I made errors like that in theatre,
what would people say?
Oh, for God's sake, Mr Ron,
what are you doing?
Or something like that.
Shouldn't be too hard to get the
stars back, but why didn't we get any?
"Excessively long waiting list".
- You can sort that out.
- "Too many bed blockers".
Flint, that's yours.
"And too many patients
left on casualty trolleys".
I'll sort that out. We just got to do it
before the Department of Health
inspector arrives.
That's the phone message.
He's coming tomorrow.
- Tomorrow?
- At 9.00.
Right.
Well, we know
what's expected of each of us.
Noble, Flint,
be just like me.
Task-orientated, completely focused,
and drawing upon our intimate
knowledge of the hospital.
Right. To Casualty.
Sister, follow me.
- Casualty?
- [sucks teeth]
Can't I just skip theatre? I've got
to sort out all the bed blockers.
- I don't know how many there are.
- Relax, Flynn.
We've got loads of long-stay patients.
How long do they have to have been
on the ward
- before becoming bed blockers?
- Twelve months.
What's the average life expectancy
of our long-stay patients?
- [both] Eight months.
- Exactly. So just one to worry about.
- Oh, great!
- Yes, Mrs Portland.
Oh, no, not the chronic leg ulcer.
- Yep. Can't shift it or her.
- [sighs]
She's been on the ward for 17 months.
She's a bed-blocking,
resource-straining,
morale-sapping, treatment-defying,
ulcer-festering record breaker.
I've got to cure her by 9.00am
tomorrow morning.
No time to lose.
Nothing must get in our way.
- Whoa!
- All right, docs?
What's with the X-ray specs, Sid?
I'm using this specialist imaging device
to screen Mr Ron's mail for bombs.
It's a bit less complicated
than the MRI scanner.
MRI? You do know
metal items can't go near it.
Oh, yeah, now I do.
Those won't work, Sid.
No, you're right.
I'll get Gasman to ultrasound it
in the intensive care unit later.
Must dash.
Looks like that rib fracture
healed up nicely, Dr Noble.
Old rugby injury.
Yes, but how did he know?
I don't see what all the fuss
is about, Sister.
Just a few patients on trolleys
in the corridor Good God!
[moaning and grunting]
[sighs] Come along.
- Food.
- I'll call the nurse, dear.
- Water.
- All right, old chap.
- Medicines.
- Any time now.
You a doctor? I haven't seen
a doctor for two days.
I haven't seen a doctor at all.
Is this a hospital?
I thought I was in a hospital.
You're all doing very well.
Hurry up, Sister.
Seemed to have reached a dead end.
At least the patients are quiet here.
That's because this is the dead end.
Ooh, yeah.
Hurry up, Gasman.
I have a waiting list to cut.
All right, Mrs Stanley,
time to put you to sleep.
Unless you want to feel the pain.
Would you like to feel the pain?
- No!
- OK.
We'll soon have that unsightly
repulsive hairy wart off your face.
We're actually doing a hernia.
What twisted priorities you have, dear.
- Any ideas, Sister?
- You leave it all with me.
- I know exactly what to do.
- Excellent!
Bit of focus, that's all it took.
- [patients moaning]
- [sucks teeth]
So what am I going to do
about my bed blocker?
Try the Internet.
Go to a medical search engine,
type in the words "leg ulcer cure",
and miracle.
You could try traditional
Chinese medicine like me mother.
Whenever I had a bad chest or something,
she'd brew up a herbal concoction.
Ligusticum, persica, carthamus,
and lyceum bark.
You'd actually drink that?
You'd be amazed the things
that I swallow, Dr Flynn.
It's all to do with the yin and yang
and the flow of the chi energy.
- Fascinating.
- Did it work?
- No. Load of old bollocks.
- [groans]
Why is it I always get
the nightmare problems?
I bet you've already sorted out
that waiting list.
Just awaiting the computer printout.
Can't be that many names on it.
[line printer running quickly]
Right, that's Mrs Stanley's hernia
all done. Come on, Flynn, let's go.
- Bye, Gasman.
- Dr Noble?
Would you mind if I removed this wart?
My sister had a birthmark on her face
and I removed it myself
with very little scarring.
I didn't know you had any
surgical training, Gasman.
I haven't. This was when we were seven.
We used to like playing surgeons
and patients together until
Well, let's just say the police
did not pursue charges.
I'd just leave it be, Gasman.
We're in a rush.
It is an imperfection
and it must be removed!
I'm trying to cut the surgical
waiting list, not add to it.
You cut a list but
you won't cut a wart?!
Oh, just sniff some gas.
[deep breathing]
Mmm, nice.
Can I have Mrs Portland's notes, Judy?
Certainly, doctor.
[sighs] Oh, great!
A-ha! This must be
the waiting list printout.
No, just some lab results.
Normal, normal, normal,
normal-ish normal.
Incompatible to human life.
Better re-do that one, Flynn.
What's this doing here?
A card for you, Sister.
"Private and personal.
To be opened by Sister Hope only."
- What?
- Hmm, is that a hint of Old Spice?
- Second opinion, please, Flynn.
- Blue Stratos.
- Hai Karate.
- Give that to me.
- Denim.
- Oh.
The contents of this card are
on a strictly need-to-know basis.
You need to know if you
so much as look at this,
I'll hunt you down like dogs.
Ruff!
Right, let's see, Sidney.
This echodense area here
is a little suspicious,
like some sort of nut,
probably hazelnut.
This hazy shadowing here
represents a soft centre.
Congratulations, Sidney.
You have a lovely box of Thorntons
Hazelnut in Caramel Moments.
Mr Ron will be so pleased.
He's always wanted one.
No, wait. One of the chocolates
is misshapen.
It is an imperfection
and it must be removed.
I need a scalpel. I'm going
to perform an emergency section.
- [groans]
- Problem, Sidney?
- I wanted it all to be natural, doctor.
- [clicks tongue]
"Signed, your secret admirer".
Eight o'clock tonight.
Hello. Just come to have a quick look
at your leg ulcer, Mrs Portland.
[shudders]
Uh-huh.
That's looking really, uh, good.
- Ohh.
- You OK, Dr Flynn?
Oh, that ulcer looks awful. I can't
get that healed by the morning.
What about MDT?
Used a lot on leg ulcers in the States.
Uh, methyl dihydro tetra?
- Do you know what MDT is, Dr Flynn?
- Yes.
- Do you?
- Yes.
- [sternly] Do you?
- No.
I'll explain it for you.
- Which side is the ulcer on?
- Left.
Take off your left shoe and sock
and roll up your trouser leg.
MDT is maggot debridement therapy.
Oh, maggot debridement therapy.
"Course.
You know what that is, Dr Flynn?
- No.
- Give me your hand.
Imagine you have a big ulcer here.
I Round and round the garden like I
Then we take the maggots
From a bit of rancid old meat
or something.
From a laboratory where
they're especially bred.
Of course.
Then we carefully apply them
to the ulcer
and we cover with a dressing.
And we wait.
And we wait.
And then, as if by magic
There's a white dove.
the maggots have eaten away
all the dead flesh and healed the ulcer.
Then we just gently irrigate away
the maggots with saline.
And that's it.
Hmm. What about the shoe?
See the maggots?
[siren blaring]
Oh, this better be urgent, Noble.
Oh, God.
It doesn't look good, does it, Sister?
No, very nasty.
I've seen a few before
but never one this bad.
How long do you think
that waiting list is?
- [Hope] Eighteen months?
- [Judy] Two years?
- [Flynn] Five years?
- A hundred and fifty feet.
- What?
- I never imagined it could get so long.
I don't know what to do.
Government target says maximum
waiting list length is 100 feet.
We've got to lose 50 foot
to get a star back.
Not "we", Noble, you. Focus.
Focus. Yes.
Even Flint could have done
better than that, Dr Noble,
and he failed his finals.
I'll bet he sorted out
that bed blocker, though.
Uh, yes.
MDT.
Ah. Methyl dihydro tetra
Uh, maggot debridement therapy.
Excellent! Oh, Dr Noble,
why can't you be like our man Flint
with bright ideas like MDT?
Was that your idea, Dr Flynn?
Yes.
I'm not having maggots on my ward,
not after what happened
with that tapeworm. [sucks teeth]
Well, any thoughts on the waiting list,
Flint?
- My registrar needs your help.
- No. Just leave it to me.
I just need time to, uh, focus.
Right.
I'll get some maggots
delivered to you this afternoon.
Well done, Flint.
The nurses were very impressed.
[Gasman screaming]
Gasman?
Can't you hear I'm busy?
Uh, what you reckon on this?
It's an urgent delivery for Mr Ron.
Worth an ultrasound?
Let me see.
No, this cannot possibly be a bomb.
- You sure?
- I was an army medic until
Well, the indictments were never proven.
[screams]
Dirty filthy maggots!
Get out of my intensive care unit!
[shouts in German]
Oh, dear.
What are you doing in my drawer, Staff?
Just looking for a pen.
Try your pocket.
- Oh, yes.
- [sucks teeth]
What are you doing in my drawer,
Dr Noble?
Just looking for a rectal thermometer.
Try your pocket.
Oh, yes. Whoo!
That's helped me focus.
- All right, cook?
- Hello, Sid.
I need a favour.
Have you got any maggots?
Sure. How many?
Not faggots, maggots.
Maggots?
Sure. How many?
Dr Noble? [gasps]
Oh, these don't work.
My maggots arrived yet?
No. But I have sorted out
my waiting list problem.
- Want to know how?
- No.
[Noble] Like what you see?
No, they don't work.
Right. Well, I'm just off up to X-ray.
Oh, you little beauties.
You got anything
I can pick them up with?
Uh, here you are.
Use these serving tongs.
[Sidney] Sorted.
- Coast clear, Judy?
- Yes.
"Sister Hope, I've admired you
from afar for some while now.
Meet me tonight at the hospital
entrance at 8.00.
I'll be carrying some red roses.
Your secret"
[both] Admirer.
Eight o'clock.
I take it you'll be there.
I may wander in that direction.
What are you two doing in my drawer?
- Just
- Looking for a
- Oh.
- [both] Thank you.
All right, docs.
I got a letter for Dr Noble
- and a special delivery.
- Ooh, something for me?
Perfume? Chocolates [screams]
- Maggots!
- Oh, good!
These are specially bred maggots.
Let's have a look at those
little creatures, Flynn. Mmm.
Ulcers. Tasty, tasty.
Let's have a look.
These just look like normal maggots.
Yes. Strange, that.
Uh, must dash.
Might see you later, Sister.
Right. It's feeding time.
[Noble] I think you'll find that waiting
list is now 100 feet exactly, sir.
An excellent day's work, Noble.
How did you cut the waiting list?
I just cut the waiting list.
Amputated the other 50 foot, sir.
That is now the waiting list
to get onto the waiting list.
Oh, good work, Noble.
You want to come down to that
casualty corridor now, Mr Ron?
I have an appointment
with the hairdresser's at 5.30.
[Mr Ron] Right. Uh
Casualty?
Follow me.
Another triumph for us both, eh, Flynn?
Might have a coffee sachet in here
somewhere we can share.
- What's this?
- That letter Sid gave you earlier.
- Oh, God. Oh, no.
- What?
Two urgent referrals
to our waiting list.
My star's fading fast. Come on.
We have no time to lose.
- We?
- Grab the list, Flynn.
I can walk.
I can walk.
[groans]
- Right. What's the first referral?
- It's from a GP.
Mr Hudson Parks, aortic aneurysm.
Has a 90 per cent chance
of rupture within four weeks.
- When's the letter dated?
- Three months ago.
Sid! Is that Mrs Hudson Parks?
Hello, I'm calling on behalf of Mr Ron,
consultant surgeon at the South Mid.
Yeah. I understand your husband is
on our waiting list for urgent surgery.
Really? Yes, that is a terrible tragedy.
I'm so sorry for your sad loss.
Good-bye. Results!
One down, one to go.
The next, come on.
Oh, dear, this one may not be so easy,
Dr Noble.
Could be a big, big operation.
We haven't even got a bed, there
mightn't be a free slot in theatre,
- patient hasn't had pre-op work-up
- Enough.
It's an official referral
from the intensive care unit.
"A large mole on the chest. It is
an imperfection. It must be removed."
- Gasman!
- [chuckles]
Ha ha. You're coming with me.
Still looks like a lot of patients
in the corridor.
Not a corridor, Mr Ron, a ward.
Officially opened as of now.
Oh, well done, Sister.
Not sure about the name, though.
[monitor beeping]
[clears throat]
Noble and Flynn, welcome to my world.
Out of my way
with your stick of feathers!
You want us to operate urgently
on Mr Thompson.
Thompson? What's that?
A patient?
One of those warm pink things
you attach the tubes and machines to?
No, still not with you.
Hospital number SM6578.
Ah, SM6578. Why didn't you say?
- Skin blemish, bed four.
- Quick summary, please, Gasman.
P80, BP 120 over 70. PO 289.
PC 0245.
No, why is he actually here in ICU?
- Ah.
- Three days post myocardial infarction
in right-sided heart failure
and compromised renal function.
He's been on a ventilator
for two days
That's enough!
Get back to your cleaning!
It is very complicated.
You surgeons would not understand.
Then why is this mole so urgent?
- It is an imperfection and must be
- [all] Removed.
So how long has he had it?
First noticed 1845 hours last night.
No previous record of it in the notes.
It must be a very aggressive melanoma
to grow at such a rate.
Could be very painful in the future.
Melanoma? I'll never get that
sorted out by tomorrow morning.
Oh, dear. Oh, my.
Right. Let's take a look, shall we?
[toots]
It was his birthday yesterday.
OK.
What do you see, Flynn?
Um, two centimetre diameter
discoid lesion.
Dark brown, variegated in colour.
Irregular surface
with a well-demarcated
slightly raised edge.
Gasman, would I be right
in thinking his relatives
had a little birthday party
for him last night?
Um
- Yes.
- And did they bring any party food
with them at all?
[Gasman] Yes.
If I may just examine the lesion.
Mmm. Pepperoni, I believe.
Very tasty.
Intensive care unit, the human buffet.
And [, Flynn, have just earned my star.
Right, I'm off.
- You going anywhere special tonight?
- No. Why?
- Not off on a date?
- No. Just the, uh, bingo.
Oh, right. Well,
you'll need a pen, then.
That's a rectal thermometer.
[sucks teeth]
Judy, have you a minute?
- Is it important?
- It's about Mrs Portland.
I'm sorry I took the credit for
your idea of putting the maggots
on that foul, fetid pusy ulcer of hers.
Those maggots were really rancid.
The stench. They must have been
really hungry,
the way they started to chomp into
that ulcer. You're not eating that?
- Of course it was your idea.
- Yes.
Couldn't have Mr Ron believing
it was all thought up by just a nurse.
No.
Anything I can do
to show my gratitude?
- No.
- No.
Well, thanks for the crispy
Actually, some flowers would be nice.
Some red roses.
Red roses. Sure.
And maybe I can take you for a meal
sometime, if you're not busy,
which you probably are, 'cause you have
lots of friends here. Boyfriends, even.
- I haven't got a boyfriend.
- Tonight.
- What?
- Let's go out tonight.
Meet me at 8.00
at the hospital entrance.
Oh, but don't forget.
Red roses.
[panting] Florist!
I just so wanted to thank you personally
for what you did for my husband.
- [sobbing]
- Before he succumbed to his illness.
Yes. God bless you, doctor.
God bless you.
We do try our best, Mrs Howard.
And I can't tell you how tasty
those Thorntons Hazelnut
in Caramel Moments were.
And you really shouldn't have
brought me these wonderful flowers.
[ticking]
Flynn?
Flynn?
[sighs]
Sid?
Sid?
All right, doc?
- Been here long?
- An hour.
I should have been here at 8.00.
I dashed as fast as I could.
Was Sister Hope here, then?
- Sister Hope? Didn't see her.
- Oh.
What's with the flowers?
They're for a patient.
Here he is.
[Noble] Thank you.
Why have you got flowers, Dr Flynn?
Oh, they're for the, um, same patient.
[Noble] Thank you.
You haven't seen, um,
Staff Nurse Judy, have you?
- Doing a late shift.
- Ah, right.
[both sigh] Must dash.
- Mr Ron?
- Evening, Noble.
Hello, boys.
One at a time.
Where is Sister?
Sorry I'm late. I was up all night.
Right. Well, the inspector
will be here in ten minutes.
That waiting list still sorted, Noble?
Yes. Once I get my teeth
into something
Yes, yes, yes, yes. Um
And the new Ron Ward
is up and running,
which just leaves
your bed blocker, Flint.
Let's go and see if those maggots
have finally devoured
all of that dead flesh
once and for all, shall we?
Mrs Portland, I'm afraid
you're going to have to stay in here
- just a little bit longer.
- Flint!
Morning.
Quite a busy morning list.
- Who's this?
- Mr Howard.
- Hernia repair?
- Pancreato-duodenocholecystectomy.
Oh, God. Where's Noble and Flint?
Delayed in Casualty.
We should wait.
This really is a two man job.
Like so many things.
Nonsense. I can do it without them.
Skin marker, please, Terence.
Isn't it normally a vertical incision?
Oh, yes.
As a, uh, Christ Ian
Oh, Christian As a Christian,
I'm often asked
why does God allow suffering?
Why, as I speak, in this hospital
for some, their treatment
or surgery is going very well
Well, it all seems
to be going very well.
[monitor beeping rapidly]
Oh.
- Ah.
- [alarm blaring]
And yet for others, very badly.
[grunting]
Even I think that this patient
has suffered enough.
Well, we did all we could.
I'll get Noble to break the news
to Mrs Howard.
Terry, you better call the chaplain,
ask him to administer the last rites.
Body of Christ.
Amen.
- Body of Christ.
- Amen.
- [pager beeping]
- Um
Take one and just pass them on.
Excuse me.
[sighs] I can walk.
Father, it's a miracle. I can walk.
- All yours, reverend.
- Thank you, Terry.
- We only need the last rites, reverend.
- I can do more, much more.
- So much more!
- I know. Like a nice cup of tea?
I can do a lot more!
[sobbing]
Mrs Howard, we're so sorry
for your loss.
That's the pancreato-duodeno-
cholecystectomy for you, Flynn.
Hard to perform, rare to survive.
Bugger to spell. Coffee?
[We Gotta Get Out of This Place]
[car alarm beeps]
Good morning.
- Morning, Mr Ron.
- Good morning, Sidney.
I see we're having our three stars
repainted this year.
No, they're being taken down.
This hospital has been stripped
of its three-star rating.
- What?
- Didn't you know?
They sent you a letter about it
months ago.
Look. Here it is.
Why didn't you give it to me?
But it didn't say it was urgent.
Sidney, from now on,
I want all my post immediately.
You better have this, then.
Arrived this morning.
It's a suspicious package.
Suspicious?
Could be a bomb. It's from Mrs Howard.
Mrs Howard?
You killed her husband
in theatre last week.
Sidney, that operation
was 100 per cent successful.
If Mr Howard had lived, he'd
have been delighted with the result.
You'd better screen
all my incoming post.
Meanwhile, I'll sort this out.
Yeah. Must dash.
Got to take these baby name tags
to the maternity ward.
I may have left it a bit late.
Right. I'm gonna go through this
one more time.
Which one of you is Simon?
[crying]
Morning, ladies.
I'm not a lady, Dr Noble.
I'm a trained professional nurse.
And a very attractive one at that.
Oh, Dr Noble, you do have
a way with the ladies.
- Morning, Staff Nurse.
- Don't even think about it.
- Morning, team.
- Got a phone message for you, Mr Ron.
Not now. I suppose none of you
thought to inform me
the hospital's being stripped
of its three stars.
It's not like someone died,
like poor Mr Howard.
- [paper shape]
- I don't understand it, Dr Noble.
How come we lost three stars
in one year?
We didn't. Last year's were awarded
due to an administrative error.
[Mr Ron] Administrative error?
If I made errors like that in theatre,
what would people say?
Oh, for God's sake, Mr Ron,
what are you doing?
Or something like that.
Shouldn't be too hard to get the
stars back, but why didn't we get any?
"Excessively long waiting list".
- You can sort that out.
- "Too many bed blockers".
Flint, that's yours.
"And too many patients
left on casualty trolleys".
I'll sort that out. We just got to do it
before the Department of Health
inspector arrives.
That's the phone message.
He's coming tomorrow.
- Tomorrow?
- At 9.00.
Right.
Well, we know
what's expected of each of us.
Noble, Flint,
be just like me.
Task-orientated, completely focused,
and drawing upon our intimate
knowledge of the hospital.
Right. To Casualty.
Sister, follow me.
- Casualty?
- [sucks teeth]
Can't I just skip theatre? I've got
to sort out all the bed blockers.
- I don't know how many there are.
- Relax, Flynn.
We've got loads of long-stay patients.
How long do they have to have been
on the ward
- before becoming bed blockers?
- Twelve months.
What's the average life expectancy
of our long-stay patients?
- [both] Eight months.
- Exactly. So just one to worry about.
- Oh, great!
- Yes, Mrs Portland.
Oh, no, not the chronic leg ulcer.
- Yep. Can't shift it or her.
- [sighs]
She's been on the ward for 17 months.
She's a bed-blocking,
resource-straining,
morale-sapping, treatment-defying,
ulcer-festering record breaker.
I've got to cure her by 9.00am
tomorrow morning.
No time to lose.
Nothing must get in our way.
- Whoa!
- All right, docs?
What's with the X-ray specs, Sid?
I'm using this specialist imaging device
to screen Mr Ron's mail for bombs.
It's a bit less complicated
than the MRI scanner.
MRI? You do know
metal items can't go near it.
Oh, yeah, now I do.
Those won't work, Sid.
No, you're right.
I'll get Gasman to ultrasound it
in the intensive care unit later.
Must dash.
Looks like that rib fracture
healed up nicely, Dr Noble.
Old rugby injury.
Yes, but how did he know?
I don't see what all the fuss
is about, Sister.
Just a few patients on trolleys
in the corridor Good God!
[moaning and grunting]
[sighs] Come along.
- Food.
- I'll call the nurse, dear.
- Water.
- All right, old chap.
- Medicines.
- Any time now.
You a doctor? I haven't seen
a doctor for two days.
I haven't seen a doctor at all.
Is this a hospital?
I thought I was in a hospital.
You're all doing very well.
Hurry up, Sister.
Seemed to have reached a dead end.
At least the patients are quiet here.
That's because this is the dead end.
Ooh, yeah.
Hurry up, Gasman.
I have a waiting list to cut.
All right, Mrs Stanley,
time to put you to sleep.
Unless you want to feel the pain.
Would you like to feel the pain?
- No!
- OK.
We'll soon have that unsightly
repulsive hairy wart off your face.
We're actually doing a hernia.
What twisted priorities you have, dear.
- Any ideas, Sister?
- You leave it all with me.
- I know exactly what to do.
- Excellent!
Bit of focus, that's all it took.
- [patients moaning]
- [sucks teeth]
So what am I going to do
about my bed blocker?
Try the Internet.
Go to a medical search engine,
type in the words "leg ulcer cure",
and miracle.
You could try traditional
Chinese medicine like me mother.
Whenever I had a bad chest or something,
she'd brew up a herbal concoction.
Ligusticum, persica, carthamus,
and lyceum bark.
You'd actually drink that?
You'd be amazed the things
that I swallow, Dr Flynn.
It's all to do with the yin and yang
and the flow of the chi energy.
- Fascinating.
- Did it work?
- No. Load of old bollocks.
- [groans]
Why is it I always get
the nightmare problems?
I bet you've already sorted out
that waiting list.
Just awaiting the computer printout.
Can't be that many names on it.
[line printer running quickly]
Right, that's Mrs Stanley's hernia
all done. Come on, Flynn, let's go.
- Bye, Gasman.
- Dr Noble?
Would you mind if I removed this wart?
My sister had a birthmark on her face
and I removed it myself
with very little scarring.
I didn't know you had any
surgical training, Gasman.
I haven't. This was when we were seven.
We used to like playing surgeons
and patients together until
Well, let's just say the police
did not pursue charges.
I'd just leave it be, Gasman.
We're in a rush.
It is an imperfection
and it must be removed!
I'm trying to cut the surgical
waiting list, not add to it.
You cut a list but
you won't cut a wart?!
Oh, just sniff some gas.
[deep breathing]
Mmm, nice.
Can I have Mrs Portland's notes, Judy?
Certainly, doctor.
[sighs] Oh, great!
A-ha! This must be
the waiting list printout.
No, just some lab results.
Normal, normal, normal,
normal-ish normal.
Incompatible to human life.
Better re-do that one, Flynn.
What's this doing here?
A card for you, Sister.
"Private and personal.
To be opened by Sister Hope only."
- What?
- Hmm, is that a hint of Old Spice?
- Second opinion, please, Flynn.
- Blue Stratos.
- Hai Karate.
- Give that to me.
- Denim.
- Oh.
The contents of this card are
on a strictly need-to-know basis.
You need to know if you
so much as look at this,
I'll hunt you down like dogs.
Ruff!
Right, let's see, Sidney.
This echodense area here
is a little suspicious,
like some sort of nut,
probably hazelnut.
This hazy shadowing here
represents a soft centre.
Congratulations, Sidney.
You have a lovely box of Thorntons
Hazelnut in Caramel Moments.
Mr Ron will be so pleased.
He's always wanted one.
No, wait. One of the chocolates
is misshapen.
It is an imperfection
and it must be removed.
I need a scalpel. I'm going
to perform an emergency section.
- [groans]
- Problem, Sidney?
- I wanted it all to be natural, doctor.
- [clicks tongue]
"Signed, your secret admirer".
Eight o'clock tonight.
Hello. Just come to have a quick look
at your leg ulcer, Mrs Portland.
[shudders]
Uh-huh.
That's looking really, uh, good.
- Ohh.
- You OK, Dr Flynn?
Oh, that ulcer looks awful. I can't
get that healed by the morning.
What about MDT?
Used a lot on leg ulcers in the States.
Uh, methyl dihydro tetra?
- Do you know what MDT is, Dr Flynn?
- Yes.
- Do you?
- Yes.
- [sternly] Do you?
- No.
I'll explain it for you.
- Which side is the ulcer on?
- Left.
Take off your left shoe and sock
and roll up your trouser leg.
MDT is maggot debridement therapy.
Oh, maggot debridement therapy.
"Course.
You know what that is, Dr Flynn?
- No.
- Give me your hand.
Imagine you have a big ulcer here.
I Round and round the garden like I
Then we take the maggots
From a bit of rancid old meat
or something.
From a laboratory where
they're especially bred.
Of course.
Then we carefully apply them
to the ulcer
and we cover with a dressing.
And we wait.
And we wait.
And then, as if by magic
There's a white dove.
the maggots have eaten away
all the dead flesh and healed the ulcer.
Then we just gently irrigate away
the maggots with saline.
And that's it.
Hmm. What about the shoe?
See the maggots?
[siren blaring]
Oh, this better be urgent, Noble.
Oh, God.
It doesn't look good, does it, Sister?
No, very nasty.
I've seen a few before
but never one this bad.
How long do you think
that waiting list is?
- [Hope] Eighteen months?
- [Judy] Two years?
- [Flynn] Five years?
- A hundred and fifty feet.
- What?
- I never imagined it could get so long.
I don't know what to do.
Government target says maximum
waiting list length is 100 feet.
We've got to lose 50 foot
to get a star back.
Not "we", Noble, you. Focus.
Focus. Yes.
Even Flint could have done
better than that, Dr Noble,
and he failed his finals.
I'll bet he sorted out
that bed blocker, though.
Uh, yes.
MDT.
Ah. Methyl dihydro tetra
Uh, maggot debridement therapy.
Excellent! Oh, Dr Noble,
why can't you be like our man Flint
with bright ideas like MDT?
Was that your idea, Dr Flynn?
Yes.
I'm not having maggots on my ward,
not after what happened
with that tapeworm. [sucks teeth]
Well, any thoughts on the waiting list,
Flint?
- My registrar needs your help.
- No. Just leave it to me.
I just need time to, uh, focus.
Right.
I'll get some maggots
delivered to you this afternoon.
Well done, Flint.
The nurses were very impressed.
[Gasman screaming]
Gasman?
Can't you hear I'm busy?
Uh, what you reckon on this?
It's an urgent delivery for Mr Ron.
Worth an ultrasound?
Let me see.
No, this cannot possibly be a bomb.
- You sure?
- I was an army medic until
Well, the indictments were never proven.
[screams]
Dirty filthy maggots!
Get out of my intensive care unit!
[shouts in German]
Oh, dear.
What are you doing in my drawer, Staff?
Just looking for a pen.
Try your pocket.
- Oh, yes.
- [sucks teeth]
What are you doing in my drawer,
Dr Noble?
Just looking for a rectal thermometer.
Try your pocket.
Oh, yes. Whoo!
That's helped me focus.
- All right, cook?
- Hello, Sid.
I need a favour.
Have you got any maggots?
Sure. How many?
Not faggots, maggots.
Maggots?
Sure. How many?
Dr Noble? [gasps]
Oh, these don't work.
My maggots arrived yet?
No. But I have sorted out
my waiting list problem.
- Want to know how?
- No.
[Noble] Like what you see?
No, they don't work.
Right. Well, I'm just off up to X-ray.
Oh, you little beauties.
You got anything
I can pick them up with?
Uh, here you are.
Use these serving tongs.
[Sidney] Sorted.
- Coast clear, Judy?
- Yes.
"Sister Hope, I've admired you
from afar for some while now.
Meet me tonight at the hospital
entrance at 8.00.
I'll be carrying some red roses.
Your secret"
[both] Admirer.
Eight o'clock.
I take it you'll be there.
I may wander in that direction.
What are you two doing in my drawer?
- Just
- Looking for a
- Oh.
- [both] Thank you.
All right, docs.
I got a letter for Dr Noble
- and a special delivery.
- Ooh, something for me?
Perfume? Chocolates [screams]
- Maggots!
- Oh, good!
These are specially bred maggots.
Let's have a look at those
little creatures, Flynn. Mmm.
Ulcers. Tasty, tasty.
Let's have a look.
These just look like normal maggots.
Yes. Strange, that.
Uh, must dash.
Might see you later, Sister.
Right. It's feeding time.
[Noble] I think you'll find that waiting
list is now 100 feet exactly, sir.
An excellent day's work, Noble.
How did you cut the waiting list?
I just cut the waiting list.
Amputated the other 50 foot, sir.
That is now the waiting list
to get onto the waiting list.
Oh, good work, Noble.
You want to come down to that
casualty corridor now, Mr Ron?
I have an appointment
with the hairdresser's at 5.30.
[Mr Ron] Right. Uh
Casualty?
Follow me.
Another triumph for us both, eh, Flynn?
Might have a coffee sachet in here
somewhere we can share.
- What's this?
- That letter Sid gave you earlier.
- Oh, God. Oh, no.
- What?
Two urgent referrals
to our waiting list.
My star's fading fast. Come on.
We have no time to lose.
- We?
- Grab the list, Flynn.
I can walk.
I can walk.
[groans]
- Right. What's the first referral?
- It's from a GP.
Mr Hudson Parks, aortic aneurysm.
Has a 90 per cent chance
of rupture within four weeks.
- When's the letter dated?
- Three months ago.
Sid! Is that Mrs Hudson Parks?
Hello, I'm calling on behalf of Mr Ron,
consultant surgeon at the South Mid.
Yeah. I understand your husband is
on our waiting list for urgent surgery.
Really? Yes, that is a terrible tragedy.
I'm so sorry for your sad loss.
Good-bye. Results!
One down, one to go.
The next, come on.
Oh, dear, this one may not be so easy,
Dr Noble.
Could be a big, big operation.
We haven't even got a bed, there
mightn't be a free slot in theatre,
- patient hasn't had pre-op work-up
- Enough.
It's an official referral
from the intensive care unit.
"A large mole on the chest. It is
an imperfection. It must be removed."
- Gasman!
- [chuckles]
Ha ha. You're coming with me.
Still looks like a lot of patients
in the corridor.
Not a corridor, Mr Ron, a ward.
Officially opened as of now.
Oh, well done, Sister.
Not sure about the name, though.
[monitor beeping]
[clears throat]
Noble and Flynn, welcome to my world.
Out of my way
with your stick of feathers!
You want us to operate urgently
on Mr Thompson.
Thompson? What's that?
A patient?
One of those warm pink things
you attach the tubes and machines to?
No, still not with you.
Hospital number SM6578.
Ah, SM6578. Why didn't you say?
- Skin blemish, bed four.
- Quick summary, please, Gasman.
P80, BP 120 over 70. PO 289.
PC 0245.
No, why is he actually here in ICU?
- Ah.
- Three days post myocardial infarction
in right-sided heart failure
and compromised renal function.
He's been on a ventilator
for two days
That's enough!
Get back to your cleaning!
It is very complicated.
You surgeons would not understand.
Then why is this mole so urgent?
- It is an imperfection and must be
- [all] Removed.
So how long has he had it?
First noticed 1845 hours last night.
No previous record of it in the notes.
It must be a very aggressive melanoma
to grow at such a rate.
Could be very painful in the future.
Melanoma? I'll never get that
sorted out by tomorrow morning.
Oh, dear. Oh, my.
Right. Let's take a look, shall we?
[toots]
It was his birthday yesterday.
OK.
What do you see, Flynn?
Um, two centimetre diameter
discoid lesion.
Dark brown, variegated in colour.
Irregular surface
with a well-demarcated
slightly raised edge.
Gasman, would I be right
in thinking his relatives
had a little birthday party
for him last night?
Um
- Yes.
- And did they bring any party food
with them at all?
[Gasman] Yes.
If I may just examine the lesion.
Mmm. Pepperoni, I believe.
Very tasty.
Intensive care unit, the human buffet.
And [, Flynn, have just earned my star.
Right, I'm off.
- You going anywhere special tonight?
- No. Why?
- Not off on a date?
- No. Just the, uh, bingo.
Oh, right. Well,
you'll need a pen, then.
That's a rectal thermometer.
[sucks teeth]
Judy, have you a minute?
- Is it important?
- It's about Mrs Portland.
I'm sorry I took the credit for
your idea of putting the maggots
on that foul, fetid pusy ulcer of hers.
Those maggots were really rancid.
The stench. They must have been
really hungry,
the way they started to chomp into
that ulcer. You're not eating that?
- Of course it was your idea.
- Yes.
Couldn't have Mr Ron believing
it was all thought up by just a nurse.
No.
Anything I can do
to show my gratitude?
- No.
- No.
Well, thanks for the crispy
Actually, some flowers would be nice.
Some red roses.
Red roses. Sure.
And maybe I can take you for a meal
sometime, if you're not busy,
which you probably are, 'cause you have
lots of friends here. Boyfriends, even.
- I haven't got a boyfriend.
- Tonight.
- What?
- Let's go out tonight.
Meet me at 8.00
at the hospital entrance.
Oh, but don't forget.
Red roses.
[panting] Florist!
I just so wanted to thank you personally
for what you did for my husband.
- [sobbing]
- Before he succumbed to his illness.
Yes. God bless you, doctor.
God bless you.
We do try our best, Mrs Howard.
And I can't tell you how tasty
those Thorntons Hazelnut
in Caramel Moments were.
And you really shouldn't have
brought me these wonderful flowers.
[ticking]
Flynn?
Flynn?
[sighs]
Sid?
Sid?
All right, doc?
- Been here long?
- An hour.
I should have been here at 8.00.
I dashed as fast as I could.
Was Sister Hope here, then?
- Sister Hope? Didn't see her.
- Oh.
What's with the flowers?
They're for a patient.
Here he is.
[Noble] Thank you.
Why have you got flowers, Dr Flynn?
Oh, they're for the, um, same patient.
[Noble] Thank you.
You haven't seen, um,
Staff Nurse Judy, have you?
- Doing a late shift.
- Ah, right.
[both sigh] Must dash.
- Mr Ron?
- Evening, Noble.
Hello, boys.
One at a time.
Where is Sister?
Sorry I'm late. I was up all night.
Right. Well, the inspector
will be here in ten minutes.
That waiting list still sorted, Noble?
Yes. Once I get my teeth
into something
Yes, yes, yes, yes. Um
And the new Ron Ward
is up and running,
which just leaves
your bed blocker, Flint.
Let's go and see if those maggots
have finally devoured
all of that dead flesh
once and for all, shall we?
Mrs Portland, I'm afraid
you're going to have to stay in here
- just a little bit longer.
- Flint!